Sad story but I must vent.

[Lovelife090994]

If you're okay with it then I guess I can bring it up.

Overall me.
Recently I did not have enough money to get into college and I have almost no plans or goals which is bad for a newly 19 yr old. I can't drive, I have no car, no liscense and my mother being single and a teacher has always struggled with money or lack thereof. She tries and works hard but it is tough. That is a recent burden that gets me down aside from my short stature which I oddly like, small build, oddness, loneliness and lack of confidence and friends.

Secondly this, my sexuality. I've struggled with it for years. I'm so unsure of myself. I was bullied a lot and often called gay. No one wanted to be near me and girls found me odd and unlike most guys I wasn't into girls for their bodies and pictures and porn, I felt more comfortable around them and had a few crushes but never sexual feelings. I brushed this off until puberty really kicked at age 13 for me. I noticed I was starting to like guys but only the physical part, the body. Unlike many I never asked questions and just said that maybe if I ignore the thoughts then they'll leave. I blamed it on my earlier confusion of gender identity crisis. It made me mad and hate myself for not being normal, my faith was in question. I told my mom but she went ballistic, said I can't be Christian that if I was gay or trans or anything other than right then I'd be cut off and to Hell.

I love her and she's all I have. And now at 19 I still have these thoughts and no clue as to what I am or what future I have. I want to one day be successful in something and good for something and have a wife and children. But how can I love a woman or have her love me if I can't seem to love women sexually at all? And I'm too weak to be a real husband to that woman. I know.

I know, I'm young why ponder this? Well, the hurts never left and after ignoring them now they decide to come as I am supposed to start my life. I feel so messed up! Sorry, I did not mean to put this on you! Please don't be angry! I know some of this stuff is ludicrous and possibly self-inflicted but I just needed to say it ALL.

[sqishy]

D:
Every bit of help can do great good. We are here to listen and share your thoughts. There is no need to be defensive here; you are not in a good situation and nobody has the right to give a negative response without first reading all of what you've typed.
Hope it helps.

[Conqueror of Hearts]

First of all, stop saying you're sorry, when you did nothing wrong.

I can't even imagine how hard is for you, finding yourself is never easy, and things you have on your shoulders are not helping you at all.
I would always recommend being yourself, because no matter how hard it is to accept who you are, it is even harder waking up one day and realizing you've been pretending your whole life.
Be proud no matter who you like..you are still to see if you are gay or not, but if you like guys you should maybe date one and see how it goes....don't be scared to be who you are.

Is being gay a sin or not I can't tell you, but I think nobody really can. Who knows...but I think that what is really important is being a good person, kind, noble...

I really like that song by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis (Same Love)...I guess you've heard it but I really think it speaks the truth....underneath it's all the same love and I think that's what counts.

Have you ever been in a relationship (male or female)?
What do you fear the most? Did you tell your mom you're gay or that you're not sure?

I know it seems it's really bad you didn't get to college but you can always try next year. My friend didn't get in and now she's working really hard to try again.... You can find a job this year and save up money. I know how hard it can be because we don't have much money either but I took that situation and told myself that one day I'll have enough money to buy a house for my parents and to travel and help others etc. What is important is to really believe you can do it, and I know I can, judt like you can, and any other person. Believe in yourself and.your abilities.

Why would you give up, when you can fight for something better? Find a job, or two, save money so next year you can do what you want. Your life story can be so awesome and inspirational, and not sad...it is up to you to decide.

[Luminous]

Stop apologizing, and feeling like you've given US a burden. You haven't and you have nothing to apologize for.

Don't be afraid of your sexuality, no matter what it may be. You don't have to fit into any certain label if none fit. You're just you, your own special person. Maybe you'll find that you only are sexually attracted to a girl's body if you have romantic feelings for her and have begun a relationship with her first. I believe there's even a label for that, I forget the name though. Or you could like men, and just not have met the right guy yet, so haven't had any romantic feelings. Maybe both.

Get a job. Easy to say, harder to do. But work at it. Waiter, dishwasher, fast food guy, garbage man, whatever it is, it brings in more money than you're bringing in now. Put what you can in a savings account for school, and the rest use to help your mom out with bills and groceries and everything else. Work as much as you can, but not so much you burn yourself out completely. Working a full day 5 days a week will leave you feeling accomplished and start to create a resume for bigger, better jobs.

Take your own advice: love life. Be content in who you are and what you are doing and where you are. Always remember that things could be a whole lot worse. Be extremely grateful and don't ever take anything for granted, you never know what you might lose.

[Lovelife090994]

Stop apologizing, and feeling like you've given US a burden. You haven't and you have nothing to apologize for.

