Since I relapsed I can't stop.

[survivor]

I posted a few days ago that I relapsed Thursday. The problem worse than that is I can't stop now that i have started. I went to get rid of my blades and ended up cutting. I don't want to keep cutting anymore. I wish I could go back to 6th grade before I started cutting. I don't know how I can convince myself to get rid of the blades and back home I don't know who I can trust. I'm sorry for this long rant, but I'm sick and tired of holding things in. I almost feel like I have no purpose anymore and don't know how to guide myself. I don't want to be back in some hole, but I feel myself slipping.

[Castle of Glass]

well, read this if you haven't (http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?t=190748). those should help you. and also distractions. it is all about the distractions.

[survivor]

Its been so long since I've even had to think about distractions. I really thought I was done. One mistake has now got me slipping backwards down a slope. I'll try some of these, I'm just scared. It's been four years and I still have nightmares about that hospital and solitary. I feel like I might end up there again and I'm not ready for it, I never will be. Someone's going to find out though, I keep breaking down.

[Castle of Glass]

well the thing is, the SH addiction rarely full goes away. But do you know what triggered you to be this way lately? and i really don't know what to say about hospitals and solitary keeping, as that has never happened to me.

[ksdnfkfr]

That was hardly long or even a rant, please that's what this area is here for. Post daily if you need to. I sure know what you mean by a slope and a dark hole. I'm about 45 days out now, but it always feels like I'm going to get swallowed up any moment.
Forget ever thinking you're completely over it, you just end up being even harder on yourself that way. The idea is to see how long without. That's why we keep SH calendars. It's a day by day thing. It has to be 'I'm not going to today', not 'I'm not going to ever again'. Have you tried school counseling?

[survivor]

I tried school counseling once. I got baker acted.

[survivor]

I feel like what triggered it is the pressure I have this year, my junior year, to succeed and how hard my parents are pushing me. My dad has been outright mean. I tried to get rid of the blades and ended up cutting up my hip and ankle and didn't get rid of them. Tonight my dad yelled at me about AP Lit and I was mad about how my appointment for my shoulder went (I am officially out of volleyball for the season and we are ranked 1st in state and 43rd in the country). I feel like I just lost a big scholarship opportunity there.

[Castle of Glass]

Ohh wait, your in Florida, oh. should have noticed that. had i seen that, i would have remembered the baker act. what if you find outside help, like go to a proper therapist. And your only a junior, you still have senior year to be on volleyball and maybe get a scholarship(i don't know how scholarships work)

[survivor]

Even if I play next year my stats won't be as high because I can't play this year. In town only one person knows and he was in the same boat as me, but now that he has stopped he acts like "well I had the strength so why don't you" and every time he sees a fresh cut he asks me why. At first it was really supportive, but know it's just annoying and makes me mad. I'm like why did I? well, why did you? It's probably a similar reason and If I cut yesterday my cuts today are probably for the same reason.

[survivor]

I've gone two days now and every nerve in my body is screaming for me to cut. Usually people don't notice my oddities, but I usually don't wear flats w/ out socks and a skirt to school. Today someone found out and my friend literally threatened to murdered him if he told anyone. Both me and that friend have arrest records for assault so one I'm scared the kid will tell and I'll be done with and two I'm afraid that my friend may actually hurt the kid. He gave this guy's brother a concussion with his own crutches for whacking him once.