Dunce
August 20th, 2013, 06:59 AM
For the past year or so I have been in an extremely low mood. It's getting really hard to handle now. I wouldn't describe it as depression, because I had depression a few years ago and this is different.
Or maybe I'm wrong, maybe I have depression now and didn't back then.
What I'm feeling now is basically hatred for myself and everything around me, low self esteem, low energy. It's hard to get out of bed in the morning, it's hard to get up to do something important after sitting down.
A few years ago when I had depression my mind was always racing, my head hurt, I was so tired all the time (I am now, still). I felt like I was in an extremely dark place where I wasn't experiencing life like I should be. I could see happiness right in front of me sometimes but I didn't feel anything. I cried, not a lot, but it was always out of frustration.
Now when I cry it's out of sadness. I can feel now, but it's just pain. When I started coming out of depression I felt sad but it was nice. When I started coming out of depression people kept asking me if I was okay because I seemed sad, and I was but it was okay.
But now it's too much. I almost wish I couldn't feel anything anymore because everything is so shit.
I don't have many friends in college and the work is hard and it's a struggle to go in and do the work, but realistically there's nothing else I could be doing without feeling the same. I can't talk to people, my mind empties and I feel like I'm being scrutinised. I just feel like I'm saying the wrong things. Back when I was actually depressed I feel like I was more social because even though I felt hopeless, I was also fighting for survival and people were my lifeline. They were the one good thing. Now I just feel like I hate people.
I went to a counselor and he made me feel awful. I can see why, I sound like I just need to get the fuck over myself, but I can't. I have tried and I just can't. I feel like I've given up.
What's going on with me? It's just like my personality, I'm just sad and antisocial. But I hate it, and I won't accept it. I can't live with myself anymore. Is it possible to be depressed in two different ways at different times? In writing the symptoms of both of the things sound the same, but they're not.
Or maybe I'm wrong, maybe I have depression now and didn't back then.
What I'm feeling now is basically hatred for myself and everything around me, low self esteem, low energy. It's hard to get out of bed in the morning, it's hard to get up to do something important after sitting down.
A few years ago when I had depression my mind was always racing, my head hurt, I was so tired all the time (I am now, still). I felt like I was in an extremely dark place where I wasn't experiencing life like I should be. I could see happiness right in front of me sometimes but I didn't feel anything. I cried, not a lot, but it was always out of frustration.
Now when I cry it's out of sadness. I can feel now, but it's just pain. When I started coming out of depression I felt sad but it was nice. When I started coming out of depression people kept asking me if I was okay because I seemed sad, and I was but it was okay.
But now it's too much. I almost wish I couldn't feel anything anymore because everything is so shit.
I don't have many friends in college and the work is hard and it's a struggle to go in and do the work, but realistically there's nothing else I could be doing without feeling the same. I can't talk to people, my mind empties and I feel like I'm being scrutinised. I just feel like I'm saying the wrong things. Back when I was actually depressed I feel like I was more social because even though I felt hopeless, I was also fighting for survival and people were my lifeline. They were the one good thing. Now I just feel like I hate people.
I went to a counselor and he made me feel awful. I can see why, I sound like I just need to get the fuck over myself, but I can't. I have tried and I just can't. I feel like I've given up.
What's going on with me? It's just like my personality, I'm just sad and antisocial. But I hate it, and I won't accept it. I can't live with myself anymore. Is it possible to be depressed in two different ways at different times? In writing the symptoms of both of the things sound the same, but they're not.