Jokes and Riddles

[Anonymous]

no, im saying thatits cuz soem catholic or cristian priest had done that, and im catholic, dats why, im not trying to be mean to muslums, im just saying theyd find it funny.

[Dante]

muslims might find it funny, hell even catholics find it funny.

[Ravenous]

yea if your religion dosen't allow you a sense of humour then you my friend have been brain-washed :)

[<-Dying_to_Live->]

i actually just read the joke to see what all the hype about, and its funny. also the depictions of the priest as a child molestor IS ACCURATE, seeing how that GOES ON ALL THE TIME. so what's all the fuss about?

[Kiros]

ya know why?

because I can...

[moody]

well everyones complaining about the quotes being off topic/in the wrong place so here is my #1 quote

"I reject to reality and substitute my own" -Adam Savage
(myth busters)

[Anonymous]

ok, I have a joke. What's long, hard, and full of Seamen?
....................................

























A Submarene!

[Dante]

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None.

It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.





Anniversary top 10


10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.

9. Today is our what?

8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?

7. I thought we only celebrated important events?

6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.

4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.

3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.

2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.

1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.

[Dante]

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says "Mummy, what are they doing?�

The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm they are making cakes".

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkies having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes.

The next day the girl says to her mother "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night eh?�

Shocked, the Mother says "how do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa".

[Anonymous]

LOL

[Whisper]

OMFG thas nasty! grose! -shudders-

[Kiros]

LOL yes, that is indeed nasty... but its so funny :D

[Anonymous]

this is along one but here goes..........

there were 3 construction wrkers, a blond, a brunette, and a red head.
it wa slunch time, and they opened their lunches, the red head said ham sandwich ham sandwich, im sick of these darn ham sandwiches! and the brunette opened his lunch and said turkey sandwich turkey sandwich, im sick of these darn turkey sandwiches! then the blond opened his lunch and said chicken sandwich chicken sandwich im sick of these chicken sandwiches! so the next day the red hea dopened his lunch and said if i get another ham sandwich im gonna jump off the building! then the brunette said if i get another turkey sandwich im gonna jump off the building. and the blond said if i get another chicken sandwich im gonna jump off the building. the next day the red hea dgot a ham sandwich and jumped. the brunette got a turkey and jumped. the blond got a chicen and jumped. at their funerals the red heads wife said why didnt he just tell me he didnt like my ham sandwiches! and the brunettes wife said why didnt he tell me he didnt like my turkey sandwiches! and the blonds wife said, he packed his own lunch!

[Anonymous]

hahahahahahahhah!! thats pretty good:smile:

[Φρανκομβριτ]

I heared that one. it's good!

[Waiting]

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says "Mummy, what are they doing?�

The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm they are making cakes".

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkies having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes.

The next day the girl says to her mother "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night eh?�

Shocked, the Mother says "how do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa".


hahah thats ummm awesome hah

[Anonymous]

that joke was too sick for me!!! that is just disgusting!!!

[Dante]

A bartender is getting ready to close for the night when a robber bursts in and pulls a gun.

“This is a stickup!� He yells. “Put all your dough in a bag!�

“Don’t shoot,� pleads the barkeep. “I’ll do whatever you say!�

The bartender stuffs all the money into a bag and hands it over. The crook snatches it and then puts the gun to the bartender’s head and says, “All right, now give me a blow job!�

“Anything!� cries the bartender. “Just don’t shoot!�

The bartender gets on his knees and starts blowing the guy. After a few minutes, the robber gets so excited he drops his gun.

The bartender picks the gun up off the floor and hands it back to the robber. “Hold the gun, dammit,� he says. “One of my friends might walk in!�

[<-Dying_to_Live->]

http://img227.echo.cx/img227/575/creationism0dc.jpg

[Anonymous]

lmao, thas a load of bullshit.

[<-Dying_to_Live->]

what is, religion or my picture. there is nothing bs about the picture, its true and you know it

[Anonymous]

nah, theres absolutelyno proof whatsoever that everything was placed on earth the way it is. the bible has some stories that are just explanations made by people because everyone wnated an answer. noahs ark never happened. adam and eve? bullshit

[<-Dying_to_Live->]

oh ok for a second there i thought you were disagreeing with me. but you arent, so its all good :)

[Φρανκομβριτ]

yes, we don't want any fights!

[Dante]

Candy or cash



Nuns ran an orphanage for girls in a rural part of Georgia.

One day, the Mother Superior called in 3 teenage girls who were about to leave and seek their way in life.

'You have led a very sheltered life and you are going into an extremely sinful world,' she said.

'I must warn you that men will take advantage of you. They'll do anything to get their way.

