Not Sure What's Going On

[Kaleidoscope Eyes]

I don't know if I'm on sort of a mixed downer, if this is just me being hormonal, or what, but I thought I'd come here and complain about it.

In general, I'm mellow these days. More than usual. Just... mellow, I feel like a bit of a blob. The big difference is that I'm not happy about it. Before, I knew I was just sitting around more than I probably should, but now I hate that I don't have the energy to get up and do something. I can't focus on my schoolwork, I'm finding it harder to keep up conversations, even with my boyfriend, whom normally I'd conveniently forget my plans in order to talk to. I can keep up most of the time, but more and more often, I find myself suddenly uninterested in whatever I'm talking about, suddenly happier to stare off into space. There's not even a specific thing that distracts me, I just can't keep focused.

I feel like my boyfriend and I are drifting apart. It used to be we'd never go more than a day without talking to each other, but when his computer died and he had to wait 2 weeks to get a new one, we found other things to occupy the time we usually spent talking together. And it's like now we have nothing to talk about except our mutual despair. We both miss each other so much, and it's like there's nothing we can do about it. We've got webcams, and we recently got voice to work too, but in the long run it's really not the same. And don't tell me long distance relationships aren't for me. This guy is for me, and if he has to be so far away for a bit longer then that's how it has to be. I just wish it was easier.

I have like, one real friend outside my parents and my boyfriend. She and I are being excluded and isolated from the rest of the kids we called friends. I have a few friends who are cool, but I don't know them very well yet, and I don't really call them just to talk, or just to see if they can hang out. I've only got one friend I can do that with. I guess I should feel lucky to have one good friend, but it's not like we ever hang out. She's got school stuff, sports stuff, she does stats for the wrestling team so she's busy with that too, point is she always has plans. And I feel silly asking if she's busy when I know she probably is and I don't even have a real idea of what we'd do if she wasn't busy.

School. Out of 6 classes first semester, 4 had finals. Two of them were online, take when you feel it kind of things, and two I had to take in person. Well I was sick so the in-person ones didn't happen, they're on my desk now they have to be in tomorrow. The two online ones.... I told my parents I took them but I didn't. I knew I hadn't and I wasn't trying to lie, They asked about it early in the week, I said it was taken care of, because I was going to take them at some point in the week, and they didn't ask again. Well, I got sick, and things came up, and I never took the tests nor did I ask for an extension. They're not up on the net anymore, I've missed the window. I don't know exactly how much it'll affect my grades, but it's gonna be a substantial amount for sure. And in Chemistry, I haven't been doing the labs. I don't know why, it's not like I don't want to do well, or that I don't like the class, or any of that. It just hasn't been happening. And I'm TERRIFIED of getting those grades, because my parents are going to have to find out why they're so awful, and they know I'm capable of doing well, and if they see that I'm still not they won't let me test out this year. If I can't test out and be done this year instead of next year, everything goes down the drain.

Another year of high school means school plans for both myself and my boyfriend become so much more complicated. It means either I have to take a year off by myself, and then go back to school once he's here, or I could not take a year off and we just wouldn't be able to go to school in the same area or graduate in the same year. If we can't go to school in the same area, he can't come out here because he has to live with me. There's no money for him to live by himself in a strange country. And if we don't graduate in the same year... I admit it's no huge deal, but I'd like for it to work out. He graduates this year and then he has two years at a college there before getting a student visa and transferring to a school here. If I test out this year, I do two years at a junior college to negate the fact that I won't have a high school diploma, and then when I'm 18 I get my GED for employment purposes. I was thinking we'd take a semester or even a year off once he's here, enjoy the fact that he'd finally be here for longer than a few weeks, enjoy being out of high school, apply to schools near each other, figure out the living arrangements if we don't stay here (which I hope we go somewhere else, I don't think I could take living with my boyfriend and my parents for 2 to 4 years while we do school). Then we finish school up together, and the plans after that are a little hazy.

I just want to be out of here. I'm happy when I'm with my boyfriend. He's happy when he's with me. And we're both going crazy at the thought of two more years apart. In those two years we'll see each other for a grand total of MAYBE 2 months. Probably closer to 5 weeks. It's just really important to me to get to a point where parents and high school don't rule my life. Where, as long as I have the money to keep up with it, I can take just a few classes per semester, where I can be with my boyfriend and not my parents at the same time, without having to make out at the park in order to avoid them. I know I'm only 16 but I'm ready to be a little older. But all this school crap ruins that for me. The school officials, the ones who don't know me, treat me like a slacker because last year's grades sucked. Last year was a rough year for me, everything has been rough since my sister died and my BPD has become more and more apparent. I feel like I need a change of scenery, a breath of fresh air, and everything will be able to fall back into place. Does that make sense? Am I just dreaming here? Am I wrong to just want to be happy, and to have a little independence?

