How can I help out my buddy? :,(

[Its Pretty]

So one of my good friends has recently told me that he cuts himself and I don't know how to deal with it. I've been trying to help him, but it's possible that what I see as lending a helping hand is just making his situation worse. What can I do to help him? Seeing him like this is tearing me apart and I just can't stand to see him in so much pain... Tell me, what should I absolutely not say to him under any circumstances? And what is some advice you could give me for dealing with this circumstance?



help pl0x :'(

[Castle of Glass]

Ok, well firstly, how good of a friend is he? how well do you know his family?
You can recommend them to go to a counselor or therapist or someone like that. If you know his family well(and you know his family are caring), you can tell him to tell his family. Do you know why he cuts? if you can answer those questions you can get more answers on how to help him.

Also, do not betray him. do not tell anyone about it(with out his permission). also, if you know why he cuts, try not to mention it too much, because that will trigger him.

[suicidalbutter]

This is going to sound odd, but just go with it. Detach yourself in a sense. Cutting isn't suicide, so they aren't going to die. So don't over worry about your friend. Cutting is usually just a coping mechanism. You can tell him it's bad, offer to talk about it, and you can even encourage him to stop but in the end you can't force him to stop. The urge to stop must come from within him.

Also, you shouldn't try to make him feel bad about this problem of his. Don't say anything along the terms "omg, why would you do this?" or "this is so dumb". Don't belittle or threaten to tell anyone about his coping or he'll lock back up and not trust another person with this information.

You can ask him about how often he cuts, and if he's tried to stop before. If he has tried to stop, ask him if he's willing to try again. Tell him that there are several ways he can try to stop on his own. Or he can seek professional help from a counselor. Remind him that there are alternative ways to cope, and that while you don't quite understand this coping mechanism you are willing to help him through it and find another way to cope that is less physically damaging to his body.

[Its Pretty]

Idk I guess he just hates himself. I do know his brother, but it wouldn't be a great idea to tell him. He appears to have very weak self-esteem. He has a suicide attempt under his belt, and he drinks and smokes the odd joint every now and then. Really, I don't know him in real life, we met over xbox live a while ago, and we've become good friends since, but he's told me his shit and now I have to help him. He also holds very little trust in people so I think he may be quite paranoid.

[Castle of Glass]

Yea, don't tell his brother. Do what raych(suicidalbutter) said. tell him that things do get better. Yes he told you his story, but you really can't force him to do anything. He has to be willing to do it on his own.

[Its Pretty]

And if he's already had a suicide attempt, his death may be a real possibility. This may sound selfish Suicidalbutter, but helping him is important to me the most. It's a selfish act. I want to help him so he can be happy, so I can be happy. He's tried to stop before, and he told me he has, only to return a week later with pics of his latest adventures with the blade. And they're fresh cuts too, the pictures. It's like he's doing it for attention, so I want to give him attention, just in the right way.

&of course he needs to be willing to change on his own, I can't 'force' him to do anything. Of course, I can indirectly change his lifestyle by bringing emotional reactions through the use of language. That's what talking is for, isn't it? The trade of information?

[suicidalbutter]

He doesn't hate himself, he might say he does but he's probably severely depressed (possibly major depression, though I don't know his story, since you said he's already attempted suicide before). Which means the disorder is causing him to feel as if he hates himself and living. If he was on medicine or seeking professional help he could move past these ill feelings.

It's only natural as a human being to try to reach out and help someone in need. it's nice that you are trying to help in the right way. It's not selfish. You're sucked in. You're the only person who knows about his cutting, and possibly the only person he seems to trust since you are on the internet you don't pose as a real life threat. He wants help, he just doesn't want it in the "forced" way of telling someone in real life and going to a mental ward to receive the help.

Also try to be a little more sensitive. Saying he seems to be doing it for attention sounds like you're being a dick about it. There are several people who will read this thread and see that as an offensive term for him just seeking help. People seek help in all sorts of ways. Showing you pictures of him harming isn't a "hey look at me. buhahahah" it's a "hey, i need fucking help. idk how else to seek help but to do it this way". Just try not to use the words "attention seeking" to him.

Drinking and smoking pot is considered another form of self harm.

I suggest you read this: http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?t=73510

You can only lend a listening ear, you can't professionally help him. You're a friend, not a therapist. I mean isn't that why you are asking here? you need advice on how to give him advice since you know nothing about the topic?

