Well. Here it is then.

[Serenity]

I was gonna post this in TWPR because it's description is, "This is the place to let off some steam and escape from that world you need to get away from." Wow, what I would give for any kind of escape right now. But yeah, it seemed better suited here.

How are you doing, my VT family? Good, I hope. Better than me at any rate. I'm just gonna go off on a rant right now, so if you don't feel like listening to depressing, existential babblings, I suggest you leave now and continue on your way in this great land ;)



Lately I've been dealing with a lot of conflicts with myself. I sometimes jokingly think, "How ironic is it that I'm having a mid-life crisis at the age of 16?" Sad but true.

I keep challenging myself on points that I've never really thought about, namely religion. It has recently started to bother me very much that I just blindly accept the idea of God and Christianity. I mean the more I think about Him, the more I think he is just some sick, cruel...being. I mean think about it: my life has to be completely dedicated to Him, I have to follow all of His rules, I have to completely and totally surrender my soul to Him so that I can go to heaven and not go to hell. But what if I want neither? I don't want to spend eternity in hell OR heaven. I don't want to spend eternity anywhere! What an absolutely terrifying concept eternity is! What do you DO for eternity? What is so good about heaven that it will be paradise FOREVER? Is it really so bad that I just want to cease existing? Is it really so bad that I don't WANT the ultimate reward?

But I'm still stuck with the fact that I undoubtedly believe in His existence, I just begin to question whether he really is a loving, kind, compassionate God like I have been taught to believe. And when I think about it, the idea of religion just strikes me as so absurd. Why, WHY, have I just accepted these ideas all these years? Who can PROVE that the prophets even existed? All I have to rely on is my faith, which is fast diminishing. And that scares me, too, because what if it turns out it's all true, and my lack of faith damns me to hell? But then, what if it turns out it's all a lie? What will happen when I die? Will anything happen?

I just have no idea. And I refuse to ask anyone because when religious people hear doubts like this they immediately whip out their Bibles and prayer books and insist on doing something. I don't want anyone to do anything to or for me, I don't want help. All I want is answers, something solid to stand on that gives me any reason at all to continue living.

Another thing I question is myself- my integrity, my overall character. I mean, people think I'm just this awesome, fun-loving, chipper girl who's always happy and ready to help, whereas I know that's not all there is to me.

I remember the girl, years ago, who was one of the biggest bullies, who was cruel even to her friends, who found joy in others' despair. I remember the feeling of satisfaction I would get when I saw I had hurt someone, see the tears in their eyes, the pain on their face- oh, I can't even put into words how good it made me feel, how much strength I found in their weakness. Even today, as I continuously fight to beat that girl into the deepest chasms of forgetfulness, I find myself having such evil and spiteful thoughts, such malice, such insurpressable want and need to inflict hurt and harm upon another person. I scare the shit out of myself as I imagine with relish what it would feel like to break someone's nose, kick them in the stomach, torture them until they beg me for mercy...

I try to tell myself that that is NOT who I am and that it's NOT who I have to become, but I can't help but fear that the girl from my childhood will once again take a hold of me and make all my deepest nightmares become my reality. I would rather die. I would rather let my soul spend all of eternity burning in hell than to let my living self become that person. And every day, I am afraid for myself, my friends, and my family, as I worry about what I might do or say. Some days I'll start to panick and ignore my friends, hoping they'll get angry with me and abandon me before I hurt them...

And of course I tell myself that that very fear is what keeps me human, because it proves I'm capable of love and compassion and mercy. But I know, deep down, there is another side of me, and both of them are at constant war over my life.

It doesn't really help that I am surrounded by crises, the least of which can be found in my friends. There are your normal, everyday crises, such as a major conflict with a boyfriend who is deeply loved, and there are more serious ones, such as the mother in and out of a psych ward, a recently suicidal friend, self hate that turns into self harm...I don't know why my friends and I all have major problems, but that's just the way fate turned out for us. I feel like such a waste of life because all to often I find myself so overwhelmed by my own problems that I can't even bring myself to say "I'm here for you" because sometimes, I simply am not. I can't handle the smallest of responsibilities of friendship, and it makes me feel like the biggest failure in the world.