They'll take you to restaurants, buy you drinks and dinner, then back to their apartments and motels where they'll undress you, do terrible things, give you twenty or thirty dollars and kick you out.'

'Excuse me, Mother,' one of the girls asked. 'You mean men will take advantage of us and give us cash?'

'Yes child, why do you ask?'

'Because the priests only give us candy!'

[Whisper]

LMFAO! its funny cause its true!!!!!

[Anonymous]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! :P :lol:

[Dante]

Deep Throat has gone public.

Yup, Paris Hilton's getting married."

-Jay Leno

[redcar]

a homeless man walks up to a woman on the street and says "i havent eaten in days" to which she replied "oh i wish i had your will power!"

[Dante]

Three nuns were talking.

The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. Last week I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.

"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.

The third nun fainted.

[ScotsGirl]

hehehehehe :D ...heres one...

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off
now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and
have a seat "

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on
the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living
room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry
and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if
we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be
in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with
that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a
portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a
bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider
her mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get
the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to
get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours,
too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.

Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just
had to pack it all in."

Mrs Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on
your, um.. equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod
and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's
much too heavy to be held in the hand very long."

With that, Mrs. Smith fainted............

:D
xxx

[Latino_Teen]

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

[Latino_Teen]

Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[Latino_Teen]

Generous lawyer



A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

[Latino_Teen]

Birds and Bees



A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?�

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.�

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.� The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?�

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.�

[Latino_Teen]

MAMA'S GIFTS



Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her thank you notes. "She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

[Anonymous]

a homeless man walks up to a woman on the street and says "i havent eaten in days" to which she replied "oh i wish i had your will power!"


hahahahaha! wow, that was really funny! infact every joke here is funny! :P

[redcar]

who is the most popular man at the nudist colony?

the one who an carry two coffees and half a dozen doughnuts

who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony?

the one who can finish the last doughnut

[ScotsGirl]

hahahahaha :D

lets see...

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely(she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

And with that, the pharmacist fainted.

:D
xxx

[redcar]

lol i luv that one

[Anonymous]

hahaha! thats awesome!

[Dante]

lol thats a good one.

[-_-rise-against-_-]

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

[6XxRazorBla6deKissesxX6]

lol thats something me daddy would do...except i dont have a sister...

[DouggyO.o]

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

hold shit that so funny!

[angus]

SOME QUOTES

When god was handing out good looks, you must have been out takin a piss.

It isn`t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone.

I think I mentioned to Bob [Geldof] I could make love for eight hours. What I didn't say was that this included four hours of begging and then dinner and a movie

Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because 'They've seen me weep, they’ve seen me laugh, and they’ve seen me hug.' These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo.

[-_-rise-against-_-]

wacth shop

A man goes into a repair shop to get his watch fixed. But when he sees that the girl running the store is extremely hot, he unzips his pants and lays his johnson on the counter.
Sir, what are you doing? This is a clock shop! the shocked girl shouts.

I know, he replies. I'd like to get a pair of hands and a face put on this



prfect breasts
A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?

"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts
just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..............."

[ScotsGirl]

hehehe :D ...hmm, lets see...

A lonely older lady, aged 75, decided it was time to get married. She put a want ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED. Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed! All applicants must apply in person.

On the second day of the ad, she heard the doorbell ring. Much to her dismay, when she opened the door, there sat a man in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
She asked sardonically, "You're not expecting me to consider you, are you? Just look at you---you have no legs!"

The old man smiled, "Therefore no chance to run around on you!" She snorted,

"You have no arms either!"

Again the old man smiled. "Nor can I beat you!"

The old lady raised her eye brows and gazed at him intensely. "Are you still good in bed?" she asked.

With a smirk he old man said, " Rang the doorbell didn't I?"

:D
xxx

[i_love_jesus]

ha lol

[quackoman]

deffinition of politics

Poli - many

tics - blood sucking creaturs

[quackoman]

i should use that as my signature

[nutteronline01]

A blonde phones the fire brigade and says her house is onfire. the fire man asks 'how do we get there?'. Helloooo! In the fucking red truck!



A mouse finds a viagra tablet on the floor and eats it, ten mins later he is strutting around the place shouting 'wheres the fucking pussy now then?'


Man goes to fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis. a lady asks him what he is supposed to be. he says a fireman, break glass pull knob and i will come as fast as i can!


woman goes to doctors and says every time i take my knickers off my vagina starts singing, is this the way to amirillo by toni christie. the doc replies dnt worry, every cunts singing it!

[Elokyn]

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

THAT was HILARIOUS!

