Jokes and Riddles

[Bobby]

Bahahahahahahaha!
mean
cruel
racist
but fuckin hillarious

The words outta my mouth

[WelshLad]

crap, i need a change of trousers now!

[redcar]

oh they are bad but sooo funny!!!

[Whisper]

oh they are bad but sooo funny!!!

face it
all the good ones are

[MoveAlong]

WELL, I'm bored :D So I found this:

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

[boognish]

The joke thing i have is actually old and has some words for people, we teenagers of the world dont really use to often. but before i really post the BAD, RACIST, personally quite funny ones, i have to be sure i can...there are a few about black people relating to monkeys, jews, women, basically what offends you its here. so i need to be sure i will not get in trouble...they are funny but you have to get past the insult, and realize, THEY ARE JOKES. they are meaningless, but i still need permission, from josh or the other moderators from WPR

[Chrono]

i personally don't care, I wouldn't get offended, but if someone does get offended one of us can edit it.

[Dante]

This elderly Italian guy goes to his parish priest and asked if
he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he
would, and the two took up the customary positions on either
side of the divider.

"Well, Father," began the old man, "At the beginning of World
War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me
to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and
they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing," interjected the priest, "But it's
certainly nothing you need to confess!" "It's gets worse
Father," continued the elderly fellow, "I was weak and I told
her that she had to repay me for hiding her, by providing me
with sexual favors."

The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then
responded, "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a
very large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their
hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God,
in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of
your acts, and judge you kindly."

"Thank you Father," said the old man. "That's a load off my
mind! Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is
over?"

[redcar]

hahaha thats good! :D

[nachtspiegel]

This elderly Italian guy goes to his parish priest and asked if
he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he
would, and the two took up the customary positions on either
side of the divider.

"Well, Father," began the old man, "At the beginning of World
War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me
to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and
they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing," interjected the priest, "But it's
certainly nothing you need to confess!" "It's gets worse
Father," continued the elderly fellow, "I was weak and I told
her that she had to repay me for hiding her, by providing me
with sexual favors."

The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then
responded, "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a
very large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their
hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God,
in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of
your acts, and judge you kindly."

"Thank you Father," said the old man. "That's a load off my
mind! Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is
over?"

Oh God, wow...:eek:

[Whisper]

Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

[Rooster]

It ain't that funny.

[MoveAlong]

Don't make comments on how other people take things!! :P

That was a little funny :P

[boognish]

hey, im jewish and i love that joke, and so do all my friends, oldie but goldie

[nachtspiegel]

A girl from the south and a girl from the east coast were seated
side by side on an airplane.

The girl from the south, being friendly and all, said, "So,
where y'all from?"

The east coast girl said, "From a place where they know better
than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from the south sat quietly for a few moments and then
replied: "So, where y'all from, bitch?"

[nachtspiegel]

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath - when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie! ... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this", said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie."

She smiled and said, "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

He said, "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

The genie said, "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

The genie said, "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish

that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached

[Dante]

LMAO.....thats funny.

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado in
Kansas, and off they spin to the Land of OZ. After threatening
trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald
City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with
Iran, so I've come for some courage."

"No problem" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?" Ronald Reagan
steps forward, "Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain." "Done"
says the Wizard.

"Who comes next before the Great Wizard?" Up steps George Bush
sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."

"I've heard it's true" says the Wizard. "Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence. Bill Clinton is just standing
there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE
EMERALD CITY!?"

And Bill replies - "Is Dorothy around?"

[MoveAlong]

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath - when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie! ... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this", said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie."

She smiled and said, "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

He said, "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

The genie said, "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

The genie said, "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish

that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached
Hahahahah :D

[Melchi0r]

I'm a big fan of absurdism... this joke might be funny, but it depends on what kind of person you are.

Q. Whats' the only thing worse than drinking warm soda?









































A. Anal rape.

[nachtspiegel]

haha found this on a myspace page

http://i58.photobucket.com/albums/g260/desiraebass/723835651_l.jpg

[MoveAlong]

LMAO :lol2: bhahahahhah :D

[nachtspiegel]

another one:

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i297/Karelk/Comments/sperm5ai.jpg

[redcar]

lmao i love that one!!

[Dante]

lmao I love both of those

[Charlotte]

Two men are pushing their shopping trolleys around a store when they collide.

The first man says to the second, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going".

The second man says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate".

The first man says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like"?

The second man says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, big breasts and is wearing a short skirt and a short t-shirt. What does your wife look like"?

The first man says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

[Aηdy]

haha! lol..........

[Bobby]

Hahaha LOL!!

[Dante]

How do you confuse the heck out of Helen Keller?

You glue doorknobs to the walls.

[Whisper]

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong,the ship sinks,and there were only 3 survivors : Gilligan, the Skipper and Mary Ann. They manage to swim to a tiny desert isle. They live there for a couple of years doing what’s natural for men and women to do…..After several years of casual sex, Mary Ann felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both Gilligan and the Skipper was so bad that she killed herself. It was very tragic but both Gilligan and the Skipper managed to get through it, and, after awhile nature once more took it’s inevitable course……….Well, a couple more years went by and Gilligan and the Skipper began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.















So they buried her....


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This couple had been dating several months and came close to having sex several times but at the last moment she would stop him.He was drafted into the army and on his last night at home pleaded with her to go all the way. She said she would if he could come up with a better rhyme than hers. He agreed. Her rhyme: If that should ever come to be,I'll throw my pussy out to sea. His reply: If that should ever come to pass I'll strap my balls to my ass, use my pecker as an oar and row that pussy back to shore.

[Bobby]

whahahaha!!! LMAO!!those are so funny.

[Whisper]

A Job Application

This is an actual job application that a 75 year
old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas.
They hired him because he was so funny.

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right
woman (or at least, one who'll cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice
President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I
was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying
here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock
options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If
that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management
hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible
collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p. m. Monday,Tuesday,
and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but
they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had
one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD
PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate
question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR
RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the
Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell
me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no, on my breaks - no.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb
sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest
thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be
doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND
COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.


SIGN HERE: Sagittarius

[Bobby]

That's great... where do you find this stuff?

[redcar]

hahaha that job application is soo funny!:D

[mRojas2000]

that was way too dumb and funny!!

