What is wrong with me?

[EmptySoul]

In other posts I have put up today I have been feeling like total crap to be honeset. My Gramps is dying and I've been feeling the urge to cut badly. But my graduation is next week and I don't want to risk my scars showing, or any new cuts (if I do). I haven't cut in about 3 months or just over. I no people say doing exercise helps to release 'happy' chemicals (I can't remeber wha tthey are atualy called0 but I don't knw if it will turn into a compulsive thing. I started doing that a few months ago before my exam revision took over my spare time and so I havn't been on the treadmil in a while but I'm scared that it'l get obsessive like it did before. I feel like going on the treadmil for ages to clear my head helps but then when I get off I either don't feel hungry or refuse to eat or atleast eat an apropriate meal portion because it makes me fel better emotionally like I am finally in controlover somehting. I don't want to develop a ED, but I do want to lose some weight but if its a choice between not eating enough and exercisisng like a crazy perosn to feel 'better' instead of SH before grad the first option doesn't bother me no matter what the potential consequences could be. Am I just being stupid and nieve or is something wrong with me psychologically? My Aunt used to have Bulimia and I have always been underweight from being born prem and being on meds that are apetite supressants so if I lose too much weight I'm going to look like i have an ED, or end up developing one, but I don't really care if it does though. Is this just me trying to find another way to SH without leaving physical scars or is it something else entirely?

[MagicKittyKat]

Hurting yourself may be your way of coping with the pressures of life , and your instinct may go instantly back to your way of coping. The fact you're not wanting to eat or are preventing yourself from eating might be you subconsciously trying to find a way to hurt yourself without any scars or evidence.
Cutting is addictive , its a way of letting your pain out and you having control over what hurts you , but you're hurting yourself .. I used to cut , I cut because I was being treat worse than dirt , and the only thing that wasn't controlled in my life was whether I hurt myself or not. I've gone over half a year without harming myself now , you just have to have self determination , hurting yourself is not the normal way to react ... You just have to have faith in yourself knowing that you will be able to stop. There may be nothing wrong with you and all you need is to believe in yourself , and trust that you will stop , get the support of your friends and learn to recognise everything that is good about yourself .
Cherish the weeks or months you have left with your Gramps and let every minute you spend together count. To let emotion out shout and scream even hit things, just avoid purposefully doing things to harm yourself.
If you find that this is an unbreakable addiction , get professional help , it will seem humiliating , like you have no strength , but after the help has been given to you , youll know whether there is something wrong with you , or if this is just your way of coping.
There are always people you can talk to.
Stay strong x