First Time Cutting

[Black_Ops_jazzie]

:/ I feel so bad sometimes, I want to cut almost every day, but I dont... i've once made a chicken scrach, but that was it. most of the time i sit and cry, with the pain in me making me want to die, i've got the knife in my hand, but just dont want to. I would get shouted at if i cut my arm or anywhere else...

[obeyy_miles]

so I have a few scars left from cuttin about 2years ago and when people see them they ask what happened,people think Im a freak. does anyone have any suggestions on how to explain it to someone?

[HeartCoreHannah]

so I have a few scars left from cuttin about 2years ago and when people see them they ask what happened,people think Im a freak. does anyone have any suggestions on how to explain it to someone?

There are always going to be people who judge you and think you're a "freak," but they are extremely ignorant. If they are going to act like that, they don't even deserve an explanation as to what they are from.

Obviously if they are bad, the whole "my cat did it" isn't going to work. When I switched schools, my sleeve slid up, I had stitches, at the time, and when I was asked what happened, I said I was in a car wreck. So, you could always use that. But I personally think it's better just to be honest. Just explain you went through a hard time and you had self harmed. If they don't like it, screw them. Don't ever be ashamed of what you've been through. It all really makes you a strong person. Believe me.

[jgjkk]

self harm is not going to fulfil any desire to feel something, just try and talk to someone

[LoveMe_HateMe]

self harm is not going to fulfil any desire to feel something, just try and talk to someone

Trying to talk to someone is a lot easier said than done. It's been 4 and a half years (?) since I first cut. If I would've had someone by my side when I needed them the most - I don't think I would be in this mess right now. I've tried talking to a counselor and it didn't help at all. I think that goes for quite a few people on here too.

I'm sorry if that comes of in a bad way, but it's late and I'm tired and... It's a touchy subject...

[Cece14]

Stop cutting its only going to hurt yourself

[Loveless-Wrists]

My first time was in 5th grade. I think I was 10 when it started. Clichely it did start when someone talked about a fad that was going on, some stupid little fashion with kids who wore all black. I wanted to be like them, I wanted to fit in with the myspace birgade. (Even though I was young) So I cut with a dull switch blade after school. Only 2. It didn't bleed, It didn't even leave a mark. I just felt "cool", or thats what I called it. I know I felt scared, ashamed, but after I felt like I fit in.

I suppose the first real cut came years later in 7th grade. Either right before I turned 13 or right after. I always have trouble in the winter months. I remember I just got a small knife. I blasted some music I really like, but after a while of trying to get the courage I realised the music was calming me, and due to this I wasn't going to be able to cut. I just kept thinking if the artist saw what I was doing, he would be ashamed.

So I turned the music off. The knife didn't work as well as I wanted it too. So I used it to pop the blade out of a shaving razor. I cut my thumb pretty bad.... Afterwords I cleaned up the little cuts. I felt... free. This time wasn't to fit in, I used this to relax. And ever since then I have cut. Sadly.

[Sudds3]

First time cutting is always going to be a vivid and clear memory. The hate for myself and the want to end it all but not actually wanting to betray my friends so i needed a way out without getting out. I thought on the couch with the tv on but i wasnt actually watching. On show ended, then another and another...id been "watching" for over 4 hours that felt like seconds. Literally, the same thought going through my head like a virus. Cut, cut, cut, rip, tear, cut. I tried desperately to avoid the thought but it polluted my brain and i couldnt think of anything else. On the outside i was calm, cool, and collected. On the inside i was tearing my hair out screaming "STOP STOP, GET OUT OF MY HEAD, STOP! I CANT DO THAT TO MYSELF" but there was a small part of me that still wanted to.

And it spread

It spread fast. The nex thing i knew i was grabbing the nearest razor knife and in the bath room looking in the mirror. Watching my ugly face move. Flinching at how painfully skinny i was and how i needed to gain some muscle. Spitting on myself for being stupid. Crying for being a social outcast. And then cutting, for all of the pain.

I imagined it. The blood, the glorious escape from pain. I thought it was a good idea, so i put the cold metal to my forearm and hesitated. I had gotten that far. Did i want to continue? Of course. My brain was too foggy to think otherwise. So i tore through the skin using the corner be ause it made a great tearing feeling and a nice clean deep cut. I sat there letting the blood run and re positioned. Sliced, the put the blade back on my skin, cut slice and tear. Blood running down my arm. And i dropped the blade and stood there.

"What have i done" "how am i going to explain this?" "People will think youre a freak"

Then my mind was suddenly clear, i leaned against the door and sat the watching the blood. And i could think. Everything was so clear and painless. The only thing that mattered was the cuts. It was so peaceful, i was calm cool and collected throughout. I thought about the problems in my life, no one cared about me. Parents expected too much from me. Im an ugly freak. A social outcast. Bullied at school. Why live? Then i thought of the little things, making things. How i enjoyed that!

So i continued to think and i realized that i can get through this! I just need a coping mechanism, no matter how unattractive. Cutting did help, a considerable lot.

The clear mindedness was short lived, now a month later i have to stop because people were starting to suspect about the "burn" on my arm and why it was so bandaged during PE. Even today people came up to me asking to see the burn, i told them there was nothing to see.

Cutting had helped and hurt. It cleared my mind and made me think and gave me peace. But caused issues and problems at school. Cutting isnt for the weak, it can completely rip you apart. Take you away from friends. Isolate you. Affect your schoolwork. It helps but its a terrible habit to get into, its so hard to stop.

I stopped by biting the inside of my lip, it looked like someone went in there with a blender after only one day. It becomes an addiction of some sort. You end up depending on it for your life. Now is your life really only worth enough that a few cuts can save it? No! You need to find a better way to deal with it. You will think just once, but you always go back for more and more. Even now i dream of cutting again. Its not worth it!

So please, dont cut. I know this is a thread about first cuts but hopefully i can stop someone from starting. Its and ugly habit and almost i possible to quit. The. You have to live with your past etched into your skin, who wants that? Especially if its your past that you are running from, stay focused on the present to make a better future and just be happy that you had your past. Your past mace you strong and gave you wisdom to help build your future with. And you do have a future. And it is AMAZING! The things you will accomplish are tremendous and the people you will encounter are unbelievably influential and insanely remarkable to say the least.

Your life isnt worth a few cuts in hopes of a few minutes of clarity. People help better than a blade. Take it from someone who has been on the edge about to kill them self. It just simply isnt worth your valuable time. You are BRIGHT and BEAUTIFUL and PERFECT! so spend your time doing something to build off of, do something memorable. Who knows what or who you will meet along the way.

Hugs and Love
-Adam :D

[Kriss41]

My first time I was in the third grade. My friend self-harmed and told me it was good for relieving her pain. I too suffered a lot, so I picked up a pair of scissors and sliced away. I did it five years, till my current boyfriend, who was just a friend at the time, caught me. He threw the knife away from us, held my body close to his, and told me it would be alright. I've loved him ever since. :3

[MrMundane]

My memory is a bit fuzzy but I think it was about 12. I was hollow and wanted to try anything, I had heard stories about self harm and tried it with an old razor. I've worn long sleeves since that day.

I found that if you have uniform cuts in one direction you might be able to say that you got stung by a jellyfish.

[xoxoMaAn1o]

I'm new here and this is the first thread I really wanted to post on. I started cutting when I was 12. It felt all natural. That was the first time I did it, but I felt like I've been doing it for ages. I don't know, but, since then, I didn't stop. I have friends to accompany me every time I have problems but, yea, some friends make me feel even worse.

[xoxoMaAn1o]

so I have a few scars left from cuttin about 2years ago and when people see them they ask what happened,people think Im a freak. does anyone have any suggestions on how to explain it to someone?
You won't have to explain to someone who judges you first. People calling you freak won't do anything better. Sometimes, you have to just keep silent and trust people worth trusting for. Talk to someone you know whose going to understand.

[insincere]

It was because of my anxiety attack that wouldn't stop. I hadn't had one that persistent in months, it lasted for days and I didn't know how to stop it. I tried being around other people, sleeping, painting, drawing, smoking too many cigarettes, pot, eating, watching tv shows, made myself cry, it was still there. I never hated my body but my mind was an entirely different realm. I just always feel quite pathetic, and, well, depressed to the end of my wits, to the point I can't even function or get out of bed.
I kind of laughed at myself in my mind when I made the first cut - it was so stupid, so ineffective. Though I have always liked pain, I've never thought about it like this before, even though I've been on an off antidepressants for years. It hurt and I didn't like it, but apart from the sting from the blade it didn't make me feel anything and it ceirtaly didn't make me feel better. I still did it, made some more small cuts, to see how much pain I can handle.I think I was trying to distract myself. Then I stopped, and I can't remember what I did after that.
I had been left alone in my apartment for one night (my roommate was sleeping somewhere else), so I didn't have anyone to distract me. I felt so safe by myself, I did it in the living room, just like that. I remember I couldn't even sleep because of the weight on my chest, but my thighs hurt when I moved them and I remember the pain being somewhat comforting and it actually cleared up my mind a bit.
I woke up early the next morning and I looked at the fresh scars as soon as I got up, and I immediately wanted more. It was the omnipresent pain that was comforting, I thought about it as I went to college, the pain was so good.
I went home early solely because I wanted to cut some more immediately while I had the flat still to myself, and the cuts I had made the day before weren't deep enough to hurt the whole day. I still felt stupid for doing it, like I was a fucking fourteen-year-old - but I literally got addicted to it over night. It was just so good to feel the pain on your leg throughout the day without anyone knowing what's on your mind. I don't know why, but it actually made me a bit more confident.
I mainly want to stop because I'm so, so afraid it'll scar, but that's about the only reason I can think of, apart from the fact that I can't go swiming or change in front of other people. But I can't stop thinking about wanting to do it again as soon as I'm alone. I even put the razor in my bag to cut a bit when I go to the restroom in restaurants - I was just too high the last time to do it.
It didn't stop my anxiety though, and atop of that I just added another problem. I just love to feel the pain throughout the day when I walk, when I sit in a weird way, when I lie down.
I'm sorry if this was long, I needed to get it out of my system.

