Jokes and Riddles

[Sugaree]

That's funny :P

I practice piano and I would never have thought of that one

[Maverick]

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/nq/2008/nq080125.gif

[Serenity]

haha I love it!

[angryhalfdemon]

hahaha, so true :P

[Whisper]

http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Rob/coin.jpg

http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Rob/drinkingproblem.jpg

[Sugaree]

lol Kodie. 6 year old with a drinking problem lol

[Whisper]

http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Dave/comicdog1.jpg

[The Resurrected One]

http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Rob/drinkingproblem.jpg

Hahahahaha!!!! :D That was so funny. Poor kid. All that because of a Math question. :P

[Zephyr]

Everybody was surprised one day when this very very old white man married a young beautiful woman. They told the man that he was far too old to have kids.

Come around a year later, they have a child and the nurse says, "Wow! This is really a miracle. You're so old, how do you do it?"

"Well," the old man replied,"You've just got to keep the motor running is all.".

The next year they surprise everybody else again by having their second child, and the nurse ask him again, "A second child for you really is a blessing! What is your secret, how do you do it sir?"

"You've just got to keep the motor running is all." he replies.

The next year, the couple is blessed with a third child, and the nurse says, "Sir, there is no way that a man of your age could have fathered a third child for the third consecutive year!"

"As I've said before, you've just got to keep the motor running." he said, smiling proudly.

"Well," the nurse said, "the motor must be broken down because this child is black."

[angryhalfdemon]

lmfao! niice

[Serenity]

Lol some random things I have saved in some old files:


http://i137.photobucket.com/albums/q235/VReason2003/4muscles.jpg


http://i137.photobucket.com/albums/q235/VReason2003/bob-1.jpg


http://i137.photobucket.com/albums/q235/VReason2003/Bush_-_CuriousGeorge.jpg


http://i137.photobucket.com/albums/q235/VReason2003/musicians.jpg


http://i137.photobucket.com/albums/q235/VReason2003/notresspassers.jpg


http://i137.photobucket.com/albums/q235/VReason2003/shutyoface-1.jpg

[Atonement]

WOW! that musician one and the music one are amazing!! and The one about the musicians is so true! ;)

[The Resurrected One]

Haha :D, about the George Bush one, I saw something like that on the wall in my Grade 9 Science Class last year. :P

[Mycall.]

An old lady was having trouble at an ATM and she asked me to check her balnce for her.
So I pushed her over.


I laughed when I first heard it :)

[Zephyr]

NOTE: Before you read this and get the wrong idea, it's not aimed at the genetically unfortunate, it's aimed at people you hate.

I made this song up in my head one day when the short bus passed me on the highway and one of my friends was complaining about her stalker ex boyfriend.

Title: The Short Bus Song (to the 'Backpack' tune on Dora The Explorer)

Short Bus, Short Bus,
Short Bus, Short Bus,
I'm the short bus, loaded up with tards and dumb-dumbs too.
Anyone that you might hate, I've got inside for you.
Short Bus, Short Bus,
Short Bus, Short Bus,
Yeah!

[Kaleidoscope Eyes]

Most people have heard these, but my dad tells them all the time and they never seem to get old for me:

A family of tomatoes are walking down the street. Baby Tomato has short legs so he keeps lagging behind, and finally Daddy Tomato gets fed up with him. Daddy Tomato walks back there, stomps on Baby Tomato and says, "Catch up!"

Did you hear about that crazy cow at the cheese factory? He tried to escape by jumping over a barbed wire fence. It was "utter" destruction.

My friend Daisy used to work at a juice factory, but she got fired because she couldn't concentrate.

So this blonde is at the airport and somehow ends up walking down the runway. She walks backward into a small plane that's just landed, propellers still moving. Disaster. (You may have to think about that one a bit, I did when I first heard it. The key is "disaster". Say it out loud if you have to with the image of the blonde walking backwards in your head)

[Serenity]

So this blonde is at the airport and somehow ends up walking down the runway. She walks backward into a small plane that's just landed, propellers still moving. Disaster. (You may have to think about that one a bit, I did when I first heard it. The key is "disaster". Say it out loud if you have to with the image of the blonde walking backwards in your head)

HAHA!

What's brown and sticky?






A stick!

[Sugaree]

OMFG JESSI! You have no idea how hard I'm laughing :lol3:

[The Batman]

Tic Tac toe
Three in a row
Barney got shot by a G.I. Joe
Momma called the doctor and the doctor said
Whoop Barney's dead

[juliocesarchavezthe4th]

I always lie and i can never tell the truth. am i lying or speaking the truth

Pm with the answer =p

[The Batman]

A man stands before a judge after being found guilty of robbery the judge tells him "You have one last statement to make if you tell the truth you get 6 years in prison but if you lie you get 12 years in prison." The man makes his statement and judge lets him go with no jail time. What did he say? pm me with the right answer

[Sugaree]

From the Jeff Dunham Spark of Insanity act from 2007 :D

Jeff- "Do you know any other superheros?"

Melvin- "Yes."

Jeff- "Do you know Aquaman?"

Melvin- "You like him?"

Jeff- "He can breath under water and talk to fish"

Melvin- "Interesting he has all the same powers as Spongebob"

Later in the act

Jeff- "What about the Flash? He can go super fast"

Melvin- *scoffs* "He has no powers! He's on meth!"

[Whisper]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to The pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, ''I would like to
buy some cyanide.'' The pharmacist asked, ''Why in the world do you need
cyanide?''
The lady replied, ''I need it to poison my husband.'' The pharmacist's
eyes got big and he exclaimed, ''Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill
your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not!
You CANNOT have any cyanide!''
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, ''Well now, that's
different.
You didn't tell me you had a prescription.''

[Serenity]

lmaooooo

NICE

[Maverick]

http://img165.imageshack.us/img165/6936/cpch1.gif

[Serenity]

hahahahaha LOVE it

[Gumleaf]

fantastic cody. loving it!!!

[Serenity]

Two teens had been lovers for a few weeks, but the boy was
always after the girl to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up
after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit."

She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good
cigarette after sex."

He replied, "But they stunt your growth." She asked if he ever
smoked, and he replied that he had never.

Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's
your excuse then?"

[Maverick]

Haha good one :P

[Sugaree]

Tree Hugger

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly pressed against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?'

'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.

'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'

'No, would you like to give it a try?'

Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK... 'So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you?'

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind his ear and said 'Well this just ain't your day cupcake.'

10 REASONS BEER SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK

1. Its an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell Management what they think, not what Management wants to hear.
5. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
6. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
7. Bosses are most likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
8. Employees work longer since there is no longer a need to relax at a bar.
9. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
10. Sitting on the copier will no longer be seen as "gross".

[NextToNormal]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED...

10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".

9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

8. The cat is on Valium.

7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.

5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.

1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TOP TEN WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS...

10. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

9. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet

8. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

7. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

6. You're using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT."

5. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

4. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

3. You're counting down the days until menopause.

2. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

1. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.


TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX.....

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you so me.

6. It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

5. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the morning after.

1. You can do the whole neighborhood.

[Atonement]

is it bad if about 6 of those stressed out family things apply to me? lol

[robbiehay1]

roflmfao

[Kimiko]

So this blonde is at the airport and somehow ends up walking down the runway. She walks backward into a small plane that's just landed, propellers still moving. Disaster. (You may have to think about that one a bit, I did when I first heard it. The key is "disaster". Say it out loud if you have to with the image of the blonde walking backwards in your head)

I dont understand this,can anyone explain?


NEWS REPORT
15 workers dead in juice factory,said to have been caused by an "explosion of flavor"made by mixing apple and cranberry.

[Kaleidoscope Eyes]

Ok, disaster. "Dis-assed-her".

