Jokes and Riddles

[Charleigh]

What do you give youre grandad to stop him pissing on his slippers?
VIAGRA

[The Joker]

What has been on more red carpets than Joan Rivers?

An Irish lesbian.

[Sugaree]

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the
first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance
back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman was so curious that she respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said,
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was
trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

[karl]

A sausage walks into a bar and asks for a sandwich.

The barman says - 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

[ShatteredWings]

What has been on more red carpets than Joan Rivers?

An Irish lesbian.
lmfao
that took awhile to figure out but NICE ONE.

[Obscene Eyedeas]

A blond a brunette and a red hed are being chased by the police.
They come to this orchard and decide to hide in the trees.
The brunette in the first the red head in the second and the blond in the third.

The police go to the first tree "Come down, come down we know your up there"
and the brunette says tweet tweet. Thinkn its a bird they move on.

At the second tree they again yell. "Come down, come down we know your up there"
and the red head says meow. thinkn its a cat they move on.

At the last tree they say "Come down, come down we know your up there"
and the blond says "MOO!!!!!!!!!!!"

[Gumleaf]

a guy walked into a bar. you would think he would have seen it.

[theOperaGhost]

A Jew, a Mexican, and a black guy walk into a bar. The bartender says to them "get the fuck out."

[Alfred Pennyworth]

An Asian, a Mexican, and an American are going on a trip in a hot air balloon. A while into their trip, their balloon starts losing altitude. Nothing they try works, so they decide that they need to lighten their load. The Asian man says, "Well, we have to much rice in asia", so he throws out a bag of rice he had brought along for food. They slow down sinking a bit, but they still need to get rid of more weight. The mexican says "Well, we have too many burritos in Mexico" so he throws out a box of burritos that he had brought. They slow down a bit more, but they still need to lose more weight, so the American says "Well we have too many Mexicans in America.", so he throws out the Mexican and the balloon starts rising again.

[Rebecca L Vaughn]

Very sad lol

[TheKingDavis]

One day a white guy, a mexican guy, and a black guy are in a garden.
farmer bob comes out with his 12 guage and says "Alright you damned thiefs, im gonna blow your heads off"
the men plead and beg, finally farmer bob says "ok shut yer trap, i gots a task for you, go through my garden and pick one of your favorite foods, then come back to me"
the men go off and find the foods
farmer bob says "drop yer drawers" (underwear)
so hesitantly the men do as told, farmer bob then announces "heres what you have to do, you must take one of the food thats you grabbed and stick it up your butt without any facial expressions or noise"

he stand in front of the white guy and says "yer up"
the white guy reveals the grapes he picked, takes one and inserts it
the farmer walks up to the mexican and says "yer up"
the mexican is fixing to put the lime in, then he starts to giggle
the farmer says "thats it, ima blowin your damned head off, but before i do, would you a mind explainin what in the hell was so damned funny"

the mexican says "well senior, i was concentrating, but then i noticed the black guy, and started giggling because he picked a watermelon"

[Sage]

What's the hardest part of rollerblading?

Telling your father you're gay.

[The Joker]

Oh Tim, you make me chuckle.

[Sugaree]

What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common?

They both have a one in a million chance of becoming human.

[martin2008]

Why are married women heavier than single women?

single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see whats in bed and go to the fridge.

[Alfred Pennyworth]

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[Doctor Fate]

Why did the turkey cross the road?

Because the chicken got hit by a car.

Hehe. :P

[Giles]

Why did the turkey cross the road?

Because the chicken got hit by a car.

Hehe. :P

That's a 'version' I've never actually heard before.

[Alfred Pennyworth]

Q: Why did the chicken run across the road?
A: There was a car coming.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
A: She wanted to lay it on the line.
Q: Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
A: She wanted to stretch her legs.
Q: Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
A: She was afraid someone would caesar!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum it could actually be done!

[Whisper]

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says
'Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.'

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible!!! So
many men dying that way!'

Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and
there is always that risk involved.'

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a
Brazilian?'

[Zephyr]

Took me a second, but I got it, lol

[mrmcdonaldduck]

The FBI puts an Ad in the newspaper, "Wanted FBI agents." After
sorting through all the applicants they narrow it down to
three. They bring the first in for an interview and the
interviewing agent says to the gentleman, "We are the FBI, we
solemnly do the duty of the country and always put the country
before ourselves. Anything asked of us, we must do. Whether we
like it or not. All our agents must be totally loyal." The guy
responds that he always wanted to be an FBI agent and it has
been his dream.

The agent then pulls out a gun and puts it on the table.
"Please, go into the next room where your wife is and shoot
her."

The gentleman gets a repulsed look upon his face. "I can't do
that. She is my wife and I love her with all my heart!"

The agent than says that he just isn't FBI material, but thanks
him for coming down.

They then bring in the second man. The agent goes over the
speel of loyalty for the country above all else. "I always
wanted to be an agent, my lifelong goal it was ever since I was
a school boy," he replies.

The agent than proceeds to pull out the gun and place it on the
table. "Please, go into the next room and shoot your wife," FBI
agent says, calmly.

The man than replies, "I can't do that, although we have our
problems, I can't kill her. She is the mother of my three
kids...she's just too important."

The agent offers his respect, but with regret tells him that he
just isn't FBI material.

Finally, the third gentleman is brought in. They go over the
speel and the agent puts the gun on the table and asks him to
go shoot his wife. The man nods, takes the gun and enters the
next room.

Five or six shots are heard and then are proceeded by sounds of
things slamming into the wall, tables splintering and
shattering, muffled screams and metal bending. The FBI agent
runs to the room with astonishment and confusion on his face.

"What did you do?"

The man calmly replies, "The gun was full of blanks, so I had
to beat her to death with a chair!"

[Katrina]

lol

before marriage........

Boy : Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

Girl : Do you want me to leave?

Boy : NO! Don't even think about it.

Girl : Do you love me?

Boy : Of course! Over and over!

Girl : Have you ever cheated on me?

Boy : NO! Why are you even asking?

Girl : Will you kiss me?

Boy : Every chance I get!

Girl : Will you hit me?

Boy : Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!

Girl : Can I trust you?

Boy : Yes.

Girl : Darling!

After Marriage ...... SIMPLY READ FROM BOTTOM TO TOP !!!
__________________

[The Dark Lord]

What do you call a black man stuck at the top of the stairs?...
Steven Hawkings in a house fire!