[Latino_Teen]

http://picture.funnyjunk.com/pics/euro_vs_america.jpg
http://picture.funnyjunk.com/pics/0212.jpg
http://picture.funnyjunk.com/pics/0224.jpg

http://www.jigsawlounge.co.uk/kungfu/world/imitation.gif
http://media1.funnyjunk.com/pics/badamerica.gif
What do u think of this.

[ACDC_rocks99]

hehehe :D ...hmm, lets see...

A lonely older lady, aged 75, decided it was time to get married. She put a want ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED. Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed! All applicants must apply in person.

On the second day of the ad, she heard the doorbell ring. Much to her dismay, when she opened the door, there sat a man in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
She asked sardonically, "You're not expecting me to consider you, are you? Just look at you---you have no legs!"

The old man smiled, "Therefore no chance to run around on you!" She snorted,

"You have no arms either!"

Again the old man smiled. "Nor can I beat you!"

The old lady raised her eye brows and gazed at him intensely. "Are you still good in bed?" she asked.

With a smirk he old man said, " Rang the doorbell didn't I?"

:D
xxx

hehe, i like that, thats funny :lol:

[Latino_Teen]

hi

[nutteronline01]

whats the definition of tight? strapping a bomb to an old ladys wheel chair and telling her to run for her life.

whats the definition of tight? Walking through an orphinage singing 'we are family!'

whats the definition of tight? walking through an old people home singing 'Im gonna live forever'

whats the definition of agony? a fly sliding down a razor blade using its balls as brakes.

[quackoman]

ow

[seriously_confused]

A woman is going to have a baby and the doctor sugests a machine that will transmit some of the pain to the father. So she puts it on and sets it to 15%. Nothing happens. She sets it to 50%. Nothing happens. She thinks what the hell and sets it to full power. Nothing happens and she delivers the baby. When her and her husband get home they find the mailman lying dead on the lawn.

[Dante]

LMAO.....that was funny...


What is greater than God, more evil than the devil, the poor have it, the rich need it, and if you eat it, you'll die?

[Whisper]

What is greater than God, more evil than the devil, the poor have it, the rich need it, and if you eat it, you'll die?

Nothing

[redcar]

What happened in 1961 that will not happen again for over 4000 years?

[Dante]

I have no idea....and Cody ur correct and did you get my PM

[redcar]

The year's date reads the same when turned upside down. That will not happen again until 6009.

[Dante]

oh crap, thats scary

[redcar]

I cannot be felt, seen or touched;
Yet I can be found in everybody;
My existence is always in debate;
Yet I have my own style of music.
What Am I?

[Dante]

idk, the soul

[redcar]

yep!!

[redcar]

What do these 3 have in common?
Superman
Moses
The Cabbage Patch Kids

[seriously_confused]

Old Age

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, not really I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and have a movement every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

BOND

all thanks to ebaumsworld.com (http://www.ebaumsworld.com/)

[seriously_confused]

Blond's Thermos

A blonde was shopping and came across a silver Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.

“That’s a Thermos,� the clerk said. “It keeps some things hot and some things cold.�

“Wow,� said the blonde. “That’s amazing. I’m going to buy it!�

So she bought the Thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk.

“What do you have there?� he asked.

“Why, that’s a Thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,� she replied.

Her boss inquired, “What do you have in it?�

The blond replied, “Two popsicles and some coffee.�

BOND

another classic from ebaumsworld.com (http://www.ebaumsworld.com/)

[redcar]

What do these 3 have in common?
Superman
Moses
The Cabbage Patch Kids

they were all adopted

[Dante]

lol, thats funny

[redcar]

Whats the best thing to come out of Arkansas?

I-40

[Dante]

lol, thats mean

[redcar]

isnt it just, i am not even american and i find it funny

[Dante]

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner.

He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you, I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay... doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"

[redcar]

lmao, i luv it!!!:D

[kolte]

Whats the best thing to come out of Arkansas?

I-40

EVIL lol

[Elokyn]

lol those are funny

[Dante]

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.

Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where t he bell came to rest and bent over to pick it up.

Then all the other bells started to ring.

[Jedi]

Transplant


A man comes to the doctor and says, "m-m-m-my d-d-dick is so pressurized that I st-st-stutter."

The doctor tells him he will give him a dick transplant. He loses his 3-foot-long dick for a 4-inch-long dick.

He comes back in a week and says, "Now my wife wont have sex with me. May I have the old one back?"

The doctor replies... "A d-d-d-deal's a d-d-d-deal."
hehehehe! thats really funny

[Jedi]

The Queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

[Whisper]

The Queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Canada kicks ass

[Jedi]

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.

Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where t he bell came to rest and bent over to pick it up.

