Jokes and Riddles

[Dante]

Mix Up at the Hospit


This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change.

All of the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.

Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.

"Oh no!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"

"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all."

[TheWizard]

lol

[Skittle Flavored]

how do u get 4 gay guys to go 2 a bar?

flip the barstool around

[Kiros]

lol dante, but howd u post a sticky??? O_O

[Dante]

i didnt post a sticky, im wondering my self

[Dante]

Transplant


A man comes to the doctor and says, "m-m-m-my d-d-dick is so pressurized that I st-st-stutter."

The doctor tells him he will give him a dick transplant. He loses his 3-foot-long dick for a 4-inch-long dick.

He comes back in a week and says, "Now my wife wont have sex with me. May I have the old one back?"

The doctor replies... "A d-d-d-deal's a d-d-d-deal."

[AC.wAkeBoArDin.06]

hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

[Skittle Flavored]

LOL!!!

a guy was going on a buisness trip, so he bought his wife a dildo so she wont have any sex with any1 else. it was an acient egyption dildo and listened 2 commands. he told her to say whatever she wanted it in, just say it. he left and she said "pussy" so the dildo went to her pussy, but her husband never told her how 2 get it out. so she drove 2 the hospital and got pulled over. she said "let me go please! i have a dildo in my pussy," the cop said "my ass!!" :D :D :D

[boognish]

i get it, funny

[Dante]

MUSTARD

Monica went to the dry cleaners and said," Excuse me, I wold like to get my dress cleaned."
And the little old man was barely able to hear her and said,"What did you say?"
She replied,"I would like to get my dress cleaned sir."
And the old man still could not hear her and said,"Come again?"
She replied."
No, Mustard."


WHAT TIME IS IT

BLONDE: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?"

MAN: "It's 3:15."

BLONDE: (puzzled look) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."

[Skittle Flavored]

LOL!!!!!

this teenager wants 2 have sex, but he shares a bunkbed with his little brother. so he tells his girlfriend that if she wants it softer say musterd, if she wants it harder, say ketchup. so shes like " ketchup! musterd! ketchup! musterd!" and the little brother says" can u stop making sandwiches up there? ur getting mayonase all over me!"

[soadnation]

a couple are having dinner when a rober comes in and tise therm both up. he goes and wispers in the womens ear and then goes to the bathroom

the husband told his wife that the guy probly hasnt had sex in years and to be strong

wife"he told me he weas gay. be strong honey"


i read this on a pb website so its not exactly right

[Whisper]

LOL!!!!!

this teenager wants 2 have sex, but he shares a bunkbed with his little brother. so he tells his girlfriend that if she wants it softer say musterd, if she wants it harder, say ketchup. so shes like " ketchup! musterd! ketchup! musterd!" and the little brother says" can u stop making sandwiches up there? ur getting mayonase all over me!"

LOL!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

Good one soadnation :D :lol: :lol:

[soadnation]

hhahahaha

[Dante]

THATS HARD!


A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question, but as he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both startled and he says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'

She replies, 'if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221.'



Helping Your Co-Work


Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog.

When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!"

[Dante]

Give Up Drugs


Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever," he said.

"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" the judge asked.

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: -- O o -- and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?" he asked the second guy.

"Well, your honor, I persuaded one hundred fifty six people to give up drugs forever," he said.

"That many people! How amazing! How did you manage to do that!" the judge asked.

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'this is your anus before prison,'" he said.

[soadnation]

hahaha. :P we need a better laughing smiley

[Dante]

yea we do

[Skittle Flavored]

Give Up Drugs


Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever," he said.

"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" the judge asked.

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: -- O o -- and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?" he asked the second guy.

"Well, your honor, I persuaded one hundred fifty six people to give up drugs forever," he said.

"That many people! How amazing! How did you manage to do that!" the judge asked.

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'this is your anus before prison,'" he said.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! ROLF! LMAO!!! :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin:

[Skittle Flavored]

THATS HARD!


A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question, but as he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both startled and he says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'

She replies, 'if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221.'



Helping Your Co-Work


Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog.

When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!

[boognish]

:lol: i'll tell you lies :wink:

[Dante]

Bragging


A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "And this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

[Skittle Flavored]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! thats great.....

[Dante]

Two men on the beach


Two men,one a brunette and the other a blonde,were comparing their luck picking up girls at the beach. The brunette guy says, "what works for me is this : go to a grocery store, buy a potato and put it in your swim trunk."

The blonde guy thanks him and spends the next 5 hours roaming the beach with a potato in his swim trunks - with no luck. He says to his brunette friend that he DID put a potato in his swim trunks and had no luck. The brunette guy says to the blonde guy, "you ass-hole! The potato goes in the FRONT of your trunks, not the back!!!"

[Dante]

Naked black men


An exquisite painting entitled "Home for Lunch" was on display in a Pennsylvania art gallery.

It depicted three naked, very black men sitting on a park bench.

What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.

Two women were staring at the painting, trying to figure it out. The artist noticed their confusion.

The artist asked, "Can I help you with this painting?"

One woman replied, "We were curious about the painting of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?"

"I'm afraid you've misinterpreted the painting," the artist explained. "The three men are not African-Americans. They are Pennsylvania coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went 'Home for Lunch.' "

[Stex]

There was a bus going to Cleveland and there was a nun in it. The bus stopped to pick up a guy, and he was a hippy. The hippy sat next to the nun and said, "Hey baby want to have sex with me?" The nun slapped him across the face.

Well as the hippy got off at his bus stop, the bus driver said, "Hey I see that nun praying every night at that cemetery over there, if you go there dressed as God you could probably get her to have sex with you."

The hippy said thanks and got off the bus, then got dressed up like God with the robes and cream and powder and hid behind a grave in the graveyard. Well just as the bus driver said, the nun came to pray at around six thirty. The Hippy popped out from behind the grave and said, "I am God!"

