Jokes and Riddles

[Brazdar]

:lol3: :lol3: :lol3:

[Sugaree]

What the one thing that Sarah Palin does which doesn't maker her relate to a Pit Bull?

She puts on lipstick.

[The Batman]

Yea charlie not your best one.

GOOGLE OF THE FUTURE http://i25.tinypic.com/10xybnd.jpg

[Mzor203]

Lol, I want that. Minus the porn button.

<_<

>_>

[The Batman]

Life is Gamble, Life is Game.

2 Mins of Pleasure, 9 Months of pain.

The boy does the f**king, the Girl gets the blame.

Quick 2 the Hospital, the baby needs a name.

The Father is a Bastard, the Mother is a whore.

All these happen because the condom tore.

[BeautifulSilence]

*Claps* I love them sortsa rhymes :)

[Random_oso06]

it may be funny to some people but i call it a miracle i copied it from my diary because it's morning and i'm lazy (scratch back) =P

wow i came back from my cousin's party it was fun my friend was there he told me what happen to him and his dad yesterday it was funny and quite weird so my friend's dad works in the border patrol and he was coming home late and my friend was stay with his mom at the time and he went to pick him up and take him home then they saw this hitch hiker and picked them up stupid right will he was caring a bag and didn't let my friend aj and his dad see what's inside then the man wen to use the phone and aj's dad saw a poster of wanted people and the guy they picked up was in it he didn't tell aj because we would of panicked and before the could leave the guy behind he came back to the car so they stopped at the gas station and aj's dad told the guy that he needs gas then gave the guy 20 bucks and told him to get gas and when the guy left they left fast and aj told him why did we leave him then he freaked out and said why didn't you call 911 and he said they didn't have to because there was a police car on the other side of the store so i was like what the hell and they did call 911 later to make sure that the cop found him and there going to be in the local news on tv

[The Batman]

A man walks into a bar and finds a jar full of money on the counter. He asks the bartender what it's for.

The bartender replies, "Every night we have a contest that you have to complete three tasks to win all the money in the jar."

The man asks, "What are the tasks?"

"First, you have to go over to Jimmy the bouncer and knock him out with one hit.

Then, well, there's a pitbull out back and you have to pull its blunt tooth out.

Finally, the bosses wife is up stairs and you have to go pleasure her, but you have to put down ten dollars to play." said the bartender.

"Damn." says the man.

Later that night, after several drinks, the man smacks down a ten dollar bill and says, "I'm in."

He walks over to the bouncer and swings. One hit he's out cold.

The man falls flat on his face also, but gets up and walks out back.

All you hear is the dog howling.

Then the man steps back in, goes over to the bartender and asks, "Now where's that lady with the blunt tooth."

[BeautifulSilence]

^^^

I think I've heard that one before, but I still laughed.:lol::lol:

[The Batman]

A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. "Guaranteed like heck," he thinks to himself. "But lets see what they think they can do." He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program.
The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, "I like the way this company does business." For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weigh himself and, sure enough, he has lost 10 pounds.
Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time.
As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds.
I love this company, he thinks to himself, "I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun." Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. "Are you sure, sir?" Asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most vigorous program." "Absolutely," says he, "I love your program. Haven't felt this good in years!"
The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If I can catch you, I can have you."

[Mzor203]

Lol, that's hilarious.

[The Batman]

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ...."
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still
on my desk... sorry ........
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ..
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
Gates!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says
'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front
of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: And now hit F8. Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter
V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A customer couldn't get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you
please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4
hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it.

[BeautifulSilence]

All funny!
"Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?"
Giggled out loud at that one ^_^

[Gumleaf]

those are fantastic thomas. even computer illiterate me could understand all of those lol.

[The Batman]

GIRL: I have sinned. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.

PSYCHIATRIST:You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist kissed the girl )
GIRL: ......Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST:Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top.
PSYCHIATRIST:You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist put his hand in the girl's top )
GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST:Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST:You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist took off the girl's clothes )
GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST:Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST:You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist had sex with the girl )
GIRL: .Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST:Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, then he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD!!!!!

[ShatteredWings]

lmao
that's sicccck. but funny

[BeautifulSilence]

:lol:

[Gumleaf]

thats bad thomas, but i still laughed.

[The Batman]

The girl admitted under parental questioning that she was pregnant, but couldn’t say who was responsible.

“All right!” bellowed her Mother, “you march yourself to your room, and don’t come out until you can give us a definite answer.”

Later that nite her voice rang down the stairs. “Hey Mom, I think I have an idea now.”

“I should hope so!” the Mother responded. “The very idea that any daughter of mine could get pregnant, let alone not know the father.”

“Chill Mom.” the girl said. “I got it narrowed down to the band or the football team!”

[Gumleaf]

hahaha i like that one thomes. :D

[BeautifulSilence]

Oh my :lol:

[The Batman]

This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed.
However, as soon as they settled down, the man leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet."
The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first."
So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"
No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.
Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy b***h."

[Bobby]

Haha that's funny. Where do you get these?

[The Batman]

Another forum I'm not saying the name cause they offer other things besides jokes and I can't share a link to that on here.

[Mzor203]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."



Lol :D

[ShatteredWings]

discusting..

but funny

[BeautifulSilence]

LMAO to both!

[Sugaree]

A man was hiding in the bushes near the Capitol building in Washington D.C. when a government employee walks out of the building. The man tells him "Give me all your money or I shoot you!" and the worker says "I work for the IRS!" to which the man replied "Then give me back MY money."

[The Batman]

Two voices; male and female; seated on a plane

“I think everyone’s asleep; lets go”

Sound of steps.

“This one’s empty … no one’s looking … you go in first”

“It a bit cramped - let me sit down”

“Have you got the condom?

“Quick, put it on”

Sniff sniff

“Ah perfume - you think of everything”

“This is great…..” (long sigh)

Static on the loud speaker then a new voice.

“This is the captain speaking to those two people in the rear toilet.

We know what you’re doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations.

Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector!”

[Sugaree]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.


His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

[The Batman]

Once there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decides to visit a church & confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area & spoke to the pastor.
" Father i am sinful",
" Yes son just tell me what have you done the lord will forgive you."
" Father i have a steady relationship wit my girlfriend, itz been three yrs & nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday i visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone & i slept with her."
" That's bad my boy. Fortunately you realize your mistake."
" Father last week i went to her office to look for her, but no body was around except for one of her colleagues, so i slept with her too."
" That's not very good of you."
" Father last month i went to her uncles house to look for her no body was arroung except for her aunt & i slept with her too."
"Father?......" " Father?...." Suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the father. he walked over & discoverd that the pastor was not there. So he began searching for him, " Father... Where are you?".
He searched high & low & finally found the pastor hiding under the table behind the piano. " Father Why are you hiding here?" " Sorry son, suddenly i realized there is no body arround here except me."

[BeautifulSilence]

Hehe

[ShatteredWings]

i don't get it..

[Mzor203]

Lol

Basically Gwyn, wherever he went, he had sex with SOMEONE, and the pastor was the only one around so...

[Kuervo]

ok so there was this drunk guy and he gets to his house and knocks. and the wife looks out the window.

"open the damn door!"
shes like "no u stinkin drunk"
"i have some flowers for u, baby, my beautiful wife" he said
so the wife goes to the front door and saids"so where r the flowers"
he's like" and wheres the beautiful lady im waiting 4"

[Kuervo]

i have another one: ok so this other drunk guy gets to his house and opens the door and his wife is like "u stinkin drunk where have u been. u smell like a dead cat and a freakin drunk u smelly old rat."
then he's like" if its a riddle its ur ass, honey"

[Rutherford The Brave]

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

[BeautifulSilence]

:lol:

[Oblivion]

Hahaha Greg thats a good one :)

[Sugaree]

Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical(SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?
SM.: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to have his way with us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.
SM: It is not working.
SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow both of us.
So the man decided to go after Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived.
Finally, Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.
SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.
SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.
SM: So what happened?
SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And what else?
SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.
SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down!

[BeautifulSilence]

Hahah :D

[ShatteredWings]

lmao

wow that was weird enough

[The Batman]

An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him - “Doctor, I don’t know what the problem is, but I’ve been farting all the time. It’s not really a problem socially because they don’t make any noise and don’t smell. I just can’t stop farting all the time. In fact, since I’ve been standing here I must have farted at least 20 times.”

“No kidding…” says the doctor with a bit of an upturned nose. The doc says “I’ve got just the stuff.” and gives her some pills. “Here take these for 10 days, then return for a followup appointment.”

So she takes the pills and returns 10 later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. “What kind of medicine is this? I’m still farting just as much! They still don’t make any noise, but now they stink terribly!”

The doctor nodded, “Great, now that we’ve your sinuses cleared up, we’ll work on your hearing next!

[ShatteredWings]

lmao

takes 'fart joke" to new meaning

[The Batman]

A four year old little boy was at the doctor’s office with his mother in the waiting room when he spotted a pregnant lady on the other side of the room. Having nothing better to do, he walk over to her and inquisitively asks “Why is your stomach so big?”

She replied, “Im having a baby.” With big eyes, he replied, “Is the baby in your stomach?” She said, “He sure is.”

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look on his face, asked yet another question, “Is it a good baby?” She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.” At this point the woman is thinking the little boy is incredibly cute and looks forward to what he has to say next…

And, much to her surprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, he asks.. “Then why did you eat him?”

[BeautifulSilence]

That's no joke, I've seen it happen! XD

[Sugaree]

Ha! Nice one Tom :D

[The Batman]

A married couple having their first baby were invited to make use of a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pains to the Baby's father.
Both were happy to try it.
The pain transfer was set to 10 percent but the husband felt nothing so the doctor increased it to 20 percent. The father said he still felt fine and his blood pressure was normal. He invited the doctor to kick it up to 50 percent.

Still no reaction.

The doctor was amazed and slowly transferred all the pain until the wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband and the doctor were ecstatic.

When they got home, the Gardener was lying dead at the gate.

[ShatteredWings]

i think you've posted that one already

still made me laugh

[The Batman]

No I've never posted that one I just found it today. My eye's shot out of my head when I read it.

[BeautifulSilence]

I've heard or read it before but still made me smile :)

[The Batman]

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

[Serenity]

lol heard it before but still classic.

[The Batman]

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.

Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.

Leroy's mother, being a religious woman, wanted Leroy to reflect on his behavior over the last year.

"Go to your room, Leroy, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."

Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter #1:
"Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Leroy"

Leroy knew that wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter #2:
"Dear God,
I have been an "OK" boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.

Leroy"

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. So he wrote a third letter.

Letter #3:
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike

for my birthday. Please!

Thank you,
Leroy"

Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.

By now Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Leroy's

mother thought her plan had worked as Leroy looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner", Leroy's mother told him.

Leroy walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Leroy went into the church and up to the

altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there.

Leroy bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the

church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Leroy began to write yet another letter to God.

Letter #4:
"God, I've got your mama. If you want to see her again, send the bike!

Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO!!!

[Mzor203]

Lol at both those ones Thomas. You have the most extraordinary Joke-finding skills. :D

[Oblivion]

Lmao at all the ones on this page from you Thomas :P

[BeautifulSilence]

Now that was fun-neeeeyh!

[ShatteredWings]

hahaha

that was so wrong, but so funny

[Sugaree]

LITTLE HARRY ON MATH (Part 1)



A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence,
and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'


She calls on little Harry.


He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'


The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little Harry says, 'I have a question for YOU Miss Rogers'.


There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.


The second is gobbling down the top and sucking on the cone.


The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.


Which one is married?'


The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little Harry replies, 'The correct answer is 'The one with
the wedding-ring on, 'but I like your thinking.'




LITTLE HARRY ON MATH (Part 2)



Little Harry returns from school and says he got an 'F' in arithmetic.


'Why'? asks the father.


'The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3', so I said 6', replies Harry.


'But that's right' says his father.


'Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3 x 2'


'What's the fuckin' difference?' asks the father.


'That's what I said' replied Harry.





LITTLE HARRY ON ENGLISH




Little Harry goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going
to learn multi-syllable words in our class. Does anybody have an
example of a multi-syllable word?'


Harry says 'Mas-tur-bate.'


Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, Harry, that's a real mouthful.'


Little Harry says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow-job.'




LITTLE HARRY ON GRAMMAR


Little Harry was sitting in the class one day.



All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,
'Miss Jones, I need to go take a piss!!'



The teacher replied, 'Now Harry, that is NOT the proper word to use in
this situation. The correct word you want to is, 'I need to Urinate'.

Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will
allow you to go.'

Little Harry thinks for a bit, and then says, 'YOUR'E AN EIGHT, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN'





LITTLE HARRY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)




One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a
show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the
same sentence twice.