[RaisingSand]

*was smart enough to figure that one out* :P Play on words, nice lol. :P

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING JOKE IS RACIST, AND INVOLVES ASIANS. But it's okay, I can say it, cause it was actually told me by and Asian, who thought it was hysterical.

Q: How do you know your house has been burgled by Asians?

A: Your cat's been eaten, your homework's been done and they're still trying to back out of the driveway.

[Kaleidoscope Eyes]

Hah, I couldn't help but laugh at that, mostly because I have an Asian friend whose mom is a terrible driver. I was imagining her family doing the burgling, and as the mom can't get the car back into the road, my friend is sitting in the passenger seat all like, "Oh my god, mom, could you be any worse of a driver?" xD

[Sugaree]

Q: Why do blondes wear ponytails?
A: To hide the valve stem!

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.

Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air.

Imitation of a blonde refuelling..
(Flap hand, blowing air into ears)

Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool?
A: Air Pockets

[japanman]

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.

and another


Mounted Cop http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.
''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''
''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''
The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.'' To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop. The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''

some more

Blonde in a Boat. http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight.

The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”

[Sugaree]

Why can't blonds count to 70?

Because 69 is already a mouthful :P

[Serenity]

Oooooooooh!

[Sugaree]

Yup crashing and burning :P

[japanman]

lo nice one :P

[Aηdy]

I found this quite funny lol...

http://i260.photobucket.com/albums/ii30/LovelyLadyLumps365/myspace.jpg

[Serenity]

http://i137.photobucket.com/albums/q235/VReason2003/spy.jpg

[Mzor203]

Lol, I wonder which one that could be!

[The Batman]

seriously which one is it

[theOperaGhost]

The seven dwarves went to the Vatican and when the Pope aswered the door, Dopey stepped forward: "Your Excellency," he said. "I wonder if you could tell me if there are any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
"No Dopey, there aren't," the Pope replied.
Behind Dopey, the six dwarves started to titter.
"Well, are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?" Dopey persisted
"No, none in Italy," the Pope answered a little more sternly.
A few of the dwarves now began to laugh more openly.
"Well, are there any dwarf nuns in Europe?"
This time the Pope was much more firm. "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
By this point, all the dwarves were laughing aloud and rolling around the ground.
"Pope," Dopey demanded. "Are there any dwarf nuns in the whole world?"
"No Dopey," the Pope snapped. "There are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
Whereupon the six dwarves started jumping up and down chanting, "Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!"

yeah so I got this from a book and I just thought it was frickin hilarious.

[japanman]

http://i137.photobucket.com/albums/q235/VReason2003/spy.jpg
awwww look at the wittle cats wait theres a spie hmm ahhh a dog get him out lol they are so cute look at the chiwawa its a cute little puppy aww and the fat cat looks ute too but those two ohter cats are skinney there fore i dont like them hmf i only like the cute chiwaw and the cute fat cat

The seven dwarves went to the Vatican and when the Pope aswered the door, Dopey stepped forward: "Your Excellency," he said. "I wonder if you could tell me if there are any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
"No Dopey, there aren't," the Pope replied.
Behind Dopey, the six dwarves started to titter.
"Well, are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?" Dopey persisted
"No, none in Italy," the Pope answered a little more sternly.
A few of the dwarves now began to laugh more openly.
"Well, are there any dwarf nuns in Europe?"
This time the Pope was much more firm. "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
By this point, all the dwarves were laughing aloud and rolling around the ground.
"Pope," Dopey demanded. "Are there any dwarf nuns in the whole world?"
"No Dopey," the Pope snapped. "There are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
Whereupon the six dwarves started jumping up and down chanting, "Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!"

yeah so I got this from a book and I just thought it was frickin hilarious.

rofl dopey fucked a penguin lol thats a good one

[Mzor203]

I have one.


There was a class of kindergarteners having class one day, and they were playing a game where the teacher would hold up a picture of an animal and the kids would shout out what it was. So the teacher held up a picture of a cat.
"What animal is this?" she asked the class.
"Oh," said one of the kids, "It's a cat."
"Good," said the teacher, and then she held up a picture of a dog. "What animal is this?"
"That's a dog!" yelled out one of the kids.
"Okay, what's this one?" The teacher said, holding up a picture of a deer.
Everyone in the class was silent.
"No one knows what this is?" the teacher asked. They all shook their heads.
"Okay, I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's what your mom calls your dad."
"Oh, I know," said one of the kids. "It's a horny bastard!"

[Underground_Network]

^^ Lmao

[Sugaree]

lol @ that Mzor xD

[Maverick]

http://cagle.msnbc.com/working/080325/bagley.jpg

[Sugaree]

:lol3:

[japanman]

I have one.


There was a class of kindergarteners having class one day, and they were playing a game where the teacher would hold up a picture of an animal and the kids would shout out what it was. So the teacher held up a picture of a cat.
"What animal is this?" she asked the class.
"Oh," said one of the kids, "It's a cat."
"Good," said the teacher, and then she held up a picture of a dog. "What animal is this?"
"That's a dog!" yelled out one of the kids.
"Okay, what's this one?" The teacher said, holding up a picture of a deer.
Everyone in the class was silent.
"No one knows what this is?" the teacher asked. They all shook their heads.
"Okay, I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's what your mom calls your dad."
"Oh, I know," said one of the kids. "It's a horny bastard!"
http://i193.photobucket.com/albums/z207/rainbow16_photos/th36_12_6.gif
Good one

[Mzor203]

http://cagle.msnbc.com/working/080325/bagley.jpg

I don't get it. I'm just feeling slow today, I have analyzed what is happening in the picture, but I'm not seeing the humor.

[Maverick]

I don't get it. I'm just feeling slow today, I have analyzed what is happening in the picture, but I'm not seeing the humor.Basically, right now in America there's a financial crisis, especially in the housing market. Our Central Bank (called The Fed) is putting their focus on helping all the rich people in Wall Street and bankers rather than the average people.

So the cartoon shows The Fed rescuing all the rich people in Wall Street while leaving all the average citizens to 'drown.'

[Sugaree]

Yeah I didn't get it at first, but then I noticed what it really was and finally got it xD

[The Batman]

I was on facebook and someone sent me this delightful letter.

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I''m writing to you today, the 26th of December.
Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform.

I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school.

I''m not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.

What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks. What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you''ve taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree.

As if you hadn''t fucked me enough, you gave that little bitch across the street so many toys that he can''t even walk into his house.

Please don''t let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I''ll fuck you up. I''ll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you''ll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that fucking bike.

FUCK YOU SANTA.

Next year you''ll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF- A-BITCH.

Sincerely,

Little Johnny

[The Resurrected One]

Sincerely,

Little Johnny

For those suspicious, no, it was not me. lol

[Whisper]

ummm...lol interesting

merged

[Close102]

pretty fukin funny

[Sugaree]

Sincerely,

Little Johnny

It wasn't me

We all have our doubts xD

Good one Thomas :D

[iJack]

FUCK YOU SANTA.

Next year you''ll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF- A-BITCH.

Sincerely,

Little Johnny

Er...Poor Santa

[japanman]

I was on facebook and someone sent me this delightful letter.

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I''m writing to you today, the 26th of December.
Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform.

I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school.

I''m not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.

What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks. What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you''ve taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree.

As if you hadn''t fucked me enough, you gave that little bitch across the street so many toys that he can''t even walk into his house.

Please don''t let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I''ll fuck you up. I''ll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you''ll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that fucking bike.

FUCK YOU SANTA.

Next year you''ll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF- A-BITCH.

Sincerely,

Little Johnny
lmao nice one :lol:

[iJack]

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, "Hey,
Pop! What are you doin'?"
His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank."
Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that
gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning."


