Jokes and Riddles

[Amnesiac]

Why do you have such a dim view on light?

It's not that I don't know how to juggle, I just don't have the balls.

Two pot dealers wanted to save their money. They went to the bank and set up a joint account.

One who stands on a toilet bowl is high on pot.

How do you find a blind man at a nude beach? It's not hard.

Need to get into shape? Try the Oval Office.

[The Joker]

Once, I thought Jesus was talking to me.

I woke up, realized I was in a Mexican porno shop, and realized it was Jésus talking to me.

[deadpie]

Some cunt in a nightclub came up to me and said, "I get 20 times more girls than you do, haha."

I replied, "20 x 0 = 0."

That shut the fucker up.

[Amnesiac]

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.


What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?

Cancer.

[Death]

What is the difference between a Jew and firewood?

Firewood is meant to be burned in a stove or fire pit whilst Jews are functioning members of society.

What do you call an Arab flying a 747?

A pilot.

[skinny_white_boy]

Why are black people so tall?
because their neegroes (knee grows)

what do you call an elevator full of white people?
a box of crackers.

[deadpie]

I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night.
It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.
------
I watched my girlfriend give birth the other day, it was the happiest day of my life.
After seeing that, I know she's capable of taking at least one fist.
---------
Hermaphrodites are cocky cunts.
-------------
My girlfriend came round unexpectedly the other day.
That's the last time I buy Tesco Value chloroform.
-------------------
My wife found loads of animal porn on our computer but I think I got away with it.
I blamed the dog.
-------------------------
Auto-erotic asphyxiation, it's breathtakingly good.
----------------------
I helped an old lady cross the road into a shop today.
Pity it was through the window, with my landrover.
-------------------
I killed my girlfriend in a pub.
In my defense, she did say she wanted to get "completely hammered".
--------------

[TDjinN95]

What's greater than God?
More evil than the devil?
Rich people don't want it.
Poor people have it.
And if you eat it - you'll die!

[richboy]

why do mexcians make tamales for Christmas?
so they could have sum thing to unwrap

why did the blonde left lip stick one the steering wheel?
cuz she wanted to blow the horn

[Death]

What's greater than God?
More evil than the devil?
Rich people don't want it.
Poor people have it.
And if you eat it - you'll die!

I'm assuming the answer you were looking for was "nothing", although that is inaccurate...

[Tristin.]

its kinda stereotypicla tbh :L

funny but stereotypical lol

[richboy]

yea but a lil dumb

[The Madman]

Police Station toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to go on.

[Memory]

A man drives over his wife, whose fault is it?
The man, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.

Why did the woman cross the road?
Better question, why is she out of the kitchen?

[Sith Lord 13]

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you already told her twice.

[Kaya]

Two blondes walk into a building.


You'd think one of them saw it first.

[Death]

http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20060207033421/uncyclopedia/images/4/47/Muhammed_and_the_Jew.jpg

[KylieEatWorld]

Some philosoraptors for you:

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disorientated?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
8. If they squeeze olives to get olive oil what do they squeeze to get baby oil?
9. If vegetarians eat vegetables what do humanitarians eat?
10. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

http://onlythevaliant.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/philosoraptor.jpg

[Death]

http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20060614171739/uncyclopedia/images/f/f5/Windows-chess.png

[Daniel_]

how do you get a virgin pregnant?

you sex her up! ;O

[Sugaree]

how do you get a virgin pregnant?

you sex her up! ;O

I fail to see the humor in this.

[The Joker]

I fail to see the humor in this.

Yeah, it went over my head too.

http://www.gnu.org/graphics/bahlon/3d-gnu-head.jpg

[The Joker]

http://eatliver.com/img/2010/5538.jpg

[Sith Lord 13]

http://imgur.com/9EiCb.jpg

[Dunce]

A dyslexic walks into a bra.
*badum ch*

[Origami]

Image (http://imgur.com/9EiCb.jpg)

http://i36.tinypic.com/9uvq1d.jpg








Just for fun for the math nerds!-------------
α
Σ(JDH+HCD)=♥2∞
Ω

[Daniel_]

I fail to see the humor in this.

It originally was more vulgar, like a stupid-retarded humor. I changed it though, I didn't even think it was funny after after I posted it.

[Sith Lord 13]

Just for fun for the math nerds!-------------
α
Σ(JDH+HCD)=♥2∞
Ω

I laughed my ass off at this. So cute and cheesy.

[Charleigh]

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over Rover took over and gave her a bone of his own

Spider, spider on the wall.
Ain't you got no sense at all?
Can't you see the walls been plastered?
Now you're stuck you silly bastard

Hey Diddle, Diddle,
The cat did a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun
Then died of electric shock.

