is this normal?

[low_on_air]

I've never cut often. I actually cut myself only 6 times in more than 1,5 year.
Something I notice with myself is that after I cut I easily go without for a few months without really having to fight for it. Then after a while the urge comes back and after a few weeks of trying to fight very strong urges I end up giving in. Is that normal? Should I worry about this?

Another thing that I don't really understand about myself is that I always somewhere hope someone notices. Of course I do hide it for others but I still can't help myself thinking about how good it'd feel if someone would show how much he/she cares about me. I am not really sure for what reason I cut myself. Sometimes I end up thinking I only do it because I hope someone notices. But at the same time I don't want anyone to know.Does that make me attention seeking?

(sorry for mistakes I might've made; I'm not a native English speaker)

[Tarannosaurus]

That's normal when I used to cut I wanted people to know but at the same time I didn't. I think it's because I wanted people to notice so i could get help from someone but wasn't sure how to approach anyone. I used to find this annoying when it said this on websites but you really should tell a close friend about what's happening. I think this could help you since you don't get the urges often but they're strong. When you get them you can talk about them and your friend can talk you out of cutting. I have a friend that had this trick that might help you if talking doesn't work: instead of cutting she drew on her wrist with red marker, it's still doing the action and leaving a mark but not dangerous and it will wash away. I hope some of this helps and good luck :)

[suicidalbutter]

it's normal for someone having the addiction to it. I used to be able to only cut every 3-4 months and be fine. The urge would come, I'd subdue it and then i'd go on my merry way for a few months. the urge would come back and i'd do it all over again.

you aren't attention seeking. You said you still try to hide them, meaning you are just hoping that someone catches a glimpse if they somehow show. That's normal. I think we all secretly want someone to find out about it so that we can get help or at least finally stop having to keep it all a secret from someone close to us.

[low_on_air]

Thanks for you replies guys!

I've told friends earlier - I just tend to talk about it with the same person once and then never bring up the subject again. Even if they ask I just tell them the urges went away and I am fine though that's often a lie. I'd just feel really attention seeking if I'd talk about it more because I don't really have big problems or something.

[Tarannosaurus]

I know what you mean but your problems aren't insignificant to someone else's. This is something that affects you and if you don't talk about it it can make you feel more alone and it could possibly get worse if you keep your feelings bottled up. I became good friends with a girl at school who self harmed and after we both quit we got quite strong urges for about a year and we could talk about them. *Although I would be careful about the person you talk to being another self harmer. Make sure it's not someone who will make you feel worse. Talking about it can be really hard though, and if you don't feel ready to talk yet you can post stuff here on VT when you get the urges there are plenty of people who will listen. Expressing your feelings through keeping a diary or drawing, etc. might help too.

Edit: Have you seen the non self harm calendar? Maybe it would be useful... http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?t=3861

[suicidalbutter]

do you have a best friend you could confide in? I felt attention seeking at one point with someone who knows, but then I realized I was only keeping it between him and I. I don't talk about it with anyone but him, and only when he asks about it or when I feel guilty for doing it. I think if you aren't going to seek professional help you should at least have one friend you can trust with it. Just so you have another perspective on the situation.

[low_on_air]

My best friend is very much against cutting, she thinks it automatically means you're insane. Also my music taste changed recently towards 'emo' kind of music and she told me not to start cutting myself. Honestly I don't want her to think that stereotype is right. Plus she'd try to make me get professional help and I don't want that.

I got a few other good friends, but the two I trust the most are in a relationship together and the guy has cut himself too sometimes. It feels like he has a more 'legit' reason to hurt himself so I don't feel like talking with them often. They both know though.

Yes I've seen the non self harm calender, I already always keep track of it though. Today it's been 3 months and a day ago :)

[xxbiohazzardxx]

Yup totally normal
I just had my first episode the other day after 7 months of being clean

[suicidalbutter]

My best friend is very much against cutting, she thinks it automatically means you're insane. Also my music taste changed recently towards 'emo' kind of music and she told me not to start cutting myself. Honestly I don't want her to think that stereotype is right. Plus she'd try to make me get professional help and I don't want that.

I got a few other good friends, but the two I trust the most are in a relationship together and the guy has cut himself too sometimes. It feels like he has a more 'legit' reason to hurt himself so I don't feel like talking with them often. They both know though.

Yes I've seen the non self harm calender, I already always keep track of it though. Today it's been 3 months and a day ago :)


okay. Every reason someone cuts is a legit reason. I don't care how small the reason is or how big it is. If someone is self harming their problem is as important as the next person's. You should try to open up to them more. He'll understand it more than anyone. That's only if you want to though. I don't want to seem like i'm pressuring into talking to anyone.