[Death]

No racism meant, but here's one:

Why don't black people dream? Because the last black man who "have a dream!" was killed.

[Camaro1985]

What do you call a mushroom that walks into a bar and buys everyone a drink?

A fungi.
Why did the Fungi have to leave?

Because there wasn't mushroom.


What's black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white?

A penguin rolling down a hill.

What's black and white and laughing?

The penguin that pushed him.

[Alfred Pennyworth]

So a man goes out with his buddies for a night on the town. When he wakes up the next day, there's an aspirin, a glass of water, some chocolate, a rose, and a note from his wife saying "I'm out shopping, be back in a few hours." So he takes the aspirin, and feeling a bit better, he goes downstairs. His son is eating breakfast at the table so he asks him, "Son, what happened last night?" His son responds "Well, you came home drunk, barfed all over yourself, broke the coffee table, and crawled into bed covered in your own sick. Mom tried to get your clothes off, but when she did, you yelled at her, 'Get your hands off of me bitch, I'm married'"

[kenoloor]

Why did the Fungi have to leave?

Because there wasn't mushroom.


What's black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white?

A penguin rolling down a hill.

What's black and white and laughing?

The penguin that pushed him.

What's worse than death?

Reading that post.

[Zero Beat]

A guy shares a bunk bed with his little brother.

Later that day he brings his girlfriend home. They go to the top bunk and start to have sex. The guy says, "If you want it harder say tomato and if you want it softer say lettuce."

The girl says ok and starts
"tomato tomato tomato lettuce lettuce tomato tomato"

Then the little brother stands up from the bottom bunk and says "quit making sandwiches, you're getting mayonaise on me."

(Sorry if its too much, or done before)

[deadpie]

What do necrophiliacs call morticians? Pimps.

[Kahn]

My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day.

Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

I lol'd so hard at this.

[Iron Man]

Ok, so there are three guys in a hot-air balloon: one is Russian, one is Mexican, and one is American. They all decide to throw one item off that their country has too much of. The Russian throws off a bottle of vodka, the Mexican throws off a bottle of tequilla, and the American throws off the Mexican.

[kenoloor]

Ok, so there are three guys in a hot-air balloon: one is Russian, one is Mexican, and one is American. They all decide to throw one item off that their country has too much of. The Russian throws off a bottle of vodka, the Mexican throws off a bottle of tequilla, and the American throws off the Mexican.

My town has a 'little Mexico.' Ding ding ding.

[Death]

A foreign asylum seeker in Britain meets a genie and is given three wishes. He says, "I'm hungry." and PING, a banquet appears before him. For his second wish, he says, "I wish to have somewhere nice to live." and PING, a mansion appears before him. For his third wish, he says, "I want to be British." and POOF; both his mansion and banquet vanishes.

When he questioned the genie about this, it replied, "You're British now. You're entitled to fuck all mate!".

[MadWorld]

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

[Kahn]

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

No matter how corny it was, I lawl'd.

[Evermore]

1. click the bar above the image 2. Recieve lol's

http://static.funnyjunk.com/pictures/phpgfjhjgmh.jpg

[kenoloor]

1. click the bar above the image 2. Recieve lol's

http://static.funnyjunk.com/pictures/phpgfjhjgmh.jpg

Numbah Ten. Always happens to me. Sooo annoying.

[Jess]

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."



lol


there should be a laughing smilie here lol

[Sugaree]

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo' drizzle.

A pirate goes into a bar with a steering wheel dug into his crotch. The bartender asks, "Hey buddy, how'd you get that thing in there?" The pirate replied, "I don't know, but it's drivin' me nuts."

[Gumleaf]

this joke is a bit dirty so if you are easily offended, please don't keep reading......


A woman goes in to the green grocers and asks 4 a cucumber he replys whole or sliced ??? she says ive got a fanny not a slot machine

[kenoloor]

this joke is a bit dirty so if you are easily offended, please don't keep reading......


A woman goes in to the green grocers and asks 4 a cucumber he replys whole or sliced ??? she says ive got a fanny not a slot machine

xD lol. Nice.

[Whisper]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v516/Iluminati/1268923136506.jpg

[Zephyr]

LOL Cody
As terrible as that is, still funny.

[Alfred Pennyworth]

A pirate goes into a bar with a steering wheel dug into his crotch. The bartender asks, "Hey buddy, how'd you get that thing in there?" The pirate replied, "I don't know, but it's drivin' me nuts."

Even though that's almost the corniest joke that i've ever heard, i lol'd SO hard. Awesome!

[kenoloor]

Even though that's almost the corniest joke that i've ever heard, i lol'd SO hard. Awesome!

Agreed. A friend of mine told me that in school, and I was laughing for a solid five-ten minutes after it, just cuz it was soo freaking cheesy.

[The Joker]

Cody, that's horrible! But awesome.

[Sugaree]

A man is driving to his office one morning. Out of nowhere, in the passenger seat, Jesus appears. The man is shocked and amazed. He says to Jesus, "My Lord! What are you doing here?"

"My child, this is simply but a vision. I am not truly in the flesh."

"I know, but this is amazing! But why have you given me this vision?"

"Since you have been in the good graces of the Father, you have been awarded with the opportunity to enter heaven when you die no matter what you do in your earthly life."

The man is dumbfounded by this, and he asks Jesus, "Well there must be a catch!" Jesus answered, "Yes, but only one catch."

"What is it my Lord? I will do anything!"

Jesus looks further up the road for a few moments. He turns to the man and says, "You see that black guy crossing the street...?"

[Marcie]

A man is driving to his office one morning. Out of nowhere, in the passenger seat, Jesus appears. The man is shocked and amazed. He says to Jesus, "My Lord! What are you doing here?"

"My child, this is simply but a vision. I am not truly in the flesh."

"I know, but this is amazing! But why have you given me this vision?"

"Since you have been in the good graces of the Father, you have been awarded with the opportunity to enter heaven when you die no matter what you do in your earthly life."

The man is dumbfounded by this, and he asks Jesus, "Well there must be a catch!" Jesus answered, "Yes, but only one catch."

"What is it my Lord? I will do anything!"

Jesus looks further up the road for a few moments. He turns to the man and says, "You see that black guy crossing the street...?"

I don't get it...

[Sugaree]

I don't get it...