A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's
no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and
once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of
the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him
to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts
cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the
guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."


Thats all i got!

[Antares]

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, "Hey,
Pop! What are you doin'?"
His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank."
Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that
gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning."


A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's
no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and
once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of
the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him
to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts
cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the
guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."


Thats all i got!
HAHA! Thats hilarious! :lol:

[iJack]

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and
his front bumper smashed. There's no sign of the offending vehicle,
but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield
wiper. The lawyer picks up the note.

"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the
accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving
my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not."

Two priests are off to the showers late one night.
They undress and step in the showers before they
realize there is no soap. Father John says he has
some soap in his room and goes to get it, not
bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in
his hands and heads back to the showers. He gets
halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns
heading his way. Having no place to hide, he
stands against the wall and freezes like he's a
statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his
dick. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look," says the 2nd nun... "A soap dispenser."
To test her theory she also pulls his dick...and
sure enough he drops the last bar of soap. The
third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and
three times. Still nothing happens. So she tries
once more and to her delight she yells...
"Look, hand cream!"


Two blondes are passing by a fruit shop when the grocer calls to
them, "Bananas! 50 cents each or three for a dollar!"

The girls stop and look at each other. "Well I suppose we could always
eat the third one!"


What was the first thing Adam said to Eve ?

"Stand back .... I don't know how big this thing is going to grow !"


My penis made me locally famous. I didn't find out about it until I got to
the University. Before then my experience with women was non-existent. I'd
been at a boys' school, and anyway I was pretty spotty. I couldn't believe
when, all of a sudden, at the Freshman Ball, I was snuggling. I was even
more amazed when we were in her room. We were both wasted. I didn't have a
clue how to behave, I was terrified, but she knew what to do and in no
time we were naked, in bed. She was kissing my mouth. My neck. My chest,
my stomach, my....

-- She stopped.

"Oh my goodness!" she said, incredulous, "Your cock tastes just like
CHOCOLATE!"

Melanie (her name) wasn't a shy girl. She must have told her friend Suzy.
I realized this the next day when a very attractive girl, with hip clothes
and trainers, approached me in the Union Bar and just started chatting.
This had NEVER happened to me before. She asked me if I wanted to hear a
new CD she'd bought, and then we were in her room. Halfway through the
second track we were naked. She'd hardly even kissed me before her face
disappeared under the duvet.

"It does!", she exclaimed suddenly. "It bloody well DOES!!"

Two weeks into college I was still a virgin. I had, however, received
twenty three blowjobs from twelve different girls and heard words such as
'incredible', 'amazing', `Bournville', 'Swiss' and 'Belgian' exclaimed by
mops of hair beneath my bedclothes. I had also been requested to immerse
myself in a glass of milk and move vigorously to see if any of the flavor
rubbed off. It didn't.

I went to the Doctor. She didn't believe me. Nor did she try it out, which
I thought shockingly unscientific. But she did see the state I was in and
gave me a salve.

Okay, so I'll admit it. For the first year it was great. I could have
loads of women, any time I wanted. I got cunning and made them sleep with
me first. I got fussy. All the guys on campus were jealous. People who
didn't know me looked wide eyed to see one or more stunning girls on the
arm of a spotty, pale youth, with lank dark hair and glasses. "What's he
got?", they seemed to ask themselves.
When the second year came I got really tired of it. There was a whole new
year of girls who wanted to try me out. I felt like an object. A specimen.
And there was something missing from my life, a yearning. I tried to have
conversations with girls, in the coffee bar say, but all the time their
eyes would be flicking to my crotch. Their tongues would run over their
lips, their eyes would glaze over. I would make a hasty excuse and leave.
It was about this time I began to get really upset about it. Everyone had
started calling me Hob Nob.

When I say "everyone", it's not quite true: Some people called me Willy
Wonka.

Hey, it is NOT funny! I was a person! I was more than a sexual organ that
just happened to be flavored like confectionery. Everyone stared at me.
All the girls laughed when they saw me. I overheard them talking about me.
About it! I think I had a bit of a breakdown, I couldn't take it. All
through my third year I stayed in. I saw no one.

I had given up on my little University world. Everyone knew everything.
Because I didn't have anything to do I studied all the time. I did well
and then I went to New York, Columbia, for a Masters. I took a deep breath
of fresh air. Fantastic!

It was great! Nobody knew me! If it hadn't been for the lousy beer it
would have been perfect. I met Laurie a few months later and we started to
go out.
I'd seen her around in the cafeteria on campus, but it was only when I
heard her give a paper on radical feminism that I really noticed her. She
wrote about the politics of oral sex. She stood at the lectern in black
jeans, white tee shirt, her hair tied back severely, her little fists
clenching to emphasize a point.

"Oral sex", she had concluded, "is degrading. The worship of the phallus
only serves to enforce the enslavement of women. No woman should ever do
it, and I certainly won't do it ever again. Ever. Thank you."

She stepped down from the platform to rapturous applause from a room
mainly filled by women. I was enraptured, entranced. I had to get to know
her.

Well, eventually we got it together. Having no chocolate penis to rely on,
I had to be myself and for a long time she wasn't interested. But then it
all happened. Nights discussing politics, poetry, walks in the park, old
Cocteau movies. Love, smooth and slow, calm as an angel. About a year
after we met, she was lying in my bed, naked, her black hair blooming like
an impossible rose against my sheets, her flawless skin almost as white as
they were. I was so happy. I started to kiss her, to cover her with
kisses. I wanted to adore her, to make her feel better than anything;
sighs escaped her like wind from a wood across a wheat field...

"No!" she said.

She took me by the scruff of the neck. "Not there!"

I stopped.

"Why not?", I asked.

"I knew it", she said firmly. "I won't do it to you in return. I won't.
Not..."

"I know," I assured her. "I *want* to do it to you. But I don't want you
to do it to me, ever."

"You will", she said, "You will! I knew this would happen..."

I didn't listen to her. I knew. There was no way I'd let her even if she
wanted to. Never. I covered the insides of her thighs with my face and
rested my hands on the tops of her legs. I pushed them apart slightly. She
resisted a little but then she opened her legs wider and I --

I lifted my head up.

"Guinness!" I cried, "Guinness!!"

more coming soon! :woot:

[Sugaree]

lol the priest one was funny

[iJack]

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty
girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress.
How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face,
the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then
held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old
man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

[Sugaree]

:lol3:

[Antares]

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty
girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress.
How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face,
the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then
held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old
man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
Haha! Nice:lol:
Payment before Delivery...

[iJack]

In the Sex Ed class the teacher says, "All right, class, I want you to go
home and come back tomorrow with as many positions as you can think of for
making sex."
The next day she says to Little Johnny in the back, "Well, John, how many
positions did you come up with?"
Johnny says, "Seventy-three."
The teacher says, "Oh, my goodness...uh...very good, John, very good..."
She calls on Becky in the front and says, "All right, Becky, how about
you?"
Becky says, "Gee, teacher, I only came up with one...where the guy just
lays on top of the girl."
Johnny yells, "Seventy-four."


As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual,
"And what would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a
minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"


Chain Letter Type III

Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is
absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as
many little 8 year olds writing chain letters. So this is how it works. Pass
this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will
happen to you like:

Queer Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently
received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the
side walk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of
poop, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty,
she died. This Could Happen To You!!!

Queer Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it
. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some
people swing that way, especially at Oklahoma City University). They both
died and went to hell. They continued to suffer in hell where they were both
cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To
You!!!

Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this letter
to all of your loser friends, and everything will be Ok.