Humpty Dumpty sat on the bed
Little Bo Peep was giving him head
As he came, she started to weep
She could tell by the taste he'd been shagging her sheep.

[Daniel_]

I laughed my ass off at this. So cute and cheesy.

I didn't get it. I hate math.

[Charleigh]

Just for fun for the math nerds!-------------
α
Σ(JDH+HCD)=♥2∞
Ω

LOL ... im laughing because I totally dont get that.

[Sith Lord 13]

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lauaz6rU7m1qbv17fo1_400.jpg

[Memory]

Image (http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lauaz6rU7m1qbv17fo1_400.jpg)

This 1 made me think a bit

[Sith Lord 13]

http://d3uwin5q170wpc.cloudfront.net/photo/39104_700_v1.jpg

[Sugaree]

A koala is sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint. A lizard walks by, looked up and says 'Hey, what're you doing?'.

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some'.

So the lizard climbed up the tree and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few hits. After a while, the lizard complains that his mouth is dry and he goes down to a river for a drink.

The lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile noticed this and helped the lizard to the bank. Then he asked the lizard, 'What's the matter with you?".

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while getting a drink.

The crocodile, somewhat skeptical, said he had to see it for himself. So he traveled into the forest where he found the koala in the gum tree, true to word, smoking a joint. So he calls up to the koala, 'Hey you!'.

The koala looks down and says, 'Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit duuuuuude...how much did you drink?'

[Sebastian Michaelis]

lol I lmao

[Sith Lord 13]

http://tofupunk.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/RaptorJesus02.jpg

[Memory]

http://i262.photobucket.com/albums/ii94/TheWalkingDude/1274015092406.jpg?t=1299120330

[Sith Lord 13]

http://fashionpix.org/data/media/11/raptorjesus-36752.jpg

[Xerxes]

A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender realizes how silly this is, and wakes up from his dream. He rolls over and tells his wife about it, who ignores him. He begins to silently cry, knowing that his marriage is falling into shambles.

[Charleigh]

Spell Paint ...
I say "Which Colour" ^^

[Sith Lord 13]

http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_krhzj0eNjH1qzma4ho1_500.jpg

[Kaya]

Q: What do you call a guy who makes jokes about girls being in the kitchen?
A: Single


(Facebook)

[Charleigh]

There was 3 nuns sitting on a bench.
A naked runner runs past.
2 nuns have a stroke.
The other couldnt reach.
TOTALLY PISSED MA SELF AT THAT ^^

[Sith Lord 13]

http://fatpita.net/images/image%20(1308).jpg?4021

[Scooby Dooby Drew]

Losing the war?
Hitler did "Nazi" that coming!

DOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO

[Fourth Dimension]

i saw this and about died laughing but in reality its horrible
http://i56.tinypic.com/11gn6op.jpg

and then these were funny too
http://i54.tinypic.com/j83915.jpg
http://i53.tinypic.com/ea411y.jpg

[JackOfClubs]

What's the difference between skinny jeans and a cheap motel?
There's no ball room.

My school priest told me that one...

[Sugaree]

What's the difference between skinny jeans and a cheap motel?
There's no ball room.

My school priest told me that one...

I like that priest.

[The Joker]

I like that priest.

Don't like him too much, he might fuck you.

[The Dark Lord]

Subway is similar to prostitution. You pay other people to do your wife's job.

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.
"Morning!" he said.
The other man replies, "No, just having a shit."

I was eating my tea last night when I suddenly thought to myself, "This milk must be seriously out of date."

[Iron Man]

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, no penis, and no job?: Screwed.

[Lonely_Shadow]

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea

[skinny_white_boy]

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

What's the difference between a bad sky diver and a bad golfer?
A bad golfer goes Whack! dang!
A bad sky diver goes Dang! whack!

[Bluesman]

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".

Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".

Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

_________________________________________________________________

I know this is REALLY old, but it always gives me a laugh...

[Kaya]

A woman and her baby get on to a city bus. After looking at both of them the bus driver says: "WOW! That must be the ugliest baby I have seen in my life!"

The woman storms back to the rear of the bus so angry she can't even see straight. The woman turns next to the man she just sat down next to and says, "The bus driver was so rude to me!"

The man looks at the woman with concern and says, "Well you shouldn't let him get away with that. You go right up and give that bus driver a piece of your mind. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

http://cleverjokes.com/Home/tabid/58/articleType/ArticleView/articleId/398/Rude-Bus-Driver.aspx

[Death]

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

[skinny_white_boy]

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A Lickalottapuss

[Kaya]

Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice carton for two hours?




Because it said "concentrate" on it.

