Why feel bad for someone who puts this on themselves?

[Derryck]

I was at lunch with a couple buddies of mine. One of our friends was talking about how his mom (M) was always getting abused by her bf, breaks up with him, then goes back to him. I ask why and he says money. Being me, I start laughing my ass of. My other buddy was feeling all sorry for M. I turn to him and ask "Do you not feel the disposition to laugh at his mother?" He goes "I feel the need to HELP his mother!". I don't get it. SHE goes back to HIM. It's on HER. Sure, he shouldn't have abused her in the first place, but it should have ended with the breakup. Why do people feel sorry for these women who are stupid enough to get back with these assholes? I personally think it's hilarious. The stupidity of these women never cease to amuse me. Why doesn't my friend realize that these women just cannot be helped. These women put the abuse on themselves because they are chemically controlled animals. They're not worth feeling sorry for. Why feel sorry for and/or try to help these women when they are clearly not going to understand the error of their choice in men? :confused:

[LouBerry]

It's called love. Does it make sense? Not always. Is it right? Not always. Those woman, and men to by the way, are usually frightened of their abuser. But also, they're in love with them. I can't imagine how hard it would be to be a single parent, especially knowing that after your children grew up you'd be all alone. You'd be surprised what you'd do to keep from being alone. My sister is one of those women. And you know what, it's sad as Hell. Watching someone you love be abused is a horrific thing, and I think you are sick for finding humor in it. On most of your posts, you seem to judge others rather harshly, without trying to understand their position at all. You should take a second to think about the people you're condemning.

[Derryck]

It's called love. Does it make sense? Not always. Is it right? Not always. Those woman, and men to by the way, are usually frightened of their abuser. But also, they're in love with them. I can't imagine how hard it would be to be a single parent, especially knowing that after your children grew up you'd be all alone. You'd be surprised what you'd do to keep from being alone. My sister is one of those women. And you know what, it's sad as Hell. Watching someone you love be abused is a horrific thing, and I think you are sick for finding humor in it. On most of your posts, you seem to judge others rather harshly, without trying to understand their position at all. You should take a second to think about the people you're condemning.

It's not like they don't break up with them, They break up and then SHE (or HE as you said) goes back to him (or HER -__-) . No fear required. She come crawling back to the guy only to be abused again. They get beaten and put down all the time yet they think that their partner is a gift from the heavens. I used to feel sorry for these people, but then I realized just how pointless trying to help them is. They just won't learn.

[LouBerry]

It's not like they don't break up with them, They break up and then SHE (or HE as you said) goes back to him (or HER -__-) . No fear required. She come crawling back to the guy only to be abused again. They get beaten and put down all the time yet they think that their partner is a gift from the heavens. I used to feel sorry for these people, but then I realized just how pointless trying to help them is. They just won't learn.

Okay, here is the problem. Just like the last thread of your I posted on, you don't understand what you're talking about. You've never been in that position, you don't know.

People aren't always who they seem to be, and someone that you get involved with might turn out of be someone completely different after the fact, but you've already fallen in love with them, it's not that easy to just get over it.

And another thing, you belittle these people for trying. They break it off, try to make things better, and then they can't. They either can't stand being alone, miss their loved one badly, or that loved one wins their heart again.

The major thing here is that it is simply not your place to judge anyone. Also it's none of your damn business. I realize your friend told you, but he obviously didn't tell you so that you would be an ass. If you can have no compassion for the women you speak so cruelly about, at least you might have some for your friends.

[Derryck]

Okay, here is the problem. Just like the last thread of your I posted on, you don't understand what you're talking about. You've never been in that position, you don't know.

People aren't always who they seem to be, and someone that you get involved with might turn out of be someone completely different after the fact, but you've already fallen in love with them, it's not that easy to just get over it.

And another thing, you belittle these people for trying. They break it off, try to make things better, and then they can't. They either can't stand being alone, miss their loved one badly, or that loved one wins their heart again.

The major thing here is that it is simply not your place to judge anyone. Also it's none of your damn business. I realize your friend told you, but he obviously didn't tell you so that you would be an ass. If you can have no compassion for the women you speak so cruelly about, at least you might have some for your friends.