Of course, there's the guy in Peoria Illinois who DID forward this on and
then he married his secret crush, they moved to the suburbs, had 2.3
children and lived happily ever after.

Right up until he started working late every night, started an affair with
his secretary and boozing. Then she started sleeping with the golf pro at
the local country club, became addicted to sleeping pills and their 2.3
children got into gangs and drugs. Then everything went to hell, and they
got divorced. She got the house and the kids, and he got the car and child
support payment, and got to keep the mortgage payment, lost his job and his
car and now is working the midnight shift at the local McDonald's.


A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. When he arrives home, he tells
his wife about the purchase he's just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors," he explains, "gold, silver and bronze."
"So what color are you gonna wear tonight?" she asks with a grin.
"Gold of course," says the proud man.
The wife responds, "Why don't you wear silver -- it would be nice
if you came second for a change!"

[Sugaree]

lol the sex ed one xD

[JustAGirl]

In the Sex Ed class the teacher says, "All right, class, I want you to go
home and come back tomorrow with as many positions as you can think of for
making sex."
The next day she says to Little Johnny in the back, "Well, John, how many
positions did you come up with?"
Johnny says, "Seventy-three."
The teacher says, "Oh, my goodness...uh...very good, John, very good..."
She calls on Becky in the front and says, "All right, Becky, how about
you?"
Becky says, "Gee, teacher, I only came up with one...where the guy just
lays on top of the girl."
Johnny yells, "Seventy-four."



:lol:

[iJack]

Department of the Treasury
Internal Revenue Service
Washington, D.C.
To: All Male Taxpayers
RE: Notice of increase of tax payment
Form 1040 - P
The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is your penis. This is
due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging
around unemployed, 30% of the time it is pissed off, 20% of the time
it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole.
On top of this, it has two dependents and both are nuts.
Accordingly, as of April 1, 1998, your penis will be taxed according
to size. To determine your category, please consult
the chart below and confirm this informatin on page 2, section 7, line
3, on the Standard Form 1040.
10-16 inches Luxury Tax $50.00
8-10 inches Pole Tax $30.00
5-8 inches Privilege Tax $15.00
4-5 inches Nuisance Tax $5.00
Please note: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund. Please
do not ask for an extension!!!!!!
Additionally, males exceeding 12 inches must file under Capital Gains.
Sincerely,
Peter Checker
Internal Revenue Service


Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (or maybe it was Neil
McNell from Barra, but anyway..) went to study at an English
university and was living in the hall of residence with all the
other students there. After he had been there a month, his
mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of
tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she
asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The
one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't
stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all
night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful
noisy English neighbours?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here
quietly, playing my bagpipes."


Two men are discussing the age old question: who enjoys sex more, the man
or the woman? A woman walks by and listens in for awhile and then
interrupts:
"Listen you guys. You know when your ear itches and you put in your little
finger and wiggle it around for awhile? Afterward, which feels better,
your finger or your ear?"


The huge black dude was getting ready for the electric chair -
he had been found guilty of rape and murder. The witnesses to
the execution were astonished when the prisoner's pant leg was
cut and a tiny electrode was prepared to be placed on his penis.
"Hey don't look so surprised" the condemned man said.
"Yours would shrink and shrivel up too it you were about to be zapped!"


The Italian colonel had his brigade arrayed in full parade dress, proudly
ready for inspection by the general. That worthy warrior strolled back and
forth before the troops, and sniffed and stopped abruptly. "Colonel!" he
spat out. "Yes, general!" the colonel quavered. "Your troops, your
troops," stormed the general. "They look very nice, they stand very nice,
but they stink, man, they stink! Can't you get them to change their
underwear?"
He strode away furiously. The colonel sniffed for himself. "The general,
yes, he's right. Now, Luigi change with Guiseppi, Carlo change with
Giovanni..."


At a government affair, the wives of four world
leaders are chatting about how people refer to a
penis in their countries.

The wife of Tony Blair says in England people
call it a gentleman, because it stands up when
women are entering.

The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call
it a patriot, because you never know if it will
hit you on the front or on the back side.

The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a
curtain, because it goes down after the act.

With great resignation, the wife of Clinton says
in the USA you call it a rumor, because it
goes from mouth to mouth...


more coming soon!

[The Batman]

You know alot of sex jokes

[iJack]

You know alot of sex jokes

HeHe

[iJack]

How To Give Your Cat a Pill


1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbows, just as
if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice
kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left
hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its
mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse
to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in
bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso
over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's
mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in -- quickly. Since
your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're
doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here, anyway? Retrieve cat
and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here,
anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and ... Ooooops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing
claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on
floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to
flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man -- or
woman.
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth
at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.

[RaisingSand]

How To Give Your Cat a Pill


1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbows, just as
if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice
kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left
hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its
mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse
to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in
bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso
over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's
mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in -- quickly. Since
your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're
doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here, anyway? Retrieve cat
and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here,
anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and ... Ooooops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing
claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on
floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to
flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man -- or
woman.
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth
at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.

BRILLIANT!!!!! XD I cried, lol. :P

[Techno Monster]

How long do a pony's legs need to be?

Long enough to touch da floor

so corny i know.

[iJack]

How long do a pony's legs need to be?

Long enough to touch da floor

so corny i know.

its not corny!:lol:

[Camazotz]

Why do girls spend so much money on clothes, when they look better without them?

[Underground_Network]

^^ Damn. :lol3:

... Still laughing

Its so true. So true... :)

[AutumnDae]

Why do girls spend so much money on clothes, when they look better without them?


Ha. That was kind of offending. But still hilarious.

[Sugaree]

So a man goes to a doctor and the doc says "Ok I got bad news and worse news"

The guy says "What's the worse news?"

"You got 24 hours to live"

"What's the bad news?!"

"I forgot to call you yesterday"

So he goes home to his wife and tells her what the doc told him and he said "I want to have sex with you as many times as I can before I die."

So they do it once, twice, three, four, five times.

Then at about 4:30 AM in the morning the guy leans over and says "I want to make love to you one last time"

The wife, being pissed at him, says "That's easy for you to say Jerry! You don't have to get up in the morning!"

[Random_oso06]

this father goes to the hospital and he sees his wife with his son and the father said sorry i didn't see my son get born the wife said it's all right even if you come it still would have been the same thing
then their mail man comes and says sorry honey bun then sees her husben and says sorry there weren't any honey buns in the cafeteria and the father said what are you doing here mail man you sure didn't deliver this package they all laugh
10 years later the family moved and the father said to the wife and says are son looks alot like are old mail man

[Sugaree]

^^ I lol'd

[Oblivion]

*A man walks into the doctors office*
"Doctor, Doctor! There's a red ring around my penis!"
"Ahh, ok i see, i have just the cure!"
*Doctor pulls something out*
"All better! Thanks Doc! What was that stuff?"
"Lipstick remover :)"

[Zephyr]

Q: You are riding a horse full speed. A giraffe is beside you, an elephant is in front of you and a lion is behind you. What do you do?

A: Get your drunk ass off of the carousel you retard.

[Sugaree]

A plane is about to crash. A virgin asks, " Can anyone make me feel like a woman before I die?"

A man removes all of his clothes and says, "Here, Iron these!"

[Jaden]

I have a bed but do not sleep, i have a mouth but do not eat, what am i?

[Zephyr]

I have a bed but do not sleep, i have a mouth but do not eat, what am i?


A River!

[Jaden]

Ha! wrong, an anorexic insomniac.

[Aηdy]

Steph's answer was more intelegent though!

[Jaden]

Fiiiiiine, she was riiight, are you happy now? are you?! ARE YOU?!?!?!

[Sugaree]

Once a long time ago there was a captain at high sea.