I was implying Jesus is a racist :P

[AgusCO]

A man is driving to his office one morning. Out of nowhere, in the passenger seat, Jesus appears. The man is shocked and amazed. He says to Jesus, "My Lord! What are you doing here?"

"My child, this is simply but a vision. I am not truly in the flesh."

"I know, but this is amazing! But why have you given me this vision?"

"Since you have been in the good graces of the Father, you have been awarded with the opportunity to enter heaven when you die no matter what you do in your earthly life."

The man is dumbfounded by this, and he asks Jesus, "Well there must be a catch!" Jesus answered, "Yes, but only one catch."

"What is it my Lord? I will do anything!"

Jesus looks further up the road for a few moments. He turns to the man and says, "You see that black guy crossing the street...?"

Nice =)

[Rutherford The Brave]

Do you know why men are no longer allowed to grill? Its cooking, just outdoors thats a womens job, you might as well just stick a bathroom out there to make it more authentic.

[kenoloor]

Do you know why men are no longer allowed to grill? Its cooking, just outdoors thats a womens job, you might as well just stick a bathroom out there to make it more authentic.

Win.

[Aves]

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?


Cause she's a woman :P

[YesterdaysNews]

Sexist. >.<



:P

[Aves]

The word of the day is "legs", so lets go out and spread the word! :D



P.S:2,500 post!! :D

[Marcie]

A woman shoots her husband, hold him under water for 5 minutes then hangs him. After that she takes him out to dinner.
how?

[Aves]

A woman shoots her husband, hold him under water for 5 minutes then hangs him. After that she takes him out to dinner.
how?

I don't get it :S Please explain.

[kenoloor]

A woman shoots her husband, hold him under water for 5 minutes then hangs him. After that she takes him out to dinner.
how?

What the fuck?

[Marcie]

I don't get it :S Please explain.

What the fuck?

Hehe
HINT: think about the different meanings of the word "shoot."

[kenoloor]

Hehe
HINT: think about the different meanings of the word "shoot."

Oh, nice. I get it now.

[Marcie]

Oh, nice. I get it now.

Congratulations :-) (You should PM me what you think the answer is)

[magikarpy]

A blonde is down on her luck so she gets in her head that she should kidnap a young child and hold him ransom. She goes to the playground and finds the perfect child to kidnap. She takes him to her car tells the child that she is kidnapping him and sends him back with a note saying:

I have kidnapped your child if you ever want to see him again leave 10,000 dollars under the slide.
Signed, a blonde.

When she comes back the next day sure enough there is a bag with 10,000 dollars sitting there with a note attatched saying:

How could you do this to a fellow blonde?

I love blonde jokes. I would think I would be offended considering I am a blonde female but I find them so amazingly funny. You just have to learn to laugh at yourself to get along in life.

[Marcie]

A blonde is down on her luck so she gets in her head that she should kidnap a young child and hold him ransom. She goes to the playground and finds the perfect child to kidnap. She takes him to her car tells the child that she is kidnapping him and sends him back with a note saying:

I have kidnapped your child if you ever want to see him again leave 10,000 dollars under the slide.
Signed, a blonde.

When she comes back the next day sure enough there is a bag with 10,000 dollars sitting there with a note attatched saying:

How could you do this to a fellow blonde?

I love blonde jokes. I would think I would be offended considering I am a blonde female but I find them so amazingly funny. You just have to learn to laugh at yourself to get along in life.

Hehe that's funny :P there are SOOO many blond jokes out there.

[magikarpy]

I was hoping that I was telling one that EVERYONE hadn't already heard.

[Marcie]

I was hoping that I was telling one that EVERYONE hadn't already heard.

Aww well I've heard so many blond jokes it isn't even funny :P

[Death]

I'm not sure if this has been said before, but I'll say it anyway.

A tortoise is mugged by a group of snails so afterwards, he goes to the police station. He tells the police officer (who was a turtle) about it and the turtle says, "Are you able to describe your attackers?" to which the tortoise replies, "No, it all happened so quickly!".

[Zero Beat]

I'm not sure if this has been said before, but I'll say it anyway.

A tortoise is mugged by a group of snails so afterwards, he goes to the police station. He tells the police officer (who was a turtle) about it and the turtle says, "Are you able to describe your attackers?" to which the tortoise replies, "No, it all happened so quickly!".

That brought a smile to me face. Thank you:)

[Death]

^^Glad you liked it.

Do protons really have mass? I didn't even know they're Catholic!

[benjabubble]

I don't think these need much of an explanation, they are simply brilliance in its finest form.

-Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
-My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
-Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.
-Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
-George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
-Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
-Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits.
-Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
-Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

This one, however, takes the cake in my opinion

-Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.

[Death]

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the barman 'How much for a drink?" to which the barman replies "You have no charge.".

[Marcie]

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the barman 'How much for a drink?" to which the barman replies "You have no charge.".

Tehe nerd joke :P I love it! haha

[Death]

^^Again, glad you like it.

I have a face, but I have no eyes, nose or mouth. I can also never see my hands, which have no fingers. You have all looked at me many times. Whenever you do so, you learn something, and yet you do it over and over again. What am I? If you would like to guess the answer or would like to know it, feel free to PM me.

[Marcie]

^^Again, glad you like it.

I have a face, but I have no eyes, nose or mouth. I can also never see my hands, which have no fingers. You have all looked at me many times. Whenever you do so, you learn something, and yet you do it over and over again. What am I? If you would like to guess the answer or would like to know it, feel free to PM me.
I think I know what it is! I just sent you a PM.

[Death]

Nice, now for a joke:

There are two flies sitting on a bench. The first fly says to the second, "Look at your trousers.". When the second fly asks why, he says, "Your humans are undone.".

[Marcie]

Nice, now for a joke:

There are two flies sitting on a bench. The first fly says to the second, "Look at your trousers.". When the second fly asks why, he says, "Your humans are undone.".

HAhah wow.. nice


Here's a riddle:
Four men have to cross a bridge at night, therefore you need a flashlight to cross. The bridge can only support two people at a time so only two people can cross the bridge at a time. But one person has to bring the flashlight back.
These men have to get to the other side in 17 minutes.
Each man takes a different amount of time to cross. One man takes 10 minutes to cross, another takes 5 minutes to cross, another takes 2 minutes to cross, and the last takes 1 minute to cross. You have to travel at the speed of the slowest person.

ie. If the 10min and the 1min guys go across together then that takes 10 minutes.
(Then one of them has to bring back the flashlight.)
So the 1min guy comes back. so far you're up to 11 minutes.

