Jokes and Riddles

[Short Circuit]

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the milkman and your brother."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (O.M.G.!!!)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home . What the...?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (Talk about a southpaw.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts. (and God love that pig)......

[Professional Russian]

How Hell froze over.

Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After rewieving his records Saint Pete decided to let him in. "Follow me" he said, opening the gate and walking in.

After some walk, Saint Pete's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.
Saint Pete was furious.
"If you do that again, You'll go straight to hell! But follow me, we're almost there."

After some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Pete was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.

Again they walk and for the third time Pete drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Pete is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.

A few weeks later, Saint Pete goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass of.
"Why is it so god damn cold down here? "Pete asks.
"Well you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil replied.

[Maxxie]

How Hell froze over.

Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After rewieving his records Saint Pete decided to let him in. "Follow me" he said, opening the gate and walking in.

After some walk, Saint Pete's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.
Saint Pete was furious.
"If you do that again, You'll go straight to hell! But follow me, we're almost there."

After some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Pete was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.

Again they walk and for the third time Pete drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Pete is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.

A few weeks later, Saint Pete goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass of.
"Why is it so god damn cold down here? "Pete asks.
"Well you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil replied.

Completely stereotypical, but.... FUCK YES. HAHAHAH. :D

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

My family is a bit of a.... how do you say, mixed race family?

My father prefers the 100 metres...

And my mother's a Pakistani.

[Love.Hate]

Velcro, what a rip off!

[OnlyByTheNight.]

Wanna hear a joke about my penis???
Nevermind, it's really long....

[kenoloor]

Wanna hear a joke about my penis???
Nevermind, it's really long....

Wanna hear a joke about my vagina?
Never mind, you'll never get it.

[OnlyByTheNight.]

Wanna hear a joke about my vagina?
Never mind, you'll never get it.

Wanna hear a joke about my pencil??
Never mind, it's pointless.

[Sugaree]

My grandfather was reminiscing about his childhood.

He told me, "My mother used to send me to the store with one dollar each week. I would come back with five bags of potatoes, two loaves of bread, three pints of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and a half dozen eggs. You can't do that now because there's too many fucking security cameras."

[Short Circuit]

The Vatican has just released a press statement saying that the Catholic Church now supports the wearing of condoms, but only under exceptional circumstance. For example: When the alter boys have severed diarrhea .

[Professional Russian]

This is my rifle ; this is my gun.
This is for fighting; this is for fun.




A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (O.M.G.!!!)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home . What the...?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (Talk about a southpaw.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts. (and God love that pig)......


Inappropriate image removed -Jon

[Rootin]

Wanna Hear A Joke?
Woman's Rights.....

[The Time Theif]

Something to ponder

This sentence is a lie.:what:

[Scooby Dooby Drew]

Something to ponder

This sentence is a lie.:what:

Does a set of all sets that do not contain themselves contain itself?

[Midland]

Mary and Tom were in a religious studies class. Mary was extremely tired and Tom had just sharpened his pencil.

The teacher asks Mary, "What was the name of our savior?"

Tom pokes Mary with his pencil,
"Jesus Christ!"

"Who was born in the year 0?"

Tom pokes Mary with the pencil,

"Jesus Christ"

"What did Mary say to her husband after they had too many kids?"

Mary turns to face Tom and says, "If you stick that thing into me one more time i'll chop it off!"

[Professional Russian]

Wanna Hear A Joke?
Woman's Rights.....

What 19th? amendment shouldnt you be in the kitchen making me a sandwich?

[Short Circuit]

Personal Ad:

Premature ejactulator, seeks female with massive boobs, long tanned legs, and waxed ........... wait ......... oh shit, never mind, it doesn't matter now!

[TeddyBearRock]

this thread has just cheered me up, thx peeps

[Donkey]

Wanna Hear A Joke?
Woman's Rights.....

http://i0.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/004/815/lol-guy.jpg



"It's a boy!"

I shouted, as I ran from the Thai brothel.

[Jmihas]

LOOOOOOOL Nice one.

[PoseidonX43]

And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....

I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts !

[Professional Russian]

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'
'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil
Smith. He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood!
Don't quite know how he gets it inside them
logs, but he's hidin' it there.'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend
on Virgil's house. They search the shed where
the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open
every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the
Sheriff come?'

'Yeah!'
'Did they split your firewood?'
'Yep!'
'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

[PoseidonX43]

dodge the father, ram the daughter!

XD

[Sugaree]

Jesus returns to Earth and runs for political office. Winning in a landslide, he goes on to serve eight consecutive terms as a Congressman. Being popular among virtually all people in his district, he goes to speak to them. As he walks around in one city meeting with his constituents, a blind man comes to him and says, "Jesus! Jesus! I'm blind, would you please heal me?" Then Jesus told the man, "Sorry, pre-existing condition."

[Mortal Coil]

Jesus returns to Earth and runs for political office. Winning in a landslide, he goes on to serve eight consecutive terms as a Congressman. Being popular among virtually all people in his district, he goes to speak to them. As he walks around in one city meeting with his constituents, a blind man comes to him and says, "Jesus! Jesus! I'm blind, would you please heal me?" Then Jesus told the man, "Sorry, pre-existing condition."

I love you.


A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

[Mirage]

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

This made me derp.
Good one! :D

[plebble]

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

[Professional Russian]

Condom Boxes

A man walks into a drug store with his 10 year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The Dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday."

"Cool, says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men." the Dad answers, "Two for Friday, Two for Saturday and Two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks with bright eyes, picking up the 12 pack.

