Spook
August 21st, 2013, 10:23 AM
I'm baaaack. >:]
I spent about 20 minutes deciding where to put this, because it's gonna spin into a fuckery of randomness....but most of it has to do with mental illness, so what the hell.. Yeah. So. A lot has happened to me lately.
-My mom got diagnosed with multiple Schlerosis.
-I reunited w/ my birthmom, and my mom is pissed at my her for finding me.
-School started.
-Dance started, and there are tons of bitches.
Anyway, the worst part of it all has been my OCD. It's been getting into my head again. When I was like 12, it kind of reached it's height then it died down when I was 13 and I hadn't seen it since. But now it's baaack, just like me. xO
So basically these are the components:
*Washing hands until they bleed
*Biting my cuticles
*Unwillingness to eat/anorexia
*Thinking I have to be at the weight 110 (im 130) because 3 is an odd #
*Evening out my steps on either foot
*Doing certain rituals
*Straightening things so they're even on each side or in their place, obsessively
*Doing/saying something a certain number of times
*Voices telling me to do something (if I don't do them something bad will happen, and often it's something dangerous or harmful)
*Eye tic where I blink really hard
*Tic where I rub my fingers together constantly (for whatever weird reason)
*My head is a constant noisy jumble of "did you do this...or this? go check this..do this?" and my panic level is off the wall.
*Sleeplessness from having to do rituals
*Feelings of things crawling underneath my skin
*Having to take up to 3 showers on severe days
*Not being able to touch certain things
TO NAME A FEW.
Really, I never get a quiet moment because I'm always panicking, following a ritual, etc. And if I don't do something my mind is pushing me to do, I can compare the feeling to standing in front of a moving car- panic, and just an annoying feeling that builds in my chest up to my throat until I can't breathe.
Sometimes if the feeling gets bad enough, I get violent and want to hurt myself for no reason. I'll start scratching myself, pulling my hair, etc.
I seriously feel like I'm going crazy.
I really hate when people say "I'm OCD about cleaning stuff up." It just makes me angry they can say that, because you have NO idea.
I spent about 20 minutes deciding where to put this, because it's gonna spin into a fuckery of randomness....but most of it has to do with mental illness, so what the hell.. Yeah. So. A lot has happened to me lately.
-My mom got diagnosed with multiple Schlerosis.
-I reunited w/ my birthmom, and my mom is pissed at my her for finding me.
-School started.
-Dance started, and there are tons of bitches.
Anyway, the worst part of it all has been my OCD. It's been getting into my head again. When I was like 12, it kind of reached it's height then it died down when I was 13 and I hadn't seen it since. But now it's baaack, just like me. xO
So basically these are the components:
*Washing hands until they bleed
*Biting my cuticles
*Unwillingness to eat/anorexia
*Thinking I have to be at the weight 110 (im 130) because 3 is an odd #
*Evening out my steps on either foot
*Doing certain rituals
*Straightening things so they're even on each side or in their place, obsessively
*Doing/saying something a certain number of times
*Voices telling me to do something (if I don't do them something bad will happen, and often it's something dangerous or harmful)
*Eye tic where I blink really hard
*Tic where I rub my fingers together constantly (for whatever weird reason)
*My head is a constant noisy jumble of "did you do this...or this? go check this..do this?" and my panic level is off the wall.
*Sleeplessness from having to do rituals
*Feelings of things crawling underneath my skin
*Having to take up to 3 showers on severe days
*Not being able to touch certain things
TO NAME A FEW.
Really, I never get a quiet moment because I'm always panicking, following a ritual, etc. And if I don't do something my mind is pushing me to do, I can compare the feeling to standing in front of a moving car- panic, and just an annoying feeling that builds in my chest up to my throat until I can't breathe.
Sometimes if the feeling gets bad enough, I get violent and want to hurt myself for no reason. I'll start scratching myself, pulling my hair, etc.
I seriously feel like I'm going crazy.
I really hate when people say "I'm OCD about cleaning stuff up." It just makes me angry they can say that, because you have NO idea.