Hope this makes sense..

[Death]

Why I hate Windows:

http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/picture.php?albumid=763&pictureid=10189

[The Dark Lord]

What do you call a woman with an opinion?
WRONG


Susan Boyle says shes a virgin by choice
Obviously not her choice but someone's choice


Life is like a box of biscuits; nobody touches the ginger nuts.
Hats off to the Icelandic people.
First they declared themselves bankrupt...
Then they set their island on fire....
Anyone else smell the mother of all insurance frauds?
Sky News : Man dead, woman critical after stabbing.
- do they NEVER stop nagging?

[Death]

Don't know about you, but that didn't even make me smile.

A handicapped parking sign does not signify that the spot is for handicapped people. It is Chuck Norris warning you that this is his spot and you will become handicapped if you dare to park there.

[MaliciousBunface]

^lawl funny :P

Ya know those "your so dumb" jokes..there is the one "your so dumb you tripped over a wireless phone"-I know someone who has :P lol not really a joke but oh well

aren't "yo mama" jokes just funny?

[Death]

Yeah, like this one: Yo momma's so ugly, she looked out of the window and got accused of mooning!

[charlie w]

ha thats funny
I know its not a joke but i still find the quote funny anyway.
"One of the very difficult parts of the decision i made on the financial crisis was to use hard working people's money to help prevent there to be a crisis" George W Bush.

[MaliciousBunface]

Yeah, like this one: Yo momma's so ugly, she looked out of the window and got accused of mooning!

Lol funny..I got one...yo mamma's so fat, she got baptised at sea world

Also one my friend told me..it's ok-ish: Your so ugly, you were looking in the mirror and your mum came in and said "stop watching horror movies"

[Death]

Nice. Yo momma's so fat, she stepped on the scales and it said "One at a time please.".

[Bougainvillea]

Yo momma had one big titty, and one little titty.
And they called that bitch biggy smalls.

[MaliciousBunface]

Lol @Death..I've heard one like that, but it said to be continued :P...anyways, your momma's so dumb, she got fired from a blow job

and yo mammas so dumb, she got fired from a sperm bank for drinking on the job :P

[Death]

LOL! Yo mamma's so stupid, she bought a doughnut and took it back because it had a hole in it!

[The Dark Lord]

Nick Clegg has called Gordon Brown desparate
To be fair he did marry a ginger!

[Sugaree]

LOL! Yo mamma's so stupid, she bought a doughnut and took it back because it had a hole in it!

Oh please, yo momma's so fat she uses train tracks for a belt.

[Death]

Yo mamma's so fat, if she were to jump down the Grand Canyon, she'd get stuck!

[Hottieamy]

Your moms YOUR MOM

[DayBreakArt]

I am going to break the yo momma jokes. :P

Why did the snowman pull down his pants?
because he heard the snowblower was coming. :P

[Death]

Why did the crab blush?

Because the seaweed.

[Marcie]

Why did the crab blush?

Because the seaweed.

I don't get it..

[peaceloverugby]

Did you hear that George W. Bush's personal library burned to the ground? Both books were destroyed, and the worst part is, one wasn't even coloured in all the way yet!

[Death]

I don't get it..

It was a play on words between 'seaweed' (the noun) and 'sea (noun) weed (verb - urinated)'. The first instance relates to the joke because you'd expect to find both seaweed and crabs on a beach. The second instance also does because it explains why the crab blushed.

It is common knowledge that irradiated cats have 18 half-lives.

[Sith Lord 13]

It is common knowledge that irradiated cats have 18 half-lives.

lolz

Science jokes FTW!

Headline: ASPCA to seek charges against Schrödinger for animal cruelty.

All those poor dead and alive cats.

[The Dark Lord]

BBC NEWS: Pope Benedict meets Church "child sex abuse victims in Malta"
Can't help but feel sorry for the guy.
He's made it to the head of the Catholic Church, and still only gets sloppy seconds

"MATE! I just fucked your mum!"
Thats great Dad, thanks

Whats the shortest book ever written? French war heros

I think political correctness has gone too far. I mean putting some scottish stroke victim in the TV debates!

I saw David Cameron asking for change
I told him to fuck off and get a job

[Death]

I can do better:

Chuck Norris is never late. This is because whenever there's a situation where Chuck would ordinarily be late, even time itself has the sense to slow the fuck down!

[Jess]

This one is kind of lame

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Spell.
Spell who?
W-H-O

[Death]

^^Wasn't that lame IMO.

Two nuns are driving down a road at night when they suddenly stop when they see a vampire up ahead blocking their path. The first nun says to the second "Show him your cross.", so the second nun slowly steps out the vehicle, confronts the vampire, and shouts "Piss off you toothy bastard!".

[Jess]

Pretend that you are in a jungle and a tiger is chasing you.

What should you do?

Stop pretending :S

[deadpie]

Don't report me, Tom approved me posting this.
WARNING: VERY SICK JOKES.


Necrophilia - putting the rot in erotic
-------------------------------------------
During a break in the filming, we all had lunch on the set of the scat porn film.
I hated it.
It was shit for starters...
-------------------------------------------
Hereditary diarrhea.
It runs in the family.
-------------------------------------------
What's the worst thing that can happen to you after having an all night long dream about eating chocolate pudding?
Waking up with a spoon up your arse.

[The Dark Lord]

My wife said to me, "I've just heard some great news, apparently the police know who the local paedophile is and they are going to arrest him tonight."

I said, "That's brilliant news. Let's celebrate by moving to Australia."

[Jess]

My wife said to me, &quot;I've just heard some great news, apparently the police know who the local paedophile is and they are going to arrest him tonight.&quot;

I said, &quot;That's brilliant news. Let's celebrate by moving to Australia.&quot;

lol I don't really get it but I laughed anyways :S

[Death]

Not sure if I've said this one... When Chuck Norris was born, the only person crying was the doctor. Nobody slaps Chuck Norris.

[Jess]

What goes up but never comes down?

your age



What goes around the world but stays in one corner?

a stamp


A man walked into a bar. Ouch!

[deadpie]

What's the definition of Necrophilia?

Cracking open a cold one!