[Charlotte]

> >> >> A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin.
> >> >> Truth be told, he is not too experienced either.
> >> >>
> >> >> On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the
> >> >> sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to
> >> >> her and tries to be reassuring "My darring" he says,
> >> >> "I know dis yo firss time and you berry
> >> >> frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I
> >> >> do anyting - juss anyting you want. Whatchou want?"
> >> >> he says, trying to sound experienced, which
> >> >> he hopes will impress his virgin bride.
> >> >>
> >> >> A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently
> >> >> (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies
> >> >> shyly and unsure, "I want to twy somethin I have heard
> >> >> about... numbaa 69"
> >> >>
> >> >> More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
> >> >> Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries... "You
> >> >> want... Beef wiff Broccori?"

[mRojas2000]

what an idiot!

[iluvlamp1414]

i know some funny jokes... they might not be appropriate though...

some of your jokes are funny :D

[nachtspiegel]

removed..i'll post it l8r.. not working right

[Barelythere]

hahahaha thats so funni, the wedding one :P made me chuckle :D cya peeps xx

[Dante]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and
as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried
and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in
deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of
trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home
with her date. After being informed of the problem, their
daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two
fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When
the father blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The mother
said to the young man, "That was wonderful. You should be a
doctor!"

The ungrateful father jumped up, twisted the boy's arm behind
his back and yelled, "Doctor, my ass! He's going to be our
son-in-law. Smell his fingers!"

[nachtspiegel]

ROFL!!!!!!

Alright, I vaguely remember this book and wanted some reaction......




























































....http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a297/thatboy16/Everybody_poops.jpg

:lol:

I hope no one REALLY needs a book to know that.

[nachtspiegel]

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?"

Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."

"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how the doctor came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thingfor me, to save my l ife. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"

[Dante]

LMAO thats funny.

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless
to say the helpdesk employee was fired: however, he/she is
currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination
without Cause."

Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support
Employee: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all
of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?" "They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing."

"Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I
tell?"

"Can you see the c:prompt on the screen?" "What's a
sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I
type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I
don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" "Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall. "Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find
the other cable." "Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer." "I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well can you see if it is?" "No"

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way
over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's
because it's dark."

"Dark?" "Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I
have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't."

"No? Why not?" "Because there's a power outage."

"A power....A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the box and manuals and packing stuff you
computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just
like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you
bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all
right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're
too stupid to own a computer!"

[nachtspiegel]

A man is travelling to a city. On his way he loses his map, but by asking people he manages to find his way.

He is nearly there when he reaches a turning. He knows it's the last turning he'll meet. He knows that one way leads to the city and the other leads to a very dangerous forest. If he chooses the latter he will never return.

But he stands a chance. There is a house at the turning. He knows two brothers live in there. As they are a twin they are identical from the outside. From the inside, however, they are very different. For one brother always tells the truth and the other always tells lies.

He is lucky. One of the brothers is at home. But there is one problem. He is allowed to ask only one question. So if he asks which way leads to the city the truthful brother will get him there, but the liar will lead him to his death.

What question should the man ask to know which way to choose?


this is probably wrong, but he should ask to get on the roof so he can see far enough to whether the path leads to a city or a forest. :P

http://www.myspacecomedy.com/images/funny/johhny_1.jpg

[DouggyO.o]

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning:

"Ohh, I need a bike! Ahh, I need a bike!"

[nachtspiegel]

Lulu was a prostitute - One day there was a raid. All the prostitutes were lined up outside the police station as they took them in one by one. As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street and was so ashamed. Grandma didn't know her occupation and stopped to say hi. She asked
what the line was for. Lulu, saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh oranges to those waiting. Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end of the line.

When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed. He said "How the heck do you do this at your age?" She said "I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck'em dry!"


The policeman fainted.

[Phantom]

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."

[Underage_Thinker]

good one phantom:)


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORIALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."



HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION." (We have a few of these!)

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "MALE CLEAVAGE."

[Maverick]

How Moses Got the 10 Commandments

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.

The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"

And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."

Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shall not kill. "

"Not kill? We're not interested."



God went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy >Father and Mother." "Father? We don't know who our fathers are.

" We're not interested."



Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou >shall not steal."

"Not steal? We're not interested."



Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou >shall not commit adultery."

"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."


Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."

"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"

"They're free."

"We'll take 10."

[Dante]

Lmao!!!! That Was Funny!

[Maverick]

A woman goes over to her married son's house and walks in to find her daughter-in-law sitting in a chair, entirely nude. The mother-in-law says, “What the hell are you doing?”
“I'm wearing my love dress,” responds the daughter-in-law, “We haven't made love in a long time.”

So the mother-in-law says, “Hm, maybe I should try that.”

She goes home to find her husband is not in, so she gets undressed. Two hours go by and finally she hears her husband's car. He walks in the front door and says, “What the fuck are you doing?”

“I'm wearing my love dress,” says the wife.

“Well,” responds the husband, “it needs to be ironed.”

[go bfmv]

random

[go bfmv]

lol

[JoshDude]

A woman goes over to her married son's house and walks in to find her daughter-in-law sitting in a chair, entirely nude. The mother-in-law says, “What the hell are you doing?”
“I'm wearing my love dress,” responds the daughter-in-law, “We haven't made love in a long time.”

So the mother-in-law says, “Hm, maybe I should try that.”

She goes home to find her husband is not in, so she gets undressed. Two hours go by and finally she hears her husband's car. He walks in the front door and says, “What the fuck are you doing?”

“I'm wearing my love dress,” says the wife.

“Well,” responds the husband, “it needs to be ironed.”

Haha, awesomeness

[Dante]

Heaven is...

when the French are the cooks, the Italians are the lovers, the
British are the police, the Germans are the mechanics and the
Swiss run the hotels.

Hell is...

when the British are the cooks, the Swiss are the lovers, the
Italians are the mechanics, the French run the hotels and the
Germans are the police.

[Maverick]

DADDY CALLING HOME.

((RING)))

((RING))))

**Pick Up**
"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul"

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Paul"

"Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

** Brief Pause**

"Uh, okay then, .this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on
the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to
Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it
Daddy"

"And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and
he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess
he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit
the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

**Long Pause***

***Longer Pause**

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??"... Is this 486-5731??

[DS_furio]

nice one seen a simular one before where the girl shot the guy with agun tht just happend to be in the same place as it was in his house

right what about this

Bear turns men into women
Beer contains female hormones

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the
results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female
hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The
theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens)
and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1
hour period It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

[Maverick]

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?


Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.


"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign


"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett,
University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.



That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death
by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analy

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective
March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

[Dante]

lol awesome...this one is kind of sick humor.

John receives a phone call.

"Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end says, "This is
Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."

John: "hmmm... Susan? You say we met 3 months ago?"

Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party gave me a
ride home. On the way home, we parked and got into the back
seat. You told me I was a good sport."

John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are have you been?"

Susan: "Well, I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."

John: "Say, you really ARE a good sport!"

[Underage_Thinker]

lol that is funny:D. I guess i just have a sick sense of humor.

[MoveAlong]

Hahaha, Anthony your last two were hilarious :D

[Chrono]

just check this out guys, its hilarious http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Chuck_Norris

[MoveAlong]

http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/shirt0001.jpg

[Whisper]

Bahahahahahahahaha

[Sage]

Well, I noticed most people tend to put jokes up in this thread, but it says riddles too, so here's a couple of my favorites.

1: What can turn without moving?

2: I was carried into a dark room and lit on fire, after dinner my head was cut off. What am I?

3: A skyfull, a roomful, but never a spoon full. What is it?

[MoveAlong]

SubliminalTim, I don't get them!


http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Rob/gonorrhea.png


http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Kris/kite2.png

[Sage]

I gave a vague description, you need to guess what item I am talking about. It's the most common type of riddles. >>

[MoveAlong]

I gave a vague description, you need to guess what item I am talking about. It's the most common type of riddles. >>

I know that
I'm not dumb
But I don't know the answers! Besides, this is a sticky, and I thought you weren't suppoed to wait for someone to guess them, just put the answer by them
But oh well :|
Plus I looked them up on Google and I couldn't find them

[Bobby]

1. A traffic light?

2. A pig?

3. I have no idea.

[Whisper]

3. air

i hate riddles

[Sage]

Well rather than individually replying to each guesser, here are the answers:

1. Milk. (Turns bad.)
2. A candle.
3. Smoke. (I suppose air works too..)

[MoveAlong]

1. A traffic light?

Ohh that's a good guess :D

[Whisper]

http://youtube.com/watch?v=2hXy3Qm7QKU

bahahahahahahaha


http://youtube.com/watch?v=bDTa1Abw7Lc

mmmm beeeer

[Sage]

A big moron and a little moron stood on a bridge. The big moron fell off. Why did the little moron stay?

Because he was a little more-on.
---------------------------
Why did the dead baby cross the road?

Because it was stapled to the chicken.

[Ironic Infidel In England]

That second one isn't funny.

[Whisper]

I was hanging out with my brother in laws best friends kids

chris is like 13
and outta the blue he looks up at me

and hes like:

Whats the diffrence between a roster and a blonde?




A roster says cock-a-doodle-doo
A blonde says any cock'll do!



hahahahahahahaha
I know its mean but fuck was it funny

[MoveAlong]

Whats the diffrence between a roster and a blonde?




A roster says cock-a-doodle-doo
A blonde says any cock'll do!

Hahaha

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBXMgOKyS4w&watch_response
^^A lame gay joke!^^

[Underground_Network]

Some of you may know this comic.. its called Cyanide and Happiness, these are some funny ones I've stumbled upon (you might wanna look through some more, although they have over 800) (also I'm only putting like 5, cause there are a lot of funny ones.. too many to put here):
http://www.explosm.net/comics/707/
http://www.explosm.net/comics/712/
http://www.explosm.net/comics/717/
http://www.explosm.net/comics/718/
http://www.explosm.net/comics/722/

[MoveAlong]

I love Cyanide and Happiness!

http://www.explosm.net/comics/722/
I don't think that was really funny, expecially on a forum with a eating disorders forum...

[Sage]

I don't think that was really funny, expecially on a forum with a eating disorders forum...

Really? I laughed my ass off.

[Underground_Network]

I don't think that was really funny, expecially on a forum with a eating disorders forum...

I'm sorry if I offended anyone, I really just chose those comics at random.

[MoveAlong]

Really? I laughed my ass off.

Did you notice that what I said was an opinion?

[Sage]

Did you notice that what I said was an opinion?

Absolutely, so I disagreed with it.

Anyhow, two blonds were driving down the highway to Disney Land. At some point, they came to a fork in the road. The road sign said, "Disneyland Left".

So they went back home.

[Underground_Network]

^^ Thats pretty funny

[MoveAlong]

http://4.content.collegehumor.com/d1/ch6/1/2/collegehumor.0d65a7b12bfc20fbe46c67623d5118ad.jpg

[nachtspiegel]

http://4.content.collegehumor.com/d1/ch6/1/2/collegehumor.0d65a7b12bfc20fbe46c67623d5118ad.jpg

:D

[Ethannnnnn]

Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for then new world.

Yo mama so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!

[Chrono]

yo mamas so fat i drove around her and got lost twice

yo mama's so fat every time she turns around its her birthday

yo mamas like a shotgun, one cock and she blows

yo mama's like a vacuum cleaner, she sucks all day and gets laid in the closet.

[Maverick]

http://www.geekculture.com/joyoftech/joyimages/115.gif

[MoveAlong]

Aw naw, how cruel Ant :P
yo mama's like a vacuum cleaner, she sucks all day and gets laid in the closet.
Oh snap! :O

Yo mama's so dumb she thinks Dickie's is condoms for kids.

That's all I got : /

[Ironic Infidel In England]

Yo moma's so stupid and cheap she steals samples!

[nachtspiegel]

Yo mama is like a bowling ball.. picked up, fingered, and thrown back in the gutter.

Yo mama is like a Dirt Devil, she sucks and she blows.

Yo mama is so fat, she's like a trampoline, she's big enough to jump and down on.

(I wish someone would say one of those to me again.. haha..)

http://a545.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/49/l_33edb4cdf4fae7e3ead1c92251657208.gif
wow..

[MoveAlong]

This is so lame

Gay Parrot

A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.

After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."

The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman."

"What?" asks the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.

"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time...

"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

"That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrott. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch."

[Sage]

You're right. That is lame.

[MoveAlong]

Here's an even lamer one :D

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

[Dante]

Lmao that is great

So these two Irishmen walked out of a bar

[Just...Will]

Lmao that is great

So these two Irishmen walked out of a bar

Ahahahaha! I wonder what Alex has to say about that.

[Maverick]

http://i169.photobucket.com/albums/u233/bleedingmascara_07/826145874_m.gif

[Bobby]

Hahah funny Anthony!

[MoveAlong]

Ok so I made this completely on my own, and I want to see if someone can guess what it means! :P

http://img162.imageshack.us/img162/8259/klsq0.png

Hint: what would you do for it?

[DouggyO.o]

rosy o'donald killing a light switch?

[Bobby]

Klondike.

[DouggyO.o]

hahahahaha thats awesome!!!

[Chrono]

ah, you should make the L upper case, i thought it was Ki not KL

[Everglow]

hahaha that's funny :D

[Rawrbaby]

blahhahahe hehahehe haha yjat is funneee

[Dante]

lmao Klondike.....i wouldnt have guessed it.

[Ironic Infidel In England]

:) Very good.

[Dante]

So a dyslexic walked into a bra

[Rawrbaby]

and what happened next

[Dante]

thats the joke

*read it carefully and you'll get it*

[MoveAlong]

So a dyslexic walked into a bra

lol

[Ironic Infidel In England]

bahaha! What did the dyslexic, insomniac agnostic do?

Sat up at night wondering if there's a dog.

[Dante]

LMAO!!!!

that was great

[MoveAlong]

That was lamer than Dante's joke :rolleyes: niiice

[Rawrbaby]

whats a dyslexic

[Sage]

whats a dyslexic

Yo momma. No, seriously, look it up.

Whats black, white, and red all over?
--Micheal Jackson in a blender!

[Dante]

whats a dyslexic
a dyslexix is someone who has a problem reading. for example, they would look at the words and to them it owuld get all jumbled up

Yo momma. No, seriously, look it up.

Whats black, white, and red all over?
--Micheal Jackson in a blender!

1) be Nice

and 2) lol @ the joke

[BikiniGal]

Things to do in a Store

JUST IN CASE YOUR BORED


1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the restrooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in house wares," and see what happens.
5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Put M&M's on layaway.
8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joe's vs. the X-Men.
13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
14. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
15. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.
16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
18. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! Pick me!!"
20. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
21. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
22. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"


Fun Things to do in a Crowded Lift

found on the internet
1)Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

2) Shake the person's hand when he/she enter the lift.

3) Congratulate all for being in the same lift with you.

4) Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

5) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!".

6) Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

7) Sell Girl Scout cookies.

8) On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

9) Shave.

10) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

11) Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

12) Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off

13) When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

14) Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

15) Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

16) One word: Flatulence!

17) On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

18) Do Tai Chi exercises.

19) Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

20) When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"

21) Give religious tracts to each passenger.

22) Meow occasionally.

23) Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

24) Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"

25) Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

26) Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

27) Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

28) Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

29) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

30) Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"

31) Leave a box between the doors.

32) Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

33) Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

34) Start a sing-along.

35) When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

36) Play the harmonica.

37) Say "Ding!" at each floor.

38) Lean against the button panel.

39) Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

40) Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

41) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

42) Bring a chair along.

43) Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"

44) Blow spit bubbles.

45) Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

46) Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

47) Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

48) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

49) Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

50) Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."

51) Announce to the person stood next to you "I really need the toilet. Can I use your bag?"

52) Ask the other passengers "Wouldn't be great if this lift were to plumment to the floor, what do you think will happen?"

53) Petend to get your leg stuck in the door as it closes

53) Without letting anyone see, press the emergency stop button. Act surprised and start talking to yourself "its ok, it wasnt your fault you killed your family. It was SATAN, damm you SATAN! DAMN YOU!!!" Then press the stop button again and act as if nothing has happened.

54) Scratch yourself excessively saying "fucking headlice. They're all over me. I knew I shouldn't have played with that dog so much"

55) Set out a pinic set on the floor and suggest to the other passengers to join you in afternoon tea

56) Break wind and blame it on the person next to you

57) Pretend your are a repair man here to fix the lift. Wait untill its busy and tell everyone to get out of the lift. You get in, get your paper out and sit and relax

58) Start to talk about your sexlife. Tell them that all of your three children were concived in this very lift. And point and say "it was up against that wall"

59) Have sex with your imaginary friend

60) Say you have just won the lottery and you are on your way to collect your winnings. See how many people are listening to you

61) As the lift descends, shout "Bombs away!"

62) Offer to polish their shoes. When they say no, tell them you need the money to feed your ten starving children back home in Estonia

63) Hand out leaflets - "what to do when the lift cable breaks. The ten tips that will keep your body in one pice (although these tips will not save your life, it will make the rescue a bit cleaner, and we wont have to spend ages cleaning the blood of the walls) Hope you will live to do it again!"

64) Perform a striptease

65) Act surprised when it starts to move and say "THE GROUND IS FALLING!"

66) Fake an orgasam when the lift starts to move. Announce that it was your best ever

67) Let your mobile phone ring - don't anwser it.

68) Walk in to the lift with a clear bottle of apple juice. Start drinking and say "ah, theres nothing like your own urine to quench your first. Does anyone want some?"

69) Say "this new g-sring is really starting to hurt." Then attempt to adjust it.

70) Walk into the lift and say "this reminds me of being burried alive. Ah those were the days"

71) Suggest to the other passengers that you all should play a game of twister. Then get out the board and lie it on the floor

72)Paint the walls of the lift.

73) On entering, ask the passengers "Will you be my fwiend?". Burst into tears if they say no.

74) Stop the lift and say "twenty years in prison for murdering the whole family, and I get stuck in a lift after being out for two hours. Just my luck!"

75) Get back to nature - go in naked

76) Pretend to be the pilot of the lift, speach into a headset "this is lift number 1, ready for decent to 1st floor. Waiting for permission to depart, over"

77) Announce in a computer like voice "this lift will self destruct in 5 4 3 2 .....oh heres my floor"

78) Serve tea and coffee

79) Take shoes off before entering, Look shocked and disgusted when the others dont

80) Act like the sergent of the lift. Order people around. Tell them to get in line.

81) Suggest to the other people that your should play musical statues. Bring a tape recorder along too

82) Teach the people french. Dont let them leave till they get it right

83) As you are coming to the end of the journey, get enmotional and have a group hug. Tell them that you will never forget them.

84) Insist, the lift ride costs £2.50

85) Describe in detail, how you're "hung like a horse"

86) Pretend to be a flight attendant (particularly affective if you are dressed like one), instruct the passengers on what to do in an emergency

87) Yodel

88) Bring out a magnifying glass, closey inspect the other passengers skin and say "ooh, look at your pores"

89) Sing "I know a song that will get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get, get, get on your nerves" Over and over again.

90) Ask the others "Do you mind if I do my eminem impression?", then bring out a chainsaw and a mask.

91) Try breakdancing

92) Bring out a fake toy gun and shout to the person next to you "you lookin' at me?"

93) Challenge the guy stood next to you to a "thumb war".

94) Explain your ideas of world domination to the wall.

95) Force people to read to Kama Sutra while asking "do you wanna try this one?"

96) Dress up in a long, black cloak with a hood, stare and in a deep voice announce "it is time..."

97) Pretend to see a spider, repeatedly and violently stamp on the floor while screaming "Die you bastard, die DIIEEE!"

98) While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.

99) If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

100) Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.

