Depressed, can't live like this...

[angryhalfdemon]

I'm at the end of my string.

I don't know if I can do it anymore.

Everything's a fricken nightmare... I don't know how I turned into the flat person I am today. I used to be so happy when I was a little tike. I used to laugh and smile like there wasn't a care in the world. Now, the only reason I laugh is to mask my anguish, I only smile to shield my friends and family from the pain and torment that I feel every day.

I can't stand the voices. Always talking, whispering incoherent things into my ear, always pointing and yelling and mocking me. They never rest. I do a good job ignoring them sometimes, but other times trying to think straight is even harder than trying to have a conversation with a jackhammer ringing in my ears. Keh! and then there's my dreams... bloody nightmares... and I get so depressed sometimes, for no reason. The emotional pain is unbearable. I end up having to lock myself in the washroom and cry for hours on end. I've cried so hard that salt begins to deposit on my eyelashes in clumps. It got so bad last year. I lost my job, found out I was moving, and got dumped all in the same two weeks. I started cutting myself because it honestly felt like the only thing that would stop me from taking my life... the Demon said it would help me. What a mistake... I can still see the scars on my hand. They'll never go away...

I have lots of friends. So many people who treat me kindly and respectively... and then they change. Why do they have to change? Why do they end up hurting me? You think you know your best friend, you believe that you're as important to them as they are important to you. Then you move away. Then you come back for two weeks, just to see him, but he's more interested with making out with your ex (IN FRONT OF YOU) than cracking a nice conversation like "How have the last six months been at university? Make any new friends? Do any fun things?" Did I do something to deserve that from him? Keh!... the bitch is dating some 'other' guy now. Can't say I didn't see that one coming pal.

I try to be nice, I try to crack a joke here or there to lighten the mood. I help people with their problems. I'm a good listener. I try to stay out of everyone's way, I try not to annoy people. But people always seem to get angry or wary or exasperated with me. Is there something wrong with me? I don't understand how acting kind and humble will provoke these reactions from people. And I get so depressed when I think about it... now i feel depressed...

I guess it hasn't been all bad. There have been good times, when people have shown me genuine kindness. I'm not a very social person. I never have been.. maybe that's my problem. But these people took the time to get to know me (even if a couple of them turned out to be not-so-good friends), and for that, I love them all. Even the ones whom I rarely see, even the ones I haven't seen in years who I can't speak to because of the unbearable shame of losing contact with them. I love them. And my family, I love them too, even if we do fight a lot (especially my mother.. she always seems to come through for me at the most unexpected times.. when I need her the most). They have been the ones who have kept me alive so long.

But I can barely take it anymore.

I can't take the constant mood swings, the voices, the halucinations and dreams, the guilt, the torment.

I look back at all the sleepless nights full of tears and I wonder how I even survived to this point in the first place. Everything's a nightmare. I can feel the eyes on me everywhere I go. I hear the whispering and get all worked up. Every time I'm waiting at the station, I want to jump onto the tracks and run full speed into the path of the train. I don't want to do it. I really don't. I don't want to let down all the people who have shown me kindness, waste all the time and money they've spent on me. I just want the pain to end. I pray to all the highest gods that I will live a life of despair and suffering and hell for them, so long as in return, even if only for a minute, I can experience true happiness before I die. That is all I ask for in life... True Happiness.

But I'm afraid of cracking. It's getting worse. Before it was just highs and lows, now I'll feel depressed for months on end, and I won't be able to figure out why. I don't know what to do anymore. I found out my family is moving back home, and I'm gonna stay at my university because I like it here. And I get the most horrible feeling of instability and hoplessness ever. It's tearing my heart apart.

[thesphinx]

Sounds like you going through a lot right now, let me just try to break this down a little, the reason you are feeling so depressed is because of a Chemical Imbalance in your brain, which could be caused by outside influences like your friends treating you badly or something like that.

you can feel happiness you just need to get this under control, first of all you need to talk to a Psychiatrist if you haven't already he may put you on Anti-Depressants which will help take the edge off so you can get to the core of your problems.
And I won't say I know what your going thought but this sounds a lot like what I was feeling when I was Depressed, and it can be hell and I understand that.

