Jokes and Riddles

[ShatteredWings]

Probably not, but i'm not exactly amused

[The Resurrected One]

lol.

I'd post more but someone doesn't want me to.

[Vermillion]

Dude, I think I nearly pooped myself with that stove joke XD

[Oblivion]

Am I the only female that actually thinks these jokes are funny?

Probably! :P

Anyways, The mom calls the husband a "Bastard".

& then, the dad calls the wife a "Bitch".

& Billy goes to his mom and says "Mom, What's a bitch and a bastard?"

& the mom says "Well, a bitch is a lady and a bastard is a gentlemen."


& then later, Billy goes outside and hears his neighbors, and hears "Put your penis in my vagina!"


So Billy goes to his mom and says "mom whats a penis and vagina?"


His moms says "Well Billy, a penis is a hat and a vagina is a coat"

& then later Billy sees his dad shaving and cuts himself and says "Shit"

& Billy said "Dad, whats shit?"

& then his dad says,
"Well Billy, Shit is a type of Shaving cream "


& then, Billy goes to see his mom cutting the turkey and his mom cuts her finger and says "Fuck!"


and then billy says to his mom "Mom whats fuck?"

"Well Billy, fuck is a way cutting the turkey"


& then later, the guests arrive and Billy goes to them and says . . .


"Hello bitches and bastards, may i take your penis's and vaginas,
my dad's upstairs wiping shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the Turkey"

That one made me laugh ;)

[The Resurrected One]

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?




A battery has a positive side.



lol, I had to share that. Sorry. :P

[AutumnDae]

I think they're funny!

Give me more!

[The Resurrected One]

Why don't women play football?

There is no football field in the kitchen.

[AutumnDae]

xD I must be disgracing the female gender by thinking these are funny.

[ShatteredWings]

I would agree with that statement...


Unfortunatly, these are starting to grow on me.

[Vermillion]

OMG Ghost Captain, have my imaginary children http://i.neoseeker.com/d/icons/embarrassed.gif
My turn! =D

-Why do women get married in white?
So they match the kitchen appliances!

-What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?
You hit her.

I am so going to hell for laughing at these jokes, XD
One more, though XD

-Why cant women ski?
Because theres no snow between the bedroom and the kitch

[The Resurrected One]

lol, unfortunately, I've ran out.

[Mzor203]

-What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?
You hit her.


That, is extremely offensive.

But I almost died laughing. :D

[Vermillion]

I bet it is; which is why I wont post anymore, 'cause Im sure if someone started telling racist jokes, I wouldn't be laughing out loud XD

[ShatteredWings]

There's a thought.. how come sexist jokes can be taken as funny, but racist jokes aren't?...

it's the same kind of thing really.

*shrug*

[Sugaree]

Why do women dress in black on a funeral?

So that they match the burnt food that they cook.

[Vermillion]

girl;429819']There's a thought.. how come sexist jokes can be taken as funny, but racist jokes aren't?...

it's the same kind of thing really.

*shrug*

Yeah yeah, exactly. That thought just popped into my head when I made that last post...

Well, for the sake of hilarity! =D

-How can you tell an elephant has been through your refridgerator?
If there's an elephant's footprint in the jello.

-How can you tell an elephant has broken into your house?
If there's a yellow beetle parked in your garage?

Don't ask, don't tell XD

</lame humor>

[ShatteredWings]

http://i353.photobucket.com/albums/r362/Mariorck/Motivational%20Posters/DarwinAwards.jpg
Idk if this is acutally a 'joke', but.. haha
idiots
(powersrip floating on shoes....)

[The Batman]

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head
with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it
that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name
of the horse I bet on'

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the
head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse called'

[Capote]

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?




A battery has a positive side.



lol, I had to share that. Sorry. :P

Hilarious! haha!

[Fusion]

idn if u have heard this riddle b4

Mountains will crumble and temples will fall, and no man can survive its endless call. What is it?




The Answer is time

[ShatteredWings]

nature

[Random_oso06]

ok there is this Indian chief he goes to a drug store and asks for condoms so then the chief comes back the next day saying

Condom no work, Chief go uhh, wife go ahh, condom go pop
so the clerk says ok i'll give you stronger condoms
so the next day the chief comes back and says
Condom no work, Chief go uhh, wife go ahh, condom go pop
so then the Chief says you get good condom or chief will kill you
so the clerk goes to the back to find anything that can me strong and used like a condom so he finds this tire patch he read the label but skipped the part when it said if popped it will get tighter
so he gives it to the chief then the next day the chief comes back and says
Condom no work, Chief go uhh, Wife go ahh, Balls go pop

[Mzor203]

Just found this:



An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning, a delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

EDIT: One for the geeks: :D


Two hydrogen atoms bumped into each other recently.

One said: "Why do you look so sad?"

The other responded: "I lost an electron."

Concerned, One asked "Are you sure?"

The other replied "I'm positive."

[Requin]

That is terrible!!!!!!! The first one was good, made me laugh, but the second was so terrible that it made me laugh.
I've got to tell my science teacher that. :-)

[Donkey]

Very good, Rex :P

[OnlyByTheNight.]

I dunno if this has been posted before but.......
What has 4 legs in the morning, 2 in the afternoon and 3 in the evening?

[ShatteredWings]

legs?

i have no idea

[OnlyByTheNight.]

Do you want the answer??.......

[Oblivion]

A person. A baby crawling, an adult walking, an old man with a cane.

[jojo]

a little girl and her mummy are walking through the park the little girls say " mummy what are those people doing " her mum replied " they are making cakes" next morning the little girl says " were you and daddy makiing cakes last night cus i licked all the icing of the sofa "

[Gumleaf]

a little girl and her mummy are walking through the park the little girls say " mummy what are those people doing " her mum replied " they are making cakes" next morning the little girl says " were you and daddy makiing cakes last night cus i licked all the icing of the sofa "

ewwww, but funny :P

[ShatteredWings]

oh god that s gross

funny tho

[OnlyByTheNight.]

OMG dat so funny! And nick got the right answer to my riddle!

[Mzor203]

OMG dat so funny! And nick got the right answer to my riddle!