With a sigh, the Dad replied, "Those are for married men, one for January, one for February, one for March, one for April......................
__________________


Biker's Good Deed
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked... "Well, before you jump why don't you give me a kiss?" So she does... And it was a long, deep, passionate, lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl." The authorities think she may have been pushed.
__________________

[Jmihas]

Chips and eggs.

[Mortal Coil]

An 8-year-old boy walks up to a cashier with a box of tampons. The cashier says, "son, do you know what these are?"
The boy replies, "well no, but the advertisement said that if you used them you'd be able to swim and ride a bike, and right now my little brother can't do either."

[Anselmo]

Why did Hitler kill himself?
The jews sent him the gas bill

[Professional Russian]

Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one compound, and never left the house for 5 years.

It is now believed that he called the US Navy Seals himself.

My thought was that they should have locked the door from the outside and left him for life.......

[Mortal Coil]

The past, present and future all walked into a bar at once.

It was tense.

[Bath]

Hey I have an easy riddle for you all c:

"A man goes into a prison to visit somebody he knows. The prison guard says that he cannot go in unless the person he's visiting is family. So the man replies, 'brothers and sisters, I have none, but this man's father is my father's son.' The prison guard let's him in. How were the two men related?"

It's simple but makes you think for about five minutes. :p

[Professional Russian]

hes his son?

[Scarface]

This has been discussed by staff and is going to be moved to the VT Arcade for relevance and replacement by a more appropriate sticky for this section.

[DerBear]

What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives 2 people a great deal of satisfaction?

This is a riddle if you want the answer pm me or make a guess below.

[Thunduhbuhlt]

What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives 2 people a great deal of satisfaction?

This is a riddle if you want the answer pm me or make a guess below.

Sex?

[DerBear]

Sex?

Nope

If you want the answer pm me.

Feel free to make more guesses

[plebble]

Here's a joke:

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/c/cc/Twilight-dvd.jpg/220px-Twilight-dvd.jpg

[plebble]

Hey I have an easy riddle for you all c:

"A man goes into a prison to visit somebody he knows. The prison guard says that he cannot go in unless the person he's visiting is family. So the man replies, 'brothers and sisters, I have none, but this man's father is my father's son.' The prison guard let's him in. How were the two men related?"

It's simple but makes you think for about five minutes. :p

Step brother?

[Gandalf]

Step brother?

It couldn't be father in a religious context i.e priest

So the prisoner's father is the priest and the prisoner is the son of the priest.
I think I might have heard that one before.


Solve this BTW:

Two pieces of tarmac go into a pub. They're having a good time as you would expect.
Suddenly, a green piece of tarmac enters menacingly. The first piece of tarmac hides until after the green piece has left.
Why did the piece of tarmac hide?

[therunaway]

They say a man's best friend is a dog.
A woman's best friend are diamonds.
A hermaphrodite? No one.

*cough* Jeffree Star *cough*

http://img.karaoke-lyrics.net/img/artists/13402/jeffree-star-208906.jpg He makes pretty cool music if you ask me :P

[Gandalf]

Why didn't the giraffe cross the road?

There was no zebra crossing!

[Jay_Team_Swagg]

Arnold Schwartsanageer(or something, lol) has a long one, James Foxx has a short one, Dads have one but their wives use it, nuns dont have one, the pope has one but isn't allowed to use it. What is it ?????







A LAST NAME

[Mob Boss]

Here's a joke:

image (http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/c/cc/Twilight-dvd.jpg/220px-Twilight-dvd.jpg)

XD. Haha seriously.


A cheesy one, but whatever
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

[Short Circuit]

Solve this BTW:

Two pieces of tarmac go into a pub. They're having a good time as you would expect.
Suddenly, a green piece of tarmac enters menacingly. The first piece of tarmac hides until after the green piece has left.
Why did the piece of tarmac hide?


Cuz the green piece of tarmac is a cycle path (psycopath)?

[Green Arrow]

Where do fortune tellers go to dance?
The Crystal Ball

They say a man's best friend is a dog.
A woman's best friend are diamonds.
A hermaphrodite? No one.

Woah... that's harsh and offensive. Get out.

[Gandalf]

Cuz the green piece of tarmac is a cycle path (psycopath)?

Well done! I thought it was obscure and nobody would get it. You proved me wrong on that :D




I flew to Zurich last year, I landed in flug heaven :D

[OregonStateDude]

Okay, I have a joke:

A girlfriend and boyfriend walked into the girlfriends house and the girlfriend said to her mom, "Mom, me and my boyfriend are going up to my room" and the mom says, "Ok honey, you kids have fun."

When they are up there the mom hears: "Baby baby baby oh!"
The mom walks to the door and asks, "What the hell is going on?"
The girl says, "Mom we're just having sex." and the mom says, "Oh thank God I thought you guys were listening to Justin Bieber."

[NedStark]

What is an activity enjoyed by 9 out of 10 people?
.
.
.
.
Gang rape

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_j1kPhD6mV9k/Srf4cZSd56I/AAAAAAAAARI/vDPl7-oIusk/s400/ba+dum+tss.jpg

[Losing Sanity79]

A neutron walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bar-tender says, "For you, no charge!"

Big Bang Theory

[Professional Russian]

JFK'S
Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when
DeGaule decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaule said he wanted all U.S.
military out of France as soon as possible.


Rusk responded,
"Does that include those who are buried here?"


DeGaule
did not respond.

You
could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




When in England,
at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the
Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of
'empire building' by George Bush.


He answered by saying,
"Over the years, the United States has sent many of
its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom
beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for
in return is enough to bury those that did not
return."


You
could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


There was a conference in France
where a number of international engineers
were taking part, including French and American. During a break,
one of the French engineers came back into the room saying, "Have you
heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft
carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he
intend to do, bomb them?"