101) Explain to the passengers that this lift looks the same as the ones on all the other floors.

102) Re-enact scenes from a movie where someone climbs out through the roof.

103) Tell people their clothes are stuck in the lift door, when the look round and see it isn't, apologise, then 5 seconds later say it again in exactly the same tone of voice.



105) Release cockroaches and rats or doves.

107) Point a fire extinguisher at the door as it opens and a passenger tries to enter, ready, aim, and bend the nozzle round and cover yourself with foam.



109) Dress up as a bellboy and ask them what floor they want and press the wrong one. When they try to correct you, spit,"are you trying to say i cant do my job?!'

110) Also in your bellboy act, ask what floor they want. Whatever they say, give them a glare and say "you should be ashamed of yourself!", and leave the lift tutting.

[BikiniGal]

I got more I put i seperate posts

Things You Shouldn't say to an officer

Can you hold my beer, I cant reach my license.

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

Hey, you must've been doing' about 125 mph to keep up with me.
Good job!

Are You Andy or Barney?

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a
police officer.

You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

I pay your salary!

Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning,
too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.




wish not to hear this during surgery

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Rats, there go the lights again...

Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off!

What's this doing here?

That's cool! now can you make his leg twitch?!

I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!

Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

what not to say during sex

is it in?



2)that's it?



3)you've got to be kidding me.



4)(phone rings) hello? oh nothing and you?



5)do i have to pay for this?



6)do i have to call you tomorrow?



7)oh mother, mother!



8)oh daddy, daddy!



9)you look better in the dark.



10)this is much better than my last girl/boyfriend.



11)I thought that goes in the other hole....



12)don't tell my husband/wife.



13)you have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it).



14)this sucks.



15)can you finish now? I have a meeting...



16)I hope you don't expect a raise for this...



17)I think you might get the job for this.



18)damn! is that all you know what to do.



19)did I tell you, I have herpes?



20)now we must get married.



21) hurry up, the games about to start.



22)I'm hungry.



23)I'm thirsty.



24)zzzzzzzzzzzz.



25)are you trying to be funny?



26)can I have a ride home after this?



27)are those real?



28)by the way, I want to break up.



29)is that smell coming from you?



30)haven't you ever done this before?



31)wow!! I've never seen those before (then grope wildly).



32)do you know what some female spiders do after sex?



33)you're so much like your sister....



34)your mom's cute.



35)what's your name again?



36)do I have to be here in the morning?



37)a second time? I barely stayed awake the first time!



38)but you just started!!



39)you're about as good as a 9 year old, and I should know!!



40)don't touch that!!



41)can we order a pizza?



42)I think my dad is listening at the door.



43)smile for the camera, honey!!!



44)take off that damn monkey glove!!



45)get your hand out of there!!



46)I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.



47)I knew you wore a padded bra!!



48)cover me boys, I'm going in!!!



49)DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!



50)Fire one!



51)God, that is small!!



52)hold on, let me change the channel...



53)who smells like fish?



54)is it o.k. if my mom (and/or dad) joins in?



55)your best-friend does it much better.



56)hope you don't mind I left my boots on.



57)hurry up, the motor's running'.



58)you're fogging up the wind-shield.



59)can I borrow 5 bucks?



60)what the hell noise was that?!



61)stop moaning, you sound so stupid.



62)shut up, bitch! (worse if the girl says it)



63)you know, you're not really attractive.



64)I'm sorry, I was not listening.



65)what, oh yea, I love you too, now let me concentrate!!



66)stop interrupting me!!



67)I have to poop.



68)did I leave the iron on?



69)your breath is funky.



70)(start singing Green Day).



71)is it o.k. if I call someone, its o.k. though, keep going....



72)its ok honey, I can imagine that its bigger.



73)god I wish you were a real woman.



74)why can't you ever shave your legs?



75)by the way, when I drove over here, I ran over your dog....



76)oh Susan, Susan... I mean donna.... dang.



77)your breast milk is like my mom's....



78)you're hairy!!



79)your "happy trail" led me to a dead end.



80)is it o.k. if I never see you again?



81)did I forget to tell you I got worms from my cat?



82)don't make that face at me!



83)all of a sudden I have a headache.



84)you're boring.



85)Would you shave my back after this.



86)Did I mention my name is Zoo from Planet Tog.



87)how much do I owe you?



88)How come we each have a penis? (If it wasn't suppose to be that way)



89)of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill me!



)your ass is hairy (the guy says this).



just use your finger, its bigger.



)does your family have to watch?



)we'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.



)get off me, I'll do it myself!!!!



)can you hold this sandwich for me?



)you're as soft as a sheep, inside and out.



)the only reason I'm doing this is because I'm drunk.



)my mom taught me this.....



)how cute... peach fuzz!



1)Dang girl! my boobs are bigger than yours!



1)should I ask why you're bleeding?



1)this is my pet rat, Larry....



1)if you can't do it, I'll find someone else who can!



1)I haven't had this much sex since I was a hooker!



1)I was once a woman...



)wan see me take out my glass eye?



107)no I don't love your mind, I can't grab that!!



108)is it o.k. if I tell my friends about this?



109)I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!



110)you wanted me to use a condom?



111)you're no better than my brother!!



112)mooooo!!



113)Fire in the hole!!!



1)I wanna see how many quaters I can fit in there.



1)hurry up, I'm late for a date.



1)o.k. start...oh! that feels so... YOU'RE DONE??!!



)you ever see basic instinct?



I'm out of condoms, can I use a sock?



don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.



Did I tell you where my cold sore came from?

you got boogies showing.







I think I just pooped on your bed.



of course I don't love you.


let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-I-n-t.

[BikiniGal]

Things to do at a funeral




1. Tell the widow you're not sure, but you think you saw the body move...
2. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.
3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
4. Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face while praising the deceased.
5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
6. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
7. Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.
8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
9. Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.
11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
13. Leave some phoney dog poop on top of the deceased.
14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.
15. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood.
16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.
17. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
18. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.
20. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on.
21. Put crazy-glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.
22. Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.
23. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
24. When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.
25. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.
26. At the cemetary take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
27. Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
28. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
29. Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.
30. Show up in a white lab coat, say you're from the eye bank, that the deceased had donated his eyes and that you want them NOW! If the widow balks, ask for her eyes.
31. As they lower the casket into the ground start singing, "Naaaaa Na Na Na, Naaaaa Na Na Na Naaaaa....."

[Serenity]

46) Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."


bwahahahahahahahaha

[MoveAlong]

http://img221.imageshack.us/img221/9201/streetscene3pausethatrelb7.jpg

Ooo, refreshing :P

[Serenity]

hahaha!!

