3 days straight. I'm tired.

[Versae]

I've been cutting for three days straight. I've stopped before but I'm addicted again. I know I shouldn't be cutting again and should be telling people not to do it anymore but I don't know. I'm tired. I wanted to stop but it's hard. I cut whenever and wherever, even at school. I did it with a ruler. a thumbtack needle, the edge of a hard plastic cover, blade and everything sharp that I could hold even a pen. I always have to hold back the tears while in class so I got to the bathroom and stay there for a long time, I took meds. And I always stare at the window. I know there's something wrong with me, but I don't know what it is. I wanted to stop desperately. Nobody talked to me about it so I thought I could go here. Even the people I call friends just stared and said nothing. I' ashamed of it. Of how I'm so weak when I was the person whom they said that had the strongest feelings before. I'm not feeling anything but sadness and loneliness. I wanted someone to talk to me but I know that my voice would crack. I'm so selfish. I know others have had it much harder that I have but this thing hurts a lot. I know I should be happy because I feel something, I have been numb for a really long time before. I'm scared that I won't stop and people would say that I'm hopeless, weird, attention seeker and weak. I hate my body. my thighs, my arms and wrists. They're all plain ugly that's why nobody talked to me. I always had to fake my smiles and everything so that people won't ask me what's wrong. But the truth is, I wanted someone to just ask me and never leave me. I'm sorry for the long post, I've been keeping this for months and these three days, I've had enough. I don't want to keep doing meds and keep cutting myself. I don't want to die but I want to feel something. Something not like this.

[Mynick]

You are neither weak or selfish. Stop cutting is really difficult, and cut again is unfortunately normal. Here is a thread with several methods to stop cutting. (http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?t=190748)
I know how you feel when you say others have much harder, it may be true, but its no reason to underestimate our own problems. Have you consider seeking professional help? It can really help.
Fell free to post here whenever you want, we are here to help. :)
You can VM or PM if you want to talk with someone.

[Castle of Glass]

Like Mynick said, look at the thread. But you are not weak or selfish. Every addiction, no matter how small or big is equally as important.

Talking to someone about it always works. Even if it is to a pet. Though it would be better if you talked to a counselor, therapist or psychologist, anyone will work. It seems daunting at first, but in the long run, it will help more.

And always, we are here to listen and help in any way we can. Feel free to post here or VM me. :hug3:

[lightPainting]

what feelings do you get when you do cut?

[Versae]

what feelings do you get when you do cut?

I'm ashamed and when I cut, I don't really feel anything. In fact, when I'm done cutting, I can notice myself smile a little. then I'd laugh really loud but I don't know why. And worst, I feel like I'm used to it. That it's normal for me.

what feelings do you get when you do cut?

I'm ashamed and when I cut, I don't really feel anything. In fact, when I'm done cutting, I can notice myself smile a little. then I'd laugh really loud but I don't know why. And worst, I feel like I'm used to it. That it's normal for me.

Like Mynick said, look at the thread. But you are not weak or selfish. Every addiction, no matter how small or big is equally as important.

Talking to someone about it always works. Even if it is to a pet. Though it would be better if you talked to a counselor, therapist or psychologist, anyone will work. It seems daunting at first, but in the long run, it will help more.

And always, we are here to listen and help in any way we can. Feel free to post here or VM me. :hug3:

You are neither weak or selfish. Stop cutting is really difficult, and cut again is unfortunately normal. Here is a thread with several methods to stop cutting. (http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?t=190748)
I know how you feel when you say others have much harder, it may be true, but its no reason to underestimate our own problems. Have you consider seeking professional help? It can really help.
Fell free to post here whenever you want, we are here to help. :)
You can VM or PM if you want to talk with someone.

Guys, thank you so much. I'm literally crying right now. I didn't know what to do and you guys saying that I can talk to you all makes me feel really alive worthy. Nobody really didn't want to get involve with anything that includes me. I don't know who to talk to. I talked to my goldfish once but I'm scared that they had to burden my problems. and things like that. I don't want anyone to know because I don't really know if I even matter to them and I even wonder if I ever cross their minds. Thanks for saying I'm not weak but I don't know, I really feel it. And I've never considered any help because of that little voice in my head saying that they won't mind me at all. That they don't know me and they won't care either. My friends didn't now any of this but sometimes, I want just want to cry in front of them and just break down and say what I've always wanted to say. I'm tired of going to school. I'm tired eating. I'm tired of everything. I know you guys just told me this because you all wanted to be friendly and all that but it still haunts me that no matter what you guys told me, it won't affect me. I wish you guys were real. The kind of real that I can just talk to and be honest with everything. I'm happy I'm in here. I feel important here. Like I really mattered. I'm sorry I'm saying all these. I've just given up on myself. I'm hopeless...I'm done. And I feel really bad. I had someone to draw a butterfly for me in my wrist but my butterfly is all bleeding right now. I felt like I've killed that beautiful butterfly, her name is RedSam. I can't do anything right. I even killed the most beautiful thing I had in my life. I'm selfish. I know I shouldn't have the right to say it but really, that's everything I feel. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry...

