getting really sick of this

[Miserabilia]

Okay I can't really take it anymore. I know this is alot to read, but
I'm just going to write it all down here to get it of off my chest.

I feel soooo terrible... I feel empty and sad...
But the thing is...
When I'm at school.. All I do is joke around and laugh. I'm almost never serious.
It's just one big slur of laughing and getting through the school day. No concentration, I do all my school work at home. Which is nothing.
I find ways to not do most of my homework and get away with it, yet I ace most tests.

When I'm at home I just feel terrible most of the time.
To be honest I find my family really annoying. I mean, I care for them, but yea...

At a lot of times, I just wish I could be a sociable and nice, open person.
Or a really shy person.
I'm neither one.
I'm the person that just makes fun of everything, and I don't know why.
I get these terrible moods where I need to laugh all the time, and then get really angry.

For some reason, people always think that I hate them.
Even when I try to be nice, I just appear to act like I don't like them. Like, do I just come off as an unlikable person? A person that hates everyone?
Maybe I do. I don't care much for most people, but I don't hate them.

I don't really belong anywhere.
I hang out with people but I almost never see my real friends.
I don't really care though, I'm such an annoying jerk that I prefer being alone.
The closer people get to me, the more I'm mean to them.

My only true friends are the ones that can stand me enough to take all that, and still be friends.
Then, I pretend to know stuff and that I'm not afraid of anything. But the truth is, I'm a coward and I run away from everything.

I lie almost compulsivly, even without reason.
I hide things, steal things, etc.
I feel like I could do something with my "intelligence" but i don't, and it makes me feel worthless.

I just keep being a jerk to people, and when they tell me, I pretend not to care, but the truth is I do.
I wish I could just change.

[The Trendy Wolf]

A lot of what you've said, and I mean a lot of it, I do the same thing. I believe that you should talk with somebody, a professional. You could even show this to them! Please it will give you better understanding of why you feel out of place. I would also like to add that this is also a common part of puberty, but it eventually goes away, where you feel "different" and you're not really sure what you want to do with your life. I'm experiencing it currently as well. It is difficult, trust me, but it will absolutely get better, just please see somebody for help.

You will not regret it! And thank you, I appreciate you getting that off your chest, it takes courage to do that :D Have a nice day!

[Katiya]

Speak with a professional. They could help a lot in your situation. ;) even if its just to get things off your chest.

And like the ap said. Your young. You don't got to have everything figured out. Its kinda normal. You'll find your spot at some point ;)

[DarkOmega]

A lot of what you've said applies to me also.and I have been suicidal even today I just though and felt like I should end it all here .but then again I start thinking of what really close family (which are my really good and old friends that I grew up with) would feel or how my parents .(or at least one of them which didn't leave me when i was 2 ) would feel like ..and the expenses they have to pay .although that could be sorted out with me donating my body to science .I just don't know if I should go all the way with it or not .so I understand how you fell .but I say from my experience .wait a bit and see how things go. what changes and try to see who really cares for you no matter what ..sometimes its not family .but the people that make you feel that you are part of their family

[Kid0809]

Try and get help :/ it might help you better and try to think positive because if your negative it will only get worse...