ShatteredGlass
September 30th, 2013, 01:12 AM
This we'll probably be a semi-lengthy post and only semi-coherent but I feel as if I don't finally say this I will explode. I can't even sleep right now because I won't leave me alone. I keep replaying everything that happened and everything I've said and I just know I didn't want to go that far. That's all I know! I know before I even started the relationship I know I told him I didn't want to do these things. I know I told him I didn't want to. I KNOW I SAID THAT. I know I told him, no and that we shouldn't, and I know he would stop and try again and stop and try again. And I know I said no when he didn't stop, I heard myself say no. And I just gah! I know I told myself that the relationship wasn't worth pursuing. I know I told myself to end it, I know I told myself to stop. I know I told myself to say stop, to be more direct, to stop sending mixed signals. I know I told myself to be strong and not let it go that far, to not be alone with him. I know all the things I told myself and it didn't change a thing. All I know now is that I am weak, I am not an example to anyone, I messed up again. That's all I know. And I know I'm mad at him, I know I wish he would've have listened. I know I wish that I had been stronger. I know I wished I would've have physically stopped him, not just been confused, not keep my mouth shut when I did. I know what I wish, and I know that I'm not strong enough to be sure it won't happen again.