Lovelife090994
October 29th, 2013, 04:01 AM
Hi, I am not a very confident person, I never was.
I was always shy and I grew up like most do, happy, carefree, and unlike some in a loving Christian home. One of my problems is my looks. You see unlike my mom's side of the family I am skinny like my absent father but even to his side I am short and my own family on both sides ridiculed me for years for being so small and unathletic.
Unlike most boys who were rough and tough I was artistic, gentle, and at time feminine much to other's dismay. I never spoke unless spoken to, and I tried to be quiet else more bullies would come. Things for me got lower after 6th grade when I was in middle school, confused about things and by 7th grade with puberty I was unsure of my sexuality and I still am now at 19. I never could seem to make up my mind or be confident regardless of my mother and church.
I just never did seem to belong anywhere and I could never be happy. I wasn't like most boys into girls or sexual stuff and I found the muscular guy attractive and the dress cuter but given my strict family and bullies I just hid that and now I am more unsure than ever.
I was supposed to start college this Fall but due to lack in money I must wait a year but again I am unsure of what to do and I may just pick engineering to make money and not struggle like my mother since it hurts too much to see her struggle and long for a husband.
I do love my mom and family but I wish they supported me. I told them what I am telling here only to be blamed for how I am and told, "we will not have a gay relative" when in actuality I am really bisexual but with them as if there is a difference. Not confident, too shy to meet people, too scared to even change my body and work out like I should, I just feel so low and alone. I even cry sometimes at being alone and being so unsure of things. I pray and believe and things are slightly better now than they have been earlier.
A part of me is scared to be like this and a part of me is scared I like guys, a part of me blames myself because maybe I'm not Christian enough since I do not desire churchgoing or reading my Bible as I should. Many have said chunk out your faith but I cannot because I do want it but my judgemental religious family is not helping.
On my mom's side I am misunderstood and on my dad's side which is distant I am odd and that kid who wants nothing to do with his father, and on my side I am screaming despite my calm face. I am at a loss and forever in pain no matter how much I fake a smile. I am friendly and artsy despite my shyness and shattered confidence but behind it all I am a crushed soul in question.
I know only God can judge but I feel as if he is all I have now and I want friends too. My mom cares and loves me especially having died and came back for me at my birth but she doesn't understand, no one does!
I hope I left enough for someone to comment but right now as my insomnia lingers I think I'll just try and shut my eyes before I cry again. I am not asking for pity or hate, but comfort and assurance if possible.
I was always shy and I grew up like most do, happy, carefree, and unlike some in a loving Christian home. One of my problems is my looks. You see unlike my mom's side of the family I am skinny like my absent father but even to his side I am short and my own family on both sides ridiculed me for years for being so small and unathletic.
Unlike most boys who were rough and tough I was artistic, gentle, and at time feminine much to other's dismay. I never spoke unless spoken to, and I tried to be quiet else more bullies would come. Things for me got lower after 6th grade when I was in middle school, confused about things and by 7th grade with puberty I was unsure of my sexuality and I still am now at 19. I never could seem to make up my mind or be confident regardless of my mother and church.
I just never did seem to belong anywhere and I could never be happy. I wasn't like most boys into girls or sexual stuff and I found the muscular guy attractive and the dress cuter but given my strict family and bullies I just hid that and now I am more unsure than ever.
I was supposed to start college this Fall but due to lack in money I must wait a year but again I am unsure of what to do and I may just pick engineering to make money and not struggle like my mother since it hurts too much to see her struggle and long for a husband.
I do love my mom and family but I wish they supported me. I told them what I am telling here only to be blamed for how I am and told, "we will not have a gay relative" when in actuality I am really bisexual but with them as if there is a difference. Not confident, too shy to meet people, too scared to even change my body and work out like I should, I just feel so low and alone. I even cry sometimes at being alone and being so unsure of things. I pray and believe and things are slightly better now than they have been earlier.
A part of me is scared to be like this and a part of me is scared I like guys, a part of me blames myself because maybe I'm not Christian enough since I do not desire churchgoing or reading my Bible as I should. Many have said chunk out your faith but I cannot because I do want it but my judgemental religious family is not helping.
On my mom's side I am misunderstood and on my dad's side which is distant I am odd and that kid who wants nothing to do with his father, and on my side I am screaming despite my calm face. I am at a loss and forever in pain no matter how much I fake a smile. I am friendly and artsy despite my shyness and shattered confidence but behind it all I am a crushed soul in question.
I know only God can judge but I feel as if he is all I have now and I want friends too. My mom cares and loves me especially having died and came back for me at my birth but she doesn't understand, no one does!
I hope I left enough for someone to comment but right now as my insomnia lingers I think I'll just try and shut my eyes before I cry again. I am not asking for pity or hate, but comfort and assurance if possible.