A Boeing engineer
stood up and replied quietly: "Our carriers have three
hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are
nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to
shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to
feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand
gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a
dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and
from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships;
how many does France have?"


You
could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A U.S. Navy Admiral
was attending a naval conference that included
Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French
Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large
group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a
French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many
languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, "Why is it that
we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than
speaking French?"


Without hesitating,
the American Admiral replied, "Maybe it's because the
Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't
have to speak German."


You
could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


AND
THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...


Robert Whiting,
an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane.
At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport
in his carry on.


"You
have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked
sarcastically.


Mr Whiting
admitted that he had been to France
previously.


"Then
you should know enough to have your passport ready."


The American said,
"The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."


"Impossible.
Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"


The American senior
gave the Frenchman a long hard look Then he
quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in
1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchman
to show a passport to."

You
could have heard a pin drop.

[Tucker13]

A young teenager girl needs some extra money so she becomes a hooker. One day the police catch the group and as they were getting handcuffed her grandma comes and asks what are you in line for and the teen replys we are in line for oranges .so then the grandma gets inline when the cop comes over to the old lady the cop says but how your so old and the grandma replys it's easy sonny I remove my teeth and suck them dry

[PoseidonX43]

A dentist friend of mine had a T-shirt which said on the front: let me put my tool in your mouth... and on the back:...and I will fill your cavity.

[DarkHorse4eva]

Hey I have an easy riddle for you all c:

"A man goes into a prison to visit somebody he knows. The prison guard says that he cannot go in unless the person he's visiting is family. So the man replies, 'brothers and sisters, I have none, but this man's father is my father's son.' The prison guard let's him in. How were the two men related?"

It's simple but makes you think for about five minutes. :p

the man is visiting his son

[Gandalf]

the man is visiting his son

No I don't think so... If you read it carfully you'll realise that the prisoner and visiotor are on the same level of the family tree.... How to explain it? FAMILY TREE time :P


"A man goes into a prison to visit somebody he knows. The prison guard says that he cannot go in unless the person he's visiting is family. So the man replies, brothers and sisters, I have none, but this man's father is my father's son.' The prison guard let's him in. How were the two men related?"



------ Prisoner's father¬
-------|---------------|
Prisoner-------------Visitor

They're not siblings so the only guess I could make is that the father/son relationship is religous.
And the father in both cases was the same priest... OR The visitor and the prisoner the same person?



Please no offense intended....

Knock knock:
"Who's there?"
"Jehoavah"
"Jehoavah wh- Actually; don't answer that, goodbye!"

[LuciferSam]

A man goes to work in a 35 story building. On normal days he rides the elevator to the 25th floor, and then climbs the stairs to the 35th floor. On rainy days he goes straight to the 35th floor in the elevator. The man is not particularly fond of exercise, nor is he superstitious. Why does he do these things?

[Jess]

An Antartian died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer three questions:

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".

2. How many seconds are in a year?

3. What is God's first name?

The Antartian thought for a few minutes and answered...

1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.

2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

3. God has two first names, and they are Andy and Howard."

Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct.

But how did you get 12 seconds in a year, and why did you ever think that God's first name was either Andy or Howard?"

The Antartian replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc...."

"OK, I give," said Saint Peter, "but what about the God's first name stuff?"

The Antartian said, "Well, from the song....Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own..., and the prayer...Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...."

Saint Peter let him in without another word.

[PoseidonX43]

2 dyslexics run in a bank : air in the hands mother stickers, this is a fuck up !

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an alter boy

[randomnessqueen]

what do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord?
...
...
...
my arse

[Courtney Marie]

Hey I have an easy riddle for you all c:

"A man goes into a prison to visit somebody he knows. The prison guard says that he cannot go in unless the person he's visiting is family. So the man replies, 'brothers and sisters, I have none, but this man's father is my father's son.' The prison guard let's him in. How were the two men related?"

It's simple but makes you think for about five minutes. :p

Dang idk this one tricky.!





Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fvcbxgAqH9I&feature=plcp

[imagine95]

A preist, a pedophile and a rapist walk into a bar...



...He orders a drink.

[BrainDamage]

If athletes get athletes foot, do astronauts get missletoe?

[BrainDamage]

Dang idk this one tricky.!




Easy its the prisoners father...

[BrainDamage]

Some guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

[BrainDamage]

Riddles:
Always seen,
but never reached,
From North to South
and West to East...?

A box without hinges, key or lid,
Yet golden treasure inside is hid.* *

What is the most popular type of car...?
A Hearse 'cause everyone dying to ride in one...

[Courtney Marie]

Oooooooooooooooo!!!!!!! I see now good good!!

[BrainDamage]

Moby dick was a sperm whale

[Aajj333]

1. Why did the U.S. invade Iraq

2.Bush couldn't spell Afghanistan

[TheSocialInspector]

Two dyslexics walk into a bra.

[CharlieFinley]

So a man walked into a bar.

It hurt.

[CharlieFinley]

An irishman walked out of a bar.

What do you call an Arabic man flying a plane?
A pilot, you racist ass.

[Skyline]

How do you make Holy Water?
A: Boil the Hell out of it.

What do you call a dog with no hind legs and balls made of steel?
A: Sparky

[BrainDamage]

Math problem: If I have 10 ice cubes and you have 11 apples, how many pancakes will fit in the roof??

Answer: Purple, because aliens don't wear hats.