First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father
bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael.

'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out beautifully.'


She said, 'Excellent, Michael, excellent.'


Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Harry.


'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fuckin' beautiful'.


LITTLE HARRY ON GETTING OLDER

Little Harry was sitting on a park bench, munching on one candy bar
after another.


After the 6th bar, a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you
know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne,
rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little Harry replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time'?

Little Harry answered, 'No, he just minded his own fuckin' business.'

[ShatteredWings]

lmao

kid cusses too much :p

[Attax]

That made me lol!

[BeautifulSilence]

Have we had the 'Voodoo Dick' one yet? If not 'tis below :P


So, a man has to go away on holiday and doesn't want his wife to 'mess around' ith anyone while he is away. He goes to a sex shop and starts looking around. Not being very familiar with female sex toys, he asks the shop owner what she thinks about a blow up doll. She replies, saying it's a bit boring and still quite similar to cheating. She pulls him closer and says she has one very special toy, but you have to be very careful with it. She reaches under the desk and pulls out a plain white box, with clear black writing, which reads 'Voodoo Dick'.
He says what's so special about it? She takes it out of the box, it looks like a wooden dildo. Then she says, very carefully 'Voodoo Dick, the door knob' fast as hell, this dildo races across the room and starts f**king the hell out of the door knob! Within seconds, the door handle's become loose and the ladie says 'Voodoo Dick, stop'.
'That's astounding!' he exclaims, before throwing $50 onto the table. As soon as he gets home he tells his wife about the dildo. 'Whatever you want it to f**k you say, after "Voodoo Dick"!' He then leaves for his holiday. While he's away, his wife enjoys the new toy.
'Voodoo Dick, my vagina' the dildo zooms towards her, and she starts feeling the pleasure right away. After 6 orgasms, she's exhausted and tries to pull the dildo out. No success. She gets in the car and drives as fast as she can to the hospital.
She's got the dildo viciously thrusting, so she can't drive properly. Of course, she gets pulled over by a copper. After she tries to explain, he sniggers and says 'Voodoo Dick, my arse!'.

[ShatteredWings]

that took me a minute

but HAHAHA nice laura

[Mzor203]

I saw that one before... but it was still funny.

[DarkWingedAngel]

haha that is funny

ok i got one
so there are 3 men, one is Chinese one is Japanese and the other is a dumb guy
they work at a construction site and are hungry so they open up there lunch boxes
the Chinese guy open's up his lunchbox and sees spaghetti he says "eww i hate spaghetti, if i get spaghetti one more time im goin to jup off of this building"
then the Japanese guy open's up his lunchbox and sees sushi he says "eww i hate sushi, if i get sushi one more time i will jump off of this building"
then the dumb guy open's up hi lunchbox and sees a bologna sandwich and says "eww i hate bologna, if i get it one more time i will jump of of this building
sure enough they all get what they hate so they jump off of the building
at they guys funerals latter that day
the Chinese guys mom said " well if he told me he did not like spaghetti i wouldn't have packet it for him"
then the Japanese guys mom said "well if he told me he did not like sushi i wouldn't have packed it for him"
at the dumb guys funeral his mom said "i dont know what to say, he packed his own lunch"

[ShatteredWings]

lmao

nice. dumb guy there

[Mzor203]

I heard the dumb blonde version of that joke. Funny.

[DarkWingedAngel]

ok i got another

there are 3 men on a plane
one is Chinese the other is Japanese and the other guy is going to war
so the Chinese guy is hungry so he looks in his lunchbox a sees an apple he says
"eww i hate apples" then throws it out the window
when he gets to the airport he sees a kid crying he says "why are you crying little kid"
the little kid says "i was walking and out of nowhere an apple falls out of the sky and bonks me one the head"
then the 2nd guy is hungry so he looks in his lunchbox and sees a pear he says "eww i hate pears" then throws out out of the window
when he gets to the airport he sees a little kid crying he says "why are you crying little kid"
then the little kid says "i was walking and out of nowhere a pear falls out of the sky and bonks my mom on the head"
then the guy that is going to war he has a bomb in his hand and by accident it falls
when he gates to the airport he sees a little kid laughing he says "why are you laughing little kid"
then the little kid says "because i farted and my house blew up"

[ShatteredWings]

lmao. nice. wherd'ya get these?

[DarkWingedAngel]

i have know idea i got them along time ago

and here is another

a blond was sat in a doctors waiting room crying her eyes out. a man walked over and said "whats the matter darlin" she replied, "its my..my mum...she died" so he sat there comforting her telling her she was in a better place. then the blondes mobile rang she answered it, "what oh mu gosh not you too, ohh thats terrible im so sorry" she put the phone down and burst in to tears again and the man said, "who was that?" she replied, "it was my sister...her mum died too"

[Requin]

You may have heard this one, but it's funny:

A doctor is lecturing to some students. He has a dead body lying on the table, he says to the students, "Right, when being a doctor you must listen and concentrate on everything, you must also do things that are not...pleasant"
The doctor throws back the sheet covering the body and sticks his finger up the dead mans anus and licks his finger. He then says "Right, now you do it"
So all the students stick there finger up the man's anus and lick it. After they've all done it the doctor folds back the sheet and smiles at them.
"As i said, concentration and listenting skills" he holds up his index finger, "This is the finger i used up the man's anus," he holds up his middle finger, "But what you didn't notice is that i sucked this one"

It's pretty disgusting, but it's clever and i thought it was funny so...my bad.

[Whisper]

A little boy walks up to his mum, "mommy what's an orgasm?" "I don't know dear ask your father"

HA!

that was the beginning of a news article the other day

[BeautifulSilence]

I heard the dumb blonde version of that joke. Funny.

Ditto :P

You may have heard this one, but it's funny:
ETC

I first read that one with a cow's arse, instead of a dead body :)

GREAT JOKES GUYS.

[DarkWingedAngel]

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she
was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble." "I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over, so now we're going to Sea World"

[Random_oso06]

hahahahahaha that's funny

[Gumleaf]

not really a joke, but its funny. got sent to me in a text on my phone


newsflash!!!

aliens have invaded earth and are abducting all blokes with big dicks. don't worry, you're safe. i'm just texting to say goodbye...