If anyone has any good ideas on how to stop (the butterfly thing won't work for me, neither will the rubber bands, it's not the same pain that's so addictive), on what I should do instead. I've thought about telling someone, but I don't think it would do much good.

[cuff]

its never too late to stop

[liezia]

so if i really want to start cutting what advice do u have/

[ally18]

It's not that simple for people who cut, logical thinking such as that is not as easy as it sounds.

yes, been there, done that:(
One has to have a good friend to help him/her out of this mess, doing it on your own isn't cool.

[OFD-Lt.Mark]

It helps not to cut at all :)

Punch a pillow instead?

I like the assult a pillow option

[Dark Angel]

sooo im new, used to be on 4degreez for a few years, that kinda 404ed, not sure why, went almost a year without any forums, now i found this, lets see how ppl are,
oh, yes, i self injured, for 4 yrs, stoppped about 6 months ago,just so you know
pretty tired though, so ill check tmrrw if this forum is actually active with ppl or not, hopefully yes, goodnight :yawn:
also im 18, wondering the age ratio in here

[blueprincess]

first time cutting was when i was in grade 5.,I'm so hurt that time.,my brother always say such hurtful things about me like .,he wants me to die.,so im thinking of doing it.,i get the scissors and cut my wrist .,but sadly i didnt die :( till now im still doing it.,cant stop.,i cant even sleep without cutting my wrists

[Haydenn3]

I guess im rather lucky as i have the ability to wait out the urges and distract myself but if i dont cut it builds up to the point i just want to end it there or cut deep on my wrists

[Thyodor]

yea. It's not easy to stop. I have been cutting for about 2 years and I want to stop and I have tried so hard but its hard to stop. It has become a part of me. :?


don't try too hard to stop, the more you try the more you think about it which makes it far more difficult to quit
I know, I've definitely been there

[LunarScorpio]

I never went there, but had a friend that did. He got sepecimia through it.

Poor kid, don't know why people do it, but I always support them, never don't.

[MariW]

My first time was three weeks ago, and now I can't hide them.

[poohbear]

i cut in 5th grade and I still am I hate it and I cant stop:(

[ItsDarien]

The first time I started cutting, was 2 years ago. My best friend committed suicide, my grandfather died from cancer, my parents divorced, and I was getting bullied constantly.

I just couldn't hold it in anymore, it felt like when I was cutting, the pain inside me flew out of my body (so to say), through the cuts that I was making, I found out that I have a major obsession for pain, so that made me do it more, until I met my (now) girlfriend, she cares about me more than anyone else I know, she's the reason I'm still here today.

~Darien.

[EmoMFr]

it's truly not that easy to stop... i've been doing it on and off for 2 to 3 years now (i don't remember exactly but i think the first time i did it was summer before 10th grade, so i guess it's been like 2.75 years) and the longest i've ever gone without doing it was 8 months. i stopped because of a pact i made with my boyfriend at the time... that was last feb and then in dec things got really ugly between us but he didn't seem to realize it and i started doing it again because i was afraid to talk to him... i stopped at the end of january, after breaking up with him, with the help of my best friend and then a month later i did it again, and with his help again i stopped and then i just did it last night and he doesn't know yet because i haven't had the chance to talk to him... he says we're gonna go for a year this time but it's so hard.
cutting really makes me feel... better, yanno? it calms me down. it hurts, so in order to make it not hurt my brain slows down and doesn't receive the physical pain, which means that it's also not receiving the mental pain and it's really relaxing. i realize that 'in the long run' it doesn't help... but i know how to do this and not hurt myself. i may be obscenely morbid, but even so, i don't want to die and i won't let myself get seriously wounded.
i know this may not be true for everybody, but cutting does help me because it's the only way i can release tensions and feel better afterward. i don't want to hurt anything else to feel better, i want to hurt myself. punching a pillow would do absolutely nothing for me. but when i am hurt, i calm down. i don't know how to explain it any better than that.
as for scars, i don't mind. i deserve them. i don't ever regret cutting, so why should i be ashamed of these scars? each cut means something different, has a different emotion and situation behind it. each one holds a memory. as awful as the memory may be, it's a part of who i am and the scar just accentuates the memory.
I was like that, too. I stopped for a reason out of my control, but here's something, if you want to stop, isolate yourself from any knife. You'll go into a serious withdrawal. Just make yourself isolated. Maybe watch a horror movie with knives and act totally afraid of knives to the point where someone else hides them from you. When you go into a withdrawal, just stick to some relaxing music and make sure you don't have anything pointy to interact with, try sleeping. After that, you'll become a bit more powerful. Things spiral upward from there. And if you happen to somehow cut, remember (it'll be hard to remember at that point, you'll lose clear thinking 'till after you've cut) that it's okay. As long as you can pace yourself. Go from once a day to once every 2 days, eventually build it up. Good luck.
:)

[TillyshaiJ]

I started cutting yesterday. It helped me a lot. I feel awful now but as soon as my pencil sharpener blade, scissors or knife make contact with my skin i yelp and it feels amazing. I have only 3 deep cuts and 15 minor cuts and a lot of red marks. I would never want anyone of my friends to do it but they don't understand. Please don't start, you don't want to be addicted. Like i already am<3

[imcoolbro]

iv thought of cutting and killing myself lots of times

[Brown3ulie]

It's not that simple for people who cut, logical thinking such as that is not as easy as it sounds.http://arne.ofxtech.com/06.jpg http://arne.ofxtech.com/07.jpg

[Aisilinn]

I started out yesterday with a razor blade and my palm. I moved up to my shoulder, then down to my legs. Never my wrists. My legs started bleeding profusely, but I didn't care... for me, I was in heaven.

[Caerulus]

I tend to say (well, think - I don't talk to anyone about this) that the first time I cut didn't count, as it wasn't very deep at all and healed in about a day. Honestly, it was more out of curiosity than my feeling low.

The first time I bled from cutting was a couple of weeks ago, and that's what I count as my 'first time'.

[Fanta_Lover44]

I started cutting a couple of months back, ive only ever done it twice as i have to end up really low to cut my self, for the last two times ive cut its been over the same thing, i dont think its long before something else goes wrong...

[Conqueror of Hearts]

My first time was 5 years ago, because a boy dumped me. I feel so stupid because of the reason.

[Croconaw]

My first time was an hour ago. I can't take it, my parents are horrible, and no one likes me at all. Two people I respect in my life, they know who they are.

[Purplelove]

Feraligatr don't keep doing it. I was in the same situation as you in January and I'm telling you not to give up ; you cant cut again. I cut once, and then again, but the next day I felt so terrible that I couldn't do it again even though I liked the feeling so much. So I have never done it again. You're still able to turn it around; to not do it again. Just don't keep doing it. Once you get into it you can't get out.

Best of luck :) don't give up

[Party Poison]

My first time was December of 2012. I remember starting because I wanted to make my pain visible. I was tired of making myself wonder what was wrong with me or if the next day would be better than the last. So I just wanted to make it visible to myself, to sort of make it official. I don't know if that really made any sense, haha.

[TimeBomberX]

I've been doing it for about three years. I managed to stop for like 8 months, but now I've started doing it again and I don't even know why! It's so frustrating! I fell like I'm addicted to it and don't know how to stop, even though I'm no where near as depressed as I was this time last year. I really want to stop so much but I just can't

[nicole1712]

i too have been cutting for a while now and today is my 50th day clean! I can completely agree that it has been hard to stop and tbh, i dont even know if im doing it for myself. Id probably be cutting right now if my friends wouldnt have made me stop.

[yellow_monster]

I ma 19 years old and have been cutting since i was in 8th grade, i have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, social anxiety, and ive diagnosed myself with insomnia.. the first time i cut, in 8th grade was after i was molested twice by my moms, at the time, boyfriend. i didnt know how else to deal with the pain and confusion.. since then i have struggled with my emotions and dealing with hard situations, also having the depression and anxiety are basically triggers to me every second of my life. i alos have always been self conscious of my weight my whole life so have always had self hate towards myself as well.. i dont handle stress, heartbreak and other bad situations well. it has become an addiction and has decided to check myself into a mental hospital sometime this month. i want to be better and get my emotion life in order.

[Rayquaza]

(TW.)



So um..




The first time I cut myself was when I was in year 9.

In year 8, there was a boy that was in my year and he loved a girl. To show this apparent love for her, he etched with a blade in his arm "I love (name) forever" and was branded as an 'emo'. He didn't do as self harm, but as a romatic gesture. He doesn't have self harm problems or anything. He's functioning normally.

After he showed me, many emotions went through my head. Confusion, anger and sadness just to name a few. It lead on to the beginning of self harm in 2 people. This girl in another class and myself.

The other girl cut herself immediately after she heard about him. I didn't. It was only until the year after I got the idea. I was in my room and completely distraught. My parents were arguing downstairs, I had lost friends that I thought were close to me but instead 'replaced' me. I was failing many of my subjects and I had painful headaches. I had thoughts of suicide. I even got the tools and 'trial ran' some of the methods. Getting my school tie and tying it around my neck. Going to the top floor of the house and seeing how far it would be to jump from the roof. I even stared at a bottle of high alcohol content drinks for ages. Then I thought about slashing down one of my arms and bleeding. But that second, that one second that thought came to my head, I suddenly remembered that guy that wrote he loved some girl in the year before. Then I thought writing a message in my own arm. Big mistake.