Here is one way he can try to stop:

Tell him to try not to cut for a day. Just 24 hours of no cutting. I'm sure he can do this (since you said he has tried to stop before). Then tell him try not to cut for 3 days. (3 full days. 72 hours) If he harms before the 3 days are up, he must start over the time frame.

If he can make it through this without cutting (even if he harms the 4th day) tell him to try for an entire week (7 full days). If he harms before the 7 days are up, he must start over the time frame.

If he can make it through this without cutting (even if he cuts on the 8th day) tell him to try to go for a week and a half (10 full days) without cutting. If he harms before the 10 days are up, he must start over the time frame.

If he can make it through this without cutting (even if he harms the 11th day) tell him to try for two entire weeks (14 full days). If he harms before the 14 days are up, he must start over the time frame.

If he can make it through this without harming (even if he harms the 15th day), tell him to try 3 weeks (21 full days). If he harms before the 21 days are up, he must start over the time frame.

If he goes through this without harming (even if he harms on the 22nd day), tell him to try for an entire month (31 full days). If he harms before the 31 days are up, he must start over the time frame.

Then he just continues to try to get through month by month without harming.

[Its Pretty]

He has other friends for support too.... I'm not trying to stop him from cutting, I don't know if it's become a serious problem or not. I just want him to be happy and satisfied with himself. Maybe having some friends who care around him will help give him that satisfaction.

[Harley Quinn]

To be honest, you need to just be there and do nothing else. The more you push someone just because you want to help them, they more they will leave. People don't like being pushed, they don't want to be constantly worried over 24/7 they just want to know that if there is a time they need help, you are there. You may want to help so you can be happy with yourself and you want him to be happy, you have to let him make his own life choices regardless of what you want. Never say someone is doing it for attention either, if you don't know why they do it, don't assume anything. Stop trying to change someone, they will do it on their own.

[These.scars.are.me.]

whatever you do dont say anything like i wish you wouldnt cut. or something like that because it will just make him feel guilty and that can be one of the biggest triggers. maybe just make sure he knows youre there but dont try to control him. maybe just ask him a question about something little to do with him self harming because then you can really try and help but if he answers reluctently maybe say somethig like, you dont have to tell mec you are just important to me and other people and i want to help because seeing you hurting isnt good

[teen.jpg]

If you don't know him in real life then you shouldn't even be this involved. You can try to help, but in the end it's up to him what decisions he makes.

[Its Pretty]

If you don't know him in real life then you shouldn't even be this involved. You can try to help, but in the end it's up to him what decisions he makes.

Why shouldn't I be involved if I don't know him in real life? The virtual interactions we have with other people effect our emotions in a real way, just like an 'irl' interaction would. Why not? I guarantee that if we were to meet 'irl' we would become good friends anyway. And of course it's up to him. I'm not trying to force him to to do anything. I don't give a (can I swear?) whether he cuts or drinks, I just want to see him happy, and it appears that he's cutting because he's not happy. Cutting is a problem that interferes with happiness, however, and continuing that habit only makes it worse.

[teen.jpg]

Why shouldn't I be involved if I don't know him in real life? The virtual interactions we have with other people effect our emotions in a real way, just like an 'irl' interaction would. Why not? I guarantee that if we were to meet 'irl' we would become good friends anyway. And of course it's up to him. I'm not trying to force him to to do anything. I don't give a (can I swear?) whether he cuts or drinks, I just want to see him happy, and it appears that he's cutting because he's not happy. Cutting is a problem that interferes with happiness, however, and continuing that habit only makes it worse.

I don't see how it would work out but I'm not stopping you.

[Versae]

If you can draw, draw something in his wrists that would make him remind of you. Like his favorite cartoon or your name saying that if he tries to cut himself , then he would be hurting you and his favorite character. I know this sounds immature, but trust me. It works... And you can also call him everytime even if he tells you not too. Just make him feel that he is not alone and that you're here for him.

[ksdnfkfr]

Like Kryptonite said, what I really need in situations like that is just for whoever to be there for me. Not trying to help, that just gets aggravating and the I feel guilty for feeling that way about someone trying to help. When it comes to support from others when I'm in a bad way, I'm needing for them to offer me distraction more than anything else.

[numbness]

i would try not to get to involved,talk to him if he wants to talk but try not to get to involved in it, i know its hard but its for the best