I Just Don't Know Any more...

[Underground_Network]

I don't know what to do... My life is falling apart right in front of my eyes, and I just can't seem to do shit about it... I'm losing my closest friends, my grades are falling apart, and my parent's can't afford to pay for anything... My goddamn house is literally falling apart, and they can't even fucking afford to fix it... I just don't know what to do... All the sudden I stood out, I made some new friends, more people appreciated me, my life was working out.. Then all the sudden my friends faded away, my parents went from having a decent of money to basically being broke, and my life has just fallen apart. You don't know how close I am to suicide... I really want to commit suicide in my school building, show everyone that fuck 'em, my life isn't great, my life sucks, my life is fucking pointless.. If no one fucking appreciates my existence, then why should it continue? I don't care any more if I hurt people by hurting myself. I don't care if my mom cries herself into a coma just because I killed myself. I just don't fucking care any more... I was on the edge, and right now I've fallen off and I'm spiraling downward...

[Kaleidoscope Eyes]

Breathe. Things will get better, you just have to hang in there. You may think no one cares that you're alive, but they do. I know all of us here at VT are glad to have you here, and I'm sure your family feels the same. What you need to do is tell your parents you're depressed. You need help, and they need to know that so they can give it to you. It'd be best I think if you could get into counseling, see a therapist who knows best how to help you through such a tough part in your life. You're only 14 buddy, you've got so much left to do, so many good things to live for. You may not see that now, but once you're feeling better you will, and you'll be so glad to stuck with it. But in order for that to happen, you need a bit of help. I encourage you to please tell your parents how you feel. I understand you don't have much money, but I'm sure you can find a therapist who can work with you to find a good payment option. There are always options.

Hang in there, and keep us posted. :)

[Underground_Network]

I've been to a psychiatrist.. and I think I scared the shit out of him... I just lied to him.. I don't want help from those kinds of people, they don't really know me, and I feel even if I tell them everything, nothing good will come from it.. I know everything I say to him is "confidential", but I'm afraid he'll inform my mom if I tell him the truth, and I don't want to distress her, or my life will get even worse... My dad was cruel to me after I first attempted suicide. He made fun of me and thought I was "retarted" for even thinking of doing that... I got very little support from him and he continues to barely support me.. Just complaining when I get bad grades.. And he never wants to listen to anything I have to say.. My mom on the other hand is willing to hand, but she just never has any good advice and really doesn't know what to say.. Plus I don't want to worry her so I always tell her things are fine.. And school counselors suck, so I really don't have anyone else to talk to.. I don't know anyone else in real life who has the same problems as me.. I feel like I'm fucked beyond all hope and suicide is my only damn choice.. Trust me, I've tried breathing, but the air is too contaminated, I'm only breathing in bad air. I want to escape this, the only way out is death.

[Mikel14]

hey don't give up just yet talk to someone you trust and write a journal or something to get rid of your pain but don't commit suicide and your mom wouldn't be the only one sad about you dieing you may not think so but a lot of people care about you and some would even take a bullet for you just try to make new friends and get a new hobby or something to get your mind off of suicide like drawing or jogging

[Kaleidoscope Eyes]

U_N, you have to tell the psychiatrist the truth or they can't help you. Of course they never know you if you only go once and lie to them the entire time. They get to know you over the course of your treatment, by listening to you. Sometimes you won't get along with one doctor and will have to try another, the right match is key, but you have to keep trying or it won't happen. I've done the lying to the shrink thing before, you get nowhere and feel worse because it isn't helping. You need to tell them how you feel about your dad, and maybe have them help you tell him. A professional telling him how his actions are affecting you might help bring him back to reality a bit, somehow adults tend to listen more to other adults, especially ones with degrees in psychology. I'm sure that if you did kill yourself, he'd feel like shit for picking on you. Not that that justifies it, a parent should always be supportive, but sometimes they aren't and they need a little help realizing how much they're really hurting you. He doesn't seem to realize how serious this really is.