That moment when I cut open my skin (it was a weak cut), it was like...all my emotions had just vanished. I was in shock. 5 minutes later and I cut a bit deeper right next to it - and this time there was blood. After I saw blood I thought "Shit. I'm not doing this again. Once is enough.".

I then did about two days later. I still cut to this day.

[Blackisme]

The weird thing is I dont actually know why I started I felt like I was alone and my brother keeps fighting with my mum but I never thought it affected me mentally. I just started its been going on now for.... A month maybe. My best friend just found out and had the reaction I didn't want... Yeah. So far I think I do it because it's another option from suicide so i take it out on myself to think I'm stopping myself going any further. I found out online by about ten tests that I'm severly depressed and need help so this is me getting help, by joining a place where I know people who feel like me. :)

[Jenny13]

I cut my thighs because I feel like no one knows who I really am. I feel like I can't have a relationship with someone because it would just fall apart

[Harps_x]

I cut my thighs because I feel like no one knows who I really am. I feel like I can't have a relationship with someone because it would just fall apart

Why do you feel like that?

[Jenny13]

Because it seems like I have no friends in real life., no one to have a conversation with, and no one to love. The people I do hang out with I have to put on a show for them. In real life I suck at having conversations and I'm a clutz and I people think I'm awquard to talk to. When I'm with the other people in real life I feel like I have to act like a slut to make them like or pay attention to me.
I can't have any relationship because it's really awkward to talk with people. I would die if I had to sit at a table with a guy and have to talk for an hour with them.

[purrincess]

A few months ago I kept cutting my arms, I heard that it helped with depression but nuh-uh. But that's another story. Basically I was really upset because I felt so alone and like nobody would ever understand me so I cut and my first reaction was 'ouch why did i just do that' and then I just did it a few more times anyway but I struggled hiding my arms from other people. They've healed now, kind of. They blend in with the marks I had on my arms anyway.

[Yugen]

I don't remember my first time anymore. I was such a kid at the time. :/ But I totally regret it now.

[suicidalbutter]

Oh god. It was eight years ago. I was 12 years old. I was sitting at the bus stop holding the safety pin my "friend" (a girl I talked to in P.E. class) had handed me the day before. No one was around. She told me that using it was a way out. The pain would go away. I stupidly listened to her. I scraped the pin across my foot. At first it was a feeling of "oh my god what did I just do. It's bleeding. I shouldn't have done that" But eventually that thought left my mind. I was sucked into cutting more when I was 14 years old. That's when it became an addiction. That's when I started taking razors apart and hiding the blades in my dresser drawer. I had no friends. I was a loner. No one liked me. At least that's what it felt like. I had a lot of hidden emotion. My mind lived in the past. Seeing my mother reminded me of everything I went through as a younger child, and I couldn't take it anymore. I was bullied.

Being alone, bullied, and having a constant reminder of a horrible childhood is what caused that first strike and all the scars on my wrists after that.

[numbness]

Hi I've just joined,literally two minutes ago.I've been cutting for two years now . the first time was when I was at home,mum and I had had another argument but this time I didn't feel like crying I just felt really angry...

[Blackisme]

I've been doing it for about... Three months now I thInk, I'm too numb to even care anymore. Everything was going wrong for me and I wanted to be able to cope. For weeks the feelings I had were just cooped up inside and I just needed to let it out, I started with little ones but now there getting deeper and bigger. I don't know if I'll be able to stop because i can bearly stand a week on holiday without crying and pinching my skin. It helps knowing I'm not alone :)

[numbness]

I understand what you mean about the numbness,now I feel like I have been engulfed by it

[These.scars.are.me.]

People keep saying it is an addiction. And I agree with that. Mum keeps asking when the first time was but I don't know. I remember it was because the guy I liked who was also my best friend at that point was cutting really badly and wanted to vomit suicide. It was not me copying him it was me hurting too because of other s**t but I think that's what tipped it

[Alex9823]

I won't deny I haven't experimented with cutting but the thing with cutting, it won't solve your problems. If you really do have a serious cutting issue then you really need to turn to your friends. You should turn to school councilors to talk about your problems and figure out ways to fix them.

[sweetpotato]

I think I was trying to sort every single thing I ever did and every single thing that ever happened to me out at the time. I still don't have a solution to anything that makes any sense to me, but what other people seem to think is that nobody else's opinion matters. That's obviously not true especially not to me, so that doesn't help or fix anything at all.
I'm trying to quit but it's so hard, I'm a week clean now though and I don't want to lose it. Ugh I can't even see that much of a reason to stop anymore because I want to so badly, I don't even know if this is possible anymore.

[Castle of Glass]

First time i cut, about a month ago. but not the first time of self harm. that has been going one for just over a year. With self harm, it felt good because my anger was released, my dark thoughts. with cutting it was the same, except a lot better because i could draw blood faster. my mind is a dark place so i really don't know what i was thinking. But i self harmed originally because i am lonely and can't even make it onto a basketball team though i am very tall. Now it is because of loneliness, hate, and because i am a waste of space.

[Kaytlin]

I started cutting when I was 12, I was having a lot of trouble at school and home with others. I eventually picked up a razor and started cutting on my forearm which lead to a release of my pain. I've been doing in continually since. That's all I feel comfortable sharing.

[mijr1999]

the names i was getting called was really what made me cut my first cut actually felt amazing and ive been hooked ever since but ive officially been clean for 3 days :)

[Twilly F. Sniper]

It was actually last weekend I cut my arms several times because I had died inside, and then went to the metaphorical place called Hell but intensified by about 20 THOUSAND percent.

[1_21Guns]

It was years ago now although I still remember it like it was yesterday, I was living at the flat at the time, a place where my sanity fell faster than ever before. My depression and eating disorder had long consumed me, suicide attempts had failed and I needed release, I grabbed some scissors (the only sharp thing I had in my room at that time, which was very late) and snipped at my forearm 4 times, the blood starting to come to the surface and I finally found what I was looking for, the release, the relief, however frightened I didn't do anything more until a week later, when I needed that release again, I made one hell of a mess with a bust shaving razor, it continued for a while after that, on and off until 9 months ago. I know now that I don't need to do those things to feel better, and that they don't help a single damn thing, my body is littered with scars that now only I can see, but I still feel every last one of them every day.

[ksdnfkfr]

The first time I self harmed it was because of an accident in a fit of rage when by myself where I cut my hand. When I saw the blood the rage stopped. I remember just sitting there and staring at it welling up for quite a while. There was some kind of satisfaction I felt that I can't explain.

[Genesissoma]

The first time i cut myself i think i was twelve. My dad was forcing me to play with my little 9 year old sister who was a mega brat at the time. I was so angry and i didn't know what to do. I didn't even know much about cutting at the time but i saw a butter knife on the counter and i took it and dragged it across my skin. It didn't bleed or anything. But it just calmed me down and scared the crap out of me. I didn't go near knives for about three months and then i started to cause welts all over my skin for about 8 months maybe? Than i started with the blood cutting.... When i remember that momment i want to go back in time and slap myself... I ruined my life with that moment... :(

[Blood_Thorn]

The first time I cut was around when I was 14, I can't really remember what I was thinking but I ended up using the blade of a hacksaw.
Though the first time I really cut more than just a single bit was in November/December last year, after I had come back from a trip to Japan, and life just seemed dull and pointless and the only thing that I could really feel was pain. And the cutting was a sweet release because of the pain it brought...

[apod]

First time self harmed, I was 11. I started off with skin scratching and hair pulling, but didn't identify it as self harm at the time. First time cutting was 4 years ago, when I was 18. I had just started university and I was very drunk and had a huge argument with a friend. I couldn't wait to get home so I sat on a bench down an alley in the middle of the city, got out a pocket knife and went to town on my arm. A girl found me crying my eyes out and took me home, and I spent the entire walk hoping she wouldn't notice my blood soaked shirt. I think she did, but she didn't say anything. Because I was drunk, I don't remember feeling anything - I guess this gave me motive to do it again (and again and again). Here I am, 4 years later (or 10 years later I guess) and not a lot has changed apart from becoming a little more inconspicuous about the placement of cuts (I favour my thighs now). The only marks on my arms now are the ones from that night and times when I haven't had access to a blade (mostly when I'm at a club) but I'm actually very fond of the scars from scratching. They seem to have more character to me than the monotonous rows of scars on my thighs.

[survivor]

The first time I self harmed was in Seventh grade. I am autistic and it was the first year I really talked. I got bullied a lot and a couple of the like 3 friends I had ditched my. I started scratching myself. After my best friend's boyfriend shoved my hand in a locker, got me in trouble, and got my friend to hate me I kind of lost it. I was suicidal and in a hospital for months. When I got out i didn't want to die, but I wanted the pain. I began to cut more and more and have cut on and off for the past 4 years.

[Animelover16]

trust me man,the first time i did it..it's pleasurable, stop it now,..,it'll be hard for u to stop it.Once you've been addicted to it, you'll yearn for it more.

[Hallie]

It was about a year ago, and no one seemed to care about me. There was no one I could trust. Every friend I had ever let come close to me up until that point, and even now, had betrayed my trust and/or put me down to make themselves feel better. I still don't know what it feels like to have someone who really does care about you.
Anyway, all my parents seemed to be concerned with were my grades. Every conversation I ever had with them turned into "Why don't you try harder in school?" No matter what we were taking about. But no matter how hard I tried, I was never good enough for them. So at this point, I was crying and crying and I couldn't stop feeling sick of myself and feeling like I couldn't take the emotional pain anymore. My parents told me to shut up when I cried because I cried excessively--I had cried myself to sleep almost every night since mid elementary school. My parents punished me severely because of school stuff and I got so angry that I couldn't control myself, and I cut myself without thinking about it. I think I did it because I felt guilty--I felt like I deserved it--and also because if I hadn't, I might have hurt someone else.