My family...well. That's just its own little saga, really. Oy, I don't know how to put it in 'short story' terms...Ugh, where to even begin? Well, my parents' marriage was never meant to be. Really, they just were idiots to even get involved with each other. When they got married, my mom already had a 3 year old son from another man and was pregnant with me from another man, which my dad didn't find out till I was born. The only reason my dad found out was because when I was born a month after their wedding, it was quite obvious I wasn't completely black- I was as white as a sheet. My mom spilled about my biological father, and my dad would have nothing to do with either of us for quite some time. Eventually his love called him back to my mother, blah blah we were all one big happy family, they had a son 3 years later, thus: my family.

I can't remember a time, ever, when my parents didn't fight. Did we have our good moments? Some good old warm and fuzzy family times? Absolutely. But they were far and in between and simply didn't make up for all of the late nights crying. My mother, ever the firm believer in corporal punishment, could probably be argued to be an abusive mother. Never towards me, but towards my older and younger brothers. Both of them had pretty extreme anger management problems, and both of them did terribly in school. And then there was me: the pretty little girl who always put on a sweet face for everyone, never got in trouble, and literally did no wrong. I honestly wonder if I wasn't punished more than my troubled brothers, having to watch my mother over and over trying to beat the bad out of them and constantly failing.

Ok yeah, I'm just gonna stop there for now, because I'm feeling quite overwhelmed at the moment. So yeah, I'm gonna take a break and pick up later...probably tomorrow...yeah.

[Hauptmann Kauffman]

Thats a real mouthful, I hope some of my insights/thoughts can help you.



It has recently started to bother me very much that I just blindly accept the idea of God and Christianity. I mean the more I think about Him, the more I think he is just some sick, cruel...being. I mean think about it: my life has to be completely dedicated to Him, I have to follow all of His rules, I have to completely and totally surrender my soul to Him so that I can go to heaven and not go to hell. But what if I want neither? I don't want to spend eternity in hell OR heaven. I don't want to spend eternity anywhere! What an absolutely terrifying concept eternity is! What do you DO for eternity? What is so good about heaven that it will be paradise FOREVER? Is it really so bad that I just want to cease existing? Is it really so bad that I don't WANT the ultimate reward?

But I'm still stuck with the fact that I undoubtedly believe in His existence, I just begin to question whether he really is a loving, kind, compassionate God like I have been taught to believe. And when I think about it, the idea of religion just strikes me as so absurd. Why, WHY, have I just accepted these ideas all these years? Who can PROVE that the prophets even existed? All I have to rely on is my faith, which is fast diminishing. And that scares me, too, because what if it turns out it's all true, and my lack of faith damns me to hell? But then, what if it turns out it's all a lie? What will happen when I die? Will anything happen?

I just have no idea. And I refuse to ask anyone because when religious people hear doubts like this they immediately whip out their Bibles and prayer books and insist on doing something. I don't want anyone to do anything to or for me, I don't want help. All I want is answers, something solid to stand on that gives me any reason at all to continue living.

1) Frankly, If god does exist, you aer stuck with eternity either way. If you dont want eternty, sadly, you are pretty much screwed...

2)No-one can really PROVE if the prophets exist, as you said, its all faith. Personally, I hate faith, as faith is the belief in something that cannot/isnt proven/that you are unsure of. I have FAITH my grandmother will survive the tumor, it doesnt mean she will. I hoe you can figure out for yourself whether you want FAITH, or PROOF.

3) You may want to take a look at this: Clicky! (http://www.ministerturnsatheist.org/index.html) he can identify wth the bible waving aspect...

Another thing I question is myself- my integrity, my overall character. I mean, people think I'm just this awesome, fun-loving, chipper girl who's always happy and ready to help, whereas I know that's not all there is to me.

I remember the girl, years ago, who was one of the biggest bullies, who was cruel even to her friends, who found joy in others' despair. I remember the feeling of satisfaction I would get when I saw I had hurt someone, see the tears in their eyes, the pain on their face- oh, I can't even put into words how good it made me feel, how much strength I found in their weakness. Even today, as I continuously fight to beat that girl into the deepest chasms of forgetfulness, I find myself having such evil and spiteful thoughts, such malice, such insurpressable want and need to inflict hurt and harm upon another person. I scare the shit out of myself as I imagine with relish what it would feel like to break someone's nose, kick them in the stomach, torture them until they beg me for mercy...