The nun said, "Oh great and powerful one what can I do for you?"

The hippy said, "You must have sex with me."

So she did. Then the hippy jumped up and said, "Haha I am the hippy!"

And the nun jumped up and said, "Haha I am the bus driver!"

[soadnation]

haha lol thats a good one

[soadnation]

Mating Bulls

A man takes his wife to the live stock show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall states: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!"

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was the same old cow every day."


List of Short Books


1) A Guide to Arab Democracies
2) A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman
3) Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
4) Career Opportunities for History Majors
5) Contraception by Pope John Paul II
6) Detroit - A Travel Guide
7) Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
8) Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
9) Easy UNIX
10) Bulgarian Tips on World Dominance
11) Everything Men Know About Women
12) French Hospitality
13) Bob Dole: The Wild Years
14) How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
15) Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
17) Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
18) Popular Lawyers
19) Staple Your Way to Success
20) The Amish Phone Book

[Dante]

Amnesia definition


Amnesia: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

[Kiros]

BLONDE STAR - Always there, because you're always blonde.

[AC.wAkeBoArDin.06]

Give Up Drugs


Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever," he said.

"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" the judge asked.

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: -- O o -- and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?" he asked the second guy.

"Well, your honor, I persuaded one hundred fifty six people to give up drugs forever," he said.

"That many people! How amazing! How did you manage to do that!" the judge asked.

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'this is your anus before prison,'" he said.



HOLY SH** I FELL OF MY CHAIR LAUGHING SO HARD

[Dante]

Do it again


One misty Scottish morning a man was driving through the hills to Inverness.

Suddenly out of the mist, a huge red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. He's built like a wardrobe and despite the wind and near-freezing temperatures, is only wearing a kilt and a tweed shirt.

At the roadside there also stands a beautiful young woman, slim, shapely, a heart stopper.

The driver's attention is drawn from the woman when the highlander opens the car door and drags the man onto the road.

"Right, you," shouts the highlander, "I want you to masturbate."

"But...." stammers the driver. "Now.... or I'll bloody kill you."

So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this only takes a few seconds.

"Right," says the highlander, "Do it again!"

"But...." stammers the driver.

"Now! yells the highlander.

So the driver pulls himself off again.

"Right, do it again," demands the highlander. This goes on for nearly two hours.

The poor man has cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw and despite the icy wind, has collapsed in a sweating, gibbering heap on the ground.

"Do it again," says the highlander.

"I can't," whimpers the driver. "You'll just have to kill me."

The highlander looks down at this pathetic wreck of a man slumped at his feet.

"All right," he says, "NOW you can give my daughter a lift into Inverness"

[Kiros]

LMAO! Holy poo thats funny! :D Nice one Dante

[soadnation]

i was wondering where it was going with him masterbat.iong for 2 hors

[Dante]

i dont get it!
read it again carefully

[Kiros]

its funny b/c the highlander wants him to masturbate enough to where he wont have a single thought of having sex with his daughter :P
LOL i cant believe that, who came up with it?

[Skittle Flavored]

LOL!!!

[Kiros]

I got 1, but It's called the Voodoo Dildo, so it might not be friendly to all :P

[Kiros]

LMAO!
Now thats funny!

[Skittle Flavored]

uhh...like what do u mean?

[Skittle Flavored]

no i get it...i just didnt see page 3...

Kiros72 Posted: Mon Oct 11, 2004 2:48 am Post subject:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I got 1, but It's called the Voodoo Dildo, so it might not be friendly to all


i was asking about this...sorry...

[Dante]

No fee


A man suspected his young wife of being too friendly with another man, so he hired a famous Chinese detective, Won Lo Pan, to watch and report any activities that might develop.

A few days later he received this report: Honorable Sir, You leave house.

I watch house.

He come to house I watch.

He and she leave house.

I follow.

He and she get on train.

I follow.

He and she get off train.

I follow.

He and she go in hotel.

I climb tree, look in window.

He kiss she.

She kiss he.

He strip she.

She strip he.

He play with she.

She play with he.

I play with me.

Fall out of tree.

No see. No fee.

Thank you. Won Lo Pan

[Skittle Flavored]

LOL!!!

[boognish]

maybe this shouldnt be a sticky, not because it isny popular, but it makes no sence as a sticky

[Skittle Flavored]

just do whatever....

[Dante]

I think we should leave it as a joke sticky, i think i should have a say, since it was my idea to create it.

[Dante]

Test results


There was a man who just had been bashed up outside a night club,when he awoke he was in hospital with tubes in his arms and an oxygen mask on.

Just then a hot looking nurse came in and started to check his IV and tubes in his arms.

Then he moaned, "ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK?"

"Pardon?" said the nurse.

"ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK?"

"Sorry," she said. "I'm not qualified to check that."

Again he says, "ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK?"

Feeling sorry for him she says OK she'll check.

She picks them up and examines them and his penis then covers them up.

"Nope," she says, "there all OK".

He slowly reaches up takes off his oxygen mask and says, "THAT WAS VERY NICE DEAR BUT ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?"

[Dante]

Hotel Hell


Three men are on a road trip when they pull over to stay at a hotel that they see.

They go in and see the lady who apparently runs the joint and they ask her for a vacant room.

She replied, "Sure, but only if you DON'T go into the basement!"

The men agree and she gives them a room.

That night, the men are so curious that they sneak into the basement, only to find that it's full of chopped off dicks!

The woman that runs the place sees them and says, "Okay, now I'm going to have to add you all to my collection."

She asks the first man, "What does your father do for a living?"

He says, "Well, my dad is in the lawn mowing business."

So the woman finds a lawn mower and off goes his dick.

The woman asks the second man, "What does your father do for a living?"

He replies in tears, "My dad is in the tool supply industry."

So she finds a saw and off does his dick.

