Brice
November 20th, 2013, 09:45 PM
On October 28th this year, my best friend died in a car accident. She was my only friend I could tell anything and the only person who made me feel anything more. We had plans for both our futures and we sang together and went to church together and I love her to death. So that's what's happened, here's my issue. Well, more like issues. As in, more than one.
I have nothing left. Nothing to live for. I promised her I'd never cut or anything like that, and I'll hold that promise until I die, but I don't know how to express my grief. For the last year, my lifes purpose has been to make her happy and to keep her smiling and make her see the light in the darkest situations. She's gone, I have no friends, and I can't talk to my family. I'll never have closure. At the funeral, my choir sang and I thought it was the perfect way to honor her. Problem with that is, the director changed the song last minute and I didn't know it. I lost my chance to sing for her before I never saw her again. I feel like I'm suffocating and every smile and laugh feels fake and music is still something I love but it saddens me. Now, I feel like she's still here. Like I could look over my shoulder and she'll be there. I feel her presence in everything. I still talk to her, as crazy as that sounds. But she's gone, and even though I know that, I still look for her and disappoint myself because she's not there. I'm now easily angered. I'm not sure what to do now. I don't know how to live, what to live for, or what exactly I'm supposed to do here without her. I feel panicked because I think what if I was a bad influence on her and she's being punished? I find myself hoping that I'll be able to see her sooner rather than later. If anyone can tell me anything to help with any of this, I'd greatly appreciate it.
I have nothing left. Nothing to live for. I promised her I'd never cut or anything like that, and I'll hold that promise until I die, but I don't know how to express my grief. For the last year, my lifes purpose has been to make her happy and to keep her smiling and make her see the light in the darkest situations. She's gone, I have no friends, and I can't talk to my family. I'll never have closure. At the funeral, my choir sang and I thought it was the perfect way to honor her. Problem with that is, the director changed the song last minute and I didn't know it. I lost my chance to sing for her before I never saw her again. I feel like I'm suffocating and every smile and laugh feels fake and music is still something I love but it saddens me. Now, I feel like she's still here. Like I could look over my shoulder and she'll be there. I feel her presence in everything. I still talk to her, as crazy as that sounds. But she's gone, and even though I know that, I still look for her and disappoint myself because she's not there. I'm now easily angered. I'm not sure what to do now. I don't know how to live, what to live for, or what exactly I'm supposed to do here without her. I feel panicked because I think what if I was a bad influence on her and she's being punished? I find myself hoping that I'll be able to see her sooner rather than later. If anyone can tell me anything to help with any of this, I'd greatly appreciate it.