I really don't know what to do ...

[xLonely0ne]

Hi !
Since this is my first post I sorta feel obligated to tell you about myself, but I really dont feel like it.
Sorry this is so long,
But, to get to the point;
I was put in a group home in August of 06 for not going to school. I have a problem with meeting new people, in person at least. I'm very self conscious. I moved from Minnesota to Pennsylvania in the 7th grade, and I've never been the same.
I never knew I had a fear of people until I moved here. I don't know how to adjust, that's the thing. When I was in that group home, I hated it at first. I didnt talk to anyone, however everyone seemed to be intrested in talking to *ME*. This bothered me at first, now, 2 years later (almost), as much as I hated being told what to do by a bunch of people who really dont care about me, I really miss my roomates. Those girls, every single one of them, were like my sisters. They understood me. They had gone through worse things in life than I have, but they understood everything. Unlike people here, they're like, "you should be greatful." "some people dont have this, this blahblah". That was the source of my hatred for myself. I felt selfish for hating everything when everyone else thought I had so much. My one roomate, Amy, she taught me that pain is pain. No matter where it comes from, it feels the same.
I miss these girls so much. I miss everything.
Now, I'm starting a new school, *AGAIN*, and I honestly cant deal with it. I'm being kind of watched, kind of monitored, you know, by the courts and the system.
I dont want to go to another group home. I cant. I wont. I don't know why I'm like this. I've been out of this group home for a little over 2 weeks and I've laready missed 5 days of school because I'm afraid to go.
The other day, my mom came home and yelled at me for not going. She told me that adopting me was the worst mistake of her and my dads lives, that if I get put back into a group home she will not have contact with me, that she's given up on me and that I just use them. That I don't care about them.
I care, I care so much. I love them. So much, they are my everything. It doesnt seem like it because of what I do, and I dont know if I'm making excuses or not but I really cannot help the fact that I fear people the way I do.
And it's not neccecairly fear ethier, it's more like... anxiousness? I dont know, that feeling that you get when you meet a new person... or better yet, if someone put you in the middle of China, you didnt know ANYONE, anywhere, no money, couldnt speak the language and you thought everyone was looking at you as if you dont belong and you didnt know what to do. THAT's what it feels like when I goto school.
I want to be home schooled, I do. But I don't wanna let my parents down. They want to see me graduate, goto prom with a "nice boy", etc.. and if I get home schooled, what's there going to be? Nothing. Me sitting at home on a computer learning.
But my life would be so much easier if it were that way.
I've considered suicide, attempted it, didn't get caught but I obviously didn't succeed ethier.
I'm sick of being a let down.
A failure.
I'm sick of having my parents think they're terrible human beings.
I'm sick of hearing my mom cry at night because of me.
If there were no more me, what would be to cry about?
I just feel that I'm a terrible disturbance in everyones lives, and I dont deserve anything I have.

[byee]

Wow, I'm sorry you've been thru all this, it sounds so stressful for you.

Part of that stress currently sounds like it's coming from your folks not understanding what's going on with you and why you're refusing to go to school. Maybe they see it more as defiance than anxiety. People are less sympathetic to defiance, you know.

Goal one, then, is talking with them about what's really going on inside you. Yeah, i know, you said you 'can't do this,' but you really can. If you can type it, you can say it. And, it sounds critically important that you do. You and they sound like you're on a collision course. Let's come up with a way for you to say what you need to and work with them (instead of against them) to find a resolution to your school anxiety. Maybe some therapy, the presence of a therapist in the room might help.

Goal two would be getting you into school. Research shows that school anxiety is a pretty common problem, and that the longer the kid is out of school the harder it is to make a smooth transition back. Get back to school, go back, just do it. In addition to relieving a potentially explosive problem at home, you also make it easier on yourself. Eventually, you know you have to go back, anyway. If there's something the guidance counsellor or teachers can do, tell them.

You've been thru a lot, moves are hard, losing valued friends and attachments is never easy. Now, you're focused on the loss. But, before there's loss, there were those attachments. You'll make new ones, you know. You just have to get into things again. The longer you stay away, the longer it ill be until you find that again.

There are many other things that have happened to you that undoubtly have contributed and exacerbated the current situation. But, before thoe are addressed, it really sounds like you need to do damage control by talking with your folks and giving them ccurate info about what's going on, as well as getting back to school.

We're happy to help anyway we can here. Maybe we can practice what you'll say to your folks so you can get comfortable with the need to do this, talking with them is the first step here. Practice tends to alleviate a lot of anxiety about stuff, anyway.

[xLonely0ne]

Wow, I'm sorry you've been thru all this, it sounds so stressful for you.