It's not like I have no compassion for them. I do feel a little bad for them, I just don't see the point in trying to help them anymore because they're just going to do the same thing over and over again. The reason I was laughing was because she kept going back to him for money. And I'm just gonna give you the facts, if she is spending every second of her life with her bf and ONLY comes to you to whine about her fights then...... well that's just pathetic.

[ksdnfkfr]

These women put the abuse on themselves because they are chemically controlled animals. They're not worth feeling sorry for. Why feel sorry for and/or try to help these women when they are clearly not going to understand the error of their choice in men? :confused:

It is known as Stockholm Syndrome (http://counsellingresource.com/lib/therapy/self-help/stockholm/).

[LouBerry]

It's not like I have no compassion for them. I do feel a little bad for them, I just don't see the point in trying to help them anymore because they're just going to do the same thing over and over again. The reason I was laughing was because she kept going back to him for money. And I'm just gonna give you the facts, if she is spending every second of her life with her bf and ONLY comes to you to whine about her fights then...... well that's just pathetic.

Who are you to judge her. Pathetic? Do you know what that means? Just in case you don't, Pathetic-arousing pity, especially through vulnerability or sadness. If you found her pathetic, you'd surely not laugh at her.

Also, we're talking about your friends mom here right? You don't know a damn thing about what she does. Unless you are her, or her boyfriend, which I'm guessing you aren't, you don't know anything except that your friend said so. "ONLY comes to you to whine about her fights" Is his mom whining to you about her fights? No? Then why the Hell are you bashing her.

Man, If that's what you call compassion, I'd hate to see what you do when you can't stand someone.

[Melodic]

My mom was in the same exact situation with my dad, who abused her when I was a baby, and abused me when I was a kid and he's emotionally abused her and harassed her my whole life. I pretty much can't do anything "un approved" or my dad will force custody on me, which he would only do for food stamps and benefits of my disorders. The reason she put up with it so long was because she didn't want to hurt me or herself. It's hard because once you're in an abusive relationship, you don't know what could happen once you get out. There's a lot more to it then being pathetic and stupid, it's a really big risk.

[Cygnus]

These women put the abuse on themselves because they are chemically controlled animals. They're not worth feeling sorry for. Why feel sorry for and/or try to help these women when they are clearly not going to understand the error of their choice in men? :confused:

Thats very harsh man, they are still humans and you must treat them as such, you see, what if the woman depends on that boyfriend of hers that abuses her? If you were on her place and he abused you, would you dump him considering that he is the one that feeds you?

[Blood]

There is a lot more to this situation than you understand. You have never been in an abusive relationship so you don't know ONE FUCKING THING about it. Laughing at someone's mother because she's getting abused is completely ignorant. And then asking someone why they don't think just goes to prove how oblivious you are.

You keep making and posting on threads that you obviously have no experience and/or knowledge about. I highly advise you to take a step back and reevaluate your opinions about abuse, because you obviously know fucking nothing about it.

[badthoughts]

It's called love.
It's not, actually. It's a deeply imbedded psychological disorder that cannot be cured. Ezra is correct:

It is known as Stockholm Syndrome (http://counsellingresource.com/lib/therapy/self-help/stockholm/).
Without even knowing the woman, I would (probably correctly) assume that she was abused in every way as a child by a male family member, possibly her father but it's likely that her father was not even in her life so the abuser was an uncle, brother, or other trusted male figure. Then as an adult, she sought out a man who was similar to her childhood abuser, and she will continue to seek him or others like him for the rest of her life.

The saddest part in all of this is that the circle of abuse rarely is broken, so more than likely her children will experience the same, then pass it on to their children, and so on and so on...

[LouBerry]

It's not, actually. It's a deeply imbedded psychological disorder that cannot be cured. Ezra is correct:


Without even knowing the woman, I would (probably correctly) assume that she was abused in every way as a child by a male family member, possibly her father but it's likely that her father was not even in her life so the abuser was an uncle, brother, or other trusted male figure. Then as an adult, she sought out a man who was similar to her childhood abuser, and she will continue to seek him or others like him for the rest of her life.