But I am telling you that you will not feel like this forever it may take a little time but you will not feel like this forever and you will feel happy again, you just need to get this under control.

I'm here for you if you EVER need to talk :hug:

[byee]

It's hard to add to what Michael said, but I'll try because it sounds like you need all the support you can get.

I agree that some type of therapy is needed here. Go to the counselling center and avail yourself, ok?

One of the things that I've experienced in college is that it is so different that it really represents, it really feels, so much diffeent than anything in childhood or adolescence. it really gives the sense that whole period of time is really over. And all the stuff you went thru, too. It's a fresh start. Welcome to adulthood.

Try seeing college as that new start. You can't change what happened in the past, but you can start over, and now seems like a natural time to do that. make new friends, focus on the experience at hand. It's unfortunate that your 'old' friends and g/f let you down, but amybe if you saw it as a confirmation that childhood is over, that they're a relic from a bad past, you might be able to let go and move on.

For now, make that appointment at the counselling center, and try to experience this all as the beginning of a new start.

[angryhalfdemon]

Thanks for the support :) this is really the only place I can get this kind of support. Everyone I know (except a bit of my family) knows me as happy-go-lucky Colin, always has a smile on his face no matter what happens.

It's so humiliating. To go to a therapist i mean. I know that they're great people, I've been to a couple before. And I really do want to go, I tried to go to one during holidays in my hometown because I was really really depressed like the time last year when I hurt myself, and the therapist who helped me out the first time lived there, but I never got around to it... I really need someone to talk to. In person.

But from my position I... I just don't want people to know. I want them to know me well, the close friends I'm making in Uni, but if all of a sudden they find out ' Oh! happy Colin is going to the Counselor for meds because he fights with a demon in his head and wants to get hit by a million ton hunk of metal' ... I mean, I have a hard time facing these facts. What the heck are THEY gonna do? God.. I don't want to lose more friends, it'd kill me. I already feel dead on the inside..

I'll try to find a counsellor. But I'm also afraid I won't have time to go to one. Uni is so busy for me, because I'm in Music, so I'd only be able to find one on campus really... and then what? I know they're supposed to be confidential, but they're obligated to tell authorities if they susupect a patient might hurt someone, or hurt theirself. What would the University do if they found out about me? I don't like to think of myself as unstable, but how the heck am I supposed to know what their definition of unstable is. :eek: Imean, would they kick me out of Uni if they thought I was a danger??? I've been thinking about this for weeks, and I can't find an answer, it's so confusing.

[byee]

Hi again, Colin. Thanks for coming back, maybe we can help some more.

I know first hand how hectic uni can be, and being a (non major, pleasure only!) cello player I khow how demanding a mistress music can be, too. But I'm sure you can find 45 minutes a week to go to the counselling center. I think your resistance isn't so much a time factor as it is a concern about how it all will feel and also a concern about the image of it should your new friends find out.

First, therapy cannot be more painful than what you describe as your daily experience. Sure, no one likes to relive that and talk about it, but as you (hopefully) know from prior therapy experiences, the process of doing that leads to the cure. The pain is temporary.

As for your friends, well, I'm not sure why they'd have to know. You're entitled to privacy, and therapy is a private matter. Besides, only one person (other than yourself) can really help, and that's the therapist. You needn't tell anyone.

Very often, we think that our experience and understanding of it will be drawn by any on else who learns of it. But, that's probably because we experience it constantly, and it's the only experience (of ourselves and of life) that we have. By being our only life, it becomes larger than life. Especially when it's intense.

But, the therapist has a different, objective perspective. He's unlikely to experience you as 'crazy' as you might experience yourself. So, although there's a chance he'll freak out when he hears your story, there's probably a better chance that his objectivity and training will allow him to really understand what it means not only to you, but put it in a broader, fresher perspective for you as well. And, we have to trust that whatever his/her treatment is, is really based on accurate assessment, not just a knee jerk reaction to your unhappiness.

Listen, go make the appointment. Take that step.

[angryhalfdemon]

I'm gonna try make the appointment sometime this week or next week. I think I'm feeling a bit better today compared to yesterday... but I know, I should probably see someone, shouldn't I?