One day there was an enemy battle ship and from the crow's nest that caller said "Enemy ship on the horizon!" So the captain said "Bring me my red shirt"

So after the battle the caller asks the captain why he always wears his red shirt during battle and he says "So that if I was shot that the crew won't see me bleeding and that they would continue to battle."

The next morning the caller says "20 enemy ships on the horizon captain!"

Then the captain said "Bring me my brown pants"

[The Batman]

lol that's funny

A man meets a pirate in bar. The pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

"How did you get the peg-leg?" the man asks.

"We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks and a shark bit me leg off," replies the pirate.

"Wow! What about your hook?" the man asks.

"We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of them cut off my hand," replies the pirate.

"Incredible! What happened to your eye?" asks the man.

"I was on me ship, beautiful day, I looked up and a seagull pooped in me eye," replies the pirate.

"You lost your eye because a seagull pooped in it?" the man asks, incredulously.

The pirate shrugged. "Yeah, it was me first day with the hook."

[kitkat92]

Lol my dad told me that ^^
Wot do u call a clever blonde?
A labrador

[george]

A plane is about to crash. A virgin asks, " Can anyone make me feel like a woman before I die?"

A man removes all of his clothes and says, "Here, Iron these!"
Once a long time ago there was a captain at high sea.

One day there was an enemy battle ship and from the crow's nest that caller said "Enemy ship on the horizon!" So the captain said "Bring me my red shirt"

So after the battle the caller asks the captain why he always wears his red shirt during battle and he says "So that if I was shot that the crew won't see me bleeding and that they would continue to battle."

The next morning the caller says "20 enemy ships on the horizon captain!"

Then the captain said "Bring me my brown pants"
Lol those 2 are the funniest :yes:

[Sugaree]

Lol my dad told me that ^^
Wot do u call a clever blonde?
A labrador

What happens when one blond blows air into another blonds ear?

Data Transfer ;)

[george]

What? lol i don't get it O.O

[Underground_Network]

The only "data" in the blonde's head is air.. i.e. the blond has no brain, she's an "airhead"...

[kitkat92]

How do u make a blonde laugth on a friday?
Tell her a joke on monday.

[Sugaree]

What does a blond say when you fill her head with air?

"Thanks for the top off!"

[Gumleaf]

i heard this joke in church today from the preacher. it was so bad i laughed.

there were 2 pastors in the middle of a road holding signs that said "the end is near, turn back!" one driver got rather annoyed that the pastors were holding up these signs and pulled up next to them and said "stop preaching your crap to me!" he then drove off past them. all of a sudden there was huge screech of tyres and a splash. then one pastor turned to the other and said "i told you we should have simply put bridge closed, turn back."

[Sugaree]

This guy goes to a super market and goes to isle 12 and asks for a box of condoms.

The lady askes "what size" and the guy says "I don't know" so the lady askes him to pull down his pants.

The lady tugs a few times and says "you need a box of x-large condoms".

So this guy hears behind him and he asks for a box of condom's, and the lady says "what size" and the guy says I don't know.

So the lady asks him to pull down his pants.

The lady tugs a few time and says "get a box of medium condoms"

So this teenager in isle 11 hears and wants some of the action.

So he goes to isle 12 and asks "can I have a box of condoms"

The lady asks "what size" and the teenage says "I don't know"

So the lady asks him to pull down his pants .

When he does, the lady tugs a few times, stands up and announces "Clean up in isle 12"

[The Batman]

A man and his wife are at a flea market one day and they decide to buy a mirror that the seller said was magical. They hang the mirror on the bathroom door and go on about their business. The husband loved his wife but he always teases her about her breast size by calling her flat chest and other mean things, so one day the wife goes to the mirror in the bathroom and says, "Mirror, mirror on the door make me a size 44," and her breasts grew. Surprised, she went to her husband and showed him and he asked her where did she get them. She told him about the mirror and he went in and said, "Mirror, mirror on the door make my johnson touch the floor," and his legs fell off.

The moral of the story is to be careful what you wish for.

[MoveAlong]

chocolate easter bunnies:

http://img165.imageshack.us/img165/784/1961ua4.jpg

[Malcolm Tucker]

Miss America saw a sign saying "Wet Floor", and she did.

[Random_oso06]

i heard this joke in church today from the preacher. it was so bad i laughed.

there were 2 pastors in the middle of a road holding signs that said "the end is near, turn back!" one driver got rather annoyed that the pastors were holding up these signs and pulled up next to them and said "stop preaching your crap to me!" he then drove off past them. all of a sudden there was huge screech of tyres and a splash. then one pastor turned to the other and said "i told you we should have simply put bridge closed, turn back."

lol funny

well i got this joke from a text

i loved sucking on it


it was so long



it tasted so good


i love i licking it



i loved playing with it



i loved it when it was wet










damn i wish i didn't drop my ice cream pop:D

though bad didn't you
well thats all of the text =p

[Sugaree]

A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.

The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad."

The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza."

The penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up"

[Sugaree]

What do you call a Robot's erection? Roboner

[kitkat92]

She lay on the earth in the meadow, her naked form basking in the pale morning light. She felt content, feeling the cold droplets of dew on the grass chilling her warm skin. She took a moment to admire her nude body, the voluptuous curves that would drive any male mad glowing in the sun. Glad to be rid of her coverings as a cool breeze rippled across her body raising goosebumps. She gazed over at him, a handsome man, the farmers younger son. It had been her first time, and she had trembled with anxious anticipation as he reached out his calloused hands to her body. She recalled his eager hands, seemingly filled with the inexperience and vigour of youth take hold of her in a confident and well practised manner. She had relaxed, realising he knew how to handle her body. He had been slow, gentle and patient and she had enjoyed every minute of it.

Molly the sheep couldnt wait til next shearing season

[Rutherford The Brave]

I just wanted to know was this joke told

So theres a cock and a cat at a pond. The cock spots a worm inching away in front of the water. So He fluffs his feathers and jump ands catches the worm. After that catch the cock was happy and went to sit under the tree. The cat figured "hell if he can do it I can" So he spots a mouse scurring near the water. So he raises his tail and pounces only to miss the mouse entirely and end up in the pond. Moral of the story? Where theres a satasfied cock theres a wet pussy

[Ryandel]

A man walked into a tattoo parlor, he then asked the tattoo artist that he wants a tattoo of a 20 dollar bill.
The artist said, "Well, where do you want that tattoo?"
He then replied, "On my penis."
"On your penis!! Why would you want it there?" The artist replied baffled
"Well it's simple really. So I can watch my money grow." He replied hapily.

[Gumleaf]

my sister just told me this one:

person a: did you hear about the hollywood actress that got stabbed?

person b: no!

person a: oh, it was reece, reece ummm

person b: witherspoon

person a: no, it was with a knife!

[kitkat92]

BLONDE ON A BUS

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. the brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... 'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!?!'

Blonde LOGIC

Two blondes living in Townsville were sitting on a bench talking and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away, Melbourne or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can
You see Melbourne ...?????"


CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"


SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"


RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts,
"How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."


AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"


BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The
Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the
Sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said
The Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"


BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

BLONDE SWIMIMNG

There once was a red head, a brunette, and a blond. All three of them were stuck on an island and the only way to safety was to swim. The red head went first, she same half the way to safety and drowned. The brunette also swam half way and drowned. The blond, was all by herself so she thought she'd have a go to try and make it to safety. Although she couldn't swim, she tried.

She swam three quarters of the way to safety, but she got tired, so she swam back.....

BLONDE MAIL

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'
To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'
(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)




"My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

BLONDE PAINTING

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[The Resurrected One]

lol, those are great! :D

[kitkat92]

I love blonde jokes =)

Why are blondes only allowed 30 minute lunch breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour.

What does a blonde say after her doctor tells her that she's pregnant.
Is it mine?

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday?
Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicapped spots.

What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde?
There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.

What is it called when a blonde dyes her hair brown?
Artificial Intelligence!!

What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch? A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes

Golf Balls
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to of all people a beautiful, you guessed it, blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
Never-the-less, the blonde continued to look at him thought-fully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"


Parked Car
Norman and his blonde wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must par-" then the electric power goes out.
Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Jumpers
A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building.
Suddenly, the officer notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks, "Why did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?"
The blonde answers in a very weak voice, "We wanted to try out our new maxi-pads, with wings..."

Dummy
A ventriloquist is touring clubs in Florida. With his dummy on his knees, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the audience stands on her chair and shouts, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and from reaching our full potential!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist starts to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little [email protected] sitting on your knee!"

[DaretoFallup]

rofl, i love the blonde jokes :D

[kitkat92]

I have more...

Eye Exam
The blonde sits down before the eye doctor explaining she's losing her sight. He sets up the eye chart, but she tells him she can't even see it.
"Well, he asks, "can you count the number of diplomas on the wall?"
"No," she responds, "too blurry."
So he unzips his fly and pulls out his pecker and asks, "can you see this?"
"Yes," she replies, "that's your penis!"
"I knew it," says the Doc, "you're cockeyed!"

51 Days
Five blonde women enter a bar and order a bottle of champagne and ten glasses from the bartender. They go and occupy a table, set a small framed picture in the middle, and start "high fiving" and dancing around the table chanting, "51 days! 51 days!".
A few minutes later, five more blondes enter the bar and join the others at the table. There is much laughing and merriment, alternating with the ritual chanting of "51 days! 51 days!".
Finally, the bartender can no longer control his curiosity and he strolls over to the table to see what is going on.
In the center is a picture of Cookie Monster in a frame. When the bartender asks what the celebration is all about, one of the women says, "We were all tired of the blonde jokes about how dumb we are, so we got together and put this puzzle together. On the package it said '2 to 4 years', but we all worked together and put the puzzle together in 51 days!"

Dodging Trees
A state trooper pulled a car over on a lonely back road and approached the blonde lady driver.
"Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear-view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

Open Blouse
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.
A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
"Why, officer?" asks the blonde.
"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed."
"Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!"


Question: If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?
Answer: The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions!
____
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
____
The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"
___
A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop, someone asked,
"Where did you get that?"
The pig replied,
"I won her in a raffle!"
__
A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.
Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin,
"For best results, put on two coats".
___
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.
First Blonde:
"I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Second Blonde:
Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down!
__
Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks.
The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said,
"I think they could be bird tracks."
The second blonde went to look and said,
"No, I think these are deer tracks."
They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train!
___
A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.
When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.
After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,
"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.
The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."
The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.
Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
___
BLONDE Q&A.
Q: What do you call an eternity?
A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.

Q: What do SMART Blondes and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them but never see them.

Q: Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms?
A: They think their picture is being taken.
___________
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"
"Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her.
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked "What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, "Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
A: They're doing research on black holes.

There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde. They all worked together at an office.
Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too.
The boss left and so did they. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date. The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left.
The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again.
"No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!"

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie."
The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"

Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A: Pull the trigger and toss it back.
A blond, brunette, and and Asian girl were on a game show called Stair Way to Heaven. The girl to get to the top without laughing from one the game show host jokes won 100,000,000,000,000,000,000 dollars. There were 99 steps to the top. The game begun. After 10 steps, the brunette laughed. Then after another 20 steps, the Asian girl laughed.
Finally, The blond girl was at the 99th stair. The game show host was very impressed. " Only one stair left, are you excited?" The blond girl didn't answer. He started to tell the last joke when she started to laugh. The game show host asked, " Why did you laugh on the very last step?" She replied, " I finally understood the 1st joke."

A blonde comes into a bar and sits next to a red-head. They're watching the 10:00 news about a guy about to jump off of a building. The red-head says "I bet you 30 dollars that he jumps off the building." The blonde says "I'll take that bet." A few mintutes later the guy jumps off the building. The blonde hands over the money. The red head says "I have to be honest. I watched the
6:00 news and I knew that he was going to jump off the building.
The blonde says "Oh! I saw that too. But I didn't think he was stupid enough to do it again!"

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?"

[Random_oso06]

Bill Clintion is dying and he tells his wife look for the oldest dampest and look like it ben jumped on bed and look under so she does and finds a box she opens it and sees 1.5 billion dollers and three cans she goes back and says what with the cans and he says thats how many times i cheated on you than she says thats not bad she leaves then comes back and says whats with the money and he says thats the cans i cashed in when he box got full

[Underground_Network]

WARNING, THESE MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO SOME

DEAD BABY JOKES

What's worse than 12 babies nailed to one tree?
One baby nailed to 12 trees.

What happens when you stab a baby in the eye?
I don't know about you, but I get an erection.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.

What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean?
Fucked.

How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles ?
Nail its other hand to the floor.

How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard you throw them.

What gets louder as it gets smaller?
A baby in a trash compactor.

How do you get 100 babies into a bucket?
With a blender!

How many dead babies does it take to change a tire?
Two, one to prop up the car and one to replace it incase it explodes.

Why do you stick a baby in the blender feet first?
So you can see the expression on its face!

^^ I admit some of these require a sick sense of humor, but still, most of them are pretty funny. I don't like some of them, but some are really funny. There are a lot more than this, though some are really offensive, and a lot of them aren't even that funny in my opinion.

[Serenity]

I think I'm gonna be sick...

[kitkat92]

Lol I must have a sick sense of humour =/

[Sugaree]

I think I'm gonna be sick...

I honestly almost upchucked when I read those.

[Underground_Network]

^^ I said it requires a sick sense of humor, and those aren't even what I'd consider to be bad. The worse jokes are so terrible that I wouldn't even put them on here. The first time I heard most of those jokes I nearly threw up too, but after awhile, for some reason, they seem to get funnier and funnier. I think I'm just deranged. :P

Btw, Katie, I liked those blonde jokes. :D

[kitkat92]

I think I'm just deranged. :P

Yh I think I am 2 =/.... Lol I know loads more blonde jokes

[Gumleaf]

ok, got this in an sms today:


a 95 year old man is given a jar to provide a sperm sample for analysis at hospital. he turns up at the hospital 2 days later with an empty jar. the nurse asks "why is there no sample?". the man replies "i'm sorry, but i tried with my right hand, then my left hand. then my wife tried with both hands. then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with them out! then we got ethel from next door to try. but it was no good, we just couldn't get the lid off the jar."


i have to say that opening the jar wasn't was what i was thinking when i was reading that lol!

[japanman]

Kitkat those are some funny jokes xD and nice one stephen.

[The Resurrected One]

ok, got this in an sms today:


a 95 year old man is given a jar to provide a sperm sample for analysis at hospital. he turns up at the hospital 2 days later with an empty jar. the nurse asks "why is there no sample?". the man replies "i'm sorry, but i tried with my right hand, then my left hand. then my wife tried with both hands. then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with them out! then we got ethel from next door to try. but it was no good, we just couldn't get the lid off the jar."


i have to say that opening the jar wasn't was what i was thinking when i was reading that lol!

lol, yeah, same. :P


And Katie, those blonde jokes are great! :D

[Zephyr]

This is by far my favorite joke...

Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.

The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!”

The second one replied, I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”

[japanman]

Awsome one steph its funny.

[Gumleaf]

loving it steph, fan-bloody-tastic!

[The Resurrected One]

This is by far my favorite joke...

Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.

The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!”

