[sigh]

[Magenta]

I'm exhausted. I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. Suicide seems like a real possibility these days. Some people just don't care. Some people think I'm annoying because I don't get better. Some people are worried but I just... I want to care but I don't.

Professional help is not available to me right now and will not be for some time still. Please don't suggest this. It just rubs in the fact that I can't get it. Don't ask me to explain, I don't want to. I've just exhausted all options short of calling 911 then slitting my wrists and waiting for them to come and have to stitch me up so I don't bleed out. But if I were to do that, it wouldn't be to get help however.

I just regret everything. University, moving, all the friendships I have. I'm nothing but a burden and a waste of space and oxygen. I'm not even sure why I'm posting this. I don't expect anyone to understand, remember me from the days on VT when I actually had some hope left and my issues were clear, to be able to say anything to reassure me or make me feel better. I guess I have nowhere left to turn. I am so bloody alone. I hate being an adult. It's even more isolating. At least angsty teenagers are... well, angsty teenagers. I'm supposed to be put together and grown up. I just feel like I'm dying.

This illness is gonna kill me one day, sooner or later. And I'm scared because I know I need to let it. I don't want to die... but I also don't believe I'm meant to be alive either.

Time to go back to sleep, I guess.

[Poisonberry]

I don't want to hit you with a bunch of cliches about how things will get better and all that, I know sometimes things don't seem to ever get better. You were reluctant to explain your problems and I can understand that, but for people like me that are new here it would help us to understand you better.

I don't know where you got the idea that you're expected to be all put together and perfect when you're an adult. It's a shame if someone is feeding you that idea. I honestly don't think everyone, or even most people, expect that from you or anyone else.

It sucks that you're not in a position to get help, but I hope you hang on until you can, just from reading this post you sound like a very special person and we can really use all of those that we can get.

I really hope you don't resort to hurting yourself. You sound like you've been down this road before and you know it's not going to take you to where you want to be.

[Syvelocin]

I'm supposed to be put together and grown up.

I guess this is the most suitable place to start. No, you are not! Whoever tells you this is wrong. I'm grown up in some ways, but in other ways people wonder how I can be so mature but then act like such a child. I'm mature because I realize there's no problem with being young, I will sometimes be immature, and there's nothing wrong with that. Maturity is when you embrace both but know when to be mature, imo. You have more situations in which you have to be mature, but that doesn't mean that has to be who you are.

And I don't expect uni students to be grown up anyway. A little more independent than angsty teenagers, but we're still angsty teenagers, we just have more homework. Why do so many uni students drink? ;)

Why would you call 911? Honestly, I'm curious. What makes you want to save yourself instead of just doing the former? Perhaps it's something positive you can tap into. The other duality is intriguing as well. You "know you have to let it" kill you, but you still don't want to die. I'm actually happy to hear that. I know you don't see it, but there's something there inside you that still has life. You have a chance because you are still here. Of course I have to tell you how you're so meant to be alive. I know, I know, I used to hate this cliché as well, but everything happens for a reason. Or rather my modified form: both something good and something bad comes from everything in life. You're here for a reason. What are you going to school for?

You can always talk to me. Like, really talk to me. I am not a therapist, but I could be helpful since you can't get a professional. If only for pep talks and not all the psych stuff.

[Magenta]

Why would you call 911? Honestly, I'm curious. What makes you want to save yourself instead of just doing the former? Perhaps it's something positive you can tap into. The other duality is intriguing as well. You "know you have to let it" kill you, but you still don't want to die.

It's not that I would. I just know it would be a last ditch possibility to get help because no emergency service could turn someone away in that situation unlike every other time I've gone to ask for help and have been shoved to the side. If I honestly decided to, I'd just do it, not call for help first. I don't believe I'd actually get proper help that way either. I don't seem to be very important to the system here these days.

And it's not that I want to live. I'm scared of the actual moment of dying. I'm not religious; I have no beliefs of what comes after. As terrible as life is, that's all I know. I don't want to cling to it but it's just natural survival instinct playing it's part. But I have a feeling if I don't die today or tomorrow or next week, etc, I'll still be dead early on in life. There's only so much a person can take when she's refused treatment on a constant basis.