The saddest part in all of this is that the circle of abuse rarely is broken, so more than likely her children will experience the same, then pass it on to their children, and so on and so on...

Uhm, same damn thing. Stockholm Syndrome is usually used to describe a person who has been abducted or held hostage and developed feelings of empathy or love for their capturer. So, yes, I think that does happen with abusive relationships, but the whole point is that they love their partner.

Also, that middle part? No. Again, yeah that happens, but in no way is that the norm. People fall in love with someone. Then, after it's too late, they start to realize who they fell in love with, but what can they do about it after that?

And you don't know what her children are like, or what she's like. If she's a good mom, she'll keep all that shit away from her kids, and they'll end up just fine. That "circle of abuse" is utter bullshit.

[highschool]

I was at lunch with a couple buddies of mine. One of our friends was talking about how his mom (M) was always getting abused by her bf, breaks up with him, then goes back to him. I ask why and he says money. Being me, I start laughing my ass of. My other buddy was feeling all sorry for M. I turn to him and ask "Do you not feel the disposition to laugh at his mother?" He goes "I feel the need to HELP his mother!". I don't get it. SHE goes back to HIM. It's on HER. Sure, he shouldn't have abused her in the first place, but it should have ended with the breakup. Why do people feel sorry for these women who are stupid enough to get back with these assholes? I personally think it's hilarious. The stupidity of these women never cease to amuse me. Why doesn't my friend realize that these women just cannot be helped. These women put the abuse on themselves because they are chemically controlled animals. They're not worth feeling sorry for. Why feel sorry for and/or try to help these women when they are clearly not going to understand the error of their choice in men? :confused:
regardless of whether or not she shouldn't go back to him, you're a really big jerk for laughing at someone who's getting ABUSED. absolutely disgusting...

[Derryck]

regardless of whether or not she shouldn't go back to him, you're a really big jerk for laughing at someone who's getting ABUSED. absolutely disgusting...

I was laughing because of the reason why she was going back to him.

[badthoughts]

That "circle of abuse" is utter bullshit.
Elizabeth,

I'm not just pulling crap out of my ass. What I wrote is Psychology 101; it's not even my opinion, it's medically-supported fact. It's been documented since.....well, books were written on the subject in the late 1800's, and I believe Hippocrates theorized about the physical nature of mental disorders back in BC times, so there's a lot of time-tested evidence to support psychological disorders.

Father abuses son, son abuses animals, then younger kids, then his own kids. Those kids then abuse their kids, their kids abuse their kids.....it's medically documented from thousands and thousands of cases. Fortunately, the circle is broken sometimes, but sadly often it is not.

a person who has been abducted or held hostage and developed feelings of empathy or love for their capturer.
But that's not really love. It's a disorder that is trauma induced. Love is healthy and contributes positively to human life. There is nothing healthy about being abused in some way or another and then developing affection for the abuser.

[RJB911311]

"I was at lunch with a couple buddies of mine. One of our friends was talking about how his mom (M) was always getting abused by her bf, breaks up with him, then goes back to him. I ask why and he says money. Being me, I start laughing my ass of. My other buddy was feeling all sorry for M. I turn to him and ask "Do you not feel the disposition to laugh at his mother?" He goes "I feel the need to HELP his mother!". I don't get it. SHE goes back to HIM. It's on HER. Sure, he shouldn't have abused her in the first place, but it should have ended with the breakup. Why do people feel sorry for these women who are stupid enough to get back with these assholes? I personally think it's hilarious. The stupidity of these women never cease to amuse me. Why doesn't my friend realize that these women just cannot be helped. These women put the abuse on themselves because they are chemically controlled animals. They're not worth feeling sorry for. Why feel sorry for and/or try to help these women when they are clearly not going to understand the error of their choice in men?" Not only do I agree completely, I could not have said this better myself.

[LouBerry]

Elizabeth,

I'm not just pulling crap out of my ass. What I wrote is Psychology 101; it's not even my opinion, it's medically-supported fact. It's been documented since.....well, books were written on the subject in the late 1800's, and I believe Hippocrates theorized about the physical nature of mental disorders back in BC times, so there's a lot of time-tested evidence to support psychological disorders.

