so this is me...i wish it weren't

[sophies_justice]

so i'm anorexic and have been for about 2 years now. i have been in recovery once, and i was doing really well, but i slipped up after i broke up with my boyfriend from a pretty serious and steady relationship.

i'm not really sure why i became anorexic. i think it was probably because i was always worried about what people saw when they looked at me. did they see a fat, overwieght person like i saw myself as? i didn't want to know the answer to that. i saw it every time i looked into a mirror.

my mom's husband used to molest me. he would come into my room every night and rape and prod at me and make me feel like dirt. he would say i was cheap entertainment. when i would struggle or cry he would tell me to shut up and enjoy what he was doing because he was the only man i would ever get because i was so fat. i don't know why but i believed him. after awhile (about a year) i got the nerve to tell the social worker at my high school and he was arrested and sent to prison. last time i heard anything about him he was in solitary for his own protection. the other inmates were getting too "close". i can't say that i was sorry.

i think what he used to say about me, about how i was fat and overweight, got me to where i am today. i believed what he said and so i tried to get rid of the fat. i restricted my diet. 1000 calories to 800 to 500 and on down. i began exercising manically everday. running for as long as i could outside or on my treadmill. doing sit-ups and crunches to flatten my abs. fasting and going on liquid diets when i felt that i had screwed up. my weight after awhile fell. 130 to 120 to 110. i was happy at first, and then it wasn't enough. i had to lose more weight. i still saw fat on me. my hip bones weren't sticking out enough, or there wasn't enough space between my thighs. my cheekbones were covered by too much fat. it became a never ending race to erase all the fat off me. i didn't relaize it then, but i was slowly trying to kill myself. my weight dropped to 85 pounds. i was hospitalized and forced to start eating again.

now my weight is at 98 pounds and my BMI is 16.3. the doctors want me to get the numbers up, but it makes me sick even thinking about it. i can't stand to be fat, i can't stand to even think that i might be fat. i know i'm not. what i see in the mirror is not what others see. i know that. and yet somehow it isn't enough.

it's a never ending circle that keeps going around and around and around and there isn't a way out. i keep looking, but i just can't find it.

...

[Kaleidoscope Eyes]

First off, I want to congratulate you on being a survivor. You've gone through some terrible things in your life, and even though you're battling with anorexia you're still thinking positive and looking for ways to get better. Way to go, Sophie! :)

You just have to remember, that underweight is just as unhealthy as overweight, even more so depending on the situation. Why don't you shoot for the low end of normal, as a weight goal? It's healthier, but it might not make you feel so "fat" because there's still plenty of wiggle-room to gain some weight and still be healthy. Just work on gaining one pound at a time. I know you're still worried about becoming fat, so just make sure that you eat healthy. That doesn't mean eat less, it means eat good foods. Fruits and veggies are good, and there's a brand called Kashi that makes these great cereals and granola bars that I just love snacking on. They contain lots of whole grains which are great for you, and they've got very little if any artificial ingredients (which may even help boost your mood!). That way you can work on gaining weight without having to feel guilty about eating. You can still work out too, though maybe work out with a parent or a friend who wants to get in shape, so you have someone to let you know if you're working too hard. Stay off the treadmill except for a quick 5 minute warm-up, focus the rest on some strength-training perhaps, tone your muscles up. Working out will keep your muscles toned so you look athletic even if maybe you hate sports. Plus it causes your body to release endorphins which I'm sure you're familiar with from your time on the treadmill, they're what make you feel so happy and energized after you work out. Be careful though, you're not trying to lose any weight, just build a little muscle you might have lost, and stay happy. Talk to your doctor first though, and if they say not to start an exercise program yet listen to them. I'm no professional, their advice should always be taken over mine. :)

It'll be hard, but I know you can do it. I'm sure others here who have been through this themselves can give you better advice, but I wanted to step in and say something, let you know that you've done great work so far. Keep it up, Sophie. :)

[byee]

Oh my gosh, Sophie, what's happened to you is just awful. Adults aren't supposed to act that way, good for you for speaking up. That took a lot of courage. I'm glad you were able to see that not all adults are irresponsible, and given the opportunity, they will step in and act appropriately.

