Feeling ashamed..

[BlueRaspberry943]

I'm a 16 year old girl. When I think to myself in my mind "I'm a lesbian." it's nothing, but I can't say it out loud. I've known that I'm a lesbian since I was pretty young. The only people that know by my choice, are people extremely close to me, it took me four years to tell my brothers(and we're triplets) and five to tell a childhood friend. My mom found out because she found a letter written to me by a girl I was secretly dating, and she told the rest of the family. Everyone that knows accepts me, but I'm ashamed that they know. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about it, even though if I'm sure I did, they wouldn't judge me. Even yesterday, I was hanging out with my brothers and childhood friend, that I chose to tell...my friend made a little joke about it, not a mean one, I knew she was joking, but I was so embarrassed that I just wanted to curl up and die. I went to the bathroom and hid for about 10 minutes. No one knows I feel this way, none of them thought anything of the joke, they just heard it, laughed moved on, they don't care that I'm a lesbian..why do I? Has anyone else gone through this? Advice?

[Mob Boss]

It seems as though everyone that you want to accept you the most has with the exception of one person; yourself. You are, presumably, currently unaccepting of your internal identity, which will only hinder the coming out process. You may not wake up accepting of it tomorrow, but you will reach a point; a realization, where you can say, "Hey, this is who I am and it's okay to be". I think, for the most part, the majority of LGBT people face an inner struggle when it comes to discovering their sexuality. I know I did. I still do. I find myself occasionally looking at guys, despite not being interested, because a part of me still struggles with the fact that I'll likely never be attracted to one. Then you have to incorporate pressure from society (though we are currently living in the most accepting period for society) and the things that seem unattainable for a lesbian or gay. Accepting your sexuality is a big thing. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's innate, immutable, unchangeable and, ultimately, it's a part of who you are. It's a very minuscule part, but still one you should accept. Give it time.

[Hermes96]

People know that I'm gay but I can't actually say the words I just say I like boys

[Alex_3869]

I think you just need to know that you can not change the way that you are. Be proud of yourself and don't be afraid of who you are.

[AbyssalLight7]

I'm a 16 year old girl. When I think to myself in my mind "I'm a lesbian." it's nothing, but I can't say it out loud. I've known that I'm a lesbian since I was pretty young. The only people that know by my choice, are people extremely close to me, it took me four years to tell my brothers(and we're triplets) and five to tell a childhood friend. My mom found out because she found a letter written to me by a girl I was secretly dating, and she told the rest of the family. Everyone that knows accepts me, but I'm ashamed that they know. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about it, even though if I'm sure I did, they wouldn't judge me. Even yesterday, I was hanging out with my brothers and childhood friend, that I chose to tell...my friend made a little joke about it, not a mean one, I knew she was joking, but I was so embarrassed that I just wanted to curl up and die. I went to the bathroom and hid for about 10 minutes. No one knows I feel this way, none of them thought anything of the joke, they just heard it, laughed moved on, they don't care that I'm a lesbian..why do I? Has anyone else gone through this? Advice?

I know the feeling, I can only say try to accept yourself, but those are the words of a hypocrite, I'm having the same kind of problems :(

[Luminous]

I think for some people, including myself, it can be even harder to put a label on yourself. Maybe, instead of thinking of yourself as a lesbian, you could just think of yourself as you. YOU are a beautiful person, YOU are a special person, YOU are a unique person, YOU love who you love and that's okay. I wish I had more to say here, but since I am actually in a similar situation (though the time periods I have are years shorter than what you said in your original post) and trying to figure it out myself, I can't offer much help here.

[Tarannosaurus]

I've been in a similar situation to you, I think a lot of gay people have. Until last year, I just couldn't tell anyone that I'm a lesbian. I tried coming out to my friends 3 years ago but in the end came out as bisexual because I couldn't bring myself to say lesbian. When I finally told some close friends last year I was so embarrassed. Even now I'm not fully out (though I plan to be soon), and I can only properly talk about it with my close friends.
After suppressing it for so long it can be hard to talk about it naturally and get used to the idea that people know.
The embarrassment will pass eventually. Just remember: you have nothing to be embarrassed about :)

[From Chris]

I'm a 16 year old girl. When I think to myself in my mind "I'm a lesbian." it's nothing, but I can't say it out loud. I've known that I'm a lesbian since I was pretty young. The only people that know by my choice, are people extremely close to me, it took me four years to tell my brothers(and we're triplets) and five to tell a childhood friend. My mom found out because she found a letter written to me by a girl I was secretly dating, and she told the rest of the family. Everyone that knows accepts me, but I'm ashamed that they know. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about it, even though if I'm sure I did, they wouldn't judge me. Even yesterday, I was hanging out with my brothers and childhood friend, that I chose to tell...my friend made a little joke about it, not a mean one, I knew she was joking, but I was so embarrassed that I just wanted to curl up and die. I went to the bathroom and hid for about 10 minutes. No one knows I feel this way, none of them thought anything of the joke, they just heard it, laughed moved on, they don't care that I'm a lesbian..why do I? Has anyone else gone through this? Advice?

Hi there BlueRaspberry! I am currently in your situation. I'm gay, and have recently came out about a month ago to my family and friends and to be honest, i sort of felt ashamed of telling some people, even my family. It just felt awkward somehow, and i felt ashamed... I live in Texas where a lot of people are against homosexuals and i feel sort of constricted with who i tell... People makes jokes here and there and say stuff like, "That's gay." and it sort of upsets me and makes me feel ashamed of who i am. Even though EVERYONE i have told fully supports me i still feel this way! Very similar to your situation~ I tell others the advice to forget what others think and just be true to yourself instead and if they don't like who you are, then just find others who will. But even i can't follow that advice... I make it seem like i don't mind but inside i really do feel ashamed about myself. I hope this helps a bit! :)

-From Chris