I try to tell myself that that is NOT who I am and that it's NOT who I have to become, but I can't help but fear that the girl from my childhood will once again take a hold of me and make all my deepest nightmares become my reality. I would rather die. I would rather let my soul spend all of eternity burning in hell than to let my living self become that person. And every day, I am afraid for myself, my friends, and my family, as I worry about what I might do or say. Some days I'll start to panick and ignore my friends, hoping they'll get angry with me and abandon me before I hurt them...

And of course I tell myself that that very fear is what keeps me human, because it proves I'm capable of love and compassion and mercy. But I know, deep down, there is another side of me, and both of them are at constant war over my life.

It doesn't really help that I am surrounded by crises, the least of which can be found in my friends. There are your normal, everyday crises, such as a major conflict with a boyfriend who is deeply loved, and there are more serious ones, such as the mother in and out of a psych ward, a recently suicidal friend, self hate that turns into self harm...I don't know why my friends and I all have major problems, but that's just the way fate turned out for us. I feel like such a waste of life because all to often I find myself so overwhelmed by my own problems that I can't even bring myself to say "I'm here for you" because sometimes, I simply am not. I can't handle the smallest of responsibilities of friendship, and it makes me feel like the biggest failure in the world.

1) Every human can relish in somone elses pain, sadly, it is nature. I know I used to enjoy that same thing, and it makes me sick thinking about it. I probably still would enjoy it. Its just something we as civilised peoples need to repress; a dangerous instinct.

2) You cant help everyone. that is not your job. YOU are the most important thing. YOU come first. Once you have all that other stuff sorted, then help friends. You dont want to sacrifice yourself for your friends, Its not worth it.

My family...well. That's just its own little saga, really. Oy, I don't know how to put it in 'short story' terms...Ugh, where to even begin? Well, my parents' marriage was never meant to be. Really, they just were idiots to even get involved with each other. When they got married, my mom already had a 3 year old son from another man and was pregnant with me from another man, which my dad didn't find out till I was born. The only reason my dad found out was because when I was born a month after their wedding, it was quite obvious I wasn't completely black- I was as white as a sheet. My mom spilled about my biological father, and my dad would have nothing to do with either of us for quite some time. Eventually his love called him back to my mother, blah blah we were all one big happy family, they had a son 3 years later, thus: my family.

I can't remember a time, ever, when my parents didn't fight. Did we have our good moments? Some good old warm and fuzzy family times? Absolutely. But they were far and in between and simply didn't make up for all of the late nights crying. My mother, ever the firm believer in corporal punishment, could probably be argued to be an abusive mother. Never towards me, but towards my older and younger brothers. Both of them had pretty extreme anger management problems, and both of them did terribly in school. And then there was me: the pretty little girl who always put on a sweet face for everyone, never got in trouble, and literally did no wrong. I honestly wonder if I wasn't punished more than my troubled brothers, having to watch my mother over and over trying to beat the bad out of them and constantly failing.

1) I grew up in a similar situation, and I know Its painful to revisit the past. Thats why we need pshychiatrists to help us through these times. Mine has worked wonders, and there isn't any harm in seeing one. I really cant think of anything else to say, I hope I wasnt hurtful or anything:whoops: * tries to smile *

[byee]

Val, it's difficult to square that cute smiling face in your avi with this story. I don't doubt the veracity of your bad feelings, but I also don't doubt the reality of what you've present yourself here at VT as. I've been paying close attention, in spite of what you're undoubtly saying out loud now, about it all being a facade. It's not, it's an ability you have, it's your strengths coming thru. You need to spend less time on the bad stuff and more time focusing on, and honing, those spectacular qualities. You're more than just all that misery.

You've got one more year in HS, I'd suggest you use your time to make plans for the future, to get you were you want to go, being that teacher, being that friend, being that happy person that's in there. Maybe you need to just end your childhood now, turn the page on it, spend the time focused laser like on '09 when you'll graduate and be in college. I think you might need to just push aside all the drama of your childhood (including the melodrama of HS) now, and focus on tomorrow. Lock yourself in the library, maybe. With some chocolate.