Father abuses son, son abuses animals, then younger kids, then his own kids. Those kids then abuse their kids, their kids abuse their kids.....it's medically documented from thousands and thousands of cases. Fortunately, the circle is broken sometimes, but sadly often it is not.


But that's not really love. It's a disorder that is trauma induced. Love is healthy and contributes positively to human life. There is nothing healthy about being abused in some way or another and then developing affection for the abuser.

I am aware that it is a thing. That countless books have been made about it, and that it is an accepted idea, I'm not an idiot.

But think about this. I'm one of those statistics. So is my step sister.

I was sexually, physically, and emotionally abused as a child, and I've grown up in that kind of environment, but guess what? I turned out okay. Because I know that having shit happen to you is no excuse to turn into an asshole later in life. You take what you get, and you deal with it.

People can cry to me all they want about their "circle of abuse" and how what they do isn't their fault, it's just how they were raised, they didn't have a choice...blah blah blah. You have a choice to act how you want. You have a choice to beat someone, or rape someone, or make someone unhappy on purpose. It's not your dad's fault, or your mom's, or your boyfriend's. It's all you.

Wait, love is healthy? Positive to human life? You've obviously never been in love. Sure, there are ups, where someone makes you feel happy and like you are going to just explode with joy, but it's also the most terrible thing ever. Love is difficult and it's anything but pleasant.

But, that's really not the issue at hand.

I've yet to talk to someone who has been abused who isn't one of two things. Hopelessly in love with, or absolutely terrified by their abuser. Either way, it's not their fault, and they shouldn't be mocked.

[Derryck]

I am aware that it is a thing. That countless books have been made about it, and that it is an accepted idea, I'm not an idiot.

But think about this. I'm one of those statistics. So is my step sister.

I was sexually, physically, and emotionally abused as a child, and I've grown up in that kind of environment, but guess what? I turned out okay. Because I know that having shit happen to you is no excuse to turn into an asshole later in life. You take what you get, and you deal with it.

People can cry to me all they want about their "circle of abuse" and how what they do isn't their fault, it's just how they were raised, they didn't have a choice...blah blah blah. You have a choice to act how you want. You have a choice to beat someone, or rape someone, or make someone unhappy on purpose. It's not your dad's fault, or your mom's, or your boyfriend's. It's all you.

Wait, love is healthy? Positive to human life? You've obviously never been in love. Sure, there are ups, where someone makes you feel happy and like you are going to just explode with joy, but it's also the most terrible thing ever. Love is difficult and it's anything but pleasant.

But, that's really not the issue at hand.

I've yet to talk to someone who has been abused who isn't one of two things. Hopelessly in love with, or absolutely terrified by their abuser. Either way, it's not their fault, and they shouldn't be mocked.

But wouldn't you agree that YOU make your choices in partners, and NOT your past?

[LouBerry]

But wouldn't you agree that YOU make your choices in partners, and NOT your past?

Yes. But, that's the thing. I don't think anyone meets someone and beats them that night. No, they're nice at first. Friendly, kind, funny. Then, as time goes on, they start slowly showing their true colours. By that time, their partner is already in love, and they don't know what to do. And that is NOT their fault.

[Derryck]

Yes. But, that's the thing. I don't think anyone meets someone and beats them that night. No, they're nice at first. Friendly, kind, funny. Then, as time goes on, they start slowly showing their true colours. By that time, their partner is already in love, and they don't know what to do. And that is NOT their fault.

I understand how it may be difficult, but don't you think going back to the guy over and over and over again is a little redundant?

[LouBerry]

I understand how it may be difficult, but don't you think going back to the guy over and over and over again is a little redundant?

Sure it is. And if you asked me what I'd do in that situation, I'd tell you that I wouldn't put up with it, that I'd leave and never look back.

But, thinking about it, if Seth started abusing me, I would stay with him. It's....difficult to explain. The thing is, when you're in love, you don't think the way you normally might. You do stupid things because you want to be happy, and make your partner happy.