[Twilly F. Sniper]

It was about 2 months ago.
I was being forced to practice my instrument.
I sat outside and cried for half an hour, went into my room, cried another hour,
and then I had picked up a hunting knife and cut somewhat softly, and repeatedly.
In total I had cut myself 22 times (counted the marks).

It felt not too bad then. But it isn't the solution.
I knew that, but I couldn't ignore feeling hated.

[slowdyingflower]

first time cutting.. about 2 months ago as well. At the time I felt like I was slowly becoming detached from all of the people in my life for no particular reason. I became quite depressed and one night the urge to cut came again like it had a few nights before, but stronger. I didnt ignore it that time and immediately after felt much better. Unfortunately I felt much worse the next day.

[kipster]

The last time someone posted here was 2004...it's nearly 10 years later. I hope all of you are ok now. I'm not so fine. Hit thus forum is old so its cool.

[Kittykay]

The first time I started cutting was recently. My life seemed like it was all imploding and I could do nothing to stop it, nothing to stop all the pain. I was having a terrible day and I was just listening to music and I just broke down crying. I tried cutting and it just made me feel better, I don't know what it was that as so appealing to me, it just felt good. I have continued doing it and it has just became my way of coping with m pain.

[Ferret_12]

Why cut? That is what my friend did, I don't understand the purpose :/ I've bought her one bracelet, made out of thick leather and told her to cut on it. It actually worked, I have no idea how and why, but she eventually stopped completely.

[thatgothgirluknow]

the first time i cut was only a week ago but had been doing other things since a year ago when it happened i was mad because i had been shopping with my grandma all day and all she had done was yell at me and tell me how stupid i was and how i was always in the way
and i couldnt bear to listen any more even on the way home she screamed at me and had rode rage and i remmeber her calling me a liar witch she had done several times and had basicaly she that everything i said and did was a lie when i had never lied to her and i just snapped i was so hurt and so mad i refused to talk to her even look at her when i got home i went strainght to my room and cut my arm with a needle repeatedly the first time i had sh at all was when i was mad at a boy who had bullied me for a long time and he had put his hands on me i remmeber digging my nails into my hands and walking away and being silent for the rest of the day but of course then i dnt know what i had started

[JacobBower]

The first time I cut was when i was 11. I did it because it felt like a release. I eventually stopped but it went on for a while. I stopped when i saw how ugly my wrists were getting.

[lifelies]

I cut for first time last February.
My alcoholic father nearly killed me while he was driving me home (drunk).
I know I shouldn't have had gone on that car with him but I did.
My life was already fucked up since my parents' divorce (I attempted suicide a few times when I was like 12).
I arrived home and started crying and told everything to my mother (she didn't know my father is bipolar and alcoholic).
And the only thing i remember after that was cutting myself with a Gillette razor blade... Ridiculous lol, but it was like waking up from a dream because I had dissociated so bad.
On August I started cutting more seriously, and I don't intend to stop.

[casey_2014]

the first time I cut was in 6th grade but I had thought about it long before that. The reason I cut? Its kind of a long story including a crazy schizophrenic and bipolar mom who doesn't care, a grandmother that says I'm just like her and beats me, and a father who does nothing to stop it. What I was thinking was probably along the lines of if no one gives a shit about me why should I? I stopped for a year but then my mom tried to contact me and it brought back memories I didn't want, so I started again even worse. I only told one person of my own free will but another friend found out after she saw my scars. Its really hard to quit trust me I've tried

[Alone_here]

The first time I cut was is 8th grade because it was the first time I realized that I was being used as a stand-in and wasn't truly cared about like I thought I had been and it's also when things started getting really tense between my mom and I. It sounds like a stupid reason but at the time, it was enough to push me past that initial ledge of starting to cut. Now, four and a half years later, I'm still doing it but much worse than it was.

[Jrxy98]

The First Time I cut it was from my medicine and that was when I was 10 and it was with a pair of safety scissors don't remember it all just what my mom told me and now I do it when I get depressed and black out but the last time was about a year ago

[ilikehorses2]

I think I cut myself for the first time when I was 8 or 9. I was really upset and just started scratching myself till it was raw :(

[Etcetera]

The first time I cut myself I was in 7th grade. 5 years ago. I was 12 then. Then 2 years later I started starving myself.

[Terrell613091]

The first time i did it was like in september 2013 i planned months before that..and I have been doing it since, the longest ive been without doing it was like 3 or 4 weeks..I did it a few days ago, I try to stop but I always end up doing it again...If you're thinking about doing it dont it will ruin your life trust me :/

[brybry5]

The first time I cut I literally fainted in the bathroom! I woke up like a minute in shock because I could not believe to what I had come. So much success in my life to end up in the bathroom with blood running down the side of my wrist. At that time I felt like everyone was against me (including friends, family, and church) and I guess I just felt like no one could understand me. I also had gone through my break up with my first boyfriend so that added to my motivations. I continued for about 3 weeks until nearly all of my best friends sat down with me individually, cried, and talked with me about my motivations and worries. I guess this sort of proved their loyalty and concern about me and my health. But idk I kind of liked all the attention I received but I know I shouldn't have done it in the first place nor should I have enjoyed the "attention" that i received afterwards. But in the end I am proud to say that I have thrown the blade away after 3 weeks of self harm and I now use other healthier coping/stress relieving methods!!! :)

[Gamma Male]

I'm thinking about doing it for the first time. Depressed mom, autistic brother(not functioning), crappy house, no friends, nowhere to go(live in a suburb south of DFW, nearest town is a few miles away), and an dad who's never home. I can't wait till I turn 18.

[AlexOnToast]

The first time I did it was for a stupid reason and I regretted it almost immediately

[ImagineRepublicCity]

I still remember. It was a Thursday morning and I felt worthless and second grade because the guy I liked was going to go on a date with my bestie. AT the time I felt so betrayed and stupid for who I was. Now, things have just changed and the problems went with it.

[DarkHorse4eva]

i think my first time was november 18th, which is 3 months ago tomorrow :/

[Damien2014]

When was the first time you cut yourself? What did it feel like the first time you cut yourself? What was going through your head at the time? If you look at the thing that was going through your head at the time you can try and figure out why you cut in the first place.


A long time ago, good but painful, Gay and legal and school issues and family, stress is what caused it although I think I fainted first time after looking at the blood but then I got used to it XD

[radsniper]

i started 3/19/14 the main reason was stress this that and the other thing and i cried myself to sleep that night

[Anonymos11]

i act normal when i am anything but, i smile when i want to scream and cry, i act like i care when i don't give a crap, i live even though i want to die
-(poem i wrote like 30 seconds ago)

My first time i purposefully hurt myself was about 2 months ago. It was horrible, but i just couldn't stop my mind from stressing and going crazy thinking about him. i felt like i was going to explode if i didn't do something, so i took a pencil and hit my arm as hard as i could. it calmed my mind. For the first time in weeks i was at peace; i wasn't thinking about him (my abusive father) or about suicide, i was calm, maybe not happy, but at least i felt in control of myself again.

I am so afraid to tell anyone; my mom is a school counselor and blows everything out of proportion. if i tell her, or if she finds out, she will send me away to some mental facility. My friends are so innocent; we're the straight A overachiever group, they have no idea about my dad, let alone the cutting. If i tell them, their not going to understand; we had a girl who openly cut last year and they (myself included at the time) all freaked. No one understands.

Can anyone think of something, anything, i can do? i want to stop before it gets worse, i need to stop. But every time i try, my mental pain and depression and thoughts of suicide get worse and worse until i give in and use self harm to get control over myself again. Please someone help.

i am
a small town girl, sophomore in high school, president and founder of a club, manager of a sport, straight A student

I have
Dyslexia, aspergers syndrome, high IQ (NOT a good thing), abusive father (and brother who copies him), over-controlling mom

i act normal when i am anything but, i smile when i want to scream and cry, i act like i care when i don't give a crap, i live even though i want to die

[ryokuthefox]

My first time was just a few days ago. Sunday, May 4th.

I had just gotten into a fight with my dad and I was sitting in my room trying not to cry, and to just let it go and feel better instead. But the words "you should cut yourself" kept repeating over and over in my head. I knew it was a terrible idea, but I gave in anyway. I started thinking about the things I had in my room that could do the job. I was desperate, so I found an old CD case and snapped the front plastic. It made this great triangle shape, with a sharp pointed tip and a wide place to hold it. I sat down on the bed and pushed the side end of the plastic (not the sharp tip) into my waist. I dragged it across my skin, and immediately all of the tension and the need to scream and cry lifted away. I did the same motion on myself a few more times and then looked at it. I was disappointed that the only thing it had done was leave an impression in my skin, but later, the cuts swelled and turned red. I couldn't stop looking at them or touching them, so I took a picture with my phone.

I've done it twice more since then, both cuts at different times yesterday and have taken a picture every time. My parents can't stand me right now. I recently had a bad breakup with a boyfriend who was nothing but a liar and a cheat, I meant nothing to him. I have no control over my life and no one who cares enough to stand by me while I suffer through the worst bout of depression I've ever experienced. I know this is wrong, that cutting can be addictive and is one of the worst ways to cope with things, but it is one of the few things I have control over. No one can stop me from cutting, and it releases all the emotions I can't handle right now. This is my destructive way of gaining control and I will do it until my parents realize how much they're hurting me. So I'll probably be doing this for a long while.