[Neverender]

this made me crack up after i first read it. if youve never heard a newfie you may not get the humor in this.

the ten commandments in Newfinese:

1. Ders jus one Lard
2. ‘Onor yer Mudder ‘n Fadder
3. No tellin’ jigs ‘n yarns
4. Go on tad eh Sundee meetin b’y.
5. Dere’s nuttin befare deh ‘oly Lard
6. No foolin ‘round wit anudder buddy’s missus
7. No killin’
8. Mine yer mout' now
9. Never mind ‘bout which t’aint yers
10. Never mind ‘bout yer buddy’s stuff


try figuring that out without looking it up on the internet.

[iJack]

Haha!

Whats #7 tho?
o.O
:P

[Neverender]

i don't know. what could it possibly be? so hard to understand. not at all like #4.

[Requin]

Time for a classic.

There are two fish in a tank and one of them says to the other:
"How do you drive this thing?"

[ShatteredWings]

i understood it...really not hard. not much different from inner-city talk

[DarkWingedAngel]

here's a few

one day there is a blonde walking in a barber shop while shes wearing head phones and the barber says can u please take of your headphones and the blonde says no these are important so she gets her haircut but the barber just slips the headphones off and in 30 seconds she dies and the barber listens to it and it says breath in breath out breath in breath out

Diary of a Blonde
Dear Diary: Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with
those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.... But this week I got a
call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed
a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy, did we go
around!! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically
stupid...

So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up and I have not heard back.
Guess I won that stupid argument...

[ShatteredWings]

wow. stupid blondies

[Random_oso06]

ok There was a fat blonde talking to her cat and they were spying on her friend's date with a geek then the cat says i though geeks only cared about homework and internet ao the blonde says wow cat you stereotypical bitch and then you'll say all fat blondes like to eat ice cream,corn dogs too right so the cats says you said it not me then the blonde say and pizza,cake,donuts,pretzel,chips,cotton candy,hot dogs,and dog in general then the cat says this is Japan not Korea



the emo girl told her friend to look for sites in her micro computer and the fat blonde says did someone say microwave

Narrator: in a dark place far way a stalker is using magic
Stalker: Double double tole and trouble I don't remember F#$%^N your mom in my calderon call me up honey hellllloo
Calderon:You have entered the correct password i shall now inform you of a secret fact that no one know hence forth it is a secret
Stalker: is it the information of the person i'm stalking
Calderon: Random fact 0019 Eric wants to be a pirate for halloween
Stalker: What the F#@K
Calderon: Well you are talking to a calderon what do you expect
Calderon: Random fact 0369 Clocks are not adulates projectile weapons
Stalker: Yea thanks I will keep it in mind

[Zephyr]

Q: What goes *clip-clop**clip-clop**clip-clop* BANG! *clip-clop**clip-clop**clip-clop*?

A: An Amish drive-by shooting.

[Random_oso06]

the blonde talks to the president and says Britain may land on mars first so we landed o the moon and the president says we need something bigger ohoh the blonde says lets land on the sun and the president says won't we burn up then she says then we will go at night

[BeautifulSilence]

Hahaha. Classic.

[Random_oso06]

ya i got that from my science teacher

[Random_oso06]

here's a funny one

Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?" The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours." So the nuns left thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"

The next day they went to the mother one at a time. The mother said tot he first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I stole a kid's bike." The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.

The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!" The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."

The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"


Yo mama is so fat, she's the reason they declared world hunger.

[BeautifulSilence]

I don't get it :confused:

[The Batman]

You and me both Laura:confused:

[Random_oso06]

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. He releases Juan and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

[The Batman]

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."

[DarkWingedAngel]

haha now that is funny

[Random_oso06]

omg thats funny hahaha


One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

[The Batman]

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that there had to be something done about it.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She then explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.
He took out a long-handled mop, dipped it into the toilet bowl and then used it to clean the mirror. Needless to say, there have been no lip prints on the mirror since!

[Sugaree]

.........

[The Batman]

No matt no.

[ShatteredWings]

NOT funny matt... are you alright, usually you're not that crude

[The Batman]

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.
Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair!"

[Oblivion]

Lmao Tommy. Lmao.

[DarkWingedAngel]

.............. *thinks for a good 1/2 hour* oh i get nope don't get it *scratches head*

[The Batman]

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.


P.S. Sure is hot down here.

[Random_oso06]

oh my god thats funny

[Random_oso06]

there is this man he says i will give 5 billion dollars to anyone that can stand still the longest and after 7 years there is only 2 guys left and the second guy falls and the first guy stands still and cryed and the man that is giving the money says are you crying because you won and the guy says no i'm crying because i'm going to need 5 billion and one dollars to walk again

alternate ending : the second guy falls and crys and the fist guy leaves with the money and the man that gave the money say are you crying because you fell and the guys says no i'm crying because i thought if i waited in this contest long my wife would leave me but she called me and said i will be waiting for you and we have a lot of stuff to catch up with and thats why i fell untill she said that i got the wrong message and that message was suppose to go to the gardener

[The Batman]

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"

[Requin]

Ewwwwww. LMAO!!!!!!!

Frankie Boyle Joke coming up. On Mock the Week they were asked what the Queen didn't say in her Christmas message, and Frankie said:
I've had a lot of medical problems this year, i'm so old now my pussy is haunted.

[The Batman]

Letter from grandma

One day I received a letter from grandma...


The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!


I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!


There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach". I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing. He was enjoying this religious experience, too!


A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.


So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.


Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!


Grandma

[mandypie]

wow that is funny... im new here and i hope that i make some friends...

[Random_oso06]

you will


hahaha that is funny

[The Batman]

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "b**ch" and the women called the man a "bastard".

Their son walked in and said "What does b**ch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my t****es" and the man said "feel my d**k".

Their son walked in and asked "What does t****es and d**k mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "S**t" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "F**k" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you b**ches and bastards, put your d**ks and t****es in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the s**t off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen f**king the turkey!

[Random_oso06]

HAHAHAHAHA that a good joke

[Neverender]

world's most complex tongue twister done by Ryan Michael M. Menchion Esquire the 475th "Evil Genius"

here goes:

Mr. See and Mr. Soar were old friends. See owned a saw and Soar owned a seesaw. Now, See's saw sawed Soars old seesaw before Soar saw See, which made Soar sore. Had Soar seen See's saw before See's saw Soar's seesaw, then See's saw wouldn't have sawed Soars seesaw. But See saw Soar and Soar's seesaw before Soar saw See's saw, so See's saw sawed Soars seesaw. It was a shame to let See see Soar so sore just because See's saw sawed Sores seesaw.
:stretcher:

[The Batman]

Oh my gawd that's a mouth full. ;)

[Aηdy]

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!!