[Kitten]

Boy: lets play a game
Girl: okay
Boy: It's called FireTruck. I use these two fingers up your leg, starting at your feet. when you get nervous, yell red light! Kay?
Girl: okay.
Boy: *runs fingers up girls leg. When he gets to her upper-inner thigh,...*
Girl: RED LIGHT!
Boy: Firetrucks don't stop for red lights.
:D

[Death]

The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.


* The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

* The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

* The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

* Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

* Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

* The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

* The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it.

* The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

* The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

* The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

* In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in London.

[Sith Lord 13]

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_RccTLu6UaMc/S8MlsVnNZlI/AAAAAAAABV4/GIx5GovnL40/s1600/allahsaurus.jpg


*preps for the death threats*

[Memory]

http://i262.photobucket.com/albums/ii94/TheWalkingDude/3OB09.jpg?t=1299120230

[Sith Lord 13]

What do you tell your girlfriend with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, you've already told her twice.

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
Hit her.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Let the b!tch do the ironing in the dark.

What do a woman and a condom have in common?
They're both either in your wallet or on your d!ck.

What is the difference between a "Battery" and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What's the best thing about a blow job?
Ten minutes silence.

What's a man's idea of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

How can you tell which is the head nurse?
The one with the dirty knees.

Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.

What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her t!ts went.

Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

[canyon]

What do you tell your girlfriend with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, you've already told her twice.

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
Hit her.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Let the b!tch do the ironing in the dark.

What do a woman and a condom have in common?
They're both either in your wallet or on your d!ck.

What is the difference between a "Battery" and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What's the best thing about a blow job?
Ten minutes silence.

What's a man's idea of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

How can you tell which is the head nurse?
The one with the dirty knees.

Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.

What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her t!ts went.

Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

Ahahaha, those are really good

[Death]

A criminal who has successfully pulled off many crimes eventually gets caught and given the death sentence. The judge, who is impressed with his elusiveness, tells the criminal that he can choose how he would like to die. Given the criminal's intelligence, how does he choose to die?

If you would like to know or guess the answer, feel free to PM me, no matter how old this becomes.

[Scooby Dooby Drew]

A criminal who has successfully pulled off many crimes eventually gets caught and given the death sentence. The judge, who is impressed with his elusiveness, tells the criminal that he can choose how he would like to die. Given the criminal's intelligence, how does he choose to die?

If you would like to know or guess the answer, feel free to PM me, no matter how old this becomes.
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oIsbQuFqthw/R2zxl8F47cI/AAAAAAAAAh0/6TyDiuJsRts/s320/fut.jpg
DEATH BY SNU SNU!

[Death]

image (http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oIsbQuFqthw/R2zxl8F47cI/AAAAAAAAAh0/6TyDiuJsRts/s320/fut.jpg)
DEATH BY SNU SNU!

Not quite the answer I had in mind, but I suppose this is good too. :rolleyes:

A blonde was speeding when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer, who, incidently, was blonde, asked for the driver's license.

The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the policewoman.

The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "Now why didn't you tell me you were a police officer? You're free to go."

[skinny_white_boy]

Two saggy boobs were talking.
One said to the other "you better perk up, or somebody will think were nuts!"

[the wasabi]

Why did simba's father die?
He couldn't MUFASA.

[Sugaree]

What did the two tampons say to each other? Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches.

[the wasabi]

what's invisible and smells like carrots?

rabbit farts.

[Sith Lord 13]

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_6PqEFq0Q1Jc/SeTMwH_RiTI/AAAAAAAAAnE/Jri8btWzv7Y/s400/misogyny_hard_to_spell-150.jpg

[Quick_Sylver]

image (http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_6PqEFq0Q1Jc/SeTMwH_RiTI/AAAAAAAAAnE/Jri8btWzv7Y/s400/misogyny_hard_to_spell-150.jpg)

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_s_Zp1TpswnM/TVC_rPn_nqI/AAAAAAAAAD8/doYUS5IZwE8/s1600/Misandry.jpg

[John Marston]

The Duck Song. YouTube that shit up.

[CBF posting it here]

[Sith Lord 13]

http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0907/women-have-smaller-feet-women-feet-kitchen-demotivational-poster-1247758446.jpg

[ShatteredWings]

She's orange do you think she knows what a kitchen is?

[Sith Lord 13]

http://www.hiphophater.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/sexist-joke1-300x239.gif

[Death]

What is the best part about a blowjob from your wife?

Five minutes of silence.

[Sith Lord 13]

http://i48.tinypic.com/ml2yb9.jpg

[Death]

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?

Made her chain too long.