[jacksonthelan]

heres a riddle you probably wont get,

3 guys walk into a hotel and rent a room, the clerk says its $30, so they pay and go up. then the manager walks in and tells the clerk that the roo was only $25. the clerks goes to return the $5, but doesnt know how o split it 3 ways, so he keeps $2 and gives $1 to each person.

each person spent $9, 9x3 is 27, and the clerk has $2, 27+2=$29, wheres the other dollar?

if you look at it like this

(10*3)-5+3 and then the clerk has the leftover $2

[IsANerd101]

Two drums and a cymbal fall of a cliff?

*rimshot*

[Bluebird12]

3 nuns die in a car crash.
on the way to heaven Peter stops them at the gate and tells them they have to each answer a question before they can get in.
So he asks the first nun, " who was the first woman?"
and she answers, "Eve."
and he says, "yup, you're in."
He asks the 2nd nun, "where did Eve live?"
and she answers, "the garden of eden."
He says, "yup, you're in."
and he says to the 3rd one, which was the Mother Superior,"I'm afraid the questions gonna be a bit tricky for you..what did Eve say when she first saw Adam?"
Agreeing the question is difficult she says, "ooh, it's a hard one.."
and he says, " yup, you're in!"

[spoke]

2 blondes walk into a bar.
you'd think one of them would have seen it

[BrainDamage]

A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.

Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."

The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!"

St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

[Zombie Alice]

Okay three a who are traveling go to a hotel to rent a room for the night but there is only one room with one king-sized left. being very tired they take it and go up and go to sleep with guy#1 on one side guy#2 on the other side and guy#3 in the middle. The next morning all three of them are sitting at the table having breakfast together talking about how they slept.
Guy#1 says: "I had a dream someone was playing with my d***."
Guy#2 says: "Weird I had a dream someone was playing with my d*** too."
Guy#3: "I had a dream I was skiing."
What does everyone think?

[BanishU]

How do five gay guys walk? in ONE DIRECTION! I heard this and thought lol.

[Jaller]

What do Optimus prime and a tennise divorce have in common? Someone's gonna lose a trailer .

Boy that angry water bender sure made waves(this is an avitar the last air benderjoke)

[CharlieFinley]

You know the worst thing about political correctness? They react to everything with 'black' in it. Hell, you can't even say 'black paint' anymore. You have to say, "Tyrone, will you please paint the room." http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/images/smilies/biggrin.gif
I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night. It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

What do you call an Arab flying a plane? The pilot, you racist ass.

You hear about the new car made in Israel? Not only can it stop on a dime, it will go back and pick it up.

How do the Chinese name their kids? They throw silverware down the stairs.

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.

I ran into Hitler. I was surprised to see him and asked him what he was up to? He said "This time I am going to kill 6 million Jews and two clowns!"
"Two Clowns? Why are you going to kill two clowns?"
"See? Nobody cares about zee Jews."

[BebeFleur.]

A Blonde, Burnette, and Redhead all die. The are approaching the gates of the Unknown together, but first they must pass a test. They heard a loud voice and assume it's God.

GOD: You are given 100 steps. At each one, I will tell a joke. If you laugh, you cannot go to heaven.

GOD: Okay, so here's your first joke: Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!

REDHEAD: How lame.

BURNETTE: I know, right?

BLONDE: *says nothing and keeps a straight serious face*

The girls step onto the 35th step, having not laughed for the previous 34 jokes.

GOD: Two Blondes walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would've see it!

BURNETTE: *bursts out laughing and then disappears*

REDHEAD: Come on! That's all you've got?

BLONDE: *still keeps a straight face and serious expression*

The two girls make it to the 80th step.

GOD: *makes a silly face*

REDHEAD: *bursts out in mock laughter, but disappears anyway*

BLONDE: *keeps a straight serious face*

The blonde reaches the 100th step, ready for the last joke.

GOD: Okay, so here's your final joke-

BLONDE: *bursts out laughing, gasping for air*

GOD: I didn't even say the joke yet!

BLONDE: I just got the first one!

[Horatio Nelson]

Okay. So I'll post a riddle every day, and at the end of each day I'll post the answer, sound like fun? (And please be good sports and no googling) :)

Riddle of the day: What goes around the world but stays in a corner?

[Jess]

I know the answer to that one (without googling).

[Emerald Dream]

I've heard this one before, so I didn't have to look it up. :)

[ImCoolBeans]

TWPR :arrow: VT Arcade

I also merged this with the existing Stickied thread. -Emerald Dream

[BebeFleur.]

I have heard it before as well. :)

[Horatio Nelson]

Alright! This should be fun. :) So here's how it's gonna work, I'm going to post a riddle, and if the correct answer isn't guessed after 15 tries, I will tell the answer and start a new riddle. No googling answers! Here we go. (I'll start off easy.) :D

Riddle 1: If it has a quart capacity, how many pennies can you put into an empty piggy bank?.


-merged with existing Riddles thread. -Emerald Dream

[CharlieHorse]

None because you are penniless.

[VictoriaGotaSecret]

Sorry but I had to look it up

[Jae Ostraes]

FATHER: You Took My Money From My Pocket!

SON: Dad, What?

FATHER: I Said, You Took My Money From My Pocket!

SON: I Really Cant Hear You Dad, Lets Trade Places.

(They Traded Places)

SON: Who Is The Woman That You're With Earlier?

FATHER: Yeah, You're Right Son, I Cant Hear It.

[Jae Ostraes]

Jaja was at the golf shop in Alabang trying to look for golf balls for her game the next day. " I dont like the kind of balls I'm using, do you have any suggestions?" she asked the sales man. "We have a new ladies section, you might like the new arrivals for lady golfers." the sales man told her, directing her to the other side of the store where the ladies items were.
After going through the new golf balls for laides, Jaja was approached by the manager and asked, "Can I help you?" Jaja turned to him and replied. " Can you show me the mens section? I like playing with mens balls."