The riddle of the Sphinx.... that's sure an old one. :P


Oh... and a joke while I'm at it...


'There are 10 kinds of people: those who understand binary, and those who don't.'

[ShatteredWings]

haha

Only one of thoes 10 would understand that :P

[AutumnDae]

The riddle of the Sphinx.... that's sure an old one. :P


Oh... and a joke while I'm at it...


'There are 10 kinds of people: those who understand binary, and those who don't.'

I actually got that! That was good!

[ShatteredWings]

Smart people riddle.

what's 1+1

[Cloud]

ooh ooh ooh gwyn i know that one is it erm ...412?

[Mzor203]

girl;455178']Smart people riddle.

what's 1+1

11??

[ShatteredWings]

wrong

[OnlyByTheNight.]

The riddle of the Sphinx.... that's sure an old one. :P


Oh... and a joke while I'm at it...


'There are 10 kinds of people: those who understand binary, and those who don't.'


Hee hee ya i didnt tink anyone would know that one!
Dats a really good joke! Hahaha.

2?

[ShatteredWings]

No.. it's not 2

[OnlyByTheNight.]

Is it 'gay'? Aw man its really bugging me now!

[ShatteredWings]

thats' not funny, and not a number

1+1=10

[Oblivion]

I don't get it Gwyn. lol.


Anyways,
'There are three types of people in the world: Those who can count, and those who cannot'
'3/2 people have problems with fractions.' [Sounds better if you say it aloud :P]

[ShatteredWings]

Eh, you had to get the binary joke to get that one


haha

[Sugaree]

I hate those binary jokes :P

[OnlyByTheNight.]

^i love the binary joke!! Grrrr! Ha jk jk!

And Gywn im sorry but even after all that I still dont get that joke!

[ShatteredWings]

joke failed

[Sugaree]

There are 10 types of people:

Those who like the binary joke and those who hate it with all of their soul :P

[ShatteredWings]

yes yes
i get it it failed

[Sugaree]

girl;456810']yes yes
i get it it failed

Yes, yes it did.....epically :P

[ShatteredWings]

Thankyou matt.


Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.

The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.

"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

[AutumnDae]

HAHAHA I love that Gwyn!

[Sugaree]

There was a farmer that settled in a new town. While looking for a horse, he saw an ad that had a horse for sale at a cheap price. Before he bought it, he wanted to know about the horse before he bought it, so he went to the owner. The owner said that the horse was a very special one. Whenever the horse heard "Praise be to God!" he would run like the wind. When he heard "Amen!" he would stop running.

So, taking advantage of this, the new farmer shouted out "Praise be to God!" and the horse started running. Well, the farmer was very pleased with this and the horse kept running down the road. Then the farmer started to panic. There was a cliff at the very end of the road and the horse was getting closer and closer to it. Struggling to find the words, he finally said "Amen!" and the horse stopped just an inch away from the cliff. In joy, the farmer said with all his might "Praise be to God!"

[ShatteredWings]

lmao!

Good job farmer :D

[Midasman]

LOL!!!

a guy was going on a buisness trip, so he bought his wife a dildo so she wont have any sex with any1 else. it was an acient egyption dildo and listened 2 commands. he told her to say whatever she wanted it in, just say it. he left and she said "pussy" so the dildo went to her pussy, but her husband never told her how 2 get it out. so she drove 2 the hospital and got pulled over. she said "let me go please! i have a dildo in my pussy," the cop said "my ass!!" :D :D :D

very creative:cool:

[nachtspiegel]

There was a doctor and he was having an affair with his nurse. She came to him and told him that she was pregnant. He told her that he would pay for her to go to Paris and have the baby so his wife wouldn't find out.

She said "well, how do I get in touch with you to let you know when the baby's born?" He told her to send a postcard saying 'sauerkraut.'

Nine months later, the doctor's wife calls him at work and says, "we received the strangest postcard in the mail," he asked "what did it say?"

She read, 'sauerkraut, sauerkraut, sauerkraut, 2 with weiners one without.'

---

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."

---

An old couple go to a doctor and ask him to watch them have sex and tell if he see's them doing anything wrong. So they have sex. While they are getting dressed the doctor said, "Well I don't see anything wrong!"

A week later they come again and ask the doctor to watch to see if they are doing anything wrong. They have sex and the doctor says, "Well again I don't see anything wrong."

This goes on for weeks. Then the doctor asks why they keep coming.

The guy said: "If we go to her house her husband will catch us. If we go to my house my wife will catch us. A hotel costs fifty bucks. Here it's thirty-five dollars and medicare pays half!"

---

A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.

However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you're the first..."

This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, "... but they probably weren't veterinarians"

[Random_oso06]

Ok there was a little boy, the Pope, and George Bush they were in a airplane and suddenly it started to break down they only found two parachutes and George Bush took one and said this is mine because i'm the president of the United States bitches and jumped off, the Pope told the little boy take the parachute you have so much to live for and the little boy said thats ok i have my own, George Bush took my back pack

[Cloud]

today the police arrested me for drink driving they took a urine sample and it came back positive so i stole the sample and ran off. now there ding me for taking the piss

[ShatteredWings]

Ok there was a little boy, the Pope, and George Bush they were in a airplane and suddenly it started to break down they only found two parachutes and George Bush took one and said this is mine because i'm the president of the United States bitches and jumped off, the Pope told the little boy take the parachute you have so much to live for and the little boy said thats ok i have my own, George Bush took my back pack
haha :P

[OnlyByTheNight.]

^ha funniez...... But technically Obama is the president of America!

Anyway peoples i have a maths riddle thing for ye.
1, 2, 6, 42, 1806, _? Whats number comes next?
You will need a calculator. Post what you think the answer is and how long it took you. It took me 15mins.

[NeverTooLate]

^ha funniez...... But technically Obama is the president of America!