There's a happy person in there, she's just weighted down right now by all this 'stuff'. Re prioritize things, Val, get cracking on school, avoid peer drama, forget about your dysfunctional family. These things you cannot change. But, you can plan your escape, and as they say, living well is the best revenge.

[Serenity]

So. A taste into life.

I've just had to call the police on my mother for the first time in my life. It's not the first time anyone's called the police on her, but it's the first time I'VE had to do it. I'm shaking so badly I can barely type. Such bullshit I'm seriously considering walking the hell out. I could go to any number of places and call any number of people for a place to stay, and they'd be here in 5 minutes to rescue me. I won't, though, they don't deserve that.

ANYWAY. So she went on a drunken rage again. It's nothing new, she's been a raging alcoholic for years. In our old house it was alright- we lived on a big property in a big house built by my great grandfather, and almost everyone on our street was our family so she could curse them out all she wanted. Of course, it wasn't until after a year or so that I found out people a block and a half away were woken up by her bullshit.

Well now we live on a very small residential street- mostly upper middle class suburban family with young children. Even during the day it's very quiet. So as I sat here at my computer and heard the familiar sounds of her screaming I froze and knew something had to be done. This time she was accusing her boyfriend of being one more person to turn their back on her, etc etc etc. She refused to come inside and double dog dared him to call the police on her. No lie. He refused, of course. He wouldn't do something ballsy like that. So I did. Our neighbors were already out on their porches [at 12 o'clock in the morning] engaging in a completely unwarranted, unnecessary, and undeserved screaming match with her during which she used every curse word and insult in her vocabulary. She's never spoken to these people in her life.

So I called 911, told the lady my mom was drunk and causing a public disturbance and someone needed to get over here asap and get her to come inside. I was frankly afraid she'd start throwing punches. Wouldn't be the first time. The woman said she'd sent a dispatch, but to call back immediately if she did anything violent. I said ok and got myself back on the computer as fast as humanly possible so that I could find someone to talk to [Ant, thank God for you :)]

So I hear heavy footsteps on the porch and know they've arrived. As I walk to the door I can hear the policeman trying to coax her into the house. She's entered the crying stage at this point. Yesss everyone feel sorry for the poor drunk lady. "I'm...I'm going...I'm going inside now..." she sobbed pitifully, as if someone had just beaten her and she was the victim [which, of course, one could argue if you want to take her side- she has had quite a difficult life, I'll admit.] The police officer, obviously anxious to just keep her fucking quiet, told her "Don't worry, it's alright, we're all allowed a meltdown every now and then." I laughed bitterly to myself. Every now and then. Try constantly for 15 years. She came in and collapsed on a chair as Kevin, her drunk of a boyfriend, stayed outside with my brother to talk to the cop.

The guys came in soon and then she went into the I'm-so-sorry mode. Telling me how she never meant to hurt me and how I was the only voice she ever heard, blah blah blah what she says every time. The worst thing about my mother is the only person she's ever been able to depend on is me. She's told me, her closest sister has told me, my dad has told me. I am her rock, I keep her sane, it is my BOUNDEN DUTY to help her in her times of need and struggle. And yes, she's told me how unfair it is that I am the mother and she is the child, and yes, she's promised things will change. But things never change, unless it's for the worse.

I looked up at her and decided I was done. I told her, "You know what, Mom? I don't really care what you did or did not mean to do. Because you DIDN'T hear me, or anyone else. As a matter of fact, you told me to SHUT UP." [When I first heard her going off I went outside and called her, telling her to come inside. She just screamed at me to shut up because all she wanted was some god damned help, etc. etc.] So then, when her HEARTFELT apology wasn't accepted, she got angry again. She went all I never claimed to be perfect, blah blah I can't even recount the shit she said because it makes me so angry. Thus ensued the most bitterly honest things I've ever said to her. Basically, I and my brother told her she was a complete failure and we've hated her guts since we were kids.