Don't be afraid of your sexuality, no matter what it may be. You don't have to fit into any certain label if none fit. You're just you, your own special person. Maybe you'll find that you only are sexually attracted to a girl's body if you have romantic feelings for her and have begun a relationship with her first. I believe there's even a label for that, I forget the name though. Or you could like men, and just not have met the right guy yet, so haven't had any romantic feelings. Maybe both.

Get a job. Easy to say, harder to do. But work at it. Waiter, dishwasher, fast food guy, garbage man, whatever it is, it brings in more money than you're bringing in now. Put what you can in a savings account for school, and the rest use to help your mom out with bills and groceries and everything else. Work as much as you can, but not so much you burn yourself out completely. Working a full day 5 days a week will leave you feeling accomplished and start to create a resume for bigger, better jobs.

Take your own advice: love life. Be content in who you are and what you are doing and where you are. Always remember that things could be a whole lot worse. Be extremely grateful and don't ever take anything for granted, you never know what you might lose.

Wow, Princess, that is some of the best advice I've heard and yes, I will definitely consider and try my hardest. Yes, I will take my advice and love life. I am trying to cut this short, I am not scared of being this or not, gay or straight, I'm scared of never finding out for sure and then lying to myself and another person whoever it may be. I know, I have tons of stuff I should be happy for and I am grateful, but it feels off when you're well sad.

[Lovelife090994]

First of all, stop saying you're sorry, when you did nothing wrong.

I can't even imagine how hard is for you, finding yourself is never easy, and things you have on your shoulders are not helping you at all.
I would always recommend being yourself, because no matter how hard it is to accept who you are, it is even harder waking up one day and realizing you've been pretending your whole life.
Be proud no matter who you like..you are still to see if you are gay or not, but if you like guys you should maybe date one and see how it goes....don't be scared to be who you are.

Is being gay a sin or not I can't tell you, but I think nobody really can. Who knows...but I think that what is really important is being a good person, kind, noble...

I really like that song by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis (Same Love)...I guess you've heard it but I really think it speaks the truth....underneath it's all the same love and I think that's what counts.

Have you ever been in a relationship (male or female)?
What do you fear the most? Did you tell your mom you're gay or that you're not sure?

I know it seems it's really bad you didn't get to college but you can always try next year. My friend didn't get in and now she's working really hard to try again.... You can find a job this year and save up money. I know how hard it can be because we don't have much money either but I took that situation and told myself that one day I'll have enough money to buy a house for my parents and to travel and help others etc. What is important is to really believe you can do it, and I know I can, judt like you can, and any other person. Believe in yourself and.your abilities.

Why would you give up, when you can fight for something better? Find a job, or two, save money so next year you can do what you want. Your life story can be so awesome and inspirational, and not sad...it is up to you to decide.

Yes, I see your points. To answer,
"Have you ever been in a relationship (male or female)?
What do you fear the most? Did you tell your mom you're gay or that you're not sure?"

I have never been in a relationship with anyone. Growing up I literally grew up with no sexual or romantic attractions to others whatsoever even when I started puberty. It wasn't until around age 12 and 13 when I was really questioning myself. I was bullied a lot and wondered why and if the kids were right about me being gay. Girls are a mystery to me as are guys but with girls I never looked at them as a hot sexy thing to just be attracted to for that, I saw girls as beautiful, strong, and the right one as a potential partner yet and still I never had a lot of crushes.

My fear? I guess being alone and rejected. I told my mom everything and she blamed me and said how un-Christian it is and how if I was to be gay in her house or bi, or anything else that she wasn't going to have a gay son and that I'd be kicked out. That tore me up. I mean she loves me but is ready to get rid of me for what I like? How "Christian" is that? How "motherly" is that?

[Conqueror of Hearts]

I guess dating will open your eyes...or for beginning flirting with someone, going out first just to see if any emotion will come up that will help you see and find who you are.
As long as you are not afraid to find out that, you won't wake up some day realizing you've been pretending your whole life.

Yes, first thing I also thought while reading about your mother was"How Christian is that?" But I don't think she would kick you out, I guess she's just trying to scare you. I hope that no matter who you like shefinds a was to accept you and to love you, because you deserve nothing less.

Be proud and keep going.

[Luminous]

Wow, Princess, that is some of the best advice I've heard and yes, I will definitely consider and try my hardest. Yes, I will take my advice and love life. I am trying to cut this short, I am not scared of being this or not, gay or straight, I'm scared of never finding out for sure and then lying to myself and another person whoever it may be. I know, I have tons of stuff I should be happy for and I am grateful, but it feels off when you're well sad.

I'm glad to have helped.
You WILL find out your sexuality one day. Doubting that you will will only make you more insecure in whatever it is. Be confident and believe in yourself, your heart knows what it's doing.