If you aren't up for talking to them or your best friend then maybe talk to one of us VT people through VM's and once you reach 100 posts you can start PMing. You could always VM me if you need someone to talk to. :)

Edit: I missed the bottom portion! Three months is an amazing record (even though I know you don't do it often that's still a great non-harm streak! :D

[low_on_air]

Don't worry, I don t think you're pressuring me into doing anything at all. I'm really thankful that you try to help me :)
But you know, if I'd tell someone I would have to give some proper reason at least and I don't think I have anymore. I started because I felt lonely and I hoped it'd make me feel better but everything improved much since then and I don't think I have much to complain about. I'm afraid he'd just think I'm weird.

And what is vm? Haha

[Tarannosaurus]

vm is visitor message also forgot to say congrats on the 3 months that's really good :) People can feel depressed without a reason, its normal.

[suicidalbutter]

Don't worry, I don t think you're pressuring me into doing anything at all. I'm really thankful that you try to help me :)
But you know, if I'd tell someone I would have to give some proper reason at least and I don't think I have anymore. I started because I felt lonely and I hoped it'd make me feel better but everything improved much since then and I don't think I have much to complain about. I'm afraid he'd just think I'm weird.

And what is vm? Haha

well, you're very welcome. :)

It's natural to feel as if you shouldn't be harming because your reasons are "stupid" or aren't "that bad", but that's yourself trying to fight with the addiction. You think you don't need it but for some reason you still do it. And whatever reason that is it's still pretty important no matter how tiny it is, or you wouldn't pick up that "tool" to take the pain away. The first time you harm it's always because of something major happening or how you feel inside. All other times are never going to seem as big or good enough reason to do it all over again. If he harms more frequently than you do, then I'm thinking he's not going to think you are weird for only doing it a few times a year. he definitely wont think you are weird for wanting to talk about it. He might be able to help, and he'll understand better than anyone else in real life. If you don't want to talk to him just yet, or ever then you don't have to. It's only a suggestion if you ever want to talk to someone face to face instead of an online medium.

A VM is a vistor message. When you go to a person's page you will see a post box. the only way i can explain it is that it's kind of like writing on someone's fb wall since anyone can see the replies and such. But it's the only thing you can do until you reach 100 posts, but it's still a great way to communicate. :)

[low_on_air]

But you know, when I want to self harm I can't even give any reason why whatsoever. At a moment like that I can hardly think about something else. It's almost like craving for chocolate. I just really want it. It's sort of weird but I can't really explain it any differently.
And in that sense he's different then I am. I don't think he does it much more often (as far as I know about 3 times the last 9 months, I didn't know him well before that), he does it worse though. Anyway, when he does it he says he's totally losing himself. He just doesn't have a choice because he is not really him (that's what I understood of what he told me) and I sort of do have a choice. I mean, I could choose differently but at a moment like that I don't really want to stop myself.

Oh maybe it might be better to move this conversation to vm then? Because I guess now I just keep kicking the same topic up

[suicidalbutter]

I know the exact feeling. I don't know why I do it anymore. I just get the urge and find myself in the shower completing the deed. Idk how to stop the urge sometimes, it just gets so much that I feel compelled to do it. but that's the addiction, it just grabs at you till you do it again. And even then you just want to do it again and again.

To me he sounds like you. He's suffering the addiction as well. He loses himself and has no chose but to give into the urge, as well.

Everyone could do something else besides self harming, but when the urge is winning we never really want to try to fight it. We all give into it instead.

VM or here is alright, bumping a post is fine as long as it's not 2 months old or older. so we can continue the discussion here if you'd like. :)

[low_on_air]

I know the exact feeling. I don't know why I do it anymore. I just get the urge and find myself in the shower completing the deed. Idk how to stop the urge sometimes, it just gets so much that I feel compelled to do it. but that's the addiction, it just grabs at you till you do it again. And even then you just want to do it again and again.

To me he sounds like you. He's suffering the addiction as well. He loses himself and has no chose but to give into the urge, as well.

Everyone could do something else besides self harming, but when the urge is winning we never really want to try to fight it. We all give into it instead.

VM or here is alright, bumping a post is fine as long as it's not 2 months old or older. so we can continue the discussion here if you'd like. :)
And that is really why I know I didn't exactly stop for good even though it's been 3 months. I know how to stop myself from cutting for a few weeks or so when I get urges but there will always be a moment where I'll just give in. Even though for me the problem is sort of small compared to the problem for others, I kind of don't believe stopping completely is possible for me. Also because a big part of me doesn't want to stop/doesn't care if i stop. Sometimes it feels like the part of me that doesn't want to stop cutting is bigger than the part that says no to the urge.

When he gets the urge there's something going on with his life though. He doesn't do it for nothing like me.

