AlinCali
October 12th, 2013, 03:02 PM
I have anxiety. It all stems back from when I was little. 7 months ago, I got into a relationship with an incredible girl. We had sooooo much in common and we cared about each other on so many different levels. The relationship seemed to be so incredibly healthy.
We never fought and rarely had disagreements. She goes to another school in the district but we work a shift together at a crisis center once a week so we always had a chance to see each other no matter how busy our schedules were. Because of my anxiety, I am somewhat needy in relationships. I need reminders that I am cared about (a simple <3 in a facebook chat works wonders) and I was afraid often that she was upset (common anxiety fear), so I would always like to check in with her about whether she was upset based on certain things she said. Well, she would get defensive and not want to talk for long periods of time because she believed I was calling her out (I just wanted some clarification so I could feel better). Eventually, after 6 months of dating, we had one of these instances and she said she was considering breaking up with me but wasn't going to do it unless it was in person. At this point we had a break from work so I wasn't going to see her for two weeks. These two weeks were pure torture as she was quiet and wouldn't say much when we were talking.
I saw the signs and talked to a few close friends about everything. By the day she dumped me, I felt I was in acceptance. Since we were best friends before the relationship, we agreed we wanted to stay best friends. Things were fine, although I was still a bit hurt. I did certain things to help myself (I stopped looking at her tumblr because when I did I saw I was being replaced) and I unfriended on FB that guy that she likes now because we never talked and all it was doing was increasing my anxiety by making me want to check whether he was online when she was not responding to me quickly. Things were getting better.
Well the other night, I was having a tough time with some stuff, and my ex linked me to a tumblr thing she did and I saw some other stuff she posted, and I became sad. I kinda wanted some kind of affection (her saying she still cares about me which she has continuously said) but she wasn't really responding. Then she said "You see, this is why I broke up with you. I can't take on all your problems too" and she eventually said we needed time apart and now last night she sent me a long thing about how she didn't want to talk for awhile.
"i had a breakdown last night bc of how upset i was about all this, and i can't afford to have it happen again anytime soon. i'm already busy and stressed as it is, and getting upset about other stuff isn't going to help me out when it comes to school and college apps. i'm sorry if i've been insensitive, but i'm just trying to take care of myself, so i honestly don't want to talk to you for a while. i'll let you know if/when we can talk at length, but it won't be anytime soon.
it's not that i'm not trusting you to do this, i just can't afford to take any more chances when i have a college app due in 3 weeks that i've barely started, and my grades keep going down, and i feel like s**t all the time not necessarily because of you, though yesterday you were a main reason. i can't do that. i was planning to get a lot of s**t done yesterday that i never did because i cried for hours, i'm not trying to guilt you or anything, i'm just giving you the facts because we both know that's what i always do.
you have anxiety issues, i know that and i accept that. you need help from people who aren't me, because i can NOT help you effectively. i really can't."
Now I am just really hurt because she has been the person I have went to for everything and I don't know what to do without her. She's my best friend.
We never fought and rarely had disagreements. She goes to another school in the district but we work a shift together at a crisis center once a week so we always had a chance to see each other no matter how busy our schedules were. Because of my anxiety, I am somewhat needy in relationships. I need reminders that I am cared about (a simple <3 in a facebook chat works wonders) and I was afraid often that she was upset (common anxiety fear), so I would always like to check in with her about whether she was upset based on certain things she said. Well, she would get defensive and not want to talk for long periods of time because she believed I was calling her out (I just wanted some clarification so I could feel better). Eventually, after 6 months of dating, we had one of these instances and she said she was considering breaking up with me but wasn't going to do it unless it was in person. At this point we had a break from work so I wasn't going to see her for two weeks. These two weeks were pure torture as she was quiet and wouldn't say much when we were talking.
I saw the signs and talked to a few close friends about everything. By the day she dumped me, I felt I was in acceptance. Since we were best friends before the relationship, we agreed we wanted to stay best friends. Things were fine, although I was still a bit hurt. I did certain things to help myself (I stopped looking at her tumblr because when I did I saw I was being replaced) and I unfriended on FB that guy that she likes now because we never talked and all it was doing was increasing my anxiety by making me want to check whether he was online when she was not responding to me quickly. Things were getting better.
Well the other night, I was having a tough time with some stuff, and my ex linked me to a tumblr thing she did and I saw some other stuff she posted, and I became sad. I kinda wanted some kind of affection (her saying she still cares about me which she has continuously said) but she wasn't really responding. Then she said "You see, this is why I broke up with you. I can't take on all your problems too" and she eventually said we needed time apart and now last night she sent me a long thing about how she didn't want to talk for awhile.
"i had a breakdown last night bc of how upset i was about all this, and i can't afford to have it happen again anytime soon. i'm already busy and stressed as it is, and getting upset about other stuff isn't going to help me out when it comes to school and college apps. i'm sorry if i've been insensitive, but i'm just trying to take care of myself, so i honestly don't want to talk to you for a while. i'll let you know if/when we can talk at length, but it won't be anytime soon.
it's not that i'm not trusting you to do this, i just can't afford to take any more chances when i have a college app due in 3 weeks that i've barely started, and my grades keep going down, and i feel like s**t all the time not necessarily because of you, though yesterday you were a main reason. i can't do that. i was planning to get a lot of s**t done yesterday that i never did because i cried for hours, i'm not trying to guilt you or anything, i'm just giving you the facts because we both know that's what i always do.
you have anxiety issues, i know that and i accept that. you need help from people who aren't me, because i can NOT help you effectively. i really can't."
Now I am just really hurt because she has been the person I have went to for everything and I don't know what to do without her. She's my best friend.