[Reanne]

A man walked in on his stepdaughter pleasuring herself with a cucumber. "Oh God That's disgusting!" he yelled. "I was going to eat that, and now it's going to taste like cucumber."

[Jae Ostraes]

BOY: Im bored .. Lets play a Game.

GIRL: What game?

BOY: Picking of Pubic hair. Before i Pic Your Pubic Hair, I need to mention a Hero Then Before You Could Pick mine, You Need to Mention a Fruit...

GIRL: Ok game, Lets Start.

(They Removed their Clothes)

BOY: Jose Rizal (Picked a hair From the Girl)

GIRL: aww!.. Mango (Picked a hair From the Boy)

BOY: aww!.. Andres Bonifacio (Picked a hair From the Girl)

GIRL: awww!.. Apple (Picked a hair From the Boy)

BOY: awwww!" (Totally Hurts, He Cheated) Gomburza!( 3 Martyr Priests) (Picked 3 hairs From the Girl)

GIRL: aaaawww!.. So Cheating is allowed. Ok. .. Fruit salad!

[Reanne]

A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London. He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties.

He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?"

She says, "It's me lower mouth."

He says, "What do you mean, 'your lower mouth?'"

She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a moustache... It's got lips..."

He asks, "Has it got a tongue in it?"

She says, "Not yet. . ." :P

[Jae Ostraes]

A Quezon City policeman was doing night patrol around the UP Sunken Garden, when he noticed a guy on top of a naked girl. He approached the couple and asked...
QC Police: Sorry sir, mam, I will need to arrest you because indecent exposure is not allowed here.
Guy: Sir, let me explain. My girlfriend stopped breathing and I had to give her CPR.
QC Police: oh? Then how come she's naked?
Guy: Because her condition is so serious she couldn't open her mouth. I had to look for another opening.

HAHAHA :)

[Reanne]

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half
an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything -
KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."

[Reanne]

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
"What can I get you?" the bartender asks.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responds the young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offence, mate. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

[WickedWeekend]

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he’d better buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.

He explained his situation. The old man said, “Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except—-” and he stopped.

“Except what?” the man asked.

“Nothing, nothing.”

“C’mon, tell me! I need something!”

“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis.”

“So what’s up with this Voodoo Penis?” he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said, “Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!”

The old man replied, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.” He pointed to a door and said, “Voodoo Penis, the door.”

The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.

Before the door split, the old man said “Voodoo Penis, return to box!”

The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more.

“I’ll take it!” said the businessman.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say “Voodoo Penis, my crotch.”

After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said “Voodoo Penis, my crotch!”

The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she’d ever experienced before. After three mind- shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she’d had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.

Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.

A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, “I haven’t had anything to drink, officer. You see, I’ve got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won’t stop screwing me!”

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, “Yeah, right… Voodoo Penis, my ass.”

The rest is fucking history.

[AlexBarrett]

What's faster than a cheetah? A Jew with a coupon.

[Josh Morgan]

A skeleton walks into a bar. He orders a beer and a mop.

[BWLC]

A guy walks into a bar.

A sign above the bar says: Cheese Sandwich $2.50 Handjob $10.00

The guy thinks wtf? but then he sees the bartender, a smoking hot 9.7648962/10 HBB.

She asks him if she can help him with anything, so of course he has to ask "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

She blushes a little and replies, "Why yes, I am actually"

He says "Well then wash your hands cuz I want a cheese sandwich!"

[BWLC]

A little boy came home from school and his homework assignment was to find out what the difference between hypothetically and realistically. He asked his dad for help.
"Go ask your mom if she would sleep with the mailman for $1,000,000," his Dad said.
He went and asked and came back and said, "She said yes".
"Well", said the dad, "Go ask your sister the same question."
He did and came back and said, "She said yes too".
So dad said, "Hypothetically we're millionaires, realistically we're living with two whores."

[BWLC]

an elephant walks up to a camel and asks," why do you have to boobs on your back?"

the camel said, "thats a strange question coming from someone with a d*ck on his face."

[Jake Morgan]

A man has a session with a psychologist.
After the session, the psychologist says to the man, "I'm sorry to telly you this, but you're crazy".
"I think you're a quack" the man responded, "I want a second opinion"
"Okay" said the psychologist, "You're ugly too".

[Josh Morgan]

A lady says to her friend, "my drivers license picture doesn't do me justice".
Her friend responds, "you don't need justice, you need mercy".

[Sweet Smart Smexi]

Via text
Son: I GOT AN A ON MY CHEMISTRY TEST!
Mum: WTF well done!!!
Son: Mum do you know what WTF means?
Mum: Well That's Fantastic!

[Synyster Shadows]

wow. Fail on the mom's part. lol

[lyrical]

If Any You Know Who JacksGap is Well Finn Said Alot Of People Talk About Seaworld When Their Making A Joke The His Brother Was Like What Is The Joke And Finn Said Umm. Your Mom Is So Fat She Has To Take A Bath At Seaworld.

[Sweet Smart Smexi]

wow. Fail on the mom's part. lol

No. MASSIVE FAIL!

[Twilly F. Sniper]

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the better of him and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to
the door reading:

WELCOME TO
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He goes in and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. YOU SINNER!!

Credit- Jaxx from Chadzboyz.com.

[Sweet Smart Smexi]

lolll

[KimuraWannabe116]

What would happen if a homeless lumberjack banged an umpa-lumpa

[Vocabulous]

one from my homestate of minnesota

so sven and olly where headed out onto a lake to go icefishing with thier buddies. there wasnt enough room in the cab of the pickup truck they where going to take out there so they had to sit in the bed. as they got onto the lake, the truck sank and their buddies jumped out and to safty. but sven and olly did not get out with them. after awhile the pair finally surfaced. their biddies asked them, 'why did it take you guys so long?" to which they respond "we couldnt get the tailgate down!"