[Mynick]

Guys, thank you so much. I'm literally crying right now. I didn't know what to do and you guys saying that I can talk to you all makes me feel really alive worthy. Nobody really didn't want to get involve with anything that includes me. I don't know who to talk to. I talked to my goldfish once but I'm scared that they had to burden my problems. and things like that. I don't want anyone to know because I don't really know if I even matter to them and I even wonder if I ever cross their minds. Thanks for saying I'm not weak but I don't know, I really feel it. And I've never considered any help because of that little voice in my head saying that they won't mind me at all. That they don't know me and they won't care either. My friends didn't now any of this but sometimes, I want just want to cry in front of them and just break down and say what I've always wanted to say. I'm tired of going to school. I'm tired eating. I'm tired of everything. I know you guys just told me this because you all wanted to be friendly and all that but it still haunts me that no matter what you guys told me, it won't affect me. I wish you guys were real. The kind of real that I can just talk to and be honest with everything. I'm happy I'm in here. I feel important here. Like I really mattered. I'm sorry I'm saying all these. I've just given up on myself. I'm hopeless...I'm done. And I feel really bad. I had someone to draw a butterfly for me in my wrist but my butterfly is all bleeding right now. I felt like I've killed that beautiful butterfly, her name is RedSam. I can't do anything right. I even killed the most beautiful thing I had in my life. I'm selfish. I know I shouldn't have the right to say it but really, that's everything I feel. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry...

I'm sorry to hear that sweety. We are all weak, we are small, tiny, silly humans in a world we barely understand. RedSam, that's quite an ironic name isn't it? Look at me trying do make a joke, well hope at least that you smiled a bit.
You know that voice on the back of your head? Screaming that you are enough, that you are nothing. Tell her, keep your mouth shut and tell her to fuck off. It helps me sometimes.
I know how it feels being tired of everything, nothing appeal us, nothing matters. But someday you'll find something, it can be a tv show, a person, science, you'll find something.
We all cut again, sooner or later, its part of our fight.
You can talk with me if you want :) Keep fighting! We are all here to help you.

[lightPainting]

Guys, thank you so much. I'm literally crying right now. I didn't know what to do and you guys saying that I can talk to you all makes me feel really alive worthy. Nobody really didn't want to get involve with anything that includes me. I don't know who to talk to. I talked to my goldfish once but I'm scared that they had to burden my problems. and things like that. I don't want anyone to know because I don't really know if I even matter to them and I even wonder if I ever cross their minds. Thanks for saying I'm not weak but I don't know, I really feel it. And I've never considered any help because of that little voice in my head saying that they won't mind me at all. That they don't know me and they won't care either. My friends didn't now any of this but sometimes, I want just want to cry in front of them and just break down and say what I've always wanted to say. I'm tired of going to school. I'm tired eating. I'm tired of everything. I know you guys just told me this because you all wanted to be friendly and all that but it still haunts me that no matter what you guys told me, it won't affect me. I wish you guys were real. The kind of real that I can just talk to and be honest with everything. I'm happy I'm in here. I feel important here. Like I really mattered. I'm sorry I'm saying all these. I've just given up on myself. I'm hopeless...I'm done. And I feel really bad. I had someone to draw a butterfly for me in my wrist but my butterfly is all bleeding right now. I felt like I've killed that beautiful butterfly, her name is RedSam. I can't do anything right. I even killed the most beautiful thing I had in my life. I'm selfish. I know I shouldn't have the right to say it but really, that's everything I feel. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry...

i understand how you must feel, and i dont want you to feel like that, because i dont think you deserve to feel like that. i mean, you didnt hurt anyone or make anyone else feel lonely, you just some how ended up with these feelings. but i want to help you get out. im not sure how hard it will be over text but i do know that words are powerful and it is worth a try.

[Castle of Glass]

I'm ashamed and when I cut, I don't really feel anything. In fact, when I'm done cutting, I can notice myself smile a little. then I'd laugh really loud but I don't know why. And worst, I feel like I'm used to it. That it's normal for me.