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'

[Neverender]

Lmao!! thats ticklish on the inside.

:)

[Gumleaf]

i like it andy, funny stuff :D

[Aηdy]

It made me chuckle lol!

[BeautifulSilence]

Not a massive laugh, but good enough for a smile :)

[Aηdy]

A scouse wedding ends in a riot, police arrest 20 and they end up in court.

The best man says to the Judge "Can I explain what happened, it's scouse tradition for the best man to have the first dance with the bride, which I did. I was dancing very close. The groom ran at us and kicked his bride right between the legs."

"Gosh," Says the Judge "That must have been sore"

"Sore?"

"He broke 3 of my f***ing fingers!!"

[Neverender]

:DAndy, thats a funny one. it also tickles me on the inside

[The Batman]

There was a man resting and enjoying the view on the beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?"

Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

[Neverender]

HAHAHA!! good one


i have the simplest one, but you needs to be a bit smart to get it.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Michael Jackson.


get it?

[bagman]

so there is a snail with an S on his car... people ask why is there a S on his car. he replys people will say “Look At That S Car Go!!!”

[ShatteredWings]

There was a man resting and enjoying the view on the beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?"

Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"
lmao! nice
HAHAHA!! good one


i have the simplest one, but you needs to be a bit smart to get it.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Michael Jackson.


get it?
no..
so there is a snail with an S on his car... people ask why is there a S on his car. he replys people will say “Look At That S Car Go!!!”
i get it, but it's kinda 2nd grade

[Neverender]

Michael Jackson is scary enough, he dosn't need the rest of the joke to get to the punchline.

[charlie w]

mate, thats funny,
two blonds walked into a bar
ouch!!!
bad i know

[The Batman]

Subject: A Letter to Dad


A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom
was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and
tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of
the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he
opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-

Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm
writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend
Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been
finding real passion with Randy and he is
so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even
with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But
it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he
wants me to have the kid and that
we can be very happy together. Even though
Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so
old these days is it?),
and has no money, really these things shouldn't
stand in the way of our
relationship, don't you agree?

Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a
trailer in the woods
and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's
true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful
to me in his own way.
He wants to have many more children with me and
that's now one of my dreams too.

Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our
friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll
pray that science will find a
cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure
deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know
how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can
get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,
Rosie.



At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO".
Hands still trembling,
her father turned the sheet, and read:

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at
the neighbor's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse
things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer.
Please sign it and call when it is
safe for me to come home. I love you!

[charlie w]

thats funny
A girl and a boy were playing naked in the sandpit.
The girl points at the boy's bits and asks what's that
The boy goes i don't know i will ask my dad
so the boy goes and asks his dad what's this
and the dad goes that my son is your motorcycle you shove it up a girls garage.
The next day the boy points at the girls bits and asks whats that
the girl goes i don't know i will ask my mum
so the girl asks her mum whats this
and the mum goes that my daughter is your garage you must never let any boy shove his motercycle up there.
The next day the girls mum heard a shout and her daughter running back with blood on her hands
the mum asked her what have you done
and the girl replied the boy tried to shove his motorcycle into my garage so i tore his wheels off.

[xGreenling]

A respected cardiologist dies at a ripe old age after a life of dedicated and fruitful work. At his funeral, to honor his dedication to his career, his casket passes through a large heart made of red roses.

One of his friends, a podiatrist, turns to another, a neurologist, and says "You know, they couldn't do that for us. Feet? Brains? It just doesn't have the romance." A man sitting in the row behind overheard this, and burst out laughing. The two turned to him and asked what he found so funny - that he'd be in stitches at a friends funeral.

"Oh, sorry," the man responded. "But I'm a proctologist!"

[The Batman]

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where`s Mom and dad?"

and she replied, "they`re up in bed."

The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where`s Mom and Dad?"

and she replied "they`re still up in bed."

Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where`s Mom and dad?"

and his grandmother replied "they`re still up in bed."

The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "whats so funny? Every time I tell you they`re still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?"

The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

[BeautifulSilence]

Hahahaha!

[Gumleaf]

what gets longer when pulled?
fits between boobs?
inserts neatly in a hole?
and works best when jerked?





















a seatbelt!!! get your mind out of the gutter peoples :P

[DarkWingedAngel]

^^^ haha i was thinking stuff but then I scrolled down

[Random_oso06]

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where`s Mom and dad?"

and she replied, "they`re up in bed."

The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where`s Mom and Dad?"

and she replied "they`re still up in bed."

Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where`s Mom and dad?"

and his grandmother replied "they`re still up in bed."

The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "whats so funny? Every time I tell you they`re still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?"

The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

lmao haha

[Neverender]

haha

that one burst my skull

[The Batman]

http://img98.imageshack.us/img98/7251/bbfe002a6fda4804da9939dme6.jpg
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes woot woot

[Gumleaf]

good stuff thomas! i like it. :)

[Neverender]

ahhh. thats an old but funny one.:)

[Mzor203]

This... while a bit disturbing, made me laugh.

__________

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

[Sage]

Knock knock.

Who's there?

9/11.

9/11 who?

You said you'd never forget!

[Avalikia]

Every fight is a food fight if you're a cannibal.

[DarkWingedAngel]

Knock knock.

Who's there?

9/11.

9/11 who?

You said you'd never forget!

hahaha that's funny

[xGreenling]

every fight is a food fight if you're a cannibal.

lmao.

[Θάνατος]

Here are some jokes that I got sent to me from texts.

A retail just announced they would supply Obama with four years of clothes with their logo on it. The store: Target.


Lincoln is on the 5 dollar bill. Franklin is on the 100 dollar bill, Now that Obama is president, betcha they will put that nigga on the food stamp.


All white people must report to the cotton fields tomorrow.

The Statue of Liberty is coming down today. Aunt Jamima is going up

Obama was on CNN this morning ans he was not sure he could fix the economy but fairly sure he could nigga rig it.


Please remember these are only jokes I hope that I didn't offend any one with these jokes it is all in good fun. I sent them to a mod and and admin and they laughed real hard.

[ShatteredWings]

.....that's really tasteless. Even though i think he's incompetent, there's no reason to make slurs agains the man

[The Batman]

LMAFO those are hilarious no matter how hard I tried not to laugh I could not resist it. Good find rob. Gwyn it's in good fun it's not a personal attack against him.

[Antares]

LOL @ Rob!

[Kuervo]

Here are some jokes that I got sent to me from texts.