[Sith Lord 13]

http://img233.imageshack.us/img233/1966/sexism.jpg

[Death]

What's the worst part of getting a sex change from a man to a woman?

Having half your brain removed.

[Sith Lord 13]

2721

[Peace God]

"I'm a middle aged white man. I know exactly what's right for you."

[Death]

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?

Pregnant.

[Sith Lord 13]

http://www.cartoonstock.com/lowres/gri0005l.jpg

[Death]

What's the difference between a toilet and a woman?

A toilet doesn't follow you around once you've used it.

[Fushigi]

STEWARDESS: Do you want a drink, sir?

SIR: What are my choices?

STEWARDESS: Yes or No.

[Iron Man]

Why did the woman cross the road? Doesn't matter. What is she doing outside the kitchen?

[Sith Lord 13]

2737

[Death]

Why did God create lesbians?

So that feminists couldn't breed.

[Memory]

Yo mama is so fat every time she walks in high heels, she strikes oil

[Death]

What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

[Sith Lord 13]

What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?

Slap her on the ass and send her back to the kitchen.

[Quick_Sylver]

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for air and yelling your name?

You aren't holding the pillow long enough.

[Death]

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

[Sith Lord 13]

The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women


Fine - I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.

That's Okay - One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake.

Nothing - The calm before the storm. This means "Something" and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (See #1).

Five Minutes - If getting dressed, this means half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It's the same definition for you when it's your turn to do some chores around the house.)

Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, "You're welcome," and let it go.

Loud Sigh - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing." (See #3)

Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. (Don't Do It!)

Don't worry about it, I got it - The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, see #3.)

[Death]

What is worse than a male, chauvinistic pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.

[Sith Lord 13]

Bathrooms

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel 6.

The average number of items in a woman's bathroom is 328. The average man would not be able to identify most of them.

[ShatteredWings]

Bathrooms

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel 6.

The average number of items in a woman's bathroom is 328. The average man would not be able to identify most of them.

I find this to be true with my mother :P

[Example..]

What is mary short for? she has no legs..

[Sith Lord 13]

Differences Between Man and Women

Eating Out

When the bill arrives, John, Brad, Tony and Daniel will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.25. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they want change back.

When Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

[whodatbe]

hahaha my friend told me this super lame one
two guys walk into a bar. ouch

[Sith Lord 13]

Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

[skinny_white_boy]

I've bought myself a chinchilla.

That should keep my face nice and cool in this warm weather.
Pun!


My mates call me gay because I can't stay on a skateboard for longer a minute.

I'd like to see them try it with high heels on



What's green and smells of pork?

Kermit's finger.

[justmehere]

What's green and smells of pork?

Kermit's finger.

thats funny XD lol

[Sith Lord 13]

What's brown and sticky?

A stick!

[Death]

What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

[Sith Lord 13]

Women are crazy. Men are stupid. The main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

[deadpie]

Wow! I don't find any of these jokes funny. They're all immature and dumb. I know you're trying to bring laughter and positivity to the place by making jokes, but I don't care at all. I just feel the need to take a gigantic shit on something positive so I can go back to posting threads about how much I hate my life.

-----------------------------------

Statistically 9/11 Americans won't get this.
/

I still remember the words I said to my girlfriend the day we became engaged.
I fell to my knees and said, 'I thought you were on the fucking pill!'
/
As a child I learnt a lot of things from Disney films.
For instance, going around kissing women who are in a coma is acceptable.
/

My friend said to me, "You're unreal - you'd fuck anything with a pulse!"
A pulse? I'm not that fussy!
/

My new girlfriend is pretty much a bike.
She's not a slut or anything, I just chain her up in the garage at night.
/

Me and my girlfriend had a pillow fight in bed last night.
She struggled for quite some time, but I held it down tight until she finally stopped moving.

[Sith Lord 13]

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/cecdde0b-0bd2-4f67-9752-3bb86c47aa64.jpg

[Rayquaza]

Q: Difference between a straight and a bi?
A: Two pints of lager

I heard that off "Come fly with me"

[Sith Lord 13]

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/b545c3f3-c398-43fc-8d66-5e28420617c3.jpg

[Jody Jackson]

"In the Soviet Union, a Comrade Commissar went up to a farmer and said, "How are the Crops?"

"Oh, the crops have never been better. In fact, if we were to pile all of the potatoes up, they would reach the foot of God," the farmer said.

The Comrade Commissar said, "But this is the Soviet Union, there is no God."

The farmer replied, "That's okay, there're no potatoes."