Then all the other bells started to ring.

i heard one similar 2 that but it goes liek this:

The pope just died :( and they r looking 4 a new pope, so they say that theyre *auditioning* for a new pope.

On the day, 100 ppl come.
In walks this drop-dead blonde chik. The popes assistant makes every1 take off theyre clothes and tie a bell 2 their balls, and he said, "if ur bell rings then ur out, and the last guy standing becomes pope."
So the chik starts 2 strip slowly.
She goes, "ohhh, its hot in here!" and she takes her top off. 10bells ring.
"Oooohhhh its really hot!" she takes off her bra. 40bells ring.
Then she takes off her pants. 40bells ring
Its down 2 the last 10!
she takes off her panties and 9bells ring.
the assistant 2 the pope says 2 the last guy, "congrats, ur the newpope!"
and he adds, "ur rite, it is hot in here!" and the assistant takes off his shirt."
the guys bell begins to ring

[Φρανκομβριτ]

A man tells his friend about when he went skydiving. He had a gay instructor. After everyone had jumped, he hesitated, and the instructor said to him if you don't jump, I'm going to fuck you up the ass

His friend replyed to this, why did you jump?

The man replys well, at first

[Dante]

i dont get it....

[i_love_jesus]

Whats the best thing to come out of Arkansas?

I-40


ha ha lol i live in arkansas and i evean find that funny

[i_love_jesus]

ok heres one

a travaler was walking down a road one day whene he came upone a signe that saied sister marys catholic church of prostitoution 2 miles ahead well the man thought it was a joke so he weant on soon he saw a nother sign that said sister mareys catholic church of prostitoution 1 mile ahead so thean the man started to bealive it soon he came acrose a nother sign that said sister mareys catholic church of prostitoution right here so he wqalked up to the church and noked on the door and the abby greated him the man said i have come becaous of the signs and the abby said right this way so she then lead him down a series of passegways wile nuns poked there heads out and smiled at him sooon they came to a door at the end and another nun said right through here is were all of the gurls are but first you must deposit a gold coin so the man emptied his poket and the nun said varey well go on in so the man did but to his supprise the door lead outside and right in front of him was a sign which said go in peac and conseder youreself offichaly screwed

[WelshLad]

ok heres one

a travaler was walking down a road one day whene he came upone a signe that saied sister marys catholic church of prostitoution 2 miles ahead well the man thought it was a joke so he weant on soon he saw a nother sign that said sister mareys catholic church of prostitoution 1 mile ahead so thean the man started to bealive it soon he came acrose a nother sign that said sister mareys catholic church of prostitoution right here so he wqalked up to the church and noked on the door and the abby greated him the man said i have come becaous of the signs and the abby said right this way so she then lead him down a series of passegways wile nuns poked there heads out and smiled at him sooon they came to a door at the end and another nun said right through here is were all of the gurls are but first you must deposit a gold coin so the man emptied his poket and the nun said varey well go on in so the man did but to his supprise the door lead outside and right in front of him was a sign which said go in peac and conseder youreself offichaly screwed

sorry we speak english here

[WelshLad]

A man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was
all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was
with another woman.

"No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy
that even the urinals were made of GOLD!"

She said she didn't believe him, so she called the bar.

"Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question. My husband
claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one
question; are your urinals covered in gold?"

To which she heard the bartender say, "Hey, Clarence, - I
think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone!"

[WelshLad]

"I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered
drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives
died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife was murdered."

"That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?"

"She wouldn't eat the fucking mushrooms!"

[WelshLad]

How do you know if you're in love, in lust, or really married?

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room. LUST - When
your tongues meet across a crowded room. MARRIAGE - When you
lose your child in a crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love." LUST - When
intercourse is called "screwing." MARRIAGE - What the hell are
you talking about?

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have. LUST -
When you argue over who gets the wet spot. MARRIAGE - When you
argue over money.

LOVE - When you share everything you own. LUST - When you
steal everything they own. MARRIAGE - When the bank owns
everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax. LUST - When
the relationship is over if you don't climax. MARRIAGE -
What's a climax?

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner. LUST - When
all you write is your phone number. MARRIAGE - When all you
write is checks.

LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings. LUST
- When you couldn't give a shit. MARRIAGE - When your only
concern is what's on TV.

LOVE - When your heart flutters everytime you see them. LUST -
When your groin twitches everytime you see them. MARRIAGE -
When your wallet empties everytime you see them.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you
feel. LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do
it. MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your
partner. LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO
your partner. MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your
golf score.

[WelshLad]

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.

As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the
floor and he falls down.

As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to
him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of
your stick, it wouldn't slip."

The old man snaps back, "Well, if your daddy did the same thing
seven years ago, I would have a seat today!"