Yes. that happens to me also. It is the effects of addiction.

Guys, thank you so much. I'm literally crying right now. I didn't know what to do and you guys saying that I can talk to you all makes me feel really alive worthy. Nobody really didn't want to get involve with anything that includes me. I don't know who to talk to. I talked to my goldfish once but I'm scared that they had to burden my problems. and things like that. I don't want anyone to know because I don't really know if I even matter to them and I even wonder if I ever cross their minds. Thanks for saying I'm not weak but I don't know, I really feel it. And I've never considered any help because of that little voice in my head saying that they won't mind me at all. That they don't know me and they won't care either. My friends didn't now any of this but sometimes, I want just want to cry in front of them and just break down and say what I've always wanted to say. I'm tired of going to school. I'm tired eating. I'm tired of everything. I know you guys just told me this because you all wanted to be friendly and all that but it still haunts me that no matter what you guys told me, it won't affect me. I wish you guys were real. The kind of real that I can just talk to and be honest with everything. I'm happy I'm in here. I feel important here. Like I really mattered. I'm sorry I'm saying all these. I've just given up on myself. I'm hopeless...I'm done. And I feel really bad. I had someone to draw a butterfly for me in my wrist but my butterfly is all bleeding right now. I felt like I've killed that beautiful butterfly, her name is RedSam. I can't do anything right. I even killed the most beautiful thing I had in my life. I'm selfish. I know I shouldn't have the right to say it but really, that's everything I feel. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry...

:hug3: we are here for you. I know it may seem that it isn't worth trying to fight it, but it is. And tell your voice that it is better if you get help, rather than ending up dead or in a hospital, because then no one wins. and you want to win. Let me tell you someone. the hard truth about recovery. Recovery means relapses, but we are strong enough to make it through all of them :)

[Versae]

I'm sorry to hear that sweety. We are all weak, we are small, tiny, silly humans in a world we barely understand. RedSam, that's quite an ironic name isn't it? Look at me trying do make a joke, well hope at least that you smiled a bit.
You know that voice on the back of your head? Screaming that you are enough, that you are nothing. Tell her, keep your mouth shut and tell her to fuck off. It helps me sometimes.
I know how it feels being tired of everything, nothing appeal us, nothing matters. But someday you'll find something, it can be a tv show, a person, science, you'll find something.
We all cut again, sooner or later, its part of our fight.
You can talk with me if you want :) Keep fighting! We are all here to help you.

Well, RedSam is actually a song from flyleaf and because my friend who drew it is named Sam. Thank you. A lot. I still haven't found that thing to keep me alive but your words helped me. And now, I'm looking forward to it. Do you think it's okay to still cut? I mean, it's hard when one day you've just decided to not do it again. It just feels like you're going to do it again.


i understand how you must feel, and i dont want you to feel like that, because i dont think you deserve to feel like that. i mean, you didnt hurt anyone or make anyone else feel lonely, you just some how ended up with these feelings. but i want to help you get out. im not sure how hard it will be over text but i do know that words are powerful and it is worth a try.

Thank you. I've never considered myself in those words because I always think that I deserve it but no one deserves to feel it. Thank you for saying that I don't deserve this. You make me smile. I hope one day I get to see you in the streets or somewhere then do you a favor. but still never knowing who you are. And yes, I want to get out.

Yes. that happens to me also. It is the effects of addiction.



:hug3: we are here for you. I know it may seem that it isn't worth trying to fight it, but it is. And tell your voice that it is better if you get help, rather than ending up dead or in a hospital, because then no one wins. and you want to win. Let me tell you someone. the hard truth about recovery. Recovery means relapses, but we are strong enough to make it through all of them :)

Thank you so much. I'm happy you replied here. I'm really afraid of posting a thread because I knew that nobody would care anyway and nobody would even post a reply or something. But I'm happy that you are all alive. Yes, I'd relapse but I hope I can overcome it.

I wish that there's this certain day where all lonely and broken hearted people would get to meet each other and say things like what you guys are saying and have a real hug. Thank you guys. Really.

[Mynick]

Well, RedSam is actually a song from flyleaf and because my friend who drew it is named Sam. Thank you. A lot. I still haven't found that thing to keep me alive but your words helped me. And now, I'm looking forward to it. Do you think it's okay to still cut? I mean, it's hard when one day you've just decided to not do it again. It just feels like you're going to do it again.




