Rate my FIRST POEM EVER!!!

[Dark Unicorn]

Stuck in a whirl darkness,
That even light with the strength of ten galaxies dares not penetrate,
Blinded by the suffocating strata of eternal blackness,
Hands bound as if in a strait jacket,
Feet glued to the ground,no movement.

And there in the distance,
Plunging a thousand feet to levels no mere mortal would dare,
Like a vengeful meteor hurtling towards the earth,
An angel whose charming beauty surpasses that of a million white lillies,
Dancing through the folds of darkness,
Unchaining the molecules of nothingness,
A trail of glory burns footprints in the dust.

An eye that glints among a hundred,
A gem that glimmers a thousand feet away
A rose that blooms,stands tall among the weeds,
A broken soul,a mended spirit,
Untainted,innocent,pure....

The last piece on a broken mirror,
The final word that completes the poem,
The ray of hope that keeps the sun shining through thirteen lonely Decembers,
The spark that reignites the embers,
An impeccable song: lyrical,mystical,holistic,fantastical.

A wild tulip thriving on a solitary hill,
A beach house lost under rushing waters,struggling under crushing waves,
A prisoner in the shrouds of a torturous mind,
A warm crimson sunset beyond clouds of grey,
Solicitous,infectious,mysterious,enchanting....

But does she know...?
Will she ever know...?
Only she knows.

[Fallen_Eagle]

I can't rate shit but yo nice poem :D

[Emerald Dream]

That's pretty good (especially for a first poem), and I hope you will write some more. Great job :)

[NeuroTiger]

It's a bit lengthy, in my opinion.
For a first one, it's certainly nice and I'll give it a 7/10.
You seem to have the potential to make a better poem.
Next time, for better rating, make it precise and concise.

[Saint of Sinners]

That was beautiful! Would love to see more!

[Dark Unicorn]

Thank you all so much for your input.

[Twilly F. Sniper]

A bit lengthy, but pretty good.

[Mob Boss]

I've discovered along the way with my own, and the majority of poetry in general, is that to better yourself you have to acknowledge how to discover the most paramount lines and cut the "fluff". Am I saying you should be writing two line poetry? Hell no. What I'm saying is this keeps the reader engaged, it reads infinitely better when it's tightened and packed in, fluff is unnecessary. I understand this probably sounds like I'm saying don't be descriptive. As a writer (well, fan of writing) who prides myself on descriptions, I'm definitely not saying that, rather don't get consumed in your descriptions. You'll find it will exponentially improve your writing.

As this is your first (damn good) poem, I thought I'd offer not critique, but rather share the knowledge I've accrued along the way both from others and the writing of others.


I think there's always much to be learned, but this is an incredible first poem and start in poetry. The creativity is undoubtedly there; that's so obvious. The depth is already there -- this isn't a "2D" poem, as I call them, that is without metaphors and depth. This is a really quality first poem to build on, a foundation so to speak, for your writing.

[Dark Unicorn]

I've discovered along the way with my own, and the majority of poetry in general, is that to better yourself you have to acknowledge how to discover the most paramount lines and cut the "fluff". Am I saying you should be writing two line poetry? Hell no. What I'm saying is this keeps the reader engaged, it reads infinitely better when it's tightened and packed in, fluff is unnecessary. I understand this probably sounds like I'm saying don't be descriptive. As a writer (well, fan of writing) who prides myself on descriptions, I'm definitely not saying that, rather don't get consumed in your descriptions. You'll find it will exponentially improve your writing.

As this is your first (damn good) poem, I thought I'd offer not critique, but rather share the knowledge I've accrued along the way both from others and the writing of others.


I think there's always much to be learned, but this is an incredible first poem and start in poetry. The creativity is undoubtedly there; that's so obvious. The depth is already there -- this isn't a "2D" poem, as I call them, that is without metaphors and depth. This is a really quality first poem to build on, a foundation so to speak, for your writing.

Thank you.I found that really helpful.Next time I shall try defluffitation.And yes,I just made up a silly word.

[badthoughts]

defluffitation.And yes,I just made up a silly word.
It's a fantastic word.

Here's my take on the poem: it would be abso-freaking-lutely awesome in story form.

I totally understand what Evelyn Salt is saying about tightening things up and packing it in a bit, and I agree. I would encourage you to make a version "B" of this poem, a version that is trimmed down a bit. For example, you can take this:

Hands bound as if in a strait jacket,
Feet glued to the ground,no movement.

And make it this:

Hands bound and feet glued,
she does not move.

Coincidentally it rhymes, but it certainly doesn't have to. I trimmed a little fat off the edges, but it still packs the punch that you want it to pack. Make sense?

However, with all that said, I also discourage you from defluffitation. Instead, play to your strengths. You write very descriptively, so you should continue to do so; but, instead of chopping up the flow so that it's in poem form, write it out so that it's in story form.

I loved this when I read it as a story, but I had a bit of a hard time following it when I read it as a poem. Although poems can be very personal and cannot be bound by any rules, if the author wishes for them to have the greatest impact on a reader, then they must be written so that the reader can follow. You follow?

I re-wrote your poem in story form, and emailed it to you. I hope you don't mind that I edited it, but I just wanted to show you exactly what I mean. I didn't feel right posting the edited form here; it seemed unethical to me for some reason, so that's why I emailed you.

Keep writing!

[ElijahMouth]

Beautiful! I agree with Evelyn Salt, think about keeping the reader engaged. What I've learned is that you shouldn't necessarily lay out every detail, rather, leave it open to interpretation. Badthoughts' example is a good reference for that. However I am not saying to never be so descriptive, just keep this in mind for certain poems. Good luck!

[chetbonare]

I loved it! I perceived a clear visual through the words of your poem. Thank you!

[Henry VIII]

I really enjoyed reading your poem, you are very talented. I love your ability to leave the reader in suspense. Well done, really well done. :)

[Jess]

That's a really good first poem ^_^

[rogoshtalmour]

this one was beyond me. It seemed a bit disjointed like you were trying to say it was all connected but it didn't seem connected to me. Still part of my issue with it may have been I couldn't get a proper timing for the reading. I just felt like this poem needed a beat and I couldn't find it.