Anyway peoples i have a maths riddle thing for ye.
1, 2, 6, 42, 1806, _? Whats number comes next?
You will need a calculator. Post what you think the answer is and how long it took you. It took me 15mins.

is it 3263442 ?
1*1+1=2
2*2+2=6
6*6+6=42
42*42+42=1806
1806*1806+1806=3263442

[Whisper]

http://img1.purerave.com/4/40/4744140.jpg

[Zephyr]

That seriouly made me LOL :D

[The Batman]

LMAO Kodie

[OnlyByTheNight.]

is it 3263442 ?
1*1+1=2
2*2+2=6
6*6+6=42
42*42+42=1806
1806*1806+1806=3263442

Yup you got it right, well done! :D

[ShatteredWings]

OMG wow kodie :P

[Mzor203]

It's funny... but it's only the 1,000th time I've seen it... lol.

Still a classic. =)

[Random_oso06]

how do you make a hormone................


................... you don't pay her

[OnlyByTheNight.]

Awww man that is just so bad I just had to laugh!

[Gumleaf]

my future brother-in-law sent me this.

I'm sick of door to door salespeople. I just had one from the sperm bank. Fuck, did i give her a mouthfull...

[Cloud]

Lmao stephen. that was a goodn

[OnlyByTheNight.]

Haha. Funniez Stephen! :D

[IAMWILL]

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

[charlie w]

the superman and the flash had a race to the end of the universe to see who was fastest guess who won-Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris went skydiving once and swore never to do it again one grand canyon is enough

[Random_oso06]

a grade joke

A- Alright!
B- Better than C
C- Crap!
D- Damn!
F- FUCK!

[nachtspiegel]

An American says to a German: Give me steel and I will make you the biggest airplane in the world!
The German says to him: give me your sister and I will make you all the crew.

[RaisingSand]

^lawl.

[nachtspiegel]

A woman was angry that her husband was having sex with her only with the lights off. She decided to get rid of her husband's custom - one night, when they were hot and heavy, she turns the light on and is surprised to find her husband with a cucumber in his hands. "That's what you've fucked me with for the last ten years?!" "Honey, let me explain..."What's to explain, you liar?!" "Wait... speaking of lies, explain to me where our two kids came from!"

I saw this next one and was just like "wow..."

A man escapes from prison and breaks into someone’s house thinking he will find some food, money and maybe weapons. When he enters he sees a couple having sex. He ties the man to a chair and after that he ties the woman to the bed and kisses her on the neck. Then he goes into the toilet. The husband says to her:
- Dear, this guy just escaped from jail, look at his clothes. Probably he spent a lot of time in jail and did not see a woman for a long time. I saw the way he kissed you. If he wants sex, don’t oppose, don’t scream, do everything he says. I beg of you, give him satisfaction, even if you hate him. I don’t want him to kill us both. Be strong, my love! I love you!
The woman replies to him:
- He did not kiss me, he whispered something at my ear. He told me that he is gay and that he thinks you are cute. After that he asked me if we have any Vaseline in the house and I told him that we have some in the bathroom. Be strong, my love! I love you too!

And, to conclude...

A guy sits at the TV and suddenly his wife hits him with a frying pan in the head...
- What was that for?!
- What’s with the name Laura Jonson, in this ticket?
- Oh, this is a horse’s name from the horse riding contests. I bet on him. The woman leaves peacefully... Next day, she hits him again, but this time even harder.
- What was that for?
- Your horse just called you!

A woman leaves for the Carribean Islands without her husband. There, she meets a very nice black man, and after an impassioned sex game, she asks for his name. "I can't tell you," he says. Every night they meet and have sex. After sex, she always asks him the same thing and gets the same answer. One night, she says to him: this is my last night here. Tomorrow, I leave for home. Can you please tell me your name? He says "I can't tell you because you will laugh." She says, "oh, come on, tell me. I won't laugh." He says "okay, my name is Snow." The woman starts to laugh, and the man says to her: "I was sure you'd laugh. I shouldn't have told you." She said "no, I was just thinking that my husband won't believe me when I tell him that I had eleven inches of snow every day in the Carribean."

[Leprachaun]

^ha funniez...... But technically Obama is the president of America!

Anyway peoples i have a maths riddle thing for ye.
1, 2, 6, 42, 1806, _? Whats number comes next?
You will need a calculator. Post what you think the answer is and how long it took you. It took me 15mins.

that was in my maths test yesterday. lol

[skinny_white_boy]

a blonde burnette n red head are being chased by cops and run into a store and ask can we hide in her
the owner says go upstairs they go and see 3 potato sacks each hide in one.
the cops go in the store and asks where they are and the owner says upstairs
the go upstairs and see 3 potato sacks
the kick the 1st one wit the burnette in in and she says "woof!"
the cops say awe a puppy
they kick the 2nd sack with the red head and she said "meow!"
the cops say awe a kitten
they kick the third sack with the blonde and she says "potatoes!"

ahahaha lmao

[nachtspiegel]

(My sister got this one in a text.)

How do you break a blond's nose without touching her?
Show her a hard dick through a glass table.

[EverlostPoet]

i liked the very first joke.

[Origami]

My math teacher, old but eh:

If the Earth had a hole going through it and it was completely hollow, no lava or anything, long could you lower the rope?


How far can you walk into the woods?

[OnlyByTheNight.]

Its halfway in both of them because after that your walking out of the woods and the rope is going up on the other side of the Earth.

[Origami]

Actually no rope can hold it's own weight to go halfway through the Earth.
2 is right though.

[OnlyByTheNight.]

Ya I knew the second one for sure. I just guessed the rope one. That rope one is really cool though! :D

[ErykaInspire.]

THATS HARD!


A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question, but as he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both startled and he says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'

She replies, 'if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221.'



Helping Your Co-Work


Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog.

When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!"


lmfao xP

[Underground_Network]

^ha funniez...... But technically Obama is the president of America!

Anyway peoples i have a maths riddle thing for ye.
1, 2, 6, 42, 1806, _? Whats number comes next?
You will need a calculator. Post what you think the answer is and how long it took you. It took me 15mins.

3263442.

I did it in my head in about two minutes. (I used a calculator to find the final answer)

But then again, I'm good at math lol.

But I could be wrong. 0.o

Though I'm pretty sure I'm not.

[ShatteredWings]

(My sister got this one in a text.)