[radsniper]

4 of july
a man is watching his local fireworks and after the smoke clears he sees 4 moons so he rubs his eyes but there is still 4 moons he's perplexed then the people in front of him sit down and he finally figures out there is only one real moon

[Mynick]

What books and people have in common?

Whenever they're open they're re[a]d.

[BookSmart]

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank coffee before it was cool :)

[EddietheZombie]

A traveler is walking along a trail when he sees its sundown and he doesnt have anywhere to sleep. He soon finds a house and knocks on the door. An old Asian man opens the door. The traveler tells the Asian man that he needs a place to sleep and asks if he could stay the night. The Asian man says he can, but he must leave his daughter alone or suffer the 3 Most Painful Asian Tortures. The man agrees and enters the house. As they are having dinner he sees the Asian mans daughter and she is a perfect 10 out of 10. He goes upstairs to his room where he lays awake all night and finally he goes and has a night of sex with the daughter. He wakes up in his room the next day with a 7 pound boulder on his chest with a note. The note says "Asian Torture Number One: Boulder on Chest". The man thinks nothing of it and throws the boulder out the second story window. As he watches the boulder fall he sees another note on the window that says "Asian Torture Number Two: Boulder Tied to Right Testicle". The man tries to think quickly and jumps out the window. On his way down he sees another note written on the side of house that says "Asian Torture Number Three: Left Testicle Tied to Bed Post".

[Reserved]

How Many cops does it take to change a light bulb?
None.
They just beat the room for being black.

[Hazard7707]

What is greater than God and more evil than the Devil? The rich need it, the poor have it and if you eat it you will die.
Ans: Nothing

[Taylor7500]

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world:
Those who understand binary;
Those who don't;
And those who don't expect a joke in base 3.

[Celtic.]

http://www.bat-mania.co.uk/guides/images/riddlepic.gif
whats brown and sticky............................................a stick
BA CHING BA
GET IT?!?!?!?!?!?!

How Many cops does it take to change a light bulb?
None.
They just beat the room for being black.

soooooooooooooooo true.:eek:

[Thomas01]

A man was on his way to a distant town. Along the path he encountered a naked man with a hardon.

The traveler asked what the man was doing. The man responded that he was checking the time. The man said it was 2:30. The traveler checked his watch and was surprised that the man was right.

The traveler proceeded on to the town. On his way back home, he encountered the same man masturbating. The traveler asked what he was doing now. The man responded, "I'm umm... Winding my watch"

[Dark Unicorn]

I know this defies the laws of gravity but I never studied law.

[Keyboardwarrior95]

Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies.

Is that a trick question??

[Keyboardwarrior95]

My butler is such a dick.

He keeps telling me to "move out" and to call him "Dad".

[Keyboardwarrior95]

A Bentley just pulled up outside my house and a man in a sharp suit got out and came to the door.

I said "Have I won the Pools?"

"No" he replied "I'm just here to read your gas meter"

[Keyboardwarrior95]

It's true when they say that certain types of music can take you to another place.

I was in the pub tonight and a James Arthur song was playing on the jukebox, so I went to another pub.

[Jrxy98]

Johnny Deeper

There was this Kid and his name was Johnny Deeper and he got hurt and was takin to the hospital while there his family leaves and a nurse comes in. he orders the nurse to remove her clothing at first she hesitates but proceeds to remove her clothing and Johnny tells her to get on the floor he gets on top of her as his sister comes in she yells Johnny Deeper and Johnny yells Ok I'm going Deeper then his mother comes in and yells Johnny Deeper and he yells Ok Im goimg deeper then his dad comes in and yells Johnny deeper he yells I CAN'T GO NO DEEPER

[Jrxy98]

There is a bus full of ugly people and it goes over a cliff and the all died and they all end up in heaven while in the line jesus meets them and offers them all one wish. the first person says make me beautiful and so Jesus does after hearing what they can request many more began making the same wish but Jesus starts to notice the man in the back who begins laughing Jesus wanders what he is laughing about and so more people begin making the wish to be Beautiful and Handsome near the middle the man in the back is dying from laughter And Jesus is thinking what the hell is this guys problem and so it finally gets the end and so Jesus asked him so funny guy whats your wish the man says Make them all ugly again

[RavleIncarnate]

One night, an elderly lady named Winona went to sleep, but forgot to take out her false teeth. Later that night, she woke up. Sge realized the previously mentioned fact, and because her glass for them was out of reach, she just stuffed them under her pilllow.

When she woke up the next morning, she tried to get her teeth. But in their stead, there was a note and some Monopoly money. On the note stood,

"Nice fucking try, Winona.

- The Tooth Fairy"

[AlexOnToast]

What do you get if you cross a motorway with a broken leg?
Hit by a car.

[Typho]

....

[AlexOnToast]

How Many cops does it take to change a light bulb?
None.
They just beat the room for being black.

I'm speechless.....

[connorftw]

youre about as much use as a condom machine in the vatican

[AlexOnToast]

Worlds Shortest Joke:

Two women were sitting quietly...



"ba-dum-tss"

[Typhlosion]

What's the name of the box of forbidden jokes?

PUNdora's box!

[AlexOnToast]

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one :3

[AlexOnToast]

An Irishman walks out of a bar...

(ba-dum-tss)

[Seemyheart]

An Irishman walks out of a bar...