[xoraphox]

My first cut was Monday May 12th. I was thinking about cutting for a long time and I couldn't keep myself from doing it. My life is shit and all the peoples I try to talk to just stop talking to me after like a week... I'm just verry annoying and needy... So a few weeks before, I asked a friend of mine how she got her blades (She did cut and I helped her stop) and she just told me how to... She said that anyway I woudn't cut because I'm tough and all this bullshit... So I had blades but I was afraid of using them. So maybe a week later, all my friends just stop talking to me cuz I was annoying and I wasn't helping them... That was just too much because they were the only ones I talked to... So after, maybe 2 days after, theres this girl that I stoped talking to that just msg me on skype and stared saying crap on me and everything... She said that I ruined her life but she wouldn't tell me how. Right after that, an other dude said that I was a dramatic little bitch. That. Was. Enough. I grabbed my biggest blade and at 0:00 , “I made the first cut razor thin. A gentle kiss on virgin skin.” ― Madeleine Kuderick, Kiss of Broken Glass... And I msg the girl that helped me getting the blades that I was sorry. She asked why but I didn't tell her that I cut. She was and she truly is the only one left in my life. She said that she would cut if I do it, and that's why I haven't told her yet. Each night from now on, at 0:00, I cut because my life is crap and I'm too whimp to kill myself. Each night from now on, I msg her that I'm sorry, but she don't know why. That was my story.

[LifeLessWorld]

Hi im 14 and have been living a life of depression, stress, and distrust and have been bullied roughly seance the 2nd grade its been everything from name calling,cyber bulling, physical harassment all the way to even having the kids clip me while walking down the street with a golf cart. Id been thinking of suicide since the summer of 6th grade but didn't want to take the risk of living. So on the Day of may 18th 2014 i...Started..cutting.The first swipe hurt then the second and third i just closed my eyes and thought of the pain flowing out with the cuts. i think im starting to be addicted is there any won who can give advice on how not to cut again. HELP

[gothy]

2 years ago on may 16th

[justarandomteen]

Great advice, really helping others

[justarandomteen]

Lifelessworld, dont focus on the negative. Realize that people do love you. Do what Jono did, just sort things out. Remember, life will get better. Take up a hobby, distract yourself from the cutting. Anything. Even see a therapist, guidance counselor, trusted teacher, or parent. Hope is not lost, just remember that.

[justarandomteen]

i act normal when i am anything but, i smile when i want to scream and cry, i act like i care when i don't give a crap, i live even though i want to die
-(poem i wrote like 30 seconds ago)

My first time i purposefully hurt myself was about 2 months ago. It was horrible, but i just couldn't stop my mind from stressing and going crazy thinking about him. i felt like i was going to explode if i didn't do something, so i took a pencil and hit my arm as hard as i could. it calmed my mind. For the first time in weeks i was at peace; i wasn't thinking about him (my abusive father) or about suicide, i was calm, maybe not happy, but at least i felt in control of myself again.

I am so afraid to tell anyone; my mom is a school counselor and blows everything out of proportion. if i tell her, or if she finds out, she will send me away to some mental facility. My friends are so innocent; we're the straight A overachiever group, they have no idea about my dad, let alone the cutting. If i tell them, their not going to understand; we had a girl who openly cut last year and they (myself included at the time) all freaked. No one understands.

Can anyone think of something, anything, i can do? i want to stop before it gets worse, i need to stop. But every time i try, my mental pain and depression and thoughts of suicide get worse and worse until i give in and use self harm to get control over myself again. Please someone help.

i am
a small town girl, sophomore in high school, president and founder of a club, manager of a sport, straight A student

I have
Dyslexia, aspergers syndrome, high IQ (NOT a good thing), abusive father (and brother who copies him), over-controlling mom

i act normal when i am anything but, i smile when i want to scream and cry, i act like i care when i don't give a crap, i live even though i want to die

It's good you are coming out like this. Talk to your mother. She may be helpful. A mental facility probably wont happen, unless you are suicidal. You are smart, and have friends, which is a lot. Your other weaknesses, like dyslexia, are simply hurdles in the race that is life. Go on YouTube, and see how people deal with it. And Aspergers may be bad at first glance, but isn't totally bad. Join another forum, and get support there. High IQ is great, and being an overachiever is fine. Be proud of that. As for your father, talk to him about it, or if that is to scary, your mother. Remember that people do care, and hope is not lost. If your father is so bad, maybe get authorities to help. It may be scary, but can be helpful. Just remember, when you move out or go to college, everything will change. Just stop cutting, it may feel "good", but it is a dangerous thing to do. NEVER give up, and ALWAYS focus on the positive.

[gothy]

first time i cut was when i was 16 or 15. i dont remember. i think 16. My girlfriend was really emotionally abusive and manipulated me. i take blame for being so naive and easy to control. But nevertheless, i was a very shy person and i was afraid to stick up for myself. she was rude to my brother and she would keep me up on the phone after 2am threatening suicide if i hung up. I believed her and i thought "if she kills herself it is my fault because i hung up and fell asleep at 3am." anyways, one day she told me she cut herself, i didnt see it, but i believed her (again im gullible). I felt "well i must not have been good enough, this is why she cut." "its my fault." so then i cut my wrists about 50 times. i realised what i had done when i woke up the next day. Turns out she didnt cut herself. well she may have, but it was on her leg so it could be from shaving. I continued to cut from then on.

[gothy]

to this day i still have a self harm problem due to other reasons and i hate the way i look and i have lots of other stuff too. Sometimes when im angry or depressed. Its become somewhat of a habit reaction i guess.

[TooYoungToDie]

I cut for the very first time when I was like 13. That was because I didn't have any friends at all. Nobody even noticed me. I started being foolish in class for attention and everybody laughed at me but nobody knew the pain and lonelyness I felt. My grades in school got worse and worse too. I stopped cutting when I was 15 after therapy. Yesterday, two years later I've started cutting again. Everything is fucked up. My best friend has bulimia and is in a clinic right now. My dad left my mom. My sister is turning into a real bitch. My girlfriend is about to split up with me. I just took my razor blades and cut my whole arm. I hate myself right now.
Sorry, for the bad English.

[Cognizant]

It was the night my mom finally packed her bags and left. To add to my distress, she took my 2 sisters with her........... The very next day we thought one of my sisters close friends committed suicide. I couldn't believe it. My dad just kept crying and crying all day. He was sobbing at night. I didn't know what to do. Every buyable option I had involved emotional pain I didn't want to deal with. I bounced between my home and the motel my mom was staying at. Each place was a living hell for me. So finally at 2AM in my moms hotel room i just lost it and started scratching *deep* into my arms. It made pretty nasty welts. Then I walked back home at lil 2:45 AM and drank like 4 cups of sleepy time tea and just tried my hardest to go to sleep.

that was the only time I self harmed myself. I hope to never do it again.

[carolinae]

The first time I made a cut I was 12 - three years ago. I felt.. relieved. I used to poke myself really hard with a pencil, and one day it broke the skin and I bled.. It felt so much better to bleed; I used a razor ever since. I started 'poking' me after my uncle died of cancer. I couldn't deal with the pain, so I kind of made me feel physical pain to distract my mind in a way. After that, lots of things have happened. Peer pressure, drugs, break-ups, pressure at home, school.. I am addicted and I can't seem to stop.

[Tom the tumblrer]

The first time i cut was a little over a year ago. I barely remember a detail. Now, when i try to put the peices together, I remember myself cying. The next thing i know, dragging sewing needles across my arm. I remember the blood dripping. The relief i felt, I would've done anything to have felt that feeling.

[Deiform]

It was a sunday night. The friday before, I was made fun of at school. everyone at school hated me. i was in my room, crying after my mom told me to shut up while I was talking to my dad at dinner. i grabbed a pocket knife, and slid the blade slowly down my arm. The blood trickled out, the pain went away. I felt like I was finally free of the shackles of depression. My dad then walked in, saw the knife, and took it away. That was almost 9 months ago now. Less than a week later, I was in an outpatient day program for about 3 weeks. That friday that I was bullied was the last friday I attended that school. My mom continues to be mean to me, and it causes me to self harm. I did not self harm once the entire time my mom was in colorado, about 2 1/2 weeks. That is the longest I have gone.

[mariahneal12]

It was night time. I had so much stress from school and home as my mom is an alcoholic and the way she acted just made me feel worthless...I was looking on a picture app and a depressing photo of a peencil sharpener with the blade taken out was showing with the words "remember when these were just for pencils" I had just gotten my pencil sharpener so I untightened the screw and went into the bathroom and cut down the side of my wrist. Everyone at school asked if I cut myself I just told them I fell taking my dog out everyone belived it and no more questions were asked.

[Why Live]

I started when I was when I was nine. I was sexually assaulted and I hated myself and accidently cut myself on a piece of glass, I found it released all the stress and all the hatred and I just kept doing it. now I'm 14 and I still cut, the most I've gone without cutting was a week.

[PulseOfTheLydja]

I've been selfharming for months and I dont know how to stop :/

[beverley]

people should believe in them self no one should do that wrong thing in there life..

[The Faulted]

I only ever cut four times, and the fourth time was the worst. It was a coping mechanism, but it didn't work for me, and only gave me more stress. I found other ways to cope. Cutting really scared me.

[gothy]

Hi im 14 and have been living a life of depression, stress, and distrust and have been bullied roughly seance the 2nd grade its been everything from name calling,cyber bulling, physical harassment all the way to even having the kids clip me while walking down the street with a golf cart. Id been thinking of suicide since the summer of 6th grade but didn't want to take the risk of living. So on the Day of may 18th 2014 i...Started..cutting.The first swipe hurt then the second and third i just closed my eyes and thought of the pain flowing out with the cuts. i think im starting to be addicted is there any won who can give advice on how not to cut again. HELP

Were here to help you.

On a side note, my birthday seems to be a dark day for a lot of people.