[Maverick]

Haha good one! :P

[Jrinthehouse]

A guy is on a date with this girl, so he takes her to Lover's Lane.

When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you, I'm a hooker.'' The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25 and they start having sex.

After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town.''

[Jrinthehouse]

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

[Serenity]

hahahahahahahaha NICE


OK, here's one for the Bandos...if you're not a bando, you just can't appreciate it. Lol I crack up every time :P

Two college girls shared an apartment in the city. One night, one of the girls had a date with a trumpet player. When she returned from the date, her roomate asked how it went. The girl answered, "Ugh it was awful- he was a terrible kisser. His lips were all thin and tight. Plus he was SUCH an egomaniac!!"

The next week, the girl had a date with a tuba player. When she got back her roomate asked how it went. She said, "Oh man it was disgusting, his lips were enormous and he slobbered all over me, and he was just a big, goofy idiot. I could NEVER have a relationship with him!"

Then the next week, the girl had a date with a french horn player. When she got home at the end of the night her roomate again asked her how it went. The girl said, "Oh, it was fine, nothing too special....but I LOVED the way he held me!"

[Ironic Infidel In England]

HAHAHA!! loving that valerie!!

[Serenity]

haha glad to see SOMEONE appreciates my humor besides me :P

[Trademarked]

-removed- sorry.

[MoveAlong]

That isn't funny...

[Trademarked]

That isn't funny...

it's kinda funny when you're in a funny mood. if it offends anyone i'll take them down.

[Ironic Infidel In England]

Wow, that's sick. And not in any sort of a good way.

[The Resurrected One]

Person: Hey, you're a pirate!

Pirate: Yes, I am.

Person: You look so f***ing cool! You got an eyepatch, a hook, and a peg leg!

Pirate: Yes.

Person: How did you get the peg leg?

Pirate: A shark bit my leg off.

Person: Awesome! How did you get the hook?

Pirate: I lost my hand in a swordfight.

Person: Cool, dude! How did you get the eyepatch?

Pirate: A bird dropping fell into my eye.

Person: You lost your eye to a bird dropping?

Pirate: Well, it was my first day with the hook...

[Camazotz]

Lol!!! Good One!!!

[Camazotz]

Swimming to Mainland

There was a brunette, redneck, and a blonde stuck on an island. The island was 20 miles from mainland. The brunette decided she had enough, so she swam 10 miles before she said "Im too tired to go on!" So she drowned. The next day, the redneck decided she had had enough, so she swam 15 miles and said "Im too tired to go on!" So she drowned. The next day, the blonde decided she had enough. She swam 19 miles, she could even see shore but she said "Im too tired to go on!" So she swam back to the island.

The End.

[boognish]

well i gots a few, i havent posted in almost a year or more, so this might have been said but here i go:

There was a woman pregnant with triplets. She went to the bank to make a withdrawl, but there was a robber robbing the bank. She stood in the door hoping he wouldnt harm a pregnant woman. The shot her 3 times before running into his car and getting away scot free. The pregnant woman was rushed to the hospital. Luckely the bullets seemed to have not touched her 3 children and there would be no danger, the doctors felt if they tried to remove the bullets now they could endanger the children so they left them.
6 months later the woman gave birth to her triplets 2 girls and 1 boy, all healthy and happy.

16 years later, the mother feeling the shooting would be to much to tell her kid has waited until now to tell her kids of the event...

The mother was in the den reading when 1 of her daughters ran into the room crying. The mother asked "Honey whats wrong?"
The daughter replied "I....I...I...I was going to the bathroom....and...and a bullet fell out...of...my..my-"
The mother said "-Its ok I know what happened, let me explain why..." the mother then went on to explain the entire event.
3 weeks later the other daughter came in with the similar story, and again the mother told her child of the robbery. But another week later her son came into the room crying. The boy said to her "Mom, im so sorry...I was...I mean...oh god...."
The mother stopped him, "Its ok son I know, let me explain to you what happend..."
The boy stopped her "No mom I know exactly what happend....I was playing with myself and I shot the dog"

how bout them apples?

[Serenity]

hahahahaha niiiiiiiiiice

[Serenity]

Lol omg my mom told me and my brother this.....

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken leans back and smiles, and the egg rolls over and pulls the blanket over his head. And this answers the age-old question: Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

[Gavin]

i have a joke

what colour is a burp people lol

[Crazysam]

Ok you may have heard this one before if you have i'm sorry :D

A new shop opens across the road that sells husbands and a women descides to buy one so she gets in the lift and goes to floor one which is full of men who are good at parenting. She goes up a floor which is full of men who are good at parenting and are good lovers. She goes up the next floor which is full of men who are good parents and good lovers and have a high salary. She goes to the next floor and there is a sign saying this is the top floor this is full of all of the women who expect to much from a man! this room is full of women!

[boognish]

i heard a different version where the woman could go to any floor but could never go down floors, and the top floor is empty and a sign says this room is empty and is here to show no woman can be happy with any man, you are visitor 468,582. oh and there was no signs just she figured the higher she went the better it is. now, there is a male version of the joke that only fits right well better if you keep the woman version in mind:

Right across the street from the husband store opened a woman store, on the store front there was a sign "you can go up levels but never down, only straight out. you are also not allowed to re-enter the building after visiting it once." the man stepped into the building, there was another sign saying: "these women are hot" the man decided he wanted more than hot. The second sign said "these women are hot and love sex" them man said you know what im gonna keep going, so he went to the 3rd floor, the sign said "these women are hot and love sex and are rich"....floors 4 through 6 have never been visited

[Crazysam]

lol I thought I had told it wrong thanks boognish for correcting me :D

[boognish]

you didnt tell it wrong at all, i just needed it a different version to use mine :P yours is really good, especially if you dont know or cant remember the other.

[Malcolm Tucker]

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde,
I'm smart and I have a good job. I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, and I have a good job. I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.

The head stewardess asks the copilot what he said to get her to move. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

[RaisingSand]

Why did the first squirrel fall out of the tree?

- he was hit by a frisbee.

Why did the second squirrel fall out of the tree?

- he was hit by the first squirrel.

Why did the third squirrel fall out of the tree?

- PEER PRESSURE

[Aηdy]

Lol omg my mom told me and my brother this.....

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken leans back and smiles, and the egg rolls over and pulls the blanket over his head. And this answers the age-old question: Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Hahaha xD I like it :P

[Maverick]

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up. she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift box wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him!

[Serenity]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

nice!!

lol ok for all of you easily amused people like myself...


What's brown and sticky?
A stick!

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
"Fsh!"

