I was on the 4th pill.

[Extreme586]

For the first time in my life I started taking acetaminophen with the intent of overdosing myself. I got home, put two more pills in my mouth, took a swig of water, and was ready to swallow the 5th and 6th but then I realized I would really rather not go any further and I do not want to die, so I spit them out. The thing is I want to escape my feelings for a boy I have liked for years. I love him so much, messed up by becoming a terribly awkward nobody, and when he looks at me now things are different from those years ago when I met him.

On top of that school is stressing me out. I have a 4.0 right now but for the last two days I couldn't focus and complete work so I'm not sure how much longer my gpa will last.

I used to have friends before I started being so awkward and weird. I guess that's what happens when you have to be a fake and not tell anyone your true feelings or who you really are and like to do for fear of what they will say. The fear of rejection is what gets me and I will do anything to avoid it.

College was looking bleak as well considering my major of computer science didn't seem like it would be enjoyable and the person I mentioned above who I care for would be going to the same college. I love him but I can't stand the thought of four more years on the sidelines hurting, wanting him and watching him continue to be the funny, goofy person he is but not being able to say anything for once again, the fear of rejection which I know would happen.

It sucks going into school every single day, becoming so demoralized because everyone I pass in the hallways who I know but just on a "hey there" basis is forced to pass me. I look at them and say hi but often I have a lot of weird eye contact and it throws them off and makes them feel just as bad as I'm feeling. I go through it every single day and it's just so awful. When I'm at home at the end of the week, I start to regain a little confidence and the heart ache tends to go away and I can just be me. But a week's worth of school once again destroys all of that. I'm just so stupid I don't even like me.
I guess the thought of him getting another girlfriend and eventually moving on while I stay stuck back to the first time I met him in high school was depressing me too.

I'm thinking about going to my councilor monday. Not sure of what to say. It's like all my "problems" are just the fact that I live in a fake reality, and when I consciously am forced back into reality, I realize just how stupid I have been acting and how dumb it all is. Not even sure if they can help me fix a social/love issue regardless of whether they can fix my depression.



Thoughts?

[jesusogpaign]

I know what this is like from experience. I was in high school, nothing was going my way, my social life was falling apart. Honestly, the one thing that kept me pushing through was music. I'd listen to it all the time, I'd write music. I think you need to find some form of expression that fits you. Perhaps it might be poetry, maybe music, maybe writing. Just find something that you can use as a vessel to let these emotions get out. That's all I can really say.

[Ozymandias]

Perfectly said.

An alternate form of self-expression will definitely help you. When we go through such stuff, most of us, involuntarily fall into the trap of 'overthinking' or just being depressed the entire time. What we need to understand is that we are doing the best we can and these things are not being controlled by us, so harming yourself on account of such things is pretty pointless.

When I was going through something similar to your current situation, (after a long period of contemplating suicide and two unsuccessful attempts) I focused on channelling my negative thoughts towards an activity that could help me atleast stop thinking about all the bad stuff. That is when I started making amateur films (with basic resources) and let me tell you, it helped me a lot!

I strongly believe that you should focus on maintaining your GPA. Incase anything disturbs, it should not be difficult for you to initiate an activity that helps you release the bad stuff.

Don't worry.
Good luck.

I know what this is like from experience. I was in high school, nothing was going my way, my social life was falling apart. Honestly, the one thing that kept me pushing through was music. I'd listen to it all the time, I'd write music. I think you need to find some form of expression that fits you. Perhaps it might be poetry, maybe music, maybe writing. Just find something that you can use as a vessel to let these emotions get out. That's all I can really say.