---Ronald Reagan

[Blind]

image (http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/cecdde0b-0bd2-4f67-9752-3bb86c47aa64.jpg)

I dont get it :what:

[Sith Lord 13]

I dont get it :what:

It's a metro-gnome. :P

[Kaya]

It's a metro-gnome. :P

Lolz. Well, that's very......punny :)



Here's a conversation my brother's nurse and I had about the way my dog smelled...


Beth: Wow. I just got a woof of it.

Me: Aha. That's punny.

Beth: We crack ourselves up.




Yepp.

[Sith Lord 13]

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/72a9605f-00cd-4201-a068-516a9bdc8bb6.jpg

[Kaya]

Knock- Knock
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Quit crying...it's only a joke.


Bahahahhahha

[Sith Lord 13]

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/1fff4fc4-961e-4c1d-be26-bf9ea7cf8de1.jpg

[Kaya]

Why did the mother clam scold her child?
He was being shellfish.

[Sith Lord 13]

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/a3494af4-f4cb-4bfd-8204-2aeaef658199.jpg

[Sugaree]

Keeping all the shitty image macros out.

There's a new drink called the Osama Bin Laden. All it takes is two shots and a splash of water.

Osama Bin Laden was killed in Abbottabad. Talk abbottabad place to hide.

[Sith Lord 13]

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/7003092c-ca45-48eb-8868-29e1eea59ded.jpg

[Death]

http://static.funnyjunk.com/pictures/1833c366_ad26_bfcc.jpg

[Sith Lord 13]

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/7081193b-31b4-48eb-8c4d-046c3d1eca18.jpg

[Death]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/6430a3b8-ce21-412b-8761-d546b4560833.jpg

[Sith Lord 13]

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/funny-puns-if-life-gives-you-melons.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/funny-puns-captains-log.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/funny-puns-water-conducts-electricity.jpg

[blackout123123]

bwahaha! "water conducts electricity!" XD i love it

[Death]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2008/01/epicfail.jpg

[Sugaree]

So an Irishman walks out of a bar...

[Death]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/epic-fail-photos-enter-fail.jpg

[Sith Lord 13]

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/funny-puns-hell-bring-you-virgins.jpg
http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/funny-puns-id-watch-this-too.jpg
http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/funny-puns-istanbul.jpg

[Death]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/fail-owned-hat-fail.jpg?w=500&h=667

[Sith Lord 13]

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/funny-puns-what-a-quack.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/funny-puns-so-what-do-you-do-for-twitter.jpg

[Death]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2008/01/mcfail.jpg

^^ Mcfail

[Sith Lord 13]

http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/demotivational-posters-ninja-not-found.jpg

http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/demotivational-posters-the-end-times-are-nigh.jpg

[RoseyCadaver]

Who is the worlds biggest secretive cross dresser and drag queen?Lady GaGa.

[Death]

Useless cat:

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2008/01/useless_cat.jpg

[Sith Lord 13]

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/funny-puns-cat-or-pillar.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/funny-puns-beetlejews.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/funny-puns-space-capsule.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/funny-puns-voltage-divided-by-current-is-futile.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/4e2309c1-036b-4778-8962-c81e169167b7.jpg

[Death]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2008/01/rapist.jpg

[ShatteredWings]

image (http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/funny-puns-voltage-divided-by-current-is-futile.jpg)
Neeeerd jokes

image (http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2008/01/rapist.jpg)
Old. :P

[rosettakalena]

Pete and Repeat go on a walk. Pete goes home. Who's left?

Repeat.

Pete and Repeat go on a walk. Pete goes home. Who's left?

[Quick_Sylver]

Q: How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
A: Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

Q: What do you call lesbian twins?
A: Lick-a-likes.

Q: What's the definition of confusion?
A: Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

~

A woman walks into her doctor’s office and says "Doctor, I have this terrible rash." She lifts up her sweater to reveal a large ’M’ shaped rash.

The doctor replies, "Now that is the strangest rash I’ve ever seen."

The woman explains, "Well my boyfriend goes to Michigan and refuses to take off his letter sweater when we make love."

The doctor shrugs her shoulders, prescribes some lotion and sends the woman on her way.

The next day another woman comes in with a very similar rash. "How did you get that?" the doctor asks.

"My boyfriend goes to MIT and he refuses to take his letter sweater off when we make love," she says.

The doctor prescribes some lotion and sends the young lady on her way.

The third day another young woman comes into the doctor’s office and she too has a big rash in the shape of an ’M’ on her chest.

"Let me guess," the doctor says. "Your boyfriend goes to Maryland?"

"No," the patient replies, "My girlfriend goes to Wellesley."

~

And one more;

A young woman, in the course of her college life, came to terms with her homosexuality and decided to come out of the closet.

Her plan was to tell her mother first; so on her next home visit, she went to the kitchen, where her mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon.

