imjustrhys
August 18th, 2013, 10:46 AM
Hello, i'm Rhys.
About 2 years ago I started cutting. I went to the doctor's to find out why exactly I was doing this, and I got diagnosed with psychotic depression. I constantly felt as if I wasn't good enough to be here. Ever since I was 9, I've never really had any self-confidence whatsoever. A year and a half ago, I almost committed suicide. The only thing that stopped me was realising how incredibly selfish that was, towards my family. Nevertheless, my family was incredibly worried about me, and helped me overcome my mental illness. They got in touch with a councilor and slowly but surely, I felt as if i'd overcome this mental barricade that was in front of me. I was so happy to be discharged and felt like I could do anything.
About 2 months ago, I finished my first year of college, I felt so happy that I had completed something in my life, and had something to stand for. I get the coach back to my town from the college, which takes about 40 minutes. Strangely enough, for the first time in a long time, I felt so low. I felt as if i'd lost something stupidly precious to me. As time went on travelling home, I started getting tears in my eyes, because I was so low, but I had no idea why. Anyway, me and my friend get off the coach and my Mum picks us up and takes us home. On the way home, Mum notices something is wrong with me, as i'm not really speaking at all. But she doesn't say anything, as she most likely didn't want to start a fuss in the car whilst my friend's there. Later on in the car journey, a car pulls a stupid move and pulls out in front of Mum. Other than trying to commit suicide, this was the closest to death i'd ever felt. We was so close to being knocked off the road and being in the ditch at the side. The weird thing is, because I felt so low, I didn't care. I noticed Mum and my friend screaming and panicking because we were close to death, but I was so relaxed, I honestly didn't care if we smashed into a car it ended my life. Once we'd got home I noticed Mum looking at me as if she wanted a word with me, but instead I ran upstairs grabbed a compass and ran into the bathroom & locked the door. I cut myself. For the first time in almost 2 years I cut myself, and i'm not going to lie it felt wonderful. Everything slowed down; my emotions, feelings, time. Although it felt good, there was a difference between when I cut then, and when I cut 2 years ago. I felt so, so guilty. I just felt so bad, because I knew i'd done so well to not hurt myself for that period of time, and the clock has just started all over again. I felt ashamed, but relieved.
Yesterday, I was at a barbecue with my family and family friends, everything so very merry and happy. It had an awesome vibe. I liked a girl, not someone that was at the event, but a girl that away on a hen party. Baring in mind i'm 17, and she is 18. We had been speaking on a daily basis for at least a month. She said she liked me, I said I liked her, all gravy right? No. We argued a lot, and fought and the whole 9 yards. Even though we wasn't in a relationship yet. The night before she went away, we had an argument, after the argument I apologised and said I loved her. Which I truly felt I did. She said she apologises also, and said she'd fallen for me, and that no matter what, she will always be there for me. Those words meant so much to me because I had felt lonely for a long time. Anyway after the barbecue yesterday, I private messaged her on Facebook asking the normal things like "How are you?" "Are you enjoying your time away" etc. We had a chat for about 10 minutes, until she asks me a really odd question which is to do with my age. I'll cut it short, but she's decided that because i'm 17, and she's 18 it's weird to her, and she doesn't want to speak to me again. My heart honestly broke into two pieces. I was so upset, I felt physically ill. In tears, I held my head in my hands and started to think really bad thoughts, like I used to. I reach into my drawer and get out my compos. I cut myself. Again, I felt quite ashamed(although not as much as the last time I cut) but I felt unbelievably relieved. It stopped me thinking about everything and focused on the pain. I actually felt happy...
My mother's been pampering me today, which has been quite nice of her! Though she can tell something's wrong, as she's constantly asking me if i'm alright and if I need to speak to someone etc. I've not told her anything.
What do I do? I'm in need of some help. I don't know weather I'm going back to that stage of being pretty suicidal which means I could get in touch with another councilor, or weather I should leave it and hope I can manage by myself. Any advice would be amazing. I've never really done this type of sharing before, but thank you all for reading, it means a lot.