How do you break a blond's nose without touching her?
Show her a hard dick through a glass table.

lmao
nice one :P

[ErykaInspire.]

ok there is this Indian chief he goes to a drug store and asks for condoms so then the chief comes back the next day saying

Condom no work, Chief go uhh, wife go ahh, condom go pop
so the clerk says ok i'll give you stronger condoms
so the next day the chief comes back and says
Condom no work, Chief go uhh, wife go ahh, condom go pop
so then the Chief says you get good condom or chief will kill you
so the clerk goes to the back to find anything that can me strong and used like a condom so he finds this tire patch he read the label but skipped the part when it said if popped it will get tighter
so he gives it to the chief then the next day the chief comes back and says
Condom no work, Chief go uhh, Wife go ahh, Balls go pop

lmfao! Love that one :p

[Whisper]

If a man out in the wild was hunting a bear and he walked one mile south, one mile east and one mile north

how far would he be from camp?

What colour of bear was he hunting?

[ShatteredWings]

1. a mile
2. wtf?

[ILoveMeLikeUDon't]

ha ha lol wat joke is it i like this thread he he he tell yea later great for scool

[Aηdy]

A man was admitted to hospital this morning with a toy horse stuck in his arse.

His condition has been described as stable.

[nachtspiegel]

A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn’t had sex with him for 6 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what’s wrong, and why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband anymore.

The wife tells him, “For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay today or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’. When I get to work I’m late so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to write this down in the book or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’.

Back home again I take the cab and again I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me again, ‘So are you going to pay this time or what?’ so again I take a ‘or what’. So you see doc when I get home I’m all tired out, and I don’t want it any more.”

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, “So are we going to tell your husband or what?”




A sexually active woman told her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept asecret, and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she calls in the doctor. ‘I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!’

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality, and that the first rose was from him. ‘I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself. The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago.’

‘And what about the third rose?’ she asked. ‘That’s from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.’




A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

‘Not yet momma,’ said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

‘How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?’ he asks.

‘Well,’ his mother says, ‘I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.’

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: ‘Are you going to tell him, or should I?

[DarkWingedAngel]

An alien couple and a human couple - partner swapping. The human wife and the alien husband went off together and ended up at a hotel. The alien guy drops his pants, and he is really ready...all 2 inches of him. "I don't think that this will work out, you're was just too small." says the woman. "Well," the alien says, "Watch this." He proceeds to smack himself in the forehead and his member grows to 12 inches. "That's fine," she tells him, "but it's still only a half an inch thick." So the alien starts tugging on his ears and with each tug his member grows wider and wider until the woman just can't stand it any more and they have a fun-filled night of sex. Afterwards she said to her husband "I had the best sex I've ever had. It was amazing." "What about you?" "It was weird", her husband answered. "All night long she kept hitting me on the head and tugging on my ears!"



when i first heard it i didn't get it but after i did
oh and admins if this ain't ok on here i can take it down if y'all want(i don't really know if it's ok or not)

[Gumleaf]

A man was admitted to hospital this morning with a toy horse stuck in his arse.

His condition has been described as stable.

omg, thats so bad i laughed. lol :P

[Whisper]

;512182']1. a mile
2. wtf?

1. 0
2. white

sphere dynamics on a flat surface it'd make a square and u'd be a mile away straight line on a pole it makes a triangle

ya my philosophy teacher stumped a class of 27 with that

[ShatteredWings]

1mile south
Go BACK a mile north
that's zero

Go another mile east
that's off one mile


What?..
mind.. is.. exploding..

[Death]

Joke: A simple-minded person walked into PC world and goes up to the shop owner and she asks the shop owner, "Can I have some curtains please?" to which he replies, "Why are you buying curtains from here?". She says, "I need curtains for my PC so I came to PC World which is here." He asks, "Madam, why do you need curtains for your PC?" to which she replies, "Come on, it's windows!"

Another one: A man who was staying at a hotel washes his hands and realises that there's no towel. He phones the receptionist and complains. She says, "I will send one up when I can. For now, I'd just dry them out the window." to which he replies, "Okay, Ill do that. By the way, it's a damn good job that I didn't take a bath!"

This is getting good: A boy texts his mate and asks what IDK stands for. His reply said "I don't know.", to which the first person replied, "Bloody hell, nobody does!".

Let's finish with a nice riddle: There's an executioner and a prisoner. The executioner says to the prisoner, "You are to make a statement. If this statement is true, you will be drowned. If it's false, you will be hanged.". What can the prisoner say to confuse the executioner and make him unable to hang or drown him while sticking to what he said to the prisoner? I won't post the answer since I want you to think about this one. If you really want an answer or you think you know, PM me. I don't bite. I can't bite. There's a bloody computer screen in the way!

[peaceloverugby]

I'm not very good with jokes, i prefer situational comedy, anyways:

Pat is 17 and spends all weekend at his girlfriend's house while her parents are away. The two lustful teens, um, "get to know one another" over the weekend. That Monday, Pat's conscience is bothering him, and he asks his friend Damien what he should do. Damien tells Pat to go to confession, which Pat does. After the usually formalities, Pat says, "Father, forgive me, I have fornicated with a girl from the village." The Father, being very old-fashioned and rude, proceeded to interrogate Pat to find out who the other offending party was. "Was it that wicked Maura Fahey?" "It was not" replied Pat. "What about that Lucy O'Neill? She looks like a woman of the streets!" "Ah now, Father, you're way off!" said Pat. "Well it was that slaggish Teresa McCarthy wasn't it then?" bellowed the priest. Pat replied, "No Father, it was none of those. And it's none of your business who it was! Good day to ye!" When Pat walked out, Damien was quick to question him. "Did you tell him who it was?" "No, no." replied Pat. "But I've got some excellent prospects for this weekend!"

[Number02]

A duck walks into a bar, and says to the barman 'Have you got any bread?' to which the barman replies, 'sorry mate, fresh out of bread'.
A couple of minutes later, the duck says 'Have you got any bread?', to which the barman says 'Look, I've told you once, we don't have any bread!'
So the duck looks away glumly. He turns back to the barman and inquires, 'Have you got any bread?' This time the barman is quite irritated 'No, and if you ask me that one more time, I'm gonna nail your beak to the bar!'
The duck was quite taken aback by this, and ponders it for a little while.
'Have you got any nails?' asks the duck
'Erm.... no..' admits the barman.
'So have you got any bread?'