So you have no one you know in person who seems to understand. But a lot of us here have lived through depression, have survived suicide attempts, or are going through depression right now just like you are. We may have to communicate through a keyboard, but we are out here waiting to help you. You can feel free to pm, email, IM me at any time, all my contact info should be in my profile. I like helping people, so don't give me that "I don't want to be a burden" speech, ok? If you don't want to talk that's fine, but know that people are here for you. Hang in there.

[thesphinx]

I'm sorry U_N but please trust us things can get better you haven't even tasted life yet so give it a chance.
I know what it's like to be in this situation and its not fun and I know that it feels like its the only way to truly be happy but its not and you CAN be happy again trust me.

I went through Major depression for a 1-1/2 and I'm fine now I'm living proof things can get better.
You NEED to go to a counselor or someone who can get you through this it may take a few tries to get the right one but when you do it helps so much.
Life has its ups and downs it will get better trust me.
:hug: we're here for you :)

[Underground_Network]

Godamnit.. I just hate this.. today I feel better, but I know I'll have another down day.. Yesterday I felt shittier than I've ever felt before.. My one and currently only good friend, who I haven't talked to in over a month hung out with me after school and we had some fun... So right this moment I really don't feel that bad, but I still acknowledge the fact that I'm the kind of person who doesn't usually stay depressed, something occurs and I have a mental breakdown and go suicidal... At this point even the slightest thing could trigger me... One of the reasons psychiatrists don't help me is because one day I'll feel one emotion and the next day I'll feel a different one. In other words I may have felt suicidal, but the day I go to the psychiatrist I'm all "this is a drag, I've got better things to do", and just lie to him to get through the session as fast as possible... I can only talk when I actually feel low, when I don't feel low I feel I have no reason to help.. At this point I feel low at least once a week, and if something major (negative) happens in my life any time soon, I'm pretty sure I'll turn to suicide.. I acknowledge all these facts when I'm in a proper state of mind, but when I feel so low, I just don't take anything in... I don't think before I act, and that scares me.. :/

[thesphinx]

It sounds as if you may be dealing with some type of situational depression where it is mainly caused by certain situations am I accurate on that? Also like I said before don't give up on a Psychiatrist just because he may not be the right one it takes time to find the right doctor.

And as always we're here for you, if you ever want to talk I have a lot of experience in depression issues including personal ones so feel free to PM me.

[Underground_Network]

I know, I know.. But what I was trying to get across was the fact that when I'm depressed/down I am willing to talk b/c I have something to talk about, but I almost never take in anything that people say... And sometimes it makes me feel worse even when they try their best to comfort me.. While when I'm not very depressed (like right now), I just don't feel like talking, though if I were to talk, I would take things in and understand... It just doesn't work out... And I've never heard of situational depression, but it sounds like its what I have. :/

[Mikel14]

well as you said you have bad days we all do and you've just gotta live threw the day unto the next and maybe that day will be better

[thesphinx]

Situation depression Often happens where a person is depressed because of a certain situation and then when that situation lets up and a better situation happens the person may feel happy again or at least not that depressed, but will usually go back into the depressive state once a negative situation happens again.
Its like just going up and down with what life throws at you and not having sturdy ground to stand on to fight these situations.

The main thing is you need to realize that you will have good and bad situations and that's what makes you unique if no one ever had any bad experiences they wouldn't be who they are right?

[ViciousScheme]

Listen to me man, I'm probably not as bad as you are and cant feel YOUR pain exactly but i ak going through quite a depression myself, its PUBERTY PLUS ALL THE OTHER SHIT PILED ON. You gotta trust me on this one, earn a couple bucks, go buy some mountain dew and chocolate, you will feel relaxed temporarily. It should calm you down for a bit. The chocolate releases seratonin, a chemical in the brain, which temporarily releaves the depression factor from your life. A natural drug. I might sound like bullshit, but it give it one chance.