It didn't go well. She's still screaming at Kevin in their room. She'll be going for a while. It's almost funny how she has a knack for delivering these speeches almost VERBATIM every single time.

And I'm just gonna stop there because if I keep going I might just throw up and then walk out the door and never look back. So goodnight then.

[Atonement]

I am choked up. That sucks soooo bad. Hang in there.

[Zephyr]

Hun, I know what you're going through, my dad is an alcoholic and everytime he would get drunk he would take his anger from everybody and take it out on me by yelling that I was the cause of all of his problems... he eventually decided to kick me out this last July when he was in a drunken rage.

The best thing that you can do is hang in there and try to help her out if possible.

[byee]

OMG, Val! I wasn't aware you were enduring this, that your mom is an alcoholic. I'm really sorry.

Listen, I really like the idea of you going elsewhere, you said you could stay somewhere else, right? Go do that. Tell your mom until she stops boozing you're gone. Do this. It's not right that you're the sacrificial lamb on the alter of your mom's stupendous selfishness.

*gives Val a big mug of hot cocoa with a double portion of marshmallows*

[Serenity]

Ho-kay firstly, thanks all you guys for the advice- I feel bad for not saying thanks before. Secondly...well, new drama.

I woke up around 9:30 b/c today was a holiday and we didn't have school. I was just chillin on the couch eating the cake my mom made yesterday for Valentine's day and watching old Rugrats episodes when Gilbert, my older brother, and Dana, his fiancee, walked in. "Valerie, your parents are FUCKING RETARDED." Gilbert told me as he threw his jacket off and headed off towards his room, which is actually my room [a whole other story- it's somewhere in my "My Life" thread.] Immediate tipoff that they'd done something idiotic was the fact that he'd disowned them...again :roll: Dana, who's 18 and by now quite used to our household after living here for a few months, sat down next to me and said, "Valerie, your parents are silly." That's just the way she is- whenever she's upset or angry or anything, she acts like we're all just little kids playing house. Whatever.

Anyway, my mom apparantly cursed out my little brother's public defender at his hearing today and my dad told the judge stories about how he used to throw chairs at his teachers in school- not exactly helping his case. Why did my little brother, who's turning 14 this March, have a hearing, you ask? Short version: about 2 and a half years ago he sexually molested our cousin Carlos, who's 5 years younger than him. He was only supposed to be there for a year but his issues, including serious anger management issues and complete lack of ability to talk to people about real-world problems because our parents never taught us life skills like that, kept him from following his program. Thus, he remains in a "correctional facility." So yeah, you can pretty much peg my parents' behavior today as 'wildly, insanely STUPID.' But hey, that's what our family's all about, right? Whatever.

And it doesn't help that over the summer the judge threatened that if George, my little brother, didn't get his act together soon all the old charges that were dropped when he was 11 on the grounds that he complete his program would be reinstated- which include several counts of sexual assualt and general assault [he held a knife to his friend's throat and told him he better not tell anyone b/c the friend had seen], all of which would add up to about a 20 year sentence. So basically he'd be in jail until he was 30.

And yet my mom just can't find it in herself to excercise some mother fucking self control. Good job, mom. That's just really fucking great.

[thesphinx]

Wow I'm sorry Val :hug: I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better, Parents just don't get it sometimes. If you need to talk I'm always here.

[byee]

Golly, what a perfectly dreadful situation for you, Val. How'd you turn out both so nice, and so normal? I'm not joking, either.

You know what I think you should do? Get one of those 'page a day' wall calendars, you know, the one's that have a big number on it for the date, and then the month above it and the year below. Get (or make) one to coincide with graduation. Everyday, rip a page off it, so you'll have a count down to your departure (escape?). I'm not joking here, either.

In the mean time, make a plan on how you can leave in the best way possible. Stay focused on school, getting good grades, scholarships to Uni. I'm not joking here, either.

Sometimes, family stuff is just so hopeless that the only hope is planning for that day when you can say au revoir, in a good way, so you can put (and feel) and end to the nightmare of childhood.

Make that plan, Val. I'm serious here. Don't dwell too much on the craziness of all this, you cannot change it, nor can you really deal with it. All you can do is acknowledge it and use it to motivate yourself to get out and be a successful adult.