That's my story.
About 2 years ago I started cutting. I went to the doctor's to find out why exactly I was doing this, and I got diagnosed with psychotic depression. I constantly felt as if I wasn't good enough to be here. Ever since I was 9, I've never really had any self-confidence whatsoever. A year and a half ago, I almost committed suicide. The only thing that stopped me was realising how incredibly selfish that was, towards my family. Nevertheless, my family was incredibly worried about me, and helped me overcome my mental illness. They got in touch with a councilor and slowly but surely, I felt as if i'd overcome this mental barricade that was in front of me. I was so happy to be discharged and felt like I could do anything.
About 2 months ago, I finished my first year of college, I felt so happy that I had completed something in my life, and had something to stand for. I get the coach back to my town from the college, which takes about 40 minutes. Strangely enough, for the first time in a long time, I felt so low. I felt as if i'd lost something stupidly precious to me. As time went on travelling home, I started getting tears in my eyes, because I was so low, but I had no idea why. Anyway, me and my friend get off the coach and my Mum picks us up and takes us home. On the way home, Mum notices something is wrong with me, as i'm not really speaking at all. But she doesn't say anything, as she most likely didn't want to start a fuss in the car whilst my friend's there. Later on in the car journey, a car pulls a stupid move and pulls out in front of Mum. Other than trying to commit suicide, this was the closest to death i'd ever felt. We was so close to being knocked off the road and being in the ditch at the side. The weird thing is, because I felt so low, I didn't care. I noticed Mum and my friend screaming and panicking because we were close to death, but I was so relaxed, I honestly didn't care if we smashed into a car it ended my life. Once we'd got home I noticed Mum looking at me as if she wanted a word with me, but instead I ran upstairs grabbed a compass and ran into the bathroom & locked the door. I cut myself. For the first time in almost 2 years I cut myself, and i'm not going to lie it felt wonderful. Everything slowed down; my emotions, feelings, time. Although it felt good, there was a difference between when I cut then, and when I cut 2 years ago. I felt so, so guilty. I just felt so bad, because I knew i'd done so well to not hurt myself for that period of time, and the clock has just started all over again. I felt ashamed, but relieved.
Yesterday, I was at a barbecue with my family and family friends, everything so very merry and happy. It had an awesome vibe. I liked a girl, not someone that was at the event, but a girl that away on a hen party. Baring in mind i'm 17, and she is 18. We had been speaking on a daily basis for at least a month. She said she liked me, I said I liked her, all gravy right? No. We argued a lot, and fought and the whole 9 yards. Even though we wasn't in a relationship yet. The night before she went away, we had an argument, after the argument I apologised and said I loved her. Which I truly felt I did. She said she apologises also, and said she'd fallen for me, and that no matter what, she will always be there for me. Those words meant so much to me because I had felt lonely for a long time. Anyway after the barbecue yesterday, I private messaged her on Facebook asking the normal things like "How are you?" "Are you enjoying your time away" etc. We had a chat for about 10 minutes, until she asks me a really odd question which is to do with my age. I'll cut it short, but she's decided that because i'm 17, and she's 18 it's weird to her, and she doesn't want to speak to me again. My heart honestly broke into two pieces. I was so upset, I felt physically ill. In tears, I held my head in my hands and started to think really bad thoughts, like I used to. I reach into my drawer and get out my compos. I cut myself. Again, I felt quite ashamed(although not as much as the last time I cut) but I felt unbelievably relieved. It stopped me thinking about everything and focused on the pain. I actually felt happy...
My mother's been pampering me today, which has been quite nice of her! Though she can tell something's wrong, as she's constantly asking me if i'm alright and if I need to speak to someone etc. I've not told her anything.
What do I do? I'm in need of some help. I don't know weather I'm going back to that stage of being pretty suicidal which means I could get in touch with another councilor, or weather I should leave it and hope I can manage by myself. Any advice would be amazing. I've never really done this type of sharing before, but thank you all for reading, it means a lot.
That's my story.