Seemyheart
November 23rd, 2013, 09:22 AM
First off, I want to say I don't normally, if at all, tell anybody about this stuff... but I would like to share my story.
I used to cut, but it's been a couple months since the last time. in order to really tell you what happened, I gotta start from the very beginning
I was in 7th grade, close to the end of the year, and one day my brother and sister and I came home from school and when we got inside, my brother instantly started arguing with my sister because she didnt hang her coat up, and he was full blown yelling and she was crying and I hate to see her cry so I stepped in. I told him to leave her alone and that she would do it. he started yelling at me telling me to mind my own business and we just screamed at eachother, and my sister ran and locked herself in the bathroom and my brother and I just kept screaming at eachother, I turned and ran to get the phone to call my parents but he grabbed it and threw it and I said some horrible things and he did too but the next thing I know, he is pulling a knife out and screaming that he will kill me and I backed away and tried to get away from him and somehow he got close and he hit me, my ribs felt so sore and it hurt like...I dont even know. but I ran to my room and turned on my music and blared it and sat in a corner and just cried and tried to calm down, then I heard vehicles pulling up so I got up and looked out the window, there were men everywhere, and an ambulance and police cars... I was so scared so I rushed downstairs and I couldnt find my sister so I was panicking. but she came running to me. an officer came to the door and knocked and I opened it and he came in and he said your brother is very sick... I can still remember how my heart just dropped, and I held my little sister while she cried and I rocked her back and forth... he asked me where we keep medications and I got up and showed him, and then a medic came in and asked me if my brother had hurt me at all, and I crossed my arms over my ribs and said no...I guess I wasnt very convincing because he looked down and said he could check that out and I said no.the police officer came back to my sister and I and told us to get our stuff we were going to the hospital. so we rode in the back of the police car. we got there and took us to a room and I got pulled out by another officer and told me to tell him the names and birthdays of my family, and at the same time, they brought my brother in and he flipped me off... my parents came and I instantly felt better...as much as I could in that situation...because I didnt have to be the adult and responsible for my sister. I didn't find this out til later, that he had tried to kill himself... he went into the hospital for a week, and I blamed myself. so many what ifs...
My brother and I never were the same after that. because freshman year, he spent it trying to ruin my life. then he got expelled from school for bringing a knife into the building... so he went to an alternative learning school. when he left, I had so much less drama and I fell hard for one guy in my class, I'll call him Nick. and nick and I dated for a while, but it was so emotionally and mentally draining because he cut and threatened to kill himself... I loved him so I stayed and tried to help. we ended up breaking up, and I cried for hours... he literally started dating someone else the day after we broke up, so that hurt worse. talk about a huge blow to my self esteem. anyways, it took me 3 months to finally start actually looking for another guy. and I did, lets call him Blake.. blake is a year older, so he was a sophomore. and he and I always knew eachother because we rode the same bus. so we talked for a couple days and then we went to a basketball game and we hung out, he held my hand and hugged me... and that night, he asked me out. I said yes. when we went back to school, we were inseparable. word got around quickly and the whole school found out. I was on cloud nine because I finally found a guy who made me forget all about nick. but nick broke up with his gf and he came after me again... Blake didn't like it so he asked me not to talk to nick. I agreed. things were good for a while, we were happy, we walked to class together, sat together at lunch, sat together on the bus and he would wrap his arms around me and I would end up falling asleep, and one day when we were in eachothers arms, he leaned down and kissed me, i broke it off first and told him i loved him, he looked down at me and kissed me again, but it was...more passionate i guess. he broke it off and took off his class ring, and slid it on my finger and told me he loved me too... but nick one day came up to me and kissed me... I told blake and he got so mad... it kinda went downhill from there. at the end of the year, blake and I were in spanish club and so we got to go to six flags and somehow mick went too.blake and I had a great time, we spent the day together... then I got home and nick had texted me telling me he was done with life because the girl he loved, me, was in love with someone else... I called him, bad choice ik, and tried to get him to calm down but he somehow turned it back on me and told me I was a liar and a cheat and all this, I felt so horrible. a week or so passed and nick texted me again calling me names and stuff... blake and I were having problems and I just texted him and told him maybe we should take a break, both of our lives are hectic right now... breaking up was so hard to do, but I was a sinking ship, I could feel my life crashing down. that night I cried and cried.. the next day, I started cutting, not because of a boy or boys, not for the guilt I had for what happened to my brother, but because I needed something to hold onto.... my summer was hell. I cut every day...then my parents found out, they were so disappointed and I felt sooo bad but that night I cut again, just to get that release...
I quit for a week, but my mom told me something about my adoption, apparently I had...have...a half sister. my birth mom had a daughter but when she had me, she gave me up... I felt very resentful. what was so wrong with me? why her and not me? I cut that day too.
Basically, whenever something would go wrong, I'd cut. get yelled at? cut. get in trouble? cut. not happy? cut. just little things...and then I would think back to my past...and I would cut again.
This year, I got to know this guy and he got to know me, and my secret...my life...all of it and he told me he'd be there for me no matter what... we ended up falling for eachother. and we went out for 5 months...which is a long time for me. before I went out with nick and blake...I usually only stayed with a guy for a month or so...then I got bored...but I went out with nick and blake for a while...