[ShatteredWings]

lol I don't really get it but I laughed anyways :S

australia was a prison colony to england for awhile.
its implying the pedo went to aus, so now we're 'celebrating' by following him

[kyle92]

what is a dollor and all you can eat????








a blond wayving a dollor over her head

[Jess]

I have oceans without water,
I have a sky without air,
I have mountains without land.
what am I?


a map

[The Dark Lord]

australia was a prison colony to england for awhile.
its implying the pedo went to aus, so now we're 'celebrating' by following him

I was actually implying that he was the pedo and they were running away to Aus. but anyways...

England v USA - Kick off 19:30.
USA will turn up at 19:41 and then claim victory.

What's the difference between Rob Green and Justin Bieber?
Rob Green knows how to drop his balls.

What's big, Scottish and depressing?
Scotland.

[Death]

<object width="500" height="405"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/pkAeNcNJVjA&hl=en_US&fs=1&border=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/pkAeNcNJVjA&hl=en_US&fs=1&border=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="500" height="405"></embed></object>

[Kaya]

Lol. Funny jokes.

[Bougainvillea]

I fell asleep watching the country music channel, and I woke up racist.
I just wanted to nap during the dixie chicks, and now there's holes in my linens.

[peaceloverugby]

A dsylexic man walks into a bra...

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. Bartender says, "what is this, some kind of joke?"

A man hits a woman with a motorcycle. Whose fault is it? The man's, what the hell was he doing with a motorcycle in the kitchen?!?!

[Sith Lord 13]

Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

[Bougainvillea]

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. Bartender says, "what is this, some kind of joke?"
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says "Get the fuck out."

Haha. I love that movie.

[Jess]

a: "My dog has no nose."

b: "How does it smell?"

a: "Awful."

b: !!!

[peaceloverugby]

Three blacks walk into a redneck bar in west Texas. Bartenders says "Get the hell out, we don't serve your kind." Black guy says, "How'd he know we're Jewish?"

^stolen from Last Comic Standing

[LordOfTheToaster]

The Balloon

A farmer is in his field tending to his crop of corn when he hears from the distance, "Hey! Farmer!" He looks around, sees nothing, and returns to his work.

"Hey! Farmer!" Still nothing out of the ordinary that he could see. He looked to his house to see if anyone was waiting, but there was nobody.

"Farmer! Up here!" He looks up and sees two people, probably in their early twenties, waving at him from a hot-air balloon.

"What?" The farmer yells upwards.

"Where are we?" They reply.

"You're in a ballon, ya damn fools!"

Directions

A farmer is sitting on his rocking chair, polishing his rifle. He sees a red sports car racing down the highway, kicking up a cloud of dust. When the car reaches his driveway, it whips a turn and heads towards his house.

When the car reaches the house, the driver gets out and asks for directions. "I lost my map, you see, and I need to get to Wolfeboro. Can you help me?"

"Ah, Wolfeboro. Nice town." The farmer purses lips and thinks. "Well, if you turn right on the highway and go for about a mile, then turn right at the fork in the road... naw, that won't do it. At the same fork, make a left and go about half a mile... nope, that's a dead end. If'n you take a left... go about 3 miles... naw." He pauses.

"Well, son, ya can't get there from here."

[The Dark Lord]

I used to hate P.E at school. I had a pretty big cock and was embarrassed to take the group shower afterward.
All the other girls just pointed and laughed.

I can't believe we only managed a draw against a shit team we should easily have beaten.
I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian.

[peaceloverugby]

I used to hate P.E at school. I had a pretty big cock and was embarrassed to take the group shower afterward.
All the other girls just pointed and laughed.

I can't believe we only managed a draw against a shit team we should easily have beaten.
I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian.

I cried tears of joy and mirth after that first joke. Bravo, good sir.

[The Dark Lord]

I cried tears of joy and mirth after that first joke. Bravo, good sir.

Thank you, although I would have liked some +rep (hint, hint)

[Iron Man]

What happens when you give Viagra to a lawyer? He gets taller!

[Jess]

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this!' and he pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The elderly gentleman paused and said, 'Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'You have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper.






What word doesn't belong?
that, hat, what, mat, cat, sat, pat, chat

WHAT


Forwards it is heavy, backwards it is not. What is it? TON



The more you feed it, the more it grows high, but if you give it water, it shall quickly die. What is it? FIRE



The Beginning of eternity, the end of space, the beginning of every end, the end of every place. What am I? "E"

What starts with P, ends with E, and has thousands of letters in it? POST OFFICE

[The Dark Lord]

just look at my avatar before the mods ban it

[Jess]

I don't find it funny

[The Dark Lord]

I don't find it funny

I have never read anything you have posted which is either funny or insightful so before you criticise anyone else, sort yourself out, it is not my fault you have no sense of humour.

[Death]

What's black and doesn't work? Half of London.

[ShatteredWings]

I have never read anything you have posted which is either funny or insightful so before you criticise anyone else, sort yourself out, it is not my fault you have no sense of humour.

Sorry, but i'd have to agree. your avatar is just bad.

[Death]

It was better than his previous one though.

What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.

[Jess]

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asked the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

[Awesome]

Q: Why did Helen Keller's dog runaway?
A: Well wouldn't you to if your name was Baarraallraa!!!

Q: Why was Helen Keller's finger burnt?
A: Because she tried to read the waffle iron.

Q: What long and hard, and filled with seamen?
A: A submarine! What else could it be?

[mrmcdonaldduck]

whats the difference between england and a tea bag?

the tea bag stays in the cup longer

[Rutherford The Brave]

whats the difference between england and a tea bag?

The tea bag stays in the cup longer

sauced

[Death]

whats the difference between england and a tea bag?

the tea bag stays in the cup longer

You know, I may be from England, but I completely agree. Our football team is shit, and most of us also think that. As for my joke...

A blonde is pretty sick of all the blonde jokes made against her so she decides to learn the capital of every American state to prove her intelligence. Afterwars, she hears some men laughing to a blonde joke in a pub so she confronts them and says, "Us blondes are not thick! And to prove it, ask me the capital of any American state and I will tell you." to which one of the men reply, "What's the capital of Alabama?". After a pause, the blonde says, "A!".

[Jess]

whats the difference between england and a tea bag?

the tea bag stays in the cup longer

lol for a moment I didn't get it but I just got it so funny

[Iron Man]

I heard this one from Delta Farce with Jeff Dunham & Jose Jalapeno on a Stick: Why were there only 100 Mexicans at the battle of the Alamo? They only had 4 trucks.

