Iris
December 1st, 2013, 01:16 AM
Get better, that is.
This is my first post on here in months. I've more or less moved on. But 2 hours ago I found out one of my best friends killed herself today. It utterly fucked me up. Two years ago I would've cut my arms to shreds and passed out to cope. Today I cried and still am crying, and everything hurts and I won't be able to pull myself together for a while, but I haven't lost myself to the misery that once consumed me, and I resisted the urge to cut.
The forum holds a shitload of threads and posts I made about my self-harm. I used to cut every day, I tried to kill myself three times. I was diagnosed with depression and then bipolar disorder, put on a bunch of pills, and quit them all. I fought really hard to make my life something. I ran from the environment that was causing me so much pain, I went to college 350 miles away from my old city. The cutting went down from daily to once every week, two weeks, a month. I used to sneak to the bathroom stalls in high school and cut myself while the girls at the sinks chatted about the silliest little things. Now I rarely even think of cutting, and my scars are continuing to fade (though some are so deep that they're dents in my arms that will not fade, and I really really regret that I went that far, as they may stay with me for the rest of my life). I've even built up the courage to wear short sleeves a few times.
Things are far from perfect. I love college, I love my friends, and I'm mending things with my family, but I have many troubles. Sometimes the thought that it would just be easier to just end it all passes through my head. Sometimes I pick up the blade and look at it and wistfully remember what it was to me. I have some cuts on my thighs that I made a month or so again. And obviously right now, as I'm slowly going into shock that my friend is gone, I'm not doing well. But that's life, there will always be shitty things, but also always be great things. You might think you can't handle it anymore but you can. You'll surprise yourself when you make it through the day and then the month and then the year. We all underestimate ourselves.
I used to read posts like this and think "they're lucky that they got out, that their lives got better, but my situation is more complicated/ different/hopeless." It really does feel that way. But as real as feelings are, they are not necessarily reality. Life really starts being worth all this fucking trouble once you get through the harder parts, and you can get through the harder parts, the shit you're going through, the pain you need to inflict on yourself. Keep fighting, if you can make it through this portion of life, you can do anything.
This is my first post on here in months. I've more or less moved on. But 2 hours ago I found out one of my best friends killed herself today. It utterly fucked me up. Two years ago I would've cut my arms to shreds and passed out to cope. Today I cried and still am crying, and everything hurts and I won't be able to pull myself together for a while, but I haven't lost myself to the misery that once consumed me, and I resisted the urge to cut.
The forum holds a shitload of threads and posts I made about my self-harm. I used to cut every day, I tried to kill myself three times. I was diagnosed with depression and then bipolar disorder, put on a bunch of pills, and quit them all. I fought really hard to make my life something. I ran from the environment that was causing me so much pain, I went to college 350 miles away from my old city. The cutting went down from daily to once every week, two weeks, a month. I used to sneak to the bathroom stalls in high school and cut myself while the girls at the sinks chatted about the silliest little things. Now I rarely even think of cutting, and my scars are continuing to fade (though some are so deep that they're dents in my arms that will not fade, and I really really regret that I went that far, as they may stay with me for the rest of my life). I've even built up the courage to wear short sleeves a few times.
Things are far from perfect. I love college, I love my friends, and I'm mending things with my family, but I have many troubles. Sometimes the thought that it would just be easier to just end it all passes through my head. Sometimes I pick up the blade and look at it and wistfully remember what it was to me. I have some cuts on my thighs that I made a month or so again. And obviously right now, as I'm slowly going into shock that my friend is gone, I'm not doing well. But that's life, there will always be shitty things, but also always be great things. You might think you can't handle it anymore but you can. You'll surprise yourself when you make it through the day and then the month and then the year. We all underestimate ourselves.
I used to read posts like this and think "they're lucky that they got out, that their lives got better, but my situation is more complicated/ different/hopeless." It really does feel that way. But as real as feelings are, they are not necessarily reality. Life really starts being worth all this fucking trouble once you get through the harder parts, and you can get through the harder parts, the shit you're going through, the pain you need to inflict on yourself. Keep fighting, if you can make it through this portion of life, you can do anything.