[Whisper]

please just edit you're posts
don't post directly after your last

[WelshLad]

they're seperate jokes though

[Φρανκομβριτ]

I didn't find the first one very funny, but the second one was just horrible!!!

[Dante]

The story takes place in a Christian school. The teacher asks
the question, "What part of your body gets to heaven first?"

Three students raise their hand, Jenny, Jim, and little Johnny
in the back. The teacher thinks to herself, "I dont want to
call on Johnny cause he will say something bad."

So she picks on Jenny first who says, "I think your head gets
to heaven first cause you have to be smart."

The teacher then calls on Jim who says, "I think your heart
gets to heaven first cause you gotta have a good heart."

Finally Johnny is the only one with his hand up. The teacher
says to herself "Oh no, I gotta pick Johnny." She picks him and
he says, "I think your feet get to heaven first."

The relieved teacher asks him, "Why on earth do you think your
feet get to heaven first?"

Johnny says, "Cause I walked into my Mom and Dad's room last
night and my mom's feet were straight up in the air and she was
shouting 'Oh God I'm cummin'!'"

[redcar]

lmao i luv it!:D

[dying lullaby]

lmfao!!!!!

[Dante]

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself
surrounded by a blood thirsty group of cannibals. Upon
surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God,
I'm doomed!"

There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms
out: "No my son, you are NOT doomed. Pick up that stone at your
feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of
you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and attacks the chief,
feverishly bashing at his head with all his strength. He stands
above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by
100 cannibals with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again: "Okay . . . . NOW you're doomed."

[redcar]

lmao thats a good one!:D

[Dante]

A young woman said to her doctor, 'You have to help me, I hurt
all over!'

'What do you mean?' said the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and
yelled,'Ow, that hurts.'

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, 'Ouch! That
hurts, too.'

Then she touched her right earlobe. 'Ow, even THAT hurts!'

The doctor asked the woman, 'Are you a natural blonde?'

'Why yes,' she said.

'I thought so,' said the doctor. 'You have a sprained finger.'

[WelshLad]

The FBI puts an Ad in the newspaper, "Wanted FBI agents." After
sorting through all the applicants they narrow it down to
three. They bring the first in for an interview and the
interviewing agent says to the gentleman, "We are the FBI, we
solemnly do the duty of the country and always put the country
before ourselves. Anything asked of us, we must do. Whether we
like it or not. All our agents must be totally loyal." The guy
responds that he always wanted to be an FBI agent and it has
been his dream.

The agent then pulls out a gun and puts it on the table.
"Please, go into the next room where your wife is and shoot
her."

The gentleman gets a repulsed look upon his face. "I can't do
that. She is my wife and I love her with all my heart!"

The agent than says that he just isn't FBI material, but thanks
him for coming down.

They then bring in the second man. The agent goes over the
speel of loyalty for the country above all else. "I always
wanted to be an agent, my lifelong goal it was ever since I was
a school boy," he replies.

The agent than proceeds to pull out the gun and place it on the
table. "Please, go into the next room and shoot your wife," FBI
agent says, calmly.

The man than replies, "I can't do that, although we have our
problems, I can't kill her. She is the mother of my three
kids...she's just too important."

The agent offers his respect, but with regret tells him that he
just isn't FBI material.

Finally, the third gentleman is brought in. They go over the
speel and the agent puts the gun on the table and asks him to
go shoot his wife. The man nods, takes the gun and enters the
next room.

Five or six shots are heard and then are proceeded by sounds of
things slamming into the wall, tables splintering and
shattering, muffled screams and metal bending. The FBI agent
runs to the room with astonishment and confusion on his face.

"What did you do?"

The man calmly replies, "The gun was full of blanks, so I had
to beat her to death with a chair!"

[redcar]

lmao thats a good one!

[Trademarked]

ohhh that one just makes me sad....
but all the other ones are hilarious!!!

[WelshLad]

sad?

[WelshLad]

**Don't read if you're offended by blonde jokes**







What do you get if a blonde and a youth deliquent have a kid?

Someone who graffitis on a chain link fench

[redcar]

lol thats good!

[Trademarked]

whats black, white, red, and cant turn around in a phone booth?









a nun with a javelin through her back

[WelshLad]

Mum caught little Johnny jerking his meat off one day.

She told him - "Johnny dearest, good boys save it till they're
18."

Johnny did. And by 18, he had 11 jars full!

[WelshLad]

Why did the Priest wear underwear in the shower?

He didn't want to look down on the unemployed

[Underage_Thinker]

Ha ha ha thats good :lol:

[JOKE EDITED OUT BY WelshLad - Extreme Offence Taken]

[Ravenous]

Ohh don't get me started on dead baby jokes... :D I love them! My sence of humour is fairly disturbing.