The woman then turns to the third guy only to see that he is laughing hysterically. "Why the hell are you laughing? Don't you know what's going to happen to you?"

He smiles and says, "Yeah, my dad is in the lollipop business, you're gonna hafta suck mine off!"

[AC.wAkeBoArDin.06]

nice

[Dante]

The 1st affair


A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8.00 p.m.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8.00 p.m."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!"



The 2nd affair


There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally became pregnant, and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.

The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time"!



The 3rd affair


A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwarz is dead!"


The 4th affair


A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly Sir, that'll be 1 cent".

"ONE CENT?" exclaimed the man.

The barman replied "Yes".

So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas and a fried egg?"

"Certainly, Sir" replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the man. "4 cents" he replied.

"FOUR CENTS?" exclaims the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "The same thing I'm doing to his business!!"

[TheWizard]

:)

[Skittle Flavored]

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG THATS FUNNY!


*im kinda making fun of blonds, but i aint a blond basher...so please dont take this the wrong way*

a brunet and 2 red heads were at the side walk watching a perade(i cant spell..) and were screaming "45 45 45!" a guy walked up and says "why are u saying 45?" the brunet says "just wait..." when she said that a blond walks in the middle of the perade and gets killed by a truck. then they say "46 46 46!"

[Dante]

Somebody coming


A guy moves into an apartment complex.

He's putting his name on his mailbox when he hears a door open in the hall.

He glances towards the door and sees a gorgeous woman dressed only in a bathrobe come out.

He tries not to look at her as she gets her mail, but she engages him in conversation.

As they talk she turns to look down the hall and her robe opens slightly and he notices she is wearing only the robe.

They talk a little more, and she says, "Shhh, I think I hear somebody coming. Could we continue this conversation in my apartment?" He agrees to this.

As they talk in her apartment, she moves and her robe falls to the floor and he gets a good eyeful.

She then says, "Now that you've had a good look, what do you think is the best part of my body?"

He says, "Your ears."

She is downright speechless but finally replies, "My ears? Look at these breasts, look at this butt, look at my pussy. How can you say my ears?"

He replied, "Remember in the hall when you said you heard somebody coming?

That was me!"

[AC.wAkeBoArDin.06]

Hahahahah nice :banana2:

[Skittle Flavored]

hehe....a guy walks into a bar...and says oww.....ok...bad joke..lets see....oh yea!

the leprechaun! (in which i cant spell)

this leprechaun walks into a bar, orders a drink and chugs it down. when he is finished, he spits into the bartenders face...the bartender gets kinda mad,but lets it go...next day! the leprechaun walks in again...orders 2 drinks, chugs them down and spits into the bartenders face...the bartender grabs the leprechaun and says " if u do that 1 more time, ill cut off ur dick!" he lets the leprechaun go and it leaves...next day! the leprechaunwalks in again and orders 3 drinks! chugs them down and spits into the bartenders face....the bartender gets really mad, grabs a butcher knife and throws down the leprechaun's pants....there is no dick! "wait...how do u pee?" the leprechaun spits in his face.

[Dante]

Laid


What did the egg say to the boiling water?

"It might take me a while to get hard, I just got laid last night."

[Skittle Flavored]

thats hella messed...yet funny...

[Skittle Flavored]

this guy...he he goes 2 a witch docter. then he ask the witch docter "i have a 15 inch dick and no woman wants 2 sleep with me...how do i make it smaller?" the witch docters says "there is a frog in the swamp....if u ask him 2 kiss u and he says no, it will shrink a little..." "THANKS!" replied the man and ran off. when he found the frog he said "mr. frog, will u kiss me?" the frog crocked "no" his dick shrinked down 2 12 inches "wow! mr. frog, will u kiss me?" "no" the frog crocked. it shrank down 2 9 inches "WOW! its a mirical! i think 6 inches will be best. mr. frog, will u kiss me?" the frog said in a normal voice "HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE 2 TELL U!? NO NO NO!"

[Dante]

lol lol lol lol, that is messed up

[Dante]

i would of settled with 9

[Dante]

lol

Anniversary gift


After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it, to find a book entitled, "The Meaning of Dreams."

[Skittle Flavored]

lol!!!!

[Kiros]

lmao!

[Dante]

Man my life sucks


A cucumber, pickle and a penis were all sitting around one day talking about how much their lives sucked.

The cucumber said, "Man my life sucks. Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad."

So the pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me, and sticks me in a jar."

The penis glared at both of them and said, " You guys think you have it rough? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, someone puts a rubber tarp over my head, sticks me in a dark room, and bangs my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out.

[TheWizard]

lol :bigsmile:

[Skittle Flavored]

lol, thats funny, i told people at school that and they laughed their faces off...

[Skittle Flavored]

uhh we are kinda off topic here...and i dont know anymore jokes...ill go find somemore...

[Dante]

Love thy teacher

A boy comes home from school one day and excitedly tells his father,
“Guess what? I had sex with my teacher today!”



The father smiles and says, “I’m proud of you, son.



You’re a bit young, but the day a man loses his virginity is a day to
celebrate.



I’ll take you out for a fancy dinner, then I’ll buy you a new bicycle!”



“Dinner sounds great, Dad,” the son replies, “but can we hold off on the
bike?



My butt is still a little sore.”

[Skittle Flavored]

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!! thats just wrong....

[Dante]

i know but its funny

[Whisper]

k nope it is

[Kiros]

AH!
I smell something...
-sniff-
HEY! What smells like blue?

:hug2: I love that 1!

[Skittle Flavored]

uhhhmmm, o-kay then...

[Dante]

Brace yourself


Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.

Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan.

They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

[Skittle Flavored]

see, thats why you have 700 posts...becuase of posts like that...

no, i have over 700 posts because i like 2 help people and not critisize others...thats y kevin, thats y...

[Dante]

guys stop arguing

[Skittle Flavored]

kevin! go 2 my diary please, we could fight there...and 2...remember, what goes around, comes around...anyway...





Questions Not To Ask In Foreign Lands

By
Gerhard Reinke
IRELAND
“Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk?
This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it?”

FRANCE
“Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that?
Aren’t the French just Germans who can make sauces?”

ITALY
“Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus?
I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O’s! ”

POLAND
“Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs?”

GERMANY
“Is this bratwurst kosher?”

TURKEY
“Where’s the hash at?
It’s cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds?”

KOREA
“Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?”

CHINA
“This wall isn’t so great.”

ENGLAND
“Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick?”

SWEDEN
“Do you have any normal meatballs?
Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?”

YEMEN
“Yemen? That’s a stupid name for a country. What’s it mean -- ‘Land Of Fanatics And Dust' ?”

INDIA
“You don’t live in teepees?
Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?”

ETHIOPIA
“After a long day of travel, I’m famished. Hey – those flies sure love your pregnant son!”

CANADA
“You’re like Americans without money.”

SPAIN
“So, this is the country that’s not Portugal? Wow.
Your women can shave if they want to, right?
Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos?”

SOUTH AFRICA
“I liked it better the other way.”

MEXICO
“What's that smell?”

SAUDI ARABIA
“Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car?
Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what?”

RUSSIA
“Is it always this cold and economically devastated?”

UZBEKISTAN
“Can you spell Uzbekistan?”

GREECE
“I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy."

AFGHANISTAN
“Seriously, where is the real country… where is everything?”

JAPAN
“What’s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?”

AUSTRALIA
“How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?”

AMERICA
“Was John Wayne gay?”

^this is SO wrong, but this was from joke.com...SO WRONG!!!

[Dante]

that is so wrong,lol

[AC.wAkeBoArDin.06]

very funny....i like

[Dante]

3 men in Saudi


An American, a Dutchman and a Frenchman are in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze.

Then Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia.

For the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished.

The extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each with a whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Dutchman in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back."

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.

The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the American replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

The American replied: "Tie the Frenchman to my back."

[Cpt.Fuzzle]

okay i saw this and i thought it was funny, its sorta of dirty. dont take it like " ooo hes such a perv" lol honestly i try to avoid even thinking of sex whenever possible or thoughts of that sort. thnks and enjoy
Expensive peep show

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers. "Hi, is Tony home?" "No, he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No come in." They sit down and the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Sara thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Sara thinks about this and says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

[boognish]

a german guy goes to american hick country. he pulls up to 2 hicks sitting on a truck. he ask if you speak french(in french) if you speak greman(in german) and if they spoke spanish (in spanish). the hicks just look at him blankly, he angerly drives off. the hicks turn to each other and one says maybe we should learn another language. the other says, that guy new 3 fine languages and it did him no good, so why shiould we?

a german guy walks into a mcdonalds. he gets to the counter and orders a beer. the cashier says im sorry we dont sell beer here in america. he then says "you mean you people actually come here for the food?!?!"

[Dante]

Drowning


One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level.

He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a few minutes later.

The diver went down another 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, "How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!"

[Dante]

On sale now!


A man went into a store and began looking around.

He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them.

He asked the sales person "How much are the washer and dryer?"

"Five dollars for both of them," the salesman said.

"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man replied sarcastically.

"No, that's the price," the salesman said, "do you want to buy them or not?"

"Yeah, I'll take them!" the customer responded.

He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers.

"How much?" he asked.

"Five dollars for the system," the salesman answered.

"Is it stolen?" the guy asks.

"No," said the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"

"Sure," the customer replied. He looked around some more.

Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?"

"Five dollars," was the familiar response.

"I'll take that too!" the man said.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him, "Why are your prices so cheap?"

The salesman said, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife. What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!"

[Dante]

What do you get when you mix a dinosaur and a lesbian?

A lickalotapuss.

[Dante]

Parrot


A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help.

The store he entered specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet.

Surprised, he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"

The parrot says, "With my penis, you dummy."

The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot."

The parrot says, "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."

The guy says, "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."

The parrot says, "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me, I'll bet he'll sell me."

The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Bush said this, the A's won, the Giants lost, the Pope did so and so.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door."

The guy says, "What's up?"

The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."

The guy says, "Oh, a momentary flight of passion."

The parrot says, "Well, maybe, but then he fondled her breasts."

The guy says, "He did??"

The parrot says, "Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts."

The guy says, "My God, what happened next!?"

The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

[Dante]

i know that one is really funny

[Dante]

hahaha i know

[Dante]

Father Goodwin


A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession: "Today I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Goodwim came to me and told me that I had the gates to Heaven here between my legs. Then he said that he had the key to Heaven, and he put it in the gates."

"BASTARD!" cried the Mother Superior. "For years he told me it was Gabriel's trumpet and I have been blowing it."

[boognish]

Crazed and creepy vt member, here is a joke for all to enjoy:



ical didnt i coin this phrase? its mine i copy righted it see: ical (copyrighted by max inc.) see, see that right there its mine all mine, stop using it.

[Whisper]

Kevin don't do that it's spam just edit a post

[Dante]

Good bad & the ugly


Good: You're pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Good: Your husband is not talking to you.
Bad: He wants a divorce.
Ugly: He's a lawyer.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!

[Dante]

What do you call two cannibals having oral sex?

Trust.

[Waiting]

they have to trust each other not to bite

[boognish]

that was funny.

[Dante]

lol

[Dante]

Farmer's wife


So one night, the farmer gets drunk. He grabs his wife's tits and says, "If these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows."

He grabs her butt and says, "If this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."

The wife grabs the farmer's dick and says, "And if this stayed hard, we could get rid of your brother."

[Dante]

Care to go upstairs?


A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

[Dante]

Day at the gym


Subject: a day at the gym


Dear Diary,



For my forty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 20 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.


MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am.

Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit.