The second one replied, I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”

lol that's hilarious. :D

[kitkat92]

HAHA... That would be painful

[Sugaree]

You can tell that in any form. The other one I heard of the same joke is this.

Three men, an American, a French man, and a Black guy, are walking through the jungle when they get captured by cannibals. The king says "If you want to live, you must shove the fruit of your choice up your ass. You must shove ten of the fruit up your ass."

So the American goes first by selecting apples, he is only able to shove two up his ass before he screams with pain and he is killed. The second to go is the French guy who selects blueberries. He is able to shove 8 of the berries up his ass before he laughs and is killed.

So the French and American guy are in heaven and the French guy is laughing. The American, out of curoisity, asks him why he's laughing. The French guy says "Because the black man wanted to shove watermelon up his ass!"

[Whisper]

The seven dwarfs won a meeting with the pope
so they get all excited and go running into the room
and dopey asks the pope "pope do you have any dwarf nuns in Antarctica?" and he goes "no no I don't think we do". So dopey asks "well do you have any dwarf nuns anywhere". and the pope responds "Well I've meet all the nuns from all over the world and no I don't think we have any dwarf nuns". the other 6 dwarfs go "ha ha dopey fucked a penguin!"

[Bobby]

HAHAAHAHAHA Kodie that's great.

[AutumnDae]

Ha..ha...hahahaha that was hilarious. About the dwarfs I mean. I was like "that wasn't really funny" And then I thought about a dwarf saying "haha, dopey fucked a penguin", then I started bursting out laughing.

[kitkat92]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

[george]

OMG lmfao I really did fall out of my chair when I read that xD

[Underground_Network]

^^ I heard that this morning... 0.o

[Gumleaf]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

loving it katie! lol :D:D:D

[kitkat92]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he
observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny,"

He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the
hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go".





A young man pulls a older woman at a night club. She's 61 but looks good for her age. On the way back to her house the bloke thinks 'mmm i bet her daughters is hot.' When she asks if he'd like a sportsman's Double? "What's that" he ask's "its a mother daughter threesome" she says, "WOW.YES PLEASE," So as they go in her front door, she puts on the light and shouts ........................ "mum you still awake? "

[Gumleaf]

i like that first one katie, funny stuff.
you could always see where that 2nd one was going. lol

[kitkat92]

Lol yh... More?

Paddy takes his new wife home on his wedding night. She lies on the bed legs spread eagle, naked, and says, "Paddy, you know what I want?" Paddy replies, "yeah, all the freaking bed by the looks of it.....!"



A guy is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog For Sale ."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes," the Lab replies.

"So, what's the story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda
about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to
country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one
figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for
eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security
wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of
medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.

"Ten euros." the man says.

"Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shite."







Paddy had been killed in a housefire and as he had no family his two best friends were asked to go down to the morgue to identify him. Murphy goes in first..."Ewww...his face is too burnt to tell, turn him over..." They did so.
"Nope, that's not Paddy."
Seamus came in next and did the same thing, had them turn him over..."No, that's not our Paddy."
"How can you tell?" asked the pathologist.
"Paddy has two anuses"
"Two anuses??...how do you know that?"
"Well when the three of us go out for a pint I've heard many say ..'There's Paddy with the two ars*holes.'"





A man is on trial for murdering his wife and her lover.He is being asked questions in the dock...
"Did you murder your wife with a spanner??"
"Yes, M'Lud."
Paddy (his neighbour) shouts from the public gallery..."Bastard...you bastard!!"
"And did you also batter Mr Smith's head with a spanner?"
"Yes, M'lud."
"Bastard!..You total BASTARD!!"shouts Paddy again.
The judge says, "I know it's a heinous crime but try to keep some order in the gallery."
"Paddy shouts.."How many times have I asked you to borrow a spanner and you said you didn't have one!?!"

[Gumleaf]

lol great work there katie!!!

[Sugaree]

So a couple is having their honeymoon in Las Vegas. In the lobby the husband touches his wife's ass and his wife says "Don't touch my ass in public!"

So the guy being pissed argued back and said "Well the first night we dated you sucked my nuts!"

[DaretoFallup]

rofl all these jokes are like really funny, wish i could find some good jokes

[Rutherford The Brave]

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashamed. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I
did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

[Sugaree]

Not sure if Stephen will like this one or not but here goes ;) I heard this one in Church the other day while Father was giving the homily.

There was a woman. She lived an apartment and was very lonely. She was never married and had very little friends. So, she decides to go to her local pet store for an animal so that she wouldn't be so lonely.

She goes to the pet store and asks what animal would be good for a person that is very lonely.

The store owner says "Ah! I know just what you need! You need this parakeet. A bird is a perfect animal for someone that's lonely." The woman was very excited and paid for the bird and rushed to the apartment. She set up the bird's cage and for two weeks the bird stood there and didn't say a word and did nothing but stare with his beedy little eyes at the woman.

So she goes back to the pet store and complains saying "The bird doesn't talk or anything. I think I deserve my money back." So the store owner says "I know what you need! You need this bell. Bird's love to play with bells. They ring them and will squack whenever it's rung."

So she buys the bell and sets it up in the bird's cage. But, the birds is still standing there on it's perch staring with it's small eyes. The woman was very frustrated now and demanded that her money be returned. So the store owner said "You need this bird swing. Bird's always have fun on these little swings."

So she buys it and sets it up in the cage. The bird is still on his perch staring at her. So in complete anger she storms off to the pet store and tries to force the money back to her. So the store owner says "You need this bird's mirror. Bird's are fooled by these all the time! They think that there is another bird in the room and would usually make movements and be amazed."

So with this last attempt she sets the mirror in the cage and for another two weeks the bird is still perched and staring at her with it's eyes. So she rushes towards the bird's cage and yells out "I'VE BOUGHT YOU EVERYTHING YOU COULD POSSIBLE HAVE! WHY WON'T YOU TALK TO ME!!!!!!!"

And the bird falls off the perch. And with his last breath he says "Didn't the store have any birdseed?"

[AutumnDae]

That was funny! I think I may have heard it before, but I laughed anyways.

[Gumleaf]

i like it matt!

[Techno Monster]

haha That was a good one.

[Aηdy]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing has moved for half an hour when suddenly a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks,

'What's going on?'

'Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling, David Miliband and Jack Straw.

They're asking for a £10 million ransom or they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'How much is everyone giving, on average?'

'Most people are giving about a gallon.'

[ShatteredWings]

^^ I admit some of these require a sick sense of humor, but still, most of them are pretty funny. I don't like some of them, but some are really funny. There are a lot more than this, though some are really offensive, and a lot of them aren't even that funny in my opinion.

i must be sick.....that was funny

[Random_oso06]

this morning this girl goes to the donut shop and she asked jesus please send me a little boy covered with donuts and the clouds clear up and light shine on this boy running from jesus then jesus saying all most there little girl just wait that boy will stop running and when he does he shows her a bag of donuts and says then the real party starts

this girl forced a boy to date her and she asked him what do you want to do and he says not you

[Techno Monster]

My Dad was mean.He gave me an empty box last birthday and said it was an GI Joe deserter!

[japanman]

What do you get when you fuck a coke?

Burpies.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Mommy mommy why do i keep going in circles"?

Shut up or ill nail your other foot to the floor.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Whats hard and straight going in and soft and sticky coming out?

Chewing gum.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

[Techno Monster]

^

Burpies! lmao.

