Dark thoughts: I'm my own worst enemy.

[racso94]

Hey people, so the last time I posted up on here was like 5 years ago probably about wanking or something but dammit I am feeling bad.

So basically for about what feels like half a year now I have been having disturbing thoughts that come in waves over a week or so. Usually when my mind isn't occupied on something else. Basically these thoughts represent the antithesis of what I want in my life. This includes things such as acts of violence or inappropriate sexual scenarios towards people I love and those I see around which brings on a huge amount of self loathing. They sort of play out in my mind like a video showing terrible things people can do apart from I am the one doing them :( .

I often try and remove the thoughts from my head by saying to myself "you are a good person and would never do that". The problem is that I have done a couple of thing in the past that I am ashamed of (mostly to do with being a pervy teenager) so when I try and reassure myself I am usually led to further self loathing because I then feel I AM genuinely a bad person whether I like it or not. I know that in the grand scheme of things I am generally a nice guy who wants the best for others but I am tormented at the idea I could potentially do these terrible things that play through in my mind.

I have toyed with getting some sort of help but am afraid of going to the doctors or something and being treated like some potential danger or threat to society and put in some psychiatric ward. I am just about to go to uni and I don't want my investment in a brighter future to be ruined by these thoughts that plague my mind day after day. I also am sort of reluctant on becoming addicted to some kind of medication that only masks these symptoms. I want to fix the problem for good and get on with my life.

The ways I have dealt with it so far have not been very effective. Basically if I have any time where I am not occupied the dark thoughts begin to fill my mind.

I'm sort of desperate for somebody to help so I came here. I tried to mention it to a friend and they sort of dodged away from it. Hopefully people aren't to busy on the masturbation threads :/

[racso94]

Somebody at least view :(

[KieranRules]

I have heard of medication which can stop or help these thoughts but if it was me I would not worry to the extreme about these thoughts as perhaps counciling may help as well. I would see professionals though.

[GuardianofReason]

I'm not sure how to explain this.

But, y'know when your somewhere were someone is vulnerable, like on top of a purch. You have a feeling that you could push them off, just like that. But deep down you won't, because you know it's wrong and that you love them, you may be experiencing that, but in a different way.


Hope I get the point across.


Source: personal experience and a vsause video for the analogy.

[racso94]

I don't want to be reliant on drugs and become one of them strange people that are always slightly high and you can't tell whether they are listening to you or not.

It is very difficult not to worry. I am often assaulted by intensely violent images while around people I care about and I can't seem to easily avoid this. I have done some research and have come to the conclusion that this is some form of OCD that I am experiencing. For example some people have the urge to jump off a ledge to their death or swerve their car into oncoming traffic while driving
Like I was saying I am afraid to talk to professionals right now but would really appreciate any help by anybody who has had some sort of similar problem. I have only seen a few posts like mine (about 3) after vigorous searching which have been on platforms such as Y! answers. These were met with a lot of abuse and hate.
I feel as if I can't tell anybody I know because they will become scared of me. This crap is really getting in the way of my life.

In response to Guardian of Reason- Yeah it is like what you are saying but omnipresent and far more violent. e.g. If I am holding an object that could be a weapon my head fills with horrible scenarios where I use it. :(
I hate it so much but am terrified of the thought of me doing these things.

[KieranRules]

I don't want to be reliant on drugs and become one of them strange people that are always slightly high and you can't tell whether they are listening to you or not.

It is very difficult not to worry. I am often assaulted by intensely violent images while around people I care about and I can't seem to easily avoid this. I have done some research and have come to the conclusion that this is some form of OCD that I am experiencing. For example some people have the urge to jump off a ledge to their death or swerve their car into oncoming traffic while driving
Like I was saying I am afraid to talk to professionals right now but would really appreciate any help by anybody who has had some sort of similar problem. I have only seen a few posts like mine (about 3) after vigorous searching which have been on platforms such as Y! answers. These were met with a lot of abuse and hate.
I feel as if I can't tell anybody I know because they will become scared of me. This crap is really getting in the way of my life.

In response to Guardian of Reason- Yeah it is like what you are saying but omnipresent and far more violent. e.g. If I am holding an object that could be a weapon my head fills with horrible scenarios where I use it.

I would seriously consider counciling as a starting point... I can't think of any way other of getting help.

[byee]

I think your worries about contacting a doc are unrealistic, I think you're confusing how frightening all those issue are for you with how a trained pro will understand and react to them. Mental health professionals are trained and experienced with these sorts of things, and as scary as this stuff is to you, remember that they have seen this before and know what to do. In a way, it's far more disturbing to you than them.

Your doc is on your side, s/he's working in collaboration with you to best understand and fix what's tormenting you. There are many options to do this (like meds, or talk therapy or hospitalization), and together with your doc you both will determine that together, and you can always refuse. With regards to hospitalization, that's really only used when you are in clear and present danger of hurting yourself or someone else..and having thoughts or fantasies don't count, all this stuff is still safely in your head, you are not planning to, or actually acting, on any of it. Again, docs are remarkably keen on figuring out the difference between fantasy and reality and responding to it appropriately.

Whatever it is that you're referring to as "pervy" sounds like it's been playing on your mind and has influenced a lot of self perceptions and interfered with your actual ability to function..like you've been traumatized by those long ago events. It's not surprising, then, that you wouldn't have the emotional bandwidth to address many of the more current issues facing your life (like going off to uni). That's not unusual, most injuries fester when treated with neglect.

Call a doc, make an appointment and start the process of feeling better. Living with whatever this is that seems to be so tormenting you cannot possibly be any worse.

[racso94]

Hey Sam. Thanks for the support. I am now considering going to the doctors tomorrow. I am sort of unsure though. I would have to talk to my usual doctor about it. Then they would have to refer me to a specialist I suppose. I live in a small village so would this mean going into town for appointments or do clinics usually have a psychological specialist. I went before to try and tackle some anxiety I was facing and the people they referred me to never contacted me so I sort of left it.

[byee]

IDK where you live, it might be different there. Ask your doc where the specialist is and how quickly you can get an appointment.

[racso94]

So I went to the doctors and she said that my problems are due to marijuana usage. This seems like a likely suspect as I have been using it increasingly for around a year with a huge increase within the last 2 months. She also told me she had had several people who had described similar symptoms all of whom were weed smokers. Obviously now I am gonna have to stop which is a shame in a way but I would do anything to get out of this.

There has also been an increase in stress in my life with my girlfriend of 4 years just left for her gap year and I have been at home alone a lot.
I decided to open up to one of my friends who I am close to and they seemed very understanding although they did admit the whole thing is fucked up.
I am feeling sort of ok at the moment so I am gonna get an early night (oh shit it's already midnight) and hopefully have a better day tomorrow.

Just thought it might be useful for you people to know because you probably spend a lot of time on here giving advice to people.
Anyway cheers :)