[deadpie]

More cruel and offensive jokes below sense someone actually liked them. Be careful reading, you might be scarred for life.


necrophilia, it puts the FUN into Funeral!
------------
The Catholic Church are against gay sex because it's unnatural.
Yeah, and walking on fucking water isn't?
------------
You thought you had lag?
It took Jesus 3 days to respawn.
------------
Give a man a fish, you'll feed him for a day.
Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.
------------
I wanked over a blind girl yesterday.
She never saw me coming.
------------

[Jess]

Two fathers and two sons went duck hunting. Each shot a duck but they shot only three ducks in all. How come?

The hunters were a man, his son and his grandson.

[Toxiic]

-School Jokes-

Which 3rd Grader has the best body: The Blonde, the brunette or the redhead??
The Blonde, Because shes 18


A 3rd Grade class are talking about what they did on the weekend.
The first little boy said, 'I went to see my nana' The teacher says ' Thats nice, But please you grown up words, So instead of saying nana, say grandmother.'
The second little boy says, ' I went on a choo choo train.' The teacher says 'Once again, use adult words, I Went on a steam train.'
The Third Little boys says ' At the weekend i read a book.' 'What was the book called?' The teacher asked.
And with a grin on his face, The boy answered 'Whinnie the Shit!'

[deadpie]

"When God closes a door, he opens a window."
Sounds to me like he's preparing for a shit
--------
My girlfriend says that if I don't chill out with my ridiculous sex drive, then she will have to "put up a wall" between us.
I said "Fair enough, just let me put a glory hole in it"
--------
It's mine and the wife's Golden anniversary on Saturday...
Who'd have thought it, 365 days since I first pissed on her.
--------
You know it was a good shit when you come back and your screen saver is on.
--------

[ShatteredWings]

necrophilia, it puts the FUN into Funeral!

I think i liked the punchline "puts the rot in erotic" :P

..think we're the only one who appreciates these kinds of jokes.

[deadpie]

I think i liked the punchline "puts the rot in erotic" :P

..think we're the only one who appreciates these kinds of jokes.

I'm sure many people do, they'd just rather not say they do because people would think they're sick.

[Death]

A blonde is walking in the countryside when she spots another blonde, in the field to the left, who is in a boat and apparently trying to row across the grass. The first blonde shouts to the blonde in the boat, "I'm getting sick of this! It's people like you that give us blondes a bad name! You know, I'd damn well go up and punch you, if it were not for the fact that I can't swim!".

[suprise]

what do you call a woman with a drippy nose?
A: FULL

what do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A: pick it up, pull the pin and throw it back :P

[steve1234]

Haha blonde jokes will never get old lol.

I go to a catholic high school (im not catholic, but they allow non-religious people into the sixth form). Well, the headteacher (who is VERY relgious!) overheard me telling this joke, and I got into a lot of trouble:

Whats the difference between a Jesus and a painting?
It only takes one nail to hang a painting.

[Death]

^^No offense, but that is one fucked up school!

Why does Jesus make a bad hockey player?

Because he keeps on getting nailed to the boards!

Why was Jesus one lucky guy?

Becaues he got nailed three times in one night!

[steve1234]

^^No offense, but that is one fucked up school!

Why does Jesus make a bad hockey player?

Because he keeps on getting nailed to the boards!

Why was Jesus one lucky guy?

Becaues he got nailed three times in one night!

Some more great Jesus jokes there! :D

Yeh, I should have been a bit more careful telling my Jesus joke, seeing as I go to a catholic school lol, but still its only a joke.

[Death]

^^LOL, thanks.

How many Christians dows it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go off and on at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old bulb was.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light bulb is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb or tulip bulb. A church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring a bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review the church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don’t believe in change.

Amish: What’s a light bulb?

[mrmcdonaldduck]

thats a good one.

my mother in law is a saint, its a pity she´s not in heaven

[Iron Man]

Okay, a blonde goes to the store to get groceries. She goes to the beverages, and finds orange juice. She is staring at it for hours. At closing time, a store attendant tells her the time and asks her what she is doing. The blond says "The orange juice says `concentrate`".

[The Dark Lord]

When she started moaning about my latest prank, I told my girlfriend that she "can't take a joke".
She instantly replied, "I let you put your penis in me, don't I?"
Bitch


What's the difference between JLS and Futurama?
There's only one Bender in Futurama.


Doctor Doctor, I think I might have malaria."
"Right Miss Cole, I'm going to need to see your vagina."

[peaceloverugby]

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.

*Disclaimer: I'm paranoid, so I got Tom to approve these. Read no further if you're sensitive, don't like dead baby jokes, or both.*

What's the difference between a Rolls Royce and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Rolls Royce in my garage.

What's the difference between beef and dead babies?
I always cook my beef before I eat it.

How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard you throw them.


Ok, i'm sickening myself, that's enough for now

[Death]

^^Wow, that was something!

No offense girls, but...

How do you know when a woman is about to say something clever?

When she starts her sentence with, "A man once told me...".

[Jess]

is that meant to be funny? :P

@peaceloverugby no offense but I don't get your jokes at all lol :/

[Death]

It's just a joke. Like...

Why did God give men penises?

So we'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up!

[Alfred Pennyworth]

So, a woman had 3 daughters, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. On their eighteenth birthdays, the woman told them to go to a special hill, and jump at the top and say one thing that they want to be, and it would happen. so, on the brunette's birthday, she goes to the hill, jumps, and says that she wants to be a movie star. When she touches the ground, she's instantly a movie star and surrounded by paparazzi. then it was the read-head's birthday and she went to the hill, jump and said that she wanted to be a billionare businesswoman with an incredibly sexy boyfriend, and when she touches down, she is immediately escorted into her rolls royce by her boyfriend. then it was the blonde's birthday, and she went to the hill, and she was about to jump, but she tripped, and yelled "CRAP", and she instantly turned into an enourmous pile of shit.

[Death]

What's the most active muscle in a woman? It's the penis.

[Insanity Fair]

^^LOL, thanks.

How many Christians dows it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go off and on at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old bulb was.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light bulb is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb or tulip bulb. A church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring a bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review the church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don’t believe in change.

Amish: What’s a light bulb?

I lol'd.