I don't really care, I'm just afraid people might think it's annoying when this topic is highest all time

[suicidalbutter]

And that is really why I know I didn't exactly stop for good even though it's been 3 months. I know how to stop myself from cutting for a few weeks or so when I get urges but there will always be a moment where I'll just give in. Even though for me the problem is sort of small compared to the problem for others, I kind of don't believe stopping completely is possible for me. Also because a big part of me doesn't want to stop/doesn't care if i stop. Sometimes it feels like the part of me that doesn't want to stop cutting is bigger than the part that says no to the urge.

When he gets the urge there's something going on with his life though. He doesn't do it for nothing like me.

I don't really care, I'm just afraid people might think it's annoying when this topic is highest all time

before the last relapse I was 54 days clean, and before that it was about 49 days I believe. So I know how to stop doing it for a long time as well. I find myself right now vulnerable to the urge as I try to talk myself out of it. I always feel as if the addicted part of me is bigger than the logical part of me that says "no". But I just gotta remind myself to keep going, don't resort to harming. It's tough, but when you've gone a few months without it you gotta eventually fight the urge when it comes back. You can't always give in when it comes back or you'll never be able to fully recover.

oh. that's tough, I mean he could possibly understand because he probably has an addiction to it, but he probably thinks his reasons are sound. :/

My best friend finds it discomforting that I talk about it all the time with him, but he's gotten over that and just let's me vent about it. It's actually helping though. And though he thinks I should seek professional help he doesn't freak when I say "not yet... not ready for that"

[low_on_air]

before the last relapse I was 54 days clean, and before that it was about 49 days I believe. So I know how to stop doing it for a long time as well. I find myself right now vulnerable to the urge as I try to talk myself out of it. I always feel as if the addicted part of me is bigger than the logical part of me that says "no". But I just gotta remind myself to keep going, don't resort to harming. It's tough, but when you've gone a few months without it you gotta eventually fight the urge when it comes back. You can't always give in when it comes back or you'll never be able to fully recover.

oh. that's tough, I mean he could possibly understand because he probably has an addiction to it, but he probably thinks his reasons are sound. :/

My best friend finds it discomforting that I talk about it all the time with him, but he's gotten over that and just let's me vent about it. It's actually helping though. And though he thinks I should seek professional help he doesn't freak when I say "not yet... not ready for that"
When you are able to stay clean for that long I gotta say well done :) Do you think you can stop, as you're already able to stay clean for that long?

We haven't exactly talked often about this subject though, I think once through facebook and twice through whatsapp. Never face to face. I guess it's a subject we both find hard to talk about, but honestly I'm not even entirely sure what he feels when he cuts. The most I've heard are secondhand stories from his girlfriend. Yes I know that might be a bit weird haha but it's just a hard subject

wow your friend sounds like a really good one. Also because I guess it's a very good thing to have someone in real life who's always willing to listen.

[suicidalbutter]

When you are able to stay clean for that long I gotta say well done :) Do you think you can stop, as you're already able to stay clean for that long?

We haven't exactly talked often about this subject though, I think once through facebook and twice through whatsapp. Never face to face. I guess it's a subject we both find hard to talk about, but honestly I'm not even entirely sure what he feels when he cuts. The most I've heard are secondhand stories from his girlfriend. Yes I know that might be a bit weird haha but it's just a hard subject

wow your friend sounds like a really good one. Also because I guess it's a very good thing to have someone in real life who's always willing to listen.

Yes, when I'm ready to just stop I always find a way to stop. But eventually I am planning on seeking professional help (I just want to be out of my parents house and on my own before I consider it. I don't want them to worry).

it's not weird, it's a tough subject to want to open up about. Because most people feel as if it's supposed to be shameful, but it doesn't feel that way. Plus a lot of people try to hide it because deep down they know that talking about it will lead to recovery, some don't want to recover since it's become a part of them.

He really is. He's completely sane and normal, but he accepts the "broken" and tries to help them as much as he can. But he really can't see being any other way.

[low_on_air]

Yes, when I'm ready to just stop I always find a way to stop. But eventually I am planning on seeking professional help (I just want to be out of my parents house and on my own before I consider it. I don't want them to worry).

it's not weird, it's a tough subject to want to open up about. Because most people feel as if it's supposed to be shameful, but it doesn't feel that way. Plus a lot of people try to hide it because deep down they know that talking about it will lead to recovery, some don't want to recover since it's become a part of them.

He really is. He's completely sane and normal, but he accepts the "broken" and tries to help them as much as he can. But he really can't see being any other way.
How old are you then? Are you leaving your parents house any time soon?
The most stupid thing is, I got professional help some time ago for the panic attacks I had sometimes. These had to do with fear, not with depression, so I went there without having to tell anyone I also felt down. But I lied to that psychologist just as much as to everyone else about being fine, so if I'd just been honest I'd already be helped by now. Oh well, I don't wanna go back anymore.