[Music Lover]

I love that one, Jimy!

Well...

There's a successful knight living in the medieval times in a town of england. One day, he gets a message that the king and his army are going on a crusade and that he will be the second-in-command of the King. The knight has a very beautiful wife, and he thinks, "If i leave, the men of the town will rape her", so he buys her a chastity belt.
Next, he thinks, "What if i die in the crusades and don't come back? Then she will not be able to have sex at all!" So he gives the key of the chastity belt to his best friend and says to him, "If i die in battle, give the key to her, so she can be free again"

The next day, the knight starts for London, where the army will meet. After hehas gotten out of the city, his friend rushes after him, shouting "You gave me the wrong key!!"

[Sugaree]

Ok I got two things for you all.

Q: What do you call a dinosaur that's gay?
A: Mega-sore-ass

Q: What gets wetter as it dries?
A: PM me for the answer :D

[MyNameIsJack]

hhahaaa so funny

[Whisper]

Ok I got two things for you all.

Q: What do you call a dinosaur that's gay?
A: Mega-sore-ass
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....it's funny cause its true...

Q: What gets wetter as it dries?
A: PM me for the answer :D
a towel
family guy

[Whisper]

double post OHNOZ

http://img2.purerave.com/5/79/5141479.jpg

http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/funny-pictures-bunny-shows-emergency-exits.jpg

[ShatteredWings]

awhh i love the bunny one

[Mzor203]

One day, 3 men rushed their wives into the Emergency Room for labor.

After a while, the doctor came out and said, "Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, are you here?"

"Yes doctor, im right here," he said anxiously.

"Great news," explained the doctor, "Twins!"

"Wow, thats great, because I work for the DoubleMint company."

About 5 minuter later, the doctor came out and yelled, "Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, are you hear?"

"I'm right year Doc," he said.

"Mr. Jones, great news, triplets!"

"Spectacular!" he said. "Because I work for 3M."

A while later, the doctor came out again and said, "Mr. Ford, Mr. Ford, are you here?"

"Right here docta," he said.

"Wonderful news! It's-"

"Wait a minute!" the man said. "I ain't stickin' around for this! I work at the 7-11."

I lol'd. :D

[fystr]

a joke i got from my friend

A bear walk into a bar and says to the guy:
Bear:I'd like a miller...lite
Guy: Why the pause
Bear: 'Cause I'm a bear

[MisterMonster]

How can you add a curve to make IX (the roman numeral) = 6?

this is a clever one.
i'lll posat the answer later

[Bougainvillea]

Haha :P
Does anyone like Jew jokes. My dad used to say the funniest jew jokes :)

[MisterMonster]

I LOVE ANTI-SEMATISM!
do tell :)

and it was SIX = 6 by the way peeps:P

[Bougainvillea]

I removed these jokes because I do not want to offend anyone.

[JackOfClubs]

What do airplanes and computers have in common?
When you open Windows, they both start crashing!!!

My cousin randomly came up to me and it was hilarious :D

I read this some where, sorry if it is already posted.... And I forgot one of the names sooo.....

George Bush, Bill Clinton, and Al Gore are standing in front of a firing squad.
As Clinton is going to be shot he realises he doesn't want to die. So he yells "TORNADO" at the top of his lungs. All of the soldiers duck and cover and Clinton gets away.
So up next is Al Gore. He also doesn't want to die so he screams "EARTHQUAKE" as loud as he can. All the soldiers get scared and Gore gets away.
Then it is Bush's turn. Like the others he is going to yell something to get out of certain doom.

He yells as loud as he can, "FIRE!".... :D:):P:D

[Whisper]

What'd the right nut say to the left?



The guy in the middles a dick!!

HAAAAAAAAAAA

...penis
lawl

[ShatteredWings]

Kodie. That so shoudln't be funny. Yet is is.....

Teen site = pervs :P

[YourFriend]

Why didn't they rechange it? lol

[Random_oso06]

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery

[OnlyByTheNight.]

The newsest video game released for the OAPs:
Title-Gran Theft Auto.
Tagline-Drive within the speed limits.

[The Batman]

A husband, so proud of the fact that his wife had given birth to 6
children, begins to call her "mother of six" rather than by her
first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles.

A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of her
husband's description. "Mother of six," he would say, "Get me a
beer!" "Hey mother of six, what's for dinner tonight?"

This type of situation persisted to a boiling point.

Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly
yelled out, "Hey mother of six, I think it's time to go!"

The wife seized the moment and shouted back, "I'll be right with
you -- father of four!"

__________________________________________________________________
Laquisha went into the welfare office so she could receive money for her children.
The social worker says, "Ma'am I need you to fill out this form and list each of your children separately on these lines."
Laquisha agrees and returns the next day with her paper work, each line filled out.
The social worker looks at her form puzzled and says, "Ma'am, I don't think you understood, I needed you to put a different child on each line." Laquisha responds, "yes, I did." "Well ma'am", says the social worker, " every line says Leroy." "Yes", says Laquisha, "all my children have the same name."
"Well what if you want them to come in for dinner?"
"I just yell 'Leroy!' out the window and the all come in."
"Well, what if you only want one of them?"
"That's simple I just call them by their last name."

_______________________________________________________________--

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he
might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more money.

"And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.

"It is very simple. First you turn down the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone.
Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they each put 20 dollars in the
collection plate."

So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and low and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher
did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried
his mass hypnosis again.

Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud
thud and springs and parts flew everywhere. "Crap!" exclaimed the pastor.
It took a week to clean up the church.

[tripolar]

What do you call a mushroom that walks into a bar and buys everyone a drink?

A fungi.

[The Batman]

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her 9-year-old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

"Okay. How much?" the man asks after considering the position he is in.

"25 dollars," the little boy replies.

"25 DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"Okay. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

"50 dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"75 dollars," the little boy says.

"75 DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness, the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that crap in here now," the priest replies.

[changed]

I quit my job at the helium bottling factory earlier today.

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone..