[MRcongeniality]

(the archbishop of york said this, he is a black african, so thios isn't racist)

ok
a pilot on a plane says "we're going down, no fuel left, for us to survive, we need to lose wheight, now we are going to release all of your luggage, raise your hand if you disagree," no one disagreed...
Five minutes later, he said "we're still going down" so they gave up all of their hand luggage...
Ten minutes later, he again said "now we are still going down, but don't worry, we need to let around fifty people go, now thoose of you who give up your life, will jump out the door, with a parachute, so there is a chance of liveing, but you would be giving up your life for over one thousand people, so we will find these people randomly, and this will be, alphabetically...
Any arabian people?
any black people?
any caribians?
etc.

And a small black boy said to his father... "daddy, why arn't they picking us, i want to go parachuting, but i don't want to die?"
so the father said to him, and all the other black people around him... "WE ARE ZULUS!"


2d joke - Mrs bates

this is true, and was on the news.
A woman called andria bates, had two sons, a husband, and a dog, now her edlest son was the lowest regarded person in the family, as he smoked cocain, now on the news, they said, "the family tree goes andria bates, malcomn bates, rory bates, fido the dog master bates...

Anyone get it?

[Gumleaf]

ok, so this ones a bit below the belt so to speak, but i still laughed when it got sent to me.


paddy is in a disco and he asks a girl "how about a f**k?" she replies "i'm on my menstrual cycle". "great" says paddy, "i'm on my scooter, i'l follow you home".

[The Batman]

The guy says “are you ready?
The girl says, I have onely done this once before”
The guy says “its no problem, Ill try to make it painless as possible, I promise”
The girl is real wet at this time.
The guy says “ It will be ok… just open up wide..”
The girl says “ok, and starts to open it...”
The guy moves in closer and then he sticks it in her and she screams in pain. He wiggles it around to try to get it really loose.. Then he sees that she is in alot of pain and takes it out. After about 15 seconds he sticks it back in her and starts pushing harder and harder.. Although she is moaning in pain alot, He has to get it done. He just keeps putting it in then takes it out to give her a break.. Then the last time he yells “GOT IT” and pulled it out.. The girl was bleeding crazy! The guy went to get some napkins and started to clean it up…
She finally got that tooth out that has been buggin her for SO LONG!
She thanks the denists and goes home..

[Sugaree]

Why can dogs lick inbetween their legs?

Because they can.

[ShatteredWings]

that's gross even for you

[The Batman]

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.
The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."
As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."

[ShatteredWings]

? i don't get it..

[Mzor203]

Lol, just found an awesome one.



Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife." Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

[Gumleaf]

Lol, just found an awesome one.



Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife." Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

i chuckled at that, i like it! :)

[AutumnDae]

girl;345927']? i don't get it..


Think about it. The guys were boasting how amazing their sons were. Given "friends" all those nice gifts. Then the last guy says how his son was gay. His last 3 boyfriends had given him those gifts.

Therefore, all the guy's sons are gay.

[Requin]

This is one from Frankie Boyle, it's one i've always remembered:
Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

And from Jimmy Carr, another one of my favourites:
I've got no problem buying tampons. I'm a modern man. But apparently, they're not a "proper present".

This ones from a guy called Kevin McAleer:
Two guys came knocking at my door once and said: "We want to talk to you about Jesus." I said: "Oh, no, what's he done now?"

[The Batman]

A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.

"Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"

"Yes, officer... I know I was speeding--but it is a matter of life or death."

"Oh, really? How's that?"

"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."

"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."

"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."

[ShatteredWings]

*snickers*

nice.

only in the joke sticky, only in the joke sticky

[Sugaree]

Greg Giraldo on Jon Lovitz: "There hasn't been a more effeminate Jew in the closet since Anne Frank."

[ShatteredWings]

......
wtf?

[Sugaree]

From the "Comedy Central Roast of Bob Saget".

Gilbert Gottfried:

John Stamos walks into a bar and the bartender says "We have a drink named after you." And John Stamos says, "Oh really? You have a drink called Secret Fag?"

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen walk into a bar and they tell the bartender
Give us two ass-hurts." And the bartender asks "How do you make an ass-hurt?" And they say "Well, Bob Saget gives you a chocolate milk he just made and you wake up three hours later lying on your stomache."

Bob Saget walks into a bar and tells the bartender "Give me the Bob Saget." And the bartender asks "How do you make a Bob Saget?" And he says "You give me one shot, I suck on it for eight years, and then you pay me $100 million for it."

[Requin]

What do you call a skinny australian girl with chalk on her head?

A Barbie-cue.

Sorry, i thought it was funny :-)

[Sugaree]

The Devout Catholic Woman http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.
At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally together." A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?" "I mean her legs!"

[ShatteredWings]

haha

wow

:P

[Sugaree]

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles. "Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

[ShatteredWings]

haha

why are these types of jokes the only ones i get?

[Sugaree]

The Career Ambitions of Babies (you'll love this one Gwyn :P)

There were three babies in a woman's womb, and they were discussing what they would like to be when they were out in the world and grown up.

The first one said "I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed at this, and asked why he wanted be be a plumber. He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here, it's kinda leaky."
The second one said "I wanna be an electrician." The others thought this was kind of silly too and asked why. The second baby answered, "so I can get some lights in here, its dark!"
The third one said, "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full five minutes, before asking, "Why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?" He replied, "So," he said proudly, "I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us.

[ShatteredWings]

:wave::lol3:

hilarous

[Maverick]

hahaha that's great

[Gumleaf]

like it matt, funny stuff! :P

[The Batman]

That's one of my favorite jokes you said

[BeautifulSilence]

Genious X^D

[Sugaree]

You might be a redneck if your baby's first words were, "Attention, K-mart shoppers."

[The Batman]

A blonde walks into an STD booth to call her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost 10 dollars, she exclaims: "I don't have any money. But I'd do anything to call my mother." The man arches an eyebrows. "Really?" he asks. "Yes, yes, anything!" she says. "Well, then, just follow me," says the man, walking to the next room. "Come in and close the door," the man said. She does. He then says, "Now, go ahead, take it out..." he says. She reaches in and grabs it with both hands and then pauses. The man closes his eyes and whispers, "Well...go ahead." The blonde slowly brings her mouth closer to it and, while holding it close to her lips, tentatively says, "Hello, Mum, can you hear me?"

[Sugaree]

What do Michael Jackson and McDonald's have in common?

They both put 50 year old meat in 5 year old buns.

[ShatteredWings]

you stole that one. lol still nice tho

[BeautifulSilence]

That was one of those jokes to get this reaction:

:eek:ERGH:eek:
:lol:HAAAAAAAAAH!:lol:

Well, from me anyways :D

[Sugaree]

Late one night a mouse finds a bit of Guiness on the floor of a bar. He takes a few licks of it and howls out at the moon saying "WHERE IS THAT GOD DAMN CAT!?!"

Three mice are in a bar and are talking about how tough they are.

The first mouse says "I take the cheese from mouse traps and bench press it thirty times before throwing it across the room!"

The second mouse says "You think that's tough? I once out ran three cats."

The third mouse chugs the rest of his drink and heads for the door. The two other mice say "Hey! Where are you goin'?" and the mouse says "Home to fuck the cat."

[ShatteredWings]

:clown::biggrin:

damn
hahaa! nice

[BeautifulSilence]

"Late one night a mouse finds a bit of Guiness on the floor of a bar. He takes a few licks of it and howls out at the moon saying "WHERE IS THAT GOD DAMN CAT!?!""
I don't get it :(

Heh to the other one :)

[Sugaree]

The mouse is drunk so he thinks he's tough enough to take on the cat.

[Brazdar]

I don't know if this one was said here before.

Q: If you toss a blonde and a brunette off a building, at the same time, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette.
Q: Why?
A: Because the blonde stopped to ask for directions!

[BeautifulSilence]

What' white and flies upward?

A stupid snowflake

That made me laugh when I was 10, but that's because it was the funniest in the retardedly stupid joke book :D