Ugh, and it's like I freak out about all this for a bit and then I have to do something, and I focus on what Im doing and I feel great, I forget all about this crap, and then when I have nothing to do again suddenly I'm so depressed...

[Hyper]

No you're making alot of sense. You're just tired and stressed out..

But since you know whats at stake try to the max ^^

[byee]

Jessi, it's hard to imagine you as a 'slacker', and it's even harder to imagine you with a GED and a Jr. College education. You're too intelligent for all that.

So, when really bright people have really big problems in school, it must be something other than brainpower. It's emotional. And, as you've shared you've experienced a catastrohic loss that you haven't really resolved. Maybe that's what's draining you and causing you to just want to turn the page. You've had enough of this chapter in your life.

I understand why you'd want to attach to your boyfriend. After a loss, esp. the kind of deep, tragic loss you've experienced, it's common for people to need to attach. It hurts so much, you just need it so badly that everything else just pales in comparison. This is understandable, but the task is to try to address that loss of your sis in a way that keeps you moving forward. Right now, you just need to be soothed. But, you're paying too high a price for it. And it doesn't sound like it's effective, anyway. Maybe it's time for a new plan.

There are ways to soothe that loss, you need time and space to address that very real loss so that it doesn't contaminate the rest of your life. Have we ever talked about therapy?

[Kaleidoscope Eyes]

I won't just be going to junior college, I plan to go to a university after that, I'd just start out at a jc. In order for me to go straight to university, I have a few D's to make up, and I just don't have the energy to be retaking courses on top of my normal work load. And the GED is just because if I don't get a traditional diploma, I'll have trouble getting jobs. I could have all the college credits and degrees I'd like, but until I get the GED I won't be able to check that "do you have a high school diploma or GED" box. I have no problem with a GED if it means I can get to college sooner. I have no attachment to a formal high school graduation. I just feel like I need to get out of this.

And you're right, I have definitely had enough of this part of my life. High school was a disaster starting from freshman orientation (I had the biggest panic attack of my life), and I think that no matter what I'm just associating high school with bad things.

Maybe you're right, but I don't really see my sister's death as being a big part of my problems right now. The loss caused problems, sure, I mean it triggered my BPD to announce itself, but after almost 3 years in therapy I feel I've worked through the actual loss as much as I can. I've accepted it, I understand that I'm an only child now (though I do sometimes wake up in the morning thinking Ally's in the next room, and I have to remind myself that she isn't), and I feel I can deal with that. The BPD in itself is causing problems now. We've been able to mostly control my mood, but my concentration is just shot. It's been going downhill for maybe 18 months now. I've just finally regained the ability to sit down with a book for more than 5 minutes again, and even though that's good progress, it's not enough progress to fix my school problems. I can do the English, History, Science, electives, they're easy. It's the math that kills me. Which is so frustrating, I used to be really good at math! My math teacher even tells me I was the only kid in PreCalc last semester that he thought has "the stuff" to do well. And I wish I could have done well. The fact is, I just can't concentrate on it. The numbers make no sense to me anymore, I look at the page and I think "...wow, I don't get this", and I can read the lesson as much as I want but it doesn't transfer into my memory at all. I'd like to blame my freshman Geometry teacher for taking away my zest for math, he was a pretty sucky teacher, but I know most of it (ok, all of it) is me. So for this new semester I'm taking Business math instead, I'm hoping that since it's not Calculus I'll be able to handle it because I need another semester of math credits in order to graduate if I stick with high school.


I wish I could just take some time out from life to think about it all. Because the more I think about it, the more confused I get. And the more time I take to think about it, the less time I have for the rest of my life. Where are those Clockstopper kids when you need em, I mean honestly. I would LOVE to just pause time for a bit. But I can't. So I'm not sure what to do.

[Zephyr]

Hun, I felt the exact same way my sophomore year, wanting a GED just so that I could get away from all of my problems at school because I was depressed, opressed, lonely and felt like the incredible blah. It was also my worst year struggling with BPD.

Trust me, you are so much better than a GED. GED says, "Hey! I've given up and I'm taking the easy way outd because I can't deal with highschool!". You can pull through! I never thought I would survive, but here I am in my senior year with excellent grades and citizenship remarks, and I'm going to be graduating Honors and top 10% here in almost 3 months.

It sounds like you just need to take a little break from life, then get back on track. Ask if you can take some personal time to sort things out because it will better you in the long run.