Spiritual_Catalyst
September 14th, 2013, 10:13 AM
I'm new to this forum. I know a couple of people on here and I have some free time on my hands so I thought I would introduce myself. I don't want to give out my name for personal reasons. I'll tell you my story. The short version if you don't mind.
From birth on, I found myself in a little place I'd like to call hell. I had a father who was abusive of my mother and myself. He was an alcoholic, recovering from severe depression, addicted to antidepressants and had a physical condition that the doctors told would kill him. He didn't die, and yes he is alive today but he did manage to suck every bit of life out of me.
Let's fast forward shall we. At the age of 15, I couldn't handle it anymore. School was wearing me out. I was always a straight A student in an incredibly challenging private school because I felt as if I would be worthless if I wasn't good at anything. My father was as bad as he ever was and truly pushing my limits. My survival strategy of numbing everything out by dissociating was leaving me with close to no energy at all. I was dead. Unfortunately, only on the inside.
I managed to move out and go to a boarding school the next year. I finally thought I was safe, I could be happy now. Oh boy was I wrong. As soon as I re-attached to myself and started experiencing emotion again, all the un-dealt with pain came up. It started coming in waves so big I thought I would drown so I numbed it out again. The teachers there felt that something was wrong, so they sent me to a doctor. I was diagnosed with severe depression and put on pills immediately, as well as removed from the school so that I wouldn't be their burden if I killed myself.
They knew I couldn't live with my father and stay alive so my mother and I got a separate house. I let myself feel. All hell broke loose. For the next two years I was a psychiatrist puppet. I felt like a guinea-pig that they were trying every new remedy on and nothing was working. I felt completely alone and hopeless till I came to the last place I could go. I understood that I was either going to find my way out of this alone, or figure out a way to kill myself. I'm not afraid of death. I recognized from an early age that it was nothing but a reset button. I just didn't want to do it. I felt like there was a reason that I was alive. There was a reason that all of this happened to me. It was almost like a set-up and this was the breaking point. I chose life.
I should probably let you know that I was born with certain unusual abilities. Things such as sensing un-manifested energies, certain beings, I had a very strong sense of intuition and a way of knowing where a certain life path would lead me. I was naturally empathic in fact this was a great problem for me since I couldn't control it and would immediately feel the pain of all of the people in the room at the same time. This is what made school impossible for me to endure because I would literally have to shut my emotions down in order to survive and this would result in a numbing feeling. I would feel nothing.
Healing myself, was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I can't even say it was me completely because I was lead to relief by something that I cannot identify, in every dark corner. I'm here because I have people I care about, people I feel deeply connected to in this forum. And maybe, I can help out a little bit. I don't know it all. But I do have the help of instincts, non physical entities and most importantly my personal experience at my advantage. So, it's nice to meet all of you and if I can be of service in anyway, please do not hesitate to message me.
Love- Cameron (not my real name)
From birth on, I found myself in a little place I'd like to call hell. I had a father who was abusive of my mother and myself. He was an alcoholic, recovering from severe depression, addicted to antidepressants and had a physical condition that the doctors told would kill him. He didn't die, and yes he is alive today but he did manage to suck every bit of life out of me.
Let's fast forward shall we. At the age of 15, I couldn't handle it anymore. School was wearing me out. I was always a straight A student in an incredibly challenging private school because I felt as if I would be worthless if I wasn't good at anything. My father was as bad as he ever was and truly pushing my limits. My survival strategy of numbing everything out by dissociating was leaving me with close to no energy at all. I was dead. Unfortunately, only on the inside.
I managed to move out and go to a boarding school the next year. I finally thought I was safe, I could be happy now. Oh boy was I wrong. As soon as I re-attached to myself and started experiencing emotion again, all the un-dealt with pain came up. It started coming in waves so big I thought I would drown so I numbed it out again. The teachers there felt that something was wrong, so they sent me to a doctor. I was diagnosed with severe depression and put on pills immediately, as well as removed from the school so that I wouldn't be their burden if I killed myself.
They knew I couldn't live with my father and stay alive so my mother and I got a separate house. I let myself feel. All hell broke loose. For the next two years I was a psychiatrist puppet. I felt like a guinea-pig that they were trying every new remedy on and nothing was working. I felt completely alone and hopeless till I came to the last place I could go. I understood that I was either going to find my way out of this alone, or figure out a way to kill myself. I'm not afraid of death. I recognized from an early age that it was nothing but a reset button. I just didn't want to do it. I felt like there was a reason that I was alive. There was a reason that all of this happened to me. It was almost like a set-up and this was the breaking point. I chose life.
I should probably let you know that I was born with certain unusual abilities. Things such as sensing un-manifested energies, certain beings, I had a very strong sense of intuition and a way of knowing where a certain life path would lead me. I was naturally empathic in fact this was a great problem for me since I couldn't control it and would immediately feel the pain of all of the people in the room at the same time. This is what made school impossible for me to endure because I would literally have to shut my emotions down in order to survive and this would result in a numbing feeling. I would feel nothing.
Healing myself, was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I can't even say it was me completely because I was lead to relief by something that I cannot identify, in every dark corner. I'm here because I have people I care about, people I feel deeply connected to in this forum. And maybe, I can help out a little bit. I don't know it all. But I do have the help of instincts, non physical entities and most importantly my personal experience at my advantage. So, it's nice to meet all of you and if I can be of service in anyway, please do not hesitate to message me.
Love- Cameron (not my real name)