Rather nervously, she explained to her that she had realized she was gay.

Without looking up from her stew, her mother said, "You mean, lesbian?"

"Well... yes."

Still without looking up: "Does that mean lick women down below?"

Caught off guard, the young woman eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative.

With that, her mother turned to her and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under her nose, snapped:
"Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"

[Sith Lord 13]

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/65480a89-985b-4fe2-bdc9-9dd2f62e1681.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/b0f309b2-4bfd-4e55-8a2f-dbfff5742b19.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/funny-puns-gentlemon.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/funny-puns-better-late-than-never.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/funny-puns-darth-wader.jpg

[AllThatYouDreamed]

image (http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/b0f309b2-4bfd-4e55-8a2f-dbfff5742b19.jpg)
Nerdiest Proposal Ever.

[Death]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/epic-fail-photos-show-carinival-fail.jpg

[Sith Lord 13]

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/funny-puns-hentai.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/funny-puns-the-real-way-the-wizard-works.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/scared-the-carp-wm.jpg?w=345&h=644

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/funny-puns-designated-driver.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/funny-puns-in-a-pickle.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/b045a24c-065e-4b89-a9d4-a10a78e6b0ed.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/7bd87599-bc8d-459d-9cab-bd8010ec4443.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/funny-puns-dogshtz-also-work.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/funny-puns-mathematicians-too.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/641cb7d1-7235-4303-ae0c-51432433b8cc.jpg

[Dorsum Oppel]

I hope I don't get in trouble. (http://radiobread.tumblr.com/post/6531866874)

[Sith Lord 13]

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/emperor-penguin.jpg?w=460&h=359

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/funny-puns-vice-president-needs-vice-vicepresident.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/funny-puns-ninja-party.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/funny-puns-it-needs-to-look-a-little-sophisticated.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/funny-puns-soooooo-awkward.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/daada091-804c-4947-92a1-7f379a9246a0.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/1a8ebe57-0906-421f-9dff-21830de7d3ed.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/funny-puns-radioactivity.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/funny-puns-not-exactly-chuck-norris-but-it-is.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/funny-puns-plaidipus.jpg

[Neverender]

A black man, a homosexual and a jew walk into a bar.

What a fine example of our societie's multiculturalism.

[deadpie]

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_llxd5kjgmR1qajnfno1_500.jpg

http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lmov3mvHtF1qe0mwuo1_500.jpg

http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lmepg7f4UW1qhhhaco1_500.gif

http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lkx7baiCKC1qhcpp3o1_500.png

Going to McDonald's for a salad?
That makes about as much sense as going to crack-house for vitamins.

I took this personality test on the internet, and it said... "Describe yourself in one word."
I answered, "Not good at following instructions."

[Sith Lord 13]

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/funny-puns-dads-are-the-worst.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/funny-puns-facepalm.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/f8420c30-f3cc-45a9-9a4a-aba9943ce0cb.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/aa0be9c9-4a58-45f0-b745-adf370724fb5.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/funny-puns-ace-of-basic-figures.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/funny-puns-van-diagram.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/4e1d5d9d-8073-4550-8912-b8249fb82cfc.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/9b323b36-55e0-4396-8bcc-f2ef38a09761.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/3253bbe3-970b-4239-b24d-be58d1589bab.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/funny-puns-the-catcher-in-the-rye.jpg

[Neverender]

http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Comics/Rob/charles_outtatown.png
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Comics/Kris/purchase.png
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Comics/Rob/finished.png
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Comics/Kris/base.png

[Sith Lord 13]

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/funny-puns-sandwich-on-so-many-levels.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/funny-puns-fridge-magnet.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/funny-puns-delete-cookies.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/funny-puns-bassic-puns.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/9991bcd5-07d5-4b0e-b1a3-9f22affa142b.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/funny-puns-frsrs.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/funny-puns-our-house-in-the-middle-of-our-street.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/77ccbcbb-6461-46e8-a187-4907407c926c.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/7dee30e8-ec81-4012-9eb0-6193c9148728.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/funny-puns-morning-cup-of-g-i-joe.jpg

[MilitemDilectam]

That classic Leslie Nielsen line from Airplane "I am serious...and don't call me Shirley"

[Death]

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/3a/Nosmokingtray.jpg

[Awesome]

How did Helen Kellers parents punish her, they left a plunger in the toilet and didn't tell her.

[CyanideGoodnight]

A boy goes up to his dad and says "Dad, I need to put down the difference between theoretically and realistically for my homework, can you help?" The dad in reply says "Sure son, go to your mom and ask her if she would sleep with a man for half a million dollars"

So the son goes out back and asks his mom, comes running back screaming "She said yes dad, she said yes, what should I put down for my homework?" The dad says "You will see son, now go ask your sister the same question."