[Alfred Pennyworth]

The Driving Test


A professional juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

"What are you doing with these matches and lighter fluid in your car?" asks the police officer.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah? Let's see you do it," says the officer.

So the juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches
masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his
wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

>>>>>>>>>>>>

Troopers don't have balls? :lol:

A state trooper pulls over a car for speeding and the female driver says "I guess you want to sell me some tickets to the Trooper's Ball?" The trooper responded, "Troopers don't have balls, ma'am." After he realized what he said, he simply walked back to his car and drove away.

>>>>>>>>>>>>

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.
But it also lit up her arm, too!
Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.
A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.
When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."

[Sugaree]

An NFL player is arrested on drug charges. After two years in prison and 90 days rehab, he's ready to get back into the league and join his team.

"Ok, before we put you back on the roster, you need to take an IQ test" his coach told him. The player agrees and goes through each question perfectly and only had one more question to answer.

"Alright, this is your last question. What comes after a sentence?"

And, without missing a beat, the player said "Parole!"

[The Dark Lord]

I've just been dumped by my girlfriend. She found me creepy because I have a nickname for my penis.
Guess now that I'm single again, I'll have to take Matters into my own hands.


BBC News: 'Plus size women worth £10bn to the fashion industry'
Nothing compared to what they're worth to the food industry...

[deadpie]

How is eucharist like a dick?
You get them both shoved down your throat by a priest.
--------
I'm pretty sure that Catholic boys wouldn't want to become one of "God's Sheep" if they knew they were going to be rammed by "God's Shepherds."
--------
Jesus said to Peter, "Come forth and I will give you eternal glory."
Peter came fifth and won a toaster.
--------
Christmas is shit. Whoever invented it should be nailed to a cross.
--------
I got thrown out of the Pub last Saturday.
Bukkake... karaoke... Its all Japanese to me.
--------
My wife's back on the bottle. She said fisting just wasn't the same.
--------
Why do Japanese Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
So you can tell them apart from feminists.
--------
I bought a used sex doll - I like a woman with experience.

[Daniel_]

How many Jews can you fit in a car?

I don't know, how bigs the ash tray?

[Daniel_]

Whats black, white, and in a babies diaper?

Michael Jacksons hand.



Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and Acne?

Acne doesn't come on your face until your 15.



Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??

He thought it was a delivery service.



Who does Michael Jackson consider a perfect 10?

Two 5 year olds.



What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
A Michael Jackson slumber party.



What makes Michael Jackson so unique?
It's the little boy inside him.




If you play thriller backwards, you can hear Michael confessing all the names of the boys he touched. That's why it is 14 minutes long.




What is the most difficult thing to get out of little boys underwear?
Michael Jackson




Where does Michael Jackson go to find a date?
Boys 'R Us.

[The Dark Lord]

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

[Dorsum Oppel]

How many Arabs does it take to fix a light bulb? None, they just sit there and blame it on the Jews.

[Church]

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever

[The Joker]

George Bush.

[mrmcdonaldduck]

George Bush.

nice.

[Church]

Barack Obama's "change".

[Gumleaf]

this got sent to me the other day:


two mt. druitt chicks jump off a cliff. who wins? society
what does a mt. druitt chick use as protection during sex? a bus shelter
what do you call a 30 year old mt. druitt chick? grandma
why did the mt. druitt girl cross the road? to start a fight with a complete stranger
what do you call a mt. druitt girl in a white tracksuit? the bride
two mt. druitt in a car without any music....who's driving? the policeman
what's the difference between a mt. druitt boy and a mt. druitt girl? the girl has a higher sperm count
what's the most confusing day in mt. druitt? father's day
why does the population of mt. druitt never change? everytime a baby is born a bloke pisses off

[The Joker]

How do we know Noah from Noah's Ark was a white man? No nigger could stay on a boat for 40 days without eating the chickens.

[ShatteredWings]

How do we know Noah from Noah's Ark was a white man? No nigger could stay on a boat for 40 days without eating the chickens.

I really don't get it

[Sugaree]

How do we know Noah from Noah's Ark was a white man? No nigger could stay on a boat for 40 days without eating the chickens.

http://images.memegenerator.net/Jailnigger/ImageMacro/1937238/Jail-Nigger-is-not-amused.jpg

Srsly though, massive lulz.

[Whisper]

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_oHva2BOLVBo/S-qq2U3KfmI/AAAAAAAAAUo/4jmpUSaOwgM/s1600/haiti_hold_f11.jpg

[deadpie]

Anti Jokes:

A man walks into a bar. He's an alcohol and it's destroying his family.

------------------------------

A black man, an Asian man, and a white man are sitting on a bench in the park.
They ignore each other due to cultural differences.

------------------------------

A priest, a rapist, and a pedophile walk into a bar. And that's just the first guy.

-----------------

Did you guys hear the one about the woman who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge?
She's in critical condition and not expected to recover.

----------

man walks into the doctors,
"doctor, doctor i feel like a pair of curtains"
the doctor pauses for a second and replies
"thats the least of your worries, you have aids."

-----------

How do you make a plumber cry?
Kill his family

-------

How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?
It depends on the woman; some prefer reading or television, others prefer sports and different activities too.

----

A guy comes into a bar...
No wait, it was a horse.
So a guy comes into a horse...

--

a monkey walks into a bar.
animal control is called and it is returned to it's respective owner

-


A woman walks into the kitchen to make a sandwich because she is hungry and she likes sandwiches.

--

Why did the boy drop his ice cream?
Because he was hit by a bus.

---

A shipwrecked sailor washed ashore on a desert island. He found a bottle half buried in the sand he pulled the cork. Nothing happened. It was empty and he slowly starved to death.

[The Joker]

Why did the chicken cross the road?
The farmer left the fence open, so it wandered around and happened to cross a road.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has been killed.

[Whisper]

http://coolmaterial.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/history-facebook-updates.jpg

[mrmcdonaldduck]

http://coolmaterial.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/history-facebook-updates.jpg

i lol'd, hard

[deadpie]

why cant annie ride her bike?
she has cerebral palsy

--------------

The doctor asks the bruised woman
- D: How did you get these bruises all over your face?
- W: I slipped.

-----------

What did the black man yell at the cashier woman at KFC?
Thank you for this fine meal, lady!

------------

a priest a rabbi and a buddhist go into a bar
a few hours later they come out with a better understanding of each other

------------

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The holocaust...