Pm me if you need someone to talk to:)

[budapest]

When was the first time you cut yourself? probably about 2-3 years ago now i think
What did it feel like the first time you cut yourself? weird i guess i don't think it hurt though
What was going through your head at the time? idk

it was because of a friend she was self harming and i felt like it was my fault sooo yh she blamed me and stuff and i just felt like i deserved it more than she did

[Broken Toy]

first time. maybe january time so like 7 months ago.

storytime:
i had gotten a crush on my bestfriend but the feelings escalated really quickly since i had known her for 2 years before that. i realized in the month in-between me telling her and the first time i cut that i had a thing about holding knives and sharp objects (even the corners of cardboard if they were sharp) and just rubbing my fingers on them and rubbing them along my arm. one day i was sitting in the kitchen on my phone when i got a message she had been punched by her abusive boyfriend and i was on the way to go out (not with her since her boyfriend wouldn't let her) and i walked past a knife on the bench and i just couldn't walk past it. i stopped and started going crazy. when i was out my friends had saw it and asked me if it was self harm and i said i had fell and hurt my arm on a wall but they didnt believe me so i stormed off. i haven't stopped cutting since.

[char12345mocha]

what if i just want to fucking cut myself????

[Prejudiceisignorance]

I've been cutting for a while. At first it was on my leg so that people wouldn't notice but then it got kind of hard to walk, so I ended up doing it on my arm. My first time was after I talked to my friend about being gay and then they basically disowned me, so I started questioning wether I was worth anything. I know now that there's nothing wrong with being gay...it's just that I cut for a coping mechanism now :(

[SmokyChica]

The first time I cut myself I had a boyfriend and a friend who apparently was "in love" with him when she actually was just playing both of us. It was a little over a year and three months ago, and she was basically telling me I should just kill myself already, and my boyfriend told me he wanted to go talk to her because she was just "in a really bad place." I remember feeling so alone and unwanted that I actually considered killing myself. I cut myself that day, and I've had problems with self harm ever since. There are times I look back and think it was stupid to do it, yet I still get urges to hurt myself every once in a while.

[Leyna]

Hi my name is Leyna, I'm 12 and my first time cutting was today. It felt okay, it didn't hurt as much as I thought, but I did panic I little when I saw the blood. I did when everyone was asleep. I wasn't even planning it. It just happened.

[synthetic ghost]

At first, I didn't resort straight to cutting. I was 11 years old and getting bullied for being overweight. I stopped eating proper meals and was surviving on fizzy drinks, chewing gum and sour lolly pops. I lost a tonne of weight and was essentially skin and bone. I never used to wear any form of jacket in the winter, even when it had been snowing. This resulted in me avoiding hypothermia by an inch. My mum took me to the doctor and they said that I was "deliberately hurting myself for attention." I didn't even know that letting yourself practically freeze to death and not eating properly was considered SH. What the doctor said got to me; really got to me. I started doubting everything I was doing and saying and I began to hate myself even more. Eventually, it all got too much and I cut.

I'm not in this never ending cycle of as many as 3 weeks clean to 3 months of SHing at least once a day. I see a psychiatrist, a psychologist and a therapist for reasons regarding my mental health but I fear that if I tell them, they'll take away my SHing. And, too me, SHing has become a part of who I am. If they take that away, they'll be taking away a part of my being and I don't think I'm ready for that.

R

[synthetic ghost]

Hi my name is Leyna, I'm 12 and my first time cutting was today. It felt okay, it didn't hurt as much as I thought, but I did panic I little when I saw the blood. I did when everyone was asleep. I wasn't even planning it. It just happened.

Hey, Leyna. If you'd like to talk about anything, I'll gladly listen :hug:

R

[Leyna]

I've got four cuts on my left wrist now, and I guy at school saw them. He didn't say anything but he kept looking at my wrists all day. I'm afraid he'll tell someone and they'll take away my only feeling of control.

[mythoughtsneverstop]

My first time was 6 years ago, when I was 10. I didn't really know what was going on due to 3 family members dying in a car accident, my cousin who died at birth and my parents constantly arguing all over 1 week. I remember feeling hurt and alone. I didn't know what was going on and my parents have been divorced since I was 4 so couldn't understand why they were arguing. I was angry at the world and myself. When I got a razor blade I found in the bathroom, and pressed it to my skin, not yet digging in, but I could feel the sharpness, I remember repeating in my head, 'your alone just do it, it will help, I promise' so I did it, as I closed my eyes and cried quietly I made 10 slits for my age and haven't stopped since. I remember reading something about self harm and how it helps relieve stress so I tried it and have been addicted for 6 years now, I've come to terms with my self harm but don't talk about it and only a few people know, none of which is family, I have major trust issues have anger issues and I feel self harm gets easier every time I do it but it makes it that much harder to stop. I thought I would share my story to help myself and others of my situation and what self harm. Thank you if you read this. Any questions and comments will be read and answered.

[Karkat]

I don't remember the first time I cut myself, but the first time I burned myself, I just wanted to make myself ugly. I wanted to hurt myself so badly. I just wanted the flames to eat me alive.

[allisonmyers]

I was 10 was so mad at the world and I did it and the pain sort of numbed the madness

[purple dinosaur]

The first time i cut was last year actually, they started small at first only at the top of my wrist so they were easily hidden by bracelets; but then they gradually worsened spreading up my arm. My whole left arm is now covered in scars which aren't very noticeable, but to me i see them everytime i look at my arm. The first tattoo i got was a semi colon, i mostly got in on my wrist to cover up my scars but to also give me a reminder of why im still here. I'm getting another tattoo soon to begin the long journey of covering all of my scars and to also give me closure, because honestly not being able to see them will be a final reminder that i've hopefully kicked it.

[wonderland]

i think i was 11, i got a pair of scissors, went into my room and kind of sawed away at my leg. I can't remember exactly what caused me to do it that day, i imagine it was due to feeling different and unwanted though.

Fuck, it's weird to think this has been going on for 4 years now..

[romes3]

The first time I cut myself was in 6th grade. I wanted to get rid of the pain, and I was sick of crying. It felt really good, and I liked the pain. I used to get bullied a ton, and that led to it. I'm actually friends with my ex bully now. Now when I cut, its mostly because of my parents and pressure to do everything right.

[amgb]

The first time I cut was when I was in year 8, I was feeling really overwhelmed, and then I thought, if I hurt myself I will feel better. So I did and I felt better, and basically I've been on and off since then.

[lumiadots]

i was pretty young the first time i cut myself...younger than i'd care to admit. i was also drunk and in so much inner turmoil and pain that i didn't know how to handle it. funny thing is, the majority of the times i cut after that, it was usually always when i had been drinking. i got help for both problems and i've been free of drinking and cutting for a while now, but i just find that funny to think about.

[Hldavis18]

Yesterday was my first time... YOu genrallly think of a cut as somehting that hurts... stings, burn or something... But this cut felt like nothing i had ever experienced... it felt liberating.. it felt like all the pain that i had seeped out with the blood.. it felt like that she was finally at rest.... like the pain that i cause her... was gone.. like.. i didnt have to burden over it...... It was only three small slashes... but it was so so worth... it......

[Meh Guy]

My first time was in 2009-2010 not sure because all I remember was it was grade 8. I did it by accident through my friend. He took the razors out of sharpeners for fun (later I found out it was because like half my class cut.) so I put the razor in my pocket and continued on. Later I found I had accidentally cut my arm with it, didn't hurt or anything. At the time I had been really depressed and never heard of the notion of cutting. So there I had it, a pain free way to let myself release anger and sadness. Later it became painful as I cut for pain, not for looks.

[orchadork]

I first cut when I was 10, I was failing classes, I had no friends. I mean it no one liked me. I was doing homework and I looked to the side and I saw my knife I had a knife there for protection against an intruder since there was no gun in my room. I picked it up and I flicked it open and cut a small slit on my wrist near the pressure point. I didn't like the feeling it hurt, and I had thin skin. I put the knife away and hid it. Then last year around October, my grades were falling (again), and this hasn't happened since I was 10 I pulled the knife out again and cut a slit in my arm near the same spot. It felt better this time.

[amybah]

Im a self harmer too
Its really hard to get over it
I need help :c

[zebracheerflute]

i first started cutting this year my 8th grade year. ive been going through alot and i use a safety pin. mine do hurt but i dont care i feel like i deserve it

[amybah]

i first started cutting this year my 8th grade year. ive been going through alot and i ise a safety pin. mine do hurt but i dont care i feel like i deserve it

No one deserves it

[Violetimez]

We'll I was 12 and my mom found out and started checking me every day for about 6 months now I'm 15 a and my f****d up life is catching up with me all I can say is she never should have stopped checking me oh we'll.😶

[runner 19]

It helps not to cut at all :)

Punch a pillow instead?I used to cut alot but I been pretty good recently by "staying strong" but i recently relapsed and I regret it. It can't take the pain away. I just really want to be happy. I lost my best friend recently and it's been really hard. I have this amazing friend that has been there for me and helping me feel better. I really appreciate it. No one is that nice to me

[City Kid]

My first time cutting was only about two months ago. On the 28th of February 2015, to be exact.
Everything just came crashing down on me. I couldn't bear it anymore and was really, really suicidal. But instead of killing myself, I ended up cutting my wrists until they were covered in blood. Ironically, in a way the cutting saved my life.

[WanderingHeart]

I started cutting sometime this year. Probably a few months ago or something.

[Hell Driver]

Something terrible happened to me, i just couldn't believe it, so I started cutting, that was the only way to get rid of my anger, but after few months, I just reliazed that it was stupid, so I stopped Nothing but a scar was there... I do not recommend it to anyone, but it's the only way to get rid of anger...

[ValentinClarke]

First time, was a couple weeks ago,I self harmed was with a compass, and scraped it so many times, and it bled. Last night, I took the razor from a sharpener, and cut myself about 12 times. I felt so bad after. But my head is clearer now. I just don't know. I'm scared of infection, but I know how to deal with it.

