Sometimes I'm Suicidal

[SawyerSauce]

I've been very depressed for about the last three weeks. I have been diagnosed with depression, but my doctors don't know how bad it is. They ask if I ever have thoughts of hurting myself and I tell them no but the truth is I do almost every day. I wake up and I don't want to live. I don't want to be here. I am so tired of being tired. I am tired of trying so hard and then people calling me lazy and useless and stupid. I know I could do better in school and nicer to my family but it's hard when all you want to do is lie in bed and die. Usually when I get depressed I don't feel this bad. I get depressed but know that it will be over and that I have a future and killing myself is stupid. I don't feel that way this time. I don't care because the desire to just give up is so strong.

I am trying my hardest. I don't know what to do. I don't want attention. I don't want people to worry about me. I don't want people to know that I am weak and vulnerable.

But I admit it, I need help.

[Castle of Glass]

hey hey hey.

Its ok. we all need help some point in our lives. I dropped a class i liked in school, orchestra, because it was too triggering. I know what you mean. but you must realize, your an amazing person, your smart, beautiful, funny, and simply amazing. i know it is hard when your family isn't nice toward you. don't give into the desire. it isn't worth it. i would say talk to a counselor, but i know that that didn't work for you. So, what i say, is talk with us. we will listen.

i know you don't want attention. but telling us, you won't be labeled for being an attention whore. because you aren't.

[SawyerSauce]

hey hey hey.

Its ok. we all need help some point in our lives. I dropped a class i liked in school, orchestra, because it was too triggering. I know what you mean. but you must realize, your an amazing person, your smart, beautiful, funny, and simply amazing. i know it is hard when your family isn't nice toward you. don't give into the desire. it isn't worth it. i would say talk to a counselor, but i know that that didn't work for you. So, what i say, is talk with us. we will listen.

i know you don't want attention. but telling us, you won't be labeled for being an attention whore. because you aren't.

I don't know if I can do this anymore.

[Castle of Glass]

I don't know if I can do this anymore.

you can. I know you can. find an outlet. be it writing poetry, drawing, playing video games. anything.

[Gigablue]

Don't lie to your doctors. If you want to get better, you have to be one hundred percent honest with your doctors. Tell them everything.

I know how hard this is. I've been there before. But hiding the truth will only delay treatment and make the problem worse.

Your doctor won't judge you. They just want to help you get better. Everything you say is confidential. They can't legally tell anyone about anything that goes on between you unless you give permission.

The sooner you tell your doctor how you actually feel, the sooner you can get the treatment you need.

[1_21Guns]

Like Gigablue said you need to tell them, to be honest when I got diagnosed I went in with a handwritten letter to show her how I was actually feeling because when I talk I have a tenancy to dumb things down, dismissing them and making them sound like they aren't important. Try doing that? That way it's written down, you can't really avoid it. I know exactly how you feel with the not wanting people to worry or know that you're weak and vulnerable but it's okay to be that, and it's okay to feel that way. Like Niilo said you're a wonderful person and it's okay to get help, I was stubborn as hell for years but I feel a lot better now. You'll be okay :hug3:

[SawyerSauce]

Like Gigablue said you need to tell them, to be honest when I got diagnosed I went in with a handwritten letter to show her how I was actually feeling because when I talk I have a tenancy to dumb things down, dismissing them and making them sound like they aren't important. Try doing that? That way it's written down, you can't really avoid it. I know exactly how you feel with the not wanting people to worry or know that you're weak and vulnerable but it's okay to be that, and it's okay to feel that way. Like Niilo said you're a wonderful person and it's okay to get help, I was stubborn as hell for years but I feel a lot better now. You'll be okay :hug3:

Thank you Nat! A letter is a great idea. I get anxiety when I try to talk about these kinds of things.

[1_21Guns]

Thank you Nat! A letter is a great idea. I get anxiety when I try to talk about these kinds of things.

me too, I either can't talk or like I said completely dismiss all of it into nothingness. The trick is (or at least in my case) write it, but do not read it afterwards, I knew if I did I'd take important bits out or decide not to give it her, good luck :)

[CosmicNoodle]

I feel like that sometimes. So i started a journal of my days, how i feel, what's happening. Sounds stupid but it really did help juts to be able to write down how i feel. No one will ever see them as they are locked deep inside my computers hard drive in a file that no one even knows exists and should not.
But go to a doctor like Nat said, they are much better than a journal.