I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, l though my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It 's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?

Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader.

If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I
don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**[email protected]*@. Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadistic school you attended
and graduated magna cumlaude from.)

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even
use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy.

[Dante]

Where did Pilgrims land when they arrived in America?

[Dante]

yep

[Dante]

That dirty!


Sue and Jane are shopping together at the supermarket.

When they get to the vegetables, Sue hefts a good sized potato in each hand and says, "You know, Jane, these remind me of John's balls."

Jane, impressed says, "Hmm, that big, huh?"

"No", Sue answers. "That dirty."

[Dante]

Complete coverage


Two men are in a doctor's office.

Each of them are to get a vasectomy...the nurse comes into the room and tells both men, "Strip and put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done."

A few minutes later she returns and reaches into one man's gown and proceeds to fondle and ultimately begins to masturbate him.

Shocked as he was, he asks "Why are you doing that?"

To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure."

The man not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to complete her task.

After she is through, she proceeds to the next man.. She starts to fondle the man as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give him oral sex.

The first man seeing this quickly responds, "Hey! Why is it that I get masturbated and he gets a blow job?"

The nurse simply replies, "Sir, there is a difference between HMO and Complete Coverage.

[Anonymous]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

*gasp*

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[Dante]

A husband comes home with a half-gallon of ice cream and asks his wife if she wants some.

"How hard is it?" she asks.

"About as hard as my dick," he replies.

"OK, then pour me some!"

[Whisper]

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.

One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual
exhaustion?" and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

[Whisper]

Oops :oops: sorry!

[Whisper]

I have no Idea if this is already in here but its freakin hillarious so I have ta post it:

A brunette, a red head, and a blonde were having a very
interesting conversation and it got around to their daughters.

The brunette said, "I went in my daughter's room the other day
and found a pack of ciggarettes, I didn't even know she smoked!"

The red head said, "I went in my daughter's room and found a
half-empty bottle of vodka! I didn't even know she drank!"

Then the blonde burst out and said, "I went in my daughter's
room and found a pack of condoms, half-empty, I didn't even know
she had a penis!"

[Dante]

lol

[LiveStrong]

lol..

[Chrono]

Hahaha Awesome, I love jokes, I have sooo many, well lets start, this'll take a while.

The Misdirected Vacation E-Mail:


An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel in Florida, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE:

JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.

P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.






Haircut Story


The story of someone getting a haircut.

Women's version:

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:

Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.






Stupid people fearing

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.

He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.



Carpet

A guy (we'll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet in some woman's home. As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette. Aaron looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing. He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet, and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there. Aaron decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it into the ground so no one would know.

When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done.

''Aaron, The carpet lookes wonderful!'' she exclaimed. ''Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, and by the way, have you seen my gerbil?''

What does Michael Jackson and a Big Mac have in common? They
both like to put their meat between twelve year old buns

---------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------
THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO A COP
1. I can''t reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn''t realize my radar detector wasn''t
plugged in.
3.Aren''t you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must''ve been doin'' about 125 mph to keep up with
me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical
condition to be a police officer.
7. You''re not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That''s terrific. The last officer only gave
me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there
are no other cars around. That''s how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have
you been drinking?" You probably shouldn''t respond with,"Gee
Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
---------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------

Speeding Ticket
For the next time you find yourself in that frustrating position...
While I was "flying" down the road yesterday (i.e. 4 mph over
the limit),I passed over a bridge only to find cop with a
radar gun on the other side laying in wait.

The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that
classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's
your hurry?" To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The cop was stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher?

And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work
my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my
whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands
in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6
footwide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and
park him behind a bridge....."

---------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------

little anthony

Little Anthony''s next door neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born with no ears. When they
arrived home from the hospital, the new parents invited
Anthony''s family over to see the new baby.Anthony''s parents
were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say
about the baby. So, Anthony''s dad had a long talk with him
before going to the neighbors.
He said, "Now son, that poor baby was born without any ears. I
want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word
about his ears, or I''m really going to spank your butt when
we get back home."

"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Anthony. At
the neighbors home Anthony leaned over the crib and touched
the baby''s hand. He looked at it''s mother and said, "Oh what
a beautiful little baby!" The mother, who had braced herself
for Anthony''s comment, was pleasantly surprised and said,
"Thank you very much Anthony." He then said, "This baby has
perfect little hands, and perfect little feet. Why just look
at his pretty little eyes... Did the doctor say he can see good?"

The mother said a bit bewildered, "Why yes... the doctor said
he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"

Anthony said, "Well, it''s a fucking good thing because he
sure as hell can''t wear glasses!!

[Chrono]

I gots a few more

Leaving The Toilet Seat Up

Response to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom:

Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what we were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around -- just so I'll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall (because all the urinals are being used), take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to pee all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.

After being married 28 years, my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man -- standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise, if she goes to the toilet one more time at night and either sits on a pee-soaked toilet seat, or falls right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she's going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem and you ladies need to be more understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood."

Most mornings we guys wake up with two things: a tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim.

Well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to pee all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet. And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the stupid toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to achieve that perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe.

I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her, "Look, it won't bend." She said, "Sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood."

Well, it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage to do it, I had peed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You pee all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you women keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position by simply laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.

It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature. Now, if it was Father Nature... there wouldn't have been a problem!!!


In the garage

There was a little boy and a little girl playing in the sandbox in the park, they were playing and they decided to take off their pants.

The little boy points at the little girl's vagina and says "What's that?!" and the little girl says "I don't know I'll ask my mommy."

Before she left she pointed at the boy's penis and said "What's That?!" and the little boy said, "I don't know, I'll ask my daddy."

So the boy goes up to his dad and points at his penis and says "Dad, what's this?" and the dad says "That's your car, you want to try your hardest to park your car in the girl's garage."