[Underage_Thinker]

Sorry to everybody this offended

[WelshLad]

That's fucking sick. I know people whose babies have died and i am not fucking impressed.

[Kiros]

OK, Underage thinker, you are one sick bastard. My niece was born stillbirth...

Watch it now, it was disturbing, but don't cause a fight.

And Underage_Thinker, don't post anything similar to that again. Jokes and riddles are one of the calm parts of VT; please respect that.

[WelshLad]

It was more than fucking disturbing. I want something done about him.

[Underage_Thinker]

wo ok my bad didnt know it would offend u so much sorry :?
I just have a messed up sence of humor. I honestly woudnt ove done it if i thought it would offend sombody.

[boeder]

How would you know if something was mis-spelt in the dictionary? he He

[WelshLad]

umm you'd look it up in the diction...aha very clever

[Underage_Thinker]

Well if everybody was cool they would have like a atomic dictionary.witch would be like a 10000 page dictionary that has every word and is never wrong. :D

[WelshLad]

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?''
"No," the farmer said.

The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''

"No."

The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''

The farmer shot Chuck.

[redcar]

lmao thats good

[WelshLad]

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

[Underage_Thinker]

:lol: Thats good

[WelshLad]

Uh...top 10 things not to say to a naked man:

10: Awww...that's cute
9. Well, at least you're good at other things
8. Do you think it'll fit in my old Barbie® clothes?
7. My li'l brother has one like that.
6. Are you cold?
5. ::giggles::
4. Maybe we should just be friends
3. Can you make it dance?
2. Umm...maybe you should get dressed
1. Oh...look...its hiding!

[redcar]

lmao

[WelshLad]

Did you hear about the redneck who was shootin craps?

He blew a hole in the toilet.

[Underage_Thinker]

Iamo thats good :) Rednects or so funny

[Aηdy]

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone,brick on accelerator:
California

With gun in lap:
L.A.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat:
Italy

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game:
Seattle

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window:
Texas city male

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road:
Texas country male

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment:
Texas female

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car:
Colorado

One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter:
Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna:
West Virginia male.

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on:
Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as "no-see-um"

[Aηdy]

You recycle your own toilet paper

* Your mom has to shave more times a month than your dad

* You see a bill board that says "Don't do crack" and it reminds you to pull up your pants.

* You stare at a carton of orange juice because it says "concentrate."

* Your bumper sticker reads: "One more Whore and We Get Gore."

* The nativity scene you set up in your yard at Christmas includes two pink flamingos and baby Jesus lying in a painted tire.

* Most of your teeth are on a chain around your neck.

* You hunt from your bedroom window.

* Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.

* You refrigerate your food stamps.

* You use a 10 penny nail to pick your teeth after a night of road kill.

* You have ever dressed your child as a "Snot-rag" for Halloween.

* Your idea of a loaded dishwasher is getting your wife drunk.

* You and your spouse get divorced and you are still relatives.

* You go to your local ice cream store and order Copenhagen "sprinkles" on your cone.

* You know instinctively that red wine goes with opossum.

* You're always looking to find your Mother-in-Law's picture on the back of a milk carton!

* The officer that just pulled you over asks if "you have any I.D."..and you respond "About whut?"

* You take a beer to a job interview.

* You are caught roll'n your trailer down the street to jump start the heater.

* When you finish eatin' your bologna you use the rind for dental floss.

* You go to Goodwill to meet women.

* You and your friends are putting an engine in a pickup, drinking beer, and the conversation is: Which county jail has the best food!

[Underage_Thinker]

Lol :lol:

Are those you might be a redneck if..... jokes?

[Aηdy]

they sure are ;)

[Toongig]

How do you get a one armed blonde down from the tree?

Wave to her?

What does a blonde say after sex?
"Who are you guys?"

[Aηdy]

read my sig: its funny, ish!


\/ \/ \/ \/ \/

[WelshLad]

Lmao I love Ali G - the film's awesome. Je m'appelle Ali - j'habite ÃÂ* Staines

[Melchi0r]

I don't mean to offend blondes, but:

There was a blonde in the middle of a field, trying to canoe. Another blonde walking by saw her and yelled, "What's the matter with you! It's you stupid blondes that are giving the other blondes bad names! If I could swim, I'd come out there and kill you!"

[i_love_jesus]

i think this one joke is realy funny



A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" She exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" He exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing" She asked.

He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

[DouggyO.o]

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?


Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where.

Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

[Scar]

what does man love more than life, fear more than death or mortal strife, what the poor have, the rich require, and what contented men desire, what misers spend, and spendthrifts save, and all men carry to the grave? what is the answer.

[DouggyO.o]

is it guns or food?

[Scar]

no sorry, pm me if you give up and want the answer.

[Charlotte]

what does man love more than life, fear more than death or mortal strife, what the poor have, the rich require, and what contented men desire, what misers spend, and spendthrifts save, and all men carry to the grave? what is the answer.

nothing

[Scar]

yep you got it is nothing, what about this one.>>>>> the part of the bird that is not in the sky, which can swim in the ocean and always stay dry. what is it?

[R_master]

it's shadow

[Scar]

yep its a shadow but what about about this one. oh i must strive with the wind and wave, battle them both when under the sea. i feel out the bottom, a foreign land. iu lying still, i am strong in the strife; if i fail in that, they are stronger than i, and wrenching me loose, soon put me to rout. they wish to capture what i must keep. i can master them both if my grip holds out, if the rocks bring succour and lend support, strength in the struggle. ask me my name! what is it?

[Chrono]

starfish?

[kolte]

or is it sea sponge lol

[Scar]

no not a starfish nor a sponge. clue it is on a ship.

[kolte]

sail

[Scar]

no a sail is not put in the sea

[kolte]

or is it? muahahaha

[R_master]

errrr the rudder? :?

[kolte]

anchor?

[Scar]

yep an anchor. this one is easy. what gets wetter the more it dries?

[R_master]

a towel

[DouggyO.o]

yes a towel, that one was easy

[Charlotte]

How come blondes can't count past 70?

[Scar]

dont know, i dont see how to answer it

[Aηdy]

How come blondes can't count past 70?

not sure about that one!!

[Charlotte]

hahahaha someone should get it

[kolte]

it's cos 69 is already a bit of a mouthful

[Charlotte]

hahahah yup

NEXT!!!!!

[i_love_jesus]

how do you drown a blound?

[Aηdy]

you cant cos of the fake boobs lol

[Just...Will]

Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

[i_love_jesus]

correct

[Aηdy]

haha good one lol :P

[Bobby]

Mom has 2 daughters , 1 son.

One daughter asks Mom "Why'd u name me Violet"
Mom:" When you were born a violet dropped on ur head."
Other doaughter askes Mom :" Why'd you name me rose?"
Mom:" Becuase when u were born a rose dropped on ur head.

The son says "looaskfdsdfgfkjghfkgfjhdgkjgh (sounding retarded)"
Mom shouts :SHUT UP BRICK!!!"

[Aηdy]

Jack's Mother had four sons: 1st one was called; North. 2nd; South. 3rd; East, what was the fourth one called

[DouggyO.o]

west, how is that funy?

[Aηdy]

it is funny.. kinda.. your just wrong

[seriously_confused]

The fourth son is Jack. :disgust: :drool:

[TheWizard]

lol :) :):):)

[wadeexpo]

holy crap i actually finished all 38 pages..

ok heres the most twisted, vile, sadistic joke ever: (non offensive.. unless you are protective of bananas)

knock knock
whos there?
banana
banana who?
knock knock
whos there???
banana
banana who???
knock knock
WHO THE **** IS THERE?!?!?!?!???
orange
ORANGE WHO?!?!?!?!???
orange you glad i didnt say ba-
*at this point the knocker is hit in the head with a shovel*

lol told you it was evil and twisted etc

[Whisper]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold"

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy says, "$500"The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that ... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going To take you to church and make you confess your greed." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."The priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you're in MY closet now."

[redcar]

lmao i love that one!!:D

[kolte]

now that is a good joke.
*laughs silently*

[Bobby]

hahah those are funny... This is dumb but, A blonde, her friend, and a guy were in a restaurant. The blondes friend's name is Sexy. so the guy who is the blonde's boyfriend goes up to sexy and say's "hey Sexy" the blonde slaps him her boyfriend

[Charlotte]

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?" "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away.
The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?" "Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.
The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, what is the best thing I can do to help the country?" "Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades from sight.
Bush isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?" Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."

[Latino_Teen]

that one is funny

[redcar]

lol thats a good one!:D

[Charlotte]

thanks, i liked it too

[0=]

Alright boys, today we're going to play submarine. Your mission is to navigate your way into that small cave, fire all torpedoes, and get the hell outta there. This is a very important mission, and we can't afford for any of you to get soft on us.

[Whisper]

Damn Checking Account

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated
in this bank."


The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.

The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to
that foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old
geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200
million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my damn money in this damn bank."

"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

[Bobby]

hahaha that is good. I liked it!!