(ba-dum-tss)

Haha... that one got me to laugh

[AlexOnToast]

Why couldnt the bicycle stand up on its own?
Because it was Two Tyred
(!)

[Nick M]

An Irishman walks out of a bar...

(ba-dum-tss)
I can't stop freaking laughing :lol:

[radsniper]

what did the knife say to the fork?


lets go spooning

[ninja789]

What is the best way to cut wood?

whittle by whittle ;)

[ImAurora]

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off! :D

[NotShortButFunsized]

Why can't a nose be twelve inches long?
Because then it'll be a foot!

[TylerPanda]

What do you call a pizza thats being really shady?
Cheesy cx

[Microcosm]

Click Here (http://riddlesandjokes.com/jokes.php?cur=7&keyword=&max=20&cat=&audience=&type=&args=+ORDER+BY+rank+DESC+)

[thatgothgirluknow]

what do u call cheese thats not urs nacho cheese

[Vocabulous]

What did the blanket say when it fell of the bed? Oh sheet

[conner74]

Why do cows wear bells? 'Cause their horns don't work.

[conner74]

What did one wall say to the other wall? Let's, uh, meet up in the corner.

[Gamma Male]

Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.

[DylPickle]

Why is six scared of seven?

Because seven is a six offender.

[SmokyChica]

On Sunday, instead of going to church, this man decides to go hunting in an area where a bear has been spotted. While standing near a cliff, he sees the bear sitting nearby. He raises his gun to shoot, but drops the gun, and it falls off the cliff. The bear sees him and begins approaching him. The man gets down on his knees, clasps his hands together and says, "Dear God, make this bear a Christian!" The bear rises up on his back legs, but stops for a moment. The bear looks down at the man and begins, "For this and all we are about to receive..."

(For those who don't get it, the prayer the bear is saying is one that a Christian/Catholic may say before eating a meal.)

[DylPickle]

A guy walks up to a man walking a dog. He asks the man if the dog bites, and the man replies no. The guy starts to pet the dog, and is bitten. He asks the man why the dog bit him. The man replies

"Its not my dog"

[LoveLessOne]

This will be so corny, just to let ya know.
Why did the tomato blush?
Because he saw the salad dressing.

[Typhlosion]

http://38.media.tumblr.com/9f17e8c7d5f1a8e4b59709dab6ce950a/tumblr_mygpxodTev1slnbato1_1280.jpg

[CosmicNoodle]

I have a joke, but with the ammount of christians and children on this site I dare not tell it :P

[Uranus]

I have a joke, but with the ammount of christians and children on this site I dare not tell it :P

Ooh Tell me Tell me !! Pm me

[kanyedian]

This will be so corny, just to let ya know.
Why did the tomato blush?
Because he saw the salad dressing.

haha that was funny!

I have a joke, but with the amount of Christians and children on this site I dare not tell it :P

I wanna hear it!

Ooh Tell me Tell me !! Pm me

Me too!














Mine is from a friend at work:


Where does the general keep his armies?










In his sleevies!! haha! :P Silly I know http://www.8thcivic.com/forums/images/smilies/biglaugh.gif

[CosmicNoodle]

Ooh Tell me Tell me !! Pm me


I wanna hear it!


Nope, I date not, less I start a shot storm, but based on ythe two thongs I said you can gues what sort of joke it is

[Whiskers]

Guitar Stuff: 1993 MIM Strat, Epiphone Dot, Schecter Omen 6.
That was on someone's signature and all I could think was "I don't speak French"

[amgb]

Found this on the Internet:
Question: Take away my first letter, and I still sound the same. Take away my last letter, I still sound the same. Even take away my letter in the middle, I will still sound the same. I am a five letter word, what am I?
Answer: EMPTY

[Remora]

I have a joke, but with the ammount of christians and children on this site I dare not tell it :P

is it about brutally murdering christians and children? i want to hear it

[CosmicNoodle]

is it about brutally murdering christians and children? i want to hear it

I don't even remember the joke in question, but I have no doubts that its about

A- Pedophilia
B- Lack of logic or consistency

The first isn't my sort of joke, so more likely the second, or perhaps the two mixed.

[the main man]

how do u make holy water?:confused:
You boil the hell out of it:D:lol::D:lol:

[Sugaree]

What's pink, squishy, nine inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry when I put it in her mouth?

Her miscarriage.

[Excalibur]

This has probably been done before but...

I am so fragile that if you say my name, you break me. What am I?

[suzzysmith2012]

Do not be racist; be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!

[suzzysmith2012]

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

[IceCore]

Ok, this is dirty:
Jack and Jill
Went up a hill
So Jack could lick her candy.
But Jack got a shock
And a mouthful of c**k
Cause Jill's real name was Andy.

[Nico11]

Give Up Drugs


Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever," he said.

"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" the judge asked.

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: -- O o -- and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?" he asked the second guy.

"Well, your honor, I persuaded one hundred fifty six people to give up drugs forever," he said.

"That many people! How amazing! How did you manage to do that!" the judge asked.

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'this is your anus before prison,'" he said.

bwahahahahhaahhhahha..
i fell off the sofa there

[Luminous]

This has probably been done before but...

I am so fragile that if you say my name, you break me. What am I?
Late but I can't leave this one hanging - the answer is silence!

[badpig316]

A few days ago I saw a chicken cross the road true story. And I thought to myself... why did he cross the road????

[Tesserax]

I have 2 jokes

Why did the chicken cross the road?
TO GET TO THE IDIOT'S HOUSE!!!

Ready for the next one?

Knock knock

Who's there?
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The chicken

[Sugilite]

A little black humor never hurt anyone;

-Anna has no arms.

-Knock, knock?

-Who's there?



























Certainly not Anna.