Thank you. I've never considered myself in those words because I always think that I deserve it but no one deserves to feel it. Thank you for saying that I don't deserve this. You make me smile. I hope one day I get to see you in the streets or somewhere then do you a favor. but still never knowing who you are. And yes, I want to get out.


Thank you so much. I'm happy you replied here. I'm really afraid of posting a thread because I knew that nobody would care anyway and nobody would even post a reply or something. But I'm happy that you are all alive. Yes, I'd relapse but I hope I can overcome it.

I wish that there's this certain day where all lonely and broken hearted people would get to meet each other and say things like what you guys are saying and have a real hug. Thank you guys. Really.

My stupidity amazes me sometimes. You'll find it trust me, i found Doctor Who its only a TV show but to me it gives me hope. It would be better not to cut, but i know how hard it is. Yeah i know how it feels, i cutted again and i keep thinking, well i can stop do it for a couple of months but i'll just do it again, sooner or later.
But you are amazing you don't deserve this and you'll get out. You may feel like you are no one, like you are lonely or like you dont matter, but the truth is, you do.

I would love that such day existed. If by any chance i get to meet you better hang there because im going to hug you, until that day :hug: this works.

[numbness]

I've been numb for a really long time to....and whenever people asked me it was ok I would have to fake smile and nod cause I couldn't talk......now I just go horse riding its the only way that I can feel anything apart from numbness... keep strong

[Castle of Glass]

Thank you so much. I'm happy you replied here. I'm really afraid of posting a thread because I knew that nobody would care anyway and nobody would even post a reply or something. But I'm happy that you are all alive. Yes, I'd relapse but I hope I can overcome it.

I wish that there's this certain day where all lonely and broken hearted people would get to meet each other and say things like what you guys are saying and have a real hug. Thank you guys. Really.

Your welcome. Just keep posting and i will respond as soon as i can. some days faster than others. I know you can overcome it. you are strong :)

That day would be amazing.

[lightPainting]

maybe instead of cutting, try ripping paper. the sound of that might be a good replacement.

[Versae]

My stupidity amazes me sometimes. You'll find it trust me, i found Doctor Who its only a TV show but to me it gives me hope. It would be better not to cut, but i know how hard it is. Yeah i know how it feels, i cutted again and i keep thinking, well i can stop do it for a couple of months but i'll just do it again, sooner or later.
But you are amazing you don't deserve this and you'll get out. You may feel like you are no one, like you are lonely or like you dont matter, but the truth is, you do.

I would love that such day existed. If by any chance i get to meet you better hang there because im going to hug you, until that day :hug: this works.

Thank you. That's why I told myself that I'm selfish because I only think about myself and how I don't matter. I don't what to say to you except for thank you. I wish that you won't experience again this kind of thing.

I've been numb for a really long time to....and whenever people asked me it was ok I would have to fake smile and nod cause I couldn't talk......now I just go horse riding its the only way that I can feel anything apart from numbness... keep strong

I feel you. I've been numb too. That's why I said in this thread that I should be thankful because I feel something. Thank you, really. I hope to get into an activity like yours where I could escape from everything.

Your welcome. Just keep posting and i will respond as soon as i can. some days faster than others. I know you can overcome it. you are strong :)

That day would be amazing.

Thank you really. But I think you're stronger than me overcoming whatever you have overcome. I'm pretty sure you know how it feels. I hope I can come into a point where I could be like you.

maybe instead of cutting, try ripping paper. the sound of that might be a good replacement.

Well, I'm a little anxious about things like that. What if the trees where you got the paper you're ripping is crying in the afterlife everytime I try to rip their offspring. And then I get really anxious and there are times also that I'd cry saying it's my fault that I can't do anything. But still thank you for the suggestion, when I got rid of that voice in my head, I'll probably try ripping paper. Thank you.

Thank you all guys... I'm sorry to say that I haven't had a clean day until now but I'm happy that I reduced the cuts. I stopped cutting my thighs and I just do it often in my arms.. Atleast I'm getting results. But I still hope I can be better, like who I once was. The happy faker smiling girl.

[Castle of Glass]

Thank you really. But I think you're stronger than me overcoming whatever you have overcome. I'm pretty sure you know how it feels. I hope I can come into a point where I could be like you.

Your welcome. but who ever said that i have overcome it yet? I fight it daily. It is part of the fight

[Versae]

Your welcome. but who ever said that i have overcome it yet? I fight it daily. It is part of the fight

Oh. I'm sorry. but I'm happy that you're still standing now. I want to be a fighter too.