SarahSoprano
October 22nd, 2013, 11:16 PM
I just need support.
As a little kid, my dad would hit me, pull me by my hair, and slap me with a belt as form of punishment. That's what I learned.
Over the years, I feared him coming home from work. Some days he would be laughing and telling jokes, but other days he'd lash out on me, my mom, and my sister. He's the head of the house.
I have severe ADHD, and struggle in school. My dad is serious about grades. I fail, and I get hit, shouted at, called a failure, an idiot...I didn't know that stress like that could impact my concentration as well.
I'm a senior in high school. Grades are coming in soon. I know I'm failing Economics. I can't focus enough to even understand what we're doing in there. I know hell is coming for me. I want to just freeze everything and have a moment to be calm.
Everything I tell my mom, she tells my dad. Everything I tell my sister, she tells my mom. I can't tell anyone anything.
While experimenting ways to cope, I gave cutting a try. It was supposed to just be a one time experiment. Now every time I go to the bathroom, I have to grab those scissors and feel the sting and watch it redden. I wouldn't dare go too far to a vein, but I'm afraid that my mom will ask and she won't believe it was all just my cat.
I'm sick of being told I'm a failure and I'm an embarassment and getting bruises and him simply denying everything. He says that it's only abuse if he leaves be beaten up in the corner of a room, bleeding. That's what I always thought until I did my research.
I remember once when we had to do a 5k (which I am physically impaired which makes any physical activity very painful but he simply says I'm just weak), I was dehydrated and couldn't catch up, so he grabbed me by the neck and shoved me forward. He proceeded to shout profanity at me. Someone saw it. I saw them look over. They simply looked forward, smiled, and kept walking. I couldn't believe that somebody would just ignore it.
I had no idea bullying was abuse, either. I feel that I am mentally ten years old because of being bullied and my dad and everything. I had no idea that this could all play a part in my grades, leading up to even more pain from my dad.
My mom knows what he does but tries to brush it off. When she mentions grades, she tells me that my dad is going to hurt me as if nothing can be done. She doesn't want anything to happen to him. I don't want anything to happen to him. He does have a kind heart, I'm sure. He doesn't drink, but he is bipolar, and he came from a very crude family that probably taught him that all of this is okay. And he's the one in the family that makes the money.
I can't report it, but I just want help. I need help. I need the help to be a secret. Please, somebody help me. I'm afraid of him. I'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid of my life.
As a little kid, my dad would hit me, pull me by my hair, and slap me with a belt as form of punishment. That's what I learned.
Over the years, I feared him coming home from work. Some days he would be laughing and telling jokes, but other days he'd lash out on me, my mom, and my sister. He's the head of the house.
I have severe ADHD, and struggle in school. My dad is serious about grades. I fail, and I get hit, shouted at, called a failure, an idiot...I didn't know that stress like that could impact my concentration as well.
I'm a senior in high school. Grades are coming in soon. I know I'm failing Economics. I can't focus enough to even understand what we're doing in there. I know hell is coming for me. I want to just freeze everything and have a moment to be calm.
Everything I tell my mom, she tells my dad. Everything I tell my sister, she tells my mom. I can't tell anyone anything.
While experimenting ways to cope, I gave cutting a try. It was supposed to just be a one time experiment. Now every time I go to the bathroom, I have to grab those scissors and feel the sting and watch it redden. I wouldn't dare go too far to a vein, but I'm afraid that my mom will ask and she won't believe it was all just my cat.
I'm sick of being told I'm a failure and I'm an embarassment and getting bruises and him simply denying everything. He says that it's only abuse if he leaves be beaten up in the corner of a room, bleeding. That's what I always thought until I did my research.
I remember once when we had to do a 5k (which I am physically impaired which makes any physical activity very painful but he simply says I'm just weak), I was dehydrated and couldn't catch up, so he grabbed me by the neck and shoved me forward. He proceeded to shout profanity at me. Someone saw it. I saw them look over. They simply looked forward, smiled, and kept walking. I couldn't believe that somebody would just ignore it.
I had no idea bullying was abuse, either. I feel that I am mentally ten years old because of being bullied and my dad and everything. I had no idea that this could all play a part in my grades, leading up to even more pain from my dad.
My mom knows what he does but tries to brush it off. When she mentions grades, she tells me that my dad is going to hurt me as if nothing can be done. She doesn't want anything to happen to him. I don't want anything to happen to him. He does have a kind heart, I'm sure. He doesn't drink, but he is bipolar, and he came from a very crude family that probably taught him that all of this is okay. And he's the one in the family that makes the money.
I can't report it, but I just want help. I need help. I need the help to be a secret. Please, somebody help me. I'm afraid of him. I'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid of my life.