backing off from my best friend...

[crowdlost]

So my friendship with this dude has always had its ups and downs. I am always feeling jealous and annoyed when he is hanging out with other guy friends, and I'm constantly obsessing over why he hasn't called or texted me or came over. Basically, I am always "edgy" and nervous and annoyed.

But everyone knows that we've been best friend since the past 5 years. Of course, no one knows all these things that I've been feeling, though.

I went overseas for two months this summer and just came back a week ago, and I feel like I changed a bit on my vacation. I had very little interest in contacting him while on vacation, and I just felt like I was "better" and more "normal" while away, basically because I wasn't obsessing over him like I usually am.

So when I came back and we hung out and he said he'd been miserable for the past 2 months because his girlfriend moved away and he misses hanging out with me, I felt like I was one of the most important people in his life again. But then everything went back to where we were.

I find myself, again, obsessing over him. He does not contact me at all, unless I talk to him first. He's always hanging out with other guys, always busy with them, and I am ALWAYS jealous of them because they get to hang out with them.


Sitting here alone for the past few hours, I've decided to back away from him completely, not to initiate conversation unless he does so first, not to call or text or go over to his house, or anything. I feel like I need to get him out of my life, even though it is so, so, so hard to do so. But being away for two months made me realize that I can do it, and that I feel better without him in my life because his presence stresses me out (even though he seriously has NO clue about any of this). His presence in my life has me question my sexuality (I mean, why am I so freakin' obsessed over another guy?!) among many other things...

I just wanted to really hear other people's opinions on this, whether it's a good idea to back off for a while. Just to go back where we were 6 years ago, say hello when we cross paths and that's it. Even though it will be extremely difficult, I think I would rather have no best friend in my life than have HIM stressing me out all of the time.

[sqishy]

If he's causing problems by not giving you space to be by yourself, or you are spending too much time thinking about the situation, it's probably better to take a breather and tell him that you need some time to yourself, or at least without him. He should respect that in some way and go with it; if he doesn't, perhaps you have both changed in respect to each other to the point that the friendship can't continue, and that you both need to move on.

All the best for you in this. I have little experience with this sort of thing (being hardly social at all), but I can see that you need some time to think.

Hope this helps!

[Living For Love]

Well, let's assume what he said when you came back from holidays after those 2 months was true and honest. If he said that he missed hang out with you, that means you're still important for him. But the situation then went back to what it was before you went overseas, so there wasn't really any evolution in your friendship.

My guess is that he's trying to keep you as a friend only, and not the most important person in his life. He felt pressured when he met the other guys whose friendship he would probably lose if he stopped hanging out with them. As you said, your relation with him has had its ups and down, so he thought you wouldn't mind if he stopped hanging out with you. When you came back from holidays, he told you he missed hanging out with you just because he knew that that would make you be friend with him again after so much time separated from him (and he was right). When he was again sure he had your frindship in his control, he started to hang out with the other guys again.

So, what I'm trying to say is that he want you to be his friend, but he obviously want to be closer with the other guys because he gives more importance to them.

I think what you did was right, stopping texting and calling him unless he does it first. Let's see what will be his reaction to that. I don't want to try predicting anything, but if he still want to be your friend, he'll contact you again. If not, he's not your friend.

You should also try to befriend the other guys he's been hanging out with, if they are your type and if you feel comfortable about that. And, of course, you may feel worried about him and jealous, but that doesn't define your sexuality. Whatever happens, don't let this stress you out. You'll eventualy find other friends around.

[crowdlost]

Thank you guys. It helps to know that someone out there understand me :)

Backing off has been harder than I expected :( As for trying to befriend the other guys he's been hanging out with, that is out of the question. I cannot stand them. I tried spending time with them but they are just obnoxious and rude.

Plus, I feel like they purposely try to make me jealous sometimes. One of them, for example, just randomly mentioned that my friend had a sleep over at his house and they had a blast all night and stuff. It made me jealous but also angry. The topic was just VERY random and even other people who were there when this conversation happened found it very odd how the guy just mentioned this all of a sudden. It just feels like these guys are purposely trying to make it sound like they are best friends with him now, and I'm out. Everything feels like a competition!

I had to change my cell phone number a couple of days ago (for completely different reasons) and after I got a new one I was very skeptic about whether I should text my friend and tell him this is my new number. But because I am trying to "back away", I didn't do it.

Then I bumped into him yesterday and he was very mad, asking me why I didn't contact him from my new number and that he texted my old number.

I'm just so, so confused. All the time. And tired of this whole thing. I really wish I'd never met him five years ago so none of this drama (which I am pretty much creating in my head!) would exist.

Thank you for reading, folks.

[Living For Love]

Thank you guys. It helps to know that someone out there understand me :)

Backing off has been harder than I expected :( As for trying to befriend the other guys he's been hanging out with, that is out of the question. I cannot stand them. I tried spending time with them but they are just obnoxious and rude.

Plus, I feel like they purposely try to make me jealous sometimes. One of them, for example, just randomly mentioned that my friend had a sleep over at his house and they had a blast all night and stuff. It made me jealous but also angry. The topic was just VERY random and even other people who were there when this conversation happened found it very odd how the guy just mentioned this all of a sudden. It just feels like these guys are purposely trying to make it sound like they are best friends with him now, and I'm out. Everything feels like a competition!

I had to change my cell phone number a couple of days ago (for completely different reasons) and after I got a new one I was very skeptic about whether I should text my friend and tell him this is my new number. But because I am trying to "back away", I didn't do it.

Then I bumped into him yesterday and he was very mad, asking me why I didn't contact him from my new number and that he texted my old number.

I'm just so, so confused. All the time. And tired of this whole thing. I really wish I'd never met him five years ago so none of this drama (which I am pretty much creating in my head!) would exist.

Thank you for reading, folks.


Well, you just need to answer him. He was mad because you didn't give him your phone number. So, you should tell him the truth, that you think he doesn't give you enough attention as a friend you supposedly are to him and that his new friends are trying to tease you and making you back off from him and feeling jealous.

I guess the problem is also on all those guys he started to hang out with. It's obvious they are putting a lot of pressure on him, so that he stops contacting and hanging out with you.

I think it's better if you continue to back off from him, as long as he continues to be with the other guys, or at least try to warn him that they are clearly a bad influence for him.

[NikosamA98]

Why don't you just tell him how you feel? And suddenly I remember I can't do it with my exbestfriend so I can't give you that advise :'(

[Laquifa]

I feel that if he's causing you all of this pain and anguish, you should let him go. No one should have to deal with that from someone that considers them a friend.

[crowdlost]

Thank you all for your help and understanding! It means a lot to me.

Well, you just need to answer him. He was mad because you didn't give him your phone number. So, you should tell him the truth, that you think he doesn't give you enough attention as a friend you supposedly are to him and that his new friends are trying to tease you and making you back off from him and feeling jealous.

I guess the problem is also on all those guys he started to hang out with. It's obvious they are putting a lot of pressure on him, so that he stops contacting and hanging out with you.

I think it's better if you continue to back off from him, as long as he continues to be with the other guys, or at least try to warn him that they are clearly a bad influence for him.


I am still backing off, but he seems to make it a little difficult sometimes. It had been a few days since I hadn't talked or seen him when he texted late at night yesterday asking me if I could come over. Of course, because I am so freakin' obsessed with him (God, I hate myself! Lol) I went over to his house and we hung out in his room till 3am. He was telling me about his problems with his girlfriend. She cheated on him like 6 months ago and for some reason he forgave her (a while later) and now he's just very obsessive and cannot trust her.

Here's the thing. I do feel SO special when he talks to me about these things. Especially about his girlfriend. Because no one knows why they broke up that time. Everyone would ask him, and me, and he would just say "it wasn't meant to be" or "we had a few differences" or something. But I was the only one (besides her, of course lol) to know that she cheated on him. He's very "macho" like that. Of course, I understand completely.

But I feel like the nature of our relationship is like this:
- We are alone, just me and him: I feel so special, and like I am the most important friend of his. I know EVERY single detail of his life. He tells me he can't trust anyone with the kind of stuff he tells me.

- We are NOT alone. It's a group of people, some of them he doesn't even LIKE: I feel left-out, like I'm not even there, invisible, trying to make conversation with other people because I feel too awkward to talk to HIM in front of others. Like, what the hell do I talk to him about? In front of other people. Me and him are very different people. I think it all goes back to the fact that he is VERY social and talkative and can make conversation with anyone, while I'm a little shy in large groups and only "shine" when in smaller, more comfortable groups.


Sometimes I feel like I'm just creating all this in my head. Like, there ARE no issues between me and him. I'm sure for him, there aren't. He probably feels like we have a very cool, perfect relationship. But I have been hurt so many times by him, when in groups.

There are times when he would literally forget that I am there, within that group.

Anyway, thank you for taking the time to read this! And thanks again so much for all your help :D

[JamesSuperBoy]

I think you should back off and go find other friends - you admit to obsessing over him and that is not really a great start.

Might be he just calls you when non of the other guys are around.

[smithers]

im in the same exact position
i even left all summer also and my friend grew closer with his other friends this summer
jsust tell him that u miss him

[crowdlost]

Still me. Everything still sucks. I still feel like crap most of the time. And im all alone dealing with this shit. Great. Here comes the depression.

[Living For Love]

Still me. Everything still sucks. I still feel like crap most of the time. And im all alone dealing with this shit. Great. Here comes the depression.


Don't let this get the best of you. I guess it's time for you to move on with your life. This whole situation, sorry to say, is consuming you. Get some new friends, meet some other people. If he needs your help, or if he needs to talk to you sometimes, great, let him know that he can count on you, but stop thinking about him and his friends all the time, it's only complicating even more.

[sqishy]

I am still backing off, but he seems to make it a little difficult sometimes. It had been a few days since I hadn't talked or seen him when he texted late at night yesterday asking me if I could come over. Of course, because I am so freakin' obsessed with him (God, I hate myself! Lol) I went over to his house and we hung out in his room till 3am. He was telling me about his problems with his girlfriend. She cheated on him like 6 months ago and for some reason he forgave her (a while later) and now he's just very obsessive and cannot trust her.

Here's the thing. I do feel SO special when he talks to me about these things. Especially about his girlfriend. Because no one knows why they broke up that time. Everyone would ask him, and me, and he would just say "it wasn't meant to be" or "we had a few differences" or something. But I was the only one (besides her, of course lol) to know that she cheated on him. He's very "macho" like that. Of course, I understand completely.

But I feel like the nature of our relationship is like this:
- We are alone, just me and him: I feel so special, and like I am the most important friend of his. I know EVERY single detail of his life. He tells me he can't trust anyone with the kind of stuff he tells me.


Obsession is never a good thing. Believe me, when I got obsessed with the person I had a crush on, things were only going to get bad when he'd leave, and my obsessive thoughts wouldn't be fed anymore. When that did happen my mood plummeted every day as part of a mood swing because of that.
If you are putting more in trying to keep this friendship than you are getting out of it, you may need to re-evaluate your situation.

[drew6]

....

[Special K]

If he's causing that kind of trouble it's time to move on.

[crowdlost]

It does seem that you might be obsessed with your best friend and I'm don't think that's good for you because of the wide swings in how you feel whether you are around him or not. You have the most knowledge about this relationship, I think you should take some of the energy you've put into making yourself .... a little crazy over this ... into attempting to look at the relationship as if you weren't involved.

If he's a high energy very social guy and you aren't he just needs to be with people that are similar to him even if they are goofy or don't act like you'd want them too. My best friend and I are very similar in that regard with how active we both are and need to be. We're similar in how social we need to be with other people as well.

Something that would help people on this thread would be to know: your age, his age, things that you are both interested in, things that you are separately interested in, is there a chance you have a crush on him, is it more convenient for him to get together with other people than it is with you - basically I think you need to tell us more about you and about him and your lives.



Sorry I took a while to answer. Things you need to know: we are both 20 years old. I think it's a little hard to pin down exactly any interests we both have in common, but it's just that the company is "comfortable" and familiar. Just hanging out together (alone) feels good and nice, and not hanging out or talking for a long period of time makes me really anxious and worried that our friendship is drifting.

So here's an update on what I've done.

I confronted him, told him how I felt. He didn't take it as SERIOUSLY as I thought, but instead he got a little defensive and mad. He told me that I'm always doing this, telling him that he's a horrible friend and that he's drifting away from me. The conversation sort of just "ended" abruptly because we got interrupted.

That was exactly 1 week ago. We haven't spoken, texted or called each other since then.

I did see him in the weekend. It was incredibely awkward. For some reason, I just couldn't look at him! I wanted him to know that I was mad, so I just did NOT make eye-contact at all. We didn't say hi (we were in a large group) but I did feel like he was being awkward too.

Later that night, his cousin (also a mutual friend and someone I trust a lot) texted me if something was wrong between me and my friend. I asked him how he knew. He said that when we were all sitting together for 3 hours, my friend didn't look at me and later he asked him if he was mad at me, and he just blankly said "Yes. He's changed."


On one hand, I am happy that he is mad. I want him to be a little mad because hell, I've been mad and angry and depressed for a while myself. On the other hand, I know exactly how this is gonna pan out. He is stubborn and selfish, and he will NOT attempt to talk to me first. He just won't. I could either end up talking first and reconciling (which I am positive I could do) or I could refuse to talk first and therefore no one talks first and therefore...goodbye.

Sorry this was long. Needed to vent my ass off!

[Living For Love]

I guess he is expecting you to also understand his side: having another group of friends doesn't mean he can't have you as a friend too, but having you as a friend, on the other hand, doesn't mean he always needs to be hanging out with you and be with you.

I think you should approach him and tell him you want to be his friend and you also want him to be your friend. Tell him that you've been nervous and anxious in the recent weeks and that you were just a bit angry when you told him that, a week ago. Make him know that he can count on you and trust in you, and that you are always available in case he needs something. Give him a hug and, then, walk away.

Then, you just need to understand that you also have the right to have another friends, like he has, so that's what I suggest you: meet some other people, hang out with another guy or girl, just move on, don't let him control all that happens in your life. If he calls you, great, go see him. If you don't see he's calling you or giving much importance, just text him asking if everything is ok, but don't act like you're a stalker or obsessed with him again.

Perhaps you may think that he is playing with you, that he just sees you as an ultimate resource he can rely on when he feels very down and depressed. It's ok, at least he trusts you. But a friend is a friend for all ocasions, not only in the bad moments. His definition of friend is clearly a bad one, but that's not your fault.

So, to resume, you just need to see him as a good friend, not a very best bromantic friend, because, unfortunately, he doesn't see you that way. Maybe when his other group of friends leave him, he'll come back to you, but then you just have to tell him that you've also moved on and that you now have another group of friends just like he had in the past.

[crowdlost]

I guess he is expecting you to also understand his side: having another group of friends doesn't mean he can't have you as a friend too, but having you as a friend, on the other hand, doesn't mean he always needs to be hanging out with you and be with you.

I think you should approach him and tell him you want to be his friend and you also want him to be your friend. Tell him that you've been nervous and anxious in the recent weeks and that you were just a bit angry when you told him that, a week ago. Make him know that he can count on you and trust in you, and that you are always available in case he needs something. Give him a hug and, then, walk away.

Then, you just need to understand that you also have the right to have another friends, like he has, so that's what I suggest you: meet some other people, hang out with another guy or girl, just move on, don't let him control all that happens in your life. If he calls you, great, go see him. If you don't see he's calling you or giving much importance, just text him asking if everything is ok, but don't act like you're a stalker or obsessed with him again.

Perhaps you may think that he is playing with you, that he just sees you as an ultimate resource he can rely on when he feels very down and depressed. It's ok, at least he trusts you. But a friend is a friend for all ocasions, not only in the bad moments. His definition of friend is clearly a bad one, but that's not your fault.

So, to resume, you just need to see him as a good friend, not a very best bromantic friend, because, unfortunately, he doesn't see you that way. Maybe when his other group of friends leave him, he'll come back to you, but then you just have to tell him that you've also moved on and that you now have another group of friends just like he had in the past.


WOW. JUST WOW.

If anyone here deserves a hug, it definitely YOU! Lol. Seriously!

I feel like this is EXACTLY what I wanted to hear, but I just needed to hear it from someone other than myself. And strangely, I feel SO, SO much better.

Everything you said makes sense, and I know I may sound lame or whatever but it's totally what I needed to hear right now. This just totally got me out of my depression (or whatever it was that I was experiencing).

I am thinking of approaching him, and reconciling, and then doing just what you mentioned. Being a friend. Period.

Now that I've started college, I have to wait till weekends to see him again, so I think I'll just wait till then. I don't want to do this over a text.

Thank you. So much. You're awesome! :D

[drew6]

....

[crowdlost]

More info is better, so I like a lengthy post.

I'm a fan of treat others how I'd like to be treated. If I like someone, I let them know it because I'd like to know it. Not looking at him? Look what that got you - being ignored.

I honestly think that with your friend or anyone, but particularly your closest friend, you should be yourself and be the best person you can be. Not communicating with someone never ends well. Think about that. It can't. It's a stalemate.

I think what's going on is you two have different expectations from each other. I believe you'd like him to devote his free time to you and he'd like to just give you a portion of it here and there. Because of that, I think you'll be most happy with yourself in the long run if you be there for him when you can and to not ever mention to him or imply or hint that he isn't being a good friend.

He may not be treating you as well as you'd like and it seems to have morphed into a competition of who's winning or is everything equal. Does he owe me or I owe him? - that type of thinking. And I think you'd be better served to help people you feel lead to help and set your expectation to get nothing in return. THEN, if you do get something, anything, it's just that much better.

I like helping people. I like helping my friends. I'm glad to do it and feel lucky to help. In my mind, if I'm able to help someone, I must be doing pretty well to be able to help. I'm healthy and strong, if someone says they're moving something, I'll volunteer my help or they'll ask me. Either way I'm happy to do it because my body works great - not everyone does.

I think it's worth reflecting on and to think about if our pride is getting in the way. Even if someone ONLY calls you when they need help, if you choose to help them, you know you did the right thing. Over time, other people will know that too. Being in a position to help someone who needs it is an opportunity to connect with them.


Great post, once again. I totally get what you're saying, and it makes so much sense to me. See, that's the thing. Whenever I'm on this forum, I get a clear sense of what I'm supposed to do and how I'm supposed to act and I feel better because people like you and many others who have helped me on this forums make me realize that I need to talk to him again (even if just as friends, with me not expecting any "best friend" relationship from him).

But then I sit alone for a few minutes, and there's a voice screaming into my head: "But why the hell isn't he talking first?"

It's a crazy, silly voice but in my head, sometimes, that voice makes sense. Because I have absolutely NO idea, NO clue if he's even devoting a millisecond of his day thinking about our fight or whether or not he should talk to me, while me on the other hand...oh boy, I come up with different scenarios and thoughts every couple of minutes. My mind is set on texting him, then that voice screams into my head again, and I put the phone down.

That's exactly how our fight started one week ago. I didn't want to say anything to him about how I'd been feeling. But then I felt like I wasn't giving myself enough credit (or I wasn't respecting myself enough) if I didn't say anything. And look where that got me, lol.

I still think I shouldn't talk to him until I see him (closest day would be this Friday) because I could totally ruin things for good if we're doing it on the phone.

But even then (Friday), I have a feeling I'll chicken out...or, in better words, NOT chicken out and actually wait for HIM to talk first. Which, if it's ever gonna happen, won't be anytime this month.

Thanks again for your great post! You have no idea how helpful this has been to me, honestly!

[NeuroTiger]

Ive got friends who wanted to 'possess' me before since they like my character.
I'm always trying to satisfy everyone and many people consider me as their best friends. That's the problem.
At school, I'm ok with almost everyone in my age group and sometimes I feel like the friend to whom I'm with feel awkward when I talk to someone else, a bit like your case.
I've a best friend to whom I spend most of my time. But it happens that we have different friends.
After all, everyone should be free and be allow to think for himself.
Believe me, he still likes you as a very good friend. It's just that he doesn't want to hurt anyone in the sense that he doesn't want to break any friendship, especially not yours.