A retail just announced they would supply Obama with four years of clothes with their logo on it. The store: Target.


Lincoln is on the 5 dollar bill. Franklin is on the 100 dollar bill, Now that Obama is president, betcha they will put that nigga on the food stamp.


All white people must report to the cotton fields tomorrow.

The Statue of Liberty is coming down today. Aunt Jamima is going up

Obama was on CNN this morning ans he was not sure he could fix the economy but fairly sure he could nigga rig it.


Please remember these are only jokes I hope that I didn't offend any one with these jokes it is all in good fun. I sent them to a mod and and admin and they laughed real hard.


that was uh ok i guess. resally offensive though, but uh eh lol

[The Batman]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

[ShatteredWings]

lol :D

[Random_oso06]

hahahaha thats funny

[The Batman]

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married. So Johnny goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?”

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.”

Again, Johnny instantly replies, “Our allowance - Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine”

By this time Mr Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won’t have an answer to.

After a second, Mr.Smith says, “Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?”

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says “Well, we’ve been lucky so far………”

Mr. Smith faints………….

[Random_oso06]

omg the little kids haha lol dude that just made my day

[ShatteredWings]

hahaha. wow

[The Batman]

Old Fred's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn't look good for him. Suddenly he motions frantically to the pastor for something to write on. The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then dies. The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away, so he places it in his jacket pocket.

At Fred's funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes that he's wearing the jacket he was wearing when Fred died. "Fred handed me a note just before he died," he says. "I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration in it for us all."

Opening the note, he reads aloud, "Help! You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

[Random_oso06]

hahaha omg that pastor is a killer

[The Batman]

Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven. They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, "Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today."
"What?" his father replied.
"When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, 'Jesus, I'm coming, Jesus I'm coming.' If it wasn't for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!"

[charlie w]

a blond, brunette and a red hair woman were on a desert island 10km from shore
the brunette says i'm not going to stay here and die so she swims 1,2,3,4,5km got tired and drowns.
the red hair woman says i'm not going to stay here and die so she swims 5,10,15km got tired and drowns.
the blond says to nobody i'm not going to stay here and die so she swims 5,10,15,19km gets tired and swims back.

[The Batman]

You know when you occasionally have a really bad day* and you just need to take it out on someone* don't take it out on someone you know* take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered* saying 'Hello.'

I politely said* 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear* 'Get the right f *** ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her* I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her* I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone* I yelled* 'You're an asshole!' and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it* and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks* when I was paying bills or had a really bad day* I'd call him up and yell* 'You're an asshole!'
It always cheered me up.

Then Caller ID was introduced* I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop.

So* I called his number and said* 'Hi* this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID program?'

He yelled* 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said* 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up.

One day I was at the store* getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot* but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window* so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later* right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial)* I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole* too. I
said* 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said* 'Yes* it is.' I asked*

'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said* 'Yes* I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd* in Fairfax. It's a yellow duplex* and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked* 'What's your name?'

He said* 'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked* 'When's a good time to catch you* Don?'

He said* 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said* 'Listen* Don* can I tell you something?'

He said* 'Yes?'

I said* 'Don* you're an asshole!'

Then I hung up* and added his number to my speed dial* too. Now* when I had a problem* I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea.

I called asshole #1; he said* 'Hello.'

I said* 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked* 'Are you still there?'

I said* 'Yeah.'

He screamed* 'Stop calling me.'

I said* 'Make me.'

He asked* 'Who are you?'

I said* 'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said* 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said* 'Asshole* I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd* in Fairfax* a yellow duplex* I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said* 'I'm coming over right now* Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said* 'Yeah* like I'm really scared* asshole*' and hung up. Then I called Asshole #2. He said* 'Hello?'

I said* 'Hello* asshole.'

He yelled* 'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said* 'You'll what?'

He exclaimed* 'I'll kick your ass!'

I answered* 'Well* asshole* here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.' Then I hung up and immediately called the police* saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd* in Fairfax* and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six
cop cars* an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.

[Neverender]

Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God's will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied.
The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God's creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. They haven't seen them since.

[Random_oso06]

there was this lawyer in a airplane he sat down then saw this mexican and then he thought i can make a ten bucks easy so he goes to the mexican then he says hey do you want to play a game the mexican says yes the lawyer explain the game the game he said we both ask a question and if i say a question and you don't know then you give me 5 dollars and if i don't know your question then the lawyer say he will give the mexican 500 dollars, so when the game starts and the lawyer says what is the last planet in the solar system and the mexican says i don't know then the mexican gives the man 5 dollars , the mexican starts and says what has three legs when it climbs a mountain and gets four legs coming back , so the lawyer looks in his computer and he find nothing and gives the mexican 500 dollars, the lawyer was confused and says what was it then the mexican gives the lawyer 5 dollars

[Zephyr]

LOL
Good one Esteban :D

[Neverender]

This old man
He's got one
Johnson motor on the bum
Nick tells Pat
"Give thing a wack
This old this won't get us home"
This old man
He's got two
His spare motor is Evinrude
Nick says Pat
"Give the cord a pull"
And the motor joints just come unglued

Well this old man haven't got three
Clues about trouble mechanically
Nick says Pat
"He should get him sparked"
"Don't go says Nick
Can't see in the dark"
This old man
He got four
He got two motors and he got two oars
Nick says Peg
"Get out your oar locks"
But Nick finds out that they got them lost

Well this old man
He's got five
Five old flares
But near one lights
Nick says Pat
"Replace them when you should
And you won't wind up with your flares no good"
This old man
He saved six
Waterproof matches for when he's in the fix
Nick says Pat
"Strike up a light
Tis not that bright in the middle of the night"

Well this old man
He had seven
Inches of hose
Where he needs eleven
Nick says Pat
"Here's what's wrong
The hose is chopped
All gas is gone"
This old man
He had eight
Gallons of gas
But it all escaped
Nick says Pat
"Here's what's wrong
Your hose is chopped
All your gas is gone"

Well this old man
Don't have nine
Lives because he's not feline
When Nick told Pat
To strike up a light
Nick and Pat was blown out of sight
One old man
He went ten
Miles and landed home again
But where is Pat
He's on the other shore
He won't get home
With his Johnson outboard

[Camazotz]

What's the difference between a Ferrari and 20 dead babies?
You won't find a Ferrari in my garage.

What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume!

How do you make a dead baby float?
Take your foot off of it's head.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
When I jump on a trampoline, I take my cleats off.

What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean?
Fucked.

How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles ?
Nail its other hand to the floor.

How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard you throw them.

[Random_oso06]

This old man
He's got one
Johnson motor on the bum
Nick tells Pat
"Give thing a wack
This old this won't get us home"
This old man
He's got two
His spare motor is Evinrude
Nick says Pat
"Give the cord a pull"
And the motor joints just come unglued

Well this old man haven't got three
Clues about trouble mechanically
Nick says Pat
"He should get him sparked"
"Don't go says Nick
Can't see in the dark"
This old man
He got four
He got two motors and he got two oars
Nick says Peg
"Get out your oar locks"
But Nick finds out that they got them lost

Well this old man
He's got five
Five old flares
But near one lights
Nick says Pat
"Replace them when you should
And you won't wind up with your flares no good"
This old man
He saved six
Waterproof matches for when he's in the fix
Nick says Pat
"Strike up a light
Tis not that bright in the middle of the night"

Well this old man
He had seven
Inches of hose
Where he needs eleven
Nick says Pat
"Here's what's wrong
The hose is chopped
All gas is gone"
This old man
He had eight
Gallons of gas
But it all escaped
Nick says Pat
"Here's what's wrong
Your hose is chopped
All your gas is gone"

Well this old man
Don't have nine
Lives because he's not feline
When Nick told Pat
To strike up a light
Nick and Pat was blown out of sight
One old man
He went ten
Miles and landed home again
But where is Pat
He's on the other shore
He won't get home
With his Johnson outboard

ohh i didn't get it at first hahaha funny

[Zephyr]

Slap me if you've heard this before, but I thought it was funny.

Q: What 2 things to farming and prostitution have in common?

A: Both are some of the world's oldest professions and both use hos.

[Gumleaf]

i heard this one at work today. i thought it was great!!!

why does santa claus have such a big sack?
because he only comes once a year!

:P

[Nalani]

lOl. i heard something similar to that one. Only difference is "Why doesn't santa have any children...."

[Galinofied]

Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

[terminoob]

If you've seen the movies "Shrooms" then you'll get this; ok, me and my friend were watching Shrooms, and it was our first time watching it, and we were doing an MST3K thing, we're we make fun of bad movies, anyway, this is what it was.
*5 teens drive in a van into the woods*
My friend-"Ya know, I think they have a dog"
Me-"They have a dog?"
*Teens van hits an animal*
My friend-"Uh, HAD a dog..."
*One teen is talking to her friend, who's name is Pluto*
Me-"Pluto? Looks like they already replaced Scooby..."
It's not funny explained, or planed, really, so if you don't think it's funny, then whatever

[The Batman]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.



"Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?"



"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he howed the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today!"

[Gumleaf]

got this sent to me last night and made me laugh so much lol. you sing it to the tune of "jingle bells".


charging through the snow, in a v8 wonder sled,
crashing through the trees, 'cause i'm off my f**kin head.
been smoking billy's too, i've had beers 'n' more,
i'm heading to the red light zone to get myself a whore

jingle bells, jingle bells, santa's smoking weed
mrs claus is on the floor, she's overdosed on speed.
blitzen's f**ked, the elves are too, they're peaking off their heads &
if rudolph snorts another line the prick'll wind up dead.

[Oblivion]

There was this lawyer in a airplane he sat down then saw this Mexican and then he thought
'I can make a ten bucks easy'
So he goes to the mexican then he says,
"Hey do you want to play a game"
The mexican says yes, and the lawyer explain the game.
"The game is when we both ask a question and if i say a question and you don't know the answer then you give me 5 dollars, and if i don't know the answer to your question then the I will give you 500 dollars"
So when the game starts and the lawyer says
"What is the last planet in the solar system?"
The mexican says i don't know then the mexican gives the man 5 dollars. Then mexican starts and says
"What has three legs when it climbs a mountain and gets four legs coming back?"
So the lawyer looks in his computer and he find nothing and gives the mexican 500 dollars.
The lawyer was confused and asks
"What was it?"


Then the mexican gives the lawyer 5 dollars

Lol honestly Esteban your jokes would be much funnier if I could read them without having to decode them :P

But it was funny once i read it a couple time! :P

[nachtspiegel]

These kind of made me laugh:

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

---

A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.

B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!

C
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.

D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.

H
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.

J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

K
stands for Kill.

L
is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.

L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.

N
stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?

O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.

P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

Q
is for Quitter. She couldn't last.

R
is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.

S
stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.

T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.

U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.

V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.

W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.

X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.

Y
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.

Z
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"

.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.

---

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

---

what women would do if they had a penis for a day
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

---

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

---

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"

---

Those didn't really make me laugh that hard, though.
This one did, however, because I've used it.

"Yo mamma's so fat, when she wears a red dress, the kids in the neighborhood yell, 'Hey, Kool-Aid!'"

[terminoob]

There was a guy who went to a doctor and the doctor said, I've got bad news and worse news, so the guy said what it was. The doctor said the bad news was he had 24 hours to live, so the guy asked what the worse news was. The doctor said I forgot to call you yesterday.

Yo Momma's so stupid, she spent the entire day saying "Am not" to R2!

What do aligators get when they have sex? GatorAIDS!

[Neverender]

the first one is pretty good. the others are just moronic.

[Atonement]

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

[ShatteredWings]

Ive heard that before

still. LOL

[Sugaree]

Teacher: "Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?"

Sam: "I don't know."

Teacher: "Bark, Sam, bark."

Sam: "Bow, wow, wow!"

[Bobby]

That's funny Addi :P

[Requin]

A Policeman pulls a blonde in a sports car over for speeding and is trying to explain to her what and where her driver's license might be. After she eventually gives him her driver's license, he asks for registration.
Getting another blank blonde look from her, he explains, "It's that little piece of paper you get with your car and you keep it in the glove compartment."
"Ah," she says as she bends over to get it.

While she is looking through the glove compartment, the officer unzips his pants and pulls his cock out.
Excited that she had found her registration, she turns around and looks up. A look of dismay crosses her face and she says, "Oh, no! Not another breathalizer test!"

[Sugaree]

A Policeman pulls a blonde in a sports car over for speeding and is trying to explain to her what and where her driver's license might be. After she eventually gives him her driver's license, he asks for registration.
Getting another blank blonde look from her, he explains, "It's that little piece of paper you get with your car and you keep it in the glove compartment."
"Ah," she says as she bends over to get it.