The little girl asks her mom, "Mommy, what's this?" and the mom says "Honey, that's your garage. NEVER let a boy park his car in your garage!"

So the little kids start playing again and ten minutes later the little girl comes back with blood all over her hands.

The mom says "HONEY! What Happened?!?!"

and the girl says "The little boy tried to park his car in my garage so I ripped off his two back wheels."



The Rabbit and the Bear

A Rabbit and a bear were traveling through the forest and they came across a fairy.

The fairy says "I'll grant each of you three wishes" and the bear and rabbit were thinking AWESOME

So the bear says, "I'll go first... I wish all the bears in this forest were girls... except me" So the fairy grants the wish.

The rabbit goes next and says, "I wish i had an awesome motorcycle" So the fairy grants the wish.

The bear goes again and says, "Hmmm.... I wish all the bear in this country were girls... except me." So the fairy grants the wish.

The rabbit goes again and says "I wish I had a helmet to go with my motorcycle." So the wish was granted and he got his helmet.

The bear goes again and says, "You know what? I wish all the bears in the world were girls, except me!" So the fairy grants the wish.

The rabbit goes and says, "I wish this bear was gay, then drives off on his motorcycle."

[mrbean]

There's this man, Jorj. He just got out of the shower, and decides to shave with a really sharp knife. The knife slips and cuts off his dick. The dick rolls out the door and down the street where two men were painting. The dick rolls through the green paint and stops in front of a pickle store. The owner picks it up, washes it up, and puts it in a jar. Later, and old lady comes by and byes the jar. The next day, the lady comes back and says, "Those pickles were good. I especially liked the big hairy one.

[Dante]

i didnt really think that was funny

[mrbean]

it was from my brother
its really gross

[Dante]

Almost caught


A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss.

She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day.

In the morning, the brunette says: "That was fun, we should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

[mrbean]

Teeheehee

[Dante]

One shot


A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle.

He goes to a gun shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.

The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.

"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.

"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house," the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house.

Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."

The man takes another look through the scope, and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

[Ravenous]

lol most of those jokes are really good, ive got loads of jokes and riddles cba to say any of them cos theyres already way enough!

[Dante]

Real Life Cybersex
---------------------

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse and a miniskirt and high heels. My measurements are 36-24-36. I work out every day. I'm toned and perfect. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweatpants I just bought at Walmart. I am also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner - it smells a little funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK.

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping. I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and I accidently rip a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back and undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your spit off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweatpants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out, nibbling on your ... umm ... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed, aching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark. I'm lost. Where's the bedroom.

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tugging off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked bodies pressing against each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off you glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom. It's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my ... you know ... thing ... in your ... you know ... woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide it in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around, an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet, nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

[Dante]

omg, when I was reading it, i couldn't stop laughing.

[Anonymous]

wow there all so funny

[Dante]

One day a man gets a call from a doctor telling him that his wife has been in a very bad car crash. The doctor goes on to tell him that he will have to feed her, wash her, and change her. The man is very upset and is about to cry when the doctor says " i'm just joking with you, your wife is dead!"

[Dante]

i think that is one of the funniest jokes ever.

[Dante]

whats the point of posting that.

[Dante]

Just reading

A married couple is lying in bed one night.

The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits.

He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.

The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him.

The husband is confused and asks, Why are you taking off your clothes?

His wife replies, You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay.

The husband says, No, not at all.

His wife asks angrily, Well, what the hell were you doing then?

I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.

[Julio caesar shavez the 4]

go to the like its not porn lol http://virtualteen.org/forum/viewtopic.php?t=5992&postdays=0&postorder=asc&vote=viewresult

[Dante]

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

[serial-thrilla]

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one." haha thats good.

[Dante]

Q. What the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?

A. Acne doesn't come on your face until you're about fifteen.

[Chrono]

oh....... Slam...... nice one lol

[kevin]

ok here's one from the car ride home from practice with all my friends, we were acting stupid


ME: Is it getting good looking in here or is it just me!

[Dante]

.........................

[xboxaddict_91]

Q:What is the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?
A: Acne waits until a boy is 13 to come all over their face :banana2:

[Ravenous]

Q:What is the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?
A: Acne waits until a boy is 13 to come all over their face :banana2:
this was posted about 3 posts up :P dont steal other peoples jokes, also he posted a topic for this in the WPR

[Dante]

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Johns' sexual orientation and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mark and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Mark came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Mark, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Mark. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

[Whisper]

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Ravenous]

Thats a gden :P

[Anonymous]

that was HILARIOUS!! how did ponochio find out that he was made of wood?
his hand cought on fire!(masturbating)

[Dante]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[Ravenous]

!!! Thats ace :D

[Kiros]

okokok... what did the big tree say to the little tree?

(seriously, im asking... i dont know the answer to this)

[serial-thrilla]

uh.. ha..ha?

[Kiros]

doesnt anyone know the answer to it? my geometry teacher asked us and no one has gotten it yet...

[Chrono]

doesnt anyone know the answer to it? my geometry teacher asked us and no one has gotten it yet...

You're too young to have roots.

[ScotsGirl]

Ok, i've got a really funny one:

Whats blue and fluffy? ......blue fluff! - just kidding that was only there so the rest seem funnier j/k :D

Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money. :D

Q. What does a women do with her ass in the morning???
A. She makes him a sandwich and sends him to work....

Ok, i've got more :D :

More gay banter.....
Four men got together at a reunion. All of them had sons and they started discussing them.
The first man said his son was doing so well, he now owned a factory, manufacturing furniture. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a whole house full of brand new furniture.
The second man said his son was doing just as well. He was a manager at a car sales firm. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a Ferrari.
The third man said his was doing well too. He was a manager at a bank. Why,just the other day he gave his best friend a the money to buy a house.
The fourth man just shook his head. He said his son was gay and hadn't amounted to much. But he must be doing something right because, just the other day he was given a house, furniture and a Ferrari by his friends!