Part of that stress currently sounds like it's coming from your folks not understanding what's going on with you and why you're refusing to go to school. Maybe they see it more as defiance than anxiety. People are less sympathetic to defiance, you know.

Goal one, then, is talking with them about what's really going on inside you. Yeah, i know, you said you 'can't do this,' but you really can. If you can type it, you can say it. And, it sounds critically important that you do. You and they sound like you're on a collision course. Let's come up with a way for you to say what you need to and work with them (instead of against them) to find a resolution to your school anxiety. Maybe some therapy, the presence of a therapist in the room might help.

Goal two would be getting you into school. Research shows that school anxiety is a pretty common problem, and that the longer the kid is out of school the harder it is to make a smooth transition back. Get back to school, go back, just do it. In addition to relieving a potentially explosive problem at home, you also make it easier on yourself. Eventually, you know you have to go back, anyway. If there's something the guidance counsellor or teachers can do, tell them.

You've been thru a lot, moves are hard, losing valued friends and attachments is never easy. Now, you're focused on the loss. But, before there's loss, there were those attachments. You'll make new ones, you know. You just have to get into things again. The longer you stay away, the longer it ill be until you find that again.

There are many other things that have happened to you that undoubtly have contributed and exacerbated the current situation. But, before thoe are addressed, it really sounds like you need to do damage control by talking with your folks and giving them ccurate info about what's going on, as well as getting back to school.

We're happy to help anyway we can here. Maybe we can practice what you'll say to your folks so you can get comfortable with the need to do this, talking with them is the first step here. Practice tends to alleviate a lot of anxiety about stuff, anyway.

Thanks alot for the advice =)
However, I have tried talking to my parents. The first time I refused school when I got back, they understood. I just basically told them that it was hard just randomly changing lifstyles and etc. My dad understood, but my mom was a little harder to convince.
My dad actually, he understands alot more of where I'm coming from. He changed alot, because when he was younger his dad was in the army. And the moved around the world alot himself.
My mom, however, just thinks I am making excuses.
We have a therapist, well, I have a therapist, and I'm seeing her in about 20 minutes. I'm going to try to address this issue to her. She's very... different. I must say, I always feel like she's judging me... but I feel like everyone is judging me, but I'll try.
As for my mom, I dont know what ot do about her. It's hard because she is like my best friend. Me and my mom have the best relationship out of anyone, and when she gets angry at me, I just cant take it.

[byee]

Thanks alot for the advice =)
However, I have tried talking to my parents. The first time I refused school when I got back, they understood. I just basically told them that it was hard just randomly changing lifstyles and etc. My dad understood, but my mom was a little harder to convince.
My dad actually, he understands alot more of where I'm coming from. He changed alot, because when he was younger his dad was in the army. And the moved around the world alot himself.
My mom, however, just thinks I am making excuses.
We have a therapist, well, I have a therapist, and I'm seeing her in about 20 minutes. I'm going to try to address this issue to her. She's very... different. I must say, I always feel like she's judging me... but I feel like everyone is judging me, but I'll try.
As for my mom, I dont know what ot do about her. It's hard because she is like my best friend. Me and my mom have the best relationship out of anyone, and when she gets angry at me, I just cant take it.

If you feel 'judged' by your therapist, you might want to tell her that. She can't help you if she's sitting in judgement of you. I'd bet that it feels like judgement because she's disagreeing with you, disagreement often feels like judgement. If she's disagreeing with you, and you feel it's because she doesn't understand your POV, then try explaining it differently, then tell her what it is you need from her.

Maybe it's time for the therapist and you to meet with mom and dad? Maybe you need some professional intervention here, someone who can help all of you focus on what's really going on. Maybe suggest this to the therapist.

[xLonely0ne]

If you feel 'judged' by your therapist, you might want to tell her that. She can't help you if she's sitting in judgement of you. I'd bet that it feels like judgement because she's disagreeing with you, disagreement often feels like judgement. If she's disagreeing with you, and you feel it's because she doesn't understand your POV, then try explaining it differently, then tell her what it is you need from her.

Maybe it's time for the therapist and you to meet with mom and dad? Maybe you need some professional intervention here, someone who can help all of you focus on what's really going on. Maybe suggest this to the therapist.


I will try.
And thank you so much! =)

[byee]

OK, good luck and let me know how it went.

[xLonely0ne]

I talked to my therapist, it went alright =) She shared some expierences with me that she had with her daughter, except it was the total opposite. Her daughter wanted to be the new kid, because she was involved in cliques, and gangs, and known for the negative stuff.
It was a good talk. My dad reccomended cyber school :=). However, my mom wasnt here though, she was stuck in traffic. Which means I'll still have to listen to her bitch about how much I hate her.
-sigh-