[Just...Will]

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance:
1. A dog 2. A donkey 3. A shovel 4. A fish 5. A Star of David
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."
Suddenly, a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left. Now, look again, It now says: HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"

[DouggyO.o]

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK.

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS.
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS....................................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO...
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!

[Bobby]

Hehheheheh.. Why can't I tell good jokes!!!

[Aηdy]

haha thats quite a good one!

[MoveAlong]

Accidental double post; pressed the button two times.

[MoveAlong]

Ok, i've got a really funny one:

Whats blue and fluffy? ......blue fluff! - just kidding that was only there so the rest seem funnier j/k :D

Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money. :D

Q. What does a women do with her ass in the morning???
A. She makes him a sandwich and sends him to work....

Ok, i've got more :D :

More gay banter.....
Four men got together at a reunion. All of them had sons and they started discussing them.
The first man said his son was doing so well, he now owned a factory, manufacturing furniture. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a whole house full of brand new furniture.
The second man said his son was doing just as well. He was a manager at a car sales firm. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a Ferrari.
The third man said his was doing well too. He was a manager at a bank. Why,just the other day he gave his best friend a the money to buy a house.
The fourth man just shook his head. He said his son was gay and hadn't amounted to much. But he must be doing something right because, just the other day he was given a house, furniture and a Ferrari by his friends!

A little known Christmas fact....

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress!

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree?
Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

:D If some of these have already been posted...im sorry :D .
I am so tired but I looked around this thread and these are the best ones! And all in one post! Good job :) I like 'em.

[nachtspiegel]

I found this one in a MySpace bulletin.


The mom calls the husband a "bastard"
and then the dad calls the wife a "bitch"
and billy goes to his mom and says "mom what's a bitch and a bastard?"
and the mom says "well, a bitch is a lady and a bastard is a gentlemen
and then later billy goes outside and hears his neighbors, and hears "Put your penis in my vagina!"
So Billy goes to his mom and says "mom whats a penis and vagina?"
His moms says "Well Billy, a penis is a hat and a vagina is a coat"
and then later billy sees his dad shaving and cuts himself and says "Shit"
and billy said "Dad, whats shit"
And then his dad says
"Well billy, Shit is a type of Shaving cream "
and then billy goes to see his mom cutting the turkey and his mom cuts her finger and says "fuck!"
and then billy says to his mom "Mom whats fuck?"
"Well billy fuck is a way cutting the turkey"

and Then later the guests arrive and billy goes to them and says


"Hello bitchs and bastards, may i take your penis's and vaginas,
my dad's upstairs wipeing the shit off his face, and my mom is fucking the Turkey"..

[nachtspiegel]

One day, a 2nd grade teacher decided to teach her class about sex ed.

She draws a penis on the chalkboard and asks the class if they know what it is.

Johnny says 'yes', 'my daddy has two, a short skinny one he uses to pee, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth'

[MoveAlong]

HAHAHAHAHAHAH :lol2:

[Whisper]

Bars can be a nasty place
I went to one last night
a preist a molester and a pedofile walked in
...and that was just the first guy

[nachtspiegel]

(from snopes.com determined to be false but still funny)

Pregnant Lady on the Bus

Actual true story/Australian Court Docket 12659, Case of the Pregnant Lady

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed a man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the man's smile turned into a grin, so she move again. The man seemed more amused. When she moved for the fourth time, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. (Only in Australia)

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man, (about 20 years old), what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, THE DOUBLEMINT TWINS ARE COMING, and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, LOGAN'S LINIMENT WILL REDUCE THE SWELLING, I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign than said, WILLIAMS BIG STICK DID THE TRICK, I could hardly contain myself.

But, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, GOODYEAR RUBBER COULD HAVE PREVENTED THIS ACCIDENT, I just lost it.

The case was dismissed.

[boognish]

these might upset some people so hold onto your hats:

what did god say after he made the second black guy?
Damn, i burnt another one

how can you tell you were robbed by a mexican?
Your bike is missing and your dog is pregnant

whats the difference between micheal jackson and pimples?
pimples dont come on your face till your 13

What happens when a jewish man with a raging hard-on runs full speed into a wall?
He breaks his nose.

why did the irish guy refuse to be a jehovas witness?
Because he didn't see the accident ...

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob

Why did the gay guy get fired from his job at the spermbank?
He was caught drinking on the job ...
(its messed up, its cruel, but hey, its funny)

Why do Iraquies carry shit in their wallets?
For identification.

What do elephants use for tampoons?
Sheep.

These are some jokes from a book i found on the net called: 70 offensive jokes, i didnt make these, but i did laugh

[Whisper]

Bahahahahahahaha!
mean
cruel
racist
but fuckin hillarious