Babysteps into devastation

[turtlescantwrite]

The first time I self harmed was in sixth grade, although not in the way one would think; I didnt learn how to break a razor blade until later in life.
It actually was something i never heard of.
I sprained my wrist during gym one day, and actually began playing with the swollen skin. Then after one stressful afternoon, I hit it against my bedframe and was suprised at how it helped. to test if this was really what i felt, i twisted it in odd angles.
I felt relief in the pain afterwards, even felt tired. I was able to sleep.
It devastated me when my wrist was magically healed one morning.
I never truly stopped though. Over time I found another way. As a young child I was-and still am- very prone to canker sores. I would bite straight through the painful wounds in my mouth, only making them worse, sometimes to where I couldn't move my mouth.
Im so used to biting through my gums now, its a habit when Im in uncomfortable situations.

[Katiya]

I started the same way when I was really really young. And I later learnt to cut. I've not hard for the biting before, though I've hard of people biting themselves on their skin. I think that's probably safer than cutting because your mouth has its own anti bacterial properties in saliva.

Sounds like its become another coping mechanism, I tend to dig fingernails into my skin as hard as I can. It's kind of just weird habits developed from a stressful life. I tend to have bad anticipation anxiety. When ever I'm waiting for something, punishment or a fun event what ever, it causes a flight or fight response. I know that's what it is because I have an overwhelming instinct to run, hide, or fight. Kinda all 3 at once. I have this with surprise events too. They uh spook me I guess.
I've had people pull into the drive and I've instinctively ran and hid only to realize its just someone like the mail lady and it makes for a real awkward greeting trying to explain what you were doing under a bush or in an old barrel in the barn LOL. It looks totally crazy I'm sure. But it comes from a life of trying to escape a painful punishment when someone returned home. I'd hide and wait until the yelling and slamming of things had long sense stopped before I'd come out. Sometimes it worked, other times I got punished anyway. But it is weird, when I hear or think I heard the door open I jump up and start for a hiding place before I realize I don't need to hide. Idk but I can't help it its just like an instinct.

Sorry for going on a tanget of topic, idk I just find that embarasing about my self and idk I just had to say it publicly lol maybe I won't feel so embarrassed now.

[turtlescantwrite]

It was really interesting reading your story, and I totally understand what you mean about the fight or flight thing. I get scared at the silliest things and my friends always look at me funny whenever I flinch away from their touch.
There was a time when I was so scared my friend would hit me that I dropped down into a ball and yelled "dont hurt me!" quite loudly.
Dont apologize! I thought your rant was interesting.

[Katiya]

Thanks! I'm glad you understood some of it. I thought sure people would laugh, shoot even I have to laugh at me sometimes. But yeah I get what you just said about your friend. I had friends over before (my family is perfect long as there's company around O.o) and I would accidently do my quirky reaction and they'd look at me funny too. I usually try to make an awkward joke out of it as to not look like a total nut case xD.

I thought your story was quite interesting as well. ThoughI feel bad that you had to go thru what you did, but I learnt I'm not totally weird so your story helped me. :)

[turtlescantwrite]

Im glad I helped, and I get the family thing. Actually, it was only around the social workers. They didnt care around anyone else. It was like a they knew nobody could stop them. there was a point in walmart though when an old guy who saw my step dad smack us and said something.
He started saying that the old guy didnt know how to raise kids and that he saved us from our biological dad..-_-
the cops had to drag him out of walmart.
Yeah, I hate my bio dad, but yeesh.
Its sad its led me to self harm, but eh.
I dont want people to hurt me as much as I hurt myself, dont want them to affect me as much as I affect myself.
Its hard to describe self harm.

[turtlescantwrite]

Im glad I helped, and I get the family thing. Actually, it was only around the social workers. They didnt care around anyone else. It was like a they knew nobody could stop them. there was a point in walmart though when an old guy who saw my step dad smack us and said something.
He started saying that the old guy didnt know how to raise kids and that he saved us from our biological dad..-_-
the cops had to drag him out of walmart.
Yeah, I hate my bio dad, but yeesh.
Its sad its led me to self harm, but eh.
I dont want people to hurt me as much as I hurt myself, dont want them to affect me as much as I affect myself.
Its hard to describe self harm.

[Katiya]

You know my parents wee almost just as bad with the workers. My dad told the lady on several occasions I was a horriblea and ungreaful kid and that he did not love me at all.

The workers didn't do anything. Tho they seen I had a black eye once and called cps but I lied to that guy BCi didn't want to go to foster care. I told one teacher in 6th grade and she told my parents and I got it even worse after that. And I was too scared to tell the CP's worker 9 years later. I did try to tell the school worker but she didn't call cps even tho I asked her to.

I found not many people want to help. So I just live with it. Physical violence at home is better but they are still as emotionally abusive as ever.

[turtlescantwrite]

Thats terrible. I never got any help from those people ever. I didnt want to take off my clothes to show the welts on my backside during kindergarten, i was too shy. So one day I did bad in school and got so scared i would get hit at home, i took a fork and stabbed my leg with it, and told them that it was him.
CPS came over and, I dont know how, but my parents got them to leave.
It was one of the worst decisions i ever made as a child.