Yeah that's true. But I think I mostly don't want to talk about it because I don't want to seem attention seeking. And I also don't want people to check on me oe anything.

Ahw he sounds like such a sweet guy! I wouldn't easily consider anyone not sane or not normal though, but I get what you mean haha

[suicidalbutter]

How old are you then? Are you leaving your parents house any time soon?
The most stupid thing is, I got professional help some time ago for the panic attacks I had sometimes. These had to do with fear, not with depression, so I went there without having to tell anyone I also felt down. But I lied to that psychologist just as much as to everyone else about being fine, so if I'd just been honest I'd already be helped by now. Oh well, I don't wanna go back anymore.

Yeah that's true. But I think I mostly don't want to talk about it because I don't want to seem attention seeking. And I also don't want people to check on me oe anything.

Ahw he sounds like such a sweet guy! I wouldn't easily consider anyone not sane or not normal though, but I get what you mean haha

19, and yes in October. :D
I went to a therapist when I was younger, they wanted to make sure nothing had screwed me up. They weren't prepared for when I got older and had time on my hands to actually process what had happened to me as a kid. As a kid you think everything is normal. like everyone goes through the same shit you do, only when you grow up do you realize nothing was normal about anything that you went through. I haven't went to a therapist since I was six... I kinda wanna see one again.

It's not really attention seeking if you are confiding in one person to just be able to talk about it to someone. and yeah the "so how long has it been" or "hope you are staying strong" checking up messages are annoying.

he's such a great friend! :D

[low_on_air]

19, and yes in October. :D
I went to a therapist when I was younger, they wanted to make sure nothing had screwed me up. They weren't prepared for when I got older and had time on my hands to actually process what had happened to me as a kid. As a kid you think everything is normal. like everyone goes through the same shit you do, only when you grow up do you realize nothing was normal about anything that you went through. I haven't went to a therapist since I was six... I kinda wanna see one again.

It's not really attention seeking if you are confiding in one person to just be able to talk about it to someone. and yeah the "so how long has it been" or "hope you are staying strong" checking up messages are annoying.

he's such a great friend! :D
Oh good to hear that it's so soon. I also find it very strong of you you want to get professional help.
I can imagine that. I have no idea what happened to you, but I hope you'll get the help you need.

No I guess it's not. But it's impossible to know for sure what someone else will think about it. Also I'm not really sure how anyone is supposed to help me.
And it's even worse when they check your arms.

[suicidalbutter]

Oh good to hear that it's so soon. I also find it very strong of you you want to get professional help.
I can imagine that. I have no idea what happened to you, but I hope you'll get the help you need.

No I guess it's not. But it's impossible to know for sure what someone else will think about it. Also I'm not really sure how anyone is supposed to help me.
And it's even worse when they check your arms.

yep :D
enough things to write my own personal book about it.

Yes, unless they make fun of it or mention it on their own. It sucks that when you ask someone their viewpoint on the subject they automatically count you as someone who does it even if you don't.
Idk, for me talking to someone just helps me. I don't cut as much when someone else knows. I still do it, just not as much since I have someone who does check up on me. Though, it's kind of annoying it's also a good feeling to know someone is there for me. Sure at first it was the "lemme see yo wrists, gurl" but now it's more of when he asks "so how are you doing" it's code for "is it getting better or worse".

basically when you are ready to get help for it, then the asking and checking eventually lessens in annoyance.

[low_on_air]

yep :D
enough things to write my own personal book about it.

Yes, unless they make fun of it or mention it on their own. It sucks that when you ask someone their viewpoint on the subject they automatically count you as someone who does it even if you don't.
Idk, for me talking to someone just helps me. I don't cut as much when someone else knows. I still do it, just not as much since I have someone who does check up on me. Though, it's kind of annoying it's also a good feeling to know someone is there for me. Sure at first it was the "lemme see yo wrists, gurl" but now it's more of when he asks "so how are you doing" it's code for "is it getting better or worse".

basically when you are ready to get help for it, then the asking and checking eventually lessens in annoyance.
Hopefully you'll learn how to deal with it and if you want to talk about it I'm right here.

Yes, but even if they do mention it on their own you still can't know how they react on your own personal story, as it's a sort of different thing for everyone.
Okay I definitely understand that. One thing that stops me from doing it right now (besides because it's summer and I want to wear short sleeves), is the thought that one of my friends might ask. And I don't want to lie to them but I wouldn't want to tell the truth either.
Yeah and I don't think I would even consider a question like that annoying, as it only shows he cares. And yes I can imagine that, I guess you get used to the checking. I guess it also makes a very big difference whether you want help yourself or not