Lovelife090994
November 16th, 2013, 07:01 AM
Ugh, I have no idea what to do and I have no idea what is wrong with me! It's frustrating, especially because my only family member, my mother, has no clue and isn't helping. It is bad enough that I am depressed and lonely, not in college yet and at home because of it but now my mother is making me real worse about myself than I already do.
Lately, I can't sleep, and I have never had friends or been social, I just am not that social of a person. Apparently I'm not that religious or spiritual either since I do not like going to church, seldom read my Bible, and now have my mother saying my insomnia is from me not being in church. If my mother keeps using faith against me I am probably going to be straight up atheist! God doesn't judge or force us to him so I will not let my mother judge me spiritually on his behalf mininster or not.
It's bad enough I have no self-esteem and am a young looking twig of a 19 year old who doesn't drive which makes me feel worse and unstable. It's bad enough having a mother who cares yet one I cannot tell all too when I need to tell someone. Also, the situation is not good when I am questioning my faith, existence, and future if any and ending that aforementioned with "if any". On the outside you'd never know I was torn but on the inside I am in disarray! I hate this! First I am unsure of out of all things my sexuality, then my body, faith, and now my future and whether or not I want to continue. No, not suicide, I could never, not even at gunpoint. I am frustrated and am tired of my family not being able to help and tired of being judged for how torn I feel. I've had it! I can get through a lot but this, the confusion, self-hate, and judging takes the cake and the party it's in!
I wish I wasn't so socially and mentally awkward but I can't go anywhere and I'm stuck at home. I hate being hit how all of this is my fault when I do tell my own mother. Even she has something negative about it and she hates negativity! I wish things were different and that money wasn't so tough.
Life cannot be this gray, surely no. There must be some light right? Surely one can be more confident and surely even I can find help. I don't know what to do. I've always been able to come up with an answer or talk to someone when I did need it but now I can't. I'm stuck. I'm at the end of my rope except unlike most I do not have a loaded gun at my head with my hand on the trigger. I'm just plain lost. It's crazy. Maybe I am, maybe it takes crazy to want to get out of depression for once and have answers. I just need something, some advice, anything, please!
Lately, I can't sleep, and I have never had friends or been social, I just am not that social of a person. Apparently I'm not that religious or spiritual either since I do not like going to church, seldom read my Bible, and now have my mother saying my insomnia is from me not being in church. If my mother keeps using faith against me I am probably going to be straight up atheist! God doesn't judge or force us to him so I will not let my mother judge me spiritually on his behalf mininster or not.
It's bad enough I have no self-esteem and am a young looking twig of a 19 year old who doesn't drive which makes me feel worse and unstable. It's bad enough having a mother who cares yet one I cannot tell all too when I need to tell someone. Also, the situation is not good when I am questioning my faith, existence, and future if any and ending that aforementioned with "if any". On the outside you'd never know I was torn but on the inside I am in disarray! I hate this! First I am unsure of out of all things my sexuality, then my body, faith, and now my future and whether or not I want to continue. No, not suicide, I could never, not even at gunpoint. I am frustrated and am tired of my family not being able to help and tired of being judged for how torn I feel. I've had it! I can get through a lot but this, the confusion, self-hate, and judging takes the cake and the party it's in!
I wish I wasn't so socially and mentally awkward but I can't go anywhere and I'm stuck at home. I hate being hit how all of this is my fault when I do tell my own mother. Even she has something negative about it and she hates negativity! I wish things were different and that money wasn't so tough.
Life cannot be this gray, surely no. There must be some light right? Surely one can be more confident and surely even I can find help. I don't know what to do. I've always been able to come up with an answer or talk to someone when I did need it but now I can't. I'm stuck. I'm at the end of my rope except unlike most I do not have a loaded gun at my head with my hand on the trigger. I'm just plain lost. It's crazy. Maybe I am, maybe it takes crazy to want to get out of depression for once and have answers. I just need something, some advice, anything, please!