:) Thanks for listening, guys. It's been so stressful because of this last move, and I think my whole family is depressed over it. Hopefully not as much as I am..

I guess another one of the things I'm worrying about is, if the counselor does put me on meds, how do I tell my parents, 'cause I don't feel like putting extra stress on all of them again, during these next couple of months. My first episode last year was stressful eanough. And then I don't know how I'll be able to pay for the meds. I can't hold a job right now because I spend 2 1/2 - 3 hours a day commuting from where I live, and by time I get home every day, I'm dead tired, and It's already somewhere around 8:00, sometimes I don't get home 'till 11 pm.

[byee]

Yes, eventhough today is (fortunately) a better day, you should probably make that appointment. What you're experiencing seems pretty chronic, so eventhough you have good days (like today) and bad days (yuck), your days are still not what they either should be or could be.

Take it one step at a time. Make the appointment, and see what the doc says. Then, you can decide on how (and if) you should tell your family, and pay for the meds.

But first, set the appointment.

[crimson]

Hope your appointment goes well, and you feel better.

I just wanted to also thank IAMSAM for being a really good guy on this forum.

[byee]

:yes:Hope your appointment goes well, and you feel better.

I just wanted to also thank IAMSAM for being a really good guy on this forum.


Thank You *Smiles*!! Glad I'm appreciated!

[glamgurl36]

you should try and talk to someone about your problems, it will really help. I hope you can start to feel better, start doing something that makes you truely happy and things will come your way, life gets tough for everyone some times. you ll be able to push through

[angryhalfdemon]

I hope I start feeling better too. :( I've always had trouble expressing my emotions to people in words, especially people I really like. I hope it's easier talking to a therapist about it.

I always push through, and I will this time too... I hope. I always worry about something pushing me over the edge.

:) yeah, thanks for the help IAMSAM, you've been a great support. :P I'm trying to find a therapist that's close, having a bit of trouble. But I'll see one by the end of next week.

[byee]

It's hard to accept that you have difficulty putting your feelings into words!

People find it difficult sometimes to share with those they like for fear of their reaction (rejection). A therapist wouldn't do that, they're trained professionals. And, they've probably heard your kinds of stuff many times before. No worries.

Good luck in finding one, let us know how it goes. And thanks for the compliment.

[angryhalfdemon]

I had another 'crying episode' last night. I'd just come home from watching Sweeny Todd at the theatre with two friends and this girl who I've grown really fond of (she makes me happy :wub: we've been growing closer over the last three months... I'm taking my time with her though.) -anyways, the night went great! Went for chinese food before the movie, and it was really fun. Then we all parted, and I left for home. I get home, crawl into bed.. and I started crying. A lot. I don't even know why? I mean, I guess I was a tiny, tiny little bit dissappointed that I didn't get to sit beside her, but not eanough to be extremely depressed. I mean I was really bawling this time. I curled up in a tight ball with my arms around my knees and I cried for a whole hour and my head felt like a pressurized hydrogen gas tank. I don't even understand why, it really makes me more annoyed than sad.

I've had a few other nights like this in the last month. One time, I locked myself in the bathroom and was crying so hard, SALT was literally depositing on my eyelashes in gooey clumps. I dunno. I seriously hate these episodes, because I can never think straight, and sometimes they're accompanied by headaches. All the more reason I need to see a doctor I guess.. these episodes are affecting my schoolwork, and I can't practice my instrument half the time because I 'don't feel like it'? I hate that! I don't want to keep feeling like this...

'sigh'.. keh, sry, that's my rant.

Well, I booked an appointment today with the psychotherapy office on campus, it's on Tuesday at 1:00, so at least I got something done today. Uuugh, then I somehow managed to forget a bunch of school books on the bus home. One music history, one full of excerpts, and two technique study books. :lol: When I realized, I just lost it, I couldn't stop laughing at my stupidity. Geeeze, I think it was around $200 worth. :( what a waste. I need to address this on tuesday too, I hate not being able to think straight.

