alphabeta.
November 9th, 2013, 01:03 AM
hey,
for so many years i've thought that i was gay. i really can't remember when i first thought it but it's been this way for years, and i've been so beaten up over it and don't know what to do. the other day one of my friends and i got into a big fight and it was because i've been ignoring her a lot. she has strong feelings for me and she's told me that she loves me, and a lot of times i drop off the planet and ignore her for days because i feel really bad that i don't feel the same way for her. the other day we were really fighting and i thought i was going to lose her as a friend and told myself that if i don't say something to her, i'll never get another chance. i called her and told her that i was gay, because i've always thought that i was and never told anyone.
since then i told 2 other people. what i'm so confused about though is i don't know what i feel anymore. like i spent so long trying to convince myself that i wasn't gay, and now that i told a couple of people i find that it's almost like i'm trying to convince myself that i am gay. i don't know what to feel. i'm so confused. why am i feeling this way? i thought for sure that i was for a long time. i never watched straight porn before because i always thought it was kinda gross and i don't find women sexually attractive. i could look at a woman and think she's beautiful and her tits and everything, but nothing goes through my head that i want to sleep with her. i can remember watching the victoria's secret fashion show a couple of times and telling myself that these women are gorgeous, so why aren't i getting a boner or wanting to see them naked? instead i look at their hair or their shoes and want to be them. not actually them, just the power and confidence and beauty and everyone loves them. but when i look at a boy, it's like i want to be with them and fuck them and blow them and everything. i look at a guy and without realizing it i make comments about their smile or their teeth or hair or their features and i think about how i want to see them in their underwear or naked or on me and my heart races.
since i told the couple of people, i don't feel any of that anymore really. it's like all of those feelings went away. i don't want anything anymore. i don't want to be with a guy and i don't want to think about being with one sexually or anything. i don't know if it's because i'm in shock myself, because when i first told my friend it was really the first time i ever said it out loud to myself too, so it was just as much of a shock to me as it was to her. it's like there's a wall up in my head, whenever i start to think of something, i literally can't, and my mind goes blank. is it just because i haven't gotten used to the sudden change or over the shock? have any of you guys felt this way after coming out for the first time? literally i don't know what to feel.
another thing is i can't see myself being married to a boy at 60. i see myself messing around with guys and dating and stuff, but i think it's so weird to think about being old in a house married to a guy. but i can see myself married to a woman. i want kids and a family and i love being around girls, but i don't want to date them. i just want to be married to them and have the family lifestyle. also, i don't know how i fee about fucking a guy. i've never done it before, but i've also never done anything with a girl. i think about it and i want to blow a guy and receive the same thing, and i really want to kiss and play around like that, but i don't know what to think about anal sex. some days i think i'd like it and others it's like i don't want it at all. with girls, i've never actually watched straight porn because i think it's nasty and i like looking at boobs in a bra but not naked, and i think it's nasty to jack off to a naked woman. i don't want to see a pussy and i don't want to fuck one, but now i don't know if i even want to fuck a guy..
that was really long, summary i guess would be, for guys that recently came out or remember what it was like, did you go through a phase when you felt like you had to convince yourself that you actually were gay after telling people? because that's what i feel like i'm doing. i feel like i have to remind myself that i've felt this way for a long time and i really am gay, and i don't know why i'm questioning it after i've started to come out...
for so many years i've thought that i was gay. i really can't remember when i first thought it but it's been this way for years, and i've been so beaten up over it and don't know what to do. the other day one of my friends and i got into a big fight and it was because i've been ignoring her a lot. she has strong feelings for me and she's told me that she loves me, and a lot of times i drop off the planet and ignore her for days because i feel really bad that i don't feel the same way for her. the other day we were really fighting and i thought i was going to lose her as a friend and told myself that if i don't say something to her, i'll never get another chance. i called her and told her that i was gay, because i've always thought that i was and never told anyone.
since then i told 2 other people. what i'm so confused about though is i don't know what i feel anymore. like i spent so long trying to convince myself that i wasn't gay, and now that i told a couple of people i find that it's almost like i'm trying to convince myself that i am gay. i don't know what to feel. i'm so confused. why am i feeling this way? i thought for sure that i was for a long time. i never watched straight porn before because i always thought it was kinda gross and i don't find women sexually attractive. i could look at a woman and think she's beautiful and her tits and everything, but nothing goes through my head that i want to sleep with her. i can remember watching the victoria's secret fashion show a couple of times and telling myself that these women are gorgeous, so why aren't i getting a boner or wanting to see them naked? instead i look at their hair or their shoes and want to be them. not actually them, just the power and confidence and beauty and everyone loves them. but when i look at a boy, it's like i want to be with them and fuck them and blow them and everything. i look at a guy and without realizing it i make comments about their smile or their teeth or hair or their features and i think about how i want to see them in their underwear or naked or on me and my heart races.
since i told the couple of people, i don't feel any of that anymore really. it's like all of those feelings went away. i don't want anything anymore. i don't want to be with a guy and i don't want to think about being with one sexually or anything. i don't know if it's because i'm in shock myself, because when i first told my friend it was really the first time i ever said it out loud to myself too, so it was just as much of a shock to me as it was to her. it's like there's a wall up in my head, whenever i start to think of something, i literally can't, and my mind goes blank. is it just because i haven't gotten used to the sudden change or over the shock? have any of you guys felt this way after coming out for the first time? literally i don't know what to feel.
another thing is i can't see myself being married to a boy at 60. i see myself messing around with guys and dating and stuff, but i think it's so weird to think about being old in a house married to a guy. but i can see myself married to a woman. i want kids and a family and i love being around girls, but i don't want to date them. i just want to be married to them and have the family lifestyle. also, i don't know how i fee about fucking a guy. i've never done it before, but i've also never done anything with a girl. i think about it and i want to blow a guy and receive the same thing, and i really want to kiss and play around like that, but i don't know what to think about anal sex. some days i think i'd like it and others it's like i don't want it at all. with girls, i've never actually watched straight porn because i think it's nasty and i like looking at boobs in a bra but not naked, and i think it's nasty to jack off to a naked woman. i don't want to see a pussy and i don't want to fuck one, but now i don't know if i even want to fuck a guy..
that was really long, summary i guess would be, for guys that recently came out or remember what it was like, did you go through a phase when you felt like you had to convince yourself that you actually were gay after telling people? because that's what i feel like i'm doing. i feel like i have to remind myself that i've felt this way for a long time and i really am gay, and i don't know why i'm questioning it after i've started to come out...