--------------


A man goes to the doctor's office and complains of a horrible pain in his balls. He finds out he has cancer that has spread throughout his body and he has less than six months to live. So he goes home and kills himself.

---------------

a blonde walks into a building....literally

----------------

What's the worst part about three black men in a Corvette driving off of a cliff?

They were my friends.

-------------------

What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.

[Azunite]

Why did the chicken crossed the road ?
Because it wanted to kiss my ass :D

[ShatteredWings]

(a lot of things)
anti-jokes?

[deadpie]

anti-jokes?

Ye.

-------------------------------------------

Cocaine is never a solution.
Unless of course, you dissolve it in water.

------------

Last week my best friend who was Chinese died.
I went to China to attend the funeral and pay my respects.
When people close to you die, it's weird how you see their face everywhere you look.

-----------

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

---

How does it change many dyslexics to take a light-bulb?

------------

Tried to watch a youtube video called 'Wheelchair Kid Sings Lady Gaga'
Came up with a message "disabled because of copyright claim."
Bit fucking harsh.

--

An infinite crowd of mathematicians enters a bar.
The first one orders a pint, the second one a half pint, the third one a quarter pint...
"I understand", says the bartender - and pours two pints.

[Obscene Eyedeas]

A blonde walks into the doctors "Doctor Doctor I cant figure out whats wrong with me! Everywhere I touch it hurts" The doctor says "show me" The blonde touches her tits, her asse, her leg, her arm and every time screams in pain. The doctor says "Congratulations maam your finger is broken"

Paddy englishman and paddy irishman go to visit the bishop. At dinner trying to think of things to say paddy englishman says "Pass me the wine you sweet divine" and Paddy irishman says "Pass me the butter you baldy fucker"

Paddy englishman, paddy scottishman and paddy irishman go to visit the priest. The priest asks them "who is the lord our savior?" being clueless the priest decides to leave giving them time to think. Paddy englishman starts reading, paddy scottishman starts shitting and paddy irishman starts smoking. The priest comes back demanding an answer. Paddy englishman stops reading, paddy scottishman pulls up his pants and paddy irishman sticks the fag in his pocket. After 2 minutes of silence paddy irishman shouts "Jesus christ my pants is on fire!" Priest: Correct

[Whisper]

http://i.imgur.com/mJmFY.jpg

[Alfred Pennyworth]

What do you call a whole bunch of white guys running down a hill? Avalanche
What do you call a whole bunch of black guys running down a hill? Rock Slide
What do you call a whole bunch of Mexicans running down a hill? Jail Break

[deadpie]

The Popemobile: Bullets can't get in, children can't get out.

--

I think a church with a lightning rod shows a decided lack of confidence. (Bill Hicks)

--

Its fair to say, if God really made everything, he was probably from china.

--

Christianity: the belief that a 2,000-year old Jewish zombie will get angry if you masturbate.

--

Sorry, but what fucking island was Noah on where there was an Elephant, AND a hamster, AND a penguin???

--

One thing that always amazes me is people who don't believe in sex before marriage. Clearly it's sex after marriage that doesn't exist.

--

So how many communion wafers must you eat in order to have consumed an entire Jesus?

--

Why is our justice system based on a book that would be thrown out of court through lack of evidence?

--

I recently went to Auschwitz and it was one of the most depressing experiences of my life.
No gift shop.

--

My wife has the body of a 16 year old school girl.

She keeps it in the fridge.

[The Joker]

Me, to my moms boyfriend: If you're eating the blood and body of Christ, then doesn't that mean you're shitting literal Christ?

Mom's boyfriend: No, your body takes all the nutrients and the bad stuff comes out.

Me: Exactly what I said.

[closed]

God created the sky and earth. the rest was made by china.

The not funny joke by Mia Wallas (Uma Thurman) from Pulp Fiction:
Three tomatos walk the street, papa tomatmo, mama tomato and son tomato. The son tomato starts to slow down, so the papa tomato hits him and says: ketch-up.
Great movie ^^

[Zero Beat]

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

[The Dark Lord]

Getting a tactical nuke on Call of Duty is the best feeling in life.
Much better than having sex.
Probably.

My wife told me that she was seeing someone else because she was fed up with my bad habits.
I nearly choked on my toenail.

My son brought his first girlfriend home tonight. The verdict? Flat chested, fat legs, and a flabby arse.
Oh, and she doesn't react well to criticism.

If at first you don't succeed...
Try doing it the way your Husband told you.

If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate ...Do you think:
(a) You need more time together,
(b) She's a prude, or
(c) She should sit somewhere else on the bus?

Germany wins Eurovision then four days later an old WWII bomb explodes "unexpectedly".
Carlsberg don't do timely reminders, but if they did....

I always sleep naked. It's just more comfortable.
This stewardess can fuck off. I don't care if there are young children on the plane.

[Death]

What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?

An ambulence to deal with his head wound.

What is completely and utterly pointless?

This joke.

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

[Sogeking]

Whats in the middle of Paris? The letter "R"

[Kaya]

See, Teachers Ain't So Clever

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When i get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you can ask him."

[deadpie]

HAVE I OFFENDED SOMEONE? My work here is accomplished. Time to be ten times as offensive just to piss people off!

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Be nice to your kids.
You never know, you might need a kidney one day.

+

If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of johnson's no more tears, would it create beautiful irony?

+

Want to fight poverty? Kick a hobo.

+

Why did the Israeli Commando cross the road?
To shoot the baby with the rattle about to open fire.

+

I hate that feeling you get after having sex. You know the one, where you think to yourself "Now I have to find that fucking shovel and start digging a hole"

+

My best friend went deaf last year and I told him everything would be alright but he wouldn't listen.

+

I have C.D.O.
It's like O.C.D. but all the letters are in alphabetical order as they should be.

+

My pregnant wife said she wanted something special that would last a lifetime for her birthday... So i threw her down the stairs.

+


I committed the perfect crime: I stopped paying my psychiatrist.
He took me to court and I pleaded insanity.

+


A man walks in to a library and asks for a book on Tourette's.
The librarian says, "Fuck off, you cunt."
The man says, "Yep, that's the one."

+

The best thing about having diarrhoea is you can shit in the shower as well.

[Peace God]

http://i.imgur.com/mJmFY.jpg
I'm speechless right now...so much win.

[Sugaree]

There's only one bad thing about funerals.

The waste of a perfectly good body.