I'm leaving to see relatives this weekend, so I might not be in contact until after the appointment. I'll keep you all posted on how it goes though. :D and you're welcome IAMSAM

[byee]

LOL! I'll gladly take some responsibility for your recovery! Although *some* will only cringe at my ego here.

Seriously, good onya for making that appointment. I look forward to hearing how it went. Until then, don't fret about much of anything, really. What you're experencing will shortly be a bad memory!

[angryhalfdemon]

Just got back from the appointment. The therapist asked if I could come in again next week so some professionals can asses me. She said it's apparent I'm depressed but the voices and unwanted thoughts have to be addressed some more. She also reccomended that I'll have to take some sort of medication, but we're gonna start with something herbal before we resort to pills (because I want to avoid those if there's another possible treatment).

I think it went okay. I was a bit nervous, so I don't know if I explained everything very well, but I'll do better next time. I think she kind of freaked out a little bit when I told her about the voices and my cutting episode, but everything went okay.

:( I think I have to tell my mom. The therapist said she'd need the phone number of the other psychiatrist I saw a couple times last year. And there's not really any way I can get it from her without raising any suspicion, I don't know where she kept it. Gosh, I hope she doesn't take it too badly.

:) Thanks for the help though. Man, I probably never would have gone if I hadn't found this site. I'm glad.

[byee]

Well good for you for going! That's a great first step, I know it was hard for you. I'm sure you did just fine.

With regard to your mom, I understand why you'd be concerned about telling her, mom's tend to worry a lot, esp when they hear you're seeing a doctor. But, if you tell her in a matter of fact way, so there's no drama in your voice, she'll likely be OK with it. And, if you've had a history of seeing a doc, it's not like she's never heard of these problems from you, right? Just be calm and reassuring when you tell her and she'll be OK.

Don't worry about meds, either. If the herbal stuff doesn;t work, view the meds as a way you can feel better. Just tell the doc next week precisely what you've been experiencing/feeling, so he can get an accurate sense of what's going on.

Good onya, I'm proud of you!

[angryhalfdemon]

:) Thanks. I told both my parents camly last night about the appointment and the voices, and they took it well. My mom said she wouldn't suggest any herbal stuff, because it's not completely proven to work, and go on pills if I do have to take meds. She's a nurse, so I'll listen to her advice about that.

I guess I worry about getting a medication that takes away my creativity. Creativity is the C in MUSIC after all, so it wouldn't be good if the meds affected this. But I'm pretty sure they'll understand that if I explain it to them.

I have a question though. Sam, you said your dad's a shrink, right. I was wondering if he knows anything about Accutane, it's a pill for bad cases of acne (I had really bad acne :P). I was on it through my grade 8 and 9 years. Now my brother's on it, and I was looking at the label and it said some of the side affects are depression, irritation, and in very rare cases psychosis and attempting suicide. The drug has been out of my system for awhile, it's been four years since I took it.

Here's the question: During the two year period (2002-2004) I took the drug, the doctors only stressed the fact that the pills might stunt my growth slightly, and I was never really told about the other symptoms. But the doctors have stressed the other symptoms (stated above) a lot more for my brother. The drug had been out of my system about 1 1/2 years before my first severe depressive episode last year (february 07), and I was noticeably getting depressed for periods of time a couple years (2004 or 05, can't remember) before last year also. Is it possible that the pill's side effects played some role in putting me in the state I am now, even though I'm not on those pills anymore.

Because now I'm kind of worried about my brother becomming depressed like I am. I want to prevent that from happening if I can.

[byee]

I'm sorry, in all the commotion I missed this last nite, I apologize. You're on my radar here, Colin, so if I don't get back to you PM me so I can respond, OK?

Side effects typically appear while you're taking the medication, not 1.5 years later. Although there are long term side effects to some meds, I'm not sure if the ones you're referring to are associated with Accutane. Your mom has access to the PDR, she can reference it there, or you can try to look it up online.

I think it's always prudent to consider side effects, especially when they're as scary as the ones you're describing for Accutane. Likewise, as more people take these meds, the data base for the side effects become more substantial. So, what docs warned about years ago changes as more info on the side effects gets updated and changes. Also, if there's a family history of depression or other problems similiar to the side effects, the docs will emphasize them so you can be especially watchful. Often, there's an unfortunate interaction between a meds side effects and natural biology. In your case, though, I'd bet that there's a family history somewhere of the types of problems you're having, these things run in families.


In general, docs decide about meds by weighing the probable benefits against the possible side effects. Also, the FDA mandates that side effects must be reported after a certain number of people experience them, and to be on the safe side, that number is set very low, esp. when the side effect is dangerous or life threatening. If you look at the info sheet in the prescription box that the pills come in, you'll see that sometimes the number reported out of hundreds of thousands of people is 1 or 2! So, for the vast majority of people, these drugs are reasonably safe, otherwise they'd be taken off the market. Given your emotional experiences, I think it's wise to watch and be extra mindful, and if your bro seems different (or reports feeling different), he should obviously come off the meds.

OK. Onto you! Being a musician myself (I play the cello), I understand that you wouldn't want anything to interfere with that! But, your creativity isn't caused by your problems. If anything, your problems are interfering with your creativity. So, I suspect that after you're stabilized on medication (if, in fact, that's what happens), you'll likely enter into a period of tranquility and calm that you probably haven't expereinced in a long time. And from this, might flow a period of great creativity! It's a myth that meds 'slow you down' creativity-wise.

keep me posted.

[angryhalfdemon]

OK. Onto you! Being a musician myself (I play the cello), I understand that you wouldn't want anything to interfere with that! But, your creativity isn't caused by your problems. If anything, your problems are interfering with your creativity. So, I suspect that after you're stabilized on medication (if, in fact, that's what happens), you'll likely enter into a period of tranquility and calm that you probably haven't expereinced in a long time. And from this, might flow a period of great creativity! It's a myth that meds 'slow you down' creativity-wise.

:) Thanks man, that answers a big question for me.

I've been watching my bro for the last couple of months since I found out about the side effects. I don't think he's shown much change. It's difficult to say, he might be a little more depressed and irritated than usual, because the rest of my family's in like the final stages of moving. We just sold the house on monday, and my dad and I are looking at apartments and residences so he can stay and work here until he finds a job and I can move into residence (and not have to commute 3 hours a day anymore :P). My parents also started looking at housing back in winnipeg, he'll be going to the same high school but it's most likely not going to be in the same area that we lived in last year. So naturally, my brother's a little pissed that he won't be living close to his best friend (they used to live a 5 minute walk from each other). So I can't really gauge at all whether these symptoms are from the pills or just from stress. And my mom and brother are going back to winnipeg one week from now, so I won't be able to watch him. I'll tell my mother what you told me though, so hopefully she'll be able to keep an eye on him for me.

:P Don't worry about not getting back right away, we all have lives after all XD. Thanks again for all the help.

-Colin

[angryhalfdemon]

Well, back with an update.

I saw the therapist again last tuesday with my parents. She still wasn't able to give me a full diagnosis yet, because she still has to speak with my other therapist back in Winnipeg, but she did put me on some basic anti-depressant meds. Cipralex. They're supposed to work really fast, and have little to no side effects. She thinks that if the pills work, the voices might start to go away too, because it seems like the voices I hear are connected with my depression. So far, they haven't worked too well though, other than feeling a bit nauseous, I don't notice too much of a difference yet.

She wasn't able to diagnose me, because she honestly believes it could be a number of things right now. Psychotic Depression, Asperger's Disorder, Schizophrenia, she can't know for sure until she gets a statement from my other doctor about the events from last year. She did say, however, that if she had to diagnose right then, that it would probably be Schizoaffective Disorder, in between Schizophrenia and Severe Depression.

In short... :( I'm really messed up in the head...

It answered a lot of questions about myself though. The voices, disturbing thoughts, crying spells, waking up each day and feeling like crap, because I only got 3 hours of sleep... I have actually suspected for quite a while that it would be some case of Schizo or psychosis. Apparently, the doctor also said that I definitely have underdeveloped social skills, but that didn't come as a surprise. I've always found it difficult to communicate to people. The only ways I feel comfortable are through writing, typing, and Music. It's my own fault really. It's my nature, I was always the loner during my early years. I knew I wasn't the same, everyone else was... 'NORMAL', they'd seek out attention, had normal 30 minute attention spans. But ME... I could sit down and entertain myself for hours on end, even days. So while other kids were out playing and talking and laughing and making memories with others, I... just sat there... alone... I didn't learn how to be a friend, how to socialize.