[kerneltorture]

I think it was four, five months ago, something like that. I was feeling like crap, which wasn't really anything new but all of a sudden I just wanted it to stop, so I took the blade out of a razor and made these tiny cuts on my arm. It hurt like hell, but it was the first time in forever that I had felt anything besides sadness, so I kept doing it.

The longest it's been now without SH'ing is a couple of weeks. I'm trying to stop, but it almost seems pointless to try and resist. If I stop self harming, life doesn't stop being shitty...

[TessaBear]

I was battling cancer at the time. I don't really count it as my first time cutting because I didn't do it again for several months. I was just having a horrible day in general. I was listening to airplanes by BoB. I saw my red pencil sharpener on my nightstand. I unscrewed it and made a small cut on my hand. I was texting my friend. I never thought I would move on to much more dangerous self harm habits.

[Professional Russian]

Wow really just noticed this thread. Anyways I started cutting at the end of 8th and all through my freshman yeah. I had severe depression and couldn't handle it at all. I really can't really how exactly I started but it was an every night thing for a year probably. It was a horrible time for me. I quit for about 2 years and just relapsed a few months ago but have been clean for 3 weeks now hoping it last even longer..

[Dune]

I cut myself once about two years ago, and realized how stupid and unproductive it was. Never done it since.

[Why_me]

2 weeks ago using a pair of scissors I cut myself 4 times on the wrist since then I've let those heal and am doing it in less conspicuous places

[StuckInTheLie]

I cut for first time about ten days ago. I used my pen knife I use for arts and crafts. I did it above my knee and twice on my forearm. I don't really know why I started, I just decided to try it. It hurts, but I sort of don't mind. If somebody asked why I cut, I would say I don't know, because it feels like that. It's become a routine to get my makeup bag and go into the bathroom. I wash my razor before and after every use, and I wash my cuts frequently as well. I have almost 200 and none of them seem to be infected or in unusual pain. They're mostly on my upper thighs with about five on my forearms and some on my stomach and ribs. I'm running out of room, so I've start slashing across the rows of cuts I made previously. I've been wondering lately if I have depression - I know I have really low self-esteem, so whenever I consider the possibility of depression, the voice in my head tells me that I'm just pathetic and an attention-whore and that I have no excuse. :( Most of the cuts aren't deep, they just bead up with blood a bit. I get frustrated sometimes when they don't bleed and "redo" the cut. I'm so scared to tell my Mum because I don't want her to feel guilty or angry. I feel like I would only hurt everybody in my family if I told them. I've read posts and stuff on stopping self-harm tendencies, but I honestly don't want to. It doesn't feel like an addiction. Then again, I hardly know what an addiction feels like. Only my two other friends know that I cut, and one of them just stopped. I feel bad talking to them about it, so this is basically the first time I've really written my feelings down about the whole mess. Sorry for the long-arse text. :(

[BiUnicorn]

My first time cutting was when my boyfriend said he was no longer in love with me. I remember being in the shower crying on the floor of the shower and I just remember wanting my emotional pain away. So I turned to physical pain. I took apart my eye liner penceil sharpener and took out the razor and cut up my hips (so no one would see it). I cut until I didn't have any room left to cut. Then I cried some more and gave up. Im not okay yet but I will be eventually I guess

[haohaohao123]

thanks!!!

[Unknwn]

I've self harmed since I was like 8 years old, but back then I didn't know I was harming myself and it wasn't by cutting. It might sound weird but I used to bite myself, and I don't really remember why I started doing it. I don't know if it was because I liked it or because it calmed me or idk, but it started to become kind of a compulsion where I would have to actually fight with myself to stop biting myself. I finally started to stop when I was around 14 mostly because I was tired of having to wear longsleeves and sweaters to cover up the scars I had caused myself.
It wasn't until a couple of months ago after my 19th birthday that I went back to self harming and this time by cutting. I don't know what it was, but one night I just felt so empty, so anxious. I kept thinking to myself that I was a loser, I was a waste of life, I wanted to disappear... to be gone... to die. I had this dark feeling in me, I was in emotional pain and I wanted to find some way to release that pain. So I grabbed the sharpest thing I could find in my room, my house keys, and I started scratching myself with them. I didn't cause myself too much harm, but it did help me calm down enough to try and get some sleep.
The following morning though, I still didn't feel completely fine. My parents had gone to work, my little brother was still asleep, and I so I was the only one awake in the house. That's when I decided to try cutting. I found a blade and basically just made little scratches on myself. As time passed and up until now, I have kept cutting and have even cut enough for blood to come out. I know it's bad, I know I shouldn't do it, I don't like doing it, and I try stopping myself, but recently there have just been days when I just need to release, but I still try to stay hopeful that whatever is going on will eventually get better.
I'm sorry if this was a bit graphic, but I think writing this out was helpful to me.

[Knopp]

First time?

I cut myself with a razor blade, 14 times in 5th grade.

[JavierDolan]

I lost someone. My best friend actually. I had the idea in my head because I'd heard someone mention it before, so I just did it. Before I did I told myself that I was only going to do it just once, but after I did it, I realized it was impossible to worry about anything else when there was blood coming from you, and I did again. and again. and again. 4 deep cuts along my ankle, so deep that the scars are still there.

[angelina]

first stop bleeding and sterilize with detol solution..
then apply little tincture-benzene with a cotton piece
do not close the wound

[JusticeandMercy]

First time I self-injured was in eighth grade, when I was stressed out about some school project. I think my dad or mom was yelling at me for it or something; I remember it was really late and I'd never felt quite that awful in my life, I don't think. I needed some fabric for the project but I also found a pair of scissors in the drawer. I grabbed it and scratched a small line in my wrist before I snapped out of it and threw them back in the drawer. I told myself I wouldn't do it again, but I didn't exactly keep that promise.

The first time I actually broke skin and drew blood was in tenth grade, and I was sitting in my room, feeling a particular sense of emptiness, and maybe hopelessness. So I took the blade out of my pencil sharpener and just. Took it to my thigh. I think I only made two or three cuts, and none of them scarred.

Lately I've also been trying to stop again, mostly just because I told someone on Whisper I would.

[Anonymous2002]

My first time cutting was when my boyfriend said he was no longer in love with me. I remember being in the shower crying on the floor of the shower and I just remember wanting my emotional pain away. So I turned to physical pain. I took apart my eye liner penceil sharpener and took out the razor and cut up my hips (so no one would see it). I cut until I didn't have any room left to cut. Then I cried some more and gave up. Im not okay yet but I will be eventually I guess
I had the same thing happen only with my girlfriend, i took apart a pencil sharpner and went in the shower, i just sat down cutting my arms stomach and legs but are all hidden by cloths, i still cut today because every night i feel so lonely and so useless so i cut my legs or arms so i can sleep, im sorry to here about what happened but you will find someone better. It is his loss

[FlyOnTheWall]

first time was a few weeks ago on my wrist ( healed) I guess it was because of stress now its just every so often on my thighs

[thatgothgirluknow]

first time was a few weeks ago on my wrist ( healed) I guess it was because of stress now its just every so often on my thighs
i really suggest that you stop before it gets out of hand allot of people told me that but i didn't listen and i often wish i had now

[FlyOnTheWall]

i really suggest that you stop before it gets out of hand allot of people told me that but i didn't listen and i often wish i had now

I am recoverying from an ed so it was like an alternate way of coping

[thatgothgirluknow]

I am recoverying from an ed so it was like an alternate way of coping
ah i see i have gone back and forth between cutting and my ed for a long time as well i honestly thought i was the only one on this site with and ed since the thread for it has been empty for so long we should chat maybe help each other?

[FlyOnTheWall]

ah i see i have gone back and forth between cutting and my ed for a long time as well i honestly thought i was the only one on this site with and ed since the thread for it has been empty for so long we should chat maybe help each other?

I didnt really want to go on there as I find it kind of triggering in recovery

[thatgothgirluknow]

I didnt really want to go on there as I find it kind of triggering in recovery
oh i see how that could be triggerin well any way good luck with recovery

[Pyromaniac27]

My first time cutting was when my boyfriend said he was no longer in love with me. I remember being in the shower crying on the floor of the shower and I just remember wanting my emotional pain away. So I turned to physical pain. I took apart my eye liner penceil sharpener and took out the razor and cut up my hips (so no one would see it). I cut until I didn't have any room left to cut. Then I cried some more and gave up. Im not okay yet but I will be eventually I guess

Same thing happened to me, except it was my girlfriend, who was using me to get back at someone. Also I used a pocket knife.

My story is basically, my first girlfriend dumped me. She was using me to get back at someone else. When I turned to a friend for help, he told the only other person who I remotely liked that I liked her. Making me look like a moron. Then he laughed at me as my life fell apart.

Double posts merged. ~Lost Horizon

[SSsushiRolls]

I first cut when I was 12. I didn't really know what I was doing at first, I was trimming my hair and decided to cut my arm with the scissors. I wasn't even feeling sad just numb. It stopped for a year but from then on I began cutting whenever I felt stressed or down.

[CollectorsItem]

Ok being honest here.. I am an ex-cutter and i still have some purple scars and white scars.. I recommend that you try hard t stop because its been a long time since but even still i have a very big urge to cut because it make me feel amazing it doesnt help me cope at all but it cuz looks good and feels good. I love my scars and that isnt normal in my eyes and i bet you r an amazing person and i dont want you to be like me. Good luck tho on no matter what you decide..

[yeehaw]

First time cutting was June of last year when I hit a major low. I had harmed via other methods until that point.

[Flapjack]

My first time was ages ago, can't remember exactly when but it was more than 6 years ago as I remember my parents were still together then.

[missfortune]

well spoken!

[naenaendr]

The first time I cut was a few weeks ago. It realized that it was so fun and possibly addicting that I never did it again. I get urges all the time but I try to fight them off by distracting myself.

