My cutting experiences.

[Dennis Chaney]

Well ill start off by saying that I suffer from (MDD) Major Depressive Disorder, Bi-polar (happy to sad in a split second, not anger related), and a anxiety disorder, I also don't produce seretonin in my brain (the chemical that makes you happy) due to a birth defect. I started cutting at the age of 13, and since then have accumulated over 80+ scars. Areas include wrists/forearms, thighs, and my shoulders and down, as well as my stomach. Some are less severe then others, I usually used a serated box cutter, broken glass, and skinning knives. I've always felt worthless and like a no body, everyone takes advantage of my kindness and puts me down, my own family hates me, they always told me that I chose to be depressed, instead of helping me they just made it worse like everyone else. I've been hospitilaized for trying to commit suicide 4 times. Twice for cutting was too deep, the other two from overdosing. The first time I took 40 40mg prozac and 60 Abilify. The second one which was one of the most painful times of my life and the nastiest, was when I took 107 500 mg extra strength tylenol. The tylenol made my liver fail, turned my skin yellow, made me bleed from my eyes, ears, nose, and took pain to an unforgettable level... They said I have a 5% survival rate without a liver transplant, which you can't get if you intentionally hurt yourself. But I ended up pushing through after 2 weeks of taking Mucamist. Tastes and smells like rotten eggs. I've been instutionalized twice, which doesn't help, just makes everything worse. But I've been slowly forcing myself to resist the urge to harm myself and just deal with it. I'm tired of running, I want to face it head on. The more you run, the worse it gets. And I can speak from my own personal experiences.

[ksdnfkfr]

You have endured and survived a series of horrific ordeals. There are those who will say cutting is a sign of weakness, but you have proven yourself as remarkably strong, dealing with mental conditions beyond your control and coming out a survivor. I will say as a champion.

[Dennis Chaney]

I don't find it to be a weakness, I cut to remind myself of all the pain I went through throughout my life, for a long time it was the only thing that made me happy, I got so use to only being hurt and feeling pain that it became the feeling I relied on. But I started focusing on helping others and making other people happy, and that brought me happiness, I thought to myself, if I'm suffering like this, think about all the other people who are too? And I never had anyone there for me, so I want to be there for others. Just 1 person taking the time to listen to you makes a world of difference sometimes weather people realize it or not.

[StayBeautiful33]

You seem like an incredibly strong willed person and a beautiful strong willed person. Reading your post made my heart hurt for you but it also gave me hope being a self harmer myself it made me think that if you made it through all of that than I can make it through what I'm going through and others will feel the same way as well. You're such a beautiful person stay strong <3 and if you need someone to talk to feel free to contact me.

[Dennis Chaney]

You seem like an incredibly strong willed person and a beautiful strong willed person. Reading your post made my heart hurt for you but it also gave me hope being a self harmer myself it made me think that if you made it through all of that than I can make it through what I'm going through and others will feel the same way as well. You're such a beautiful person stay strong <3 and if you need someone to talk to feel free to contact me.

I appreciate your comment and your love for others, I like to caring towards everyone, share my experiences, and help others to be more comfortable about their situations. You can't run your whole life, it just makes you life in fear and pain, I learned to just let it be what it is and accept that everyone makes mistakes and everyone has to pay for it one way or another. Depression is hard to deal with on your own but try to let it be what it is and realize that the harder you push, the harder it will be to let go of. And you can message me or whatever when you want to, and my number is on my page if need be.

[ksdnfkfr]

I don't find it to be a weakness, I cut to remind myself of all the pain I went through throughout my life, for a long time it was the only thing that made me happy, I got so use to only being hurt and feeling pain that it became the feeling I relied on. But I started focusing on helping others and making other people happy, and that brought me happiness, I thought to myself, if I'm suffering like this, think about all the other people who are too? And I never had anyone there for me, so I want to be there for others. Just 1 person taking the time to listen to you makes a world of difference sometimes weather people realize it or not.

I hear what you are saying. Taking attention away from myself and seeing to others is one of the best therapies I've ever been given. And you are right about it making a difference all the way around.

[Katiya]

I feel for you! I have PTSD and anger problems. And I know from a family members experience Depression is bad, really really bad. I have to say I hope you stay around :), maybe try and find some meds to help but i know that's a whole nother problem in it self.


I can relate to your Tylenol incident. Almost killed my self with it too. I took a whole bottle with codine. The codine made me loopy and I spilled the beans by accident while blabbering weird emotional stuff (i'm never emotional like that) and my mom drove me to the hospital where I passed out. They gave me the same treatment as you but it was all IV. Very painful when the codine didn't have me blacked out.
They thought what happened to you was going to happen to me. They said I'd be there at least a week and likely end up needing a transplant, but my body processed it incredibly well, they were shocked that i didn't get permanent damage. I was sick for weeks after though before i went back to normal.



What finally got me to stop trying to kill my self was the fact that I am apparently hard to kill, so more than likely I would just vegtablize my self and that to me would be the worst nightmare imaginable as i could not even kill my self to escape that horrendous hell.
When you want to hurt your self think about that, when i do my life seams a lot better option no matter what I have to go through. Worth a try?

[Dennis Chaney]

Thanks for the comment, and I've already determined that it would take a hell of a lot to kill me lol, I've been shot, stabbed, self inflitched damage (way beyond livable), hit by a car, fell off of a 4 story building. I gave up on trying to kill myself because all I get is another visit to the nut hut (I hate that place with a burning passion) I'm not psychotic. I'm depressed. There is a difference which they seem to not understand after 1000's of years x.x and I'm sorry that you had to go through similar things as me. I'm a walking miracle (as so said by my doctor since I was born) I've been pronounced dead so many times but I always come back, I made my doctor laugh, he said I guess something isn't going to let you die just yet, so you best just listen to your body, or it might get pissed at you one of these days and stab you in the back lol xD I recovered from my liver completely failing, in just 6 hours, when I woke up, I got out the bed and walked with both of my iv's to the icu desk and told them I was hungry and the nurses looked like they had seen a ghost, so I asked they what was wrong and they told me that I had been pronounced dead 5 minutes ago and my heart had stopped, I was suprised because I didn't remember falling asleep or having any dreams or anything. But yeah I'm a survivor. I'm one tough cookie to break :p

[Miri]

You have endured a lot, and I respect your strength.

Everyone else has pretty much covered what I wanted to say after reading the brief summary of your experiences, but I just wanted to add that I think what you're doing is amazing. Helping others through their issues can be one of the best kinds of therapy, and it is always so rewarding. Sometimes I wish there was someone around to listen when their isn't, and just being able to confide in someone is so beneficial.

Welcome to the forums!

[survivor]

Your story is very touching.
Its similar to my own. I have Autism, Depression, and a mild form of Schizophrenia. In addition to this I have a birth defect that makes my bones weak. I couldn't have a normal conversation until sixth grade and when I was able to I was always bullied. I tried to be as nice as possible and still got bullied. I tried to OD on advil, but apparently my body does not absorb minerals and meds properly so I just got a little sick. I've had a five month stay at the mental hospital and I have terrible luck. Once I got into a car accident dislocating my hip and was fine, but the next week due to swelling stopped breathing on my way to class. I was pronounced dead then woke up fine.

I like that you are trying to help others mainly now instead of hurting yourself. Recently I've gotten a job at a Church and am going to a volunteer work camp this summer to build wheelchair ramps and clean houses for people more unfortunate than me.

[Despot]

Wow what you said touch me so much. I don't have anyone to speak with about my problems but its opposite. My brother calls me "tough" because when i was 4 dog bite me on the back of the neck and left hand and its miracle im alive. I also accidently fell on large nail and it was big wound because i was 6 and nail went touching my bone and lenght of it is 4cm.

I also fell from 2meter fense on my back and was 1 minute with no conceous, i could of also break my leg because when i was young in village there was some building where the corns are stored and my friend accidenlty push me and i fell from 6meter on my arms breaking the part between hand and the rest of the arm.. well now whenever i lift something i feel bad pain and i cannot exercise because of it.. you can even see bones going from the arm, ye its terrible i know i cannot do push ups and pull ups..

I guess there is alot of us survivors that just cannot be phisicaly broken but only mentaly. I wish you all the best and to everyone else :). Maybe God be with you.

[Dennis Chaney]

I love everyone, and I'm sorry that all of you suffer from different ailments, yes I've went through a lot myself but I would go through it all again to be the person I am now. I've met a few people on here and had the chance to talk to them and so far everyone is wonderful, I wish all of you the best of luck in your life, and remember even if no one cares about you or your problems, I always will, love you guys :3

[Katiya]

Oh the nut hut is a Horrible horrible place. The one in my area figures they can rape you with instruments for a 'search' and its OK because your a schitzo, least they think you are. And for us girls they do not care if you are still a vergin or not. They will rape and molest you with tools anyway and hold you down/sedate you if you fight. So in other words they double fuck you. Guys get ass raped and girls get both. And they stare at you bare ass naked before and after the 'search' spinning you around like your a display. Then they treat you like shit for however long your there. Some females are actually raped there from what ive heard. If your crazy enough no one belives you when your out i guess.
You aren't allowed any exercise or phone calls an

[Blood_Thorn]

As I'm sure everybody else has said, it sucks that you've had to suffer through all that. But you should keep your head up since you survived it all! You are tough. I agree though that helping others and talking to them is good, on many occassions it has stopped myself from... cutting.
But you are one strong guy! And we are all here to help support you if need be :)

[Dennis Chaney]

Oh the nut hut is a Horrible horrible place. The one in my area figures they can rape you with instruments for a 'search' and its OK because your a schitzo, least they think you are. And for us girls they do not care if you are still a vergin or not. They will rape and molest you with tools anyway and hold you down/sedate you if you fight. So in other words they double fuck you. Guys get ass raped and girls get both. And they stare at you bare ass naked before and after the 'search' spinning you around like your a display. Then they treat you like shit for however long your there. Some females are actually raped there from what ive heard. If your crazy enough no one belives you when your out i guess.
You aren't allowed any exercise or phone calls an

Yeah they searched us like that all the time because "we were trying to hide razor blades or drugs" so yeah it isn't to help you, its pretty much legal torture x.x

[Katiya]

Yeah they searched us like that all the time because "we were trying to hide razor blades or drugs" so yeah it isn't to help you, its pretty much legal torture x.x

I can never figure out who the hell would put a razor or knife in there! They must use a container as it would other ways cut up your bum!

I was in there once when i was younger, and I will NEVER EVER go back! I was released due to my parents threatening a lawsuit against the counselor who illegally put me in. I've got to say It really really sucks at home but I am SOOO glad my mom cared enough to get me out! At least at home I have the piece of mind that if i can't take it I can run away or kill my self!
I have to say it was just as fucked up as the girl in college told me. I'm not ready to talk about the details of my stay. It was so bad I honestly don't even want to think about it.

As far as i'm concerned 'searching' or rather legal molestation and rape with tools is wrong. As far as i'm concerned no one has the right to shove anything up your ass or vajay jay weather its a penis or a finger or instruments for searching or anything else. If they don't have your consent its wrong! Yet this is perfectly legal to traumatize even young teens with.

One staff member told me that I would need a female exam along with a physical later on in my stay because I was over 15 and had not had one and they need to take care of our 'health needs'. Well DUH! I'm still a virgin I don't need one! I asked to opt out of the female exam part and she said I did not have the choice. I've seen the exam speculums before. You could do some serious damage with those not to mention tearing up a virgin girl! I'm real glad i was out before that happened!

Did any one ever say you needed a physical while in a ward?
Sounds like BS but they had the table there for female exams in the search room and all the Dr stuff. I think this place really would have done it!

I haven't told any one in life about this. I don't think any one would believe me. And i don't want to get labeled as crazy. And I especially didn't after I just got out of that hell hole so I never mentioned what they did, I was so scared they'd put me back in.

[Dennis Chaney]

I can never figure out who the hell would put a razor or knife in there! They must use a container as it would other ways cut up your bum!

I was in there once when i was younger, and I will NEVER EVER go back! I was released due to my parents threatening a lawsuit against the counselor who illegally put me in. I've got to say It really really sucks at home but I am SOOO glad my mom cared enough to get me out! At least at home I have the piece of mind that if i can't take it I can run away or kill my self!
I have to say it was just as fucked up as the girl in college told me. I'm not ready to talk about the details of my stay. It was so bad I honestly don't even want to think about it.

As far as i'm concerned 'searching' or rather legal molestation and rape with tools is wrong. As far as i'm concerned no one has the right to shove anything up your ass or vajay jay weather its a penis or a finger or instruments for searching or anything else. If they don't have your consent its wrong! Yet this is perfectly legal to traumatize even young teens with.

One staff member told me that I would need a female exam along with a physical later on in my stay because I was over 15 and had not had one and they need to take care of our 'health needs'. Well DUH! I'm still a virgin I don't need one! I asked to opt out of the female exam part and she said I did not have the choice. I've seen the exam speculums before. You could do some serious damage with those not to mention tearing up a virgin girl! I'm real glad i was out before that happened!

Did any one ever say you needed a physical while in a ward?
Sounds like BS but they had the table there for female exams in the search room and all the Dr stuff. I think this place really would have done it!

I haven't told any one in life about this. I don't think any one would believe me. And i don't want to get labeled as crazy. And I especially didn't after I just got out of that hell hole so I never mentioned what they did, I was so scared they'd put me back in.

Well trust me if anyone can understand its me, I've been there twice. And they forced me to take a physical, and I was put in there by force, because they deemed me "not fit to be around others or myself alone" they thought that the actions I took upon myself would cause me to hurt other people... I could never hurt anyone.. Except my dad, and my mom if she wasn't a women, but they deserve it. They didn't have any mercy on me.

I'm sorry that you were exposed to all of that, I hated going through it myself but it hurts worse knowing other people did too. The reason I've been not hurtng myself lately is because I can't... I've wanted too so many times but I've failed everytime, and they told me the next time I hurt myself or end up in the hospital that they are going to send me to a mental hospital in louisianna for a year or more or however long it takes for them to think that I am stable.. I can't deal with going back, this is hard for me to admit, but I cried my eyes out every night that I was at the mental hospital, and I tried to hang myself with the sheets.. I wanted to kill myself more being in the mental hospital then I did when I was just at home. I just don't think things will ever get better, I feel like I'm drowning and there is no escape, I want to live for other not for myself. I don't know what to do anymore or how to deal with myself, I think about everything that's happened in my past everyday amd it just makes life so miserable, and I can't stop, I've tried and tried and tried but nothing helps.. I feel so hopeless... I dropped out of school when I was 17 in my senior year because everyone kept talking about my suicide attempts and kept telling me to just go kill myself and do the world a favor so I just dropped out, I couldn't handle it anymore, and I can't get a job now, I've been trying and trying but nothing seems to work, I'm stuck living with my dad who has poisoned me before, took a life insurance policy out on me after my first suicide attempt, has physically and mentally abused me my whole life... I feel so dead inside, I'm scared, I'm desperate to just have a normal life for one single day.. But I feel like it will never happen :'(

[Katiya]

Wow that's just awful! And I sure hope they don't send you away! II can't imagine a year in that place *faints*. And idk if its for the same reasons but no one in my area will hire me and I can't get a job either. I don't care much. Idt a job would be all that great so I just stick to raising and selling my chickens and eggs for money. Free range organic chicken sells good lol.

What I really hate is people that put cutters in the hospital for cutting. It pisses me off to hear that! Cutting isn't suicidal its just a cry for some one to take the time to pay attention and care! No er staff ever figures that out. I can't believe your family wants to put u in! Well my dad would do that to me, probably not my mom. I think she cares enough to never do that out of anger.

I think about my past all the time. I started to just block it all out and feel nothing. I've leaent to turn emotions off and ignore flashbacks. But its kind of weird not feeling anything at all. You could always try that but it can also burst your bubble holding it in. I wonder if you couldn't run away some place? Least for a bit to have a break from home? Even if you find a clean homeless shelter for a few days and see about getting a job in another area? Mayb worth a shot at some point.

[Katiya]

I have a lot of anger so screaming can really help when it gets over the top. If your near enough to be heard literally put a sock in it and then scream. Thats def worth a try some time. It can often release emotions that orherbways can't come out even through cutting. People describe depression as anger without energy so it might work.
I scream and throw things all the time lol. Which is weird for a girl I guess but it helps, just don't break important stuff in your house.