Hallie
October 17th, 2013, 09:08 PM
I know my parents don't care about anything but my grades, so they're already out of the question. Every conversation ends with "Try harder in school," even though I'm trying my best. When I cry (which is a lot because I always feel tired and frustrated and hopeless and useless), they just tell me to shut up. They say things like "How can you be such an idiot all the time?" And it really hurts me because I already have low self esteem.
I have never had a true friend, which I didn't realize until last year, because I had never had a real friend, so I never knew what it was like to have one. Every friend I ever had either betrayed my trust, said hateful things behind my back, and/or put me down to make themselves feel better.
As of now, the pain of loneliness is starting to be too much for me to handle. I cut myself for the first time about a year ago and I'm still cutting because feeling physical pain makes my emotional pain seem not as bad if only for a few moments. tried my best to keep it a secret, but deep down I really wanted someone to notice and hug me tight without saying a word. Two people know, and not because I told them, because they are also self harmers and they figured it out. I've convinced one of them that I'm not cutting anymore and the other won't help me. He tells me he loves me very much and that he cares, but when I was about to self harm last weekend I texted him urgently saying: Help me. Talk to me. I don't want to hurt myself again.
He never responded. He never responds to any of my texts. at school, he avoided me. That night, I cut myself just because of him, because I thought he actually cared about me. I'm so stupid! Why am I such an idiot! My parents are so right! I'm just not worthy of love. And all of those people who say "hey, there is always someone who cares," Well I think that's BULLSHIT. No one gives a damn about me, and no one ever will, so why do I even try?
Sometimes, I fantasize about killing myself and I imagine peoples' reactions. They will all be sorry when I'm gone. They will be sorry that they didn't do anything to stop me.
I have never had a true friend, which I didn't realize until last year, because I had never had a real friend, so I never knew what it was like to have one. Every friend I ever had either betrayed my trust, said hateful things behind my back, and/or put me down to make themselves feel better.
As of now, the pain of loneliness is starting to be too much for me to handle. I cut myself for the first time about a year ago and I'm still cutting because feeling physical pain makes my emotional pain seem not as bad if only for a few moments. tried my best to keep it a secret, but deep down I really wanted someone to notice and hug me tight without saying a word. Two people know, and not because I told them, because they are also self harmers and they figured it out. I've convinced one of them that I'm not cutting anymore and the other won't help me. He tells me he loves me very much and that he cares, but when I was about to self harm last weekend I texted him urgently saying: Help me. Talk to me. I don't want to hurt myself again.
He never responded. He never responds to any of my texts. at school, he avoided me. That night, I cut myself just because of him, because I thought he actually cared about me. I'm so stupid! Why am I such an idiot! My parents are so right! I'm just not worthy of love. And all of those people who say "hey, there is always someone who cares," Well I think that's BULLSHIT. No one gives a damn about me, and no one ever will, so why do I even try?
Sometimes, I fantasize about killing myself and I imagine peoples' reactions. They will all be sorry when I'm gone. They will be sorry that they didn't do anything to stop me.