[hjhj]

Deleted for private reasons

[Ship2001]

I don't know anyone on this thread, but all of you with life issues are a son, daughter, brother, sister or friend of many who care deeply about you. Make a call to an anonymous helpline - learn the skills to talk it out - allow yourself to be loved.

[hayley2003]

WOW! i have never heard of people doing this before. i don't how a person could do it. just thinking about it makes me woozy.

[Kaeneus]

I was in grade 7. I remember it was the day of a rugby game I was gonna watch with my brother. Went on for five years until year 11.

[ImJulia]

I never cut but did other stuff.

[NoahNoah]

When was the first time you cut yourself? I had just turned 12, if I'm remembering right.
What did it feel like the first time you cut yourself? This might sound really stupid but it hurt. It really fucking hurt. It hurt enough that I didn't have to think about all the things that made me want to self harm in the first place. It was like the perfect distraction. For a few minutes I wasn't thinking about the problems in my life, I was just focused on the pain.
What was going through your head at the time? "Ok, here we go, here we go. What if this doesn't work? What if I do this and nothing happens? What if nothing changes. Ok I'm just gonna do it.... Oh wow, oh fuck that hurts, oh my god that hurts so bad holy shit... Wow, that actually worked, i should do this again." and so began an addiction
that would take 2 year to curb.

I was just really thinking about all the problems I faced in my life, and how overwhelming and gigantic they felt.

[SmartNerdGirl]

The first time I ever actually self harmed was probably in 6th grade. I was anxious about everything, my friends treated me horribly, and I had a bad day. I had heard of self-harm through the internet, that it was supposed to be bad, but it made you feel okay! So I grabbed a pencil and scratched myself a few times with it. It didn't make me feel like anything, and I forgot about it.

The first time I started and continued was probably in July of last year. I was feeling okay, I hadn't talked to my abusive friends in months, and I met someone I really liked (alterously, not romantically) who made me feel like I was actually cared about. He had his own demons, having tried to kill himself and he used to cut. On that day I had first noticed his scars, and when I asked, he had blown me off, and I realized what they were. Also, he was bisexual and HATED talking about it. It made sense, especially since he was bullied for his sexuality when he was younger, and was paranoid his mom was someone going to see the security footage and forbid him from going back. Anyway, I was in a HUGE pride phase, considering I'd started questioning if I was bisexual myself, and I'm still in the pride phase! (Not as intensely though.) I was making a pride flag out of beads and he came over and saw it. He was annoyed and muttered I was "naive" under his breath. I definitely over reacted, but I was just so on edge from constant social abuse that my nerves just exploded. I went into shock (Not medical shock, I was physically fine) and spent the next few hours laying around berating myself and thinking bad things about myself. Then I got up, found a few things, and scratched myself until it scabbed. It took a week to heal, and I was paranoid someone was going to know, but nobody knows about it, even now.

I started self harming on and off. Over the Summer I made a few big scars with a pencil. Only 3. It wasn't a daily thing, I'd do it every few weeks. Then, during school, I found a piece of glass. I used it on and off. Most of my scars are from two times; one I did about 5, the other I scratched myself about 8 times. Then, in November, my parents finally confronted me; turns out, they knew for months, but didn't know how to say anything. They made me give them my piece of glass, and I self-harmed one last time with another, but I pitched it 2 months ago.

Thing is, I didn't find it too hard to stop. I think only once I actually felt good, the other times just made me feel worse. I was in a state where I was absolutely exhausted, so I didn't do it most of the times I wanted to. I found it relieving to quit. Now? I have been about 5 months self-harm free, and it's been better since I quit.

[sprinkleofeverything]

I do it instead of compulsing (I have OCD) and when I'm angry. It makes me feel numb and that makes me feel better. Feeling numb is better than feeling OCD. I don't actually 'cut' I just scratch sharp object and draw on myself in pen, or pick at my skin until it leaves a mark. My first time (that sounds so stupid, likes it's a good thing) was the other day and I'm 15. I told my therapist a week later (yesterday) because of guilt from OCD. He forced me to tell my mum and turns out she'd already known and had thrown my glass away.

I don't know anyone on this thread, but all of you with life issues are a son, daughter, brother, sister or friend of many who care deeply about you. Make a call to an anonymous helpline - learn the skills to talk it out - allow yourself to be loved.

Cutting isn't about wanting to kill yourself. It's the opposite.

[Carl1234]

Hi all well it’s not about me but a met a girl who had a eating disorder and self harmed. I met her on a chat site and got to know her but didn’t really know how to deal with it, I used to send her money every week by Western union because she said it would ease her worries then all of a sudden she disappeared and I miss her. I wish I could of helped her more as well as others.

[Some Kid]

I’ve never cut, and I’m pretty sure I never will. If there’s anyone out there who does, why did you do it? Why’d you keep doing it? Is it addicting, like masturbating, but in a lot worse of a way? I just don’t understand why, but I’m trying to because I know people who do cut.

[Ouragan]

I have never tried cutting, because it scares me, I usually scratch, pinch, bite, I like to rub an eraser on my forearm, I tried yesterday for the first time to apply a hot object on my skin, I tried just 10 minutes ago to use a stapler in my foot, outch ! But it felt good though

Edit : I finally did it today, It's wierd because it was not even spontaneous, I wanted to do it, I went to go to my dollar store to buy pencil sharpeners. I didn't go deep at all though, it was like scratching myself with a blade. It bbled a little but it was okay, it looked like I fell down on cement...

[NamelessHuman]

I’ve never cut, and I’m pretty sure I never will. If there’s anyone out there who does, why did you do it? Why’d you keep doing it? Is it addicting, like masturbating, but in a lot worse of a way? I just don’t understand why, but I’m trying to because I know people who do cut.

Basically really addicting.

[Ben99]

Basically really addicting.

How is it addicting?? Doesen’t it hurt! Who would want to do that to themselves?

[Ouragan]

Deleted

[yeehaw]

How is it addicting?? Doesen’t it hurt! Who would want to do that to themselves?

On paper, yes, it should really hurt. But a lot of people report little to no pain. This is because a lot of people will enter a dissociative state where we just zone out. Also, it releases endorphins which block a lot of the pain. Because of the endorphins, it makes people want to do it more and it becomes addictive

[Ben99]

On paper, yes, it should really hurt. But a lot of people report little to no pain. This is because a lot of people will enter a dissociative state where we just zone out. Also, it releases endorphins which block a lot of the pain. Because of the endorphins, it makes people want to do it more and it becomes addictive

Oh, ok. Makes more sense now. Thanks for letting me know. I don’t think that someone should ever be in a position where they have to do this to themselves but unfortunately there are some people who just feel they have to. I feel bad for those people.

[InternetTeen]

I've never cut myself purposefully. If i'm angry or upset i just punch something.

[stefanyrye]

First time... I felt relieved. At that time I did not understand that it would become a habit and thought that what I was doing was normal.
I've been doing self-harm for about two years now and can't stop. I've had a lot of breaks for a couple of months, but I still keep making cuts on my body, putting out cigarettes on my hand, and stabbing it with a needle. I'm really tired of this. Your post helped me a bit, I will try to reconsider the reasons why I do it and give up this habit. :-(

[Gay Paul]

Not do it it's stupid

[delete this]

Cutting is absolutely terrible. So remember that I'm not saying it's good or makes sense. But some people seem confused about why people do it, so I figured I'd tell you the reasoning that went on in my brain at the time when I would do it:

1. When I did it, I would calm down when I lost blood. This was actually because I was losing blood, but in my delusional state I reasoned that the pain was a sensation that helped with the anger and felt refreshing and the flowing of my blood out of my wound represented the release of anger and all the other bad feelings I had previously held inside.

2. I was not thinking clearly and thought it was "cool" and it would make me seem "bad ass" because I was able to knowingly hurt myself bad enough to leave scars that would be there for the rest of my life and not flinch or "pu*** out" (AKA think about it).

3. I though that if I did it people would have to pay attention to me, which was something I really wanted.

4. I felt that even if something went wrong and I accidentally killed myself it wouldn't really matter because that's what I originally wanted to do before I found out I didn't have the "courage" too.

There were other factors as well but I'm typing this all on my phone and I don't want to write much about this sensitive of a topic when im not at my computer and I can't adequately explain myself and explain my reasoning while at the same time emphasizing that in hindsight it was a terrible thing too do and no one should repeat my mistake.

[nocturn dreamer]

Was quite strange actually.

At first, because of anxiety I guess, I was just used to stick my nails in my arm, so strongly it would leave marks. One day, I started using my teeth, when I had panics attak. I bit myself so hard, those were the firts marks that stayed several days. The next step for my, was in the bathroom, I found a tweezer and planted it in my arm. Well, after I passed from the tweezer to the thumbtack, from the thumbtack to the compass, from the compass to the scissors, and from the scissors to the blade. It was so Strange. I didn't realized what I was doing untill I bled the first time. And didn't see it as something serious or even important before. But when I realized, it was too late. I am now obsessed with the feeling of the marks on my arm. I'm feeling wrong when it's too smooth. I need to pass my fingers on my arm and feel scars. Or I feel bad. I'm addicted to the pain. It's the only thing that calms my panicks attacks and my anxiety. When I'm dead crying, and can't sleep, I need my blade. I never sleep better than when I feel the pain on my arm. I never thought I would end like this really, it's quite funny. When I was 13, I had a friend that self-harmed. Oh man, I was dead worried, I thought of scorifications as Something so so terrible. So funny I ended up like this. Life's pretty ironic sometimes.

[Anna05]

I have only done it one time right after my dog died of cancer. I honestly don't know what I was trying to accomplish but now I have a few scars on me and I regret it

[HighVamp913]

what if i just want to fucking cut myself????

What makes you feel like cutting?

[Yijing Huang]

Nuuuu don't cut yourself!

[henrywang2531]

Nice job