While she is looking through the glove compartment, the officer unzips his pants and pulls his cock out.
Excited that she had found her registration, she turns around and looks up. A look of dismay crosses her face and she says, "Oh, no! Not another breathalizer test!"

I lol'd hard :P

[Neverender]

Simple:

What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else seems to think that they're jokes.

[Sugaree]

So former President Bush is trying to catch a flight back to Texas when his flight is delayed. While waiting for the weather to calm, he sees a man waiting for the same flight. He was dressed in long flowing white robes with a long white beard.

President Bush, being naturally curious, goes up to the man and asks, "Excuse me, are you Moses?". The man gives no answear. President Bush asked the question more and more until he got frustrated and went to one of his security agents.

"Ask that man if he's Moses." says Bush. So, the agent goes over and asks the man if he was Moses. The man in the white beard replies "Of course I am!"

The agent is confused and asks the man about why he didn't tell that to Mr. Bush and Moses replies "Because the last time I talked to a bush I was stuck in the desert for 40 fucking years!"

[Requin]

Ha! I liked that one.

And another blonde joke:

A young blonde woman goes to an office for a job interview . The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 3 seconds before replying "Ehh... 23!".
The interviewer tries another straight forward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot three!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Stephanie".
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"
"Ohh that!" replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'"

[ShatteredWings]

lmao! nicee

[Random_oso06]

OK there is a two guys and the first guy goes and says want to hear a joke so there other guy says sure so the first guy says, what ever i say you say i'm a man ok, to the second guy says ok

first guy: i drink
second guy: i'm a man

first guy: i work
second guy: i'm a man

first guy: i love to build
second guy: says proudly i'm a man

first guy: your wife finally agrees to sleep with you after 20 years of marriage she whispers something in you ear after the sex what does she say
second guy: says this confused, i'm a man?

[Perseus]

OK there is a two guys and the first guy goes and says want to hear a joke so there other guy says sure so the first guy says, what ever i say you say i'm a man ok, to the second guy says ok

first guy: i drink
second guy: i'm a man

first guy: i work
second guy: i'm a man

first guy: i love to build
second guy: says proudly i'm a man

first guy: you wife finally agrees to sleep with you after 20 years of marriage she whispers something in you ear after the sex what does she say
second guy: says this confused, i'm a man?

That'd suck, lol.

[goofball]

this is a very sexcist joke "you've been warned"!
I also have no intenstion of making fun of females, i just found this one funny:D

There's a 747 plummeting towards the ocean, and the stewardess realises she's going to die. So she runs into the cockpit and tears off her blouse, before straddling the Captain.

"Captain!" she says, "Make me feel like a woman one last time!"

He agrees, and tears off his shirt too.

He then hands it to her and says "Iron this for me, would you?"
:D:D:D:D:D

[Sugaree]

So a chipmunk has come out of his winter sleep. While trying to look for his hidden nuts, he runs into a whimpering dog.

The chipmunk, wondering what's wrong, asks the dog "What's wrong buddy?" The dog replies "You don't wanna know." The chipmunk decided to leave the conversation at that, but before he left the dog, he asked "Hey, do you have my nuts?"

The dog replies, "No, I don't have any nuts. The vet cut them off."

[beautiful.bby]

The mom calls the husband a "Bastard".

& then, the dad calls the wife a "Bitch".

& Billy goes to his mom and says "Mom, What's a bitch and a bastard?"

& the mom says "Well, a bitch is a lady and a bastard is a gentlemen."


& then later, Billy goes outside and hears his neighbors, and hears "Put your penis in my vagina!"


So Billy goes to his mom and says "mom whats a penis and vagina?"


His moms says "Well Billy, a penis is a hat and a vagina is a coat"

& then later Billy sees his dad shaving and cuts himself and says "Shit"

& Billy said "Dad, whats shit?"

& then his dad says,
"Well Billy, Shit is a type of Shaving cream "


& then, Billy goes to see his mom cutting the turkey and his mom cuts her finger and says "Fuck!"


and then billy says to his mom "Mom whats fuck?"

"Well Billy, fuck is a way cutting the turkey"


& then later, the guests arrive and Billy goes to them and says . . .


"Hello bitches and bastards, may i take your penis's and vaginas,
my dad's upstairs wiping shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the Turkey"

Haha . . . heard it a while ago.

[Gumleaf]

^i was lmao at that one^

[The Resurrected One]

this is a very sexcist joke "you've been warned"!
I also have no intenstion of making fun of females, i just found this one funny:D

There's a 747 plummeting towards the ocean, and the stewardess realises she's going to die. So she runs into the cockpit and tears off her blouse, before straddling the Captain.

"Captain!" she says, "Make me feel like a woman one last time!"

He agrees, and tears off his shirt too.

He then hands it to her and says "Iron this for me, would you?"
:D:D:D:D:D

lol. :D

I've got a bunch of woman jokes. Ant and I told eachother quite a few several days ago on MSN.

I'd love to tell a few but they might offend.

[Vermillion]

this is a very sexcist joke "you've been warned"!
I also have no intenstion of making fun of females, i just found this one funny:D

There's a 747 plummeting towards the ocean, and the stewardess realises she's going to die. So she runs into the cockpit and tears off her blouse, before straddling the Captain.

"Captain!" she says, "Make me feel like a woman one last time!"

He agrees, and tears off his shirt too.

He then hands it to her and says "Iron this for me, would you?"
:D:D:D:D:D
OMFG! I nearly died laughing at that one! XD

A man runs over his wife in a car, and what does Herashio ask?
"Why was the man driving in the kitchen?"

[The Resurrected One]

lol, there is a slightly different version of that joke I know.

A man driving his car runs over a woman. Who's at fault?

The man. He shouldn't have been driving in the kitchen.

[Vermillion]

Oh man, I got mine from this picture:

http://23.media.tumblr.com/bY0CFPiabcncexgzB954lqRK_400.jpg

I just love how he puts sunglasses over sunglasses, too XD

[AutumnDae]

Haha that's great!

:D I love that show...and those jokes are funny too!

Reminds me of an English assignment we had to do one night. It was reading something and answering questions. One of the questions was "How would you describe the perfect woman?" I put: "Cooks, cleans, does the laundry and doesn't talk back."

[The Resurrected One]

Why did the woman cross the road?



Who cares? What was she doing out of the kitchen?




Why don't women wear watches?


Because there's a clock on the stove.

[AutumnDae]

Am I the only female that actually thinks these jokes are funny?