Now, to undo the harm. I think your struggle with eating and weight might be symptomatic of this horrible, traumatic experience. Sometimes, when people are violated and feel helpless, victimized and out of control, they resort to controlling those things that they can. Like their weight.

What you're going thru now isn't just about weight, you've lost that. It's maybe about the feelings and memories and their effects on you. Understandably, you want to change those, too. But, as you're now experiencing, changing the outside doesn;t necessarily correlate to a change on the inside.

I hope you're seeing a really good therapist who can help you understand and process, and ultimately get beyond, the horrors inside. Then, I think the weight issue will be inproper perspective because you will have finally 'lost' what it is you really want to.

[sophies_justice]

it's hard for me to eat. when i break in and actually eat it's a binge, which stresses me out even more. the binges haven't been happening as much anymore which is a good thing actually.

let's see today i ate some carrots and an apple slice, which is pretty good for me in a day. (i know that sounds pathetic!!)

thanks teeny for your advice. i don't care how much knowledge you do or don't have, it's still nice to know that you care. thanks.

to IAMSAM: i am seeing a therapist. he's pretty good. weird and sometimes awkward to talk to about things but he helps me. and i do think i need to work on letting go of the past some more, it has just been a lot easier to focus on my weight.

thanks for the advice everyone. i really appreciate it.

...

[Kaleidoscope Eyes]

It doesn't sound pathetic, at least you're eating something. That's the first step, right? :)

[sophies_justice]

It doesn't sound pathetic, at least you're eating something. That's the first step, right? :)

yeah i guess so.

i have a doctor's appointment this friday. my treatment team (doctor, therapist, and mom) are all meeting together first and then they are going to talk to me. i'm not sure what it is about. since my doctor told me to get my numbers up i haven't lost any weight, but i haven't tried to gain any either. so i hope they aren't going to be upset about that. if they send me off into recovery again, i'm going to be pretty upset. my weight isn't dangerously low like it was before.

i'm probably worrying for nothing, but it helps to write it down. makes me feel like there is less inside of me to worry about. (if that makes sense?)

so anyway. i go to be weighed tomorrow and wednesday so they will have my last two weigh ins before friday. it doesn't feel like i have lost or gained (and believe me i can ALWAYS tell) so that is a good sign (i think).

...

[Kaleidoscope Eyes]

I'm sure they're just getting together so they can talk about what's gone on since they last discussed how you're doing. My parents and my shrink do that, every here and there all of us go in together and I always spaz out about it, but they never gang up on me and I'm sure your treatment team won't do that to you either.

As much as it'd be good for you to gain some weight, the important thing right now I think, is that you aren't losing any. Just hang in there, lots of people recover from anorexia and go on to be great people. My aunt was bulimorexic when she was in high school, it got really bad for her, she even ended up with multiple personalities and other psychological problems as a result, though that's cleared up now. 25 years later, she's very confident in herself, she's got 6 kids and a great husband, and soon she'll be starting her own birthing center (she's a nurse/midwife). And you know what? She could actually stand to lose 10 or 15 pounds, like most 40 year-olds. So I'm sure if you give it some time and keep working, you'll do fine :)

[byee]

it's hard for me to eat. when i break in and actually eat it's a binge, which stresses me out even more. the binges haven't been happening as much anymore which is a good thing actually.

let's see today i ate some carrots and an apple slice, which is pretty good for me in a day. (i know that sounds pathetic!!)

thanks teeny for your advice. i don't care how much knowledge you do or don't have, it's still nice to know that you care. thanks.

to IAMSAM: i am seeing a therapist. he's pretty good. weird and sometimes awkward to talk to about things but he helps me. and i do think i need to work on letting go of the past some more, it has just been a lot easier to focus on my weight.

thanks for the advice everyone. i really appreciate it.

...

If I can continue in my role as armchair therapist for a little while longer, I'd encourage you to talk about those other things, too, even if they are harder. The eating stuff is a problem, for sure, but it's also a symptom of your abuse. You might ask your therapist if he thinks the 2 are related, if you'd be anorexic is you weren't abused.

So, although the eating is a problem, it's also a symptom of the 'other' things, and if you only talk about the eating, you're missing an important opportunity to address a real problem. Take a deep breath, and spend more time delving into the abuse. Please tell me you're meeting with him at least once a week, too. It'll take time to do this work, and once a week seems a minimuim to accomplish it.

When the symptom becomes the problem, people can spend too much time on it to the exclusion to other issues. Often, I think (again, as armchair shrink here) that people with an eating disorder are too much into their own heads, they spend waaaay too much time thinking about weight, fat, food, etc. The task is to minimize that, to 'get out of your head', so to speak, so those issues can recede, allowing (in your case) the abuse to be addressed. Often, the eating issues become a defense, a way of avoiding those more painful things. That might seem easier now, but in the long run, it's self defeating. You might need to use that courage of yours to confront the abuse more directly.

I think the upcoming team meeting is a great opportunity to mark the progress you all have made towards your goal and for all of you to tweak the plan so it is more responsive to meeting your needs. You might want to prepare by thinking about what it is you'd like them to help you with to get to those goals. It's your meeting, too.

[sophies_justice]

so i went to get weighed today and i lost a pound. talk about a shock!! i was so surprised i started crying. because part of me was so, so happy that i had lost that pound, but another part was so disappointed. so i don't know. i get weighed again on wednesday, and the nurse said i could get that pound back by then. but to do that i have to eat...

IAMSAM: my therapist has said that my ED and my past are related, but i've never asked him if i would be anorexic if none of the stuff had ever happened. that'd definitly be interesting to know. i talk about what my mom's husband did, but never in any great length because i start to get panicky and "shut down". but i do try, i really do, it's just hard. but yeah, i meet with him on tuesdays and thursdays, so tomorrow when i see him, i'll try again.

teeny: i know i can beat this. i know i can go on and become a somewhat normal person. it's just hard. but i can do it, i will do it.


thanks guys.

...

[byee]

Sophie, ask him also if he thinks that your ED is a defense against talking about the sexual abuse.

I know it must be dreadful talking about something as wretched as sexual abuse. But, I really thought about this, and I think in order to get beyond the ED you have to get into the SA. Maybe start by talking with him about how scary it is, talk about it, but around it, if you know what i mean. You might need some time to get comfortable with the idea of exploring this ugly topic, and the 2 of you might need to come up with a strategy to do it, comfortably (or as comfrotably as possible).

So what that you lost a pound, it's not a big deal. Get out of your head about this, stick with the program of eating, and spend your time preparing to address the SA.

[sophies_justice]

so i went to my therapy appt. today...and it sucked. i had planned to try and talk about the past and all that stuff that happened, but my therapist had already planned on talking about it anyway. he said that we had skirted around the issue long enough and he had let me put off long enough, but now he thought it was essential to start dealing with it. so i thought great, why not. how bad could it be. we'd talk about how bad it sucked, now the jerk is in prison, how it affected or caused (whichever) my ED, and then be done. oh no, not even close. he had me talk about it. he had me talk about how each night tim would come in my room and hurt me and violate me, and say horrible things. and then he had me tell him how all of those things made me feel. how the hell did he think it made me feel? like crap, like dirt, like i was worthless. how i felt unloveable, and ashamed, and angry, and guilty. how sometimes i wished i would just die.

oh man, i was so angry at my therapist for having me talk about it all. i was crying and shaking, and remembering everything. but he talked me through it, and it was fine. he said we were going to still address it each session, but he said he thinks the worst part, talking about it all in depth, is over and that it would get easier as we went along. so that's good.

and then he asked about my weigh in and i told him that i had lost a pound and how happy and disappointed i am about it. he said that as we talk about the past it would get easier for me to accept who i am without trying to keep myself so thin, or control what i eat. i admitted to him that i liked being in complete control of my weight and food intake.

so all in all it was a pretty okay session. shaky at first, not bad in the end. i have another weigh in tomorrow so hopefully i have gained that pound back. i don't want them to send me back to the treatment recovery center. that would definitly suck.

...

[sophies_justice]

so today didn't turn out all that good. but it's almost 3 in the afternoon so i guess there is room for improvement. i just hope it improves.

okay so i was headed to the doctor's office late this morning and a car ran into me at a stop light. it wasn't a terrible accident by all means, but definitly scary. the back end of my car is all screwed up too. i got a 2 door Honda Accord last month, after waiting forever to have my own car again, and now it's going to have to be in the shop. i am so irritated!!

so anyways, after dealing with the police and the accident report, insurance, and all that other crap i head to the doctor's office and get weighed. and i lost another pound. which right now isn't a big deal to me because obviously my car is taking precedence right now, but i'm at a loss as to why i am still losing. i've cut back on the amount i am exercising, i'm eating a little bit, and i'm not doing any major food diet that i have used in the past to lose. so i'm more than confused.

but 96 pounds. that makes me kind of happy in a dysfunctional way. i'm annoyed because i want to be better, i want to be on the path to becoming normal, but i haven't weighed this little for some time, and to be honest it feels good. does that sound terrible?

...

[Kaleidoscope Eyes]

No it doesn't sound terrible. You're still recovering, it's natural for you to still want to be so skinny. Your therapist is right though, as you keep talking about things, keep working through it, you'll be able to worry less and less about gaining weight and be able to just stay healthy. I'm sorry your last session was so difficult. I remember having to talk in-depth with my shrink about things in my own life, and I know it can be very hard to do. Just hang in there though, he knows what he's doing and he's there to help. :)

[byee]

Sophie, i'm sorry I missed your last couple of posts. Feel free to PM me If I do again, or if you want to hear from me.

It sounds like your therapist is on the right track here, even if it seems a bit directive of him to bring up such a delicate topic. Good for you for staying with it and talking about it, I just know it's simply dreadfully painful for you. But, i really think your ED and Tim's abuse of you are interrelated, so talking about Tim is essential to you resolving the ED. As a P.S., I personally hate it when they ask obvious questions, like 'how did THAT feel'. Feel free to tell him q's like that are unhelpful and make him seem either insincere or truly stupid. Maybe if he encouraged you to continue talking, maybe if you just spoke about your feelings about things, in detail (I know, I know), he wouldn't need to prompt you.

Sorry about your car, there's something symbolic about it, though. Going to the doctors and getting whacked, huh? Take it as a sign that things can only get better from here!

Keep working in therapy on the SA, don't fret about the weight, just make sure you're nurturing yourself by eating properly. You know, you've been thru quite enought already, you don't need to punish yourself any more by not eating enough.

[sophies_justice]

so tonight has not been a good night at all. i'm feeling really down and depressed and i'm not sure what brought it on. i tried to make myself feel better by running on my treadmill, but after an hour i was so weak and tired i thought i was going to pass out. i started to talk to my mom about it but she was trying to figure out insurance crap and a car for me to drive until mine is fixed. and she just looked so stressed out i didn't want to bug her or worry her. i want to go on a run outside but it is so darn cold out, i'd freeze.

mom made dinner tonight. grilled chicken with fresh salad and no dressing. i couldn't eat any of it. i was too uptight and worried, and i don't even know what about. i think i hurt her feelings because i didn't eat. we don't usually get to eat together because i'm usually gone or she gets called out to work.

sometimes, like now, i hate being me. i hate the person i am, and i wish...well i don't know what i wish, but i know that it isn't this, that's for sure.

...

[Kaleidoscope Eyes]

Don't hate yourself Sophie, you're a great person, you're just going through tough times right now. Is there something you can do to relieve stress other than running? (besides, an hour on the treadmill is a long time, I don't blame you for being too tired to do more of it even if it's what usually helps you relax) Taking a bubble bath, drinking some tea, reading a book, writing down some of what might be bothering you, could be some things to try out. Perhaps you'll feel better in the morning after some sleep, even? I'm not sure what else to tell you other than just to hang in there. Things will improve. :)

[sophies_justice]

hey. things have been completely crazy and unpredictable lately so i haven't had the chance to post. the weather played a big part in that. i absolutely hate Indiana weather. one minute it's 53 degrees outside and storming with tornado warnings and the next it's 16 degrees and snowing. the other thing that played a huge part was that tim had a parole board meeting, and they asked my mom and i to come. it was pretty stressful because he was up for it depending on what the board thought and his behavior in prison and all that, so i wasn't sure if he was going to get out or not. i was honestley pretty scared. but, thank karma, he didn't get out and the next time he is up is in a year. so i have more time before i have to stress out again.

the treatment team meeting went okay. they were considering sending me to another treatment recovery center, but i told them that it was my senior year, and i wanted to finish out the school year and graduate with my class. i didn't think it would work, but it did. so that was pretty surprising. so instead of being sent away i am going to IOP at Selah House outisde of a town nearby. so that was a small victory. things haven't been going so well for me lately, so to go somewhere for treatment close by, and still be able to go home felt so good. :)

...

[Hyper]

Yeah a good home beats a ''treatment facility'' any day!

I hope all goes well for you! Keep posting if you want we're always here for you

[sophies_justice]

okay, so IOP sucks. i absolutely hate it. i hate having to talk about everything in groups. i don't do well with other people. on here, it's a lot easier because i'm not talking to everybody face to face, it's less pressure to try and be what people want you to be, and i can be myself. when i talk to other people face to face i feel this pressure to try and be whoever they want me to be. i'm quiet, and i don't talk much, so they think that i don't have much to say, but i do. there are some girls and guys in those groups who have no idea what they are doing and saying. they became anorexic because they thought it would be fun, to see how much attention they coud get. and that really pisses me off because it wasn't like that for me, and it isn't a game for me. it's ultimately a life and death disease. if you drop down in weight enough there are so many health risks (heart failure, etc.) and you could die. i could die. it isn't a game. and these kids think it is and i don't know how to make them understand. i don't want to die, i want to get better, but it is hard to change something, to turn something around and start doing something different, when you have been doing it conciously everyday for almost 2 years. anorexia is an everyday decision. you make the choice to eat or not eat something. you make the choice to exercise multiple times a day until you are ready to drop because you are so weak and tired. you make the choice. and then one day you notice that your hair, your once beautiful hair, is thin and dry and no longer shiny. you look in the mirror and although your hip bones and collar bones are sticking out and it looks gross, you don't see that. you see imagined fat, even though there is no way that there could still be fat on your body. all you are is skin and bones. but you don't see that. you drop and lose so much weight that it hurts to walk because your bones have no cushion. you are in constant pain, but still you have to work out, hour after hour. your muscles will cramp and you will be depressed.

and there is a lot more that anorexice people experience, and i want to tell these kids that, that this isn't a game and i wish they would/could stop because they have no idea. but how do you say all that to people who don't care? i don't know why it bothers me so much. it's just that i want to get better, i want to become normal (whatever that is) again, and not be sick and depressed. but it is hard to do, hard to change, hard to realize that i am worth it.

i just wish sometimes that i didn't care.

...

[Kaleidoscope Eyes]

Well, tell them that next time then. The whole point of group is to learn from each other, right? Maybe they'll learn something from you. If nothing else, you'll be able to get those feelings off of your chest. I hope somehow this all works for you, despite the stupid kids in group. If they won't listen to you, then ignore them as much as you can. You're there to get better and not to socialize anyway, right?

I wish you the best of luck. You can do this. :)

[byee]

Hi again, Sophie. I've lost track of things, I really apologize. But, i'm back!

OK, If group therapy isn't working for you, you've got 2 choices. The first is to try to find a way to make it work, probably by figuring out what you can get out of it given the membership, and then talking about those things. Group isn't necessarily the place for all issues, you might need to tailor your involvement to the member's ability/willingness/experience to help you, based on who they are and what they've been thru. Typically, I think groups are best to get 'peer feedback' on issues that all can relate to on some level. Maybe working with them about some of your social concerns/issues, how they manage with their ED, etc. Group can be helpful, but it's like an ingredient in the soup, just a pinch. If you don't expect too much, you might be able to get something 'tasty' (beneficial) from it.

The other option is for you not to participate. Your issues are multifaceted, it's not just about ED, it's about SA (I really do think they're linked), and you're so frankly raw that maybe a group setting isn't really appropriate just yet. You might need the attentive relationship that happens in 1:1 therapy to feel safe and comfortable enough to explore and work thru them. I'm hoping that you're seeing your guy at least once a week alone, right? Maybe you can increase it to twice weekly, at least for a while.

Remember, the stuff you're dealing with represents really deep wounds, so there might be times when you feel awful, for no apparent reason (although we know the real reason). Remember to nurture yourself, to be extra nice to yourself, instead of reacting with anger or disgust with yourself. Treat that injury with respect and it will heal faster.

With regard to food, don't think about it too much. When dinnertime comes, sit down, cut the food up, and eat it. Just do this, don;t think too much about it. Dinner isn;t the time to get in touch with your inner misery, it's time to sit and eat and talk with your family. Save the introspection for therapy, maybe write it down after dinner so you can remember it, get it out, and address it in the appropriate place. One of the things you might need to do is compartmentalize all this stuff so it's not just flooding you all the time, so you have control over it. So, dinnertime is the time to eat, without any thought or emotion, and therapy is the time for thought and emotion, without food.

Ups and downs, but in the end, you'll be just fine. Stay with it.

[sophies_justice]

omg...i hate life right now. i just left the hospital earlier today. i passed out a few days ago and they couldn't wake me up. i guess my blood pressure and heart rate had dropped really low and they thought i was having a heart attack. but i am better now. which is good. but they think i was starving myself again, which isn't true because i was trying to get better. but whatever. they put feeding tubes in me while i was there so i have gained 2 pounds which is why they have let me out.

sometimes i wonder if everything we have to do has to be so hard. why can't something just be easy for once?!

[thesphinx]

Sorry you had a hard time at the hospital :hug: life is always going to be hard and we just have to take it one day at a time :)

[Kaleidoscope Eyes]

I'm sorry to hear about your hospital stay, Sophie. :hug: But I'm glad to hear you're doing well enough to be back home now. Unfortunately very much, if not all, of life is hard, but I have faith in you. One day at a time.

[japanman]

o my gosh i dont kno why but that post almost made me cry the last part is so ture :(
and i am so glad you doing better i feel very sorry for you i hope you hold in there and make it thourgh:)

[sophies_justice]

o my gosh i dont kno why but that post almost made me cry the last part is so ture :(
and i am so glad you doing better i feel very sorry for you i hope you hold in there and make it thourgh:)

thanks, but you don't have to feel sorry for me, but thanks for the concern.

I'm sorry to hear about your hospital stay, Sophie. :hug: But I'm glad to hear you're doing well enough to be back home now. Unfortunately very much, if not all, of life is hard, but I have faith in you. One day at a time.

yeah i'm glad to be back home. and i know life is hard and it's one day at a time i just wish sometimes that it wasn't like that. oh well, i can't change it i guess, just make the best of it. or try to anyways.

Sorry you had a hard time at the hospital :hug: life is always going to be hard and we just have to take it one day at a time :)

thanks, i'm trying to take it one day at a time, if i look too far ahead i get depressed because it's too overwhelming.