[OnlyByTheNight.]

What is green and says "hey I'm a frog"?

A talking frog.

--------

What does a gay horse say?

Hay!

[Capote]

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

--http://www.ahajokes.com/scard.html

Ownage!:D

[changed]

It doesn't matter that this joke is bad, it's 2:08AM and you're more interested in the porn on the next tab.

--

Carlsberg don't do money slang, but if they did, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't call it WONGA like that cunt from the Envirofone advert.

--

Sorry for staring at your tits... I thought I was wearing my sunglasses.

--

My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless.
The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup.
She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself.
She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet.
Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10.
I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts.
I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead.
In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work.
He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22.
He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work.
Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke.
Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing.
Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day.

Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

[The Batman]

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!"

"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

[bidude94]

How can u tell when a blonde has been driving ur car?


There is lipstick on the steering wheel from her blowing the horn
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

A man is on his death bed & confesses to his wife:
Honey I had an affair with ur sister, best friend, and the maid

Wife: I know darling

U just relax and let the poison work

[The Batman]

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balchoy."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

[kenoloor]

^That's awesome!^

[fallen angel]

Teacher - james, why is your cat at school today?
James (crying) - I heard the postman tell mummy 'when the kids go to school I'm going to eat your pussy'

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


2 dwarfs pull two girls and take them home. 1st dwarf can't get it up and to make things worse all night he can hear the 2nd dwarf saying "here I come again, 1, 2, 3 uhh."
Next morning 1st dwarf says to 2nd "how embarrasing I couldn't get an erection"
2nd dwarf replies "you think thats bad, I couldn't even get on the f**king bed"

[Donkey]

Teacher - james, why is your cat at school today?
James (crying) - I heard the postman tell mummy 'when the kids go to school I'm going to eat your pussy'

Hahaha! Love that one.:D

[diamond jetstream]

you use the rock to smash the glass to get the wrench to smash the glass to get the rock to smash the glass to get the wrench to smash the glass to get the rock to smash the glass to get the wrench to smash the glass to get the rock to smash the glass to get the wrench to smash the glass to get the rock to smash the glass to get the wrench to smash the glass to get the rock to smash the glass to get the wrench to smash the glass to get the rock

Three peanuts were walking down the street one was asaulted

[nickings07]

LOL!!!!!

this teenager wants 2 have sex, but he shares a bunkbed with his little brother. so he tells his girlfriend that if she wants it softer say musterd, if she wants it harder, say ketchup. so shes like " ketchup! musterd! ketchup! musterd!" and the little brother says" can u stop making sandwiches up there? ur getting mayonase all over me!"

Love it, nice one!

[nickings07]

a couple are having dinner when a rober comes in and tise therm both up. he goes and wispers in the womens ear and then goes to the bathroom

the husband told his wife that the guy probly hasnt had sex in years and to be strong

wife"he told me he weas gay. be strong honey"


i read this on a pb website so its not exactly right

lol. Now that would freak me out.

[ShatteredWings]

What do you get when you mix a dinosaur and a lesbian?

A lickalotapuss.

WE NEED A GOOD LAUGHING EMOTICON

i nearly fell out of my chair reading this one :P Don't care how old it is

[Contra]

A woman is in a deep coma, and when the nurse was giving her a sponge bath, she notices some brain activity when she got to the pubic area.
The doctor asks to her husband:
-This will sound very strange, but could you have oral sex with your wife?
-Okay, if you ask so...
The door is closed to give them a little privacy, and 5 minutes later the husband shows up at the door and the doctor asks:
-So, did you do it?
-Yes, but I think she choked...

:D

[Aηdy]

New Miley Cyrus DVD: £15 - Tube of KY: £3 - XL Box of Tissues: £2

The look of disgust on the cashier's face as you pay: Priceless

[Bananaaax]

My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day.

Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

[Triceratops]

:hug:
I think if I had to work with these people, I would probably lose the plot with all my patience and sanity going down the drain.

I really hope things improve for you soon. :)

[BlackenedSilver]

That description reminds me so much of a programme on tv I used to watch hehe. xD
*Thinks* Oh yea Scooby Doo! <3 :wub:
Sounds like fun to me :)

[Rutherford The Brave]

I got it and I laughed so hard the first time.

[JackOfClubs]

New Miley Cyrus DVD: £15 - Tube of KY: £3 - XL Box of Tissues: £2

The look of disgust on the cashier's face as you pay: Priceless

Sigged, if you don't mind :D:P

And that last one was funny. Thought it was serious til the last line lol :D

[The Joker]

OK, Tom had to point that out for me to get it.

[Tiberius]

Yeah, me too. That's really sad...

[AdamTheAce]

i got it as soon as i read the last lineb. rofl

[peaceloverugby]

LMFAO i watched WAY too much scooby doo, i got that when it said the stoner had a big dog lol

[ShatteredWings]

New Miley Cyrus DVD: £15 - Tube of KY: £3 - XL Box of Tissues: £2

The look of disgust on the cashier's face as you pay: Priceless

http://i40.tinypic.com/eiox2u.jpg

yeah i actually googled that 4 frame gif :P

[Bananaaax]

scooby doo rocks <3333

[AdamTheAce]

A Blonde walks into an appliance store and says to the clerk
: i would like to buy that TV please.
The clerk replies : im sorry we dotn do business with blondes.
So the blonde dies her hair black and goes back to the store the very next day.
She says to the clerk : i would like to buy that TV please.
The Clerk again replies : im sorry we dont do business with blondes.
The blonde replies : how did you know i was blonde?
The clerk says: Because thats an Oven not a TV.

[JackOfClubs]

Ok this isn't really a joke, but it was funny as hell at the time.

We had all school mass today, and the principal talked to us for a while after it because we still technically had another 30 minutes of school.

Principal: And now, to remind the girls about their purses, as this has been a problem in the past. Your purses may be no larger than your......
*Teacher that manages the sound accidentally plugs out mic*
Teacher: Whoops, sorry!
Principal: Looks like his purse is bigger than his largest textbook!
Student Body: OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO hahahahahaha :P

If that doesn't sound funny, it was actually hilarious at the time :D

[AdamTheAce]

Ok this isn't really a joke, but it was funny as hell at the time.

