Jokes and Riddles

[Falcons_11]

I'm going to tell a Cajun joke. My apologies to my cousin who live "on da bayou".

CAJUNS vs. TEXAS AGGIES.

Hippolite Broussard was sitting in a bar in Port Fouchon, Louisiana having a beer. He looks at these dudes sitting next to him and asks, "Bai, you wanna heard a good Aggie joke, man"?

The big dude replied, "Look man, I'm a oil field roughneck and I weigh over 250 pounds and I don't like cajuns. My buddy here is a former pro football player and he weighs over 300 pounds and he don't like cajuns. My other friend sitting next to him weight 325 pounds and he is meaner than a hive of killer wasps and he doesn't like cajun either. We all graduate from Texas A&M. Still wanna tell us that Aggie joke?"

Hippolite, all 150 pounds of Cajun attitude, tells him, "Bai, tonnade mes chiens, guess not. I don't want to have to explain it tree times!"

[Falcons_11]

How did the doctor cured a nun of hiccups?

He told her she was pregnant!

[Stronk Serb]

John and Pete are soldiers on the battlefield and it's night time. A bomb falls and blows Pete to bits and John yells: Pete, where are you!?
Pete: Everywhere!

[Faith Collapsing]

What do you call a sardine in space?

Dead.

[Beltane1001]

how many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

fish

[benster]

Why did the chicken cross the playground

To get to the other swing 😁

[EthanK]

Haha lol

[benster]

Haha lol

Good joke Ethan 😜😜

[Falcons_11]

Riddle:

What goes up and never comes down?

Answer: Your age.

[TheMagicPotato]

What did the Spartan Soldier do to the cannibal that eated his annoying wife.

Nothing, he's Gladiator.

(Quick tip, read the punchline slowly.)

[InternetTeen]

A teacher told me this one ages ago

Did you hear about the shortsighted Mohel?
He got the sac

What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off

[Tim the Enchanter]

What did the Spartan Soldier do to the cannibal that eated his annoying wife.

Nothing, he's Gladiator.

(Quick tip, read the punchline slowly.)

Haha

[Dis_boiii]

I come in all shapes and sizes and drip when you blow on me.
What am I?

A candle!

[Gay Paul]

what do you think about this gif I found on the internet? I think it's funny*
https://img.sadistic.pl/pics/afadfe7244cb.gif

[Spooky_Eli]

how many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

five, one to screw it in, four more to "experience" it.

[abcdeqwe]

what do you think about this gif I found on the internet? I think it's funny*
image (https://img.sadistic.pl/pics/afadfe7244cb.gif)

Since when do dogs chance laser pointers is all that I’m thinking.

[abcdeqwe]

What do you do when a chemist

You Barium (Barium is an element)

[Spooky_Eli]

just a meme...
https://randomoverload.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/53e9bb03e7played.jpg.jpg
(https://randomoverload.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/53e9bb03e7played.jpg.jpg)

[Adamant]

Some guys were discussing the best place to have sex. One guy said when you are camping. Nobody believed him until he explained. When you go camping you can always guarantee an "in tents" experience for you and your partner.

[ska8er]

What did bacon say to tomato?

Lettuce get together

[Adamant]

What did the middle eastern cheese say when it looked in the mirror?
Hallou mi

[abcdeqwe]

Say u start the year with the coldest month but end the year with the hottest, how is this possible?


Climate Change

[Spooky_Eli]

what do you call a group of people who blindly believe there leader(s)?

A Cult!

[PlasmaHam]

If 666 is the number of evil, does that mean that 25.81 is the 'root of all evil'?

[Spooky_Eli]

three jokes born the one above my ones, the one above 1 and a typo.

1.
what has 7 heads, 11 horns, 666 tattooed somewhere no one wanna see and the whore of Babylon on its back?

yo mamma (sue me)

2.
who's the atheist who knows his scripture and holds reasonably right wing beliefs so folks to i convert to atheism don't feel like there swapping god for a ragime of bullshit?

this guy.

3.
#iconvert, the latest product from apple is there most Orwellian yet!

[ska8er]

Why doesn't Santa have any kids?
He comes only once a year.

[Adamant]

Whats the name of Santa's wife?
Mary Christmas?

[WHATWOULDYOUDOFORLUV]

If you walk a mile south then a mile east, then a mile north and end up back where you started ......where are you.????







The north pole

[InternetTeen]

What do Mexicans think about Trumps wall?

They'll get over it

[Spooky_Eli]

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.... she hugged me

[Karalectric]

https://i.imgur.com/b2NvwuU.jpg

[abcdeqwe]

What do u do when a chemist dies?

You barium

:D :D :D

[Adamant]

How did the constipated mathmatician solve his problem?
He worked it out using pencil and paper.

[Spooky_Eli]

How did the constipated mathmatician solve his problem?
He worked it out using pencil and paper.ewwwww

[Karalectric]

https://i.imgur.com/m2nKsMy.jpg

[Karalectric]

https://i.imgur.com/9je5YKM.jpg

[InternetTeen]

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

[Spooky_Eli]

"so I'm in my local Cracker Barrel tihs morning, and I take my seat and there's the menu in front of me. so i take one look at the cover of the menu, then I put it down and look around the place for a bit, cos It's a nice place yknow?
So,the waitress walked up to me and she goes "May I take your order Sir?" I reply saying certanetly,
Then I take one look up at the waitress, then one at my menu cover, and I look back up at the waitress and stere deep into her eyes and say...
"I'd like to order a Barrel of Crackers please."
"um sir, we don't-"
"don't you 'we don't' me" i snap back "It says it right here on the menu look here." i say pointing my finger at the Cracker Barrel logo on the menu...