[Vermilion]

A little black humor never hurt anyone;

-Anna has no arms.

-Knock, knock?

-Who's there?



























Certainly not Anna.

Dark but funny

[WanderingHeart]

Teacher: If you have 10 chocolate cakes and someone asks for 2, how many do you have?
Me: 10.
Teacher: Okay, well what if someone were to forcibly take 2 of the cakes? How many would you have?
Me: 10 and a dead body.

[Ridonks_CB]

A bit of dark humour.

http://www.flinnsci.com/store/catalogPhotos/AP6373.jpg

[tiffany1]

:D i like dark humor

[Ridonks_CB]

Some more dark humour, I'm sorry...

Where did Lucy go during the bombing?
everywhere

[Ridonks_CB]

I feel bad for laughing but then i also don't. .

[fighterpilot360]

hahaha. :P we need a better laughing smiley

here you go:lol3::lol3::lol3::lol3::lol3: its made by colin lol3 colin

[fighterpilot360]

i have one

so a cowboy and his horse walk in to a bar and the cowboy says "ill give $100 to whom ever can make my horse laugh. you know what ill give $200 dollars to whom ever can make him laugh and cry" so a man in the back raises his hand and says "ill take that bet" so him and the horse went in to the bathroom and a couple minuets later a long whenning laugh came from the bathroom. then late the horse came out crying and the guy came out behind him. the cowboy asks "how did you do it" the man replies confidently "to make him laugh i told him my dick was bigger than his and to make him cry i showed him."

[Microcosm]

i have one

so a cowboy and his horse walk in to a bar and the cowboy says "ill give $100 to whom ever can make my horse laugh. you know what ill give $200 dollars to whom ever can make him laugh and cry" so a man in the back raises his hand and says "ill take that bet" so him and the horse went in to the bathroom and a couple minuets later a long whenning laugh came from the bathroom. then late the horse came out crying and the guy came out behind him. the cowboy asks "how did you do it" the man replies confidently "to make him laugh i told him my dick was bigger than his and to make him cry i showed him."

That's kinda funny.

Okay so I googled this bc I'm a dweeb

Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.

[Ridonks_CB]

n the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In this bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a tequila shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off. Minutes later he would appear in the elevator and repeat the whole process.

This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiosity got the better of him.

Finally he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you keep drinking, then jumping off the balcony. And yet, minutes later, you're back again. How do you do it?"

"Well," said the other man, "the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that when I get near the ground, I slow down and land gently. It's lot of fun. You should try it."

The guy, who was also quite drunk, thought to himself, "Hey, why not?"

So he goes out to the balcony, jumps off, and seconds laterhe has splatted straight onto the ground, stone dead.

The bartender looks over to the other guy and says, "Superman, you can be a complete as*hole when you are drunk"

[Microcosm]

Kek ^

Brothers and sisters I have none
But this man's father is my father's son
Who is the man?

[Tesserax]

A flight from the US to Australia had its engines malfunction over the pacific ocean, resulting in a crash landing on an isolated pacific island. There were only three survivors.

They begin to search for food, and a way off this island, when the natives go to investigate the crash and capture the survivors. The natives are all cannibals, but they like to play games, so they told the three survivors to go out and find 10 of the same fruit, any fruit from this island.

So the three survivors went off to collect their fruits. The first man comes back with 10 apples, and the natives tell him to put them all up his butt without making facial expressions. He manages 3, before the 4th causes him to start crying. He is immediately killed.

The second survivor comes back with 10 grapes, and she manages to get 9 inside before suddenly she bursts out laughing. Up in heaven, when the second survivor is finally dead, the first one asks her "What happened? You were so close and then you started laughing". The second survivor responded "Well you see, I'm used to you know what, but then I saw the other guy come back with 10 pineapples".

[Tesserax]

Why did the chicken cross the road?









To get to the idiot's house.

Knock knock.
Who's there?













The chicken

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

























.

[Tesserax]

So two drug addicts are standing before the judge, who says to them "Look, you're young and I understand that you make mistakes. Tell you what, go out and over the weekend go to this drug conference and try to stop as many of the addicts from using drugs as you can, and I might try to have your sentence reduced or lifted".

So after the weekend they come back before the judge, who asks them how many people they stopped from continuing drug use. The first guy says "I managed to stop 17 of them from using drugs ever again". The judge is amazing and asks how he did it. The boy replies "Well you see, I drew two circles in front of them, and pointed to the big one and said, this is your brain before using drugs, and then told them that the small circle is their brain after". The judge replies "That's very creative, I will put a word in for your sentence to be reduced".

The judge then asks the second guy "So how many people did you manage to stop?", to which the second boy replies "287 your honour". The judge is amazed and replies "Jesus Christ! How did you do that?", to which the the boy replies "Well you see, I used the same two circles, pointed the the small one, and said to them that this is your anus before prison."

[pjones]

a mushroom walks into a bar, and the bartender says "sorry, we don't sever your kind" and the mushroom says "why not? i'm a fungi?"

[Sports Boy]

There was an old man and his wife in the doctor's office. The doctor says to the man, "After some preliminary tests I'll need a sample of your urine, feces, blood and semen." The old man was a bit hard at hearing and asked his wife what the doctor had said. In reply she told him to give the doctor his underwear.

[tovaris]

Crotana sais:
How do you catch a run away laptop? With an internet.

[SkyClad33605]

100 feet up in the air, I lie on my back.
What am I?

[CirclesAndSquares]

100 feet up in the air, I lie on my back.
What am I?

A centipede lied on it's back?

[KeeganW]

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
* Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

[Falcons_11]

What is the most popular name that lawyers give their daughters?

Sue