supersid
September 30th, 2013, 11:41 AM
hi I have started writing my own book and I would like to know if its a good starting. I would like to know any comments u have and sorry its long.
He was just 15 when he found them. The vampires. He never thought they were real. No-one did. Or he thought they didn’t, but since that day his thoughts on everything changed. 27th September. The day he was changed. Bled and brought into the vampire clan against his will. No-one believed him until the asylum.
He was truly happy going to school no matter how much he complained. But that day Dan didn’t go to school, his friends took him to an abandoned house to avoid a biology exam. An exam he was happy to go to he had prepared for it by revising at home, taking after school lessons and his parents had even given him a tutor. He knew his parents would punish him. He knew the school would punish him. He knew he would have to pay for it somehow, he just didn’t know how much. Dan’s friend Chuck would not be happy and Dan knew that more than most. They were close friends since primary school. Chuck was heavily built, short and ginger haired. But if you called him fat, ginger or short he would not hesitate to hit. Dan had been at all of his bouts and he always pitied the unknowing victim. Barry was also there and he was very similar to Chuck, he was fat, red haired and short anyone would have thought they were twins except Barry was less violent. Dan was the antidote to the two he was quiet, calm and slender. He had brown hair and knew better than to say no to either of them without a reason because even though Barry was less violent he was heavy handed and could easily persuade people to join him in anything he was doing. Dan followed them down through alleys and backstreets to an old, creaky, rotting house that stank of mould and dirt. They stayed there all day talking, reading magazines and listening to music Dan was the most quiet as he always was. They left at five o’clock to go home, Barry and Chuck weren’t worried as their parents were used to phone call home from school and this wasn’t the first time they bunked but it was Dan’s. So Dan stalled. He walked around, went to shops and went to the park until nine o’clock. It was time to face his parents, the angry shouts from his dad the blazing stares from his mum but ten steps away from the house, he froze he didn’t think he was this scared but he was so he walked back he didn’t know where to but he soon found his way back to the decrepid house. He went through the window the way they had before and sat on the floor under the broken fragile stairs. But unlike before he heard voices. They were strange accents and he couldn’t make out what they were saying so he stood up and strained his ears to listen but still he couldn’t hear the words so he quietly crawled up what was left of the first stair and up the second and he could make out words. “Yes, I am sure this is safe Marcus I have come out here every day this week to make sure.” “I am not sure we should talk about this in such an unsecure location.” “Do you want me to go down and check?” Dan suddenly felt afraid. He couldn’t get out quickly enough to not be noticed and he couldn’t think of anywhere to hide. “No no, it’s fine I’m sure your right I am just paranoid after last time.” The other man chuckled. “Ah yes they nearly got you, lucky they had a window in the attic.” “Don’t remind me. Ugh. I didn’t get any sleep for days after that. They have done years of research but their still stupid enough to think that we hate garlic, it’s ridiculous.” Dan started to have thoughts, they were ridiculous but it made sense in his head. “So Joseph when are we going to start?” “I thought tomorrow so we can get out of this place and back to camp to get more orders and maybe a safer place.” “That makes sense but I doubt they’ll let people as experienced as us to a safe place when new naïve recruits are out for their first time.” Dan was confused, he had to see what was going on, and so he crawled up the next two steps and what he saw were clearly not normal they were pale, slender men with purple lips and long black nails, he guessed what they were but couldn’t comprehend it. Suddenly the one called Marcus turned so Dan ducked fast. But he went too fast. And the stairs fell under him. One shriek and he was gone.
He was just 15 when he found them. The vampires. He never thought they were real. No-one did. Or he thought they didn’t, but since that day his thoughts on everything changed. 27th September. The day he was changed. Bled and brought into the vampire clan against his will. No-one believed him until the asylum.
He was truly happy going to school no matter how much he complained. But that day Dan didn’t go to school, his friends took him to an abandoned house to avoid a biology exam. An exam he was happy to go to he had prepared for it by revising at home, taking after school lessons and his parents had even given him a tutor. He knew his parents would punish him. He knew the school would punish him. He knew he would have to pay for it somehow, he just didn’t know how much. Dan’s friend Chuck would not be happy and Dan knew that more than most. They were close friends since primary school. Chuck was heavily built, short and ginger haired. But if you called him fat, ginger or short he would not hesitate to hit. Dan had been at all of his bouts and he always pitied the unknowing victim. Barry was also there and he was very similar to Chuck, he was fat, red haired and short anyone would have thought they were twins except Barry was less violent. Dan was the antidote to the two he was quiet, calm and slender. He had brown hair and knew better than to say no to either of them without a reason because even though Barry was less violent he was heavy handed and could easily persuade people to join him in anything he was doing. Dan followed them down through alleys and backstreets to an old, creaky, rotting house that stank of mould and dirt. They stayed there all day talking, reading magazines and listening to music Dan was the most quiet as he always was. They left at five o’clock to go home, Barry and Chuck weren’t worried as their parents were used to phone call home from school and this wasn’t the first time they bunked but it was Dan’s. So Dan stalled. He walked around, went to shops and went to the park until nine o’clock. It was time to face his parents, the angry shouts from his dad the blazing stares from his mum but ten steps away from the house, he froze he didn’t think he was this scared but he was so he walked back he didn’t know where to but he soon found his way back to the decrepid house. He went through the window the way they had before and sat on the floor under the broken fragile stairs. But unlike before he heard voices. They were strange accents and he couldn’t make out what they were saying so he stood up and strained his ears to listen but still he couldn’t hear the words so he quietly crawled up what was left of the first stair and up the second and he could make out words. “Yes, I am sure this is safe Marcus I have come out here every day this week to make sure.” “I am not sure we should talk about this in such an unsecure location.” “Do you want me to go down and check?” Dan suddenly felt afraid. He couldn’t get out quickly enough to not be noticed and he couldn’t think of anywhere to hide. “No no, it’s fine I’m sure your right I am just paranoid after last time.” The other man chuckled. “Ah yes they nearly got you, lucky they had a window in the attic.” “Don’t remind me. Ugh. I didn’t get any sleep for days after that. They have done years of research but their still stupid enough to think that we hate garlic, it’s ridiculous.” Dan started to have thoughts, they were ridiculous but it made sense in his head. “So Joseph when are we going to start?” “I thought tomorrow so we can get out of this place and back to camp to get more orders and maybe a safer place.” “That makes sense but I doubt they’ll let people as experienced as us to a safe place when new naïve recruits are out for their first time.” Dan was confused, he had to see what was going on, and so he crawled up the next two steps and what he saw were clearly not normal they were pale, slender men with purple lips and long black nails, he guessed what they were but couldn’t comprehend it. Suddenly the one called Marcus turned so Dan ducked fast. But he went too fast. And the stairs fell under him. One shriek and he was gone.