A fish was swimming along in a river and ran into a wall. What did he say?
"Dam!"

Lol there's literally a whole book of ridiculous jokes like that, but I can't remember any more atm :P

[northskater110]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[Sugaree]

So three guys die and go to heaven talking to St.Peter at the gates.

Peter ask the first guy "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"None. I had a perfect mariage" "Ok, you get to ride heaven in a Cadillac"

Peter asks the second guy "How many times?"
"Only once" "You get to ride around in a Buick"

Peter then asks the third guy "How many times?"
"Like 12 or 13 times" "Ok. You ride heaven in a rust old rusty 1944 Ford"

So later that day the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Buick crying

He asks "What's wrong?"

"I saw my wife"

"So?"

"She was riding a skateboard!"

lol. You can't tell me that wasn't funny!

[The Resurrected One]

yeah, it was kinda good. :P

[MoveAlong]

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5499762575243313207

A fish was swimming along in a river and ran into a wall. What did he say?
"Dam!"
The first time I heard that joke I didn't get it :P

[Serenity]

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5499762575243313207


The first time I heard that joke I didn't get it :P


OMG THAT VIDEO! aaaaaaaaaahahahahahahaha

And you gotta love a little dumb humor :P

[Underground_Network]

Is Hell exothermic or endothermic?

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we have to determine the rate at which souls are entering against the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now,
Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

I took this joke off another forum site, hopefully they won't eat me. :P

[Serenity]

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahhhahahahahaha PRICELESS

[sage of craze]

A man's elbow was hurting him and he was talking about it in the workroom, asking if he should go to the doctors, a friend of his replied 'no, there's this new machine in the mall that cost only 10 dollars, takes 10 mintes and all you have to do is pour in a urine sample. The man used the machine and 10 minutes later a sheet of paper shot out saying

You have tennis elbow, soak in warm water for the next week and it will be fine

The man was mystified to the point that he decided to mess with the machine. He mixed his urine with, his wife's, his daughter's, his dog's stool, tap water, and then he ejaculated in the mixture just to be sure. He went back to the machine and waited 10 minutes. Finally a sheet of paper shot out saying:

1. Your tap water is dirty, clean your pipes
2. Your dog has worms, take him to the vet
3. Your daughter has a cocain addiction, take her to rehab
4. Your wife is pregnate, twin girls, they're not yours, get a lawer
5. Do you really expect your tennis elbow to get better if you keep playing with yourself?

[sage of craze]

A gay man, a rich man and an alcohalic all die and go to hell. After one year of begging they were allowed onto earth on one condition. The gay man couldn't have any kind of sex with men, the rich guy could not touch not one penny, and the alcohalic can not have one drop of alcohal. Well they were all walking down the street and they passed a bar, the drunk went in and decided that he was thirsty 'one drop wouldn't hurt' he drank one drop and POOF he was sent back to hell. The rich man and the gay man were still walking down the street when the rich man saw a penny. He bent down to pick it up and POOF both the rich man and the gay man were sent to hell

[The Resurrected One]

A man's elbow was hurting him and he was talking about it in the workroom, asking if he should go to the doctors, a friend of his replied 'no, there's this new machine in the mall that cost only 10 dollars, takes 10 mintes and all you have to do is pour in a urine sample. The man used the machine and 10 minutes later a sheet of paper shot out saying

You have tennis elbow, soak in warm water for the next week and it will be fine

The man was mystified to the point that he decided to mess with the machine. He mixed his urine with, his wife's, his daughter's, his dog's stool, tap water, and then he ejaculated in the mixture just to be sure. He went back to the machine and waited 10 minutes. Finally a sheet of paper shot out saying:

1. Your tap water is dirty, clean your pipes
2. Your dog has worms, take him to the vet
3. Your daughter has a cocain addiction, take her to rehab
4. Your wife is pregnate, twin girls, they're not yours, get a lawer
5. Do you really expect your tennis elbow to get better if you keep playing with yourself?

Haha, that was kinda funny.

But how did the guy get urine samples of his daughter? ;)

A gay man, a rich man and an alcohalic all die and go to hell. After one year of begging they were allowed onto earth on one condition. The gay man couldn't have any kind of sex with men, the rich guy could not touch not one penny, and the alcohalic can not have one drop of alcohal. Well they were all walking down the street and they passed a bar, the drunk went in and decided that he was thirsty 'one drop wouldn't hurt' he drank one drop and POOF he was sent back to hell. The rich man and the gay man were still walking down the street when the rich man saw a penny. He bent down to pick it up and POOF both the rich man and the gay man were sent to hell

I don't get this one. :confused:

[Maverick]

The rich man was bent down so the gay man 'took advantage' of his position. :P

[The Resurrected One]

The rich man was bent down so the gay man 'took advantage' of his position. :P


:lol3:

[Underground_Network]

^^ Lmfao :D

[Maverick]

http://i1.tinypic.com/43230aw.jpg

[Bobby]

Haha that's hilarious

[Underground_Network]

Lmfao, that is pretty funny!! At first I didn't get it... :P

[The Resurrected One]

http://i1.tinypic.com/43230aw.jpg

But I thought passwords had to be at least 5 characters! :P

[Maverick]

And since when are all websites the same? :P

[Malcolm Tucker]

Lmfao

[Trampster]

Bungee jumping is like getting head from your nan.

It feels good, unless you look down.

XD....

[Aηdy]

LMAO XD

Eww and Lol xD

[Hauptmann Kauffman]

Thats goood, lol

[Trampster]

Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.

"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.

The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"

[NextToNormal]

HEADPHONES


A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, "I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off." The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."!


NOT THAT HARD

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

[MoveAlong]

NOT THAT HARD

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

lol

I remember not getting the first one the first time I heard it :P

[The Resurrected One]

NOT THAT HARD

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

Why, who was the guy? :P

[Tatsuya]

lol.......i love the last one.......

[Malcolm Tucker]

LMFAO The 2nd one. Nice one Kirsty

[Tatsuya]

a msg that i loved sending to others!

If you read this msg,
i`m cute...
If you save this msg,
i`m so cute...
if you forward this msg,
you are telling the others that im cute..
If you delete this msg,
you`re jealous because im too cute..


XD!

[Sugaree]

Bungee jumping is like getting head from your nan.

It feels good, unless you look down.

XD....

ain't that true :lol3:

[Aηdy]

Bill Gates In Hell

Bill Gates dies and goes to Hell. Satan greets him and says, "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of fine wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner.

Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.

Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all?!?"

"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "But the bottle has a hole in it!"

"Why the PC?", he continued, ""It's got the latest version of Windows and it's missing three keys!"

"Which three?" said Lucifer.

"Control, Alt and Delete!"

[Sugaree]

:lol3:

I never thought Bill Gates would do that :D

[Sugaree]

1) I saw a fat woman that had a sweatshirt that said "guess" on it and I said "Thyroid problem?"

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked him to forgive me :D

3) I've often wanted to drown my problems but I can't get my wife to go swimming :lol:

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder :P

5) I went to a dinner that serves "breakfast all day" so I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance :D

6) A cement truck crashed with a prison van on the Kingston bypass. Motorist are asked to be on the watch for 16 hardened criminals

7) Well I was bullied at school and called different names. But one day I sayed the whole "Sticks and Bones may break my bones" thing and from then on it was sticks and stones for the rest of the year

8) My Dad use to say" fight fire with fire" so I guess that's why I got kicked off the fire brigade :rolleyes:

9) Sex is like playing Bridge: If you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand.

10) I saw six men beating a mother-in-law and my friend asked me "Aren't you going to help?" I said "No, six should be enough"

11) If we're not supposed to eat animals then why are they made of meat?:confused:

12) I think animal testing is terible; They'll get nervous and give the wrong answers :rolleyes:

13) You know that look when women give when they want sex? No, me neither :D

14) Poloticians are great people. but they should stay away from things like working for a living.

15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend

16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu. I think I've forgotten this before :rolleyes:

[Whisper]

Montana Cowboy
A young cowboy from Miles City, Montana goes off to college, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.


He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Bozeman that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'


'That's amazing!' his Dad says 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send him down here with $1,000,' the young cowboy says, 'I'll get him in the course.'


So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.


About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.


'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to
teach the animals how to read.'


'Read?!' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send $2,500. I'll get him in the class.'


The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.


'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'
'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead barmaid at the Blue Sky Café and Tavern?''


The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!'


'I sure did, Dad!'


'That's my boy!'


The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

[Serenity]

HAHAHA! Oh man, that is good.

[MoveAlong]

I came up with this
it's stupid :P

Dumb Commercial

(Fergie singing) ♪I hope you know, I hope you know, that this has nothing to do with you
it's personal, myself and I, we've got some straightening out to do
I'm not gonna miss you like a child misses that blanket
but I've got to get a move on with my life♪
♪It's time to be a big girl now, and big girl's don't cry...♪

(Announcer) Introducing the new line of Huggies brand adult diapers

(Fergie) I'm Fergie. And ♪I'm a big girl now♪

[Maverick]

http://www.cfif.org/htdocs/freedomline/cartoon-corner/Change-big.jpg

[angryhalfdemon]

Okay, I don't know if this one has already been told, but here it goes. It's a blonde joke.

Three girls die. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. They appear before a tall staircase in the clouds and look up to see god standing beside the gates to heaven. God explains that before they can reach heaven, they must climb this hundred step staircase without laughing or they will be cast into hell. The girls nod in confirmation.

The brunette heads up the staircase first. God immediately begins reciting jokes the likes of which have NEVER BEEN SPOKEN ON EARTH (take Chris Rock and multiply by a thousand). The brunette barely makes it to step 15 before falling into the sea of fire, laughing the whole way, "XD LMFAO 400 BABIES!!!!!"

Next, it's the redhead's turn. She fights hard against gods onslaught, but finally bursts into tears at step 37. "XD BWAHAHA, TEA KETTLE!!!!!"

Finally, the Blonde's turn. The blonde climbs the staircase, but to god's confusion has not so much as even flinched at his jokes. He steps it up a notch (to CHUCK NORRIS FACTS :P rofl... jk). No good. The blonde passes step 15, step 37, step 69 (lol), step 84. Finally, SUDDENLY, at the final step, she erupts into laughter. God asks, "What happened?!? You were sooo close, what made you laugh?"

* * * * *

The blonde replied, "XD I just got the joke!"

[MoveAlong]

lol ant is that supposed to be obama on the left? lolol the comic is dumb but the art is hillarious

[Kaleidoscope Eyes]

I've got a joke I always tell when someone's sugar high or hyped up on caffiene or the likes, because people always find it hilarious when they're like that. Otherwise most people don't really laugh at it. Personally, I think it's so obvious it's hilarious but no one else seems to see it that way. Its:

Q: What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the Batmobile?
A: "Robin, get into the Batmobile!"

[Gumleaf]

I've got a joke I always tell when someone's sugar high or hyped up on caffiene or the likes, because people always find it hilarious when they're like that. Otherwise most people don't really laugh at it. Personally, I think it's so obvious it's hilarious but no one else seems to see it that way. Its:

Q: What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the Batmobile?
A: "Robin, get into the Batmobile!"


haha jessi. :P:P:P

[angryhalfdemon]

I've got a joke I always tell when someone's sugar high or hyped up on caffiene or the likes, because people always find it hilarious when they're like that. Otherwise most people don't really laugh at it. Personally, I think it's so obvious it's hilarious but no one else seems to see it that way. Its:

Q: What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the Batmobile?
A: "Robin, get into the Batmobile!"

:lol: haha, nice.

Here's another.

Why don't oysters give to charity?
.
..
...because they're shellfish!

[Underage_Thinker]

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour.

Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas.

In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."

"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

[Kaleidoscope Eyes]

Here's another.

Why don't oysters give to charity?
.
..
...because they're shellfish!

Oh man, I gotta remember that one, haha.

[angryhalfdemon]

:D haha, thx

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour.

Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas.

In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."

"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

That's a good one too! :P

Okay, so a panda walks into a bar (ouch! lol, jk), sits at the bartender, and orders a beer and a ham sandwich. After eating, he immediately pulls an ak 47 from out of his fur and shoots up everyone he sees before leaving.

One customer who was hiding under a booth saw all this happen and is now saying to himself, "HOLY CRAPOLA!!! Why did that panda bear just shoot everyone.

The bartender crawls out of his hiding space. "Oh, it's what panda bears do," replied the bartender matter of factly. "Here, I'll show you." And the bartender whips out his trusty dictionary (because seriously, every bartender should have one), and shows the entry for 'panda bear' to the customer.

Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves.

[The Resurrected One]

Haha, I get it. :P ^

[Serenity]

hahaha wow. That's one of those so-corny-it's-funny jokes. Which, of course, are the best kind.

[angryhalfdemon]

lol, this is my favourite joke of all time.

"The other night, I was playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house, and five people died."

[ScotsGirl]

LOL! I like the panda one :D

xxx

[angryhalfdemon]

hah, my friend just told me this one.

What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?

~ A-flat Minor