We had all school mass today, and the principal talked to us for a while after it because we still technically had another 30 minutes of school.

Principal: And now, to remind the girls about their purses, as this has been a problem in the past. Your purses may be no larger than your......
*Teacher that manages the sound accidentally plugs out mic*
Teacher: Whoops, sorry!
Principal: Looks like his purse is bigger than his largest textbook!
Student Body: OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO hahahahahaha :P

If that doesn't sound funny, it was actually hilarious at the time :D

wtf i did not get that

[overcome.]

A woman is really quite excited about the idea of going on holiday, after much consideration she decides on having a break on her own in the Caribbean, her husband doesn't mind so the lady goes on holiday alone. Upon arriving the first day, she soaks up the sun at the beach and meets a man going only by the name of 'Snow'. Snow seems like a nice guy, he's an extremely large black man standing 6"5 weighing 320lbs, the two relax on the beach together, go for a swim. Amongst the other things she did, a very nice holiday, one to remember.

Upon arriving home, her husband asks "Oh, it's great you're back, how was your holiday?". The lady replies to her husband; "You wouldn't believe it, where I was staying, I had 10 inches of snow in the Caribbean!"





Snow...

http://www.golpedirecto.cl/images/stories/ufc91/bob-sapp.jpg

[Zephyr]

So two penguins are bathing in the bath tub. One of the penguins turns to the other and says, "Can you pass me the bar of soap?". The other penguin responds, "What do I look like, a radio?"

----------------------

Q: How do elephants hide from hunters?
- I dunno, how do they hide?
A: They paint their toenails red and climb into a cherry tree.
- That's ridiculous, I've never seen an elephant in a cherry tree!
A: Then it must work :D

[kenoloor]

Q: How do elephants hide from hunters?
- I dunno, how do they hide?
A: They paint their toenails red and climb into a cherry tree.
- That's ridiculous, I've never seen an elephant in a cherry tree!
A: Then it must work :D

Epicness. Wow, that was hilarious. Lame, but hilarious. :D

[Aηdy]

1. Which celebrity raped jordan? judging by the looks of harvey it must have been Clyde from "Every Which Way But Loose"

2. Selling biscuits for 27p thats asda price, selling toys for 99p thats fisher price, selling pathetic rape stories to the press thats katie price

[mrmcdonaldduck]

1. Which celebrity raped jordan? judging by the looks of harvey it must have been Clyde from "Every Which Way But Loose"

2. Selling biscuits for 27p thats asda price, selling toys for 99p thats fisher price, selling pathetic rape stories to the press thats katie price

lol to the last one.

[Zephyr]

Epicness. Wow, that was hilarious. Lame, but hilarious. :D

Precisely, lol

[The Joker]

How do you make Lady Gaga laugh?

You poker face.

[kenoloor]

How do you make Lady Gaga laugh?

You poker face.

Umm, no.

[ShatteredWings]

really? i thought it was funny

[Gumleaf]

actually that joke sounds better when the punch line is like "poke 'er face" lol

[The Joker]

actually that joke sounds better when the punch line is like "poke 'er face" lol

Yeah, I wasn't sure how to word it. :P

[Aves]

I haz a joke: The WNBA :P

[Delusion15]

I haz a joke: The WNBA

nice

but you know whats good about the WNBA
nothing

[The Joker]

I haz a joke: The WNBA :P

nice

but you know whats good about the WNBA
nothing

I lolled.

[kenoloor]

I haz a joke: The WNBA :P

HAHA, that's soo nice. [/sarcasm]

[Sugaree]

I haz a joke: The WNBA :P

I wonder what the 12 fans are going to do :P

[The Joker]

Keep em coming with the WNBA jokes!

[Sugaree]

WNBA jokes coming up!

The WNBA's New York Liberty won their final game of the season, beating the Washington Mystics at Madison Square Garden, 86-65

The game marks the first time the Liberty scored more points than the fans in attendance that evening.

Barack Obama said his daughters are inspired by the WNBA. The only thing the WNBA inspires us to do is change the channel.

If a player gets pregnant during the WNBA season, I wonder if they put her on the 275 day disabled list?

The WNBA has started selling seats at $10. I am woman, hear me plead.

The Indiana Fever have taken a 2-to-1 lead in the WNBA Finals. Not in games, but in fans.

Los Angeles Sparks forward Candace Parker became the second woman to dunk in a WNBA game in a win over the Indiana Fever. What a great moment for all three fans in attendance.

[The Joker]

So, a dyslexic walks into a bra...

[mrmcdonaldduck]

A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."


sorry to all blondes.

[Contra]

(This was in Portuguese, so it has a portuguese VIP... You can understand it anyway)

Three women were in a plane, Claudia Schiffer, Cinha Jardim (the portuguese one) and a black woman.

The pilot then informs them that the plane was having problems and they were all going to die.

Claudia Schiffer has an idea. She goes to the bathroom and starts putting make-up on. The pilot asks "Are you crazy? What are you doing?" She answers "Since I'm well known all around the world, people will all come to look for me, and I want to be pretty".

Cinha Jardim hears this, and after knowing they were passing through Portugal, she starts doing the same thing. The pilot asks again "What are you doing?" and she says "Since I'm well known in Portugal, portuguese people will come looking for me, and I want to be pretty". The pilot thinks "These women are crazy!".

Then he looks to the corner, and there was the black woman, who was putting all the valuable objects of the plane on her vagina. The pilot is stunned and ask :"What the hell are you doing??"

She answers "They are crazy, when a plane falls the first thing they come to look for is the black box!"

[kenoloor]

So, a dyslexic walks into a bra...

Ahahahaa, that's so mean...yet so............hilarious. I'm sorry.

[Sugaree]

Q: What is 200 feet long and has no pubic hair?

A: The front row at a Jonas Brothers concert

Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?

A: On a drum machine you only have to punch in information once*

*Old musician joke

[mrmcdonaldduck]

first one is lol

[Alfred Pennyworth]

A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:

“When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.

“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

[mrmcdonaldduck]

:lol:so funny, lol

[kenoloor]

Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?