The son comes running back a few minutes later saying "She said yes too dad, she said yes! What does this mean, I don't understand what this has to do with my homework."

The dad looks at his son and says "Well son, I'll tell you what it had to do with your homework. The difference between theoretically and realistically is that theoretically, we're sitting on a million dollars. Realistically, we're living with a bunch of whores."

[Maxxie]

http://yourfreepictures.net/verticles/1311289759501.jpg

http://yourfreepictures.net/verticles/1311289931643.jpg

http://yourfreepictures.net/verticles/1311291900988.jpg

http://yourfreepictures.net/verticles/1311288540682.jpg

[Sith Lord 13]

http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2011/08/demotivational-posters-sarah-jessica-parker.jpg

http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2011/08/demotivational-posters-dvd-writer.jpg

http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2011/08/demotivational-posters-i-see.jpg

http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2011/08/demotivational-posters-dude.jpg

http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/demotivational-posters-daughters1.jpg

http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/demotivational-posters-one-of-these-is-incredibly-gay.jpg

http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2011/07/demotivational-posters-umm-boss.jpg

http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2011/08/demotivational-posters-thats-what-she-said1.jpg

http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2011/08/demotivational-posters-worst-transformer-ever.jpg

http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2011/08/demotivational-posters-jousting.jpg

[Maxxie]

http://www.nerdnirvana.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/never-give-you.jpg

What's that, Joker? You'll be back? Somehow, I don't think you will be.

Please do not double post. Thanks. ~TheMatrix

[Iron Man]

Dead baby joke time!!!

Whats the difference between a dead baby and your grandma?
-Its frowned upon to fuck your grandma in the ass.

[Kitty Purry]

How do you get a pound and a half our of a fly? ^_^


You Unzip it.

[gmath65]

Dead baby Joke: How many dead babies does it take to paint a house? - Well, It depends on how hard you throw them... (oh thats horrible, I'm such a bad person)

Now a Riddle: Whats greater than God more evil than the evil, oh and poor people have it when rich people don't...?








The answer: nothing

[Bath]

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to your house.
Knock Knock. Who's there? THE CHICKEN.

It's kind of lame but I think it's cute :p

[Maxxie]

I dream of a world where chickens can cross the street without having their motives questioned.

[Amaryllis]

Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.

[DoctorWho]

dead baby joke: What's blue and thrashes about on the floor?
A baby playing in a plastic bag.

[deadpie]

http://i.imgur.com/EcIy5.png

http://h6.abload.de/img/7513g70s.jpg

http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lnfc70nrrD1qc17bso1_500.jpg

[Infidelitas]

....I was in in the public restroom - I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall: "Hi, how are you?"
Me: (embarrassed), "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

[DoctorWho]

Blonde joke: A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[SimplyTom]

Where do cows go on a saturday night?

To the moooooooooovies

[louisgray]

Blonde joke: A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Haha lol

[DoctorWho]

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[RockinRobyn]

haha I love this thread

[DoctorWho]

haha I love this thread

Course you do

[Short Circuit]

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."

To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a dick that big!

[superstar2067]

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."

To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a dick that big!

This made me laugh :P Did not see it coming :P

[Short Circuit]

Whats the difference between a wank and a tank?


You can hear when a tank is comming!!!!!!

[factorblue]

How was copper wire invented?

Two Jews found a penny at the same time.

[Sugaree]

What's a West Virginia virgin? A girl that can run faster than her brother.

[Short Circuit]

Two Texans were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo.
His friend says no, what is it?
Well you mount your wife from the back,
reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.
Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".
Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds. ;)

[Wheatley]

Old riddle for you.
What's more powerful then both God and the devil,
Poor people have it, rich people don't need it...


Nothing

[Short Circuit]

I wish I was a glow worm
A glow worms never glum
Cuz how can you be grumpy
When the sun shines out your bum

Dad joins facebook
Kid changes status to: Dad joined facebook wtf!
Dad writes what does wtf mean?
Kid replies "Welcome to Facebook!"


Thinking process of girls: (f(x))^nf'(PMS Sucks)dx=1/n+1(f(Boys are stupid))^n+1+c

Thinking process of boys: Porn = Life



Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself. Moral of the story; in life, no one helps you once your fucked!