A little known Christmas fact....

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress!

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree?
Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

:D If some of these have already been posted...im sorry :D .

[boognish]

heres a good one, whats brown and sticky?

a stick

[Ravenous]

Why is a bad joke like a blunt pencil?

It has no point
Three blondes walk into a bar...

you would think one of them would notice it

how do you know when a blondes been on the computer?

Theres tippex on the screen and cheese next to the mouce


Sorry if this causes any offense to anyone *not intended*

[ScotsGirl]

hahaha! its ok im a brunette lol :D

xxx

[boognish]

what do you call a smart blonde? a brunette in disguise

what do you call a dumb brunette? a blonde is disquise

what do you call a blonde standing on her head? a brunette with bad breath

a smart blond, santa claus, and brunette are all in an elevator. there is a 20 on the floor, who picks it up? the brunette, cause the first 2 dont exist

[Kiros]

lol thats good... but yeah, unless there are no blondes on this site, or they all OK it, then lets go easy on the blonde jokes and try stickin to somethin different...

[<-Dying_to_Live->]

http://img79.exs.cx/img79/5962/what9mt.jpg

[Chrono]

Hey Kiros, was that the answer to your riddle?

[ScotsGirl]

What do Michael Jackson and a grocrey bag have in common?

Both are made of plastic and are dangerous for young children to play with.

:D xxx

[Ravenous]

lol thats a good one :D I love michael jackson jokes cos they are sooooo good

[boognish]

i hope nobody posted this but:

a kid asking questions:
k: dad, is god black or white?
d: he is both son
K: dad, is god a boy or a girl?
d: he is both son
k: is god micheal jackson?


A valentines treat:

k: dad since we are jewish do you think god would be mad if i gave someone a valentine?

d: im sure he would be just fine, who do you want to give it to?

k: osama bin ladin.

d: why do you want to do that??

k: well if i give him one, more people might and he might come out and say how sorry he was for what he did.

d: *tear in eye cause of kids compasion* well son, im sure god would be happy if you gave him a valentine

k: yeah, then when he gets out in the open the marines can shoot the hell out of him


Email mistake

a man bob bobbinson was taking a trip to arizona. now he isnt very technolgically capable. he was sending his wife an email saying he landed safely. but acedentally sent the message to a widowed nun named bobinsing. well the nun had been common law married to a preist. the priest had recently died, the day before in fact. when she opened the mail she screamed and passed out. when she woke up she pointed a the computer and vowed to leave the house of god. the email read: hi hon, i made it safe and sound. no troubles, but its hot as hell down here....


Holy Water power:

a priest was walking along and he saw a kid playing with tarnish. the priest asked the kid, what are you doing? the kid replyed "playing with the most magical liquid in the world" the priest said, holy water is stronger, if rubbed on a pregnant woman the babe will be born with out defect or problems. the boy smiled and said, rub some of this on a cats behind and he'll have a motercycle.

Priest and the boys

a priest walked by a bunch of kids talking about sex. the priest asked them, what in gods name are you boys doing? the boys said, we're havin a contest, who can say the most outragous sex lie. the priest looked at them with a stern face and said, why are you doing that, why when i was your age i never thought of sex. the boys started jumping up and down screaming, you win you win.

thats all for now

[Just...Will]

its more of a parody than a joke but here goes

fuck fuck fuck a duck
screw the kangaroo
69 the porcupine
now that's fun at the zoo

(row row row your boat)

[Anonymous]

heres a riddle you probably wont get,

3 guys walk into a hotel and rent a room, the clerk says its $30, so they pay and go up. then the manager walks in and tells the clerk that the roo was only $25. the clerks goes to return the $5, but doesnt know how o split it 3 ways, so he keeps $2 and gives $1 to each person.

each person spent $9, 9x3 is 27, and the clerk has $2, 27+2=$29, wheres the other dollar?

[Ravenous]

Thats a hard one I dont know

[Anonymous]

it didnt take me very long cuz im very left brin dominant, so im annalitical, and figure mathematical puzzles out fast, on average itll take 30 minutes-a few days, if you figure it out at all.

[Ravenous]

I dont bother with them for more than two minutes

[Anonymous]

if you give up tell me and ill pm the answer

[Dante]

There is an initial $30 charge. It should have been $25, so $5 must be returned and accounted for. $3 is given to the 3 friends, $2 is kept by the bellhop - there you have the $5. The trick to this riddle is that the addition and subtraction are done at the wrong times to misdirect your thinking - and quite successfully for most. Each of the 3 friends did indeed pay $9, not $10, and as far as the friends are concerned, they paid $27 for the night. But we know that the clerk will tell us that they were charged only $25 and when you add the $3 returned with the $2 kept by the bellhop, you come up with $30

[Anonymous]

please delete your post so the others dont get the answer given away to them, form now i want the the anser to this pmed. its a good riddle to tantalize your thoughts. but good job, exactly the answer, right on!

[bombbunny]

Q.How far can u walk into a forest?














-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A. Half way cause then your walking out of it! :weekend: people!

[Dante]

until u reach the middle.

[Anonymous]

well, my brain teaser was ruined cuz the guy dint pm me the answer.

[Ravenous]

it wasent ruined, if they dident want to know they could see that eh was explaning an answer and not read it

[Anonymous]

true :D, well, you figured it out yet?

[Just...Will]

every1 knows this one:

a plane lands on the border between the us and canada. where do you bury the survivors?

[serial-thrilla]

in there home contry

[Anonymous]

Did you hear about the guy who got his whole left side blown off in a war? Well, he's alright now.



Why are apratments so close together?

-Ekia

[Anonymous]

every1 knows this one:

a plane lands on the border between the us and canada. where do you bury the survivors?

you dont, the plane never crased

[Dante]

you kind of said the question wrong.


A Plane crashed where do you bury the surviviors?