A: On a drum machine you only have to punch in information once*

*Old musician joke

Ahh, I love musician jokes. Especially ones about my instruments (I'm a drummer.). Haha.

What's the definition of perfect pitch?

Throwing a french horn into the trash can without hitting the rim.

[Boredomino]

What's the difference between Gordon Brown and a donner kebab?

I don't know, but which one would you rather see roasting on a spike?

[Ghoti]

Two guys walked into a bar. The other one ducked.




Two men are sitting at a bar, slowly sipping their drinks.
After a while, the first man approaches the other man, and sits next to him. "This place is great, isn't it?" he asks.
The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger's remark, replies, "Why do you say that?"
The first man, in a low tone of voice, responds, "Follow me." The two of them walk over to a large window at the end of the room. The window faces out onto the street, 12 floors below.
"Here's why." The first man throws open the window, and boldly steps out into thin air. But he remains aloft!
"The air currents are great here!" he exclaims. "It's very relaxing."
He floats back into the room. As his feet return to the bar-room floor, he invites the second man to try it.
The second man, skeptical, peers out through the window - down to the pavement twelve stories below. He looks to either side, and finally up above, to see if there was anything holding the first man up.
Convinced that it was no trickery, the second man swallows, closes his eyes, and steps out into thin air. He promptly falls twelve stories to the pavement below.
The first man grins and returns to the bar. Looking rather irritated, the barkeep comes over to the place where the man sits.
"You know," he says, disgusted. "You're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

[Sugaree]

So three female professional swimmers, one blonde, one burnette, and one redhead, are challenged to swim accross the English Channel using only the breast stroke. So the race starts and the blonde keeps falling behind while the redhead and burnette get closer and closer to France. At the end of the race, it's a tie between the burnette and redhead. They end up on the beach talking to the press for a few hours. The blonde finally gets onto the beach and starts taking questions from the press.

They ask her, "Why did it take you so long to finish?"

The blonde replied, "Well, you didn't hear it from me, but I think the both of them were cheating."

[Ghoti]

Edited because everyone hates me.

[Boredomino]

What's the difference between Gordon Brown and a nice, juicy kebab?

I don't know, but which one would you rather see burning on a spike?

---

Here's another joke:

Miley Cyrus is a very talented singer.

*ba-dum tsh!*

[kenoloor]

Here's a good joke: George Bush.

[Sugaree]

Q: How can a white person offend a black person with a word beginning with "N" and ending with "R"?

A: Neighbor

[Dead_User]

So a blonde is on one side of the river, and she spots another blonde on the other side. She sees her, and shouts, "HEY!! Hey you!! Yeah, how the hell do i get to the other side?!?!?" The other blonde looked annoyed, and yelled back, "You moron, you're ON the other side!!!"

[CanadaRocksEH]

Ok on a train car there is an Albertan man, a Quebec man, an elderly woman and a gorgeous blonde with big boobs. While the train was traveling it went into a tunnel covering the room in complete darkness and all you hear is a loud "SLAP". When the train came out of the tunnel the quebec man had a huge hand print on his cheek.

The old woman was thinking that the quebec man must of groped the young blonde and she slapped him across the face

The young blonde was thinking that the quebec man must of tried to grope her but missed a groped the old woman and she slapped him

The quebec man was thinking that the albertan man must of groped the young woman and when she slapped she missed and hit him

The albertan man was thinking: "i cant wait till the next tunnel so i can slap that guy from quebec again"

[Zephyr]

My math instructor told us this one...

Q: What goes, *clip-clop**clip-clop**clip-clop*BANG!*clip-clop**clip-clop**clip-clop*?

A: An Amish drive-by shooting.

[mrmcdonaldduck]

ive heard that one before and it never gets old

[Philip]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSjRjaq6PuQ&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=og5AQ8aqmDI&feature=related

[Obscene Eyedeas]

A girl goes to the doctor: Doctor Doctor whats wrong with me wherver i touch it hurts.
Sht takes her finger pokes her head and screams, pokes her chest and screams, pokes her legs arms stomach shoulders and screams evrytym.
The doctor asks her: Is ur natural hair color blond?
The girl: YA Y?
The doctor: Ur fingers broken. . . . . .

................................................................................ .....................
A girl sick of all the blonde jokes goes to the hair dressers and dyes her hair brunette.
On the way home she comes accross a farmer who is moving his sheep to a new field.
The girl thinks the sheep are the preetiest things in the world.
So she asks the farmer if i can guess how many sheep u hav can i tak one? The famrer says ok. So she randomly guesses 132.
The farmer is shocked but says take ur pick then.
The girl picks out the most boisterous cute playful sheep. .. . . . . . . . . . .
Then the farmer says if i can guess ur real hair color can i hav my dog back?. . . . . . .
Lmao

[boysboysboys]

a kid was walking around his house and heard his parents say dicks and fannies.
he asked them what it meant and they said hats and coats son, hats and coats.

later on he walked past the kitchen and he saw his dad stuffing a turkey and heard him say 'fuck'!
he asked what it meant and his dad said, stuffing the turkey son, stuffing the turkey.

after that, he walked past his mums room and saw her putting makeup on her face and he heard her say 'shit'!
he asked what it meant and she said makeup son, makeup.

later in the evening, some friends of his parents came over and they said to him, where are your parents?
he said
dads in the kitchen fucking the turkey and mums in her room putting shit on her face
may i take you dicks and fannies?

[CanadaRocksEH]

dk if i said this before............
whats the difference between tiger woods and santa?

Santa knows to stop after three hoes, ho ho ho lol

[ShatteredWings]

My math instructor told us this one...

Q: What goes, *clip-clop**clip-clop**clip-clop*BANG!*clip-clop**clip-clop**clip-clop*?

A: An Amish drive-by shooting.

My history teacher loved that one :P

[Alfred Pennyworth]

Q: Why did Tiger Woods hit a tree AND a fire hydrant?










A: He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron. :D

[OstrichAficionado]

dk if i said this before............
whats the difference between tiger woods and santa?

Santa knows to stop after three hoes, ho ho ho lol

Funny, but mean :/

but seriously, it is funny