It frustrates me every day. It causes me an overwhelming amount of grief every time I try to talk to my friends and the right words can't come out, and I have to walk away embarassed, while my friends just look at me strangely like I'm a FREAK. It kills me inside every time I go up to that girl and I can't tell her a fricken thing that I want to because I'm so locked up and tense, and I never open up to anyone. And that's why I hear voices, and I talk back to them. Because I never had anyone to talk to when I needed someone... NEVER. Nobody EVER notices the unbearable shame and torment I go through every day, and I LOATHE them for not noticing me. I CURSE THEM!!! ALL THE HORRIBLE FRIENDS I'VE HAD!!! Not a single person even has a clue what horrible suffering they cause me every day because they can't HELP ME... but how could they... they don't even know...

That's the thing that scares me the most... I can't open up... we live in such a cruel world these days, I can't bear to accept the fact that I have to struggle through it alone. I'll always be alone, I will DIE alone. The one thing I have always wanted more than anything in the whole world is a friend, companion... just.. someone, who won't leave me. Alone. But who would want to be with a person like me. NOBODY. People want stability, they want security, and passion in a relationship, and those are things that I can't provide all of the time, despite how much I long to. I am forever overflowing with love, but I have no one to give it too. And that love keeps filling up inside of me, and turning into sadness. But nobody likes a sad person, so I push it down and act happy, for my friends. I suffer for them. So they can like me. And then, when the pressure gets too much, and I break my composure, and I'm suddenly not as happy as I used to be, do they try to help me, do they try to figure out what's wrong? NO. They wait for ME to come to THEM! That's all anyone ever does. But nobody ever comes to me. I wait day after day, night after night, sitting alone, waiting by the phone, longing for someone to talk to. Someone who wants to talk to me. But nobody ever cares. Why don't they care about me? I care about them. I always care about them more than they care about me. And it makes me sick. I want to hit them, scream at them to notice me. I'm sick of it. I want to make them suffer, I want to haunt them. I want them to feel the way I feel. See that it's not so easy to be me. These are the thoughts that go through my head every day, and I'm sick of them. Does it make me an evil person to think these things? I wish they'd go away, but I can't push them away. I want to be the nice little kid I was before, I was never upset like this before. I'm so sick of it, every day waking up and thinking, "I want to die today." I've had dreams in my sleep, fantasies of me going to school and shooting myself, or hanging myself, in front of all my peers, engraving the image of my limp body into their heads, scarring them for life. I've had dreams where I become this monster, this 'DEMON', and I rip through the faces of all my loved ones, and bask in the blood. These thoughts scare me so much, because when I dream about them... they make me happy. That's not normal. I'm sick of it. I want to be normal like everybody else. I'm sick of being so scared of myself.

...sorry, just needed to get that off of my chest.

Anyways, I have an appointment tomorrow, and another one on wednesday 12:45 at some sort of.. i dunno, 'world renowned' psychiatric centre. I guess if anybody can help me, it's them.

I can't wait 'till tomorrow... I don't know how long I can hold out anymore...

[byee]

Hi Colin,

Thanks for the update. Let me be a bit philosophical, if I may. Life's a journey, and if we have some control over the ultimate destination, sometimes we're forced to make unscheduled stops, that by definition, we don't have much choice over. For you, that unexpected stop are your demons.

Remember, everyone has something, we can't choose or control every aspect of our being and our lives. However, we can still make plans to get to the ultimate destination. Regardless of what life throws at us. Stay focused on your longer term goals, being successful, finding true companionship.

In the mean time, take comfort in knowing that there is effective treatment for those other issues that are temporarily getting in your way. Newer medications are remarkably effective and relatively fast acting, so it's really just a matter of time until you start to feel better.

Good luck with your appointments, be sure to tell the docs in detail what it is you've been expereincing so they can get an accurate fix on what's going on and treat it accurately.

And remember, the hard part is now over.