I know my story isn't very dramatic, and people have worse problems, but those were my problems and they were my breaking point. I haven't cut for months, and I still have urges to, but I stop and think and listen to music and I run. running is a good outlet for me. the scars on my wrist are so disappointing because now I will always have to hide them and I'm ashamed I even had to resort to cutting... but my life got better, right now, im in a stable place. and I got through a very hard time in my life
I used to cut, but it's been a couple months since the last time. in order to really tell you what happened, I gotta start from the very beginning
I was in 7th grade, close to the end of the year, and one day my brother and sister and I came home from school and when we got inside, my brother instantly started arguing with my sister because she didnt hang her coat up, and he was full blown yelling and she was crying and I hate to see her cry so I stepped in. I told him to leave her alone and that she would do it. he started yelling at me telling me to mind my own business and we just screamed at eachother, and my sister ran and locked herself in the bathroom and my brother and I just kept screaming at eachother, I turned and ran to get the phone to call my parents but he grabbed it and threw it and I said some horrible things and he did too but the next thing I know, he is pulling a knife out and screaming that he will kill me and I backed away and tried to get away from him and somehow he got close and he hit me, my ribs felt so sore and it hurt like...I dont even know. but I ran to my room and turned on my music and blared it and sat in a corner and just cried and tried to calm down, then I heard vehicles pulling up so I got up and looked out the window, there were men everywhere, and an ambulance and police cars... I was so scared so I rushed downstairs and I couldnt find my sister so I was panicking. but she came running to me. an officer came to the door and knocked and I opened it and he came in and he said your brother is very sick... I can still remember how my heart just dropped, and I held my little sister while she cried and I rocked her back and forth... he asked me where we keep medications and I got up and showed him, and then a medic came in and asked me if my brother had hurt me at all, and I crossed my arms over my ribs and said no...I guess I wasnt very convincing because he looked down and said he could check that out and I said no.the police officer came back to my sister and I and told us to get our stuff we were going to the hospital. so we rode in the back of the police car. we got there and took us to a room and I got pulled out by another officer and told me to tell him the names and birthdays of my family, and at the same time, they brought my brother in and he flipped me off... my parents came and I instantly felt better...as much as I could in that situation...because I didnt have to be the adult and responsible for my sister. I didn't find this out til later, that he had tried to kill himself... he went into the hospital for a week, and I blamed myself. so many what ifs...
My brother and I never were the same after that. because freshman year, he spent it trying to ruin my life. then he got expelled from school for bringing a knife into the building... so he went to an alternative learning school. when he left, I had so much less drama and I fell hard for one guy in my class, I'll call him Nick. and nick and I dated for a while, but it was so emotionally and mentally draining because he cut and threatened to kill himself... I loved him so I stayed and tried to help. we ended up breaking up, and I cried for hours... he literally started dating someone else the day after we broke up, so that hurt worse. talk about a huge blow to my self esteem. anyways, it took me 3 months to finally start actually looking for another guy. and I did, lets call him Blake.. blake is a year older, so he was a sophomore. and he and I always knew eachother because we rode the same bus. so we talked for a couple days and then we went to a basketball game and we hung out, he held my hand and hugged me... and that night, he asked me out. I said yes. when we went back to school, we were inseparable. word got around quickly and the whole school found out. I was on cloud nine because I finally found a guy who made me forget all about nick. but nick broke up with his gf and he came after me again... Blake didn't like it so he asked me not to talk to nick. I agreed. things were good for a while, we were happy, we walked to class together, sat together at lunch, sat together on the bus and he would wrap his arms around me and I would end up falling asleep, and one day when we were in eachothers arms, he leaned down and kissed me, i broke it off first and told him i loved him, he looked down at me and kissed me again, but it was...more passionate i guess. he broke it off and took off his class ring, and slid it on my finger and told me he loved me too... but nick one day came up to me and kissed me... I told blake and he got so mad... it kinda went downhill from there. at the end of the year, blake and I were in spanish club and so we got to go to six flags and somehow mick went too.blake and I had a great time, we spent the day together... then I got home and nick had texted me telling me he was done with life because the girl he loved, me, was in love with someone else... I called him, bad choice ik, and tried to get him to calm down but he somehow turned it back on me and told me I was a liar and a cheat and all this, I felt so horrible. a week or so passed and nick texted me again calling me names and stuff... blake and I were having problems and I just texted him and told him maybe we should take a break, both of our lives are hectic right now... breaking up was so hard to do, but I was a sinking ship, I could feel my life crashing down. that night I cried and cried.. the next day, I started cutting, not because of a boy or boys, not for the guilt I had for what happened to my brother, but because I needed something to hold onto.... my summer was hell. I cut every day...then my parents found out, they were so disappointed and I felt sooo bad but that night I cut again, just to get that release...
I quit for a week, but my mom told me something about my adoption, apparently I had...have...a half sister. my birth mom had a daughter but when she had me, she gave me up... I felt very resentful. what was so wrong with me? why her and not me? I cut that day too.
Basically, whenever something would go wrong, I'd cut. get yelled at? cut. get in trouble? cut. not happy? cut. just little things...and then I would think back to my past...and I would cut again.
This year, I got to know this guy and he got to know me, and my secret...my life...all of it and he told me he'd be there for me no matter what... we ended up falling for eachother. and we went out for 5 months...which is a long time for me. before I went out with nick and blake...I usually only stayed with a guy for a month or so...then I got bored...but I went out with nick and blake for a while...
I know my story isn't very dramatic, and people have worse problems, but those were my problems and they were my breaking point. I haven't cut for months, and I still have urges to, but I stop and think and listen to music and I run. running is a good outlet for me. the scars on my wrist are so disappointing because now I will always have to hide them and I'm ashamed I even had to resort to cutting... but my life got better, right now, im in a stable place. and I got through a very hard time in my life