So. There I was, 20mins later, With a Barrel of Fucking Crackers.

[Karalectric]

Q: What does cheese say when it has its picture taken?
A: "PEOPLE!!!"

[Adamant]

Why did the tide turn?
It was embarrassed when the seaweed.

[abcdeqwe]

The past present and future walked into a bar...
It was tense :D

[Karalectric]

https://i.imgur.com/olXkhT5.jpg

[Knightley]

what is 6.9?

another good thing ruined by a period :P:P:P

[Karalectric]

https://i.imgur.com/UsiSuRx.jpg

[Adamant]

I saw a chicken looking at a lettuce leaf.
It looked cute so I decided to paint a picture of it.
I called it Chicken Ceasar salad.

[Codeblue]

What do you call a muddy chicken that crosses the road twice?


A dirty double crosser....

[Karalectric]

f3EcsD8g35g

[KAG2020]

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

[Karalectric]

pageninetynine i thought you would appreciate this joke :P

https://i.imgur.com/YXCA9lj.jpg

[abcdeqwe]

pageninetynine i thought you would appreciate this joke :P

image (https://i.imgur.com/YXCA9lj.jpg)

:D:D:D:D:lol::lol::lol::lol:

I don’t have a joke :whoops:

[Spooky_Eli]

:D:D:D:D:lol::lol::lol::lol:

I don’t have a joke :whoops:

Try this out as a follow-up,
C0jb9zWd4n4

[Karalectric]

XGBZs7PzSbI

[ska8er]

What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?
The more you play with it the harder it gets.

[abcdeqwe]

My social life!! :lol3:

[Karalectric]

https://i.imgur.com/aBe5N8s.jpg

[Karalectric]

https://i.imgur.com/bhcRUkX.jpg

[Adamant]

A cannibal took my ex to a Russel Crowe film

Gladiator?

Not really, I still fancied her.

[InternetTeen]

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and use some lubricant

[Karalectric]

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and use some lubricant

Wow. Just.... wow. lol

[InternetTeen]

I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.
He hypnotized 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "F**k me!"

[abcdeqwe]

What has roots as nobody sees,
Is taller than trees,
Up, up it goes,
And yet never grows?

A mountain :)

[InternetTeen]

What has roots as nobody sees,
Is taller than trees,
Up, up it goes,
And yet never grows?

A mountain :)

Isn't that one of Gollums riddles??

[abcdeqwe]

Isn't that one of Gollums riddles??

Yes it is :P

U a Lotr and hobbit fan?

[InternetTeen]

Yes it is :P

U a Lotr and hobbit fan?

Yeah kinda. I prefer LOTR

[abcdeqwe]

Yeah kinda. I prefer LOTR

Well of course, lotr is a masterpiece, to me at least

[Adamant]

A sciience q.

How do you make a hormone?

A couple of possibilities.....

Do it and don't pay or .... be a considerate lover.:whoops:

[Karalectric]

What has roots as nobody sees,
Is taller than trees,
Up, up it goes,
And yet never grows?

A mountain :)

:clap:

Well then...

What have i got in my pocket? ;) :P

[Shaythen]

:clap:

Well then...

What have i got in my pocket? ;) :P

A wocket? lol

[abcdeqwe]

:clap:

Well then...

What have i got in my pocket? ;) :P

My... preccciouss :D

[Karalectric]

A wocket? lol

No sorry, the correct answer is
"It isn't fair, my precious, is it, to ask us what it's got in it's nassty little pocketsess?”

[Karalectric]

https://i.imgur.com/DxEO8zg.jpg

[InternetTeen]

Why aren't the England football team allowed to own a dog?
Because they can't hold on to a lead.

[Karalectric]

https://i.imgur.com/qVEP7A7.jpg

[Adamant]

Just to remind everyone what a terrible sense of humour i have a couple of kid topical jokes....
Why shouldn't you go to a Halloween party as a skeleton?
You will have no body todance with.
What food should you never give to a vampire?
Stake.
I will now duck as you throw things at me.

[Adamant]

What do you say to a guy you see in the changing rooms wearing clingfilm underpants.?....

.... I can clearly see your nuts:lol:

[Natacha]

A salesman knocks on the door of a house. The door opens, and there’s a 5 year old boy standing there with a cigar and a glass of brandy.
The salesman looks at the little boy and goes: “Hello little boy”
Little boy: “Alright?”
Salesman: “Are your mum and dad in?”
Little boy: “Does it look like they are?”

- Phil Jupitus

[Gazebo]

This is a joke I made up myself:

What do you call a comedian from Persia?

Farsi-tious (a play on the word “facetious”)

[Adamant]

This is a joke I made up myself:

What do you call a comedian from Persia?

Farsi-tious (a play on the word “facetious”)

Or maybe Farsi-cal:lol:

My offering...…..
Why did the sailors stop playing cards?...…….
because the captain came on the deck

[Karalectric]

Why can't you trust atoms?

BECAUSE THEY MAKE UP EVERYTHING

[MaximalGuardian]

How did Obamas know they have COVID?

They couldn't smell what Barack is cooking!

Get it? :lol: