How to make friends when extremely shy/insecure?

[vitorioso]

I haven't been on these forms for some time, but I think it's time to come back for some advice.

So I just moved across the country to a new city, at a completely new school with a completely different culture than what I am used to. I have been able to make two friends (if you can call it that), both girls, who I sit with at lunch and whatever. At my previous school, I had barely any friends because all my friends from junior high went on to go to different high schools, so I had to cling to the ones who happened to go to my school (which were basically none).

I was hoping for change by moving here, but it seems that this is going to be more difficult than I thought. I am having and extremely hard time making friends here, more so than anytime in my entire life. It's as if throughout grade school my sociability has just plummeted to the point that I can't even talk to strangers to get to know them.

It's horrible, and I am sure some of you know exactly what I am talking about.

Over the years, I have become more and more shy when around new people, and especially when trying to meet new individuals. I guess this is from some rough times that I went through as a child, and probably from some embarrassing and scarring events that happened with people I know just recently (I don't know if I am ready to talk about it).

The issue is that now I am paranoid. Paranoid as in I have a fear, a fear of rejection, of ridicule, and of deceit. I have trouble starting conversations with people because I am scared that they will think that I am weird, that I have some crazy mental problems, that I am shut-in that has no idea how to interact with people, etc. It's not any insecurity that involves how I look, because I personally am very happy with my self image and how people first see me. The insecurities concern how I act, and how my body language is interpreted by the people I meet. I think that it has gotten worse the more that I have stayed alone, the more time that I have been given to ponder just what is wrong with me, and I beat myself up over every little thing just because I think it had a detrimental effect on whatever conversations I had through the day.

It's a fear, and I know it's an issue. But I also know that I can get better, so that's why I'm here. I have came here before to talk about friendship/relationship issues, but this time it's serious because I really want to make a change in my social life, more so than when I was immature all those stupid posts ago. Here's the situation that I have found myself in, and this time I want to make a difference in my life:


So last week, this guy in my English class started talking to me in P.E. I was honestly shocked at first, as to why this popular soccer jock was talking to the weird new kid who never even looked at his face before. I have posted here before about really stupid situations that I found myself in with a guy who I thought wanted to be my friend or whatever else, but I was really immature at that time and I was only posting that to vent to frustrations (frustrations of many kinds), but this is different (so if you happened to read my previous posts, don't compare the situation to this one, I'm a different person now).

Anyways, back to the guy. Over the week we had some conversations, or at least something close to that, in P.E about whatever. I thought it was interesting that he never talked to me in English, but only in this class (maybe he didn't want to in front of his other friends, but that's besides the point). Throughout these conversations I was really shy, because this was the coolest guy in the class, and I had fear (again, the same fear) that I could risk saying something stupid and turn him off, you know. Therefore, I was very reserved when talking to him, but because of this our chats wouldn't really last long because we would get to that awkward silence, that horrible silence where I was constricting myself in stopping me from saying what I wanted say, always in fear.

Last night, I started thinking as to why he was talking to me in the first place, and that's when I realized how radically different this guy was from the rest of the people that I tried to become friends with. With the others (especially the guys that I have mentioned on my posts here on VT), we were in a rare situation in that they were kind of forced to speak with someone nearby, and in those cases it was me. Like, one time I started talking with one of these guys just because we were taking a three-hour state test, and we couldn't move out of our seats for another hour. He started talking to me out of boredom, not of interest, yet I misinterpreted it and though "wow, this guy wants to get to know me better, blah blah" when it was really that he was making all those jokes and funny faces to relieve the boredom he had, and that's why our conversations didn't last much longer after the week of testing was over.

But this, this is completely new. From his own time, out of his own volition and desire, this guy chose to talk to me. He came up to me and started the conversation. This has literally never happened before with me (or at least in the last few years), and with this I know that there is potential. Potential as in friendship, of course, as I am sure that he's not looking for anything else and in all honesty is what I desire also. I'm so lonely now that it's becoming more and more straining for me to go throughout the day, through this monotonous grind that has no change, no end, and has only gotten worse. All I need is someone there who cares about me, and someone who I can care about as buddies. A friend.

Now, here is where you guys come in. What do I do now with this? You heard the whole story, and I really would like to know what you personally think is the best course of action to take in order to make this into a meaningful friendship. How should I approach him, what should I talk about, and what can I do in terms of body language to show him that I am actually interested in what he is saying, and that I am not skirting my eyes away nervously because of disinterest? This connects to the root of the issue, the fear, so probably a much more important question to ask is just how do I overcome this fear? How can I finally move on and be a more confident person, an individual who doesn't care what other people may think?

I know it may sound silly and ridiculous that I have went to this extent just to ask an elaborate form of "how to make friends", but I feel that my situation is probably different than most of the other countless friend posts on VT that it warrants such a rambling. Thank you so much for reading all of this, it truly has lifted some stress off of me by writing this rant. Sorry if I came across as weird or obsessive in it, but at least I have said all that has needed to be said.

Again, thanks for reading and answering. :)

[Living For Love]

I know exactly what you are going through. I also have the same problem. Sometimes, guys or girls come talk to me, we develop a conversation and days later they don't remember me anymore. It's just what you said, they do it because they want to feel and seem sociable, and they do it not because they are interested but because it's convenient for them.

It's sad that this happens, though. It feels horrible when someone starts to talk to you and you see that person as a potential buddy, someone you can trust on and call "friend" with all the characteristics the word involves, and then you realize that the good moment you had with that person only occured once and it will never happen again. This sometimes happens because those people already have a lot of friends, and plus one or less one won't make the difference. They don't want to endanger the relation they have with their old friends just because another new arrived, but that doesn't mean they can't start a conversation with you.

First of all, you need to make sure that this guy isn't one of that type of people, because if it is, you need to stop dreaming and making things in your mind. Assuming he is different (which I can't really tell, because you didn't displayed much information on that), I suggest that, when you chat with him, make him feel important and secure with you. Little things can make the difference. Talk in a funny or jokingly way (but not too much, of course), make gestures, look at him in the eyes when he's speaking to you, ask more questions about him when he's telling you something about his personal life, sometimes pronounce his name when you talk to him, and try to find out what is his relationship with his other friends (if he really likes them or if they're just "cool", what do they do together, etc.).

I don't know if I was clear enough, but you only need to assure you act in a natural way and not like a stalker or something. I know it's hard, but if you see that he's not really interested in having a friedship with you, you only have two options left: forget him or try to get involved with his major group fo friends, which is not an easy thing sometimes.

[vitorioso]

First of all, you need to make sure that this guy isn't one of that type of people, because if it is, you need to stop dreaming and making things in your mind. Assuming he is different (which I can't really tell, because you didn't displayed much information on that), I suggest that, when you chat with him, make him feel important and secure with you. Little things can make the difference. Talk in a funny or jokingly way (but not too much, of course), make gestures, look at him in the eyes when he's speaking to you, ask more questions about him when he's telling you something about his personal life, sometimes pronounce his name when you talk to him, and try to find out what is his relationship with his other friends (if he really likes them or if they're just "cool", what do they do together, etc.).


Thanks so much for replying, and I agree with your advice wholeheartedly. I'm pretty sure that he isn't one of those people, but really the issue is that I need to find the courage to talk to him in the first place. It's all about that fear, that fear that if you say too much the othrr person will think you're creepy, so you end up saying little, and so forth. I think that is the main problem that I need to face before anything else.