[nwshc]

YOU DONT BURY THE SURVIVORS!! hahaha, my brother just got that like 2 seconds ago.

[<-Dying_to_Live->]

heres another gimmie gimmie. an electric train heads east. if its heading into the wind, which way does the smoke blow?

[boognish]

i dont know, its an electric train, no smoke

[serial-thrilla]

yeah i think you got it

[Anonymous]

heres a joke, so theres this girl and she walks home form school, and this guy says, "ill give you a cookie if you climb the pole." so she climbs the pole. then she tells her mom how she got the cookie and her mom says, "oh dont do that, hes just trying to see your underwear." so the next day she climbs the pole again, and explains to her mom, "i tricked the boy mommy, i didnt wear any underwear!"

[serial-thrilla]

hahaha thats pretty funny

[Anonymous]

heres another one called the rubber ducky story:

there was a boy and he was wlaking home from school and this girl says, "can i walk home with you?", and the boy says, "no." so she yells "ill tell my mommy!" and the boys like"ok." (im gonna stop screwing aorund with quotes, this is too long fer that) so they go, and the girl says, can we have sandwiches together, nd the boys liek no, and the girl shouts ill tell my mommy! and the boy goes ok ok. then shes like can we take a shower together, and the boys like NO! and the girl shouts ill tell my mommy! and he says ok ok, when theyre in the shower the boy says dont look down, and the girl asks why, and he says because my rubber ducky is down there, and she says ok, when theyre done, she says can we take a nap together, and the boy says no, and she shout ill tell my mommy, and he says ok ok, and so he wakes up and says where am i? and she says, your rubby ducky spit at me, so it bit it off!

[-Silence]

Yikes! :o

[boognish]

i heard the last one differently...

[Anonymous]

? what you mean boognish? oh as the mr.smiley story? cuz those are the same thing, there are many tellings.

[ScotsGirl]

Windows!

A blonde woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she wants a pair of pink curtains. He assures her they have a good selection of pink curtains. He shows her many textures, prints and hues of pink fabrics. Once she has finally picked out a pink floral pattern, the salesman asked her "What sizes do you need?"

She replies "15 inches."

He exclaims "15 INCHES?! What room are they for?" She says, "I only need one, and it's not for a room. It's for my computer monitor."

The surprised salesman exclaims, "Miss, computers do not
have curtains."

The blond says "HELLOOooooooo.... I've got Windows!"

Sorry for putting in a blond joke :? i dont mean to offend anyone i just thought it was funny. :D .

xxx

[serial-thrilla]

haha that was pretty good :)

[Anonymous]

Ohh! I know some good blonde jokes...

How does a blonde kill a fish? Drown it.

How does a blonde kill a bird? Thow it off a cliff.

How do you kill a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

-Ekia

[ScotsGirl]

Haha! I like them^^ :D .

I thought this one was kinda clever:
:D
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking
a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is
frowning and looking put out.

The egg mutters to no one in particular,
"I guess we answered that question."

[kevin]

Ohh! I know some good blonde jokes...

How does a blonde kill a fish? Drown it.

How does a blonde kill a bird? Thow it off a cliff.

How do you kill a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

-Ekia


I just almost peed myself laughing! Those are great :lol:

[Anonymous]

Haha! I like them^^ :D .

I thought this one was kinda clever:
:D
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking
a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is
frowning and looking put out.

The egg mutters to no one in particular,
"I guess we answered that question."

could you explain it to me?

[ScotsGirl]

Have you never been asked the impossible question of: which came first, the chicken or the egg? :D

xxx

[Anonymous]

oh, i get it!

[Chrono]

A guy walks into a condom shop and he goes up to the guy behind the counter and asks what kind of condoms does he have. Well the guy says for $5.00 you can get a regular latex condom, for $10.00 you can have a colored latex condom, and for $15.00 you can have a steel condom. The guy says ok I'll just go with a colored one and he picks a blue one cause that is his favorite color. Well that night him and his wife had sex but the blue condom broke and 9 months later she gave birth, but the baby was blue. He grew up that way and finally he got the nerve to ask his dad... "Why am I blue" so the dad says, well son if i would have paid $5.00 more you would have been the terminator.

[Dante]

A Priest had been in confessions all day without a break. He really had to take a dump, and his blatter was about to burst because he hadn't been able to relieve himself all day.

People kept coming to confess and the line was backed up already and he hated to leave. But he peeked out of his cubicle and signaled the janitor to come over.

He asked the janitor to cover for him and gave him the confessions book then sped off in the direction of the bathroom.

The janitor was a little bewildered but he went into the cubicle and sat down. A woman came knelt in front of his window and said, "Father I have sinned. I cheated on my husband."

The janitor scanned in the book until he found "adultery". He told the woman to say 50 "Hail Mary's" and wash in holy water.

Next came a man who told the janitor, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I had oral sex with another man."

The janitor looked and looked but he couldn't find a penance listed for oral sex. He leans out of the cubicle and whispered to an altar boy: "Hey, boy, what does the priest give for oral sex?"

With a smile, the boy replied, "Five dollars and a candy bar!"

[Anonymous]

hahahahaha!

[Anonymous]

i find that offensive to the catholic and christian religions, if i were muslum or something id laugh, but thats just a loa dof fucking asenine, oh well, i wont spoil yur time wiht my ramblings about how offensiv that is.

[Dante]

ummm, what ya said is so ignorant...I understand if it offended you, but u have to realize it is just jokes, How dare you say that if it was muslim or something, you'll laugh.

Just because your "catholic" doesnt mean you're better than anyone else.

[Whisper]

LMFAO!!!!!

It's funny cause it's true!

[<-Dying_to_Live->]

jokes arent even meant to be offensive anyways so you shouldnt be :?

[Whisper]

Just remember people God's comming and she's pissed! So run fast er loose your ass!