It's not that I don't get your point, and somewhat share your opinion, I think it's crazy too, but I think that it's sad and I feel so much compassion for those people it breaks my heart. Abuse is nothing to laugh at, in any form or fashion.

[ksdnfkfr]

I understand how it may be difficult, but don't you think going back to the guy over and over and over again is a little redundant?

It is often difficult to understand
something unless one has experienced it.
It is easy to scoff at something one feels
immune to. Surely you must have some
behavior trait others don't/can't understand.
Anything can became an addiction, no matter
how harmful it is. Additions are usually harmful
and have others stumped at why a person keeps
repeating the same behavior over and over.
Most people who are stuck in these destructive
repetitions want it to stop. And yet they keep going
back to it over and over again.

[teen.jpg]

You are definitely in the wrong here. Its a really complicated situation, you laughing just makes you a dick, sorry.

[Derryck]

You are definitely in the wrong here. Its a really complicated situation, you laughing just makes you a dick, sorry.

I'm actually shocked that this one's still up and running. -__-
But what I'm truly talking about (and this is for everyone) is the situation where she doesn't leave him solely because she loves him........ and nothing more.

[LouBerry]

I'm actually shocked that this one's still up and running. -__-
But what I'm truly talking about (and this is for everyone) is the situation where she doesn't leave him solely because she loves him........ and nothing more.

She. Loves. Him. Looove. Crazy, stupid, irrational, makes no sense, love. Come back and debate this when you understand what that means. How can you call someone into question when you've never experienced what they are experiencing?

[Derryck]

She. Loves. Him. Looove. Crazy, stupid, irrational, makes no sense, love. Come back and debate this when you understand what that means. How can you call someone into question when you've never experienced what they are experiencing?

Hey! Listen! A good friend of mine completely abandoned me because I said something stupid that I didn't even mean! She forgave her bf after he harassed her several times and I had to put up with her shit! She forgave her bf after all the crap he did to her yet she wouldn't forgive me for one silly comment I made! Now just try to tell me that I shouldn't be angry about this situation.

[Harley Quinn]

Hey! Listen! A good friend of mine completely abandoned me because I said something stupid that I didn't even mean! She forgave her bf after he harassed her several times and I had to put up with her shit! She forgave her bf after all the crap he did to her yet she wouldn't forgive me for one silly comment I made! Now just try to tell me that I shouldn't be angry about this situation.

You shouldn't be angry about the situation.

[LouBerry]

Hey! Listen! A good friend of mine completely abandoned me because I said something stupid that I didn't even mean! She forgave her bf after he harassed her several times and I had to put up with her shit! She forgave her bf after all the crap he did to her yet she wouldn't forgive me for one silly comment I made! Now just try to tell me that I shouldn't be angry about this situation.

What does that have to do with anything we are debating?

But, it probably just goes back to that thing I keep telling you that you don't understand. Love. She should forgive you, sure, but girls hold grudges. It happens. However, maybe she's in love with her boyfriend, so that's why she forgave him so quickly, love is blind, you know.

[Derryck]

You shouldn't be angry about the situation.

Yeah well your Sio, of course you're gonna say that. :D

[thatcountrykid]

Uhm, same damn thing. Stockholm Syndrome is usually used to describe a person who has been abducted or held hostage and developed feelings of empathy or love for their capturer. So, yes, I think that does happen with abusive relationships, but the whole point is that they love their partner.

Also, that middle part? No. Again, yeah that happens, but in no way is that the norm. People fall in love with someone. Then, after it's too late, they start to realize who they fell in love with, but what can they do about it after that?

And you don't know what her children are like, or what she's like. If she's a good mom, she'll keep all that shit away from her kids, and they'll end up just fine. That "circle of abuse" is utter bullshit.

They think they love their partner. A lot of the time they are just afraid of change.

[LouBerry]

They think they love their partner. A lot of the time they are just afraid of change.

You don't know that. When you love someone, you do dumb shit for them. You forgive them when you shouldn't. You go back to them when they're hurt you. Because you love them, and what will you do without them?