[Short Circuit]

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:-Knowing when to come in out of the rain; - Why the early bird gets the worm;- Life isn't always fair; - And maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies, don't spend more than you can earn and adults, not children, are in charge. His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife Discretion, his daughter Responsibility, and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights,I Want It Now,Someone Else Is To Blame,I'm A Victim.Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

[Short Circuit]

A covicted murderer escapes prison...He breaks into a young couples house. After tying up the couple, he looks over at the wife and pushes her onto the bed..He whispers in her ear.. He then walks slowly into the bathroom. After he leaves the room the husband quietly speaks to his wife. Pssst...Honey..He appears very interested in you. He looks like the vicious escaped killer we heard about. He probably hasnt had sex in years. Just do everything he asks..Please him in every way possible. He may let us go. And remember honey. I love you. Take one for the team.. His wife looked back. Honey. He whispered in my ear. He said he thinks your cute, and where is the vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Oh, and remember honey....I LOVE YOU TOO...

[Wheatley]

A covicted murderer escapes prison...He breaks into a young couples house. After tying up the couple, he looks over at the wife and pushes her onto the bed..He whispers in her ear.. He then walks slowly into the bathroom. After he leaves the room the husband quietly speaks to his wife. Pssst...Honey..He appears very interested in you. He looks like the vicious escaped killer we heard about. He probably hasnt had sex in years. Just do everything he asks..Please him in every way possible. He may let us go. And remember honey. I love you. Take one for the team.. His wife looked back. Honey. He whispered in my ear. He said he thinks your cute, and where is the vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Oh, and remember honey....I LOVE YOU TOO...

Haha nice. One word sums that up.... Whey!

[Short Circuit]

Strange but true

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (O.M.G.!!!) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home . What the...?) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (Talk about a southpaw.) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts. (and God love that pig)......

[Short Circuit]

Sing along to the tune "I will survive" by Gloria Gaynor:

At first i was afraid , i was petrified! when u said u had 10 inches, lord i almost died!but id spent so many nights just waiting for a man that long, that i grew strong and knew that i could take u on... But there u are ,another lie, I was ready for a Big mac and u brought me a french fry! I should have known that it was bullshit , a sad pathetic dream! should have known there was no anaconda lurking there inside your jeans! Go on now - go - walk out the door dont u promise me 10 inches and then only turn up with 4 .. weren't u a prat to think i wouldnt find out? Dont u no were only joking when we say size dont count? I will survive as long as i have batteries, my sex life's going to thrive! I will always have good sex with a handful of latex i will survive i will survive HEY HEY !.

[Blind]

Dad joins facebook
Kid changes status to: Dad joined facebook wtf!
Dad writes what does wtf mean?
Kid replies "Welcome to Facebook!"



haha thats awesome

---

Heres one I found


A mother is invited by her son, Anthony, for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate that meets the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates. His mother, however was not convinced. Later, she decided to do a little test. When Anthony and Tina were in another room she took a sugar bowl from the kitchen and placed it in Tina's Bed. About a week later, Tina came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure. " So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mum, I'm not saying that you "DID" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "DID NOT" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read: Dear SON, I'm not saying that you "DO" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "DO NOT" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if SHE.. ..................was sleeping in her OWN... BED, SHE.... would have found the sugar bowl by now.!! ;) Love, Mum..... xx .. Moral:: NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER.!!

[Jordan1234]

Daughter asks Mom:
- Mom how is the felling of the first sex
- Well, it is like loosing teeth
- Pff how like loosing teeth?
- You feel hurt but u dont want to get it off! :D

[Bath]

Daughter asks Mom:
- Mom how is the felling of the first sex
- Well, it is like loosing teeth
- Pff how like loosing teeth?
- You feel hurt but u dont want to get it off! :D

I don't get it.

[Genghis Khan]

Why did the boy drop his ice cream?

Because he got hit by a bus.

[Bath]

Why did Hellen Keller's dog kill himself?

Well you would too if your name was "uhdsjjnlldesf"

[Quick_Sylver]

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:-Knowing when to come in out of the rain; - Why the early bird gets the worm;- Life isn't always fair; - And maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies, don't spend more than you can earn and adults, not children, are in charge. His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife Discretion, his daughter Responsibility, and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights,I Want It Now,Someone Else Is To Blame,I'm A Victim.Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Dude. This is going on my blog.

~~

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

[prob1996]

On one side of the world, there is a man walking a tight rope and on the other side of the world, there is a man getting a bj from a 90 yr old woman. They have the exact same thought at the exact same time. What is it?



A: Don't look down :P

[Bath]

I heard an English nerd joke today...

Two english teachers are on an airplane, and one of them asks the other, "where are you from?" The second english teacher replies, "I'm from a place where I know better than to end a sentence with a preposition." So then the first english teacher sighs and says, "Ok, then where are you from... bitch?"

[Genghis Khan]

I know what I'm doing on halloween.

The first one that comes knocking at my door.